Something Real

Finally

2010-02-08T16:27:00.000-06:00

Are you breathing? Are you relaxed? Are you doing this with grace?

Well, are you?

For a human being that’s rarely relaxed, this can be a complicated question. A million things are always running through my mind at any given second. I have a writer’s mind, which can sometimes be a big problem in a vocal world. My mind literally thinks the way I write, always creating my own narrations in my mind. I can’t say with this constant dialogue in my mind that I’m actually truly ever relaxed. Until yesterday.

I decided to get in my car and just drive. A chance to process and be still. An opportunity for a new adventure. I listened to my inner guidance. Turn left here. Straight. Now take a right. I found myself in Lodi, Wisconsin where I had spent so much of time almost three years ago now. I turned into the parking lot to the chiropractic clinic, now a massage therapy business to reflect on the conversation that completely changed my life. My “job” was to sell advertising for a small yellow page business. It was a paycheck until I found something else.

In the middle of my misery of transition, I stopped at a restaurant and saw something that changed my life forever. It was a card for a massage therapist pinned to the bulletin board in the entry way. The logo was a dragonfly. I paid attention. Something inside me clicked into a higher vibration. I knew the next step for me was to be a massage therapist. I recognized the clue the Universe gave me. I ended up stopping at a chiropractic clinic that day, and it ended up that the business card was that of the receptionist there. We had a conversation that changed me forever. I thought to myself, “Wouldn’t it be great to work in a chiropractic clinic and be a massage therapist?” A year later I was. I just had to wait for the right people to show up. And they did after they sold their practice in Tennessee and moved to Wisconsin. A bigger plan. Had I missed my clue, I would have been off my path.

Another year later and I attend the Landmark Forum Advanced Course in Chicago. It was profound. I had many breakthroughs in my ways of thinking and I realized that I have been living well below my potential…causing my unhappiness. I’ve discovered if you are off track, unhappiness will follow you. I ended my employment at the chiropractor, in gratitude, for the lessons learned and for the next step in my life. I had no idea what that was to be. I paused. I finished up “The Producers” and let it come to me. I’ve found that if you consistently miss the subtle clues the Universe gives you, that it will keep throwing bigger and bigger ones until you finally pay attention.

The first day of my new job I saw my next clue. Have you ever gotten the feeling that you are destined to know someone? That just by meeting them you are forever changed? That you could just smile in gratitude for the blessed chance of meeting, knowing maybe your time is limited, but still grateful you get the chance to learn. I bless the day I met my new friend, who has quickly progressed into one of my favorite people on this earth. He is the one who asked me, “Am I breathing? Am I relaxed? Am I doing this with grace?” It’s from a book he recently read and it was delivered to me at just the right time. Finally. I had met someone who would further me on my spiritual path and understood beyond superficial consciousness. He showed up. I had almost given up hope.

As I drove, I thought about where I was and where I am now. I thought of all the amazing new people who have entered my life in the past three years, and also the ones that have remained close to me. Thinking of how profound this is gives me hope. It gives me hope that as long as I’m breathing, I’ll be able to pick up the clues the Universe gives me on my journey. As long as I stay relaxed, I’ll be open to what shows up next. As long as I live my life with grace, I’ll create happiness and joy around me. No matter what I’m doing. No matter if it’s where I want to be. If we show up fully, it creates space for others to do the same. I just never saw it that way before.

I thought about my favorite monologue from “How I Met Your Mother.” The words sank in to a deeper level of my being. When you realize all the small things truly do add up to the big moments in life, it takes you to an even more profound way of being and appreciating each day.

“The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do. They'll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life. You have to take action. And you will! But never forget, that on any day, you could step out the front door, and your whole life could change forever. You see the Universe has a plan kids; and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought, but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working... Making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be.. exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place. At the right time.”

I still tear up every time I read this because it’s true. Preparing yourself to be the best person you can be along the journey will make you ready for the day when you walk out your front door and your life changes forever.

You have to watch for the clues the Universe throws at you. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself repeating the same patterns, making the same mistakes, until you finally get it. Maybe that consistent minor unhappiness is nothing, just a part of life that we deal with. But maybe, just maybe it’s everything. Taking a step to change something that makes you unhappy to something that will bring you joy, could just be the catalyst for a whole new world. A whole new way of being. It takes courage and it takes integrity. It takes knowing that something bigger than you has got this.

I’m not sure what is next. I’m not sure what this is preparing me for. What I do know is I’m grateful for each and every amazing spirit I meet on my journey. I’m blown away by the mechanics of the Universe. But most of all, I know that when you ask for something to show up, one day, it will. The question is….will you be ready? Are you doing what brings you joy and allowing your inner self to guide you? If you are breathing, if you are relaxed and if you are living life with grace, things will begin to exponentially transform. Be ready for who and what shows up. And accept and learn with grace.

Fireworks

2009-07-04T00:21:00.000-05:00

July 4th has always been my favorite holiday. I love summer, I love sparkly things and I love friends. What better holiday than to have all three in one package?

I guess the past two years have just not been that exciting holidays for me. I think I might pick a new favorite holiday. It’s been a few difficult years of cleaning up my past, transitioning and resisting what’s best for me.

Tonight I watched the fireworks with some pretty random people at a house party. As I sat there are watched the show in the sky, I thought about all the previous July 4ths in my life. I can honestly pretty much remember who I was with, what was important to me and where we went to watch the fireworks every year. It saddened and inspired me to think about the years past.

I get attached to people too easily. I think it’s so rare in this day and age that we are blessed to have such inspiring, joyful connections that when they come around for me, I want them to hang around as long as possible…even when it’s time to move on. I’ve never been one for superficial relationships. It’s boring and pointless.

I recently became reacquainted with someone who was once so important to me. Well, he’s still very important to me, but we haven’t talked in six years. We just lost track of each other. That’s how it happens. You start hanging out less and less and finally you look back and realize it’s been years since you’ve been on someone’s radar. I believe that everyone has their own unique path in life and if you are present enough to recognize the blessings of people’s paths crossing your journey; it’s such a magical happening.

I credit this man for saving my life. I was in a point in my life where my self esteem was so low, I dated a suicidal, emotionally troubled man who was never there for me. He was completely selfish and I did all the work in our relationship. Unfortunately this way of being is still engrained in my system, but it is getting better. When you go through something like that, it’s hard to come out of it “normal.” I met this man and had an instant connection. Kindred Spirits for sure. I can count the number of people I’ve had this kind of connection with in life on one hand. It’s rare and it’s wonderful.

We had a wonderful friendship where all we did was LAUGH and were just so happy to see each other. We were both dating other people and that’s all it amounted too. One night, I just realized that I had a much more profound and amazing connection with this man than I did with my boyfriend. At that point, I knew that there was someone out there for me that would be better for me. I thank life for this friendship, because it saved me from myself. It saved me from a dead-end marriage. How could I let someone so important to me just slip away?

I think it’s just life. We get “busy.” We stop making time for people and our lives and interests change. Certain people just don’t fit anymore. We meet new friends and people are replaced. I never forgot him. His importance never changed. It’s just that “in time” we weren’t connected anymore.

I was so happy to hear from him. I’ve been on cloud nine all week. The connection is still there, and he’s all the way in Florida, happily married with a beautiful baby girl. I couldn’t be happier for him and I’m thankful for his re-appearance. I know he again has something wonderful to teach me, and his timing couldn’t be more accurate for re-surfacing. I’ve been feeling him around for about six months, and now, finally we found each other.

Sometimes I feel like the most profound relationships I’ve had are the ones that don’t stay. They just flicker into our lives for a few beautiful moments, teach us what we need to learn, and then they move on. Sometimes we are left dumbfounded and don’t understand-sometimes we are left touched, moved and inspired. We go on to our next chapters without them, but we still carry them with us.

If we are lucky, we get a second chance. We re-connect with this Kindred Spirit at just the right time. There is nothing in life better than that.

I’m optimistic in knowing, that many of the July 4ths in my future will be spent with my best friends that I haven’t even met yet. I’m optimistic in knowing that no matter how sticky or difficult a situation or relationship has become, there is always room to once again be reacquainted and begin again.

Did I Fail?

2009-06-28T12:24:00.003-05:00

When I was a little girl, I never thought, "Oh I hope to be moving back home when I'm 29." When we are young, we have plenty of amazing dreams for ourselves. I always thought I'd be a famous singer, yet I can't even land a lead part in a small town community theater show. I thought I'd change the world by my writing, yet I lack the motivation to truly tell a wonderful story.

Have I failed? I ask myself this probably every day. My favorite motivational celebrity, Jillian Michaels, says there are no mistakes, only learning experiences. If we don't learn, we keep having to repeat the same pattern over and over again until we do. I try to concentrate on the positive experiences in my life, in hopes to create more and to learn from the negative. Sometimes this is difficult, especially when it involves other people's feelings. You have to do what is best for yourself, even when it means hurting another.

The truth is, we truly can't predict the future, because it's always changing basing itself on what we create today. There are many possibilities for what is ahead of us, and we have to just keep looking forward. I've decided to write about what I've learned from today, instead of focusing on the pain of failure. I haven't truly failed. I'm just hitting the "reset" button. That can be a really good thing.

I've learned that the more you pick at something, the more it falls apart. Sometimes the best thing to do is walk away, give it some space, and it all comes together in the end.

I've learned that things generally do not turn out exactly as we expect them to. The best thing is just to stay present in every moment, it makes everything more enjoyable.

I've learned that the people that hurt us most are the ones we learn the biggest lessons of self worth from. It generates a charge inside of us to never be treated like that again.

I've learned that what you think about is what you create in your reality. Focus on what you want and take any action towards it. Each moment will bring you closer to your desires.

I've learned that no matter how much you love someone, how much you miss them-if they don't make an effort to include you in their life anymore-it's best to let them go. They were probably taking up a lot more space in your life that you realized anyway. Use that space for people that do want you to be around. You will feel loved and supported rather than anxious and rejected.

I've learned that it's not really what happens to you, it's how you are able to react to it.

I think out of everything that I've learned, if you have one true friend, you're always going to be ok.

I'm blessed in so many ways in my life with so many that believe in me. I choose to concentrate on the wonderful ways I make a difference to others and the inspiration I receive from the world. I make the choice everyday how I want the day to go. I have a lot of pain, a lot of sorrow and a lot of set backs. But I choose to use what I have to create the best life I can. I don't always know how, but I usually find my way. I am grateful for the support that always shows up for me. I am thankful for those that choose to want me to be in their lives. The fun and laughter we have takes the edge off everything else.

Dead people like me

2009-05-29T21:05:00.002-05:00

So. Ok.

I just did some inner listening, or "meditating" or whatever and I kept hearing the name, Matt Gordon. Ok fine. Seriously people...do they ever leave me alone? Not really...but this time...for a reason.

I googled the name and this is what I found. He had a chance with his one true love again...and then died from surgery. But he got to say what he needed to. And I know, what I crave more than anything in this life is real, true love. Not the stupid love that you do to pass your time, or the superficial love of most. Real love for myself, for others and in a relationship. I realized...in order to have that, I must be it. There's the breakthrough....and there's the challenge. Shit. This means being nice to old people too. I have to believe this is actually possible for me. I can do this.

Here's Matt's blog...I find it pretty interesting.

http://jinx12582.blogspot.com/

Drowsy/Dizzy/Discouraged

2009-05-29T18:53:00.002-05:00

I think it was back in February when a friend of mine called last minute and his sister won tickets to see “The Drowsy Chaperone” at the Overture Center. I’ve been toying around with writing this blog since then. I guess it’s been building up in my head and frankly, a LOT more came up with these emotions than I was expecting. But ultimately, it’s leading me toward where I need to be going next.

The premise is simple, yet extremely complex if you let your mind go there. A young man has an old record player in his NYC apartment and loves to play an old musical soundtrack on it called, “The Drowsy Chaperone.” The man gets lost in the music and the story and narrates to the audience what pleasure he receives from escaping reality and diving into the world of musical theater as his reality. The characters become real to him and he ultimately becomes part of the show at the end. He concludes that musicals are wonderful because everything always works out in the end. There’s music and dancing and everything is joyous and grand. The script is hilarious and is often light hearted, but at the end of the show I was left a little torn up, and it wasn’t pretty.

I have lots of friends involved in theater, including myself. Some are very heavily involved; overlapping shows and well, I think that’s completely crazy. Some are lightly involved, like me; maybe doing one to two shows a year. Here’s the thing: If the brain truly doesn’t know the difference between something imagined and something tangible…where is the line drawn? Studies have shown the brain has the same chemical response when elite athletes “think” through a game or performance successfully as they would when actually playing the game. Do actors actually become their characters? Does your brain know the difference between that personality and yours? Do some people actually use acting as a way to express emotions they are unable to express in their “real” lives? You have to have something to draw upon when playing a character…so where does that actually come from? I’ve always known that most people that do a lot of theatre have many emotional issues, after being involved in it since high school, but this play really stirred something up deep for me. What was I missing?

I let these questions kind of (un)settle in my system and I just stepped back into observation mode in my life. I still went about my everyday life, but just had this in my awareness. I realized that I can get obsessed with TV shows. Like some of my friends get that way with theatre, I am with TV. It’s not that I believe it’s real, it’s just that sometimes it’s more fun to talk about what Jim and Pam are doing or imagining what it would actually be like to be Jillian Michaels than to be me. In the acting television world, everything always works out the way you want it to, what’s meant to be finds its way, and well, everyone is usually pretty attractive. I think certain stories find their way into our hearts because they remind us so much of ourselves. Sometimes it’s easier to pretend to be Barney Stinson for a day, or Lorelei Gilmore to get myself through the day. Nothing hurts these characters and their self confidence is sky high. If my brain doesn’t truly know the difference, it’s easy to put on an act. It’s something to hide behind. It’s something, anything, to not get myself to feel pain or to put off figuring out my life or cleaning my condo or whatever boring reality is occurring. It’s something to hide behind so I’m not honest with myself that my current job isn’t making ends meet, or I miss companionship in my life. It’s a distraction. And really…human beings are experts in creating distractions in their lives so they ignore what is truly important.

I think the reason I get obsessed with people like Jillian, is because she has (or seems to have) her shit together. She’s in awesome shape, she “gets it”, and she has an awesome job that inspires millions of people to get their own shit together. That is truly amazing. If you can love your life so much that you naturally inspire others, well that’s a true blessing.

I think about how humans create their own reality. It’s true. What you think about is what gets your attention. What gets your attention is where you take action or are afraid to take action and suffer. Our self esteem and confidence reflects in our outer life. Is your home always messy? Do you endure your job for a good paycheck? Are you dating someone that is kind of ok, but too scared to actually find someone that will commit to you and is actually real and inspires you everyday? Does your marriage suck? Are you afraid of the next step because it could mean failure? Do you constantly keep yourself so busy you have no time for yourself or friendships? Do you find yourself scrambling everyday because there isn’t “enough time?” Is your partner this way too? This is avoidance. And I am princess of that. At least I can admit it….there has to be a way out.

I look at people like my neighbor. He is going blind and deaf. He stays at home and he goes fishing. He goes for walks. He visits friends. He yells at my friends when they smoke on my balcony. This is his reality. This is what he has created. This is what shapes his personality. Now what if he decided he wanted to get a job or start gardening? That first would begin with a thought…and then depending on his fear and self esteem, he would either take a shot at it or not. He would change, or he would stay the same. It’s an easy example because he leads a relatively simple life. I am not simple. I am complex as hell. I can’t even figure myself out, let alone someone else. Maybe it’s time to start simplifying?

Life is actually simple if you take emotions out of it. Do you hate your job? Quit. Done. That’s it. Do you eat like shit and are you overweight? Eat healthy. Exercise. Done. So why is it so hard to make changes that stick? It’s because it’s extremely uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s way more comfortable to just stay the same…because it’s what we are used to. We get attached to our suffering and believe there is no way out. How could there possibly be? I can’t do this because there isn’t any time. Bullshit. Make it. If it’s important, you will figure it out. I don’t have any money. Make more. It’s the “how” that gets us so stuck. Trying to figure out “how” it will all come into play is what makes us nuts. We don’t know anyone else’s journey but our own. If we are blessed to walk with someone for awhile, embrace it, but when they let you go, let them go too. It’s all wasted energy that you could be focusing in on creating your life the way you envision and the way you want.

In the space between, which I feel I am now, it can be incredibly uncomfortable. I know I am meant for great things. The way my brain works, my creativity and my passion and compassion for humans is what leads to greatness. So much “junk” is in the way though. All thoughts I’ve created based on what others have thought, or my family has thought and I started to believe as true. My self esteem shattered a few years ago when I thought I had met the most incredible person ever, but he didn’t think I was so incredible. Rejection burns, but it makes us stronger. We have to see our own value even when others don’t, or are afraid of it. We have to believe we are good enough for what life drops in on us, because we tend to fuck it up pretty easily.

So how do you become who you know you were meant to be? Action. What does it take to take action? It takes courage. You have to actually do it. You can sit around your house and read and hibernate and try to figure it all out….but that does nothing. It gets you nowhere. You have to get off your ass and workout. Get off your ass and start dating. But then your mind chimes in. You have to change your thoughts. I know when I start to get sick, I’m so off track that even my body is pissed off. That’s a really good sign for me.

I’ve been on this journey of self discovery and spirituality for awhile now. It ebbs and flows. There are times when I’m on the money, and times when I’m so off. Most people never bother to venture on this road, because it is painful. It is joyous. It is out of balance. It is in balance. It’s just kind of all over the place…but I hope, eventually it will be somewhat sound. I think it is better than not knowing. I think it is better than where I was six years ago.

I am so blessed with so many talents. So what am I actually going to take action on and do? And why do I feel pressured to narrow it down to one or just a few? I want to do so much I get overwhelmed and do nothing.

I had lunch with a friend today. His coworker and acquaintance of mine wanted to come along too. My friend told him no, because he wanted me all to himself. We hadn’t seen each other in about a month, and just wanted Jess time. That made me feel really good. To know that despite everything that goes through my brain at a rapid pace every day, despite my fears and insecurities and despite the fact that I’m not always the best Jess I can be, he still loves me for me. And that’s just it. We’re all human. Nobody is perfect. I think the best thing to know, is that we are all in this together.

Something Amazing

2009-04-24T17:01:00.003-05:00

Today, something really amazing happened. A patient told me that my voice makes a difference to him. I remember having to SING those words to a room full of my classmates before I could graduate from TIBIA and BELIEVE IT!! AHHH!!!! Talk about an emotional day. YUCK!!! The interesting thing I thought of today is the difference between believing something and being something. If you believe something to be true, it doesn't mean you are always BEING it. BEING is what creates a difference for others. Nine months after saying those words, they are finally repeated back to me. I have become my voice makes a difference. Little did I think that some 77 year old man in Sun Prairie would be the one to tell me that back when I first spoke those words. It's interesting to see that life takes us on amazing journeys, never knowing who we are going to touch. He told me that my voice makes him happy and it makes his day better. Who knows what that change of me finally being a difference will make on other people...even if it is little...it is a step in the direction of what I am creating in this lifetime.

On my hike today, I thought about all the guys I've dated. I thought about the lessons from each relationship and how none of them honored who I am. I realized that in the past I have truly rejected myself, so how in the world would I attract someone who would not reject me? I firmly believe you are your thoughts, that you create your own reality.

I sat down on a park bench and wrote. As I get more clear about who I am and what I want to be, I realize more and more what I would need in a romantic partner. They say you have to write it down to make it real. So here it is: I'm writing this all down to hold myself accountable to what is acceptable to me if I'm going to share my heart with someone. I'm not up to screwing around anymore...it leaves me empty and unsatisfied. I'm not looking for someone that wants that. Here is what I came up with. I know there is no such thing as the perfect person, but there is such a thing as loving yourself enough to know that these things are vital to have the kind of relationship that's worth having.

~Trust-safety to be myself and he himself with me.
~He has goals and a plan to achieve them
~Enjoys outdoor activities
~Gets me on a deep spiritual level of being
~makes me smile whenever he crosses my mind
~health conscious about his diet and exercise
~has time and energy to want to grow in our relationship together
~drop dead handsome
~ability to make me laugh and also he thinks my humor is funny
~speaks to others with an open heart and compassion
~loves experimenting in the kitchen and enjoys going to the farmer's market to shop locally
~dedicated to his profession
~has a belief in something greater than himself and a connection to all beings
~empathetic not apathetic
~musical talent or at least an appreciation of it
~always striving to grow and learn and make a difference
~loves to receive massage
~supportive of my dreams and motivates me to achieve my goals
~likes weekend get aways and traveling
~will love my sister and watch out for her as much as I do
~knows that sometimes you need a lazy Sunday to do nothing but stare
~has a life outside of me but will include me in it by having great communication skills
~has solid friendships
~will help me find a beer I actually like!
~Can help me with my technological challenges
~appreciates the humor of my clumsiness
~thinks I'm beautiful-my soul and my appearance
~loves spontaneous adventures and spontaneous sex
~appreciation for synchronicities and the journey of life
~will think that it's awesome and not crazy when I just 'get a feeling about something'
~likes surprises
~mutual respect
~goofy sense of humor
~his energy matches mine
~believes that tomorrow is always another opportunity to start over
~understands what I'm trying to create in this world and me understanding his creation
~grounded
~knows how and wants to work through his "stuff." Uses the tools he is taught in life.
~knows and respects that I require alone time
~likes doing home projects
~the love that we have for ourselves and each other inspires others to find true happiness and joy
~really awesome hot sex-and whenever I want it. yep!!
~taller than me and hair I can run my fingers through
~is actually ready to meet me
~passion for something, anything, to let me know he is present, alive and actually living
~wants to create the most gorgeous child that ever existed
~wit and sarcasm
~inspires me to be the best person I can be

That's what I want. That's what I deserve. Whoever you are inside is directly reflected in the life you live and the people you surround yourself with.

I can make an analogy out of anything...

2009-04-19T19:54:00.001-05:00

I can make an analogy out of anything, which is why I’m probably missing my calling as an inspirational writer. Oh well. Here’s my latest:

This weekend I was home alone cleaning, waiting for my sister to get done with work so I could pick her up. I looked for the thousandth time at my bathroom sink. This sink has been clogged for years and I’ve never gotten it fixed. Why? I just live with it…something that bothers me everyday, but not enough to actually do something about it. I become busy with something else, ignoring the sink. But then again, every morning, it clogs and it frustrates me. It eventually clears, but it’s always dirty…I clean it and it gets clogged again…never truly going away. This night, I decided to try fixing it.

I googled “how to fix a clogged sink” and it was easy as pie. I filled the sink half way up with water and took a plunger to it and gave it hell. Well, it was a bit gross and clumps of hair came up, but what surprised me the most was what I saw next. There, in the water, was a blue marble. I used to have these floating candle columns when I first moved in here with blue marbles on the bottom. I laughed and laughed. This whole time, this whole situation was so easily fixable. I had poured drain-o down that sink a million times. I had tried baking soda and boiling water to no avail. But you see, none of that would have cleared it up. It made a difference in that it ran a bit better for awhile, but it always became clogged again. I needed to remove the marble. And here’s where my profound thought comes into play:

We all have marbles in our sink. Feelings, emotions, hurts, wants, needs, and love that get shoved down into the pits of unawareness. It is only by awareness that the marble clogs us up and we must clear it out. If we are so unaware and meekly just existing, marbles might be so obvious to other people in our lives, but not to us at all. We can meditate, exercise, think about other things, throw ourselves into activities and hobbies, but these are all ways to just pour drain-o into the sink. The only way to be clear is to decide for yourself that you WANT to do this, even though it may be so hard. But, then again, it might be easy as pie. The latter is what worked for me, and I’m so very glad.

I’ve had an interesting week. An awesome, amazing, inspirational week. I’ve found compassion in the strangest of places. I’ve learned lessons that I’ve been working on for years. Why? Because I decided the marble wasn’t tolerable anymore. I decided I want to live in Technicolor and not black and white. It’s so much better having my sink clear, literally and figuratively. It’s just so much better. But, I didn’t know it could be this good. Living with my sink clogged for so long, I thought that was the only way to be.

Open your heart up to yourself. You’ll be amazed at what you will discover. I’ve lived so inauthentically to myself for so long. I forgot everything I loved and what made me who I am. I was so distracted by caring what others thought of me, that I missed the big picture and the lessons they were trying to teach me in the first place.

I’ve discovered the joys of what I love. I love hiking and being in nature. I love being by the water. I love exercise. I love horses. I love feeling and expressing joy. I love taking pictures. I love singing (still working there). I love the feeling of getting up early and enjoying the day. I love reading about everything that interests me. I love having a spiritual practice I call my own. I love feeling connected to everything. I love feeling part of a bigger picture. I love tending to my houseplants. I love planting herbs and cooking with them. I love my flowers every summer. I love new adventures. I love inspiring others. I love being sarcastic and funny. I love to cry tears of joy. And I love to let go and be unattached. Most of all, I love you if you are in my life.

I’ve wasted too much time caring what others think or me and feeling not good enough. I’ve let that happen. That was really stupid looking back. It’s interesting how something that was once such a big deal really doesn’t matter anymore. Lessons learned. I wish I would have picked up on that about two years ago, but eh, we all have our own timelines.

I challenge you to purge your marbles. Stop pouring in drain-o. You’ll just have to deal with it again. It might have a different face to it, a different place to it or even a different theme, but it will still be there. So stop, chill, and get that marble outta there. You’ll be glad you did.

And don’t even think about making a joke about snaking my drain. I’ve already thought of them all, and they are hysterical…but I’m trying to be professional here.

This really sucks

2009-04-11T23:33:00.000-05:00

I once read that when you feel like “everybody” hates you, or “everybody” will laugh at you, your “everybody” can really be summed up to just a few people. Think about it for a moment. When you say, “Well, everybody…” see who comes to mind. You’ll be surprised to find that you really don’t mean everybody, you just mean a few people whose opinions matter to you more than they should.

For the past couple of years, my everybody has consisted of a close knit group of kindred spirits that found me along life’s journey. I have cared so much about what these people think of me, trying to do anything I can to please them. The problem with this is that there are expectations to receive what you put out there. The problem with any kind of expectations is that it usually leads to disappointment and heartache.

While I have learned many things, and would not give up the experiences, I find myself alone tonight. It seems like in a short time period, my life has left me extraordinarily lonely. I know I have many friends in my life who love me unconditionally, and for that I am blessed, so why do I only seem to care about “everybody?”

Emotional insecurity blows. We all just want to be loved and accepted. We all want to feel connected to something greater than ourselves and to each other. We aren’t meant to spend every weekend alone. Why is it so hard to make new friends?

Perhaps this is happening so I learn to be a friend to myself. To learn to accept loneliness and serve my soul’s purpose. I do believe we all have a purpose in each lifetime, in each other’s lives and in our own lives. I don’t believe everything happens at random. If it did, the timing is pretty extraordinary.

I cherish each connection I’ve had in my life. I guess not every one is meant to last forever. I do feel much lighter and free since I’ve lost “everybody” but it doesn’t change the loneliness. I guess now there is plenty of space for whoever is going to drop into my life next.

I think of the line from “Defying Gravity” from Wicked. “If this is love, it comes at much too high of cost.” I agree with that 100%. Sometimes, life just hurts too much. Why would you come across friendships like these only to have the go away? I’m not trying to be all “poor me” here, but seriously, it rips my heart out. Nobody likes to admit they are weak, that they are anything less than superhuman, but sometimes you just need other people.

I miss having close friendships around this town. It seems like my good friends are scattered everywhere. I feel like the only thing I really have going for me is my job, which I love, but my social life is suffering. Maybe it was time for me to settle down a bit and get back to what I think and feel and not what “everybody” else does. I feel like a failure and loser.

I had a conversation with a friend a couple of months ago probably now. He and I had met a few years ago, had a too intense connection so dating failed between us. He asked me recently if I maybe made too much out of it and made it mean more than it did. I told him, yes, but as of recently I don’t think I did. I haven’t had a connection like that to another human being in so long now. It makes me feel like it will never happen again. Logically, I know this to be false, but emotionally it feels true. It doesn’t matter anyway anymore. I can’t remember the last time he called. It’s been over a year at least. It’s ok. I trust the Universe knows what it’s doing.

It’s my best friend’s birthday party tonight and here I sit at home, because I’m unable to express my anger and hurt, so everything sits, on pause. It’s up to me to hit play and I have no clue how to go about that. The world always goes on without you.

I guess I shouldn’t be too sad. I felt I lost had lost another friend of mine awhile back. But, we took about a year break from each other and now our friendship is better than ever. She’s very busy though, so it’s difficult to hang out a lot. Maybe that will be true of these other friendships too.

So, what does one do when she feels like there isn’t another soul in the world around besides her kid sister? Well, I guess what she does is re-group and re-focus. She reminds herself of what her strengths and great qualities are. She smiles through the pain and doesn’t let it show that her heart hurts all the time. When asked how she is doing, she always replies, “great” and one day she knows it will be true and she will believe it. She meditates and knows these wounds go back to characters not even thought about anymore. She thinks about the kind of people that support her and that she wants to be around and keeps that in mind when auditioning new friends. She focuses on staying in the present moment. She goes to the gym and exercises out the anger, upset and frustration from her body. She dreams and schemes. She reads and writes and sings. Sooner or later, there will be new friendships, new adventures and faith renewed. And she hopes she remembers for the future to never give so much of herself to anyone again. Until then:

Drinking wine and thinking bliss, is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head are skidding up and down again
Up and down and round again, down and up and down again.

Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all.
Just to end up right back here on the floor.
To end up right back here in on the floor.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm

The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgievness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace and
I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.

Oh I've felt that fire and I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm

Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me, what it's done to me.
What is done...done

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare,
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there.

But I'm not scared at all, hmm...I'm not scared at all.

Bout the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

11 months to 30...and lots of work to do....

2009-03-31T21:12:00.000-05:00

The last couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking about where my life has taken me. And that’s exactly what has happened…my life has taken me places…I haven’t really sought out a lot of goals…they just sort of happen to me. It’s time to take action instead of always just letting things happen.

I’m blessed to work for two doctors who inspire me to be the best person I can be. They care about mine and Geri’s well being so much. Every Tuesday we have training and sometimes those trainings are something like, “Write down goals for yourself and don’t censor them.” Then we get worksheets that break it into achievable steps. Dr. Rob and Dr. Dawn are impressive people. They help, heal and don’t give up. We’ve created a super successful practice in just 7 months….doctors that have been in practice for many years have come to visit us just to see how we run things. The business savvy is incredible.

Seeing how they have plans, set goals and achieve them has been inspiring and also eye opening. When’s the last time you seriously sat down with yourself and were honest about what you want to accomplish in this lifetime? When’s the last time you actually were clear enough in yourself and who you are that you KNEW what you wanted to achieve?

Things happen to us that kill our dreams. If you think back to when you were a child, what was it that you wanted to do with your life? Now pause and think…who killed that dream for you? We are conditioned by our mother, father, teachers and preachers. Sometimes they can be the dream crushers…sometimes it is our friends or other role models. When we were younger, we don’t really know how to claim full responsibility for our lives. Now that we are adults, it’s time to take responsibility for your life. Nobody can make you feel less than or unworthy unless you let them. I think I’ve let about every guy I’ve dated make me feel that way. What a waste of time.

After high school, most of us go to college. For some, it can be a whirlwind of partying…I know it was for me. I was having a conversation with my brother the other night about how I feel I’m getting less intelligent by the minute. He felt the same. We discussed diet and exercise and how those things make such a difference. I made a commitment to myself to stop drinking soda and eating fast food. What a difference…I feel so much better physically and can sleep much better at night. You have to take care of yourself in order to make a difference in the world…for yourself, for others and for the planet.

When I was young, I thought by the time I was thirty, I would have achieved much more than I have thus far. I’m 29 years old. In ten years, I’ll be close to 40. That’s scary and also inspiration to act now. The years keep passing by and with time wasted goes life wasted.

We all crave the comfort of being a part of something greater than ourselves. If we are not, we live a selfish life infested with fear instead of love and compassion.

I’ve wanted to live on a horse ranch since I can remember. Goals are about taking small steps to achieve the bigger picture. I don’t know if I still want to own horses, but I’ve defineintely missed taking lessons and being around that life style for about…oh….23 years. What took me so long? I got busy with life. It’s no excuse. Do what makes you happy. I’m meeting the horse I will being riding lessons with on Friday. I haven’t been this excited about something in a long time. Fill your life with joy. It’s much too easy to get caught up in “I’ll do this later, or someday…..”

So what have I really done? Well, I’ve done a lot of stupid high school plays and musicals and community theater that nobody remembers....not even me really, I’ve worked a lot of desk jobs listening to people complain that I really don’t care about, I’ve sang the national anthem at about a thousand sporting events…pshaw, I’ve loved and then lost and spent wayyy too much time on the loss than the love….which prevents new love from coming into your life and enjoying what you have, and I’ve spent a lot of time laying on the couch and eating horrible foods….my body deteriorating rapidly from phenomenally strong to pretty weak and flabby. None of these things seem to matter much in life.

But, I’ve also saved a cat’s life. I’ve helped patients in chronic pain become pain free. I’ve massaged essential oils into my sister’s feet to calm her down after her first heartbreak. I’ve looked into another’s eyes and saw a reflection of who they truly are. I’ve witnessed miracles at Tibia, and I’ve massaged the heartache and body ache from people who have lost a loved one to AIDS. These things I remember. They seemed to matter.

Do the things that make a difference and bring joy to your life. We all suffer, it’s human nature. But really, what’s the point of being dark and twisty when you truly don’t have to be? The only reason to be dark is to live your life in constant fear….fear of how amazing you actually are…if you were to express what your soul truly desires.

I’m 29 and I’m freaking out, but inspired. I don’t want to tell my friends and family that I regret not doing something. I don’t want to live life like that. Unfortunately on earth, we live in time. Time runs out. And so do we. We all will die….so be the change you wish to see in the world, because if you aren’t, what will anyone have to look forward to?

Suit Up

2009-03-22T18:33:00.002-05:00

You ever wonder why some people really seem to have their shit together...I mean, really together. They exercise, eat well, have a clean and organized home, have loving relationships and have a job that makes a difference in other people's lives and they enjoy working. They seem to have a glowing energy, one that encourages others, creates possibilities and inspires love and acceptance.

I think the answer is self love. To truly care for yourself so much that you don't accept anything but the best possible situation. Your friendships and people who surround you are a reflection of who you want to be. They support your true self and love and accept you as you are. It's a beautiful thing.

It's so hard to break our old patterns. We are so conditioned to respond in a certain way. It takes a conscious mind and a commitment to staying present to see how to change, and how to make a difference.

I'm no longer satisfied with half assed. I've been keeping a food journal as of late because Dr. Dawn is going to help me with my nutritional needs. I eat absolute garbage. But, until I wrote it all down, I really didn't have the awareness of it. I think it's a good idea to just stop and write it all down. We may not be where we want to be at all...all it takes is a little awareness. Now that I have awareness, I will make different choices....however....I have a bad day....here....Culver's will make it better....it's conditioned. It's in breaking THAT deeper pattern that true success will prevail.

Sometimes when we make choices to lead us in a certain direction, everything that isn't working can and will fall away...either by your choice or by the Universe's choice. It's a time to re-group and re-focus on who you are and who you want to be. It's a time to set goals and create new possibilites for yourself. But, mostly, it's a time for action and non-action. What does that mean? Well, if you get it, you're already ahead of the game.

So, what in your life isn't working for you? Is it your home? Do you have a safe, clean and organized environment that makes your soul sing? Is it your relationships? Do you have a friend who drains you? Are you dating someone you're really "just not that into? Do you feel supported and free to express your true voice? Is it your body? Do you exercise? Eat foods that your body needs to function properly? Get enough consistent good sleep? These things are so VITAL, but we often don't give it much thought because we don't care about ourselves enough. If we don't care about our own well being, neither will anyone else.

Take a look at the people who surround you...they are a direct reflection of you. Suit up. It's your life.

Protection

2009-03-08T19:03:00.002-05:00

Some times it feels as if the only way to actually survive in this world is to truly protect ourselves. Guard our hearts, our mouths and our minds against what has the potential to possibly destroy us emotionally. If you let your guard down, there will be people who take advantage of you, but also those who will genuinely care. If you open your heart to love, there will be those who reject you, but also those who are able to open their hearts to love too.

Choose wisely. It's not always the best idea to open up too fast and too soon. It's not always good to reflect and look backwards. It's just too painful. You just look straight ahead, don't say "no" to any plans, and one morning you wake up and it's all insignificant. Like waking up from a dream that never happened.

The day everything changed

2009-03-02T21:00:00.003-06:00

When new patients come into the chiropractor's office where I work, they are required to fill out a health history intake form. Mostly, the questions have to do with pain. What kind of pain, where the pain is located, what happened to cause the pain..... I think about it like that and try to answer, how can I compartmentalize my pain in a bunch of small boxes to check today?

Today, the pain was sudden. It was intense. It was a burning, stabbing pain in my solar plexus. It was a headache pain...the pain you get when you do everything you can to keep your tears from flowing down your face. The kind of pain where you are planning on saying goodbye to someone, and then, the pain comes out of nowhere. It's an unexpected pain. A pain I didn't even know was truly there until it was palpated.

Previous is was a dull aching pain right in my heart. A pain that I knew I couldn't let go, and yet I couldn't move on with my life either. It's sadness. It's the worst kind of sadness and loneliness you can experience. Being a stranger to yourself in a life that has been so familiar for the past two years.

1998-Moving away from home to attend UWGB, truly ending the cycle of BLBJ...yes, the fab four actually had a acronym we were so tight.
2000-The first break-up with Dan. I should have kept it that way, but I needed to learn. I needed to grow.
2002-Meeting Kevin, prompting saying goodbye to the type of man I previously settled for.
2004-Chad and Dennis. The absolute loves of my life at the time. But, you choose what you choose.
2006-Derek-I was good enough to keep around for fun, but he was dating someone else...and didn't tell me.
2009 (ok, so a few more months to the two year time period)-the transition to a new way of friendship with two people, the dragon and the mermaid...

The sadness sometimes is almost unbearable...knowing that these fantastic people come into my life, and then, like everything, it has it's own cycle. It has it's own time-line that I can't control....and it's ok. Sometimes people fit, sometimes they don't, sometimes it changes. The thing that gives me comfort is that nothing is ever destroyed, it just changes form.

I feel like I broke up with someone today, which is kind of ridiculous because A. We're both straight, and B. We were never dating....but it feels the same emotionally nonetheless. It's just that, I feel, we get it. We understand. And it will be ok. It will take some adjustment not seeing her blond hair everywhere anymore and the fear that the connection we had will never be the same. The truth is, we all met when we needed each other. So badly. The mermaid, the dragon, and I.
I feel like I said goodbye to both on the same day, exiting as quickly as they entered. Like a Divine Intervention of sorts. But maybe it wasn't. I think I wanted it to be special. But the truth is, it really was extraordinary. It ripped open the next layer or my journey, and I wouldn't be the same without them. It's true. I'm so blessed for the experience.

I hope that it doesn't end, but I know that it won't be the same. I thought I was really over it, but judging by the instantaneous tears that formed while eating lunch, it was clear to me I wasn't. What's interesting is that I realize why I reacted to all the things we've been through the way I have. I feel complete with that part of it. So, why the tears? I think it was the knowing, the general sense of what the dragon and mermaid meant to me was changing, and may just disappear. Life is full or surprises, of beginnings and endings. It's a constant cycle and change, sometimes you fit, sometimes you don't. I had felt that feeling before with Jessie. We needed our year apart to grow together again. It's a sad, sad feeling. But it's a feeling that in hindsight, you know this is the best day ever.

It's true that time heals everything, however you can't speed it up. You just have to be with it, make it your friend. Sometimes I feel like I feel emotions so much stronger than the average person, that I love too hard and I put myself out there way too much. I just hope I made a difference.

I think back to the moment I saw that black and white picture. And I knew, I had to know him. I'm sad I didn't get to know him and find all the secrets behind his eyes, and enjoy all the things that make him uniquely him. I wish I'd be given the chance...but it wasn't mine to have then. I met him at a time I needed him and I loved him before I even met him. And it's a love that stands out of time. It just is. It's a love that transcends romance and friendship, it's just what it is. And I'm happy for him that he's able to open up to someone. His happiness is important to me....I just don't need to be the reason for it. A part of me wonders if I wouldn't have told him to audition for Madison theater, if he ever would have...if he would be doing what he's doing now. But it is neither here, nor there. It just is. I understand this. I realize his role on this stage. I just hope I made a difference.

I think back to moment he brought her to the red party. Banged up and defeated, she needed me, and I her. What resulted was one of the best friendships I have known. Someone who seemed to really understand. We all needed each other so much. To live, to learn, to grow. And I know she's able to swim away strong, passionate and whole. And I love her. It's a love that stands out of time, and we both get that. I told her we didn't need to go over what the past two years meant, because we don't. We both just know. It goes without saying. It's so hard when your life kicks you out....but it's just because you're forced to move on to what's next. Even when you don't want to...even when you know it's the best thing. Even when you feel like it's all just a strange dream.

I'll always look back at this time as the years of healing. How I transformed into a dragonfly...and how I'm finally comfortable with saying that. Because she and I are one in the same...we were never meant to belong or stay anywhere...we just glide and flutter and find people when they need us. That's just how it works. I can tell myself that nothing changed to day, but the truth is, everything has.

In the story that I will tell my children of how I found their father, I will talk about this day. And hopefully "Aunt Sarah" and "Uncle Jordan" will be around to hear it.

I hope these amazing people stay in my life, but today everything changed...and it's probably for the better. I love them both. They are people I will always do anything for, answer any 3 am call from and probably give a kidney for. However, I will not eat coconut for them. I draw the line there. This is the day that the next chapter starts...and it's ok. I am strong. I remember "this" night two years ago. The next day, my dragonfly showed up right on my porch screen.

The two things that stand out so much right now are the night by the lake, hearing his life story and the night we tried to watch Batman, but instead had to watch Dragonfly...where I heard hers. I hope, someday, when I am wherever I am, and they tell their life story to someone else, that I at least get an honorable mention.

I don't know what's next. But my life here doesn't fit anymore. I feel this constant and incessant tug at my heart strings to spread my wings and fly. Africa? Dubai? California? I don't know...but what I do know is I was born in this world to make a difference....and that's what I'll spend the rest of my life doing. I'm sure there will be many more 2 year cycles, or perhaps one day, it will break. People will show up and inspire you, love you, break you, and teach you. People will come and go, people will change. But love remains the same.

:)

2008-12-17T19:52:00.001-06:00

I was accepted to UW Madison today. yay. (that's the sound of my future patients cheering).

Circles

2008-12-17T00:04:00.002-06:00

Circles

I've been reading lately about the human brain. I've been understanding lately that it's programmed into your brain, and "easier" to go back to old habits. That's why most people fail. People are used to what's comfortable, even if that means what is not necessarily "best" for them. You see it over and over in everyone else but yourself. I'm starting to see it in myself. I'm failing.

I always find something to relate too, and as ridiculous as it is, right now, I relate to the Office. I relate to the character of Pam Beasley. I watch her throughout the progression of the show, going from a mousy receptionist in an unhealthy relationship to someone who starts to test her power by standing up for herself and being involved in a healthy relationship with herself and with Jim. I guess I'm at the mousy receptionist stage right now. I've known the former and the latter, and it's really hard when you're in the former to remember the latter.

I love being optomistic. It's engrained in my character, but lately, I just feel negative. I feel down on myself because I'm gaining weight, I'm tired all the time and I feel like doing nothing. I have moments of inspiration, but then I feel helpless and defeated again. I have these burst of anxiety. I go back to this way of being because that's what my brain feels is normal and comfortable and I create it over and over and over again. I guess at least I'm aware of it instead of it happening unconsciously. People tell you to be patient and easy on yourself, but that isn't producing results for me. Maybe I need to be harder on myself.

In college, I was very hard on myself. I survived off of diet coke and an elliptical machine. I was dating a suicidal maniac. I had great friends though. That's something I've never lacked. I wonder sometimes who the hell would want to hang out with me? I guess I do throw out some damn witty statements sometimes and like to have fun....but where's the self worth here? From others?

I'm working four jobs right now. I'm not even making the bills. When I punch in for my shift at Bath and Body Works I kind of as myself...what am I doing? I'm a stellar student, a great massage therapist....this job is beneath me. But yet, it humbles me. I shouldn't have to do this, I think. But it's where I'm at. It's what I've created.

I'm under constant stress. My low back is always in pain. I wonder why I do this to myself. I'm usually a happy person. Is it this awful weather? Last winter I felt like I lost my mind for a bit. Maybe it is this ridiculous cold that I keep telling myself I'm going to move away from. But do I? No. Why? Because I don't know differently and in that, I create my own prison.

I read today that you can't expect anyone to understand you if they don't understand themselves. I think that's true. I feel sometimes I don't understand myself, hence, why I can't attract someone that understands me or even wants to try. Touch is so important and I'm so romantically lonely right now. It's hard to admit, but it's true. It's not like I can just go out and get laid. I mean, come on, I'm not a guy who would just sleep with anyone. It's different for girls. Girls like me anyway.

So here I am: fat, lonely and uninspired. Why? Because I truly don't know how to get myself out of it. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this. Oh of course I can create an exercise program and stick to it for a few weeks. I can eat healthy for a bit. I can even forget about dating and affection for awhile. I can do affirmations and feel positive. But eventually, it all sinks back into this....why can't I ever stick to anything that's good for me? Why do I poison my body with shitty food, punish my body with no exercise and mutilate my self esteem with wanting guys who don't want me?

Fuck this. Can I get a re-do? Or at least can I skip ahead to the part where I stand up for myself and am sexy and beautiful again? I'd sit down and make a plan, but I'll probably have to work. Oh wallowing in self pity...so much fun on a Tuesday night. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who feels this way? I'm sure I'll be writing about how inpsired I am again next week. Is there ever any balance? Will I ever be able to just relax again? Sighhhhhhhhhhh. Maybe it's time for another episode of The Office.

I went to an old friends' party the other day. He had this cute efficiency apartment. I've been fantasizing about getting one in the middle of the woods. Sometimes alone is the only place I truly feel safe.

My Snow Day

2008-12-09T17:33:00.001-06:00

Today I had a marvelous snow day. I knew I would be having this day last night, so I thought about what I wanted to do today. I knew I at least wanted to get the holiday decorations up, even if I don't really believe in the Holidays. I just love having the lights up and sparkling ornaments on the tree. It adds a bit of illumination to my life.

I started my day with watching the Pursuit of Happyness. What a wonderful movie! Even thought I've never been homeless, I can relate to struggling and struggling to achieve your dreams. It gave me hope again that I can do anything that I put my mind too, and again, stirred my heart to be a fantastic doctor someday. Who cares if I won't finish my residency until I'm 36? That just means I'll have about 30 years to enjoy it until I retire.

I put up the artificial Christmas tree. I don't believe in real trees. Yes, I know they are raised specifically to die for America's consumption and end up in landfills, but I just can't do it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when I was a baby, I pulled on an ornament and our real tree came toppling over me and I got an eye infection from the needles. Thanks mom, for watching me.

Last year I had skipped the tree. I wasn't much in the mood for holiday festivities. As I put the ornaments on the tree, I reminisced about why I had bought them. There was the yorkshire terrier figurine I had bought because of Gracie. There was the grey cat I had bought in honor of Kristina, Dennis' cat. I remembered at the time how close Dennis and I were: like Will and Grace. We talk maybe three of four times a year now. I thought about our friendship and what it meant and still means to me. I thought about how so interesting people's enter and departure from our lives is so Universally perfect.

I looked at the tropical flip flops I bought in honor of my old roommate Jennifer. She loves everything and anything to do with Hawaii. She was my best friend from 4th grade until we graduated high school. Again, I thought about entering and departure. I thought about time and timing.

My St. Louis arch ornament. I had been there for three weeks on a business trip when I used to sell appliances at American. I thought about how unhappy I was on the inside then, and how back then I would have never guessed my life would be where it is now. I thought about that girl and if she would have had any clue she'd meet a Dragonfly and her whole life would change. I thought about if that girl even knew how to tune into a higher vibration and resonate there.

I looked at the glittering cardinal. I immediately looked for the disco balls. I had bought this combination of ornaments in honor of my love for the Cardinal Bar. Now the Cardinal has new meaning...the passage of time my family went through to get to Middleton and my Grandpa's Death. It's interesting how things can take on a new meaning in your life just because of the passage of time.

I decorated the tree as my favorite movie, "Breakfast at Tiffany's" played. What a perfect way to spend the afternoon.

I thought about my life now and then people in it, and the people I want in it more. I realized their significance, and I felt so blessed. I'll have to go out and make sure I find a mermaid ornament, an angel ornament and a dragon ornament. I'll have to make sure I find at least five dragonfly ones....

Our life experiences make us into who we are in the present. The people we have in our lives, and the ones we hold in our hearts shape us into who we are. I think I've turned out pretty good so far. As I clear out more and more "junk" from my heart, I feel more open to inspire others, to love others and to motivate others. I'm even getting to a point in my life when I can truly appreciate and love people, even if they decide they don't want to give anything back. I'm ok with that now. I just want to make a difference. At times, I question if I do...then I look around me and know I do. And I realize it doesn't really matter if I do or not. It just matters that I stay to true to who I am. When I don't, that's when things fall apart.

I think it's really important to have these kind of days. I realized I'm the happiest when I'm just staying present. It doesn't really matter what I'm doing, other than being right here, right now. Being present with my thoughts and memories and noticing rather than judging. Acting out of love instead of fear.

In five years, I wonder how I'll be decorating my tree. I know it won't be in Madison. In a way, that saddens me, but it a way it inspires me. Knowing I'm working my way to use my intuitive gifts in the medical field will be enough for me. Knowing that soon I'll have the knowledge and education to make a huge difference. To know I won't be one of the HMO doctors who sees a patient for six minutes and then prescribes three drugs for them will be my inspiration.

I hope I can add many more ornaments to my tree. I'll be 33 years old. I hope there will be ornaments about inside jokes with my friends. Ornaments about a great love. Ornaments from the past and present. I can't tell the future (well sometimes I THINK I can, and sometimes what I say does happen) so who knows what that is. What I do know is that without a dream, without people you love and without inner peace you don't have much of anything.

People need to take snow days. Without them, we just get lost in this rat race. We just keep going and going, never taking the time to really love, really feel and really be present. We feel obligated and lose our passion. We need a recharging of the soul every now and again. It's vital to existence.

UWW and "the cat"

2008-12-05T01:02:00.002-06:00

Tonight I went to celebrate my brother Derrick's 21st birthday in Whitewater. I went into his disgusting apartment to get ready. UWW's slumlords have apartments that are in conditions ready for rats. It's awful. I was doing my make-up in the bathroom mirror, thinking about the woman I have become since my five and half years after graduating. I thought of the girl who lost her virginity in the building next to this apartment. I thought of the girl who spent hours getting ready to go out on a Thursday night. I thought of the girl who spent hours looking for her suicidal boyfriend in the freezing cold.

I looked in the mirror and saw a woman with pain and joy behind her wiser eyes. I was so glad to have left that girl behind in Whitewater. I was done with my makeup and Lance said something to me about a cat.

A cat? What? What cat?

Apparently their landlord had trapped a stray cat in a live trap cage downstairs. It had been there over a week with no food or water....imprisoned in the pitch dark in the cold.

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTT???? WHERE IS IT??????

I immediately ran (Well more like crawled) down the falling apart staircase into this unbelievable basement out of a horror film...I wasn't even thinking...just acting. In the middle of the room was this beautiful black cat. I looked at it, and said, "you are perfect." I had the strangest spiritual connection with this cat. It was terrified and probably the first human contact it had had in a week.

We could figure out how to open the cage to give it water...I didn't want to touch it because the possiblility of disease is was probably high. We finally got it open and I gave her water. She pawed as to say, "Help me." This cat. This poor strange cat. I was so angry. How could anyone do this to an animal? How could FIVE people be living in this apartment and not think anything of it? Derrick claimed he just found it today, but WHYYYY would you not do something about it?

The landlord claimed the Humane Society was supossed to pick it up a week ago. What the hell???? Why wouldn't one of the tenants call him to say it hadn't been picked up? Why wouldn't the landlord check? How can you leave another living creature alone, in the dark, terrified, and starving?

I called the cops. They came over and said they would take her to the humane society. Then they decided no to in case the landlord had other plans...What the hell? So I said, can I call the humane society? They said sure. I left a message on the landlord's machine and told him what happened. Derrick said he'd check on the cat later and make sure she was picked up tomorrow. I'm going to follow up and call and make sure. Unbelievable.

In the past, I probably would have been way to scared of all the confrontation involved in this situation, but I just ran down those stairs. And when this cat looked at me, I just felt something inside of me that I haven't really felt before. Compassion, anger, sadness, care and love all rolled into one. And and on a small scale, I saved her. And I think of how many other beings there are out there that need help....I want to help...I'm not afraid anymore.

I feel sometimes a bit like Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's. She has this brilliant monolouge at the end of the movie about she and her cat not belonging anywhere. She wouldn't even name her cat because they didn't belong. I'm calling the humane society tomorrow and if the cat doesn't have any diseases and can be adopted, I'm taking her. I'm naming her Karma.

Excuse me while I re-program my brain....

2008-12-04T11:51:00.003-06:00

For the past oh, probably two and a half years now, I've been on the road to self-discovery and personal growth and awareness. I've laughed, I've cried, I've thrown things and I've felt so many things. I had a breakthrough the other day, and it has nothing to do with spirituality.

FACT: (I've been watching wayyy too much of the office lately) I've been trying to make myself happy by fixing every external circumstance that I knew how. I understood the concept that you have to "change" what's on the inside for that to reflect in your outer world, but I didn't truly know how to practice it or apply it to my mind. I tried meditating, I tried praying, I tried dieting, I tried exercise...nothing was making a lasting difference that lasted long. Sure, I'd have breakthroughs and inspirations, but then I'd eventually fall back into my old ways of being. In these moments of inspiration I'd run around like a crazy woman trying to convince everyone I loved that this was the way to be, because I was so elated. When I find something that works, I want to share it with everyone.

But then I would fall back into this weird space of self-doubt, anxiety, and uncomfortability. Whyyyy would I keep doing this? Because that's how I have allowed my brain to be programmed.

Dr. Rob gave me this book to read that a lot of chiropractors read to clear out their own personal junk to build a successful practice. I started reading it and I was blown away. It was all the stuff I had read about in spiritual books and things of that nature, but the difference was that this was all science based. When you talk about right and left brain activity and the way the subconscious mind works, you literally program and re-program yourself. It's like you are a little computer and you can program your reality.

For example, Say you were in a relationship that broke your heart. Subconsciously, you are telling yourself that you have a broken heart. Your left brain is going to deliver you situations that break your heart until you have re-programmed yourself to be open and receptive to love. It's all based on your perception. So, if you meet someone wonderful and open to love and you are subconsciously putting out there that you are broken, what do you think will happen? Since your command center has experienced that "high" of love before and then got hurt, your autonomic system will say to you, "this is how it happened before, you know no other way of being, you will get hurt." It has NOTHING to do with anything but how you have programmed yourself into being.

I have realized that my brain has been programmed by many external forces, like many of us. Our parents, teachers, experiences, etc program us to be how we are today. But we CAN change it. It just takes practice and dedication...and it's proven. Maybe this isn't all a spiritual experience after all...maybe it's just what is. Maybe it's just how the human mind works....but my question is...where does it all come from? If we are all part of a big bang or something created us, then wouldn't we all be interconnected anyway? We'd have the same molecular formations and energy inside of us?

I've realized that I've allowed myself to be programmed so much, mostly by my parents. But what they say and think just isn't TRUE! But I believe it. Take a moment and think of all the times someone has said something about you and you've taken it to be true....

It's like I've been an actor these past few years, trying to find somewhere that I fit and belong....because that's what I believe about myself. That I don't belong, and boy does my left brain find me evidence for that. So, the answer is not going around trying to find someone to love me, or something to belong to, it's actually about going with-in and re-training my brain to believe I belong. The mind doesn't know the difference between something real and something vividly imagined. I feel this is why some people can lose their mind...which brings me to my next point....

Since working at Pro-Health I've just had a ridiculous amount of coincidences....the other day, Dr. Rob and I were talking about parallel universes. Now, mind you, this is coming from a man who has more science and medical training that your family physician probably does. We were talking about it and then that night, I went to a friends house and there was a show on about it. Then I went to my parents house last night and my sister tells me she and Sonny were talking about it at that same time. WTF? How does this happen? It's wayyyy to coincidental...and then I thought...well, wouldn't I just be bringing that experience to me because that's what I'm focused on? If we can truly reprogram our minds, we are capable of unbelievable possibilities. Anway, Dr. Rob thinks that you might be able to subconsciously experience a parallel universe and yeah, that can make someone lose their mind. It's cool to think about.... I'm not sure what I think about it yet, but there are some very good evidence based cases out there.

Anyway, I think it's amazing. I feel like I have this missing peice of the pie. You create your own reality by what you believe about yourself and your environment. It's really all about the internal networking and programming we have. You can't make a mac run windows without the proper software...so how could you expect someone who doesn't know that they don't know to do what's out of their perspective? They need a software update.

It's easy to see why actors become their characters....when the brain doesn't know the difference between a vivid imagination and real life, it gets confused? So...is that why Brad Pitt takes off with Angelina Jolie? Is it why Heath Ledger went nuts?? Could be, might not be...but interesting to think about. Do people that spend that much time in another character have any idea of what is them and what is the character? Maybe that's why some people are so great at it...they never spend time being themselves. Is that why Britney Spears went crazy? How can you separate that in the brain?

I've been acting like a victim, like the light got sucked out of me. Like life isn't fair. That's what my parents taught me. Well, no more. I understand the science behind this and I'm determined to do the work so that I catch myself every time I fall and I replace the old way of thinking with new affirmations. It can be taught. It can be done. Who knows, I might already have done this on a parallel universe! ;)But you know, if you can get out of your left brain....why is it that we have this spark and connection and things we can't explain about how we connect with others? Are we living a different life on a different plane and the only thing keeping us unaware of it is our brain? Or is it Divine Intervention? Or Batman?

I think what will make me an excellent doctor in about 6 years is that I will help create possibilities for my patients that they haven't even thought of yet.

I'm in love with a fictional character

2008-11-30T21:17:00.001-06:00

It's true. I find myself falling in love with Jim Halpert from the office. Nate and I have our weekly date nights where we get dinner and go to his place and veg and watch the office. It's kind of like therapy for us grown-ups that don't actually want to pay for therapy.

Nate and I have these amazing discussions and have lots of explosive laughter. Sometimes we watch South Park (BOOM BABY) or Time Warp or whatever. We started this tradition with Arrested Development and when that was over, we started on the Office. We're almost done with Season 3.

Each episode I fall more and more in love with Jim. The thing is, with Jim and Pam, that's usually how most of my relationships or love interests have started: as flirtatious friends. That way, you can grow comfortable with each other, you know each others buttons, you know you have a solid foundation. I miss having a flirtatious friend in my life. I got nothin. Hence, (yes, I just said hence) my increasing crush on a fictional character.

I've decided to stop counting everything that I think is "wrong" with me and just realize, that maybe, this isn't the best time for a flirtatious friend. Maybe my flirtatious friend is right around the corner. You just never really know.

A friend of mine moved to Chicago a few months ago to move in with her girlfriend. They broke up, and now my friend is having to pay more in rent and in an unfamiliar town. BUT, she's making the best of it, and I think that's awesome. I'm becoming increasingly aware of how SAD life is. How unbelievably sad and how much suffering there is. Everything can be going well and then BAM! Someone dies, people break up, you get really ill.....it's just so sad. I'm usually very optimistic, but I'm finding myself becoming more pessimistic these days as I see all the suffering in the world.

A friend of mine just got engaged. Yes, she and I have definetely had our issues, but it was over nothing in the end. We have worked things out becuase we were both willing and wanting to do so. Anyway, her boyfriend wrote her a song and proposed to her and surprised her when she got home after a business trip to Chicago. Now, seriously....I can't imagine someone loving me enough to want to do that for me. If that happened to me I'd seriously cry and probably throw up. But why wouldn't someone want to do that for me? I think I sell myself short continually and that's the biggest problem.

I find myself becoming bored as of late. I fill my time with four jobs and struggle. I'm tired of struggling. I'm craving adventure and meaning in my life. I'm not ok with filling my time with meaningless things like extra jobs and theatre and drinking and making out with random guys. I want substance damn it! But I'm uncertain of how to create it. I was going to audition for a show, but realized, I'm just doing this to fill time, so I don't have to deal with my real deep down unhappiness. So I didn't do it. Plus, I'm probably going back to school. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. ARGHHH!!!!!

I hope for a hero to save me. Nobody is coming.

Reflections on Johnson Road

2008-11-16T11:56:00.002-06:00

There are times when I feel like I might feel things more deeply than
most humans. Or perhaps it's that I find things to be more than their
face value. Almost like making something into a diamond when it should
just stay a plain river rock. It's the value and the worth we place on
people, events, places and memories that marks our hearts. I find it is
the worth we place on ourselves is the one that we put as little face
value on as possible sometimes.

The evening started with having
some very proud moments as I watched my sister sing and dance on stage.
She looked at home up there. There is truly nothing better than
watching someone you love do something great. I remembered her as a
little girl-getting into my things, stealing my make up and jewelry.
I'd get so angry with her, but truly, she just wanted to be like me.
She wanted to sing and dance like me. I didn't realize that at the time
though. My sister has grown into an amazing young woman, and I couldn't
be more proud of her. That's generally a pretty good way to start off
your evening. I fell into infatuation with a young man that sang for
theMadhatters. Men who can sing. Ugh, just pick my jaw up off the floor now.

We drove up to Baraboo,
my kindred spirits and I. The ride was filled with witty sarcasm and
laughter as we taught Sarah to pump gas for the first time. We arrived
inBaraboo only to come face to face with the man that had let her down
the day before. Coincidence? No. Out of any place he could possibly be,
he was there at the same time we arrived. That doesn't just happen. It
was meant to happen so words could be exchanged for clearing and
resolution. That was the start of our interesting night inBaraboo.

I
had a strange conversation with my friend that we drove up to meet. It
was one of those awkward conversations where more was not said that
actually said. I stared into glazed over eyes of fatigue and something
else I couldn't quite grasp as I stumbled over myself to make small
talk with someone I really want to just bare my soul to. I've had
friendships that have changed and died and rekindled and all sorts of
things. But I've never had an experience of talking with someone where
I just didn't know what to say with my words. I wanted to say something
impressive or interesting so that things could just beok . He
acknowledged the awkwardness too. I was drawn into a memory of sitting
by the water last year as he told me his life story. I had sat and
listened to this man, not really offering much advice or knowing what
to say. I just knew that I loved listening to him. I just knew that I
would love him forever. There are a lot of people I can honestly say
that about, and for that, I feel blessed. Even when things change. Even
when you don't know what the hell you are doing. We are all dying
inside for connection, even when we isolate ourselves from the world.
The truth is I miss him. The truth is, we all do. We only see him on
rare occasions. This is what I mean about value.

I listened as
two other friends of mine shared about the troubles they are having in
their friendship. They have been friends since they've been in
kindergarten. That's a lot of years of ups and downs. I was deeply
saddened that they were having troubles, but I also know that our most
meaningful relationships are the ones that force us to look at our
"junk." And right now, they are both doing that very well. I know
things will get better and work themselves out. It just hurts to be in
that place of, "I can't deal with it anymore, but I miss her." Enough
said.

The night took the best unexpected turn ever when we
decided to take a bottle of Brandy from my friends' parents house and
go to the park and drink. Really? Yes, really. I love being around the
free spirit of laughter and energy. And nobody really does that better
than Graham. From the outside looking in, one would think he isn't as
wise as some. I beg to differ that he is wiser than all of us.

We
went to the park and sat by the water. We enjoyed laughter and banter
and wittiness and all sorts of enjoyment. It felt magical. The nights
of unexpected adventures are what I live for. The unpredictability of
the perfect day. I took it all in and it was amazing. Here I was, with
four people I had not known two years earlier, enjoying myself and
enjoying the profoundness of the ebb and flow of life. You never know
where life is going to take you or what will happen. I didn't think my
life would take me to a park inBaraboo at 3 am when I was 28 years old. The beauty and the uncertainty of the unknown was palpable to me at that moment.

A
beautiful stag entered the park and made itself known under the sky. It
sat there and stared at us. It was significant. Another argued that it
was not. The thing is, it was significant to me. Nobody else can say
that except for myself. It just might not have meant anything to him.
That's the difference of perception and our experience of the world. I
felt the awe inspiringconnectedness with the Universe and nature in
that wonderful moment. The feeling of being out of time and able to
just be. It was wonderful. And here we are at value again. The question
being, how much value do you put on the moments in your life? Are the
significant or do they just all pass by in a blur? I wanted to lay on
the grass in that park with those people forever. But, it was really
cold outside.

We then decided to go to the land where my friends' house had burned down. I watched as my two friends recalled their child
hood memories of that home and I could picture myself watching the
younger versions of them in that home. I received a new awareness of
them as people, how they are the way they are by the events of their
lives. By their interactions and different personalities and how they
deal with the world. I had a new appreciation for them both. It's
always great to see something or someone in a new light or new
perception.

The bottle of Brandy was passed to me and I heard,
"Come on J, take a drink." I was frozen in that moment as I was taken
back to the original giver of that nickname for me. It was just the way
Graham said my name. Of course, then I was made fun of for thinking
that had any meaning. But it's not like I heard him saying "R" or "S"
for Ray or Sarah. Of course it had no meaning to anyone but me, because
nobody else has been in my shoes. Nobody else has heard the way that
Ben used to call me J, and how Graham had just said it in that exact
same mannerism. It was like a moment that connected my past to my
present. It's in those moments that I appreciate what I'm doing even
more. It's those moments that make me realize I'm exactly as I should
be. It's in those moments that if Jordan's around to make fun of me I
want to hit him, but really I don't. Really I just want him to feel
something like I just felt in his own life. It's because I care about
him that I get so fired up. If I didn't, I wouldn't care to even
respond. I see how easily his brother understands this. I think about
the fact that I wouldn't be on this land having this moment if it
wasn't for Jordan. And I appreciate him even more. How do you find the
words to express that? I guess I just did.

I walked away from
the group for a moment of solitude with the sky. Unfortunately the
skies were cloudy and no stars were visible, but it was still nice to
look up at it. It's so humbling and wonderful to feel inner peace
within your own being. I was filled with so much gratitude for a night
like this. I used to have nights like this with Ben all the time. I'm
glad to have nights like this again. The value of this is priceless to
me. But, I may take it for more than face value. For one, it might just
be a night of nothing special, a night that just happens. For me, it's
a night of meaning, a night of love, a night of appreciation and a
night of hope that there are better days to come. Any night that your
stilettos are covered in forest matter when you get home is a
significant night.

As I watch the snow swirl around outside
right now, I think of another winter to get ready to hibernate. Based
on the past, I usually do this. But maybe this winter could be
different. It's all a matter of perception. Sometimes, I think I feel
more deeply than the average person. That I can make anything mean
something. But, it's what I do. It's who I am. And I think it makes
some people in my life love and appreciate me more. And, it makes some
people in my life just want to make fun of me and think I'm ridiculous.
It's all a matter of perceptions. And perceptions change every day.

I've done my time
looking back on it all
then it blows my mind,
I don't do sadness
so been there.
Don't do sadness
just don't care.

Sure, when it’s autumn
Wind always wants to
Creep up and haunt you
Whistlin’ it’s got you
With its heartache, with its sorrow
Winter wind sings and it cries.

Inspiration in one car ride

2008-11-09T16:37:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I went to my first myofascial release study group. It's a group of advanced myofascial release practitioners in the wisconsin area to get together and practice and study and research. I'm just a beginner, but I found myself being invited to join the group and I thought, wow, that's really cool.

I drove up with two of the women in my class at Tibia, Gina and Sue. They are both women in their early 60's, that had just started the path to self discovery a few years ago. They are lovely, caring women with a ton of temper and a ton of sass. Funny, dynamic, awesome women who tell it like it is. It's funny how life delivers people into your life sometimes. Who would of though I wouldn't rather be doing anything else on my weekends than hanging out with a couple of 60 plus year olds!

I listened as they talked about their troubles with dating and men and relationships. I listened as they talked about their "children" and what they are up to. They ask me about my life and get so excited for me when they hear about new things going on for me. Then Sue said....

"You know Jess, when you sang that day in class, I felt deprived. I felt like we had all missed out on something that whole year from you by keeping that inside of you. I wished I could have heard you sing all year."

I kind of felt like saying, "ummm hello...that's what I needed to heal within myself. My voice had gotten stuck...didn't you just go through a year of supporting me with that?" But you know, she's older, so she can forget. I just said, "Well, that's what I needed to heal Sue. I couldn't have sang for you because I didn't know it was inside of me."

I told them about my voice lessons and the possibility of being part of a recording for aspiring music writers and Dragonfly Wellness and the triumphs and struggles financially and business wise. I told them about things that happened in Intuitive Guidance Class. I told them of friendships of my life coming and going. I talked about my vision for Dragonfly. They, of course, were so excited.
Gina said...

"Your life could go in so many different directions. You have the singing, the business, and your whole life ahead of you. Don't get married."

I think this is about the sixth time I have heard, "Don't get married in the past few weeks." It's so very interesting.

I thought about all that went on in that car ride. And I thought to myself, "Isn't it a shame I held that part of myself back from people I love because I was scared. It's sad when people don't realize their inner light and their ability to heal and inspire others with their actions and who they are being." I thought about this for a long time. We dis-empower others when we do it to ourselves.

I thought about how much I push and push and push people to see their inner light. I drive people away because I make them actually feel something. It's so much easier to pretend you feel nothing and go back to suffering. It's what is familiar. I do it to myself.

I don't want to deprive people anymore. I want to keep on shining. I think of all the people in my life who were once very close to me and are not anymore. I wonder, are we done learning from each other now? It saddens me greatly. But I have to let go. It's impossible to keep on trying to make someone be a part of your life when they clearly do not want to be. It keeps you from missing out on all the amazing people that do want to be a part of your life. Sometimes you don't know the bigger picture...if there is even a bigger picture of all.

I saw myself. I saw myself with long, wavy, dark hair. I saw the golden letters "Dragonfly Wellness" on the back wall behind the reception area. I saw my sister, who was probably college age working behind the desk. I had a nose piercing and was more in shape. I saw this brief future flash of possibility...and that's what I'm going to be focusing on now. That is what I was meant to do. My life's work. A little dragonfly told me that years ago, and now it's finally starting to happen.....

Finally

2008-10-22T21:22:00.002-05:00

There's this New Age theory that after you die, you review your life. You get to watch every moment and also feel how other's felt when you made certain actions. If this is true, I'd never submit the pain I feel onto another. If people could feel what I feel, it might be a different world. Sometimes I wonder, will this ever go away?

I think I finally met someone who gets me better than I get myself. Who not only believes in me, but also can open up to me. Someone who experiences the pain like I do. It's so nice to be able to actually talk to someone about what I experience, and to actually have them care and listen. It's so nice to finally be able to have someone get me.

It makes it more bearable. It makes the pain subside. It gives me hope. It takes the edge off of friendships that aren't as close anymore, of opportunities passed by. It soothes the burn of not being enough for someone. Of not being worthwhile.

It's nice to open up to someone, to get it out. It's nice not to have to keep it all inside anymore. I wish more people would open up. It might be surprising how many people actually get it. When you keep it all inside to yourself, all it does is eat you away.

It's nice not to be alone in this anymore. It gives me inspiration. It gives me confidence. It makes me want to be a better person. It's really nice to be heard and have someone actually care about me. It's nice not to just be an after thought to someone. Mostly, it's just nice to talk. It's nice to know that when people fade out of your life, there are always new ones waiting around the bend. It takes the edge off a bit, but it still hurts like hell.

I hope this works. I hope, I hope, I hope.

2008-10-19T01:17:00.001-05:00

Please Work. Please Work.

On Wednesday, I'm getting my first laser treatment done for my skin. I'm so hoping that it finally kills all the acne bacteria and releases me from the torment of self loathing that my skin condition encompasses on a daily basis.

I was looking at old pictures that my mom has so 'lovingly' put up on facebook. It's weird because I didn't have skin issues in my younger teenage years when most people do. My problems started around the age of 21...the first year that I can observe looking back that I truly started hating myself.

I was 21 and living with my three friends Stacy, Maryanne and Jess. I was a junior in college and had no clue about what I wanted to do. I had recently sung the national anthem at the Kohl Center and got carried away by all the media attention. I had always been a great writer (or so my high school teachers say) so I thought, "I'll be a journalist." I don't think I could have picked something farther from who I was, but my ego loved it.

The guy I was interested in tried to commit suicide on my 21st birthday. So, not only was he clearly not ready for any sort of relationship whatsoever, he also picked my most important birthday to date to attempt the deed. At the time, it was the most horrible night that had ever happened. Looking back, I realize how ridiculously stupid I was to date someone that was so emotionally dead. But we started dating. Oh good. Perfect. I cant' believe I hated myself so much to not even get it.

I started picking up the pieces for this man. I breathed for him, because I knew if I didn't, he'd stop. He would be dead today if it wasn't for me. I realized that I have a habit of coming into people's lives when they need me. It's usually some kind of a big crisis. It's oddly strange, yet I guess, necessary. What I didn't realize is that I could have left him alone after that. But I kept trying. And trying.

My skin kept getting worse. I kept getting more frustrated. I kept gaining weight because I was working on my movie and would be up for 36 hours editing. I didn't take care of myself at all. I stopped working out, which was incredibly unfortunate because I had been in such good shape. 5'9" and 145 and yoga-toned ain't too shabby for a Wisconsin girl. I let myself creep up to almost 170, saturating myself and numbing myself with food and Dan. I took care of that man. I'm the one who had to call his family when he tried suicide again. I'm the one who constantly worried that this day he wouldn't make it. If I had only known then that it was all for attention. Some people are so incredibly fucked up.

The man who changed my life showed up for me. His name was Kevin. It was like some weird, strange "knowing" when I met him. He's really one of the first people I got that "I've known you from before" vibe from. He was in a long term relationship as well, and I think deep down, both of us knew we weren't leaving them. We clicked. We laughed uncontrollably together. He was the funniest person I knew besides Nate and incredibly handsome. We were talking one night and he started singing this song he had made up for me. It was hilarious. And in my head I kept hearing, "Dan's not for you, he's just not for you."

Nothing ever became between Kevin and I. We had a moment where we almost kissed, but it's not to be in this lifetime. The role he played for me showed me that there were so many better things out there in life. That I shouldn't settle just because it's comfortable. I wanted someone to inspire me and to laugh with me. Dan did none of those things. Kevin represented everything I was missing.

The night before graduation, I knew it was the very last night that Dan and I would ever spend together. I just lost it. I cried and cried, and I couldn't explain to him why. I had realized something that was a long time coming was about to occur. This could have been the beginning of realizing I had amazing intuition, but who knows. I was a different girl back then. I cried for two hours. Who does that? Certainly not me. I couldn't stop. I realized I had to take a step forward, but I had no idea how to do that. Dan was all I had known, because I had lost myself in absorption into his life. I had nothing left that was mine, or so it seemed.

The next day it was graduation day. We dressed in our gowns and got ready to meet our parents. It was so awkward, hanging out with our parents, with me knowing in my heart this was going to end probably that night. I went to go get in line for my diploma and low and behold, there was Kevin, smiling that amazing smile of his. I smiled back and he came up to me and we joked and laughed and hugged. And I realized....I had my smile. I had me, even if I had to find my way back one step at a time. That was the last time I saw Kevin. I would love to cross paths with him someday. I know he married his girlfriend. I would like to thank him for saving my life.

Dan broke up with me that night. A week later, he was wanting me back. Dan never ever did anything romantic or nice for me. Stacy's fiancee at the time bought me roses for Valentines because Dan forgot. Unfortunately Dan didn't get the message in time, so he was very confused when I called to thank him for the roses. Yup. Great boyfriend huh? And it's not even really about the roses, it's more so about the consideration and lack of it that he had. No respect for me, my time or who I was. Nothing. He was the guy that said he'd call at ten and he'd call at 1 am. He was the guy who would say he was going up with me for a weekend away and then I find out he never intended to in the first place after I had made plans to go. He was the guy who had money, but didn't get me anything for holidays or birthdays and I was in debt up to my ears in student loans, but always found something special for him. The night that Dan asked for me back, he wrote me a "poem." Mind you, it was full of wrongly spelled words and bad punctuation. It was a rip-off from the movie, Ten Things I Hate About You. I realized then and there, that I deserved better. I left.

I called my friend Fiver on the way home in tears. I asked him if I had done the right thing. Actually, I didn't ask him, I just told him to tell me I did the right thing so I wouldn't turn around and drive back. He told me I did the right thing. That summer, I had the best time I had had in years. My skin started to look a lot better, but yet, I still had the scars.

I started working at American and met the man that would ruin my life. He was married, but neglected to tell me he intended to still stay married and instead told me he was in the process of divorce. It was fast and it was chaotic, but I felt he was my soul mate. My skin had never looked worse. The scars I have on my cheeks today are from those months. It was awful. Just awful. When he sent me an EMAIL saying that he decided indeed to stay with his wife and they were moving away, I died a bit inside. I'm not the type of person to fall for a married man, and then to be lied to and cast aside like I meant nothing was devastating. I was done. I was sure I was going to marry this guy. I got so sick with mono it was ridiculous. I couldn't really talk to anyone about this because I was so embarrassed. I realized now that I was just a girl with little self esteem that was taken advantage of. I don't recognize that girl today.

Although these things happened years ago, my skin has never cleared. It might be genetic, it might be diet, it might be stress, but I can't help but wonder if it's emotional. Almost like I'm still wearing that bit of self loathing on my face, for all to see. I just want it to heal and go away. I hope this therapy works because I have tried it all.

It's ironic how we think the world ends when something extremely "bad" happens to us. Later in life, we can look back and track it and see why it happened. If I would not have dated Dan, I never would have met Nate, who is my BFF for life. If I wouldn't have met Nate, I would not have met Matt and Stacy and he would have not met. Lauren would not exist. Without Nate, I would have never started at American, which is where I met married guy. Without that experience, I would have not realized my self worth, because I clearly didn't learn from Dan. Maybe these things would have still happened, but just in different ways. It's hard to say. Nobody knows. I'm just happy to be where I am at now.

I hope this laser can help erase the scars that made me into who I am and what I believe and stand for. I hope this laser can erase the past along with the hurt. I hope this laser can give me a chance to start again, fresh. Sometimes, all you need is a fresh start. To be able to look at myself in the mirror and not cringe...To be able to not load on tons of makeup everyday...to be able to just breathe. To be able to wake up next to the man I love and be comfortable in how I look. There's so many things I'm looking forward to.

I hope this works.

Thoughts of the Day......

2008-10-08T23:16:00.001-05:00

My thoughts of the day...

First of all, let's talk about the body and the emotional component of scar tissue. My friend goes to the chiropractor I work for. She and I have the EXACT and I mean EXACT same issue. How weird is that? We can tell because with the proadjuster technology, there is measurable data about your condition. We have the same vertebra issues (that have changed since care, but always been in the same with each others) right now, it happens to be L1. We have the same damn psoas issue and menstral cycle issue. (every other month is intense debilitating pain). So what gives? She and I are "wired up" very similar. I seriously wonder...someday, someone has to invent a measurable way to see how emotional issues are buried in the body. It's pretty interesting. I don't know where my scar tissue around the psoas area comes from, but I can feel it. Yuck.

Also on the body front: Desk and computer jobs. I'm starting to see a lot of clients and EVERYONE has the same freakin issues...upper traps, scalenes and low back. Why? Because everyone works on a god damn computer all day. The human body isn't designed to do that. Our society makes it that way. People ask me how often to come in for a massage until they get "better." Well, the answer is...for the rest of your life....because if you sit on your ass all day at a computer, you will never be pain free, as much as you think your posture rocks, your body hates you.

Next....
Relationships and Marriage. Well, marriage doesn't fix anything. Again, I learned this from my friend today. Having a heart to heart on the hydro tables, she told me that it doesn't. I know this, but deep down, I think we all want to feel that being with someone who loves us will "fix" life for us. That somehow, but being loved, we'll be ok. But, it's just not true. There are times when I really really want to have a boyfriend. I get really lonely sometimes. I don't like to admit it, but it's true, I do. I miss being able to hold somebody and share my day with somebody and also actually really truly care about someone else's day too. And, well, the sex....you can't go wrong there. Well, actually you can, but that's another blog.

My point is, is it better to be single or in a relationship? It's seems like relationships are a lot of work and a lot of headache. Besides your own issues and crap and insecurities, you have someone else's too. And since like usually attracts like, you usually pick someone with similar issues, or someone who is a good mirror for you. Well, what the hell? There are some days I don't want to be around anyone and I just want to be alone and there are somedays when I can't wait to make plans and be around people because I get lonely. When you are in a relationship, you open yourself up to the risk of having your heart absolutely broken, so most people are guarded anyway. Nobody wants to experience that pain again, so why bother? I'm the type of person who's always changing, so does that mean I need to be with someone who is always changing too? Someone who is open to new ideas and ways of being? Someone who is constantly striving for a better way to live? The longer I stay single, the harder it is to think of myself actually being with someone who understands these things, himself and me.

I don' know. Maybe a relationship that doesn't have that crazy dynamics going on does exist. Relationships are a big commitment. I just wonder if I'll ever be done working on "stuff." I mean, there's always emotional, physical, spiritual journeys and issues to be working on. Do you do this forever? Is there a point when things are just ok? Is this when you meet someone? It seems like guys are always complaining that their girlfriend or wife is nagging him about this or that. Well, I don't want my significant other to say things like that about me. They had a poll on Z104 this morning to see if it's worse to lose your job or significant other. And most people said your job. Well, what the hell? Jobs come and go but people don't...

I guess I'm just being a bit pessimistic today. I never was a good "dater." I think it's awkward and strange. I usually like taking friendship to the next level. I don't know, maybe that'll happen one day. For now, I'm just a bit lonely and guarded. I'm realizing more and more every day just how fragile human beings can be. It's hard to think about trusting my heart to somebody else, as much as I think that's what I really truly want. You can't ever really completely trust anyone. I really wish that you could.

I don't know that I've ever truly really been able to be "me" with anyone I've dated. Wouldn't it be so great to find someone that I could be me with and not worry about what he was thinking all the time and if what I was doing was "wrong" or "ok?" Hmmmppffffff. I'm so very confused. These are the things that keep me up at night. I can't help but wonder if anyone thinks about these thing too? My brain needs to shut up now. I just want a guy to snuggle up with. See...that's the whole problem right there...it won't solve a damn thing.

Oh, the power of a little Grey's...

2008-09-28T22:15:00.001-05:00

Sarah and I are mid marathon in Season 4 of Grey's. We pretty much missed the entire season, so we are getting all caught up so we can continue with Season 5 this year. Thank god for Nate and DVR for us! He's so my hero.

Tonight's episode involved one of the characters (Miranda) who is now the chief resident at Seattle Grace hospital. There was a bus accident and her high school crush was a victim. Basically the story line unfolded that she did all his homework for him in high school and saved his life in present day, and he still didn't "see" her. He kept expecting her to pick up the slack, clearly not respecting her or giving her the emotional support she so desired. And I can't help but compare this to my own life. I find myself thinking I might be getting a little bit too deep in on this one, so better to sometimes bury it inside and not think about it and stay busy. I know that's not a cure, but it's a band aid.

I am a beautiful, outgoing, fun, passionate, risky, charming, compassionate, and charismatic person. I get along with anyone, unless they are an energetic nightmare, then I just don't bother. I own my own business. I work really hard. I enjoy my friends and family. I try my best, even though sometimes I fail. I'm just a human being, but I'm someone who can communicate and laugh and be silly. I do nice things for people just because it's fun. I stand my ground but keep an open mind. I love to try new things. I've had some of the same friends for years. I throw a damn good party and made a killer breakfast. But, he still doesn't see me. And sometimes that feels like none of these great things about me really matter. I've given up, and know that I deserve someone who sees me clearly. But why is it that we have such a hard time letting go of the person that never really wanted to see us clearly in the first place? A guy would have to be completely retarded not to want to date me. It's so interesting to see how we get wired up the way we do.

It doesn't take a genius to figure this one out. Just take psych 101. I wasn't a great athlete, but I got solos in choir. I was chosen to go to honors state choir. I was part of an award winning marching band. I had a job since I was 14 years old, my family claiming they never had money to buy me things like clothes. I had fantastic friendships. I was in the National Honor Society. But he still didn't see me. He saw my brothers, who were star athletes, never having to have a job, because somehow, there was always enough money for what they needed. They didn't have TIME for things like that. Of course not...I mean, musicals and shows and performances didn't require any time at all.

The wound is deep. It'll take someone very special to fix it. That person, is me.

Risks...ie, my daily whining

2008-09-24T00:24:00.001-05:00

Today I got to thinking how nothing great in life comes without great risk. It's true. And I'm living it.

The Universe forced me out of my shitty job, which was great and now I love what I do, which is great. The money: not so great. I'm making half of what I used to make. That really sucks.

It won't always be this way. In about 6 months, I'll be managing two offices and be in a nice space for doing massage with my physical therapist and dragonfly will be well under way. There are so many start up costs to starting your own business. It really sucks. I'm in the red now, but I know it won't always be that way.

Time to give up. That's what most people do. But not me.

I'm living my dream, slowly, but surely. It's so great to be able to help people and enjoy what I do. Yeah, every other day I feel like the world is ending, but I know life isn't all about being able to go on a shopping spree at Target. It's teaching me a lot. I'm excited to see what I can create for myself with all these aweomse opportunities. I got a new client today at the PT and that made my day. It's baby steps, but it was such a huge risk.

I'm hoping the risk will be worth it. I'm struggling. I have pretty much no time for myself and working 12 hour days as I get Dragonfly up and running. There is so much to do!!! You wouldn't think it, but there is. When I'm not at Pro Health or Back in Motion, I'm running around doing things for Dragonfly.

I took a leap of faith with this one and I'm trusting myself and my employers. Yikes. I'm really really trusting here.

It's hard not to get discouraged sometimes. It's hard to see that I still have so many things I need to buy for my space that are necessities but no means to get them yet. How can I manifest tons of clients when I don't have the supplies? Basic laws of the Universe say that it won't come to you until you are ready. Ok. So I'm trying to get ready as best as I can.

They say nothing great in life comes without risks. I took the leap of faith. Here goes....

I feel so Loriliae Gilmore. Even though she's fictional, I so feel like the episode when she runs out of money, ironically enough, to open the Dragonfly Inn. Then Luke lends her the money and it all works out. I, unfortunately, do not have a Luke. All I have is me.

Mix One Part Hippie to Two Parts Business Woman to Three Parts Glam to One Part Disney Princess to Four Parts Vixen-the taking advantage of men

2008-09-21T19:49:00.001-05:00

And you have me.

Well, kind of.

I learned something about myself this weekend. As much as I do "new age" type reading and energy work and emotional healing, I'm so not a "New Ager." I cannot possibly fit the stereotype because I'm way too posh. I don't mean this in a egotistical or narcissistic way. It's just true. I'm never going to wear flowly hippie gowns or not shower or not shave or not pluck my eyebrows. It's just not me.

Yes, I'm bringing out the catty judgemental side of me, but it's also the sarcastic and funny side of me too. I did a reiki share today at a clinic downtown. WTF is all I have to say. People are just so weird. Sooo freaking weird. Am I this weird too?

I'm changing.

I spent the weekend up north with my good friends. A lot of fun. The things I want in life are simple. I find myself not loving doing energy work anymore as much as I love doing theraputic muscle work. I love the fact that I knew how to fix Stacy's leg this weekend. That to me is really cool.

It's like the hippie in me is slowly dying, or was never much there to begin with. I still love going to the farmer's market and using organic and natural products when I can and complimentary medicine, but damn it, I wear lipstick!

I'm slowly realizing this blog has pretty much no point. I guess in a nutshell is that today, I realized how fucking weird some "new age" people can be. And I'm not necessarily worried about how I look to others, but I'm realizing just how judgemental I can be. I was surrounded by "oh everything is beautiful" and blah blah blah by people I didn't fit in with. It was awkward and annoying.

One girl said, "My dream is to have a donations only clinic" ok great...that's a lot of people's dreams...but how are you going to pay your bills and what are you doing to make that happen in your life? Nothing. I'm getting irked by people who say that they want things to change and do things but then don't take action to make it happen. If you don't take action, you go nowhere. And I like going somewhere. Even if it's just up to Wausau for the weekend.

Here I am, too!

2008-09-18T21:41:00.002-05:00

Today was interesting. An interesting day of eye contact. After dropping off Sarah, I turned my car around and headed to work. Upon yeilding to get onto the beltline, another car turned ahead of me. I made eye contact with the driver, it was really strange, almost pulling. He waved. Like, "Hi, here I am too on this journey of life. I'll probably never see you again, but I get it."

Hmmmm.

Today was a stressful day of work. The first day where I was like wow, this kind of blows. But it's because we are so busy and need to hire more staff. I drove through McDonalds to get a quick fix of disgusting food to make me feel better. Eye contact again with both the people I spoke with in the drive through. It was an acknowledgement of "Hi, here I am too" again.

I wonder if I'm becoming more aware of my surroundings, or if I'm being moved by random strangers for a reason.

A Lesson in Time

2008-09-08T21:12:00.003-05:00

Today at work, Dr. Rob and I talked about timing. He told me that the Universe will never give you anything that you aren't ready for, as much as you might think you want it. He also told me that timing is everything and you might not always know what will work out best. I realized my lesson in patience was looking at me with knowing eyes.

About two years ago now, I got a message from my Dragonfly that I would be a massage therapist and work at a chiropractor's office. Now, at the time, I was selling advertising, couldn't afford schooling and life was chaotic. It seemed that it was so far off, but I knew that's what I wanted and what would eventually happen, but I was so frustrated because it wasn't happening NOW!!! Whenever I get excited about something, I want it NOW, not realizing that at that particular time, it might not be best for everyone involved.

It seemed to take forever to get into school, and I mean FOR-EV-ER!!! Everyone would ask me, "Well, what do you do?" And I say, "Well, I'm starting this job at Subzero, but I WANT to be a massage therapist."

I started my sessions with Michaela soon after and I know I've written about this day before. But it just hit me again, the significance of timing. She worked out a payment plan for me, because she said it was "Most important that I was in this class." I found out two days before school started that I'd be attending. Upon going to school at Tibia, I thought the only reason was that I was to meet these amazing people in my class...but the timing was also totally perfect for the job I know have at Pro Health Chiropractic. If I would have graduated earlier or later, the timing would have been all wrong.

I could not ask for a better job or more fantastic people to work for. The opportunity to grow is awesome and in a year, I'll be managing two clinics. I click with these doctors and watch them play out so many interesting situations. I could have gotten a job at another chiropractor, but it wouldn't have been the same. It would have been at a chiropractor that still does old school manual therapy that doesn't really help their patients and probably wouldn't care about me as much as these two do.

I told Dr. Rob about my vision today and the whole "timing" thing. He said, "Yeah, two years ago, I was still in Tennesse." And right then and there, it was confirmed for me again, that EVERYTHING happens for a reason and that if you are clear about what you want and where you are going, the Universe will deliver what you want in the BEST way possible for all situations. I just had to wait two years for this one for things to line up right. It's all about patience.

But, if you walk around aimlessly with no plan, the Universe doesn't know what to bring to you. So, I'm getting more and more clear about what it is that I'm doing with my life and where I'm going. I know now just to be patient and everything will always just take care of itself.

I tend to be damn good about knowing what will happen with people and timing, but not really with myself. I find that I put a lot of ego into it, what I want NOW, and that makes it pretty difficult to seperate from what I want, from what's dropping in with no agenda.

I told my friend Sarah she'd be pregnaunt by September and she'd have twin boys. It's now Sept and she's about 3 weeks along. She'll find out in a few weeks if she's carrying one or two. I told my friend Bethany her child would be born around August 30th, and she said NO WAY, because her husband didn't want children. Well, guess what? He does now and they are going to start trying to get pregnaut around christmas. We'll see what happens. I told Tina that she'd be getting a job in health care and she'd know right away it was a good fit and would love it. Well, you guessed it. I see these things for people, but I don't attach a timeline, unless I hear it. Well, for me, I always attach MY ego based timeline. Yuck. I'm learing the lesson of trust and patience so much right now by being so happy at my new job and attitude. The budget sucks, but I know it isn't for long, and that's teaching me patience and that it's ok to stay home.

You can get messed up thinking about timing and what if's? But I guess I feel like if this worked out so perfectly, so will everything else, it's just that the lesson isn't over yet. Those earlier times for me were HELL. Around February of this year, I wondered if life was even worth living. I was so sick, stressed and so out of sorts I barely recongized myself. I didn't think things would ever get better. I remember being in the dressing room backstage at Guys and Dolls thinking that I didn't care if I stopped breathing. When you're so sick you can't eat because it hurts so bad and you hate your job so much, it's hard to keep a good attitude. But, things worked out...but it doesn't mean I forgot the hard times. What I did was learn from them. I learned how much I can and cannot handle, how much of myself I'm willing to give up, and learned that true friendships go through some really difficult tests.

Timing. Trusting. Living and Loving. Especially loving yourself enough to know that you are worth it. I know I chose to be here right now, in this time, in this life, experience this. If I try to remember each situation that I label, "good or bad" I know it's another chance to experience. Experience what it means to be human, to be alive and breathing. Trusting myself and knowing myself enough that I can do anything I set my mind to. It's just that the other person might not be ready yet. So I wait. Tick...Tick....Tick.... There's more to this adventure I call the life of Jessica Bavery, however, my perspective keeps shifting to realize that timing is everything and I trust the ticks to be the right length of time apart as they are. That's hard to do without adding my bit in. But I learned today that the Universe knows better than me what's better for everyone.

My life feels a bit like an episode of South Park today. A great lesson at the end of the show.

There's Nothing Better Than Seeing Your Loved Ones Doing Something GREAT!

2008-09-07T20:48:00.003-05:00

Today I went and saw Jordan in Tick...Tick...Boom! It's the story of the life of Jonathan Larson, my hero, who wrote RENT.

Most of the people that actually read and/or care about my writing, know that RENT has changed my life in many ways. The first time I saw it, I was blown away, knowing that emotions that I have felt so hard in my life were being set to music and script. It changed the way I viewed the world, the way I viewed relationships and also the way I viewed myself.

Jordan absolutely blew me away with his performance. First of all, it was so fun to see him dance around. Second of all, it was great to see him being goofy. Third of all, it was great to see him really feel what he was singing. I don't know if it was a combination of knowing how Jonathan's story ends, or the context of the show itself, or how much joy Jordan brings to my life, but it really moved me. I'm still thinking about it. I'm still thinking about the interesting synchronicity of life and the events in it that make us uniquely who we are.

Today got me to thinking about all the other times I've felt this genuine rush of pride, of great love and of enormous joy. They include:

~Lance playing in and my Dad coaching the game that took Oregon to State. That was a double whammy.

~Stacy's emergency c-section birth to a beautiful baby girl

~Emily's decision to continue going to school for nursing. Even though I wasn't there in person, I sure felt like it in spirit.

~Jessie walking down the aisle

~My cousin's army salute at my Grandpa's funeral

~Ken's peformance in Rocky

~Maryanne singing to Paul on her wedding day

As you can see, there aren't a lot of moments in quantity, but certainly in quality. I can remember each of these moments in detail. There really is nothing better than watching someone you love doing something great. We are here to touch, move and inspire each other. If we don't, well really, what are we here for? I live for these moments, though few and far between, it is what makes life worth living.

Thanks to Jordan for leaving me touched, moved and inspired today. I even thought I might have seen a little dragonfly hiding out in the corner. If I'm not mistaken, she said, "Not only is he going to be just fine, he's going to be great. You don't have to worry anymore." And with that, I have to say, "Thank You, Jonathan Larson, for still touching us here and now."

These Dreams

2008-09-02T11:29:00.003-05:00

Last night I had another crappy dream. I can't remember all the details, but it was wild.

First, I was with someone looking at artifacts that were being researched. One was a leather briefcase type of case that was owned by the author of Charlotte's web. I started looking around in it and found a coin and some sort of token. I felt like I needed to keep it, and it was part of some mystery. I don't know if that's the event that led to the chasings and attacks or something else.

We suddenly were in Washington DC in the White House, but I don't know who was president. I got seperated from everyone and realized the place was under attack. I hid behind this bed as all these secret service and people were violently murdered. A little girl was decapitated. I hid as best as I could, but knew I needed to get out of there. Somehow, I managed to escape.

I found myself in an unfamiliar home with my family. A kid came to the door with a gun. My family was out back. He was there to kill Sonny. I raced out back to warn them to come inside. They barely made it. I then was on a bike ride with my friend Jennifer and somebody else but I don't remember who. I didn't have a bike, so I had to share one and balance on the back of it while the other person pedaled. We were being chased. I don't really remember the details, only to know that I somehow had awesome martial arts skills.

It was gory, scary, and a ton of violence. I hate these dreams. I know that I got hit on the head and I watched murder after murder. I'm sure there are tons of things I'm forgetting. This is just what I remember after waking up.

I've used dreammoods.com for years, to interpret what my subconscious is telling me. None of the interpretations are a "good" thing. My life is finally coming together and I'm finally reaching some of my goals. So why do I feel so whacked out? What am I missing?

What is it that I want/General Anxieties and Rants for the Day/Lessons in Patience/I want to kill myself because my brain won't shut up

2008-09-01T23:33:00.001-05:00

I think there must come a time in everyone's life where they have to get clear and honest with themselves about what they REALLY want. It's time to cut the bullshit and really get brutally honest with yourself. I guess it doesn't have to be brutal, but it can be overwhelming and confusing.

My time is now, about a year and a half before my 30th birthday. I've had a GREAT time in my 20's. Lots of partying, lots of drinking, lots of fun and adventure, but when I look at it, it's left me with emptiness. Nothing of substance or sustainability. Yes, of course I love going out and socializng with my friends and family, but it's not fulfilling to me long term. It's not everything I want. I see people in their 40's and 50's still living this lifestyle and I can't help but feel sorry for them.

I started reading and educating myself about financial planning. I'd love to be able to retire at an age when I can still enjoy traveling and making a difference. I rolled over my old 401K into a Roth IRA, since I'm hoping the rest of my life will be spent self employed or working at a wonderful small company. No more big corporate jobs for me. It's for the birds. The old me would have taken that money and spent it on a new computer. Now I have to do the old fashioned thing and save up for one. That's going to take awhile on a very tight budget.

BIG SIGH. Yes, I've been known to be dramatic.

Well, I thought a lot about what I want. It's pretty simple, really. I want to love, travel and experience.

I want to be in a loving, supportive, trusting relationship. This means I have to get over myself. Really. I keep telling myself that I don't know how to date, nobody wants me anyway, the relationship thing doesn't work for me, I could go on and on. If that's what I keep saying, that's what I'll keep getting: Evidence for what I create for myself. But I really do hate dating. I hate putting on your best side for someone just so that they'll like you. I hate the awkward silences and feelings of rejection. I've usually dated guys that have been my friends and something more started to develop when we'd spend time together. But, right now, I don't feel like I have any options that I know of. So, it's back to square one. I don't plan on going on dating websites and crap like that, but I am opening up the possibility of meeting someone or "re-meeting" them if I already know them. If I'm really truly honest with myself, I do want a relationship, and I find myself really romantically lonely at times. There's still a part of me that feels like I'm unwanted. That's what needs to heal. It's so rare that I connect with someone romantically, and when I do, I have such a hard time letting go. I don't want to have to keep going through that over and over again.

I want to generate enough income so I can retire before 60. I also want to have a cabin up north that I can escape to and if/when I have a family, it can be a place for my children's family vacation memories. I want them to be able to know what life is like without a computer and cellphones and emails constantly nagging you. That there is pure joy and bliss in a cup of coffee and a good book. There's nothing more pleasing to me than spending time by water in the summer and watching the leaves change in the fall. I'd love to have a place for weekends of doing just that.

I want to have a successful business in bodywork. I want to specialize in myofascial release and trigger point therapy. To me, this makes the most difference emotionally and physically to the client...to free their bodies from the straight jacket it has imprisoned itself in. The continuing education classes are expensive, but I know I can save up for it and do it. Nothing brings me greater joy than helping someone with their pain. It's fun, it's like playing detective to see where it's stemming from and finding the source. Sometimes it takes a lot of tries. My work brings me joy, and that to me is more important than having a lot of money and doing the same mundane tasks over and over each day. Those jobs don't make a difference in our lives: they are just paycheck. I've lived that, and it's not enough for me. If I can go to bed at night, knowing I'm making a big difference and loving what I do, then it's a life well lived.

I want to travel. I recently had a conversation with my accountant. She is delightful and I always feel so inspired and powerful after talking with her. She travels a lot with her husband and they were getting ready to leave for a trip through Canada and Niagra Falls. I'd love to take vacations and see the world. I grew up very financially strapped and we never once took a vacation. It's hard to raise five kids on a teacher's salary and I don't blame my parents. I just want something different. I want to be able to do that for myself and my future family, if that is in the cards for me.

All this big "life thinking" has made me very anti-social and when I'm in social settings, I just don't feel relaxed or myself. Growing Pains? Or what is that? It's been making me feel strange. It's like I need this time all by myself, or maybe I'm afraid that people will laugh at my dreams. I don't really know what it's all about. I'm crying and laughing a lot, sometimes I feel bipolar. Seriously. I can't wait to be 30...isn't that when it gets easier?

These things are all great, but with goals, you have to have plans. That's where I seem to get stuck. I get really frustrated with myself because I'm not dating, I don't have a lot of money, and I feel like a lot of my life is on uncertain grounds. As I worry about this stuff, my skin and diet get worse. I hate it when my physical body is a product of my own produced stress. It is sometimes hard to breathe, which is probably why my stomach area is chock full of trigger points. Isn't that the solar plexus area? The energy there is the 3rd chakra, your sense of self. Maybe that's why I'm so into yellow lately. Makes sense. UGH!

Sometimes it's very hard to take it a day at a time and I know that's what I need to do. I have the tools I need to take care of this. I can't help but wonder if I'm so lit up lately because Intuitve Guidance 2 is coming up and it's getting ready to clear out. That'd be nice.

Life's Journey sure can be interesting. You never know what's going to happen to you. You can plan and plan, but you never really know. My life completely changed the day I met my Dragonfly. And, sometimes I wonder what it would be like if that had never happened. But you can't live off of what ifs. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I had married Dan. If I had never had an intervention that whispered subconsciously to me, "you're meant to do so much more." I do believe things happen for a reason. It's really hard sometimes though, because we hold on so tightly to what we think we want, rather than allowing space in our lives for what is to be for everyone's highest good.

Last Night, I Had A Dream

2008-08-30T10:15:00.003-05:00

I found my place in a desert called cyberland. It was hot. My canteen...ok wrong show.

Last night I had a bizarre dream. I was getting married. To the wrong guy.

It was a BEAUTIFUL day. It was by the ocean and I had this gorgeous dress and veil. I just kept thinking that something was wrong. But what?

I started getting ready. It was odd because my bridesmaids weren't the ones that I would pick for my wedding now. They were childhood friends. I was out on the beach in my dress talking to one of the bridesmaids and a tiger swallowtail butterfly landed on her camera. I felt like I was forgetting something. Just this odd feeling. Who was I marrying?

I went back inside. Everyone was getting everything ready. Then I saw him. And he wasn't dressed to be the groom. It felt like that was really wrong. It felt like I was just being set up with some random guy to marry and I didn't know who it was.

I started to panic and cornered this guy who I thought I should be marrying. I said, "What is going on here?" I don't remember what he said, just that suddenly for a few minutes we were back at my childhood home. So many of my dreams take place there, so it's becoming very familiar. He said he had to make a phone call. He went into the garage and didn't come out. I found myself back on this beach, the wedding coordinator saying it had to start.

I didn't know what to do. All my friends and family were there, looking at me, ready to walk down the aisle. I was looking everywhere for this guy I was going to marry. I heard a name being shouted...not sure if it was mine or his or whatever. Then I woke up.

What the hell?

What kills us inside

2008-08-29T20:48:00.002-05:00

I just got out of an awesome bath at my parents house. They have this HUGE bathtub and it's such a treat.

I put my legs up on the wall and relaxed. I looked at my legs. They looked like a super model's legs in all that froth and water. Super smooth skin, long and muscular. A thought came into my head. "I wonder what my legs would look like if I actually took good care of myself?" Well, they'd be way more muscular, better skin texture, probably a lot stronger...and the list goes on.

My point is this: What keeps us from taking really good care of ourselves? Getting enough sleep, exercising, eating well, mental health, emotional and physical needs? Why do we not love ourselves enough to do this?

It's sad. I witness so much potential in so many people. I don't notice it always in myself. I know if I ate better and exercised, my skin wouldn't be an issue. I wouldn't constantly be annoyed by my expanding love handles. But why? What's the issue here really? Where's the drive and motivation?

I find the crappier I take care of myself, the more depressed and anti social I get. I am so anti social right now. I hate it. I love my new job, so I really like going into work. It's so great to be around two really inspiring people. I love it. It makes me want to take better care of myself and be a better person. But the days I spend laying around the house, not doing much of anything, I feel like crap.

I need some motivation! I'd love for my legs to look like what they could look like if I actually took care of myself. But more so, I'd love to figure out what prevents me from doing this in the first place. How can I possibly expect to find a healthy relationship with somebody that I want to love me, if I don't even love me enough?

When you don't fit in

2008-08-29T20:41:00.002-05:00

I didn't fit in last night. My cousin is getting married and I went to his fiance's bachlorette party. She's 20 and so are her friends. I've never been around more dramatic people. It was annoying and I tried to fit in, but I just didn't.

Like people find like people. I mean, usually the people you are closest to are a lot like you. You have similar interests or similar personalities and things you admire about one another. It's interesting, you can tell a lot about someone when you meet their friends.

When you change, usually your friendships do too. Even if you don't know you're changing. It's hard sometimes. Things just don't fit like they used to and you can feel yourself distancing.

I feel myself distancing from some of my "friends" right now. It just seems too dramatic and chaotic and awkward to keep being close friends. It just doesn't fit anymore. What scares me, is that it did fit. So well. And I have to then ask myself and be honest with myself...what did I find in all the drama that I wanted to keep having it in my life?

I find life very interesting. I'm always being introspective and learning from relationships. I'll probably always be that way. But, what that does mean is a lot of change. A lot of finding what does and does not work for you, and sometimes you find out the hard way.

Sometimes, I just don't fit, and that's ok. When my friend gave us a ride back to my car, that was the most fun I had all night. Laughing and joking around. I fit. That felt good.

I thought of something to say

2008-08-26T21:52:00.004-05:00

I'm really hungry. I've been eating non-stop today, it's absurd. I'd really like some deli-style pasta salad right now with lots of disgusting mayo type sauce. It's always all about the sauce. I realize this type of behavior is not getting me anywhere closer to being incredibly sexy and sassy.

I'm looking forward to September, lots of fun things going on. Like what you might ask? Well like this stuff:

Dragonfly Wellness opens

I start my new job full time

Jordan's musical that he will probably make me cry at

Lauren's birthday party

Intuitive Guidance 2

Pro Health Chiro's open house

Dennis' Birthday

All these good things and more, coming up in September.

??????

2008-08-26T21:32:00.002-05:00

What should I write about today? I don't really have a topic in mind, but I feel like writing nonetheless.

Hmmmm....

Dear Diary,

Today I met a boy. He was really cute. That's actually not true. I just don't know what to write about.

Let's see:

I went on a walk today. It was really nice to enjoy the late summer air and get out of the condo for awhile. I've been increasingly aware of how important it is to take little breaks like that for yourself. I've been doing so much for Dragonfly and I started training at my new job this week, so the little breaks are important. I'm absolutely loving this weather. Except for the ragweed or whatever it is that cause my eyes to feel like they are glowing like the Terminator's.

I'm finding myself becoming alarmingly anti-social. This isn't like me. Perhap's I'm channeling the ghost of Christmas Past. That didn't make any sense. I swear, I haven't been drinking. It's just that I'm sick of people. I mean, not everyone, but most people. I'm liking spending time alone more and more. Does this mean I'm just getting boring, or more comfortable in my skin? I dunno.

I've got the back to school fever. That's rush of anticipation for something new. I feel it. It's palpable. I like it.

And so it begins, another cycle. I hope this coming winter is much better than the last.

A question of wonder

2008-08-23T00:39:00.004-05:00

It's Friday night and I just got done meditating. I'd normally surrender to the norm of friends and booze, but the budget does not allow at this moment. So, I'm forced to spend time with myself, and that can get interesting.

I started with smoking a bit of fun and proceeded to get jacked up on orange crush and chips ahoy cookies while watching the video of Matt and Stacy's wedding. Really? Yes really. I watched mine and Nate's toast and remembered the good times. I saw myself five years ago, a totally different person, but yet the same. I just hadn't really done any self examination and was pretty naive to the world. I was much prettier back then.

I danced for a bit around the condo...clearly a byproduct of too much sugar and reduced inhibitions. I thought a lot about friendships. I thought a lot about the current ones in my life and which ones are reciprocal and which ones are not. I thought a lot about how I care for others who don't really care all that much about me...or at least don't or can't show it. I couldn't help but wonder...is it time to just get over myself? Who really matters and who doesn't?

During meditation, I kept having the reoccuring thought of "Should I just laugh off everything, or should I feel things too?" I think the answer for me is balance. I can laugh off a lot. I can also feel a lot. But is the answer always to get over yourself? How do you communicate to others your feelings? Do you just keep these thoughts to yourself and not share them? What if people are sick of listening to you? I guess that's what I create for myself in my head. Nobody will really care or want to listen, and if I try to share, can I truly explain myself? My tongue always gets so tied when it comes to something real.

I get tired of people having the same issues over and over. It's like get over yourself...but I can see that irritation I have with others is what is mirroring in me. Will I always want what I can't have? Will I always feel like I need to tell someone how I feel? Why can't it be enough for me to just have these thoughts and feelings to myself? Does anyone really give a shit anyway?

I find myself caring less and less about people's issues and dramas and lives. Is this just my way of avoiding it in my own life? Probably. But I guess not dealing with anyone makes for quite a lonely life...or a lot of very superficial friendships. Hmmmm. I feel like some of my friendships are fading fast and I can't save them. I feel like I'm the only one who actually cares about them or wants to do something about it. Maybe it's just a lot of wasted energy. Maybe I need to focus more on myself.

I know this feeling. This feeling of wiping the board clean and starting fresh.A sense of peace and balance and anticipation. I was in this mind frame almost a two years ago now when I first met Jordan. A perfect space that I was in, happy, fresh and full of anticipation... but that wasn't to last long. It lead me on this fascinating journey of true self discovery. It's coming around again....this feeling. This feeling of just being clear and ready for what's next. This feeling of drifting apart from others. I wonder who's going to be around the corner this time.

Life's going to be changing dramatically for me in the next few weeks. Going from not working at all to having two jobs. Things are going to get interesting. I wonder if my life is being purged of certain people because they either don't fit anymore, or they just truly don't care about me. Connections come and go. I just hate it when they go. But I see the beauty in it, even if it hurts like hell.

Sometimes when I'm just sitting here by myself, I wonder a lot about what it'd be like if certain things didn't happen. But they did. The thing is, I wonder if anybody else thinks about these things too? It's the little things that eat away at us inside. But I seriously still believe in True Love. I believe that nothing is totally impossible. How delusional am I?

Prettty Damn Inspiring

2008-08-22T16:09:00.003-05:00

Micah Alberti...small town kid from Oregon, WI. He's one of my brother's friends, two years younger. He left Oregon to pursue acting. He's been on All My Children and the show "Wildfire." I'm sure among other things.

He's dating Bruce Willis' daughter now. I think the pics say it all. It's pretty damn inspiring what can happen if you go for your dreams. I think he's in good company now.

Technology is killing our relationships

2008-08-22T09:40:00.005-05:00

Don't get me wrong. The Internet is a GREAT invention. You can find recipes, keep track of money markets, email friends and even send pictures to people you rarely get to see. It's a great way to keep in touch, however it seems to be increasingly common that it's the only way we keep in touch and I believe it's causing a huge shift in relationships.

When I was in high school, you had to CALL someone to hang out or ask them a question. Email was just starting to become popular, and for me, it was a great way to keep in touch with my friend Bekah, who was in school in Idaho. Now, I don't have to do that, because I can just check her facebook. Sad, but true.

My sister's boyfriend recently broke up with her and she was more upset about what she saw on facebook then what actually happened. It was like her life was playing out online. I too, have fallen prey to that. "Oh, this is going on and his facebook says..." It's ridiculous. Instead of actually calling or talking to someone in person, just check their facebook status or their blog or whatever it is. You can always send a quick text instead of communicating with your voice. Hmmm.

The Internet is kind of like alcohol when it comes to relationships: You can hide behind your computer, it gives you a false sense of security and releases more inhibitions. You can also get totally delusional about what people put on their personal websites. I see it more so in the younger generation, because they have grown up with the Internet being more prominent in their lives.

It's easier to spend a Friday night surfing YouTube or Blogging than it is to actually live a real life. It's so easy to isolate yourself from your friendships because you have your computer friend. 15 years ago, this wasn't the case. I think the Internet is causing a shift in human relationships. It's sad.

Why call someone to see how they are doing? You can check their blog, their facebook, their myspace, email them, or IM them. Screw the personal interaction...the world nowadays makes it too easy to not have to keep in touch. A hand written note is a rarity. It's dis-heartening.

I've thought about deleting all my Internet stuff, but then, who would keep in touch with me? I guess it'd be a good experiment.

If we didn't have the Internet to entertain us, what would we do? I guess I would actually work out, spend time preparing nice meals, read more, call my friends, try out a new hobby like knitting or scrapbooking, take more pictures, have better conversations and less misunderstandings with people, and have a really clean condo. Those are just a few things off the top of my head. Imagine that. My life would be so much better and active...like I always claim I want it to be. But what's holding me back: Oh, I have to blog and sit on my ass for the next 45 minutes. It's too addicting. Sad, but true.

The Internet is like alcohol: Slowly killing our soul and body, but not really realizing it until it's too late.

The Irony of Relationships

2008-08-21T21:38:00.003-05:00

This weekend is my ten year high school reunion. Via the amazing internet, a lot of us have become reacquainted again on facebook. It's ironic that some of the people that caused me the most pain are now my friends. It's ironic that you just never know what will happen in life.

I'll NEVER forget the 8th grade dance. I was dating this guy Shaun all year, and to this day, he's my favorite boyfriend that I've ever had. It was so sweet and innocent and he cared about me so much. There were no games, no drama, no crappy sex. It just was what it was. Two people being honest and present with each other and loving every minute of it. My grandma took me out to buy a special dress for the formal dance at the end of the year. Then, out of the blue, he broke up with me a week before the dance. I was devastated.

I found out a few days later that he was taking another girl. Jamie Martig. I hated them both. How could they do this to me? They were just going "as friends," but something told me that wasn't true.

The night of the dance they started "going out." To me, it was the end of the world. My poor little 14 year old heart was broken. I will never ever forget the pain of that. It hurt so badly and I cried all night. It was my first experience with that sort of pain and it was difficult. At that moment, I thought everything was over in my life. Of course, you grow up, you move on, you meet other people and you just kind of forget...or do you?

It's funny because Shaun and I went out on a date when he was home from his last leave from Iraq last winter. He's almost done with his time in the army and is moving back to Wisconsin. Jamie is now married and has adorable children and we are friends. Isn't that ironic? I don't know if anything will happen with Shaun and I. I just think it's ironic that the situation now is so much further from what I thought it would be in my 14 year old head. In my 14 year old head, they were married and were planning baby names. You just never know what can happen...and who will be in your future.

I've gotten reacquainted with many friends that I was very close to in my younger years, but just lost touch. I see these girls becoming a part of my adult life and I'm very excited about it. It was like we each needed to explore and live for the past ten years, and it's ready to come back together, better than ever. Sometimes people just need space and need to grow apart. If they are meant to be in your life, it'll happen...even if it's ten years later.

I was the girl who was friends with everyone, but I did get my fair share of teasing and torture, just like everyone else. It's part of growing up. I remember when the new girl Emily moved here in 8th grade. She slapped this really "popular" guy because he was being a dick. I can't believe she did that, and I thought, "who is this girl who is standing up for herself like that?" We're still friends to this day...ironic and she still inspires me to stand up for myself.

Relationships are so interesting. We form these relationships because we NEED people. You can say that's not true over and over, but it simply is true. We need each other. Sometimes that changes forms or people...but we do need others. We can isolate ourselves, but that only lasts for so long. Human beings are meant to be social, thriving and happy creatures.

Relationships can change. It can go from friendship to dating to nothing to really close friends to seeing each other a few times a year. Relationships are always changing. I just think it's so ironic that something that could make me so upset so many years ago is getting another chance for healing, and not only that, an opportunity for a new friendship with somebody I already know I love.

Knock Knock...It's Your Future

2008-08-20T23:09:00.002-05:00

I can almost hear my 14-year old self explaining to my aunt that I had it "all figured out" for my life and there was no need to worry.

First, I'd get married right after college. I'd major in biology and work with marine life and do independent ocean research. I'd have two kids and my husband would make decent money as well. We'd live in Florida so I could be close to the ocean for my career. Well...that future didn't work. I didn't need to worry about finding a husband, because my parents told me I was pretty, and that's really all I needed. Well, here I am 28, still pretty, and still no husband. I'm pretty sure it has a lot more to do with it than that. What you'll believe when you are 14.....

In early college years, I was pretty sure I'd marry Dan and we'd move up to northern Wisconsin so I could start my career in television news, earning an awesome $15,000 a year in Rhinelander, WI. We'd talked about getting married the summer after graduation. In that moment in my life, that's all I wanted...to get married, have a few kids, and call it a day. WTF was I thinking? I guess that's what binge drinking will do to you.

Here I am, 28 years old and planning my own future. I've found what I LOVE to do and I also know a lot of my income is dependent on how well I do for myself. I need to plan well and live well. I want to retire by the time I'm 55. There's a lot I want to do in this lifetime...mostly traveling the world and making a difference, but that requires a lot of money. I've been researching and reading a lot about investing and retirement planning and my budget needs a makeover. So this month, my whole way of financial thinking is getting a huge make over for the better. I'm meeting with a financial planner and getting it all together. Grandpa Russ would be so proud.

The thing is, I don't want to end up like my parents. They just simply weren't educated when it comes to money and budgeting and investing. They are now getting it and getting more prepared, but I want to get this stuff taken care of and in good hands now. I really should have done that when I started my first job, but I didn't think that "stuff" was important. It is.

I'm a lot further ahead than most people my age because I own my own home and now I'm going to hang on to that property as long as possible, even seeing if I can get it paid off in 15 years instead of 30.

You can't really plan for your future as far as what is going to happen, because you just don't know. But I want to be safe and secure, and this means planning for my own future and not always listening to what everyone else is doing or thinks I should be doing. Remember being pretty is all you need to find a rich husband. GAG!!!

I look back at the younger versions of myself and laugh a bit. I'm sure I'll look back at me in ten years from now and laugh a bit too.

My ten year high school reunion is this weekend, and I couldn't be happier to attend. I can't wait to see what these last ten years has brought to my classmate's lives and for them to see me too. A lot happens in ten years. A lot happens in one year.

I can't keep putting off so many things. The future is now. Now is the time to start up Dragonfly, to open the Roth IRA and to make bigger mortgage payments. Now is the time to say yes to dating if someone manages to spark my interest. Now is the time to start budgeting and planning for mine and Britter's Europe trip in two years. I've never really been a planner, but I'm learning one step at a time.

Yeah, I called that

2008-08-20T17:51:00.002-05:00

The HPV vaccine...with it's clever marketing campaign targeting pre-teen and teenage girls combined with money hungry pharmaceutical companies and you have the recipe for millions of girls getting something they just don't need.

Finally, somebody decided to actually check out it's validity. The truth is, there is no evidence for any long term affect on cervical cancer. People that are putting this drug into their bodies are believing they will never get cervical cancer, when that is simply just not true.

The medical journal study that finally raised the questions that should have been raised when this was starting to be administered to the public.

http://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/full/359/8/861

Looking Back

2008-08-17T17:24:00.004-05:00

Last summer I attended Middleton Player's performance of Caberet and was blown away by a performance by Ken Urso. I had never seen anything like it in community theater. As I stared at this man, I thought to myself, "Who IS this man, and why is he going to be so important to me?" I told my friend that I was with about it, and excitedly called him, when a few days later I found out I'd be attending massage school with Ken. Ken is now one of my dearest friends and we went through something incredible together at Tibia. I recently saw his performance again, this summer in Rocky Horror Picture Show, with Middleton Players. It was a "full circle" kind of moment for me. Again, blown away by his performace, but instead KNOWING why he was so important to me and enjoying his success and being so happy for him up there on stage.

It's pretty much been that way with me for a long while. I can remember seeing a dragonfly pin on my grandmother at Christmas when I was 12, and thinking...what's it about dragonflies? Did I forget something. I remember hearing the song "Over the Moon" from RENT when I was in Winter Colorguard in college. It stuck in my head, again...the same feeling of...what IS that? It's interesting, but I vividly remember being exposed to something that's going to have meaning in my life. I usually know in the first few minutes of being around someone if they are someone I am to pursue a relationship of any kind with. I don't know how to explain that. It's just what is.

I wonder sometimes if we have this vague "blueprint" of what we are to do and enjoy in life and then we can fill in the blanks. I've been thinking about the creator of RENT today, Jonathan Larson. That show is incredible and he died opening night when it began to be successful. It was a freak heart condition. And, I can't help but wonder sometimes, did he just come here to put that out there, and then was able to just bail out, knowing his life's purpose was complete for this time around? The timing is too freaky. He created a cultural phenomena in musical theater, he created a show that has forever touched me. He created rich and intriguing characters that most of us can relate to people in our lives. He created a way to put his emotions into something somewhat tangible for the world to experience their own emotions with as well. It's amazing.

I wonder if we all have a life's purpose. I feel very on track with what I feel is mine: Creating a difference through energetic and bodywork. I feel very peaceful with that aspect of my life. It's the rest of the stuff that can get somewhat messy.

Looking back on this year, it's amazing all the changes that have occured. I experienced a huge transformation personally and witnessed it in 7 others as well. My classmates are incredible, and it will be so great to see what they do with their lives now that we are all out of school.

I've realized I live a life of experience. I like to try new things and see what fits and what doesn't. If something doesn't fit for long term, it eventually falls away. I find this happening in my life with all the "New Age" stuff I was so into starting a few years ago. It's being replaced with my own intuition from myself and within, my experiences, my passions and my belief that God is everywhere. It's in you, in me, in the tree and the mountain. If the Universe was made by a few molecules colliding, then wouldn't it make sense that everything is connected not only scientifically but energetically? Nobody knows, but it's becoming less and less important.

I think the best "religion" that I can create for myself is being present. That's what fits right now. Whether listening to someone or writing or whatever I'm doing, if I'm fully present, it's pretty amazing to experience. I get up usually looking forward to the day and what is in store. When something is authentic, it creates a lot of space for wonderful possibilites.

I'm always learning and experiencing: finding what works and what doesn't. And what works today may not always work tomorrow. What I do know is that when I meet eyes with someone and I get this interesting feeling of, "Who is this person?" I pay attention. Ken doesn't believe in God. I believe everything is God. It doesn't matter. We have this connection and we are important to each other. I so get the beauty in learning from each other. I can see that dynamic in so many of my relationships. 525,600 minutes. How did you measure your year?

Super Whiny Face Today

2008-08-14T23:46:00.003-05:00

I think I've come to a point of integration. Maybe integration isn't the right word. Maybe I'll come across the right word sooner or later.

When do you draw the line of laughing it all off or taking something seriously? If you are upset, and you hurt, should you just laugh about it? But when you can look at it later and it's funny, then why were you so serious in the first place?

Humans are weird. We all are just weird and have our quirks and our learned behaviors and we are always changing and fitting in and then not fitting in and everything is in this big continuous flow. What's interesting is to recognize our patterns; rather our ways of being that once served us in some way, but are now hazardous to our future and our present.

The easiest example is love. Everyone has been hurt in love. It's just a rite of passage. Some have been hurt more than others. When your sister takes off with your husband, that's going to sting a little more than your high school sweetheart leaving for college. My point is, we learn a behavior that we associate with love, because of the strong emotions attached, even if we don't realize consciously we are doing it.

So, the learned behavior is "Love hurts me." We protect ourselves. When someone new comes along and we think we are healed and can begin again, we run away. Or can't open up. Because love hurts. But we are basing our present on our past. And there is nothing you can do to change that except to heal it for yourself. It doesn't matter if you date one or one hundred people, if that is still there that "love hurts" it's going to keep hurting you, and you will keep attracting that idea in.

If you start to heal these things and behaviors, you start to transform. You will attract new people into your life, and guess what? Love can be amazing. But it won't be amazing until you feel for yourself that you are amazing. Easy example right?

Complications. Patterns can be learned very early on. I have an issue with not being able to say how I feel. It doesn't necessarily matter how or when it started...because blame doesn't do anything. I've done a lot of healing around that issue, and my relationship with my mother, but I've still got this hurt and scared part of me that gets so upset and defensive when I'm teased or challenged in a way that I don't know how to respond to. Most of the time, it's fine....I have a great sense of humor and can give it right back. But when you really care about someone and what they think, it can hurt. But it really has nothing to do with this person now, it's from the past. Because I've learned that "Every time you speak what you feel, you're going to get hurt" I get frustrated and upset when I'm trying to express something and it comes out all wrong.

I know where it stems from and it's very deep and from very early in life. In fact, I can almost pinpoint the exact year it started happening. So my question is this...does it really matter? Should I just give it up and laugh about it? I've been working so much on it, but the feelings are there and they are real. So how can you back up from it and still stay present? It's just like the love example...Love Hurts....so I'm backing out of it.

It's interesting. Humans. We say so much that we want connection with others, but we do so much to isolate ourselves. I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who moved out east. She started dating a guy there and found the relationship to be emotionally lacking. He says that "Out there, we don't talk about anything real." Maybe I'm unique and she's unique, but I doubt that when it comes to talking about something of substance. This kind of stuff makes people suffer. It's what keeps us from accomplishing our goals and dreams or even from setting them in the first place. All because from something in your past that has nothing to do with the present moment. Some would call it insanity, but in fact, it's part of everyone's life.

It takes a lot to admit that I have issues with speaking and anger. I guess I'm glad that I have people I can express these things to and most often, not be judged. I've come a long way. I feel like I'm very close to getting under the last layer of this. One thing I know for a fact: I'm never going to scream at my children to shut up, hit them, or threaten them. I know I will never scare them into doing things so everything is based on fear, nor will I be so financially out of control that my children don't get to participate in a lot of things. I also have forgiven. But I have learned.

I think it's time to laugh it off and have some fun. On a much better note...after two years of searching, I finally found orange sparkly pillows for my couch. VICTORY!

Finding the missing part

2008-08-12T01:02:00.003-05:00

Michaela finishing her first ride.

This past week I had the opportunity to do massage for the ACT 6 Aids ride. It was an incredible experience for me personally. I found what had been missing from my life. I didn't want this to be what it was....but life doesn't let you choose if something is meant to be.

The first two days I spent very very VERY crabby. First off: dealing with my sister's broken heart and re-living all of that for myself. Realizing a lot of that pain was still unhealed for me. It feels like death. I remember it well. Especially the first time you deal with those emotions, because that's the first time you realize it's so possible to feel something so out of control. I realized I haven't been a good example for her either. Hmmmf! So I sat in my junk floating around me and chose to be in crabby mood. Second: Having no plan about what was next for me. School was the only committment I had left. Nothing was shifting.

On the third day, we talked about what making a difference meant. The riders had their 100 mile ride that day, and they were HURTING. Not only physically, but emotionally. There were a lot of tears that night. People were really getting present to why there were there, either riding or crewing: and it's to make a difference. Chealsea talked about not getting into the "Oh their quads hurt so I'm going to fix this mode" and instead just said, "These people are so greatful you are here. That you are taking 15 minutes of time to touch them. Just be present with them and their experience." So being the resisty little biatch I can be, I told myself that was crap, blah blah blah, I'm suffering and shut it. But then I decided if I wanted room for something to shift, I needed to try it on.

So I was present with every client. Now think about this for a minute. How many times are we talking to someone and we have a million other thoughts of what we have to do tomorrow going through our heads? How many times do we REALLY REALLY listen and feel? Most human beings don't. It takes a lot of practice and effort. It was really difficult at first. I let it all flow through me, and wanted each client to just recieve. You can always tell the ones who know how to recieve and the ones who don't. It's such a difference. You can tell so much about a person from doing just 15 minutes of bodywork on them. There were a lot of tears as people remembered their loved ones who had passed away from the disease. Each person was so thankful for the bodywork.

I looked in the closet at the school and there was a box that said "Rosetta Stone" on it. I thought of the Tool song and blessed the seredipity of it all.

The last day was a GORGEOUS outdoor event. The weather was perfect. Everyone wore red. It was so powerful. There were so many different people coming together for one common cause. This disease kills people. It hurts people. It changes lives. Bringing awareness and shedding some positive light on it really paves the way for transformation.

Michalea fell on the second day. She sprained her wrist and was in a ton of pain. It was her first year riding. I saw her in a new light of vulnerability and realized that she too, is just human. We all are. And what I got so present to was that we all just do the best we can, and if we can offer SOMETHING to help another, it makes such a difference. Offering support or bodywork can make a huge difference to somebody. I saw my hero rely on us to support her. It was an interesting feeling...knowing that everyone needs someone. We are all connected and the common emotions and feelings of being human that we share bond us.

The closing ceremony was very powerful...and then it hit me. "NO NO NO NO NO" I said in my head, but I knew it to be true. What I had been missing was being active. I know this, but I didn't want to admit it. There is a part of me that knows if I set my mind and heart to it, I could be a great athlete. And that's what's next. And after I let that in, I was FLOODED with ideas for Dragonfly Wellness, which is the company I'm creating. Removing blocks can be pretty beneficial. So, I turned to Jessie and said, "You know we're riding in this next year right?" "No way, I don't even have a bike," she says. Michaela's mom turns to her and says, "You can use mine!" BUSTED! So apprehensively we both said, "oh shit, here we go." And so it is.

Call it dopamine, call it love, call it spirit, call it energy. It's all the same thing. The body creates what it experiences. What we all call it doesn't matter. What we feel and what we offer to ourselves and the world is what does. EXTEND!!!! Be the change you wish to see in the world. That's what I'm creating for myself, and nobody can bring me down from that.

Almost two years ago, I was selling crappy advertising in Lodi, WI. I came across a business card with a dragonfly on it. It was for a massage therapist. Something inside of me said, "You're going to do this." It ended up that the card I came across was that of a girl I had talked to earlier that day that worked at the chiropractor's office. I went in the next day to chat with her about massage...something I knew NOTHING about at the time. We had a great conversation. I drove home that night thinking..."Wouldn't it be great to work at a chiropractor's office and do massage on my own?" I didn't think that was possible. I rememebered feeling so defeated, miserable in my job, in my life, in my relationships. When you live in the realm that nothing is possible...it'll be true for you.

Here I am, two years later, graduated from massage school and having had a fantastic interview today at a chiropractic clinic in Sun Prairie. So here I am, living what I didn't think was possible. Yeah, it was a HARD road to get here, but when something is meant to be, it'll work out. Somehow it worked out that I could get set up with a payment plan at Tibia and the rest is now. Life can be very serendipitious. I choose to look at it that way, not because I'm naive, but because it's real and it happens. When something is meant to be, it finds it's way. No matter how crappy it looks in the meantime. Give it space, work on yourself and do what you can to help others along the way. I can't wait to find out what's possible next.

The complications of the human heart

2008-08-09T13:01:00.004-05:00

Yes, this blog will mainly be about me being a judgemental biatch, because that's how I feel right now. The topic of the day: romantic relationships and how they are so completely messed up and so completely similar for me and each one of my siblings.

Recently while comforting my sister from her recent break up from her first love with Glass Nickel Pizza and sad movies, we had a striking conversation. Each one of us siblings has issues with relationships. Big issues. Issues that I've worked this whole last year on healing and still have a ways to go. Now, what do we all have in common...hmmmm...our parents! It's amazing how a person is raised can absolutely contribute to how they are in their adult life. Once you reach adulthood, it's your responsibility to heal these issues, however, it's hard not to blame...which is what I want to do right now.

Not one of us has ever had the "upper hand." What about common ground? Trust? Creating a relationship in love and each other? We've always been attracted to people who end up being totally emotionally unavailable and we keep trying and trying, but of course it never works. When someone shows up who is GREAT for us, we run the opposite direction. We get stuck in these patterns, I've watched it in each and every one of us.

I've learned that people will unconsciously attract to them what they need to heal. I've seen people who aren't ready for another relationship yet because of unresolved past issues keep being attracted to unavailable women, I've seen people who aren't emotionally available or stuck or blocked in their lives attract the same kinds of people, I've seen women who are so desperate to be loved, they will date anyone. This stuff happens all the time...but when you are "in" it, you usually can't or won't see it. It all stems from within yourself and healing what's there.

So how do you heal this stuff? It's different for everyone. Sometimes I get to these points, like how I'm feeling now and think "What the fuck have I been doing? Has anything worked? What am I suppossed to do?" But I realize that awareness is the first step and being aware and being honest about it is very difficult to do sometimes.

I want my siblings and I to have great, beautiful, meaningful relationships with people who are good for us and care about us unconditionally. I think about how we've all grown up and become our own person, but how we each have this very delicate, fragile and harmful aspect of ourselves from our experiences of growing up.

It's been difficult, seeing my old classmates recently and most are married or engaged or in serious relationships. I've been there before....my ex boyfriend had even bought the ring. I'm on this adventure that wasn't suppossed to happen. I guess you can't plan life. And you have to do the best with what you know, what you are shown and learn from your experiences. I hate this circle. It's like an onion, layers and layers, each one more painful than the last. Maybe I should just throw the damn onion away, drink a lot, do a lot of theater, do a lot of pot, and listen to a lot of techno. That worked for me for awhile. But now with all the vices removed...there is just me. And I'm done with all my committments on Sunday. And I feel like right now, I have no idea what I'm doing. I forgot something along the way. What the hell was it? I hate being a prisoner of my own making.

Did I Forget To Pick Up My Drycleaning?

2008-08-03T22:07:00.002-05:00

For the past few weeks, I've had this overwhelming sensation that something is very "off." Not in a fearful, something really bad is going to happen way...but more of a I feel like I should be doing something or I forgot something. It's almost like I dropped of clothes and then forgot to pick them up at the cleaners. It's like I have a vague memory of something, almost like a dream you can't remember, but you know it was significant.

I went on a walk today, just trying to clear my mind and noticed how out of shape I had become from being very sedentary since my foot surgery. I'm retraining my body to walk. With new feet, everything is different. The whole walk was very nice, however it's like I have this nagging feeling that something isn't quite right.

I thought to myself and asked myself a million questions...is it love? kids? marriage? career? health? etc etc....but no....nothing really had a hit for me. I almost sat down because I felt lost, like I didn't know where I was.

Life is just really really great right now....but something is missing. There is something that doesn't feel right, and I guess whatever it is, the only way to discover it is to look within. I keep trying to leave Madison, but it keeps not working. Is something not complete? Is there something else to do here? I know I should just meditate and relax, but something is definetely simmering. It's almost like something was suppossed to happen in a different way, or have already happened....and it didn't....so now things are resetting themselves. But I have no clarity around WHAT or WHY or HOW or if that's even true. It just feels like I forgot to pick up my drycleaning.

Why Can't I Quit You?

2008-08-02T00:59:00.004-05:00

Here's why:

Anytime you pump 10 teaspoons of sugar into your system at once, of course it's going to feel good. It also gives me extra weight, acne and a congested liver. Cool! I've been trying to quit Mt. Dew for years and I'm never successful. I keep going back, craving the sugar, the taste and the fizz. It's awesome. But it's also slowly killing me. I have a really sensitive system and I know part of it is all the wrong foods I put into my body.

I just got back from a movie, and of course, had a Mt. Dew. I have horrible stomach cramps and heart pain, but I've gotten used to that. Seeing these videos woke me up a bit, because I didn't realize everything that was used as an ingredient in the soda and what it would do to the body.

I don't have a degree in chemistry, but from what I've read from "Healing With Whole Foods" eating naturally is the best possible thing you can do for your body. Of course this seems like a no brainer, but once you are present to the science behind it, it really opens up your eyes. Our culture and greed has made society unhealthy, overweight and addicted to many substances.

I hate that everything I love is so bad for me. Sad face.

A Never Ending Fairytale

2008-07-23T11:10:00.002-05:00

I met a dragon who showed me a mirror. My reflection stunned me-who had I become? Dazzling illusions of superficial energetics emerged, cords deeper than I could have imagined.

The dragon calmed my soul with his curious eyes, but my reflection back was too much for this time around. Saturated with my own tears of self-denial, we were frozen in time. Paralyzed. A free fall of trust would need to be present. It wasn't so.

I next met a mermaid who swam in my pain. Sea-green eyes of love and trust buried behind years of self-denied intuition. A perfect reflection on this karmic journey. A contracted relationship of insight and self awareness. She rides away on seahorses and I glide around on dragonflies. We understand.

I opened up what I had locked away so very tightly. I opened my heart to myself, breaking down my self imposed prisons of mirrors and chains. I step into uncertainty with a smile, very familiar with it's burn.

I gaze at the moon in wonder and feel my wholeness. I reflect on the journey thus far-thanking the dragon for his arrival. He's my best teacher. He probably doesn' t know I feel this way. He will now. It's from the ash that the pheonix will rise.

I see my actions clearly-as I have been chosen to be the mirror for a new character, Mr. Uncertain. I see through his facade of this reflection of himself. It's a way that I had previously known myself-that's why it's so easy to see.

It's a sickening compassion and I see him clearly-but he doesn't see me. He sees and believes in my illusion-that somehow I will make him complete. I will somehow validate his existence and pain. He's about to embark on his greatest voyage over the roughest waters he has known-his own heart. How very unsafe and scary it feels to find the doors to your own heart. But until you do, how can you possibly know what you have to share with another, if you don't know your own?

One last look at the moon assures me he will find his way. Seven years of friendship may be lost, but change is always happening.

I stand in my own now. I stand in my heart and in my center. I bathe in the light of clear uncertainty of the path ahead. Nothing matters. My own breath is felt. I live and I wait for the eyes that match mine-knowing the moment of seeing them for the very first time is soon to come. It is not important anymore. Nothing really is.

The daisies on my balcony have closed for rest for the night. I too shall fall away into slumber. I'll embrace my dragon, swim with my mermaid, and dance with Mr. Uncertain. They are all reflections of myself, all parts of me too, all beings to be loved.

One. Simple. Trust. Sleep-it's time to wake up. Time's up.

My voice makes a difference

2008-07-21T20:09:00.002-05:00

You know that feeling when you're ready to step up to the plate, but it's really scary? When you know change is coming and you want to embrace it but at the same time, push it away? That's what my Visions Class was like.

Visions in a nutshell: Using the space to have a break-through in your life. Having to get up in front of a room full of people and really feel. It's emotional, it's draining, but at the same time so awesomely transformational.

I watched my dear friend get up there and say he wanted to open his heart to love. But when you start getting underneath what is preventing something like that, you really start to see how a person has imprisoned himself in his own mind. When he was asked, "What makes you think you aren't open to love," he said things like, "I'm unattractive, my thoughts are so strange, I don't want people to really know me or they'll hate me, everytime I get close to someone they don't want to be my friend anymore." Through the sobs, you could see it. A pattern. And it's almost like when someone is stuck in that, they find evidence everywhere to support these ideas and beliefs. It really has to come from inside that person...seeing how they created it and it isn't real. THAT is what is transformational. As he got present to these beliefs and was coached, he really got that he was opening his heart to love. The other catch: You have to stand up there in front of the whole class until everyone in the room stands up for you. Everyone else has to believe that you got it for yourself too.

I could see his own prison clear as day, and how nobody in reality actually viewed him in this way. He could probably do anything short of killing my family and I'd still love him. He's amazing, inspiring, loveable, creative, a hard worker, hilarious...the list goes on. A true Kindred Spirit. But that's not the point. The point is, humans will continue to create their own self imposed prisons until the mind is still, clear and present. It was almost ridiculous to me that he could believe this about himself. But stuff like not being loved by your father and past relationships starts to come up and blah blah blah...we all know that story. But really...what you do DOES have an effect. It's not that you should blame others for your reactions, it's more so of getting present to how your reaction to something occuring created a belief in yourself that isn't real. I'm so glad for my friend that he is opening his heart to love. How amazing and what a gift he is giving himself. The only reason he went to Tibia was for the transformation part, and on the very last day, he got it.

F.E.A.R....False Evidence Appearing Real. I saw the new Batman movie the night before and was so perfectly stirred up for Visions. I was really present to my belief in myself that no matter what I do, it doesn't make a difference. I felt that movie was so based on fear, and what it can do to a human being. I started thinking about the government and war and all the fear that is so very apparent in our society. I thought about all the people starving and freezing and how society doesn't take care of them. I thought about not being able to make a difference. The conversation I had with my friend after the movie validated that thought even more for me. I felt what I was saying wasn't making a difference...that my intentions were coming out of my mouth all wrong. A pattern. I know this pattern and I'm able to catch myself when I'm running it now, but the emotion of it is still there. ARGHH!!

So, here it is Sunday morning, running on a few hours sleep and we are centering. Michaela picks a few songs and the song, "One Voice Was Heard" was played. That started moving that emotion through me....those lyrics were exactly what I needed to be reminded of. Knowing that I wanted to be moving into service for human beings, but being scared that I couldn't make a difference really sucks. I've always known that I would spend a period of my life traveling and doing service, and now those opportunities are starting to show up for me. I knew I needed to clear this pattern of thinking I can't make a difference out of my system so that I can actually make a difference in life. Whatever you believe is true for you, even if others don't believe it.

When it was my turn to stand up there, I just stood there. I had no words. I put my hands on my hips and my teacher said I looked like a super hero, which was really funny, because after seeing Batman, it was really how I wanted to feel. I just said I have no words. I was asked "What do you want?" I said I want to make a difference, I want to be loved by someone who actually loves me back. The tears were there, and I felt like I couldn't speak. I felt all this energy moving through me. I had the worst headache ever. I got more and more present to these feelings and Michaela said, "You've had a lot of experience in thinking that what you say doesn't make a difference, but you're looking at it in time. When you track it, it does." I thought about it and it was true. I don't know how what I say is going to land for others. But what I do know is that I thought of all the times I had made a difference to someone. And I realized I just looked at the times when my mind created that I didn't.

I realized it wasn't just words. There was the energetics of singing as well. As I was getting that into my system, Michaela says, "Why don't you just sing and that will help this move through?" I love how she just knows. It took me forever, but I did a verse of Amazing Grace. Then she said to sing and extend Transformation. I couldn't think of anything to sing but the National Anthem. HA! So I sang it and half way through it, I really started to believe that my voice made a difference. The whole class stood. Michalea and Karen still weren't standing.

The statement for me was, "My voice makes a difference." I had to SING that. So I made up just a scale to it. I was coached to keep singing it louder and louder. Holy shit...hardest thing I've ever done. I felt this bar of energy around my shoulders and heart just shatter. They stood up. It was awesome. What was really fun is that Michaela had already picked out our graduation gifts and gave them to us after class. Mine said, "Sing Loud."

I will continue to Sing Loud and to keep speaking. I can't control how it lands for someone, but I trust myself enough to know that what I'm saying and doing is occuring perfectly for what is needed in that moment.

My hair is short now. It feels lighter and that's how I feel too. Very light. Very free. Very open to love. Very open to myself. Ready to make a difference.

One Voice Was Heard

Some kids have it, some kids don't
and some of us are wondering why.
And mom won't watch the news at night
there's too much stuff that's making her cry.

We need some help
down here on earth
a thousand prayers
a million words
but one voice was heard.

A house, a yard, a neighborhood where you can ride your new bike to school.
The kind of world where mom and dad
still believe the golden rule.

Life's not that simple
Down here on Earth
A thousand prayers
A million words
But on voice was heard.

One voice, one simple word.
Hearts know what to say.
One dream can change the world.
Keep believing, till you find your way.

Yesterday while walking home
I saw some kid on Newberry Road.
He pulled a pistol from his bag
and tossed it in the river below.

Thanks for the help
Down here on Earth
A thousand prayers
A million words
But one voice was heard.
One voice was heard.
One voice was heard

Frustration, Compassion and Sadness...all in one session

2008-07-15T18:47:00.003-05:00

I gave a massage today to an aquaintance. It wasn't her first session, so I knew sort of what to expect energetically from her.

She can't relax. She is constantly twitching, jerking, moving around. Her nervous system has the brakes on at all times. She tries to do everything herself in her life and she stresses herself out way too much. She's usually a pile of emotions and clearly has a life out of balance. It reminds me of me a year ago.

I felt such compassion for her. I understand what it's like to be stressed out all the time...usually caused by the own voices in your head. You hear, "I'm not good enough, I'm awkward, I suck at everything I do, nobody understands me...etc," in your head all the time. It makes you want to lock yourself away from the world, never giving anyone a real chance to really understand or know you. It's easy to be present when there is alcohol involved...anyone can do that. Usually these people get sloppy drunk to deal with all the shit going in inside of them. UGHHH that was so me, and still can be. I just wanted to tell her to take care of herself, but we don't have that relationship...not yet anyway.

In school, they teach us the body's defense mechanisms and stress patterns and all sorts of things related to the client's emotional health. I'm so happy to be aware of these things, because it helps guide me with what kind of a session to give and to meet the client where they are at.

Oh, did I have an overwhelming desire to open my mouth and tell her everything I was intuitively recieving about her, her body, her emotions, what was going on...but I knew not to say anything, but those clues helped me give an amazing session. It's hard though, I still feel empathetic and sad.

I guess no matter what, I cannot fix a person. Nobody needs to be fixed anyway because everyone is complete and whole. I guess a better word for fix would be "help." I can't help unless the person can recieve. And this client goes on the defensive right away with anything. People hate being vulnerable, but I've never seen anything like this. I was mostly frustrated because she's trying so hard to prove to the world that she means something. I so understand that.

Blahhh...I just feel like I need something. Hmmm. I hate feeling like there is something missing. I also hate having mirrors shown to me that I don't want to see.

Love/Infatuation/Obsession/WTF

2008-07-15T18:31:00.003-05:00

Seriously, what makes somebody so attractive to another? Of course there's the physical, there's usually some emotional component too. But what happens when somebody wants to be with you so badly and you just aren't having it?

I feel like I'm in this weird malfunction. The romantic feelings just aren't there for me. I thought they were for a little bit, but when I really had time to sit with it, it was really just the fact that he was genuine, compassionate, real and caring....something I'm really not used to in men that I date. (THAT is going to change, time to be picky.) I'm slowly realizing my worth and what I can offer in a relationship. I need somebody who is present, loves himself and has space for me too. This guy doesn't love himself. And that's becoming more and more obvious as the days go on.

Our friendship has become awkward and his myspace and facebook (seriously, who INVENTED this crap...it's enough to make somebody crazy) statuses are usually something about me. I know he's lost his mind over a girl before, but I really don't want him to lose it over me. He's a great guy, it's just that there isn't that chemistry. That seriously-I-can't-keep-my-hands-off-of-you chemistry. That's a groundrule for me. I have to have that.

So what now, do I lose years of friendship because of this? I feel so very awkward about it. It's not even the "we're great friends and attracted to each other and there is something there" and we can flirt and have fun. Nope, it's not like that. It's becoming increasingly obvious to me that he could possibly be losing his shit over me. Over me??? Seriously!! Clearly, I don't love myself enough either to think that it's even possible.

So what makes us feel the way we do? Is it because we are attracted to what we emotionally can't provide for ourselves? Are we attracted to the same "kind" of person, where their emotions mirror our internal ones? Is it sometimes purely chemical? Why do some people become almost an obsession to us?

I think it's best to usually look inward when this stuff comes up. At first I felt guilty, but I know I have no responsibility for how somebody choses to live his life and handle his emotions. Maybe he needed to lose his shit for awhile and I was just a trigger for it. Just because someone doesn't want to be with you, doesn't mean you suck at life. Hmm...I should take my own advice.

Fear in the Elbows

2008-07-15T17:54:00.002-05:00

Last night I was so wonky. No matter what I did to try and get comfortable, I could not fall asleep. The insomnia has been rampant this week. It's so frustrating. I decided to try some self treatment in myofascial release to relax.

Lately, I feel like something is out of whack in my left ribcage. It feels like something is stuck to the bottom of it. I get these sharp, hard pains and the muscle fibers in my abdominals are really tight. I did some a psoas release on each side and after that I found two trigger points in my left obliques. Owwww.

I did an arm pull using the weight of the limb guide the motion. It's actually really easy to do and you can feel it really well. I just layed on the bed and let my arm hang off. About 5 minutes into it, I became so panicked. I could feel the restrictions in my elbow tearing (probably too forcefully) and I became absorbed into this intense fear and panic. It was awful and I had to stop. I don't really know what that was about, but I didn't like it one bit. I'll probably play around with that with self treatment.

I want an awesome boyfriend. It would be so great to snuggle up with someone, look into their eyes and think "I'm so lucky right now."

In my Inbox Today

2008-07-14T12:57:00.001-05:00

Your mind is like a reporter, only the most biased reporter is more objective than your mind.

Your mind colors everything. As an example, when you listen to the presidential pre-election news in the U.S., when you are a staunch Republican, you listen one way, and when you are a staunch Democrat, you listen another way. Whom you are for makes a phenomenal difference to how you think. If you are for one or the other, you don't even want to hear what the other side has to say.

If you are pro-gun laws or anti-gun laws, you just want to hear your side promulgated. You really don't care to hear the other side, as if there were only two sides in the first place. When someone opposed to your view is talking, you will disgruntledly turn the TV to another channel.

So much for objectivity. You might as well confess that you don't have it.

Now, I am not saying that you must have objectivity. No, I don't say that at all. What I do say is that you must admit, if only to yourself, that you come loaded with bias. Your mind is most often made up before you begin. Is that not true?

In the larger issues, no one really cares too much what you think. They want your approval and your vote, but, otherwise, you don't matter to them. How would they care? They don't even know you.

But those you live with and those you work with and those you are friends with, they really do care what you are feeling and thinking. When there is an issue with those close to you, will you consider putting your biases aside and listening for a while, letting the other person have a say while you listen? For the sake of both of your hearts, you've got to.

Truly, it is not that you must agree. It's just that you must listen because all hearts need to be listened to, at the least, to be heard. Better yet, to be understood. Oh, what a wave of relief there is when someone understands what you have been trying to say! When people listen to you, they help you to know what you mean. They give a great service.

When you do not or will not give your attention to what others are saying to you, you cut off their hearts. You know the feeling of having your heart cut off. You don't like it.

It does not cost you anything to hear what someone else is feeling. It doesn't cost you anything to listen, to care enough to listen, and to listen without interruption. Will you do that? No longer cut off hearts? Will you let people say what they have in their hearts and minds to say? You know, of course, whatever the issue and how important it may have seemed, it may have been a big to-do about nothing. You may even find that, when you listen, you are both saying the exact same thing!

And now, will you give an extra few minutes to let the people who care about you reveal their hearts to you? And will you let people know you hear what they are saying and that you respect them enough to listen, really listen?

Where I'm at

2008-07-13T22:20:00.002-05:00

Well, I tried and failed with the raw food cleanse. On day three, it got to be too much with all the emotions and debates with a friend, so I ate what I wanted. I have realized before how much I turn to food for comfort. I got really angry at myself and started the usual berating, but then I decided to just accept where I am at. Clearly, I'm not ready to let go my attachment of food yet. Ugh...there will be a time to try again soon. What I have been doing is starting to incorporate more raw food into my diet, taking a less drastic approach.

On a better note, my essential oil kit arrived. I've been experimenting with them and I love them!!! I read through all my materials and decided to try a few of the recommendations they had for the oils that I purchased.

First I put lemon oil in the dishwasher and all the glass came out perfect. Usually there is a gross film of detergent or food debris or something gross, but nope...with the lemon oil...clear and clean. My second experiment was with Lucy. I let her smell the lavender oil for relaxation and she was out like a light taking a nap within a few minutes. I also put a drop of lavender on my dryer sheet and had lovely smelling towels. Another lavender favorite is putting a drop on my hand at night and then rubbing it on my pillow for relaxation.

The very very very very very BEST part of the oils is the difference in my skin. I've been using frankinscense and purification on my face for four days. All my acne is cleared up. The only thing I have still is the scarring, but it's improved quite a bit. I've tried everything on the market but accutane and have made diet changes and tried every skin care product out there, but this is the only thing that has worked. Do you know how it feels to be comfortable leaving the house without spending 20 minutes covering up my face with makeup? It feels amazing!!!! I've also been adding lemon oil to my water and I really enjoy the flavor of it. This could be part of the skin clearing up too, but all I know is that it's working and it's really helping my self confidence. Yay!

I'm excited to get my book for recipes for the oils. So far, so good. I'm very happy and excited about this new experiment in my life.

Other than that, graduation keeps creeping up. I'm sad to leave Tibia, but I know I'll continue on in the Intutive Classes. I will really miss my class, but I know all good things come to an end eventually so that new good things have space to show up.

Life's pretty good right now, but yet, I still feel something is "off" or "missing." Hmmm...I guess when whatever that is shows up for me, I'll know it.

Day Two-totally Emo

2008-07-08T11:31:00.004-05:00

I'm feeling much better physically today than yesterday. My belly is already flatter (YES) and I've started using coconut oil on my skin and notice a huge difference.

I'm feeling very emo though. Not surprising, considering what's in my awareness lately. My head would not shut up last night, so I took a painkiller left over from surgery in hopes to shut off my head. That didn't work. In fact, it made it worse. I picked up a book and read the whole thing, and I was up til 5 am.

I just realized that I'm really lonely. Yes, I have great friends and a great family, but something is missing. I'm really romantically lonely. Not physically, but emotionally. I miss that connection with someone. I miss someone actually caring about me enough to respond to what I say, to care about me and my ideas and thoughts and worries. I miss caring about someone in that capacity too. I miss staying up late, talking about life and love all snuggled up. I miss cooking a new meal with someone, or going out somewhere new. I miss that discovery and that bond.

My life is great. I have a great game plan for what I want to do with my life in the next year or two, but really....I feel almost like what's the point if there's nobody to share it with? I guess I do have many people that love me, and this really hasn't bothered me that much before. It's been five years since I left my last long relationship and I feel I've learned and lived from that. I've dated and realized what I want and don't want in a man. So now that I know...where the hell is he?

It's not a NEED, but a WANT. I know I will always be a loving, caring, successful woman and I will create meaning in my life for myself and share it with those I love. But I'm ready for something more. Something that I can put myself on the line for. Someone that will actually care that I care for them. Somebody that helps support me to be a better person. Somebody who wants to be around me as much as I want to be around them.

I hate being lonely, and I know it will pass. Sigh. Is it took much for a girl to ask to want that connection with somebody?

Day One-100% Raw Food

2008-07-07T15:28:00.002-05:00

Well, I expected this. My resistance to this is extremely palpable. I'm craving cookies and sugar and coffee. I WANT IT! Ugh, my body has been programmed to run on sugar and white flour...hence why I always have a low level of fatigue and acne. I'm not fat, but I'm not toned. My belly is always puffy. I know in about three days it'll be flat as a pancake, which I'm looking forward to.

Out of every cleanse/detox I've done, I know the first three days are hell. On day four I usually wake up with incredible energy, clarity and just feel awesome.

Avacado and corn soup sucks. This may be due to not being able to find one decent avacado in this state. Raspberries and blueberries for breakfast is good. Making your own salad dressing is a lot of fun and so is experimenting with all these new recipes. I just wish I had a dehydrator and juicer, but I don't. I know I won't do 100% Raw Food after this 21 plan. I hope to do 70%...that gives me one meal a day to eat grains and cook food if I want.

I hate the first day.

It's Time

2008-07-04T01:22:00.004-05:00

Starting Monday, July 7th, I will begin a 21 day Raw Food cleanse diet. Why? Because it's time.

This whole past year has been a great emotional clearing house. I needed it. I had so much that I had pushed down in me, and it caused me pain in my life without my conscious awarness of it. I was afraid to really love, afraid to truly connect and communicate, completely absorbed in anxiety, immersed in my own suffering. It's been about opening my heart. The biggest piece in that part of it came last weekend. I've always avoided confrontation and last Saturday, I got a huge dose of it. However, it ended up being the best thing possible. I was reminded, "You don't have to do this alone." Oh yeah. Duh. How easily we forget.

I can see the changes in myself. I feel more comfortable in who I am. I feel more confident in pushing the envelope, challenging people to be who they really are. I feel secure in my intuition, no longer needing external validation, I know it for myself. I've done all this emotional work, but yet my body and skin problems remain the same. Time to take another look.

Right now, my body is covered in these weird red rashes that look almost like psoriasis. Before my big emotional clearing last week, I was broken out in hives. Because of the mind-body-spirit connection, I feel like this is all part of a bigger whole. What I do know, is that I'm becoming extremely sensitive. I react to food differently than before. I react to cleaners, shampoo, soap etc than I have before. It's time to remove all the CRAP out of my body. Literally.

I recently watched "Supercharge Me" a documentary about a woman who did a Raw Food 30 day diet. She looked phenomenal. I'm so inspired, and I will do this. After the cleansing period, I hope to maintain a diet of at least 70% Raw for the rest of my life. When I did just a 3 day cleanse a few weeks ago, I dropped a few pounds, all the bloating in my belly was gone, and my face was less puffy. I'm excited to see what 21 days can do.

I've also started an education program about theraputic essential oils. They will be a huge part of my support. They are PHENOMENAL!! The results I've had from just taking the classes are amazing. I'm so excited to get my kits soon.

I need health and vitality to do what I'm meant to do on this planet. I really got clear about that. I want to live life the fullest and best way that I can. Because I mean really, if we don't do what we came here to do, what's the fucking point of life anyway? I'm tired of doing it over and over again. It's time to be strong, it's time to do what's best for me and it's time to start being who I really am. I want to be constantly renewing myself in every moment. I want to make a difference to others. To be a clear vessel, I can't keep shoving mt. dew and pizza down my throat. Time to get back to nature and what is best for any human being. The earth gave us everything we need, why do we keep destroying it?

Opening My Heart

2008-06-24T17:26:00.003-05:00

This whole year, this whole lesson, this whole thing with going to school at Tibia has been about opening my heart. Opening to myself and to others. Realizing how I had been completely shut off before. It's still opening, and it feels physically painful as each layer is offering up to the sun for transformation and return.

The other night, I realized something. A conversation triggered something deep inside of me: I want someone to want me and enjoy me for me. In the past, I would chase someone, I would ponder about unavailable men, creating a fantasy world in my head that was safe, but completely unrealistic. If someone was available and wanted me, I would freak out and run. No more. When the right person comes along and I'm feeling it, I'll be ready this time around. I'm looking forward to it. I deserve more than what I've let myself have.

As the tears came down, they were quite bittersweet. Part of me longed for a "re-do" in past relationships, part of me realized they were part of the lesson. I felt open, but vulnerable. It's good to feel that way sometimes. It allows growth and space for new things to drop in.

Opening my heart to myself has allowed me to feel and to be present. It's allowed me to renew myself in every moment, and to allow whatever happens to just happen. The pain has been worth it.

And then she met this guy...

2008-06-22T10:10:00.002-05:00

Why is it that when you are telling a story with that line in it, "And then she met this guy" or even "And then he met this girl" that the story always goes downhill?

"And then she met this guy" and she changed, totally lost herself and her friends, became completely absorbed in him, stopped caring about her interests, lost sight of reality....the list goes on. We've all been there when a friend has done this.

Why can't the story be...."and then she met this guy" and she became even more awesome. He supported her dreams, brought out the best in her, challenged her to become a better person, encouraged her interests and appreciates her friends, allows her space to be who she is and now she is even more fun to be around because she appreciates herself and the world.

Why don't more stories end like that? Clearly, I'm not over it. My story is the former one, and she's marrying him next weekend. I miss her.

A Peaceful Day

2008-06-19T21:08:00.002-05:00

I have such a soft spot in my heart for old men. There is such a gentleness and peacefulness energetically flowing from a life well lived.

I sat by the lake today, enjoying the water and natural beauty. I had the blessing of four geese and ten goslings swimming up to the shore about 15 feet away from me. SO AWESOME! I watched them until they swam away, looking for their next adventure. There's nothing better to me than a day by the water. It just does something magical to me and it feels so wonderful to be alive.

The old gentleman walked up with his lunch to and sat down at the far picnic table. He wore a white baseball cap to protect his head from the sun. I watched him eat his meal in silence. There was just somthing about his energy-so very docile and serene. I wondered if he'd lost his wife or if he was just taking some alone time. Perhaps he had never married. People this this always have such stores-I can tell.

I think of my own life and everything that has happened in less than thirty years on this planet. I can't imagine what 85 years would feel like. I wonder what is going through his mind. I think you would eventually get to this place in old age where you are just surrendering and accepting everything that comes your way. I hope he's enjoying the present moment and looking back on a life well lived.

I want to marry a man that sits by the lake to eat his lunch on a beautiful day. Namaste.

The answers can be so easy

2008-06-19T15:37:00.002-05:00

I did a raw food cleanse last week for about five days. I wasn't perfect on it, but I felt incredible. My abdomen puffiness went away, I lost a few pounds and felt great clarity. While my body was detoxing, I wanted sugar like none other. It was awful. It's so interesting to me how we abuse our bodies and then our bodies crave the addictive substance. It's simple science really, but it makes me wonder, if we know the consequences, why do we put it into our systems in the first place? It's a deep seated emotional issue.

I want to give it another whirl soon. A night of PMS craziness occurred and I was making home-made mac and cheese pizza and cinnamon rolls. Man, did my system love me after that. The thing I love best after a cleansing diet is the emotional and psychological clarity. The physiological effects are wonderful too, but you can't beat the clarity.

I'm a big fan of David Wolfe's work, especially the Sunfood Diet book. He talks of all the emotional issues with food and how the raw food diet works. It heals the body, inside and outside of ourselves. It removes all the crap (literally) so we can feel and see and be excited about being alive.

Happiness

2008-06-14T21:48:00.003-05:00

Today I woke up super early and headed to the farmer's market on the capitol square for this week's groceries. It's so nice to get there early, because it is barely busy. This morning was beautiful: sunshine, fresh flowers and produce everywhere. I always make a lap first to scope out the best deals. After an hour, my bag was loaded up with organic strawberries, kale, rainbow chard, radishes, green onions, sugar snap peas and of course, fresh iris and peonies for the table. Everything was organic and sustainable and less than $20.

I grabbed a scone and a fresh squeezed orange juice and sat down for breakfast. I chose to sit across from the prettiest flower booth and took in the atmosphere. The sound of random musicians and smells of lilies ensnared my senses. Ahhhh, this was heaven. I forgot how much I loved doing this.

It was a pretty mild day at school. We finished up our last day of science. Hooray! I had mixed feelings this afternoon as we all organized our notes to prepare for our comprehensive exam next weekend. School is almost over. Mind-blowing. My eyes were drawn to the window and I saw the participants of the Foundation Workshop doing the "being with" exercise by the trees. There she was, Ms. Michaela herself, grounded and holding space for everyone. My mind drifted back to when I was in Foundation Workshop almost a year ago, and how that was the beginning of the biggest shift in my entire life. Memories of meeting Mal for the first time and singing with Jessie. How a year can change so much.... and now another dear friend of mine is experiencing the magic of what Tibia is for the first time. I watched her golden hair blow in the breeze and thought, really? Can life get any better right now?

It can. We were done early today, so I spend the rest of the afternoon with the new love in my life, Lucy. My family just got her yesterday. I picked her out. It's so interesting now that I'm trained in Intuitive Guidance to energetically track a dog for your family. I knew her instantly and my mom was set on another dog. Lucy won. I knew she would. We have an interesting bond. When I look at her, I feel so much love. I spent the whole afternoon being present with her and how wonderful it was just to lay on the floor and play with her, take a nap with her and run around outside with her. I am just in love with her. I love the connection we have. We are totally in sync.

I picked up my friend from Tibia and came home. I decided to deep condition my hair and finish reading the novel I'm working on. Then it hit me: I'm really happy. I'm very content. There wasn't any anxiety, chaos or any sign of anything extraordinary today. It was an everyday, normal and WONDERFUL day. I couldn't help but wonder, is it that I've changed, or is everything around me changing? And in an instant, I realized that when you change yourself, the world around you changes.

I find myself torn about my next move. Part of me wants to get out of the chaos of the city, but part of me just loves it. Energetically, I know where I live isn't ideal, but somehow it suits me. I went to Prairie du Sac with a few friends of mine last week. The river was beautiful and I found myself considering living somewhere similar. That's not something I would have even considered a year ago.

When stuff comes up, it comes up. I've found myself feeling like I don't belong lately. I experienced it last Thursday at Wilson's, experienced it in class on Friday. I know it's all in my head, and it's just my reaction to a mis-perception, but I'm aware of it. I know what to do about it now, whenever something comes up. My system knows. Even when I'm so stirred up about something, I know I can either take action and speak my truth, or I can simmer and it will calm down and clear out when it's ready.

I feel ready for what's next. It took a long time of healing after being so stressed and out of my body after major upheavals. I don't miss musical theater, my job or being sick one bit. In fact, looking back, it all kind of seems like it was a big joke. I mean, did I really get so sick and stressed out over a theater production? Did I really talk to over 100 rude and arrogant jerks everyday about something as stupid as their refrigerators having fingerprints? I did. It seems foreign to me now. I can't take the next job just to be doing something. That's what happened with Subzero. I refuse to put myself in that position again. I have to have faith that I can handle what is next, and all I know, is that it's gonna be a shoooker. In a really good way.

I hate it when...

2008-06-11T13:43:00.003-05:00

Your pee smells like vitamins from taking them. I also hate it when my traps freeze up from chronic holding patterns. I'm cranky. Lame. It's because I don't have any mt. dew. I hate detox weeks.

The sun will shine

2008-06-10T00:50:00.003-05:00

Over the past year or so, I've met some really amazing people. Some of these people so quickly became instant friends. It was like we had known each other for years already upon the first meeting. Call it kindred spirits, call it soul mates, call it destiny. I almost forgot what it was like to experience the beauty of getting to know somebody over time.

It's so interesting to observe how human beings are in the world after being hurt, being heartbroken, or just shutting down. I've been getting to know my classmates since October now. I've been particularly drawn to one girl, I'll call her M. Since Foundation Workshop, I've felt a connection with her. I was the one to explain intuition, energy and divination to her. She was the one to tell me she had healed from a broken heart, and I would be ok as well. I knew somehow we'd go through this journey at Tibia together, even though at the time, I didn't think it'd be feasible to start class in October. As fate would have it, there I was, in class with all these amazing people.

We've all had our ups and downs this year. We've all been shoooked to the max, being given the space and opportunities to look at our "junk" and get clear. I could see so much hurt and pain in her that she'd just buried. She kept saying "nothing was wrong with her" and she just didn't "get this whole energy stuff." She was the one to give me one of the most moving bodywork sessions, she was the one that told me she loved hearing about what I "saw" and "felt." She gave me inspiration and hope to be who I am. But I just craved the opportunity for her to just feel. She slowly began to open up to me, and everything I intuitively knew about her now had validation and a story along with it. I felt so honored that she trusted me. It's so interesting that her best friend left with her boyfriend of four years and she didn't trust people. I've found this to be a major hurt of people I love. I can't imagine what that would be like and how much pain that would cause.

It almost came up when we were camping, her readiness to get rid of all the emotional baggage she's been carrying. Her chance to be supported and loved in a safe space. She was sick to her stomach and it took everything she had to just sit next to me. I had already done energy work on two people who had never experienced it and gave her boyfriend a reading about his past and why certain issues were hard for him to manage. I was dead on, and it felt so great to be able to trust myself again. After being told that was bullshit in the past, it's nice to realize it's not and it's just people's unwillingness to be open that causes resistance. When things get stirred up and ready to clear, sometimes it's almost overwhelming. I could see it in her, feel it in her, but she wasn't ready and didn't want to look at it. I respected her and I love her, so I just let it be and nothing really came up. She went to bed. I wanted it for her so bad though. But it wasn't my decision. It was hers.

We did our final transformational bodywork this past weekend in class. I didn't feel particularly stirred up or anything. It felt more like to me that this session for me, would be about what's next. I set the intention that everyone would get what they needed. I also sent the intention up that I would get the courage to have my "voice" back (as in singing) and whatever needed to clear for me to be ready for my next relationship. I didn't tell anyone this, I just sent it up to the Universe to take care of it.

I was the giver first. So was M. There were 15 of us in that room plus 4 teachers experiencing something that I will never forget. The energy was so thick it was palpable. So many beautiful souls ready to experience, feel and get rid of their shit. Only about two songs in, and I look over, and M's client is just sobbing and so is M. I see one of the teachers, holding her from behind. My heart just opened. YES!!!! This is what I had been wanting for her all along, but it couldn't have happened for her any other way. She wasn't ready any earlier than this day. All those years of holding things in just came out in her tears. I could feel it. Things were popping all over the room.

Michaela came over to me and said, "If you know the words to any of these songs, SING IT. It will help your client clear." How did she know? It took a lot of courage and at first I just started humming. By the end of the session, Michaela came over to my client again and we were doing energy work together. Michaela was singing and so was I. Two BIG things cleared for me in that moment. My unworthiness and my courage to sing. Singing with Michaela and doing bodywork was just the coolest thing I've ever experienced. I've always had this story about not being worthy of people I look up to and admire. But here we were, making a difference, not only for ourselves but for the client. I looked over and M was singing too. It was so connected. I will never forget that moment. How fucking beautiful. I will so never forget that moment.

After we shared, my client said that she was emotionally going to places that were fearful for her, and my singing was comforting to her. How perfect. Perfect in every way.

When it was my turn to be the client, I felt so relaxed. That's a rarity for me. Just to slow down and feel my body. I felt so loved. It made me realize that it has been so long since I've been held, since I've been loved, and it felt great to have that human touch. I realized I am ready to have a man in my life if it happens. It just has to feel right to me. That felt great. I started to feel a bit unsettled and reached my arms into the air. I swear, I was holding hands with something other than this earth. At that moment, two other people had huge emotional releases. Something was flowing through me to assist energetically what was occuring in other people. Something big in me opened. I know this is what I am meant to do. This is my life's work. To assist in any way I can, energetically and through bodywork, transformation for human beings. There is always SOMETHING we can do to reach out to another in need. Bodywork is a beautiful way to connect.

Some people may think it's bullshit. I don't. Michaela came over and put some essential oil on my body for inter-dimensional healing. Ahh...so that's what was going on. My other classmates also had HUGE releases and created so much healing for themselves. My session wasn't so much about healing the past, it was about opening to the future. It was about letting those things that hold me back, just slide off.

We later found out that M's client lost her mother last year to a degenerative disease. M's mother is suffering from one right now. That match up was perfect. They both carried a particular suffering and emotion in themselves and being together triggered something deep for both of them. It didn't make me feel less of a person, or unworthy that she didn't have that breakthrough with me. It would have a year ago. I think of how much progress I've made. I know it's all up to the individual as to what they are ready for. I know how to meet and love and appreciate somebody where they are, even though I see so much more for them. In time, out of time, does it really make a difference? It all runs together sometimes. So far, I haven't been wrong, and other's I'm still holding space for them. Everything happens in it's own time. Transformational Bodywork 3 taught me that.

I'm a changed woman because of Tibia. There are only a few months left. I'm going to be so sad to leave that place, to be finished with this portion of the journey. I hope to continue with my volunteer work at CAPW and move on with Project Peace. I feel parts of me that I had shut down for so long are back and healthy and feeling alive. I've never been so appreciative. I've never felt more grounded and safe and free. I want EVERYONE to experience the beauty that they are. What a miracle Tibia is.

Michaela shared a video about her brother Frankie, who had died of AIDS two years ago. Each year, the Tibia students are required to participate in outreach for the AIDS ride in Wisconsin. Our turn is in August. I know that will be another amazing, transformational weekend. You never know what is going to happen to you. The best thing to do is be present and love those in your life. I so get that now.

It makes me wish I could go back in time sometimes and re-do things that I know now were out of ego and my own pain. But that was all part of the lesson. I'm so appreciative to those I have those difficult times with. It helps us both to transform. And I know you're reading this....you know who you are....and I was right. You can never tell me otherwise. You were a Divine intervention in my life. It was amazing, I learned so much. I changed so much. You stirred things up in me that I didn't even know where holding me back and were there, buried. Thank you. I'm sorry we had to hurt each other so much. Even if we are never connected as closely as we used to be, I experienced something amazing because of meeting you. Where this journey may lead you, always Trust. Especially in yourself.

I know the sun will keep rising everyday. I'll be greeting it with an open heart and open mind.

Eye Contact

2008-06-03T21:43:00.003-05:00

Have you ever met eyes with someone and you knew that life was never going to be the same? That was my Saturday night.

I haven't had this awesome of an energetic connection with someone since meeting my "myspace" friend at Wilson's over a year ago. This connection wasn't one of curiosity and intensity though. It was one of peace and understanding.

We were all sitting in a circle on my friend's deck. My friend was begging me to tell him about myself, stating that I was one of the coolest people she knows. He said, "She's not about that, she's a pisces. She is humble." Wow. The truth is, usually I feel like I need to fill the space with words with people, but with him, I didn't. I just wanted to sit there and surrender to this vivid inner peace that was filling my system.

I said, "I'm just really glad to have met you. I feel like I don't need to say anything." He nodded in understanding. His girlfriend too. He is madly in love with her, and it is so beautiful. It's the kind of connection that I want with someone. He said "It took me a long time to work through all of my stuff to be able to accept and receive the kind of love I wanted." BAM! There are guys out there like him. There are guys that will understand working through your own "stuff" and self awareness.

I felt like I've probably been his lover in 30 past lives. The karma was finished. Totally complete. He was there as a reminder. We talked about how we meet people, and how relationships fall away as things change. He told me you meet people at the right time. I met him at the perfect time. All the anxiety flew away. It just wasn't present. I felt no need to decide anything. All I knew, was that for the first time, it felt perfectly acceptable for me to be patient and wait and not settle for what is in front of me because it didn't feel right. All he had to do was be himself and show up. And that energetically created the space for me to be myself.

It was a beautiful spring evening, full of love, laughter and healing. His eyes were so intense, so amazing, so full of love. I have been floored by what he opened up in me. I have no idea if he'll even be a friend in this life. It doesn't really feel like he needs to be. It's just that I was so happy and so at peace to be reminded of what love really looks like. I witnessed it between the two of them and between all of us as a group.

We just got each other. He knew it. I knew it. And now I can move on in such peace. Transformation can be so amazing.

Run Little Girl Run

2008-05-30T15:41:00.003-05:00

Breathe. In. Out. Breathe. In. Out.

Sometimes I forget I'm able to stand in the center of Self and be free. The walls started tumbling down last night and continue on today.

Seriously, how do things turn around so fast? A few days ago I was on top of the world, now, this feeling. It keeps coming up.

All I've learned about myself through this, is that when a guy likes me I freak out. I want to run and keep running. Am I really that afraid of love? Why does it seem so unreasonable to me that somebody thinks I'm amazing and wonderful? Maybe I'm just not ready for this yet. Maybe it's a bit much.

I guess I'm glad I said SOMETHING, but now I maybe wish I hadn't. I'm going to hurt his feelings, I just know it, and that kills me.

Out of the blue, she emails me today. I just started crying. I'm so sick of crying. I miss her. I really really miss her. Recent conversation about her has made me think of her more, and there she is, today of all days. It was good to see her name in my inbox. It had been too long.

Sometimes I wonder if I love people too much, or if I don't love them enough. I have a really hard time letting go sometimes, but I wonder if that is because it isn't over. I know it isn't over with she and I, but the circumstances make it seem that way. I guess I've learned that life is full of surprises.

I just want to run away. It'd be so much easier, but I'd probably face the same circumstances anywhere. I crave the ocean right now. I'd love to walk in the soft sand and feel the salty air hit my face. It's so refreshing, it makes all the problems of the world completely insignificant.

I'm trying to sand in my center of Self and allow and let be.

I think in matters of the heart, humans just want to be safe. Maybe everyone isn't that way, but that's the way I feel. I miss a genuine connection. I miss the feeling of wanting to get to know somebody better...but these are all safe. It's the unknown that's scary, and that's where I'm at.

I'm ready to run, but I don't think anyone will follow. That's ok too. I'll keep running until I'm out of breath, and eventually I'll have to face what I'm running from.

Universe-1, Jess-0

2008-05-27T22:37:00.003-05:00

The universe kicked my ass today-in a really good way.

It's interesting to observe things in your life sometimes. Today I got laid off from my job at Subzero. It's the BEST BEST BEST thing that could have happened to me. It's interesting because I needed something or someone to forcefully kick my ass out of there. I couldn't do it on my own. That kind of scares me. I mean, here I am, miserable, it just isn't working and I can't let it go. I kept making excuses, "Oh, the money is great! How will I pay my bills? I need the insurance!" But really, it was slowly killing me because I was spending my time being miserable. It didn't fit any of the parameters of what I want/need in a career: Doing something for the greater good, doing something that utilizes my talents and gifts, doing something that makes a difference, enjoying my time at work, and feeling good about what I do. Yeah...none of that applied.

So why couldn't I just quit? Why did the universe have to force me out? Well, I guess I've learned that the greater consciousness, God, Universe, whatever, will sometimes have to drop kick you out of situation if you can't do it yourself. Even though I'm a little worried about money and finding a new job, I no longer have that consistent anxiety in my body about being yelled at every phone call. It's a liberating and peaceful feeling.

When this happened to me last year, I freaked out. When I was let go from Cabinet Masters, I took it very personally, thought there was something wrong with me and my self esteem plummeted. I think the world was trying to tell me then that the appliance industry just wasn't my thing. But I still didn't listen.

When this pompous overweight man fired me this morning, he was very condescending. Maybe that's just me being a little brat, but he really was. He kept saying, "I bet your really embarrassed" or "This isn't going to be a good day for you." And I looked at him and said, "I have no reason to be embarrassed and this is the best thing that ever happened to me." He then walked me out the side door so I wouldn't be "embarrassed" and my co workers wouldn't find out. I said, "Well, when I don't come back to work today, people are going to know, do you think walking me out the side door is going to change that?" He then told me again that I was embarrassed and I again told him that this is the best day of my life this year. I wasn't going to let anyone tell me how I felt. I felt amazing!!

So now, I'm finally finally FINALLY out of Subzero. So what's next? I don't know. I hope if anything, that this has taught me to always follow my intuition and do what is best for me. Sometimes we need a little force. What's more amazing is that Michaela is always right. Everything she's told me in our session has pretty much happened. She told me that I wouldn't be at Subzero in six months time. This was in January. Pretty damn accurate.

Things change. People change. Life changes. I'm starting to really like change. Instead of trying to change things into what I think they should be, I've learned to chill out a bit and allow. It's much better that way and much more peaceful. I'm really looking forward to what is next. I'm finding myself in this space of fun and playfulness. It reminds me so much of the summer of 98. I feel like I've gotten back pieces of me I let go of a long time ago, and I feel renewed. I feel so much more myself and not this constant knot of insecurity, anxiety and inadequacy. It's pretty nice. I finally feel me, and the Universe is realigning to what that really means. Yes!

Happy Birthday Grandpa Russell

2008-05-26T00:26:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to say Happy Birthday to you. Lance was in Dauphin Island, wearing your fedora and having a drink in your honor. I didn't do any special ritual this year. I spent time with close friends and laughed and cried and felt many things.

It's really tough being a human sometimes. There's just so many emotions, so many people you care about, so many relationships falling apart, so many coming together. It can be very overwhelming.

Do you miss it? Being human I mean? Do you have any desire to come back? Or would you rather just float in tranquility? Is that what it's really like to be dead?

I've cried a lot today. For some reason, it's just coming in waves. It's good to feel. You'd probably tell me to stop it, that nobody is worth it. It's true, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I hope God knows what he's doing.

The best thing I can think of to honor your memory is to work hard, and respect those around me. You worked harder than anyone I've ever known. You woke up very early every morning, and enjoyed life to the fullest. You never missed your grandkid's events. The people that mattered to you knew that they mattered. I wish I could master that, but I feel I'm still a little unsure how to love people or let them know.

I miss you. I hope you know that. I know it doesn't really matter once you're dead. I mean, that's probably not important once you're all knowing. There's probably no such thing as those kind of emotions out of the human world.

I'm sure you are everywhere and nowhere. I don't really quite understand this whole "in time" "out of time" stuff yet, although I'd like to. Look at the stars...look how they shine for you.

Flames to Dust, Lovers to Friends....

2008-05-25T11:55:00.002-05:00

Why do all good things come to an end? Those song lyrics resonated with me this whole weekend and played through my mind while I watched the campfire. I burned my old journal, I burned my Guys and Dolls T-shirt. All of it just fell away, leaving me with me. How beautiful. I feel amazing, just vibrating to life. Everything in it's place. Each lesson with me, in my heart forever. I feel so lucky, so grateful for each person, each experience.

It felt great to watch it all burn to ash. I had two marriage proposals this weekend...all in good fun of course. It was wonderful to talk to Lance, who was all the way in Florida, camping on the beach by the ocean. Miles apart, and we're still so connected. Parallel lives. So synched up, so in the moment, so in the flow. This summer is already brewing up to be the best summer of my life. So many fun events planned, and then to top it off, Janna will be here at the end of it. She's the most beautiful spirit I've ever met. It bring tears to my eyes to just think about her and how much I love her and miss her.

It's wonderful to have so much space to just allow. It was wonderful to meet new people who are right where I am. It was amazing to introduce them to reiki, and it was beautiful to watch transformation occur within their bodies and spirits. Just for one moment, they were able to experience quiet within themselves. To watch people open up their hearts and experience peace is what I love to witness. It's what I pray for everyone to experience, it's what I hold space for. It was nice to be reminded that I'm able to do this. It was wonderful to listen to my heart and not what somebody else tells me I am.

I'm so ready for something real. I'm so ready to meet somebody who flows with me effortlessly. I feel like I left the weight of the world in the woods. My whole system feels lighter. It's time for the next step on this journey. I'm so glad to have finally let go of so much. Eleven years of this pattern....now it's just ash, burning away all the illusions that I had imprisoned myself in. The dragonfly out in the sun knows what I mean.

Peonies

2008-05-21T22:50:00.002-05:00

Humans are like the beautiful peony flowers in their true form. When we stand in the center of ourselves, we open and bloom naturally and allow the light in. We are never stomped, pressured or restricted. That all comes from the inside.

Ants are attracted to peonies like crazy. You may find yourself staring at this gorgeous flower, and upon closer inspection, realize it is crawling with ants. Sometimes the ants get so deep into the flower's petals that you won't see them until the peony starts to open itself up and fully bloom.

The ego creates the ants of human life. When we are not present, when we bury emotions, experiences and pain into our bodies, it becomes like the ants in the peony.

Working through the forcefields you put up around yourself can sometimes seem like messy work. You hit a spot and all the ants scatter-seemingly making things worse. At that time, you can make a conscious choice to clear the ants away and heal or stuff them back down again. Or, you can just go numb and completely ignore the ants, attracting even more into your system.

Regardless of the decision, if the ants aren't cleared, they will just crawl back out again to consume the peony. It's a choice really. A little discomfort now for a healthier mind, body and spirit, or ignoring it now, and allowing it to consume you on all levels of your being.

Ants can come back, but when they do, at least by doing the work and recognizing the pattern, they clear away much faster.

When the ants are clear, the peony glows and blooms naturally. But even the most beautiful peonies can be covered in ants and they are still loved and appreciated just as they are.

Humorous Irony

2008-05-20T00:01:00.002-05:00

I cleaned out more tonight from my storage unit and I came across my college stuff. I found a commercial I had written for, get this, a MASSAGE STUDIO. Hilarious!!! Coincidence? I think not. I think my intuition was trying to tell me something back then, and now I already have a commercial written if I decide to advertise that way upon graduation.

I also came across my high school/early college journal. I'm not ready to quite go there yet, but really, nothing has changed. I've been dating the same person for 11 years. And I've been doing the same things, having the same reactions. At least now, in this life time, I can pin point it when this started, and gives me a much better understanding of when the wound initially started and went all wrong.

This one, I think I'm keeping to myself. I just think it's pretty ironic I found the journal today. It was dated May 20, 1997 as the first entry. Exactly 11 years ago.

Freeing the Power to Heal

2008-05-19T00:15:00.004-05:00

Written by a previous student at Tibia: it might help provoke a better understanding of CAPW and Tibia and what I do and write about. I believe in freeing the power to heal, and I do it for myself and in turn, provides the space to others.

Freeing the Power to Heal By Jennifer Kalafut

(How) can one person heal the world? Healing, says Michaela Torcaso, owner of Transformational Intuitive Bodywork in Action (TIBIA Massage School)and Creating A Peaceful World, can be defined as the process of reconnecting with one's wholeness. As such, healing concerns more than one's physical body; rather, it concerns one's whole being, including the emotional, spiritual, energetic, and mental realms. Michaela also emphasizes that healing is generated from within; while it might be supported by others, such as doctors, bodyworkers, psychologists, etc., it ultimately occurs when one takes responsibility for how he or she shows up in the world. Healing can look many ways.

Some Sundays ago, I was receiving an in-class massage at TIBIA. Immediately, I settled into a meditative calm, but as the massage continued, feelings of anxiety surfaced. Then, tears streamed to my hairline as, in my mind's eye, I witnessed and re-experienced a childhood trauma of which I haven't thought in years. Lying there, I thought the thoughts, felt the emotions, and cried the tears of the seven-year-old girl I once was. She was in a door-closed, lights-off room, listening to what sounded like a woman being hurt in an adjacent room. She felt anxious and voiceless, as though she wanted to run or scream for help. Yet, acting on either of these urges seemed unsafe to her. So, she sat on the floor and imagined horrid sights to match the horrid sounds that permeated through the wall. Paralyzed by the fear of being seen or heard, it seemed a matter of survival for my younger self to stay quiet and still. I arose from that massage a lighter person. With the support of the student practitioner and class facilitator, I was able to explore the situation simultaneously as child and adult. The grown-up part of me found help for that seemingly helpless seven year old, and I was able to make peace with all involved, including myself.

How did a massage induce such a powerful effect? Michaela explains, "When there's someone that's standing there with us…holding the space for us to remember our wholeness, we then have full access to heal." "Holding space," to put it simply, is a function of presence. When a bodyworker—or anyone, really—intentionally sets his or her ego aside and opens to the full experience of this moment, a safe space for others to open themselves to the fullness of their own experience is generated. Healing can then occur because experiencing a past trauma again, in a safe space, releases its hold on the present moment. The more one heals the past, the fewer limitations and restrictions that exist in present.

The more I heal myself and overcome my self-imposed limitations, the more presently I can attend to each moment as it occurs; and, the more I can show up wholly in the present, the more that space of wholeness extends out and invites others to heal. Overcoming my fear of being seen or heard, for example, allows me to write this article, which I hope serves as an invitation for you, dear reader, to explore your limitations and heal to your wholeness.

Michaela's vision is to create a peaceful world; she believes that as more people live fulfilled, easeful lives, even more people will be exposed to the possibility that their lives, too, can be fulfilled and rid of dis-ease. For her, ultimately, freeing the power to heal oneself gives access to freeing the power to heal the world. bodyworker—or anyone, really—intentionally sets his or her ego aside and opens to the full experience of this moment, a safe space for others to open themselves to the fullness of their own experience is generated. Healing can then occur because experiencing a past trauma again, in a safe space, releases its hold on the present moment. The more one heals the past, the fewer limitations and restrictions that exist in present.

www.capw.org

Choking On My Own Inadequacy

2008-05-16T22:44:00.002-05:00

I can tell graduation is coming up in three months. I've had such extreme joy and sorrow in this past week, and now I sit here choking on my own inadequacy.

It's my own story of course, nobody's but mine. Nothing in particular really triggered it. I was driving home, and it was like an overwhelming emotional tidal wave took over and brought this up. It's probably my biggest pattern, always resurfacing.

Sometimes I feel like all this introspection is such a joke. I mean, I like the bullshit as much as the rest of them. I'd probably live a somewhat content life just being totally on the surface and joking around and being light hearted. In fact, that would be incredible. I have lots of moments like that, and it's great. But then this crap surfaces. It's hard not to judge myself, but why can't I just get over it? I know it needs attention, and I'm giving it attention. It's so uncomfortable as I practice tonglen and breathe in and out.

I was meeting with my favorite professor tonight and I know she cares about me so much and see so much in me. I think the world of her, I think she's wonderful. It makes me feel inadequate to be around her, not deserving of her time. It's so ridiculous. This pattern holds me back from so much.

I've been fighting feelings for a friend for awhile now. I'm not even sure what they are, if they are real or not. It feels unfair to say anything to him until I'm certain. It has been making me so uncomfortable, the more amazing and beautiful he tells me I am. I know he loves me for who I am, but it's triggering every inadequacy I have. It's really hard to deal with it. I find myself pushing him away and not wanting to be around him. How fucked up is that?

Going through all my stuff in my storage unit brought back so much. I re-read letters from years ago. Some friend friends who have since died, some from friends who have moved on, some from lovers where it didn't work out. Each letter either told me I was the best friend they've ever had or been the most in love with. And re-reading and remembering this, I didn't feel that way about myself. I've always known who I've wanted to be, I don't get why it's taking so long.

I'm pretty happy for most of life. I really am. I thought about all the relationships in my life, past and present and what I want the future ones to be like. I found it so interesting how with certain people, there have never been a conflict. Like with two of my gay friends. When I became friends with them, they weren't out of the closet yet, but we've always had this deep, beautiful and fun loving relationship, where there is never conflict. Then I think of other friendships and relationships and saw how these people brought out the very best and the very worst in me, whether they knew it or not. Those have been the more difficult relationships, but also the most rewarding. I'm still friends with most of those people today.

I'm thankful for the energetic support of Tibia. I can't imagine doing this work 100% on my own without support.

So here I am, still choking, but breathing. I hate that because of this prison my mind has put myself in, it's keeping me from so much. Keeping me from letting an amazing man love me, from being fully expressed, and from doing the things I really want to do. I've never really spoken or written of this before because it's been so buried. But I've done a ton of work peeling off the layers this year. So much work. So much hard, hard, painful, honest time with myself. It's been so worth it.

I want to put this out there, because it's ready to clear. It's so ready to clear. I know by utilizing this space, it will energetically support this clearing in my system. I'm so glad I understand how this metaphysical stuff works. That's one thing that's pretty cool.

I seriously have to wonder sometimes when you are honest enough with yourself to do this kind of work, how you date. I mean really. It's going to take somebody really really special to understand and support this. The guy that does will be the one that will win my heart. It's not like it's like this all the time, in fact it's not often at all. But when it comes up, it's shooker. Hmmm.... so much swimming around in my head right now. A moment of peace is what I crave.

Life List

2008-05-12T13:28:00.002-05:00

I've realized it takes me approximately six days to be so entirely fed up with being lame. What is one to do when walking is not an option? Lay around and make life lists, duh. It doesn't really seem all that profoundly amazing to me, but I guess I've realized I'm not really a profoundly amazing type of girls that needs all these things. Here are the things I've decided I want to make sure to do before this lifetime is over...in no particular order other than how they popped into my brain:

1. Swim with dolphins
2. Live by the ocean
3. Hold a baby tiger
4. Visit or work in Africa
5. Watch the baby sea turtles hatch and find the ocean
6. Create a successful business called Dragonfly Wellness
7. Be a part of integration of Eastern and Western Medicine
8. Be published in a medical journal
9. Receive my doctorate's degree in Oriental Medicine/Naturopathic Health
10. Practice meditation daily
11. Live in Europe for at least three months: write lots of poetry, drink lots of coffee, wear black and be mysterious.
12. Visit somewhere tropical with a man I'm in love with
13. See a tornado
14. Make friends with all my demons
15. Own the Gilmore Girls entire series on DVD
16. Be in a relationship that supports my dreams and his dreams.
17. Write a song
18. See Rent on Broadway (don't think I'm gonna make that one, unless it comes back again)
19. Be a role model to a child
20. Be a mother
21. Have an organic garden
22. Find a way to exercise that I enjoy and actually do it
23. Wear a sexy black dress and stilettos and sing on top of a piano
24. Pay it forward to at least one person for what Michaela has done for me
25. Be there for a loved once when they transition from this world to the next
26. Create a piece of art that I enjoy
27. Parasail
28. Backpack through Europe with Britters for her high school graduation
29. Fall in love and not worry about every next step and just enjoy being with him
30. Lear to dance where the guy does all these amazing lifts
31. Keep Niki's story alive until my last breath
32. Live in a home with a big white wrap around porch
33. Recognize the magnificence in all things
34. Horseback ride on the beach
35. Read all the Harry Potter Books to curiously magical children
36. Have beautiful skin
37. Be a full time vegetarian, not a flexible one
38. Make a difference in someone's life that I don't even know
39. Have a HUGE flower garden
40. Learn to cook Indian food
41. Be fully expressed
42. See the Northern Lights
43. Use intuitive gifts to bring peace to grieving families
44. Save a starving child
45. Adopt a pet from the animal shelter
46. Sleep under the stars with a man I'm in love with
47. Hot air balloon ride
48. Love everyone who comes into my life deeply and if the leave, let them go easily
49. Run up the stairs from the Rocky movies
50. Rent a big RV and go a road trip with friends for a few weeks
51. Spend part of my life as a photographer for weddings, capturing the love and joy for people
52. Play Eva Perone in Evita
53. Learn another language
54. Create a difference for every client on the table
55. Support others that are willing to do the work for transformation
56. Do my best everyday to stand for Love and Peace in the world
57. Help see Project Peace into fruition with CAPW and travel with them, holding space for those in need
58. Have a myofascial intensive
59. Go on a spiritual retreat
60. Wear a lei of fresh orchids
61. Host a murder mystery party
62. Learn to play guitar well
63. Be in a relationship with a man who will try or at least accept the weird things I do, like blowing up Easter peeps in the microwave before eating them and taking off for an afternoon with no destination in particular and stopping wherever the day takes you
64. Be in a relationship with a man who enjoys the simple things and can be creative, romantic and sees the good in people
65. See Mariah Carey in concert
66. Have my nose pierced again
67. Assist others with finding peace within themselves
68. Enjoy wine and cheese in a Paris outdoor cafe
69. Visit the place where the St. Valentine's day massacre happened
70. Visit a place that has one of those amazing spacious rooms with a huge white canopy bed, like you see on the travel channel with a man I'm in love with
71. Save someone's life
72. Build a home
73. Successfully complete one round of dance dance revolution
74. Actually find the man that I'm going to fall in love with (and he'll fall in love with me too! small, important detail)
75. Have an amazing fancy dinner party

A lesson in love

2008-05-10T18:33:00.000-05:00

Today was an interesting day for me. For those of you who don't know, I'm in school for massage therapy and have class every weekend. I go to a school that stands for personal transformation. I usually don't write these types of blogs on facebook, but it seems I'm supposed to share this.

I had surgery earlier this week and both of my feet are broken. I use crutches to balance and get around and can only put weight on the heels of my feet.

My classmate and I were at Copp's getting a salad bar for lunch. I was trying to balance myself, my crutches, and make my salad. This guy in his probably mid forties comes up behind me. He announces to me, "You might want to pull your pants up because your underwear in showing...have some class." He walked away.

I stood there in shock...clearly, can he not see that I'm trying the best I can and wasn't aware that my pants had slipped down? My friend shouted after him, "Both of her feet are broken, what the hell?"

It bothered me and stirred me up. It reminded me of younger years in school when you are bullied and you just sit there and take it, because that's better than to keep being made fun of. The minute you stand up for yourself, the harder they tease you. It kills something in your soul, it makes you feel unworthy, unloved and useless....like you don't belong. I couldn't believe I was getting bullied by some 40 year old dumb ass at the grocery store and it was actually BOTHERING me. Stir it up, it all occurs for a greater reason....

Today was energetic alignment in school. Our teacher is intuitive and tracks the energy in the class. Most people don't understand this, and I'm ok with that. It's important and real, and everyone can see or feel it if they just look. Most people are too afraid or really just that clueless.

I was working a tandem massage today. When we were working on my first classmate, I got really emotional for no particular reason. It was just there. I felt like my heart was breaking, in a good way. I just felt all this LOVE. Energetically it felt like walls were coming down that I had put up through the years. I cried the tears because they were there, even if I didn't know why.

We switched and worked on my other classmate, the same one I went to lunch with. The instructor came over and did energy work on me while I was working on my friend. All I could feel was all this love for her. It was deeper than the surface. It was like, I have a love for his group of people because we all have this agreement together, or this soul contract, or something.

It felt so good to have a friend that would stick up for me in front of this jerk at the grocery store and just be such a great support. I'm not very mobile, so I basically did energy work on her while my classmate did massage on her. It was really beautiful. I just cried, because it was human compassion and human love. All those things that we block ourselves from because it has hurt us before, or scared us, we close our hearts to each other and ourselves.

It was my turn and when my classmate was doing energy work on my broken feet and not even touching them, they hurt so badly. Physically. Then it changed into a feeling of my feet being put back together again. Both physically and energetically. It felt like my legs were shattering and being put back together. It was amazing. The instructor came over to me and whispered, "It's like it had to be this way. Your feet. They are mirroring something in you. They had to be broken to be put back together." It's like I had to break myself to reorganize. To create something new.

And that's how we are.... Isn't it? We all are broken at some point in our lives, but somewhere along the line, we decide to be put back together. And it can show up in the most unusual ways. I really believe every person, every event and relationship comes into our lives to show us something in ourselves. Sometimes we don't like what we see. Sometimes we become people we don't like or recognize. Sometimes we have to get so far away from ourselves to make that realization.

Doing this kind of work is not easy, in fact it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

I had a lesson in love today. The love between friends. No matter how much we allow ourselves to build up these walls, run away from what scares us, and seclude ourselves in pain and then deny it, we are all one. I have a new found compassion today. Even for the jerk in the grocery store.

You might not know it, but you might be someone's reason for living. You make a difference, and you may not even know how, but you do. Choose what you say carefully, because you sometimes won't know the effect of your words.

Most importantly, love who comes into your life, they are there for a reason. To wake you up, to show you something you were missing. Sometimes it's for a life time. What we judge as good and bad, it's all part of something greater.

It reminds me of one of my favorite movies, "Love Actually....."

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion love actually is all around."~Love Actually

It's taken me a long time to get to this place. It's about time. By the way, I can walk without my crutches pretty easily now.

Love actually is all around....

Bubbling Up

2008-04-28T20:51:00.002-05:00

I'm really starting to get sick of the nightmares...two more today during my nap. After an intense reiki session last night, I'm getting closer to my "attacker." This time, I was about to go to sleep in my dream. I laid down on the side of the bed that I normally don't lay on. I was on my side, facing my door, and I saw that something was tossing and turning next to me under the covers. I was scared, but I decided to push it off the bed. As I went into push it, this huge force wooshed back at me and I felt myself being pushed back almost like a blast or something. I woke up, with a huge breath, sitting up in bed.

The second one involved my ex boyfriend wanting to be with me again. I was with my roommate at some random bar in the combination or Madison-Whitewater land. I had a dream about this place one year ago. We went outside, there was my ex, hugging me, not letting go. I told him to get off of me because it was really uncomfortable. He kept clinging and then this insane guy came up and started screaming at Sarah, but she just kept walking ahead. We were taken to this "shady" home with all these "shady characters." There was small stage with jail bars across it. The cops came and took this insane guy up to the stage where there was a small DJ booth. He sat on stage right, then the dj booth center stage, and the cop stage left. The insane guy kept screaming and screaming these things at her. There were all these shady people walking around...a prostitute, g-funk drug addict guy, etc. The cops didn't really do anything...then I woke up.

I'm scared to go back to sleep lately. I think it's interesting that I'm getting closer to whatever it is that is "eating me up inside." This fear. Physically closer in each dream, now I'm able to touch it after the reiki session. During the reiki session I had intense past life and this life memories come up that I obviously wasn't aware of and also had buried because it was so painful. I remember him carrying my broken body in the past life. I remember what someone else did to me during this life, that I had long buried in my subconscious. Painful, awful and nasty stuff that had been sitting in my body.

I'm glad it's bubbling up. If it didn't, it would always sit there keeping me blocked in my patterns. We are starting to study Jin Shin Do in school. I love it. I love Taoism and the concepts of Chinese Medicine far more that I thought I would. Qi Gong has been interesting because through instruction, I have found that my Qi is really out of whack. I have too much yang, too much heat...and it also manifests in these hot, intesense, feverish flashes that my doctor was concerned about. It's hard to differentiate what is physical, what is emotional...not that it really matters...it's all one in the same.

My feelings are bubbling up. It's so unreal to me that I'm even having these feelings. I've been friends with this person since high school, and I'm just NOW realizing it's more than that? Seriously? I wonder if they are real and really about him, or they are just about my desire to have someone really "get me." He's the closest I have to that right now. Perhaps that's it. I just wonder, as humans, how much we push below the surface, in order not to see? Perhaps the things we think that are so important...that person, that job, that "thing," that whatever it is, is really just covering up what needs to be dealt with below. Does it ever stop?

I'm clear now about what this lifetime is for me. I've wanted that answer for so long and I got it in the reiki session. Well, at least I got the answer of why I do the things I do, and the patterns that have run my life. I just hope the doctors find something from these tests and the nightmares stop. I know they won't, until this stuff is cleared through. I wonder if all this pain and suffering will be worth it, in the end?

Dreams to Dream, In the Dark of the Night

2008-04-25T12:39:00.002-05:00

Last night I had a dream. I found myself in a desert called, "Cyberland." Ok, just kidding.

Last night I had a dream. I was all alone in the old home that we lived in on Orchard Dr in Oregon. My grandparents lived on the same street as my family did, at the end of the road. I was in bed, and my intution told me to deadbolt the door. I walked to the front door and as I locked it, the lock turned the other way: somebody was breaking in.

I held my breath and let the door swing open, hoping they wouldn't close it and I could hide behind the door. The robbers ran down the hallway where I would have been sleeping. I slipped out the front door and ran barefoot all the way to my grandparent's house where my whole family was staying. It was the middle of the night, but my dad was still up. I kept ringing the doorbell over and over. He answered the door and calmed me down and we called 911 and then I woke up, drenched in sweat, and scared.

I just want all this stuff to pass quickly. This year has been something else.

My Vacation...From Stacy's view

2008-04-22T17:30:00.002-05:00

I'm too lazy and sick right now to write my own blog...so I just copied and pasted Stacy's:

it's been a while since i've written a dbq, so here goes...this is my second day back to work after a whirlwind tour of northern california with j. we took our "annual" vacation to visit maryanne, only she moved from warm sunny west palm beach to warm sunny sometimes rocklin, california. i'm up for any adventure involving vacation and my friends though! i needed vacation. i hate my job so any excuse to get away, mentally or physically, is GREAT! and i love planning. so plan i did for this little weekend.

wednesday morning we left for our getaway. matt and lauren took j and i to the airport...lol, j and i were trying to manifest some first class tickets, but the second we saw the crabby "i hate my job" guy at the desk, we didn't even ask...we knew better! oh well, who needs first class for a 4.5 hour flight from chicago to sacramento?! our first flight was pretty uneventful, minus the wind delays in chicago, but it was only 15 minutes. that's nothing in o'hare time! we had lunch at chilis in the airport, complete with chicken for my glutten free vegetarian friend jessica. oh did she struggle to find stuff to eat, she even had to resort to chicken! POOOR jessica. anywho. so we looked and looked for justin (timberlake) or patrick (dempsey) but we couldn't find them for the life of us. we decided to make it a goal of ours to find these two hot men. we even got some pepsi to lure justin to us. more on that to follow.

we got to sacramento uneventfully...minus the bathroom trip on the airplane. we were in the last row (we think these are skinnier than the other rows, avoid if possible) and both had to use the bathroom. so the guy on the aisle moved so we could get out. ok, no problem. then on the way back into our seats, i stepped onto j's seat since the floor was covered with all of our carry-on stuff, an d the floatation device seat slipped off...then i did the same to my own seat! ahhh...drama. my fav. so we fixed our seats and that was the end of that. maryanne met us at the airport and we put the top down on the convertible...for about 2 minutes! then it was too windy for j in the back seat so we put the top back up. it was so nice outside. we went to eat garlic bread hamburgers (and baked potato for veggie girl) and then we went to the awesome yogurt shop where you make your own mixture...fun! I didn't get much yogurt though...because maryanne had ordered a snickers cake she had been eyeing up for us for about, oh six months! it was delish.

we headed out to their complex hot tub and it was the best. seriously. it was like all the stress just melted away. i love hot tubs. thursday was lake tahoe day. i had an agenda and a schedule to help us do everything we wanted to do, minus snack time...j needs lots of snacks! maryanne sent us off with a great breakfast and prenatal vitamins for everyone. oh, did i mention jack the jack russell terrier fell in love with j, who hates him? good times. so we headed off towards truckee california and the dragonfly restaurant. you could see the mountains in the horizon and it wasn't too scary driving, and then we stopped for a justin calling with some pepsi. he didn't answer, but i thought maybe he was in europe or something, so we tried to be patient. we stopped at a beautiful lookout point along the way and the view was breathtaking. i love the mountains. it was so peaceful. seriously wonderful. truckee and the dragonfly restaurant were so comfortable, like an old friend. i found my sister the perfect present and then we were off to squaw valley...mission...to visit the 'life is good' store there.

squaw valley was the host to th e 1960's olympics and it too was beautiful. the mountains were SO steep and the skiers must be crazy! i would be so scared. but i imagine they feel so in tune with nature and themselves. so...the life is good store was CLOSED! can you believe it? it's like it was meant to be and then SLAM...just kidding. closed the day before and the day of our visit. that was the saddest moment of the trip. literally. we did a little retail therapy to cheer ourselves up. then, the schedule called for 'the most beautiful drive in america'...along the eastern side of lake tahoe...and j needed another snack. it was amazing. the view and experience, not the snack! amazing seems like an understatement, but i can't even find words to describe the beauty of the mountains and this pure lake and the trees. it was like the best day up north and adding the mountains and pureness. we got to south lake tahoe and heavenly village just on time to ride the gondola ride 9300 feet up the mountainside for a truly fantastic view. scary shoooker, that ride was! the gondola was swaying in the wind, just swaying in the wind...what a scary feeling to be swaying in the wind...singing this song and calling justin with our pepsi didn't detract us from our fear! all in all, it was worth the fear and the $28 for that 12 minute ride up the mountain...and then longer on the way back down!

we stopped at the lakeside for some fun times writing messages to our loved ones in the sand, tested the water (freezing) and let the paparazzi follow us around. there was snow on the beach...isn't that weird jess?! then...it was time for emerald bay, the seventh most photographed place. we drove up the western side of lake tahoe to get there. SCARY! the roads are skinny and just carved in the mountain...no guardrails, no nothing to keep you from falling off t he road. and the curves were intense...10 mph 169 degree curves. then we saw a sign for 2 miles to vista point. ok, i can handle this, i thought to myself. i was so focused on my driving, i didn't notice we passed it until after we passed an "avalanche risk ahead, no stopping, peds, parking." great. i turned the corner and there was just a massive wall of granite staring back at me. super intense. never before have i felt so intense! i made it about 1.5 miles down this crazy stretch of mario kart rainbow world style driving. you know the one i'm talking about, where the little cloud man has to pick you up and return you to the road because you fell off? yeah. so i turned around in this little cove and that's when j told me she thought she saw the vista point before we got onto the crazy avalanche road! ahhh...turns out we could have avoided the whole thing. but then what would i have lea rned?! we had some dinner at chevy's fresh mex and then it was dark, just in time for the 2 hour drive back to rocklin. over echo summit. fabulous. so we head home...down, down, down the mountain. i can't even count the number of vehicles i pulled over to let pass me. it was scary. then we were on low gas. did you know it's a bad idea to drive down a mountain with less than 1/4 tank of gas? it is. i was freaking out, on the inside anyway...but then we got to silver fork gas station with bars on it and chains for just $39.95, so we got some gas for a bargain price of...$3.95/gallon. not too bad...gas was only $3.74 in rocklin. so we descended our 7300 feet down echo summit and yay! we survived the mountain roads!

friday we went to look for some life is good paraphenalia in some random sporting goods stores. j found a water bottle. exciting, i know. all that excitement...for a water bottle?! we went to the roseville mall (saw the brighton store, the brand of purse i won!) and patrick dempsey! well...it was an advertisement, but lifesize, so i got my picture taken with him and he is hot, i know. i had the best lunch ever...pesto pasta and a grilled chicken ceasar panini...the best. and the guy at the counter liked my coach purse. good thing i brought my real one. :) then we laid out and got tan for a while...i jumped into the freezing water for paparazzi's sake and some kids jumped the fence to smoke by the pool. hoodlums i tell you. we met maryanne at her school to check it out, they had outdoor hallways, that was pretty cool. then we went to old sacramento, had some seafood (well, not preggo maryanne) and got ready for san francisco on saturday.

we had another fabulous cheesy egg breakfast...and we drove through the hills for a couple of hours. isn't it weird how the animals are hanging out on the hills?! we went over the golden gate bridge and went to fort point...a GREAT place for pictures! yay! then we took a wrong turn...and went over the golden gate bridge...and then over it again! don't forget that's $5 each time you enter the city through the golden gate bridge! it was so windy and cold! we went to the crookedest street at lombard and something...leavenworth maybe? maryanne was such a good sport to drive us down it. Then we parked! we went to bubba gumps shrimp for lunch. expensive.

then we went to pier 39 to see the sea lions hanging out and stinking up the place. we saw tommy lee promoting lightbulbs and just generally being "green" for earth day. i'm crazy so i made us a path right behind him during an interview...maybe we'll be on tv. maybe not! we got some matching pink fleeces and alactraz swim team knit hats. yes, it was THAT cold! we hung out for a while, then went to the pier for our tickets. oh..lol. did i forget to mention that we bought our tickets ahead of time? and you could either print them or get them at the window. well, i printed mine and maryanne's and j said she'd pick hers up at the window. i forgot our tickets! lol. and i gave her such a hard time about responsibility and she should have printed the ticket. i didn't live that one down!

alacatraz was pretty cool. the cells were so small. there is so much history there. i can imagine the prisoners pretty much hated it. the rules were so strict too. there really wasn't much shooooking either, unless you could me shoooking the people away from the no drinking sign when j was trying to call justin with her pepsi. he really is stubborn. so we decided to nix the cable car ride; a, because it was getting late, and b, it was freaking cold and w indy! so i got dropped off at ghiradelli square to pick up some presents and that was the end of our san francisco experience. we stopped to eat dinner on the way back to maryannes, packed and the end, it was 4am and time to go to the airport for home already!

talk about whirlwind vacations. maryanne was such a sport for being 34 weeks preggo. i can't imagine. and jack is probably in withdrawal from j. but at the end of the day, i'm happy we got to spend some time with maryanne, and i hope this annual trip carries on for a while. who knows where we'll end up next? maybe oregon to visit j at school. maybe back to northern cali...there's still some stuff left to do there! i just love vacation. i like having something to look forward to and plan on. and j lets me do all my planning and loves it too! i missed my little family though. i'm basically in the same spot in life as i was a year ag o, only i'm planning all of these life changes, like moving my life, you know, no biggie. j...well, she's not in the same spot and i'm glad for her, so much growing for her in one year! it's nice that no matter what is going on in our lives and what we are experiencing, we can still share this.

Shooker Sunday

2008-04-14T15:01:00.002-05:00

This past weekend we had a workshop on myofascial trigger point release. It reignited my passion for myofascial release and educated me about what a trigger point is and what it is not. The instructor is one of the most highly trained myofascial therapists in Wisconsin and California. She is wonderful-so helpful, compassionate, smart and well educated.

The weekend started with learning and reviewing myofascial techniques to loosen and remove restrictions and adhesions in the connective tissue. This can be life-altering for people as their body gets out of its "straight jacket" and finds freedom. It's incredible what kinds of damage and problems this can cause, both physically and emotionally.

I've always believed in a physical/emotional connection in the human body, but I haven't experienced it as intensely as I did this weekend. I had two unwindings: this is what happens when the subconscious takes over all allows the tissue to go back to previous memory to heal. Everyone truly has the power to heal themselves, sometimes it just takes a compassionate therapist who can hold the space to allow it.

In the past, I haven't felt comfortable enough to release emotions when they come up on the table. There have been a few times when I really trusted the person I was with, but it's difficult to be vulnerable and to let it out, but that's only how true healing occurs. It's up to the client to allow it, it can never be forced, but it can be guided. As we revisited myofascial, I've realized all the things that I was doing wrong in the past, and now I am much more clear in making sure I hold each barrier for 3-5 minutes or longer for a true release. I'm so happy we had this weekend, it came at the perfect time to inspire me in this work.

The second unwinding was very powerful for me, and proved to me this whole "physical/emotional" connection. My classmate was working on a cross hand release on my traps and this is an area that has always been extremely tender on my body. She was doing some deep trigger point work and asking me how I felt. I told her I felt nothing, like it was almost numb. She kept checking in with me, because she was so deep into the tissue, but I barely felt a thing. She said it was so hot and that she was sweating. I still felt nothing as the energy that had been stored in there for so long was releasing.

The instructor came over for some coaching. She asked how I felt. I told her it felt numb. She then asked me the money question, "How does it feel for you to be so disconnected from this area of your body that you feel numb?" I allowed myself to move my awareness to that part of my body. Immediately my stomach starting shooking, just spasming and curling inward. The instructor put her hand underneath me, to the exact spot I've been having abdominal pain in the past few weeks. My body just took over and I curled my legs underneath me and my hands went out and I felt all this energy surging and releasing through my system and the sobs just came out. I had no control. I didn't know what it was about, I didn't need to know. Somewhere in time, my body froze in that position. It could have been physical or emotional or who knows, a past life, but my body remembered the trauma. As I thawed, I felt myself become lighter and freer and my body didn't feel so heavy.

I found in incredibly fascinating that she put her had in that spot on my abdomen. To me, that pain for the past few weeks was showing up for a reason, it was ready. I wasn't ready before, this weekend was the perfect timing to let that out and let it go. We didn't have time for a complete release, so the instructor advised me to do unwinding at home on my own. I was in the bathtub and my stomach started doing that lurching action again. After my bath, I laid on my bed and had the same reaction, I found myself curled into a fetal position, with my arms and head wanting to move in different positions. I fell asleep, had an intense dream and woke up two hours later. I was exhausted. Today I feel better, my traps hurt a lot and I know it's because the fascia is bound up on my pecs, pulling it backwards. I need to work on that for myself, loosening myself out of my straight jacket a bit more.

The body will subconsciously "protect" itself and it's holding patterns. It takes patience, compassion and love for one's self to let those brakes come off and heal yourself.
Isn't the human body amazing? I just find myself becoming more and more passionate about it as I do this work, for myself and when others are on my table. It is truly healing in it's purest form. We all have the power to heal ourselves. It's the most beautiful thing in the world.

Today was a good day!

2008-04-11T22:00:00.002-05:00

Hooray for feeling better. After months of feeling so out of it, (and probably longer if I think about it) I'm feeling more energized and "with it."

We have myofasical release and myofascial trigger point all weekend. I'm so excited about it. It's my favorite part of massage and I've been looking forward to learning about hands on trigger point therapy since we started school.

I learned a fun fact today about my protracted scapulas. It appears they are being caused by a weak serratus anterior. Time for wall push ups!

It's a big time of change, change for the better. Everyone is just doing their "thing." That's how it should be. Good stuff.

Stop. Drop. And Roll?

2008-04-10T15:05:00.002-05:00

I've come to a standstill in the battle against myself. Well, my ego self really. I'm sick. I'm really sick, and it's forcing me to slowwww wayyyyy down. I'm not a slow it down girl. I'm a go go go get em tiger growlll girl. With all this going on in my body, I can't help but wonder, did I cause this?

It's so interesting what stress can do to your body. It manifests itself in so many different ways. I haven't felt "myself" in so long, but really, that's probably a good thing. That means things are shifting, things are evolving and changing.

Life keeps surprising me. It seems that each situation we find ourselves in, it's giving us exactly what we need: an opportunity. It's an opportunity to really learn and grow and heal...get past those patterns we always do. I could move across the country, and I'd still have the same issues...they will follow you until you heal from them:physically, mentally, and emotionally. I find myself in these same patterns, just change the name of the players. It's quite ridiculous. This time, my body is FORCING me to slow it down. I have no choice. I'm so very tired. It's depressing, it hurts and my god does it give me perspective. I don't get the opportunity this time to busy myself to keep myself from dealing with me and what keeps surfacing. Nope, the body says no...I wonder, if I caused it. I know I have to go into the fire to release the pain. It's really not that bad, in fact I keep learning new things about me that I forgot about. It's pretty magical, but it has its setbacks.

Here's to nature's way of manifesting what I needed to do about ten years ago. Be still.

Maybe

2008-04-04T22:06:00.003-05:00

Maybe sometimes the lesson is that we need to get so far removed from the core of who we are to really know where to go and when to stop pushing ourselves.

I just never thought my first ultrasound would be with no baby inside of me.

Is my job killing me?

2008-04-02T22:53:00.002-05:00

I've been wondering this thought for the past week. I've been having some interesting health issues for about three weeks now, and finally after some coaxing for a friend, I'm going to the doctor. The catch is-I can't go until next Friday because my job won't let me. "Too much time out of the office" is what they tell us, as if customer's not knowing how to roast a turkey is more important.

I have to make all my appointments before work, which is pretty hard to do when you work at 8:30 am. I probably roll my eyes about 200 times a day and whisper to myself "I just can't fucking do this anymore," at least that many as well. When I'm out the door, I'm great. I'm happy, social, and free.

I know I'm already more than halfway done with school, which is so exciting, but can I really do this for five more months? Do I really hate myself this much to subject myself to this everyday? Am I really doing a disservice to myself and society because this is not what I'm meant to do or talented at? Am I really that financially stuck by deciding to grow up too fast when I was 23 and bought property? The answer must be yes, because I'm still there, hating it.

My nervous system is shot. When you are on edge and miserable for that long of a time, with little exercise all day, it puts your system physically and energetically into a new state. My sympathetic nervous system is on overdrive so much that I can't even digest anything properly anymore. I'm chronically fatigued because I wear myself out to exhaustion. Why? I have no idea.

It's pretty disturbing that you hope you have to have surgery and you are really sick as to not have to go back to work for awhile. I need out. How am I going to do this? There has to be a way for me to survive and make as much money somewhere else or get this condo sold in a dead market without losing $20,000. MAN! Lorelai Gilmore could get herself out of this situation. There has to be hope.

My job is slowly killing me. I've watched myself go from a fun loving, energetic, smarty, witty and sarcastic gal a year ago to someone I don't recognize from 8:30-5 and sometimes even before and after that because of the state I'm in. I've still got the sarcasm, but it's turned from funny to harsh. What is the world is going on? Why in the world do I want this for myself? What is keeping me from something else? That's where I must look, and that's usually the most painful.

Those who don't go within, go without. I'm very tired of going without my soul. I kinda need it back please.

Jess's Magical Bookshelf

2008-03-27T10:13:00.000-05:00

I’m addicted to bookstores. It’s probably a really unhealthy addiction because I buy a lot of books and never read them. They look really good, but then I just don’t find the time to sit down with them. However, I have made a magical discovery.

I have all these awesome books, and I know exactly when I need to pick it up and read it. The synchronicity is profoundly amazing. (hahahaha…why is that still so funny?)

The magical bookshelf works for others too. My roommate has found the perfect inspirations that she needed at that exact moment. I like having magical furniture in my condo.

Last night I was browsing through my choices and this book was shouting “READ ME!! READ MEEEE!” It’s called Spirit Centered Relationships by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. It’s blowing my mind, because it’s all about being present in the moment with your feelings and how people do so many things to keep themselves busy so that they don’t have to feel anything. I have done this for so long, and I’m finally at the point where I can really be present with what I am feeling and not be judge or try to fix it. It’s so amazing what you can find inside of yourself if you are willing and ready to look.

The book is about being centered in yourself and how to create that in a relationship. Good stuff. That’s exactly what I will find.

In my Inbox today

2008-03-26T09:20:00.001-05:00

When you are impatient, you are trying to take control. Controlling is not the same as leading. Leaders lead by inspiration. Bossing people is like changing an artist's painting. It is like going to the museum with a brush and paint box and changing a painting that you would prefer to be another way. You want to make it different from it is. You want to change the artist's perception to your own. Paint your own paintings. Make them the way you want. You may find that you too fall short of your vision. Why is it so important that things be the way you like?

When you are impatient, you take too much upon yourself. When you try to control, you try to take over. When you try to control, you are showing your displeasure. Reap pleasure instead.
Learn acceptance, beloveds. That does not mean to be passive. It just means not to try to rule. Well, rule yourself, beloveds, if you must, but not others.
You are not in charge of the universe. Certainly you influence it. The universe is a product of your thought, yet, still, you are not to foster impatience with it. When you play in the orchestra, you play in the orchestra. You do not get up, shove the conductor out of the way, and wave the baton. You wouldn't do that. That would be too impertinent, and yet you would whip the universe and your environs into shape. You would censor the words from your friends' mouths. You would supervise everything within reach. Who appointed you supervisor of the world?
Do not even supervise yourself, beloveds, for then you are your own pain in the neck. Supervising, second-guessing, and all those other faultfinding habits are not the same as living life. Living life is spontaneous. Faultfinding comes from long practice. Will you now live life as a novice? You really are not an expert in life. No one is. You agree that no one knows everything. Why do you sometimes think you do? Who appointed you? Who told you to mind everyone else's business? Who proclaimed you the expert in even one thing let alone everything?
Try taking a back seat. You are not the driver of every car. Let's face it, beloveds, you are a passenger in life. Sometimes you may be the driver of the bus. Most of the time, you just go along for the ride. This is the ride of your life that you are on. You do not take the food off someone else's plate. You do not hand-feed anyone. Everyone has to be left to his or her own devices. Hands off your self-elected directorship. Hands off interference. That's what control is - interference. It is not for you to interfere in anyone's life. You may think you are taking responsibility, yet your responsibility is to let go. Beloveds, you cannot have your finger in every pie.

When you are impatient, when you feel you have to take over, take a deep breath instead. Tension makes you haughty. Let go of your tension, and you will be more amenable to life.
Seek simplicity rather than control. Seek ease rather than impatience. Choose the servants who best serve you. Send control and impatience out the door. They have been great restraints on you. They have blocked your path. You got caught up in them, and so you tripped yourself.
You don't need control, and you don't have it. Let's be realistic, dear ones. You have thought you were a very practical person, and yet a need to control and its accompanying impatience are quite impractical. They haven't worked yet, have they?

In the Flow

2008-03-24T20:25:00.003-05:00

As the ever mounting pressure that I create for myself shattered, I realized that I am finally in the flow. I feel free, I feel alive and I feel peace.

Sometimes I create these extreme situations for myself, such as committing all my free time to a musical when I have work and school. I physically and emotionally wore myself out. It wasn't worth it at all. I realized what my limits were and I know now what I can and cannot do.

Lately, life has really just been flowing and events have been very serendipitous. I don't feel like I'm fighting against myself not to feel, or fighting against what the Universe wants for me.

As I was studying for my Anatomy final this Friday, I had a moment of awe. I felt connected and at peace, thinking to myself that this is what I'm meant to do. I love learning and humanism and the Consciousness and everything about the body and soul. I have a natural gift and brain for this work and putting pieces of the puzzle together. It just works. One belief could never cover it all. I'm not struggling, I'm not emotionally distraught, it just is. It's so awesome.

I'm buzzing with peace and love and enjoyment for life. It is so great to be in this space. I know that with good comes bad, but I've realized I'm very capable of just feeling and allowing, and those spaces of distraught evaporate very quickly when you are centered and allowing and surrendering. It's good stuff.

Dixie Der Der's Advice for the Heart (when it hurts on the inside part of it )

2008-03-20T15:00:00.004-05:00

1. Music. Music heals the soul. Sing it, play it, dance to it. It'll help to clear the illusion of what you think hurts so much (what you focus on to not deal with yourself) and gets you to the core issue. You just have to pay attention and don't push it away when it comes up. I strongly suggest Coldplay, Kelly Clarkson, Maroon 5, Evanescense, Carina Round, Mariah Carey and the soundtrack for Rent.

2. Friends. Go out, do something. It feels good to gain a new perspective and get some fresh air. It'll make you remember why you love being alive and present. It'll help you to know that even in difficult times, not every person in the world is a jerk.

3. Sit. Meditate, see what comes up. Ask for Divine Healing and Intervention. It'll happen. Remember that this is your ego that is in pain. The ego thinks it wants and it needs and it'll never have. But it's not real. It's not an expression of your true self. There is never anything that you can get from another person. It's always inside of you. If you don't believe this and keep trying to hurt others and go where you aren't supposed to be, you are very committed to your ego. I know that I am very committed to mine, and want to break free.

4. Remove yourself from the situation. It's much easier to focus on what needs attention when you aren't in the middle of unnecessary drama and upset. The ego loves it. The ego loves drama and negativity and need and fear so much that it creates this awful world around it. This is not you, even though it seems like it.

5. Promise yourself that you'll never let another take away your worth or make you feel this way again. Each heartbreak is a step in the direction of healing yourself. It will trigger your insecurities and self worth and self esteem. When you look to someone else to fill you, or think you'll only be happy when they are in love you, you have some pretty serious issues to heal. I've been stuck in this pattern for so long now. It's nice to finally see some light.

6. Remember that the only thing you really have is you. It's up to you to decorate your soul and see the world as bright and shiny. Sometimes the closer we get to this truth, the more your outside world will fall apart. Things needs to fall apart. If things fall apart and you don't get it the first time, they will fall apart again and again.

7. All of humankind has been experiencing these emotions since the beginning of time. You aren't alone in this, and you might find compassion in the strangest places.

8. Cheesecake, the Gilmore Girls, Sex and the City, Arrested Development and good friends will carry you when you feel like the world is over. Yeah, it's a quick fix, but sometimes a quick fix is just what the doctor ordered.

9. Be patient with yourself. Read some good books. Smile at someone. Spread joy and magic to someone's life. Spend time alone. Really let yourself cry and feel.

10. Remember you are uniquely you. You are a gift to the world. When someone makes you believe otherwise, let them go. You're doing both of you a favor. Smile...because you never know who's already falling in love with it.

~People change, it's just what happens. Nobody said it was easy. I'm going back to the start~

~You never know what's going to happen. Experience the Now. Things need to Heal.~

If they come back again, on dragonflies' wings, you'll know. Otherwise let them go, let them fly and see the beauty that they are.

Perfect Timing

2008-03-19T12:13:00.001-05:00

This was in my inbox today:

We don't stay in this level; we go through it. We don't become a major catastrophe to ourselves when, for example, we have a fever of 101. We watch it to see what it's telling us. Sometimes it's burning out a disease in the body. Sometimes the heat of the body is destroying an unwanted virus or something like that. So don't be too anxious to change something. Watch it to see what it is telling you. You don't have to push your panic button and man the lifeboats at the first little sign of something. You just observe it.- John-Roger

Here Comes The Shoooooook Monster

2008-03-19T10:54:00.000-05:00

At school, we have this expression called "shoooook." It's a long story, but basically has to do with people have stuck energy or muscle spasms and their body will jerk. We make light of it, because, well, it's funny and intense all at once. So whenever something is coming up or is intense, we'll say, "It's a shoooooker."

My shoulders are shooooking. I mean, they are freaking hardcore shoooking. This has been occurring pretty much since the start of school, and energetically has been unraveling as I work through my junk. It parallels physically and emotionally what is happening in my life. Last week, I felt a twisted column of something that was "stuck" let go from my root to my throat. I could literally feel it unravel. I guess I was ready to experience the feelings that I had buried behind it. It's so interesting what our bodies do to "protect" us from something we don't want to experience because our minds think it's too painful. But this is what keeps us stuck in patterns and what drives us emotionally to attract certain things into our lives.

Now I'm twisted left to right. My shoulders keep spasming. The muscles will spasm and I also can feel, when it starts to unwind, my shoulder will jerk the other way to prevent that from happening. It's like my body is holding me prisoner or something. What is interesting to me, is that I'm breaking out all over my shoulders, which has never happened in my life either. I must not be ready for this part yet, but it's pretty annoying having a shoooooking shoulder. I guess I just have to be patient with myself.

I had an intense series of dreams last night. The first started with going out to dinner with co workers, but I didn't end up going and stayed at my "house" with Lance. It was the house that my grandparents used to live in, and then my family lived in. Since my grandpa died, I have had so many dreams that take place there. I feel like it's a "meeting place" or something of that sort, because I've never had dreams that take place there before he died. Anyway, Lance and I were watching a movie lying on a mattress on the floor. Then my mom came in and took the mattress away, ruining the movie. I went to find something to eat and couldn't find anything vegetarian in the fridge. Then suddenly this random lady called on the phone, screaming at me that she needed my garage door opener because it was her home. I told her over and over it was my home and she wasn't getting the opener from me. She told me she was going to call the manufacturer and get the code to open it and that I better watch out.

I was invited to a baby shower for Marty Saybrook, who is a fictional soap opera character. I went back to Brooklyn, WI where I spend most of my early childhood to get her a present. I was riding a scooter. It was one of those scooters where you pedal with one foot and ride it for awhile, then pedal again, not a motorized one. I realized it was getting late and I needed to get back to Oregon. It's about an 8 mile trek on country roads. I looked at the invite and the party started at 8:00 and my cell phone said it was already 8:02. I realized I wouldn't be able to make it, and it was dark and I was getting scared. I was riding the scooter in the dark in the country and a guy passed me on his bike. I got prepared for the worst and was scared he'd hurt me. He just passed me and said he needed to get some air. I continued on my way and another guy wearing an orange shirt was jogging. I again got ready for an attack. He jogged past me and I kept going. I was then grabbed from behind and the man took the scooter and beat me with it. Just as he was ready to make the final blow to my head to kill me, I woke up. I tried to scream in the dream, but no sound came out.

I sat up straight in bed. It was one of those fearful moments where you don't know if it really happened. But I was alive and breathing. I sat there terrified, wishing somebody was with me. It hit me then that all this stuff, all this nightmarish stuff that's been occuring is mine, and mine alone to deal with. It's no coincidence that the people and things that I've taken the most comfort in are not in my life right now. It's so interesting because this is all happening for a big reason. It's part of the transformation, for me and probably for him too. It sucks, but it is what it is. I have to do this on my own.

I can't even believe the recent events and especially Dan coming back in to my life. But it's happening for a reason, and I know a big part of it is to help heal all these things that make me attract what I do into my life. It's scary and is sucks, but it's so necessary. It's all part of this bigger picture that we don't get to know. I hate the unknown, but I have to surrender to it.

I'm appreciative for having these things triggered so they can heal. It would be impossible to have compassion for mankind unless you've experienced suffering yourself. People have been dealing with these feelings for all time. In time, out of time. It's just a little speck in the greatness and unity that we all are. I'm so committed to my ego, I can't wait to break free. It's a process and we meet so many along the way on our path. If the paths cross again, when things are healed, what a blessing that is. We can't fix anything for anyone but ourselves. I wish the lesson I needed to learn wasn't so damn dramatic, but it's calming down, and I'm alright.

Goodbye Love

2008-03-16T19:40:00.001-05:00

Let it Be

2008-03-16T19:19:00.002-05:00

All you need is love

2008-03-16T19:15:00.001-05:00

Across the Universe

2008-03-16T00:12:00.001-05:00

This movie helped to remind me that everything is all part of something bigger. People fight, people hurt each other. Things get out of control and you just let it be. But underneath it all, all you need is love. Love is all you need.

So I guess I'll just....

2008-03-15T21:36:00.003-05:00

It's so interesting...men. Their feelings, their actions, everything. Today, almost five years after dating someone in the most serious relationship in my life, he tells me the truth. Why must someone wait almost five years to tell you something that would have changed everything?

I don't know how to feel. Whether to be angry, upset, relieved, sad....there's been so many emotions lately in my life that I don't ever recognize myself anymore. I guess I'll just be. That's all you can do. Just be.

This too shall pass, right? These things happen for reasons we might not ever know. If things would have worked out with us, and I think they would have if he would have told me the truth at the time, I probably wouldn't know most of the people in my life right now. I certainly wouldn't have be broken hearted from someone else right now, and who knows what I'd be doing. But it happened this way for a reason, and somehow, even though it seems like all is lost and will never be fixed...I know deep down, that's just not true.

Sometimes...

2008-03-14T17:55:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, I think people are such assfaces, that I want to hit them. A lot. God, I am so angry. Fuck you, fuck me and fuck everyone. People are dark and twisty and it sucks.

And time will heal?

2008-03-14T00:50:00.002-05:00

There's so much I want to say....it's like word vomit. But nothing is right. I just keep changing my mind. God I miss him. Will our paths ever cross again? Only dragonflies know. He let me walk away....... Guess it never meant anything in the first place. I just met another character he played. It wasn't real.

So is everyone's 28th birthday this dramatic?

2008-03-10T23:11:00.003-05:00

Tonight I went to my friend Tara's for a healing session that was incredible. It validated everything that is going on inside and outside of me right now and helped me find ways to heal. What is so interesting is that she mentioned that I'm entering "Saturn Returns" which is the return of Saturn into your birth chart. I'm not really one for astrology other than for pure entertainment, but it did seem quite coincidental.

For most of us, ending a phase of life that is familiar and embarking on one that is new and untried is unsettling, even painful. Few people describe Saturn Return as a pleasant period. While undergoing your Saturn Return you may find yourself turning inward and reflecting on your individual destiny. You examine your true needs and desires and the role you want to play on the world's stage. You may feel lonely and alienated from those around you, while family and friends think you are shutting them out. But this is a necessary period of consolidation, when you must retreat from the distractions of the outer world and focus on you.

http://newage-directory.com/saturn.htmlrself at your most fundamental level. The Saturn Return is every individual's search for the Holy Grail.

Saturn comes back around to show you everything
Let's you choose what you will not see and then
Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again
Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.
Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or
Drags you down like a stone to
consume you till you choose to let this go.
Choose to let this go.
Give away the stone. Let the oceans take and transmutate this cold and fated anchor.
Give away the stone. Let the waters kiss and transmutate these leaden grudges into gold.
Let go

.......and I'm choosing to let go. I want me back. I want my magic back that I've given away to everyone until I have nothing left. I can't fix anyone but me. I can't heal anyone but me. I'm not responsible for anyone's heart but mine. I'm taking responsibility. I'm not hiding out in school or plays or excuses anymore. Now, everything changes, but it needed to fall apart. Trust.

I'm 28 today.....

2008-03-10T22:42:00.000-05:00

I'm 28 today, and I'm in awe.

I'm in awe because life is so amazing. It sounds so cliche, but I never in a million years thought I'd be where I am right now. I expected to be married to my college boyfriend and expected to be a journalist. Sometimes the Universe has a bigger plan, and the joke is, you don't get to see the whole picture.

I've learned in these past few weeks to take things one day at a time. It's much easier to live in each moment instead of looking in a rear view mirror, or hoping tomorrow has a better promise for you. "There's only us, there's only this."

I'm 28 today and I'm letting go of expectations. I'm letting parts of me come back that had left a long time ago. I'm finding all these parts that weren't really "me", only ways of fitting in, are falling apart and falling away. Why is it that things sometimes have to fall apart to gain clarity and perspective?

I feel amazingly grounded in who I am today. I feel a great amount of peace that everything will work itself out and will be alright. I feel anchored in faith and supported completely. Sometimes things must fall apart to see what is truly there. Sometimes there is a purpose, sometimes there is a reason. But there is always faith. I know lights will guide me home.

I'm 28 today and I don't need to know. I can surrender. This is a new thing for me. With the brevity of life, each obstacle overdriven.

I'm surrounded by love, beauty, awareness and truth. What's meant to be will always find a way, no matter how murky it gets. Everything will be bright and shiny again when you can polish your own soul.

It Just Is

2008-03-06T15:22:00.002-06:00

I just wanted.....we just didn't.....no words will come out.

I thought I needed.....but it isn't true.....and he still doesn't want me.

Acceptance of this.....I didn't want to know.

Now what? We're not....I'm not.....it falls apart....everything.

I sit here.....not knowing....surrender to what? How can I......I'm so very flawed.

If only......I could just have another chance......it wouldn't matter. It's not real. None of it was ever real.

And now.....I sit....waiting it out...for what? What's the point? There isn't anything I can say......

I need to set myself free. The walls are coming down.........crash.