2007

On my drive into work this morning I was thinking about 2007 thus far. It dawned on me that this really has been a tough year, and up until this realization today, I had only chose to focus on the positives. Does this mean I live in denial? Or am I just eternally optimistic?

The year started off with a bang. On NYE a friend and I kissed-I was thinking there was potential and I thought he was thinking the same-but the night ended up with me walking home in my stilettos and no coat-seems to the trend of 2007. It wasn’t meant to be and that is wonderful, because I’ve realized we are much better off as just friends.

Adam Pascal lit my candle at the end of January and I was pretty sure I could not have felt any more euphoric. Life seemed to be really falling into place. I had lost my job back in November and I finally had been hired at a new job that paid well.

The night after Adam Pascal I met someone that I had the most undeniable connection with. The night we kissed, my grandpa died. It was one of those times where I was experiencing so many emotions; I didn’t know what was what. I was grieving and falling for someone-a pretty strange combination.

I realize that my grandpa’s death is something that will not be easy to get over and it will take a long time. It still doesn’t seem real and there are still moments of raw emotion where I just don’t believe it is true. But life goes on, with or without you.

I met new people in March that provided an instant friendship, beautiful connections. But is seems they are all not staying that way. Sometimes there is nothing you can do.

At the end of March, I had another walk home alone in stilettos-this time I felt I had lost something that never had a chance to begin. I was sad, upset, angry and frustrated. You can’t make somebody love you and you can’t change anybody’s mind-no matter how much you want to or how much you care. It just doesn’t matter.

Since then, it’s just been a few months of feeling out of sorts. I gave my dog to a family that could take better care of her and had more time for her. Last night I had a dream about her and the truth is that I really miss her a lot. Giving her away was one of the most difficult days of 2007, and again, I did it alone. I really miss her and it hurts so much. I’d give anything for a little Gracie snuggle up time.

I know clearing out things in your life makes way for new and exciting things. I’m holding on to faith that this is true. I know by these things happening it has show me that the only person you can truly trust and rely on is yourself-and that is a great lesson to have learned. I have learned that the clouds are always darkest just before the brightest dawn. Time to let go and let it be. I don't feel sorry for myself, I just feel I'm ready for something new.