I thought of something to say

I'm really hungry. I've been eating non-stop today, it's absurd. I'd really like some deli-style pasta salad right now with lots of disgusting mayo type sauce. It's always all about the sauce. I realize this type of behavior is not getting me anywhere closer to being incredibly sexy and sassy.

I'm looking forward to September, lots of fun things going on. Like what you might ask? Well like this stuff:

Dragonfly Wellness opens

I start my new job full time

Jordan's musical that he will probably make me cry at

Lauren's birthday party

Intuitive Guidance 2

Pro Health Chiro's open house

Dennis' Birthday

All these good things and more, coming up in September. 

??????

What should I write about today? I don't really have a topic in mind, but I feel like writing nonetheless. 

Hmmmm....

Dear Diary,

Today I met a boy. He was really cute. That's actually not true. I just don't know what to write about.

Let's see:

I went on a walk today. It was really nice to enjoy the late summer air and get out of the condo for awhile. I've been increasingly aware of how important it is to take little breaks like that for yourself. I've been doing so much for Dragonfly and I started training at my new job this week, so the little breaks are important. I'm absolutely loving this weather. Except for the ragweed or whatever it is that cause my eyes to feel like they are glowing like the Terminator's.

I'm finding myself becoming alarmingly anti-social. This isn't like me. Perhap's I'm channeling the ghost of Christmas Past. That didn't make any sense. I swear, I haven't been drinking. It's just that I'm sick of people. I mean, not everyone, but most people. I'm liking spending time alone more and more. Does this mean I'm just getting boring, or more comfortable in my skin? I dunno. 

I've got the back to school fever. That's rush of anticipation for something new. I feel it. It's palpable. I like it. 

And so it begins, another cycle. I hope this coming winter is much better than the last. 

A question of wonder

It's Friday night and I just got done meditating. I'd normally surrender to the norm of friends and booze, but the budget does not allow at this moment. So, I'm forced to spend time with myself, and that can get interesting.

I started with smoking a bit of fun and proceeded to get jacked up on orange crush and chips ahoy cookies while watching the video of Matt and Stacy's wedding. Really? Yes really. I watched mine and Nate's toast and remembered the good times. I saw myself five years ago, a totally different person, but yet the same. I just hadn't really done any self examination and was pretty naive to the world. I was much prettier back then. 

I danced for a bit around the condo...clearly a byproduct of too much sugar and reduced inhibitions. I thought a lot about friendships. I thought a lot about the current ones in my life and which ones are reciprocal and which ones are not. I thought a lot about how I care for others who don't really care all that much about me...or at least don't or can't show it. I couldn't help but wonder...is it time to just get over myself? Who really matters and who doesn't?

During meditation, I kept having the reoccuring thought of  "Should I just laugh off everything, or should I feel things too?" I think the answer for me is balance. I can laugh off a lot. I can also feel a lot. But is the answer always to get over yourself? How do you communicate to others your feelings? Do you just keep these thoughts to yourself and not share them? What if people are sick of listening to you? I guess that's what I create for myself in my head. Nobody will really care or want to listen, and if I try to share, can I truly explain myself? My tongue always gets so tied when it comes to something real. 

I get tired of people having the same issues over and over. It's like get over yourself...but I can see that irritation I have with others is what is mirroring in me. Will I always want what I can't have? Will I always feel like I need to tell someone how I feel? Why can't it be enough for me to just have these thoughts and feelings to myself? Does anyone really give a shit anyway? 

I find myself caring less and less about people's issues and dramas and lives. Is this just my way of avoiding it in my own life? Probably. But I guess not dealing with anyone makes for quite a lonely life...or a lot of very superficial friendships.  Hmmmm. I feel like some of my friendships are fading fast and I can't save them. I feel like I'm the only one who actually cares about them or wants to do something about it. Maybe it's just a lot of wasted energy. Maybe I need to focus more on myself.

I know this feeling. This feeling of wiping the board clean and starting fresh.A sense of peace and balance and anticipation. I was in this mind frame almost a two years ago now when I first met Jordan. A perfect space that I was in, happy, fresh and full of anticipation... but that wasn't to last long. It lead me on this fascinating journey of true self discovery. It's coming around again....this feeling. This feeling of just being clear and ready for what's next. This feeling of drifting apart from others. I wonder who's going to be around the corner this time. 

Life's going to be changing dramatically for me in the next few weeks. Going from not working at all to having two jobs. Things are going to get interesting. I wonder if my life is being purged of certain people because they either don't fit anymore, or they just truly don't care about me. Connections come and go. I just hate it when they go. But I see the beauty in it, even if it hurts like hell. 

Sometimes when I'm just sitting here by myself, I wonder a lot about what it'd be like if certain things didn't happen. But they did. The thing is, I wonder if anybody else thinks about these things too? It's the little things that eat away at us inside. But I seriously still believe in True Love. I believe that nothing is totally impossible. How delusional am I? 

Prettty Damn Inspiring

Micah Alberti...small town kid from Oregon, WI. He's one of my brother's friends, two years younger. He left Oregon to pursue acting. He's been on All My Children and the show "Wildfire." I'm sure among other things.

He's dating Bruce Willis' daughter now. I think the pics say it all. It's pretty damn inspiring what can happen if you go for your dreams. I think he's in good company now.

Technology is killing our relationships

Don't get me wrong. The Internet is a GREAT invention. You can find recipes, keep track of money markets, email friends and even send pictures to people you rarely get to see. It's a great way to keep in touch, however it seems to be increasingly common that it's the only way we keep in touch and I believe it's causing a huge shift in relationships.

When I was in high school, you had to CALL someone to hang out or ask them a question. Email was just starting to become popular, and for me, it was a great way to keep in touch with my friend Bekah, who was in school in Idaho. Now, I don't have to do that, because I can just check her facebook. Sad, but true. 

My sister's boyfriend recently broke up with her and she was more upset about what she saw on facebook then what actually happened. It was like her life was playing out online. I too, have fallen prey to that. "Oh, this is going on and his facebook says..." It's ridiculous. Instead of actually calling or talking to someone in person, just check their facebook status or their blog or whatever it is. You can always send a quick text instead of communicating with your voice. Hmmm.

The Internet is kind of like alcohol when it comes to relationships: You can hide behind your computer, it gives you a false sense of security and releases  more inhibitions. You can also get totally delusional about what people put on their personal websites.  I see it more so in the younger generation, because they have grown up with the Internet being more prominent in their lives.

It's easier to spend a Friday night surfing YouTube or Blogging than it is to actually live a real life. It's so easy to isolate yourself from your friendships because you have your computer friend. 15 years ago, this wasn't the case. I think the Internet is causing a shift in human relationships. It's sad. 

Why call someone to see how they are doing? You can check their blog, their facebook, their myspace, email them, or IM them. Screw the personal interaction...the world nowadays makes it too easy to not have to keep in touch. A hand written note is a rarity. It's dis-heartening.

I've thought about deleting all my Internet stuff, but then, who would keep in touch with me? I guess it'd be a good experiment. 

If we didn't have the Internet to entertain us, what would we do? I guess I would actually work out, spend time preparing nice meals, read more, call my friends, try out a new hobby like knitting or scrapbooking, take more pictures, have better conversations and less misunderstandings with people, and have a really clean condo. Those are just a few things off the top of my head. Imagine that. My life would be so much better and active...like I always claim I want it to be. But what's holding me back: Oh, I have to blog and sit on my ass for the next 45 minutes. It's too addicting. Sad, but true.

The Internet is like alcohol: Slowly killing our soul and body, but not really realizing it until it's too late. 

The Irony of Relationships

This weekend is my ten year high school reunion. Via the amazing internet, a lot of us have become reacquainted again on facebook. It's ironic that some of the people that caused me the most pain are now my friends. It's ironic that you just never know what will happen in life.

I'll NEVER forget the 8th grade dance. I was dating this guy Shaun all year, and to this day, he's my favorite boyfriend that I've ever had. It was so sweet and innocent and he cared about me so much. There were no games, no drama, no crappy sex. It just was what it was. Two people being honest and present with each other and loving every minute of it.  My grandma took me out to buy a special dress for the formal dance at the end of the year. Then, out of the blue, he broke up with me a week before the dance. I was devastated.

I found out a few days later that he was taking another girl. Jamie Martig. I hated them both. How could they do this to me? They were just going "as friends," but something told me that wasn't true.

The night of the dance they started "going out." To me, it was the end of the world. My poor little 14 year old heart was broken. I will never ever forget the pain of that. It hurt so badly and I cried all night. It was my first experience with that sort of pain and it was difficult. At that moment, I thought everything was over in my life. Of course, you grow up, you move on, you meet other people and you just kind of forget...or do you?

It's funny because Shaun and I went out on a date when he was home from his last leave from Iraq last winter. He's almost done with his time in the army and is moving back to Wisconsin. Jamie is now married and has adorable children and we are friends. Isn't that ironic? I don't know if anything will happen with Shaun and I. I just think it's ironic that the situation now is so much further from what I thought it would be in my 14 year old head. In my 14 year old head, they were married and were planning baby names.  You just never know what can happen...and who will be in your future.

I've gotten reacquainted with many friends that I was very close to in my younger years, but just lost touch. I see these girls becoming a part of my adult life and I'm very excited about it. It was like we each needed to explore and live for the past ten years, and it's ready to come back together, better than ever. Sometimes people just need space and need to grow apart. If they are meant to be in your life, it'll happen...even if it's ten years later.

I was the girl who was friends with everyone, but I did get my fair share of teasing and torture, just like everyone else. It's part of growing up. I remember when the new girl Emily moved here in 8th grade. She slapped this really "popular" guy because he was being a dick. I can't believe she did that, and I thought, "who is this girl who is standing up for herself like that?" We're still friends to this day...ironic and she still inspires me to stand up for myself.

Relationships are so interesting. We form these relationships because we NEED people. You can say that's not true over and over, but it simply is true. We need each other. Sometimes that changes forms or people...but we do need others. We can isolate ourselves, but that only lasts for so long. Human beings are meant to be social, thriving and happy creatures. 

Relationships can change. It can go from friendship to dating to nothing to really close friends to seeing each other a few times a year. Relationships are always changing. I just think it's so ironic that something that could make me so upset so many years ago is getting another chance for healing, and not only that, an opportunity for a new friendship with somebody I already know I love. 

Knock Knock...It's Your Future

I can almost hear my 14-year old self explaining to my aunt that I had it "all figured out" for my life and there was no need to worry.

First, I'd get married right after college. I'd major in biology and work with marine life and do independent ocean research. I'd have two kids and my husband would make decent money as well. We'd live in Florida so I could be close to the ocean for my career. Well...that future didn't work. I didn't need to worry about finding a husband, because my parents told me I was pretty, and that's really all I needed. Well, here I am 28, still pretty, and still no husband. I'm pretty sure it has a lot more to do with it than  that. What you'll believe when you are 14.....

In early college years, I was pretty sure I'd marry Dan and we'd move up to northern Wisconsin so I could start my career in television news, earning an awesome $15,000 a year in Rhinelander, WI. We'd talked about getting married the summer after graduation. In that moment in my life, that's all I wanted...to get married, have a few kids, and call it a day. WTF was I thinking? I guess that's what binge drinking will do to you.

Here I am, 28 years old and planning my own future. I've found what I LOVE to do and I also know a lot of my income is dependent on how well I do for myself. I need to plan well and live well. I want to retire by the time I'm 55. There's a lot I want to do in this lifetime...mostly traveling the world and making a difference, but that requires a lot of money. I've been researching and reading a lot about investing and retirement planning and my budget needs a makeover. So this month, my whole way of financial thinking is getting a huge make over for the better. I'm meeting with a financial planner and getting it all together. Grandpa Russ would be so proud.

The thing is, I don't want to end up like my parents. They just simply weren't educated when it comes to money and budgeting and investing. They are now getting it and getting more prepared, but I want to get this stuff taken care of and in good hands now. I really should have done that when I started my first job, but I didn't think that "stuff" was important. It is.

I'm a lot further ahead than most people my age because I own my own home and now I'm going to hang on to that property as long as possible, even seeing if I can get it paid off in 15 years instead of 30. 

You can't really plan for your future as far as what is going to happen, because you just don't know. But I want to be safe and secure, and this means planning for my own future and not always listening to what everyone else is doing or thinks I should be doing. Remember being pretty is all you need to find a rich husband. GAG!!!

I look back at the younger versions of myself and laugh a bit. I'm sure I'll look back at me in ten years from now and laugh a bit too.

My ten year high school reunion is this weekend, and I couldn't be happier to attend. I can't wait to see what these last ten years has brought to my classmate's lives and for them to see me too. A lot happens in ten years. A lot happens in one year. 

I can't keep putting off so many things. The future is now. Now is the time to start up Dragonfly, to open the Roth IRA and to make bigger mortgage payments. Now is the time to say yes to dating if someone manages to spark my interest. Now is the time to start budgeting and planning for mine and Britter's Europe trip in two years. I've never really been a planner, but I'm learning one step at a time.