Something Amazing

Today, something really amazing happened. A patient told me that my voice makes a difference to him. I remember having to SING those words to a room full of my classmates before I could graduate from TIBIA and BELIEVE IT!! AHHH!!!! Talk about an emotional day. YUCK!!! The interesting thing I thought of today is the difference between believing something and being something. If you believe something to be true, it doesn't mean you are always BEING it. BEING is what creates a difference for others. Nine months after saying those words, they are finally repeated back to me. I have become my voice makes a difference. Little did I think that some 77 year old man in Sun Prairie would be the one to tell me that back when I first spoke those words. It's interesting to see that life takes us on amazing journeys, never knowing who we are going to touch. He told me that my voice makes him happy and it makes his day better. Who knows what that change of me finally being a difference will make on other people...even if it is little...it is a step in the direction of what I am creating in this lifetime.

On my hike today, I thought about all the guys I've dated. I thought about the lessons from each relationship and how none of them honored who I am. I realized that in the past I have truly rejected myself, so how in the world would I attract someone who would not reject me? I firmly believe you are your thoughts, that you create your own reality.

I sat down on a park bench and wrote. As I get more clear about who I am and what I want to be, I realize more and more what I would need in a romantic partner. They say you have to write it down to make it real. So here it is: I'm writing this all down to hold myself accountable to what is acceptable to me if I'm going to share my heart with someone. I'm not up to screwing around anymore...it leaves me empty and unsatisfied. I'm not looking for someone that wants that. Here is what I came up with. I know there is no such thing as the perfect person, but there is such a thing as loving yourself enough to know that these things are vital to have the kind of relationship that's worth having.

~Trust-safety to be myself and he himself with me.
~He has goals and a plan to achieve them
~Enjoys outdoor activities
~Gets me on a deep spiritual level of being
~makes me smile whenever he crosses my mind
~health conscious about his diet and exercise
~has time and energy to want to grow in our relationship together
~drop dead handsome
~ability to make me laugh and also he thinks my humor is funny
~speaks to others with an open heart and compassion
~loves experimenting in the kitchen and enjoys going to the farmer's market to shop locally
~dedicated to his profession
~has a belief in something greater than himself and a connection to all beings
~empathetic not apathetic
~musical talent or at least an appreciation of it
~always striving to grow and learn and make a difference
~loves to receive massage
~supportive of my dreams and motivates me to achieve my goals
~likes weekend get aways and traveling
~will love my sister and watch out for her as much as I do
~knows that sometimes you need a lazy Sunday to do nothing but stare
~has a life outside of me but will include me in it by having great communication skills
~has solid friendships
~will help me find a beer I actually like!
~Can help me with my technological challenges
~appreciates the humor of my clumsiness
~thinks I'm beautiful-my soul and my appearance
~loves spontaneous adventures and spontaneous sex
~appreciation for synchronicities and the journey of life
~will think that it's awesome and not crazy when I just 'get a feeling about something'
~likes surprises
~mutual respect
~goofy sense of humor
~his energy matches mine
~believes that tomorrow is always another opportunity to start over
~understands what I'm trying to create in this world and me understanding his creation
~grounded
~knows how and wants to work through his "stuff." Uses the tools he is taught in life.
~knows and respects that I require alone time
~likes doing home projects
~the love that we have for ourselves and each other inspires others to find true happiness and joy
~really awesome hot sex-and whenever I want it. yep!!
~taller than me and hair I can run my fingers through
~is actually ready to meet me
~passion for something, anything, to let me know he is present, alive and actually living
~wants to create the most gorgeous child that ever existed
~wit and sarcasm
~inspires me to be the best person I can be



That's what I want. That's what I deserve. Whoever you are inside is directly reflected in the life you live and the people you surround yourself with.

The day everything changed

When new patients come into the chiropractor's office where I work, they are required to fill out a health history intake form. Mostly, the questions have to do with pain. What kind of pain, where the pain is located, what happened to cause the pain..... I think about it like that and try to answer, how can I compartmentalize my pain in a bunch of small boxes to check today?

Today, the pain was sudden. It was intense. It was a burning, stabbing pain in my solar plexus. It was a headache pain...the pain you get when you do everything you can to keep your tears from flowing down your face. The kind of pain where you are planning on saying goodbye to someone, and then, the pain comes out of nowhere. It's an unexpected pain. A pain I didn't even know was truly there until it was palpated.

Previous is was a dull aching pain right in my heart. A pain that I knew I couldn't let go, and yet I couldn't move on with my life either. It's sadness. It's the worst kind of sadness and loneliness you can experience. Being a stranger to yourself in a life that has been so familiar for the past two years.

1998-Moving away from home to attend UWGB, truly ending the cycle of BLBJ...yes, the fab four actually had a acronym we were so tight.
2000-The first break-up with Dan. I should have kept it that way, but I needed to learn. I needed to grow.
2002-Meeting Kevin, prompting saying goodbye to the type of man I previously settled for.
2004-Chad and Dennis. The absolute loves of my life at the time. But, you choose what you choose.
2006-Derek-I was good enough to keep around for fun, but he was dating someone else...and didn't tell me.
2009 (ok, so a few more months to the two year time period)-the transition to a new way of friendship with two people, the dragon and the mermaid...

The sadness sometimes is almost unbearable...knowing that these fantastic people come into my life, and then, like everything, it has it's own cycle. It has it's own time-line that I can't control....and it's ok. Sometimes people fit, sometimes they don't, sometimes it changes. The thing that gives me comfort is that nothing is ever destroyed, it just changes form.

I feel like I broke up with someone today, which is kind of ridiculous because A. We're both straight, and B. We were never dating....but it feels the same emotionally nonetheless. It's just that, I feel, we get it. We understand. And it will be ok. It will take some adjustment not seeing her blond hair everywhere anymore and the fear that the connection we had will never be the same. The truth is, we all met when we needed each other. So badly. The mermaid, the dragon, and I.
I feel like I said goodbye to both on the same day, exiting as quickly as they entered. Like a Divine Intervention of sorts. But maybe it wasn't. I think I wanted it to be special. But the truth is, it really was extraordinary. It ripped open the next layer or my journey, and I wouldn't be the same without them. It's true. I'm so blessed for the experience.

I hope that it doesn't end, but I know that it won't be the same. I thought I was really over it, but judging by the instantaneous tears that formed while eating lunch, it was clear to me I wasn't. What's interesting is that I realize why I reacted to all the things we've been through the way I have. I feel complete with that part of it. So, why the tears? I think it was the knowing, the general sense of what the dragon and mermaid meant to me was changing, and may just disappear. Life is full or surprises, of beginnings and endings. It's a constant cycle and change, sometimes you fit, sometimes you don't. I had felt that feeling before with Jessie. We needed our year apart to grow together again. It's a sad, sad feeling. But it's a feeling that in hindsight, you know this is the best day ever.

It's true that time heals everything, however you can't speed it up. You just have to be with it, make it your friend. Sometimes I feel like I feel emotions so much stronger than the average person, that I love too hard and I put myself out there way too much. I just hope I made a difference.

I think back to the moment I saw that black and white picture. And I knew, I had to know him. I'm sad I didn't get to know him and find all the secrets behind his eyes, and enjoy all the things that make him uniquely him. I wish I'd be given the chance...but it wasn't mine to have then. I met him at a time I needed him and I loved him before I even met him. And it's a love that stands out of time. It just is. It's a love that transcends romance and friendship, it's just what it is. And I'm happy for him that he's able to open up to someone. His happiness is important to me....I just don't need to be the reason for it. A part of me wonders if I wouldn't have told him to audition for Madison theater, if he ever would have...if he would be doing what he's doing now. But it is neither here, nor there. It just is. I understand this. I realize his role on this stage. I just hope I made a difference.

I think back to moment he brought her to the red party. Banged up and defeated, she needed me, and I her. What resulted was one of the best friendships I have known. Someone who seemed to really understand. We all needed each other so much. To live, to learn, to grow. And I know she's able to swim away strong, passionate and whole. And I love her. It's a love that stands out of time, and we both get that. I told her we didn't need to go over what the past two years meant, because we don't. We both just know. It goes without saying. It's so hard when your life kicks you out....but it's just because you're forced to move on to what's next. Even when you don't want to...even when you know it's the best thing. Even when you feel like it's all just a strange dream.

I'll always look back at this time as the years of healing. How I transformed into a dragonfly...and how I'm finally comfortable with saying that. Because she and I are one in the same...we were never meant to belong or stay anywhere...we just glide and flutter and find people when they need us. That's just how it works. I can tell myself that nothing changed to day, but the truth is, everything has.

In the story that I will tell my children of how I found their father, I will talk about this day. And hopefully "Aunt Sarah" and "Uncle Jordan" will be around to hear it.

I hope these amazing people stay in my life, but today everything changed...and it's probably for the better. I love them both. They are people I will always do anything for, answer any 3 am call from and probably give a kidney for. However, I will not eat coconut for them. I draw the line there. This is the day that the next chapter starts...and it's ok. I am strong. I remember "this" night two years ago. The next day, my dragonfly showed up right on my porch screen.

The two things that stand out so much right now are the night by the lake, hearing his life story and the night we tried to watch Batman, but instead had to watch Dragonfly...where I heard hers. I hope, someday, when I am wherever I am, and they tell their life story to someone else, that I at least get an honorable mention.

I don't know what's next. But my life here doesn't fit anymore. I feel this constant and incessant tug at my heart strings to spread my wings and fly. Africa? Dubai? California? I don't know...but what I do know is I was born in this world to make a difference....and that's what I'll spend the rest of my life doing. I'm sure there will be many more 2 year cycles, or perhaps one day, it will break. People will show up and inspire you, love you, break you, and teach you. People will come and go, people will change. But love remains the same.

My Snow Day

Today I had a marvelous snow day. I knew I would be having this day last night, so I thought about what I wanted to do today. I knew I at least wanted to get the holiday decorations up, even if I don't really believe in the Holidays. I just love having the lights up and sparkling ornaments on the tree. It adds a bit of illumination to my life.

I started my day with watching the Pursuit of Happyness. What a wonderful movie! Even thought I've never been homeless, I can relate to struggling and struggling to achieve your dreams. It gave me hope again that I can do anything that I put my mind too, and again, stirred my heart to be a fantastic doctor someday. Who cares if I won't finish my residency until I'm 36? That just means I'll have about 30 years to enjoy it until I retire.

I put up the artificial Christmas tree. I don't believe in real trees. Yes, I know they are raised specifically to die for America's consumption and end up in landfills, but I just can't do it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when I was a baby, I pulled on an ornament and our real tree came toppling over me and I got an eye infection from the needles. Thanks mom, for watching me.

Last year I had skipped the tree. I wasn't much in the mood for holiday festivities. As I put the ornaments on the tree, I reminisced about why I had bought them. There was the yorkshire terrier figurine I had bought because of Gracie. There was the grey cat I had bought in honor of Kristina, Dennis' cat. I remembered at the time how close Dennis and I were: like Will and Grace. We talk maybe three of four times a year now. I thought about our friendship and what it meant and still means to me. I thought about how so interesting people's enter and departure from our lives is so Universally perfect.

I looked at the tropical flip flops I bought in honor of my old roommate Jennifer. She loves everything and anything to do with Hawaii. She was my best friend from 4th grade until we graduated high school. Again, I thought about entering and departure. I thought about time and timing.

My St. Louis arch ornament. I had been there for three weeks on a business trip when I used to sell appliances at American. I thought about how unhappy I was on the inside then, and how back then I would have never guessed my life would be where it is now. I thought about that girl and if she would have had any clue she'd meet a Dragonfly and her whole life would change. I thought about if that girl even knew how to tune into a higher vibration and resonate there.

I looked at the glittering cardinal. I immediately looked for the disco balls. I had bought this combination of ornaments in honor of my love for the Cardinal Bar. Now the Cardinal has new meaning...the passage of time my family went through to get to Middleton and my Grandpa's Death. It's interesting how things can take on a new meaning in your life just because of the passage of time.

I decorated the tree as my favorite movie, "Breakfast at Tiffany's" played. What a perfect way to spend the afternoon.

I thought about my life now and then people in it, and the people I want in it more. I realized their significance, and I felt so blessed. I'll have to go out and make sure I find a mermaid ornament, an angel ornament and a dragon ornament. I'll have to make sure I find at least five dragonfly ones....

Our life experiences make us into who we are in the present. The people we have in our lives, and the ones we hold in our hearts shape us into who we are. I think I've turned out pretty good so far. As I clear out more and more "junk" from my heart, I feel more open to inspire others, to love others and to motivate others. I'm even getting to a point in my life when I can truly appreciate and love people, even if they decide they don't want to give anything back. I'm ok with that now. I just want to make a difference. At times, I question if I do...then I look around me and know I do. And I realize it doesn't really matter if I do or not. It just matters that I stay to true to who I am. When I don't, that's when things fall apart.

I think it's really important to have these kind of days. I realized I'm the happiest when I'm just staying present. It doesn't really matter what I'm doing, other than being right here, right now. Being present with my thoughts and memories and noticing rather than judging. Acting out of love instead of fear.

In five years, I wonder how I'll be decorating my tree. I know it won't be in Madison. In a way, that saddens me, but it a way it inspires me. Knowing I'm working my way to use my intuitive gifts in the medical field will be enough for me. Knowing that soon I'll have the knowledge and education to make a huge difference. To know I won't be one of the HMO doctors who sees a patient for six minutes and then prescribes three drugs for them will be my inspiration.

I hope I can add many more ornaments to my tree. I'll be 33 years old. I hope there will be ornaments about inside jokes with my friends. Ornaments about a great love. Ornaments from the past and present. I can't tell the future (well sometimes I THINK I can, and sometimes what I say does happen) so who knows what that is. What I do know is that without a dream, without people you love and without inner peace you don't have much of anything.

People need to take snow days. Without them, we just get lost in this rat race. We just keep going and going, never taking the time to really love, really feel and really be present. We feel obligated and lose our passion. We need a recharging of the soul every now and again. It's vital to existence.

Inspiration in one car ride

Yesterday I went to my first myofascial release study group. It's a group of advanced myofascial release practitioners in the wisconsin area to get together and practice and study and research. I'm just a beginner, but I found myself being invited to join the group and I thought, wow, that's really cool.

I drove up with two of the women in my class at Tibia, Gina and Sue. They are both women in their early 60's, that had just started the path to self discovery a few years ago. They are lovely, caring women with a ton of temper and a ton of sass. Funny, dynamic, awesome women who tell it like it is. It's funny how life delivers people into your life sometimes. Who would of though I wouldn't rather be doing anything else on my weekends than hanging out with a couple of 60 plus year olds!

I listened as they talked about their troubles with dating and men and relationships. I listened as they talked about their "children" and what they are up to. They ask me about my life and get so excited for me when they hear about new things going on for me. Then Sue said....

"You know Jess, when you sang that day in class, I felt deprived. I felt like we had all missed out on something that whole year from you by keeping that inside of you. I wished I could have heard you sing all year."

I kind of felt like saying, "ummm hello...that's what I needed to heal within myself. My voice had gotten stuck...didn't you just go through a year of supporting me with that?" But you know, she's older, so she can forget. I just said, "Well, that's what I needed to heal Sue. I couldn't have sang for you because I didn't know it was inside of me."

I told them about my voice lessons and the possibility of being part of a recording for aspiring music writers and Dragonfly Wellness and the triumphs and struggles financially and business wise. I told them about things that happened in Intuitive Guidance Class. I told them of friendships of my life coming and going. I talked about my vision for Dragonfly. They, of course, were so excited.
Gina said...

"Your life could go in so many different directions. You have the singing, the business, and your whole life ahead of you. Don't get married."

I think this is about the sixth time I have heard, "Don't get married in the past few weeks." It's so very interesting.

I thought about all that went on in that car ride. And I thought to myself, "Isn't it a shame I held that part of myself back from people I love because I was scared. It's sad when people don't realize their inner light and their ability to heal and inspire others with their actions and who they are being." I thought about this for a long time. We dis-empower others when we do it to ourselves.

I thought about how much I push and push and push people to see their inner light. I drive people away because I make them actually feel something. It's so much easier to pretend you feel nothing and go back to suffering. It's what is familiar. I do it to myself.

I don't want to deprive people anymore. I want to keep on shining. I think of all the people in my life who were once very close to me and are not anymore. I wonder, are we done learning from each other now? It saddens me greatly. But I have to let go. It's impossible to keep on trying to make someone be a part of your life when they clearly do not want to be. It keeps you from missing out on all the amazing people that do want to be a part of your life. Sometimes you don't know the bigger picture...if there is even a bigger picture of all.

I saw myself. I saw myself with long, wavy, dark hair. I saw the golden letters "Dragonfly Wellness" on the back wall behind the reception area. I saw my sister, who was probably college age working behind the desk. I had a nose piercing and was more in shape. I saw this brief future flash of possibility...and that's what I'm going to be focusing on now. That is what I was meant to do. My life's work. A little dragonfly told me that years ago, and now it's finally starting to happen.....

Finally

There's this New Age theory that after you die, you review your life. You get to watch every moment and also feel how other's felt when you made certain actions. If this is true, I'd never submit the pain I feel onto another. If people could feel what I feel, it might be a different world. Sometimes I wonder, will this ever go away?

I think I finally met someone who gets me better than I get myself. Who not only believes in me, but also can open up to me. Someone who experiences the pain like I do. It's so nice to be able to actually talk to someone about what I experience, and to actually have them care and listen. It's so nice to finally be able to have someone get me.

It makes it more bearable. It makes the pain subside. It gives me hope. It takes the edge off of friendships that aren't as close anymore, of opportunities passed by. It soothes the burn of not being enough for someone. Of not being worthwhile.

It's nice to open up to someone, to get it out. It's nice not to have to keep it all inside anymore. I wish more people would open up. It might be surprising how many people actually get it. When you keep it all inside to yourself, all it does is eat you away.

It's nice not to be alone in this anymore. It gives me inspiration. It gives me confidence. It makes me want to be a better person. It's really nice to be heard and have someone actually care about me. It's nice not to just be an after thought to someone. Mostly, it's just nice to talk. It's nice to know that when people fade out of your life, there are always new ones waiting around the bend. It takes the edge off a bit, but it still hurts like hell.

I hope this works. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Please Work. Please Work.

On Wednesday, I'm getting my first laser treatment done for my skin. I'm so hoping that it finally kills all the acne bacteria and releases me from the torment of self loathing that my skin condition encompasses on a daily basis.

I was looking at old pictures that my mom has so 'lovingly' put up on facebook. It's weird because I didn't have skin issues in my younger teenage years when most people do. My problems started around the age of 21...the first year that I can observe looking back that I truly started hating myself.

I was 21 and living with my three friends Stacy, Maryanne and Jess. I was a junior in college and had no clue about what I wanted to do. I had recently sung the national anthem at the Kohl Center and got carried away by all the media attention. I had always been a great writer (or so my high school teachers say) so I thought, "I'll be a journalist." I don't think I could have picked something farther from who I was, but my ego loved it.

The guy I was interested in tried to commit suicide on my 21st birthday. So, not only was he clearly not ready for any sort of relationship whatsoever, he also picked my most important birthday to date to attempt the deed. At the time, it was the most horrible night that had ever happened. Looking back, I realize how ridiculously stupid I was to date someone that was so emotionally dead. But we started dating. Oh good. Perfect. I cant' believe I hated myself so much to not even get it.

I started picking up the pieces for this man. I breathed for him, because I knew if I didn't, he'd stop. He would be dead today if it wasn't for me. I realized that I have a habit of coming into people's lives when they need me. It's usually some kind of a big crisis. It's oddly strange, yet I guess, necessary. What I didn't realize is that I could have left him alone after that. But I kept trying. And trying.

My skin kept getting worse. I kept getting more frustrated. I kept gaining weight because I was working on my movie and would be up for 36 hours editing. I didn't take care of myself at all. I stopped working out, which was incredibly unfortunate because I had been in such good shape. 5'9" and 145 and yoga-toned ain't too shabby for a Wisconsin girl. I let myself creep up to almost 170, saturating myself and numbing myself with food and Dan. I took care of that man. I'm the one who had to call his family when he tried suicide again. I'm the one who constantly worried that this day he wouldn't make it. If I had only known then that it was all for attention. Some people are so incredibly fucked up.

The man who changed my life showed up for me. His name was Kevin. It was like some weird, strange "knowing" when I met him. He's really one of the first people I got that "I've known you from before" vibe from. He was in a long term relationship as well, and I think deep down, both of us knew we weren't leaving them. We clicked. We laughed uncontrollably together. He was the funniest person I knew besides Nate and incredibly handsome. We were talking one night and he started singing this song he had made up for me. It was hilarious. And in my head I kept hearing, "Dan's not for you, he's just not for you."

Nothing ever became between Kevin and I. We had a moment where we almost kissed, but it's not to be in this lifetime. The role he played for me showed me that there were so many better things out there in life. That I shouldn't settle just because it's comfortable. I wanted someone to inspire me and to laugh with me. Dan did none of those things. Kevin represented everything I was missing.

The night before graduation, I knew it was the very last night that Dan and I would ever spend together. I just lost it. I cried and cried, and I couldn't explain to him why. I had realized something that was a long time coming was about to occur. This could have been the beginning of realizing I had amazing intuition, but who knows. I was a different girl back then. I cried for two hours. Who does that? Certainly not me. I couldn't stop. I realized I had to take a step forward, but I had no idea how to do that. Dan was all I had known, because I had lost myself in absorption into his life. I had nothing left that was mine, or so it seemed.

The next day it was graduation day. We dressed in our gowns and got ready to meet our parents. It was so awkward, hanging out with our parents, with me knowing in my heart this was going to end probably that night. I went to go get in line for my diploma and low and behold, there was Kevin, smiling that amazing smile of his. I smiled back and he came up to me and we joked and laughed and hugged. And I realized....I had my smile. I had me, even if I had to find my way back one step at a time. That was the last time I saw Kevin. I would love to cross paths with him someday. I know he married his girlfriend. I would like to thank him for saving my life.

Dan broke up with me that night. A week later, he was wanting me back. Dan never ever did anything romantic or nice for me. Stacy's fiancee at the time bought me roses for Valentines because Dan forgot. Unfortunately Dan didn't get the message in time, so he was very confused when I called to thank him for the roses. Yup. Great boyfriend huh? And it's not even really about the roses, it's more so about the consideration and lack of it that he had. No respect for me, my time or who I was. Nothing. He was the guy that said he'd call at ten and he'd call at 1 am. He was the guy who would say he was going up with me for a weekend away and then I find out he never intended to in the first place after I had made plans to go. He was the guy who had money, but didn't get me anything for holidays or birthdays and I was in debt up to my ears in student loans, but always found something special for him. The night that Dan asked for me back, he wrote me a "poem." Mind you, it was full of wrongly spelled words and bad punctuation. It was a rip-off from the movie, Ten Things I Hate About You. I realized then and there, that I deserved better. I left.

I called my friend Fiver on the way home in tears. I asked him if I had done the right thing. Actually, I didn't ask him, I just told him to tell me I did the right thing so I wouldn't turn around and drive back. He told me I did the right thing. That summer, I had the best time I had had in years. My skin started to look a lot better, but yet, I still had the scars.

I started working at American and met the man that would ruin my life. He was married, but neglected to tell me he intended to still stay married and instead told me he was in the process of divorce. It was fast and it was chaotic, but I felt he was my soul mate. My skin had never looked worse. The scars I have on my cheeks today are from those months. It was awful. Just awful. When he sent me an EMAIL saying that he decided indeed to stay with his wife and they were moving away, I died a bit inside. I'm not the type of person to fall for a married man, and then to be lied to and cast aside like I meant nothing was devastating. I was done. I was sure I was going to marry this guy. I got so sick with mono it was ridiculous. I couldn't really talk to anyone about this because I was so embarrassed. I realized now that I was just a girl with little self esteem that was taken advantage of. I don't recognize that girl today.

Although these things happened years ago, my skin has never cleared. It might be genetic, it might be diet, it might be stress, but I can't help but wonder if it's emotional. Almost like I'm still wearing that bit of self loathing on my face, for all to see. I just want it to heal and go away. I hope this therapy works because I have tried it all.

It's ironic how we think the world ends when something extremely "bad" happens to us. Later in life, we can look back and track it and see why it happened. If I would not have dated Dan, I never would have met Nate, who is my BFF for life. If I wouldn't have met Nate, I would not have met Matt and Stacy and he would have not met. Lauren would not exist. Without Nate, I would have never started at American, which is where I met married guy. Without that experience, I would have not realized my self worth, because I clearly didn't learn from Dan. Maybe these things would have still happened, but just in different ways. It's hard to say. Nobody knows. I'm just happy to be where I am at now.

I hope this laser can help erase the scars that made me into who I am and what I believe and stand for. I hope this laser can erase the past along with the hurt. I hope this laser can give me a chance to start again, fresh. Sometimes, all you need is a fresh start. To be able to look at myself in the mirror and not cringe...To be able to not load on tons of makeup everyday...to be able to just breathe. To be able to wake up next to the man I love and be comfortable in how I look. There's so many things I'm looking forward to.

I hope this works.

Thoughts of the Day......

My thoughts of the day...

First of all, let's talk about the body and the emotional component of scar tissue. My friend goes to the chiropractor I work for. She and I have the EXACT and I mean EXACT same issue. How weird is that? We can tell because with the proadjuster technology, there is measurable data about your condition. We have the same vertebra issues (that have changed since care, but always been in the same with each others) right now, it happens to be L1. We have the same damn psoas issue and menstral cycle issue. (every other month is intense debilitating pain). So what gives? She and I are "wired up" very similar. I seriously wonder...someday, someone has to invent a measurable way to see how emotional issues are buried in the body. It's pretty interesting. I don't know where my scar tissue around the psoas area comes from, but I can feel it. Yuck.


Also on the body front: Desk and computer jobs. I'm starting to see a lot of clients and EVERYONE has the same freakin issues...upper traps, scalenes and low back. Why? Because everyone works on a god damn computer all day. The human body isn't designed to do that. Our society makes it that way. People ask me how often to come in for a massage until they get "better." Well, the answer is...for the rest of your life....because if you sit on your ass all day at a computer, you will never be pain free, as much as you think your posture rocks, your body hates you.

Next....
Relationships and Marriage. Well, marriage doesn't fix anything. Again, I learned this from my friend today. Having a heart to heart on the hydro tables, she told me that it doesn't. I know this, but deep down, I think we all want to feel that being with someone who loves us will "fix" life for us. That somehow, but being loved, we'll be ok. But, it's just not true. There are times when I really really want to have a boyfriend. I get really lonely sometimes. I don't like to admit it, but it's true, I do. I miss being able to hold somebody and share my day with somebody and also actually really truly care about someone else's day too. And, well, the sex....you can't go wrong there. Well, actually you can, but that's another blog.

My point is, is it better to be single or in a relationship? It's seems like relationships are a lot of work and a lot of headache. Besides your own issues and crap and insecurities, you have someone else's too. And since like usually attracts like, you usually pick someone with similar issues, or someone who is a good mirror for you. Well, what the hell? There are some days I don't want to be around anyone and I just want to be alone and there are somedays when I can't wait to make plans and be around people because I get lonely. When you are in a relationship, you open yourself up to the risk of having your heart absolutely broken, so most people are guarded anyway. Nobody wants to experience that pain again, so why bother? I'm the type of person who's always changing, so does that mean I need to be with someone who is always changing too? Someone who is open to new ideas and ways of being? Someone who is constantly striving for a better way to live? The longer I stay single, the harder it is to think of myself actually being with someone who understands these things, himself and me.

I don' know. Maybe a relationship that doesn't have that crazy dynamics going on does exist. Relationships are a big commitment. I just wonder if I'll ever be done working on "stuff." I mean, there's always emotional, physical, spiritual journeys and issues to be working on. Do you do this forever? Is there a point when things are just ok? Is this when you meet someone? It seems like guys are always complaining that their girlfriend or wife is nagging him about this or that. Well, I don't want my significant other to say things like that about me. They had a poll on Z104 this morning to see if it's worse to lose your job or significant other. And most people said your job. Well, what the hell? Jobs come and go but people don't...

I guess I'm just being a bit pessimistic today. I never was a good "dater." I think it's awkward and strange. I usually like taking friendship to the next level. I don't know, maybe that'll happen one day. For now, I'm just a bit lonely and guarded. I'm realizing more and more every day just how fragile human beings can be. It's hard to think about trusting my heart to somebody else, as much as I think that's what I really truly want. You can't ever really completely trust anyone. I really wish that you could.

I don't know that I've ever truly really been able to be "me" with anyone I've dated. Wouldn't it be so great to find someone that I could be me with and not worry about what he was thinking all the time and if what I was doing was "wrong" or "ok?" Hmmmppffffff. I'm so very confused. These are the things that keep me up at night. I can't help but wonder if anyone thinks about these thing too? My brain needs to shut up now. I just want a guy to snuggle up with. See...that's the whole problem right there...it won't solve a damn thing.

Oh, the power of a little Grey's...

Sarah and I are mid marathon in Season 4 of Grey's. We pretty much missed the entire season, so we are getting all caught up so we can continue with Season 5 this year. Thank god for Nate and DVR for us! He's so my hero.

Tonight's episode involved one of the characters (Miranda) who is now the chief resident at Seattle Grace hospital. There was a bus accident and her high school crush was a victim. Basically the story line unfolded that she did all his homework for him in high school and saved his life in present day, and he still didn't "see" her. He kept expecting her to pick up the slack, clearly not respecting her or giving her the emotional support she so desired. And I can't help but compare this to my own life. I find myself thinking I might be getting a little bit too deep in on this one, so better to sometimes bury it inside and not think about it and stay busy. I know that's not a cure, but it's a band aid.

I am a beautiful, outgoing, fun, passionate, risky, charming, compassionate, and charismatic person. I get along with anyone, unless they are an energetic nightmare, then I just don't bother. I own my own business. I work really hard. I enjoy my friends and family. I try my best, even though sometimes I fail. I'm just a human being, but I'm someone who can communicate and laugh and be silly. I do nice things for people just because it's fun. I stand my ground but keep an open mind. I love to try new things. I've had some of the same friends for years. I throw a damn good party and made a killer breakfast. But, he still doesn't see me. And sometimes that feels like none of these great things about me really matter. I've given up, and know that I deserve someone who sees me clearly. But why is it that we have such a hard time letting go of the person that never really wanted to see us clearly in the first place? A guy would have to be completely retarded not to want to date me. It's so interesting to see how we get wired up the way we do.

It doesn't take a genius to figure this one out. Just take psych 101. I wasn't a great athlete, but I got solos in choir. I was chosen to go to honors state choir. I was part of an award winning marching band. I had a job since I was 14 years old, my family claiming they never had money to buy me things like clothes. I had fantastic friendships. I was in the National Honor Society. But he still didn't see me. He saw my brothers, who were star athletes, never having to have a job, because somehow, there was always enough money for what they needed. They didn't have TIME for things like that. Of course not...I mean, musicals and shows and performances didn't require any time at all.

The wound is deep. It'll take someone very special to fix it. That person, is me.

A Lesson in Time

Today at work, Dr. Rob and I talked about timing. He told me that the Universe will never give you anything that you aren't ready for, as much as you might think you want it. He also told me that timing is everything and you might not always know what will work out best.  I realized my lesson in patience was looking at me with knowing eyes.

About two years ago now, I got a message from my Dragonfly that I would be a massage therapist and work at a chiropractor's office. Now, at the time, I was selling advertising, couldn't afford schooling and life was chaotic. It seemed that it was so far off, but I knew that's what I wanted and what would eventually happen, but I was so frustrated because it wasn't happening NOW!!! Whenever I get excited about something, I want it NOW, not realizing that at that particular time, it might not be best for everyone involved. 

It seemed to take forever to get into school, and I mean FOR-EV-ER!!! Everyone would ask me, "Well, what do you do?" And I say, "Well, I'm starting this job at Subzero, but I WANT to be a massage therapist." 

I started my sessions with Michaela soon after and I know I've written about this day before. But it just hit me again, the significance of timing. She worked out a payment plan for me, because she said it was "Most important that I was in this class." I found out two days before school started that I'd be attending. Upon going to school at Tibia, I thought the only reason was that I was to meet these amazing people in my class...but the timing was also totally perfect for the job I know have at Pro Health Chiropractic. If I would have graduated earlier or later, the timing would have been all wrong.

I could not ask for a better job or more fantastic people to work for. The opportunity to grow is awesome and in a year, I'll be managing two clinics. I click with these doctors and watch them play out so many interesting situations. I could have gotten a job at another chiropractor, but it wouldn't have been the same. It would have been at a chiropractor that still does old school manual therapy that doesn't really help their patients and probably wouldn't care about me as much as these two do. 

I told Dr. Rob about my vision today and the whole "timing" thing. He said, "Yeah, two years ago, I was still in Tennesse." And right then and there, it was confirmed for me again, that EVERYTHING happens for a reason and that if you are clear about what you want and where you are going, the Universe will deliver what you want in the BEST way possible for all situations. I just had to wait two years for this one for things to line up right.  It's all about patience.

But, if you walk around aimlessly with no plan, the Universe doesn't know what to bring to you. So, I'm getting more and more clear about what it is that I'm doing with my life and where I'm going. I know now just to be patient and everything will always just take care of itself. 

I tend to be damn good about knowing what will happen with people and timing, but not really with myself. I find that I put a lot of ego into it, what I want NOW, and that makes it pretty difficult to seperate from what I want, from what's dropping in with no agenda. 

I told my friend Sarah she'd be pregnaunt by September and she'd have twin boys. It's now Sept and she's about 3 weeks along. She'll find out in a few weeks if she's carrying one or two. I told my friend Bethany her child would be born around August 30th, and she said NO WAY, because her husband didn't want children. Well, guess what? He does now and they are going to start trying to get pregnaut around christmas. We'll see what happens. I told Tina that she'd be getting a job in health care and she'd know right away it was a good fit and would love it. Well, you guessed it. I see these things for people, but I don't attach a timeline, unless I hear it. Well, for me, I always attach MY ego based timeline. Yuck. I'm learing the lesson of trust and patience so much right now by being so happy at my new job and attitude. The budget sucks, but I know it isn't for long, and that's teaching me patience and that it's ok to stay home. 

You can get messed up thinking about timing and what if's? But I guess I feel like if this worked out so perfectly, so will everything else, it's just that the lesson isn't over yet. Those earlier times for me were HELL. Around February of this year, I wondered if life was even worth living. I was so sick, stressed and so out of sorts I barely recongized myself. I didn't think things would ever get better. I remember being in the dressing room backstage at Guys and Dolls thinking that I didn't care if I stopped breathing. When you're so sick you can't eat because it hurts so bad and you hate your job so much, it's hard to keep a good attitude. But, things worked out...but it doesn't mean I forgot the hard times. What I did was learn from them. I learned how much I can and cannot handle, how much of myself I'm willing to give up, and learned that true friendships go through some really difficult tests. 

Timing. Trusting. Living and Loving. Especially loving yourself enough to know that you are worth it.  I know I chose to be here right now, in this time, in this life, experience this. If I try to remember each situation that I label, "good or bad" I know it's another chance to experience. Experience what it means to be human, to be alive and breathing. Trusting myself and knowing myself enough that I can do anything I set my mind to. It's just that the other person might not be ready yet. So I wait. Tick...Tick....Tick.... There's more to this adventure I call the life of Jessica Bavery, however, my perspective keeps shifting to realize that timing is everything and I trust the ticks to be the right length of time apart as they are. That's hard to do without adding my bit in. But I learned today that the Universe knows better than me what's better for everyone. 

My life feels a bit like an episode of South Park today. A great lesson at the end of the show. 

What is it that I want/General Anxieties and Rants for the Day/Lessons in Patience/I want to kill myself because my brain won't shut up

I think there must come a time in everyone's life where they have to get clear and honest with themselves about what they REALLY want. It's time to cut the bullshit and really get brutally honest with yourself. I guess it doesn't have to be brutal, but it can be overwhelming and confusing.

My time is now, about a year and a half before my 30th birthday. I've had a GREAT time in my 20's. Lots of partying, lots of drinking, lots of fun and adventure, but when I look at it, it's left me with emptiness. Nothing of substance or sustainability. Yes, of course I love going out and socializng with my friends and family, but it's not fulfilling to me long term. It's not everything I want. I see people in their 40's and 50's still living this lifestyle and I can't help but feel sorry for them.

I started reading and educating myself about financial planning. I'd love to be able to retire at an age when I can still enjoy traveling and making a difference. I rolled over my old 401K into a Roth IRA, since I'm hoping the rest of my life will be spent self employed or working at a wonderful small company. No more big corporate jobs for me. It's for the birds. The old me would have taken that money and spent it on a new computer. Now I have to do the old fashioned thing and save up for one. That's going to take awhile on a very tight budget.

BIG SIGH. Yes, I've been known to be dramatic.

Well, I thought a lot about what I want. It's pretty simple, really. I want to love, travel and experience.

I want to be in a loving, supportive, trusting relationship. This means I have to get over myself. Really. I keep telling myself that I don't know how to date, nobody wants me anyway, the relationship thing doesn't work for me, I could go on and on. If that's what I keep saying, that's what I'll keep getting: Evidence for what I create for myself. But I really do hate dating. I hate putting on your best side for someone just so that they'll like you. I hate the awkward silences and feelings of rejection. I've usually dated guys that have been my friends and something more started to develop when we'd spend time together. But, right now, I don't feel like I have any options that I know of. So, it's back to square one. I don't plan on going on dating websites and crap like that, but I am opening up the possibility of meeting someone or "re-meeting" them if I already know them. If I'm really truly honest with myself, I do want a relationship, and I find myself really romantically lonely at times. There's still a part of me that feels like I'm unwanted. That's what needs to heal. It's so rare that I connect with someone romantically, and when I do, I have such a hard time letting go. I don't want to have to keep going through that over and over again.

I want to generate enough income so I can retire before 60. I also want to have a cabin up north that I can escape to and if/when I have a family, it can be a place for my children's family vacation memories. I want them to be able to know what life is like without a computer and cellphones and emails constantly nagging you. That there is pure joy and bliss in a cup of coffee and a good book. There's nothing more pleasing to me than spending time by water in the summer and watching the leaves change in the fall. I'd love to have a place for weekends of doing just that.

I want to have a successful business in bodywork. I want to specialize in myofascial release and trigger point therapy. To me, this makes the most difference emotionally and physically to the client...to free their bodies from the straight jacket it has imprisoned itself in. The continuing education classes are expensive, but I know I can save up for it and do it. Nothing brings me greater joy than helping someone with their pain. It's fun, it's like playing detective to see where it's stemming from and finding the source. Sometimes it takes a lot of tries. My work brings me joy, and that to me is more important than having a lot of money and doing the same mundane tasks over and over each day. Those jobs don't make a difference in our lives: they are just paycheck. I've lived that, and it's not enough for me. If I can go to bed at night, knowing I'm making a big difference and loving what I do, then it's a life well lived.

I want to travel. I recently had a conversation with my accountant. She is delightful and I always feel so inspired and powerful after talking with her. She travels a lot with her husband and they were getting ready to leave for a trip through Canada and Niagra Falls. I'd love to take vacations and see the world. I grew up very financially strapped and we never once took a vacation. It's hard to raise five kids on a teacher's salary and I don't blame my parents. I just want something different. I want to be able to do that for myself and my future family, if that is in the cards for me.

All this big "life thinking" has made me very anti-social and when I'm in social settings, I just don't feel relaxed or myself. Growing Pains? Or what is that? It's been making me feel strange. It's like I need this time all by myself, or maybe I'm afraid that people will laugh at my dreams. I don't really know what it's all about. I'm crying and laughing a lot, sometimes I feel bipolar. Seriously. I can't wait to be 30...isn't that when it gets easier?

These things are all great, but with goals, you have to have plans. That's where I seem to get stuck. I get really frustrated with myself because I'm not dating, I don't have a lot of money, and I feel like a lot of my life is on uncertain grounds. As I worry about this stuff, my skin and diet get worse. I hate it when my physical body is a product of my own produced stress. It is sometimes hard to breathe, which is probably why my stomach area is chock full of trigger points. Isn't that the solar plexus area? The energy there is the 3rd chakra, your sense of self. Maybe that's why I'm so into yellow lately. Makes sense. UGH!

Sometimes it's very hard to take it a day at a time and I know that's what I need to do. I have the tools I need to take care of this. I can't help but wonder if I'm so lit up lately because Intuitve Guidance 2 is coming up and it's getting ready to clear out. That'd be nice.

Life's Journey sure can be interesting. You never know what's going to happen to you. You can plan and plan, but you never really know. My life completely changed the day I met my Dragonfly. And, sometimes I wonder what it would be like if that had never happened. But you can't live off of what ifs. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I had married Dan. If I had never had an intervention that whispered subconsciously to me, "you're meant to do so much more." I do believe things happen for a reason. It's really hard sometimes though, because we hold on so tightly to what we think we want, rather than allowing space in our lives for what is to be for everyone's highest good.

What kills us inside

I just got out of an awesome bath at my parents house. They have this HUGE bathtub and it's such a treat.

I put my legs up on the wall and relaxed. I looked at my legs. They looked like a super model's legs in all that froth and water. Super smooth skin, long and muscular. A thought came into my head. "I wonder what my legs would look like if I actually took good care of myself?" Well, they'd be way more muscular, better skin texture, probably a lot stronger...and the list goes on.

My point is this: What keeps us from taking really good care of ourselves? Getting enough sleep, exercising, eating well, mental health, emotional and physical needs? Why do we not love ourselves enough to do this?

It's sad. I witness so much potential in so many people. I don't notice it always in myself. I know if I ate better and exercised, my skin wouldn't be an issue. I wouldn't constantly be annoyed by my expanding love handles. But why? What's the issue here really? Where's the drive and motivation?

I find the crappier I take care of myself, the more depressed and anti social I get. I am so anti social right now. I hate it. I love my new job, so I really like going into work. It's so great to be around two really inspiring people. I love it. It makes me want to take better care of myself and be a better person. But the days I spend laying around the house, not doing much of anything, I feel like crap.

I need some motivation! I'd love for my legs to look like what they could look like if I actually took care of myself. But more so, I'd love to figure out what prevents me from doing this in the first place. How can I possibly expect to find a healthy relationship with somebody that I want to love me, if I don't even love me enough?

When you don't fit in

I didn't fit in last night. My cousin is getting married and I went to his fiance's bachlorette party. She's 20 and so are her friends. I've never been around more dramatic people. It was annoying and I tried to fit in, but I just didn't.

Like people find like people. I mean, usually the people you are closest to are a lot like you. You have similar interests or similar personalities and things you admire about one another. It's interesting, you can tell a lot about someone when you meet their friends.

When you change, usually your friendships do too. Even if you don't know you're changing. It's hard sometimes. Things just don't fit like they used to and you can feel yourself distancing.

I feel myself distancing from some of my "friends" right now. It just seems too dramatic and chaotic and awkward to keep being close friends. It just doesn't fit anymore. What scares me, is that it did fit. So well. And I have to then ask myself and be honest with myself...what did I find in all the drama that I wanted to keep having it in my life?

I find life very interesting. I'm always being introspective and learning from relationships. I'll probably always be that way. But, what that does mean is a lot of change. A lot of finding what does and does not work for you, and sometimes you find out the hard way.

Sometimes, I just don't fit, and that's ok. When my friend gave us a ride back to my car, that was the most fun I had all night. Laughing and joking around. I fit. That felt good.

A question of wonder

It's Friday night and I just got done meditating. I'd normally surrender to the norm of friends and booze, but the budget does not allow at this moment. So, I'm forced to spend time with myself, and that can get interesting.

I started with smoking a bit of fun and proceeded to get jacked up on orange crush and chips ahoy cookies while watching the video of Matt and Stacy's wedding. Really? Yes really. I watched mine and Nate's toast and remembered the good times. I saw myself five years ago, a totally different person, but yet the same. I just hadn't really done any self examination and was pretty naive to the world. I was much prettier back then. 

I danced for a bit around the condo...clearly a byproduct of too much sugar and reduced inhibitions. I thought a lot about friendships. I thought a lot about the current ones in my life and which ones are reciprocal and which ones are not. I thought a lot about how I care for others who don't really care all that much about me...or at least don't or can't show it. I couldn't help but wonder...is it time to just get over myself? Who really matters and who doesn't?

During meditation, I kept having the reoccuring thought of  "Should I just laugh off everything, or should I feel things too?" I think the answer for me is balance. I can laugh off a lot. I can also feel a lot. But is the answer always to get over yourself? How do you communicate to others your feelings? Do you just keep these thoughts to yourself and not share them? What if people are sick of listening to you? I guess that's what I create for myself in my head. Nobody will really care or want to listen, and if I try to share, can I truly explain myself? My tongue always gets so tied when it comes to something real. 

I get tired of people having the same issues over and over. It's like get over yourself...but I can see that irritation I have with others is what is mirroring in me. Will I always want what I can't have? Will I always feel like I need to tell someone how I feel? Why can't it be enough for me to just have these thoughts and feelings to myself? Does anyone really give a shit anyway? 

I find myself caring less and less about people's issues and dramas and lives. Is this just my way of avoiding it in my own life? Probably. But I guess not dealing with anyone makes for quite a lonely life...or a lot of very superficial friendships.  Hmmmm. I feel like some of my friendships are fading fast and I can't save them. I feel like I'm the only one who actually cares about them or wants to do something about it. Maybe it's just a lot of wasted energy. Maybe I need to focus more on myself.

I know this feeling. This feeling of wiping the board clean and starting fresh.A sense of peace and balance and anticipation. I was in this mind frame almost a two years ago now when I first met Jordan. A perfect space that I was in, happy, fresh and full of anticipation... but that wasn't to last long. It lead me on this fascinating journey of true self discovery. It's coming around again....this feeling. This feeling of just being clear and ready for what's next. This feeling of drifting apart from others. I wonder who's going to be around the corner this time. 

Life's going to be changing dramatically for me in the next few weeks. Going from not working at all to having two jobs. Things are going to get interesting. I wonder if my life is being purged of certain people because they either don't fit anymore, or they just truly don't care about me. Connections come and go. I just hate it when they go. But I see the beauty in it, even if it hurts like hell. 

Sometimes when I'm just sitting here by myself, I wonder a lot about what it'd be like if certain things didn't happen. But they did. The thing is, I wonder if anybody else thinks about these things too? It's the little things that eat away at us inside. But I seriously still believe in True Love. I believe that nothing is totally impossible. How delusional am I? 

Technology is killing our relationships

Don't get me wrong. The Internet is a GREAT invention. You can find recipes, keep track of money markets, email friends and even send pictures to people you rarely get to see. It's a great way to keep in touch, however it seems to be increasingly common that it's the only way we keep in touch and I believe it's causing a huge shift in relationships.

When I was in high school, you had to CALL someone to hang out or ask them a question. Email was just starting to become popular, and for me, it was a great way to keep in touch with my friend Bekah, who was in school in Idaho. Now, I don't have to do that, because I can just check her facebook. Sad, but true. 

My sister's boyfriend recently broke up with her and she was more upset about what she saw on facebook then what actually happened. It was like her life was playing out online. I too, have fallen prey to that. "Oh, this is going on and his facebook says..." It's ridiculous. Instead of actually calling or talking to someone in person, just check their facebook status or their blog or whatever it is. You can always send a quick text instead of communicating with your voice. Hmmm.

The Internet is kind of like alcohol when it comes to relationships: You can hide behind your computer, it gives you a false sense of security and releases  more inhibitions. You can also get totally delusional about what people put on their personal websites.  I see it more so in the younger generation, because they have grown up with the Internet being more prominent in their lives.

It's easier to spend a Friday night surfing YouTube or Blogging than it is to actually live a real life. It's so easy to isolate yourself from your friendships because you have your computer friend. 15 years ago, this wasn't the case. I think the Internet is causing a shift in human relationships. It's sad. 

Why call someone to see how they are doing? You can check their blog, their facebook, their myspace, email them, or IM them. Screw the personal interaction...the world nowadays makes it too easy to not have to keep in touch. A hand written note is a rarity. It's dis-heartening.

I've thought about deleting all my Internet stuff, but then, who would keep in touch with me? I guess it'd be a good experiment. 

If we didn't have the Internet to entertain us, what would we do? I guess I would actually work out, spend time preparing nice meals, read more, call my friends, try out a new hobby like knitting or scrapbooking, take more pictures, have better conversations and less misunderstandings with people, and have a really clean condo. Those are just a few things off the top of my head. Imagine that. My life would be so much better and active...like I always claim I want it to be. But what's holding me back: Oh, I have to blog and sit on my ass for the next 45 minutes. It's too addicting. Sad, but true.

The Internet is like alcohol: Slowly killing our soul and body, but not really realizing it until it's too late. 

The Irony of Relationships

This weekend is my ten year high school reunion. Via the amazing internet, a lot of us have become reacquainted again on facebook. It's ironic that some of the people that caused me the most pain are now my friends. It's ironic that you just never know what will happen in life.

I'll NEVER forget the 8th grade dance. I was dating this guy Shaun all year, and to this day, he's my favorite boyfriend that I've ever had. It was so sweet and innocent and he cared about me so much. There were no games, no drama, no crappy sex. It just was what it was. Two people being honest and present with each other and loving every minute of it.  My grandma took me out to buy a special dress for the formal dance at the end of the year. Then, out of the blue, he broke up with me a week before the dance. I was devastated.

I found out a few days later that he was taking another girl. Jamie Martig. I hated them both. How could they do this to me? They were just going "as friends," but something told me that wasn't true.

The night of the dance they started "going out." To me, it was the end of the world. My poor little 14 year old heart was broken. I will never ever forget the pain of that. It hurt so badly and I cried all night. It was my first experience with that sort of pain and it was difficult. At that moment, I thought everything was over in my life. Of course, you grow up, you move on, you meet other people and you just kind of forget...or do you?

It's funny because Shaun and I went out on a date when he was home from his last leave from Iraq last winter. He's almost done with his time in the army and is moving back to Wisconsin. Jamie is now married and has adorable children and we are friends. Isn't that ironic? I don't know if anything will happen with Shaun and I. I just think it's ironic that the situation now is so much further from what I thought it would be in my 14 year old head. In my 14 year old head, they were married and were planning baby names.  You just never know what can happen...and who will be in your future.

I've gotten reacquainted with many friends that I was very close to in my younger years, but just lost touch. I see these girls becoming a part of my adult life and I'm very excited about it. It was like we each needed to explore and live for the past ten years, and it's ready to come back together, better than ever. Sometimes people just need space and need to grow apart. If they are meant to be in your life, it'll happen...even if it's ten years later.

I was the girl who was friends with everyone, but I did get my fair share of teasing and torture, just like everyone else. It's part of growing up. I remember when the new girl Emily moved here in 8th grade. She slapped this really "popular" guy because he was being a dick. I can't believe she did that, and I thought, "who is this girl who is standing up for herself like that?" We're still friends to this day...ironic and she still inspires me to stand up for myself.

Relationships are so interesting. We form these relationships because we NEED people. You can say that's not true over and over, but it simply is true. We need each other. Sometimes that changes forms or people...but we do need others. We can isolate ourselves, but that only lasts for so long. Human beings are meant to be social, thriving and happy creatures. 

Relationships can change. It can go from friendship to dating to nothing to really close friends to seeing each other a few times a year. Relationships are always changing. I just think it's so ironic that something that could make me so upset so many years ago is getting another chance for healing, and not only that, an opportunity for a new friendship with somebody I already know I love. 

Looking Back

Last summer I attended Middleton Player's performance of Caberet and was blown away by a performance by Ken Urso. I had never seen anything like it in community theater. As I stared at this man, I thought to myself, "Who IS this man, and why is he going to be so important to me?" I told my friend that I was with about it, and excitedly called him, when a few days later I found out I'd be attending massage school with Ken. Ken is now one of my dearest friends and we went through something incredible together at Tibia. I recently saw his performance again, this summer in Rocky Horror Picture Show, with Middleton Players. It was a "full circle" kind of moment for me. Again, blown away by his performace, but instead KNOWING why he was so important to me and enjoying his success and being so happy for him up there on stage. 

It's pretty much been that way with me for a long while. I can remember seeing a dragonfly pin on my grandmother at Christmas when I was 12, and thinking...what's it about dragonflies? Did I forget something. I remember hearing the song "Over the Moon" from RENT when I was in Winter Colorguard in college. It stuck in my head, again...the same feeling of...what IS that? It's interesting, but I vividly remember being exposed to something that's going to have meaning in my life. I usually know in the first few minutes of being around someone if they are someone I am to pursue a relationship of any kind with. I don't know how to explain that. It's just what is.

I wonder sometimes if we have this vague "blueprint" of what we are to do and enjoy in life and then we can fill in the blanks. I've been thinking about the creator of RENT today, Jonathan Larson. That show is incredible and he died opening night when it began to be successful. It was a freak heart condition. And, I can't help but wonder sometimes, did he just come here to put that out there, and then was able to just bail out, knowing his life's purpose was complete for this time around? The timing is too freaky. He created a cultural phenomena in musical theater, he created a show that has forever touched me. He created rich and intriguing characters that most of us can relate to people in our lives. He created a way to put his emotions into something somewhat tangible for the world to experience their own emotions with as well. It's amazing.

I wonder if we all have a life's purpose. I feel very on track with what I feel is mine: Creating a difference through energetic and bodywork. I feel very peaceful with that aspect of my life. It's the rest of the stuff that can get somewhat messy.

Looking back on this year, it's amazing all the changes that have occured. I experienced a huge transformation personally and witnessed it in 7 others as well. My classmates are incredible, and it will be so great to see what they do with their lives now that we are all out of school. 

I've realized I live a life of experience. I like to try new things and see what fits and what doesn't. If something doesn't fit for long term, it eventually falls away. I find this happening in my life with all the "New Age" stuff I was so into starting a few years ago. It's being replaced with my own intuition from myself and within, my experiences, my passions and my belief that God is everywhere. It's in you, in me, in the tree and the mountain. If the Universe was made by a few molecules colliding, then wouldn't it make sense that everything is connected not only scientifically but energetically? Nobody knows, but it's becoming less and less important.

I think the best "religion" that I can create for myself is being present. That's what fits right now. Whether listening to someone or writing or whatever I'm doing, if I'm fully present, it's pretty amazing to experience. I get up usually looking forward to the day and what is in store. When something is authentic, it creates a lot of space for wonderful possibilites. 

I'm always learning and experiencing: finding what works and what doesn't. And what works today may not always work tomorrow. What I do know is that when I meet eyes with someone and I get this interesting feeling of, "Who is this person?" I pay attention. Ken doesn't believe in God. I believe everything is God. It doesn't matter. We have this connection and we are important to each other. I so get the beauty in learning from each other. I can see that dynamic in so many of my relationships. 525,600 minutes. How did you measure your year?

Super Whiny Face Today

I think I've come to a point of integration. Maybe integration isn't the right word. Maybe I'll come across the right word sooner or later.

When do you draw the line of laughing it all off or taking something seriously? If you are upset, and you hurt, should you just laugh about it? But when you can look at it later and it's funny, then why were you so serious in the first place?

Humans are weird. We all are just weird and have our quirks and our learned behaviors and we are always changing and fitting in and then not fitting in and everything is in this big continuous flow.  What's interesting is to recognize our patterns; rather our ways of being that once served us in some way, but are now hazardous to our future and our present.

The easiest example is love. Everyone has been hurt in love. It's just a rite of passage. Some have been hurt more than others. When your sister takes off with your husband, that's going to sting a little more than your high school sweetheart leaving for college. My point is, we learn a behavior that we associate with love, because of the strong emotions attached, even if we don't realize consciously we are doing it. 

So, the learned behavior is "Love hurts me." We protect ourselves. When someone new comes along and we think we are healed and can begin again, we run away. Or can't open up. Because love hurts. But we are basing our present on our past. And there is nothing you can do to change that except to heal it for yourself. It doesn't matter if you date one or one hundred people, if that is still there that "love hurts" it's going to keep hurting you, and you will keep attracting that idea in. 

If you start to heal these things and behaviors, you start to transform. You will attract new people into your life, and guess what? Love can be amazing. But it won't be amazing until you feel for yourself that you are amazing. Easy example right?

Complications. Patterns can be learned very early on. I have an issue with not being able to say how I feel. It doesn't necessarily matter how or when it started...because blame doesn't do anything. I've done a lot of healing around that issue, and my relationship with my mother, but I've still got this hurt and scared part of me that gets so upset and defensive when I'm teased or challenged in a way that I don't know how to respond to. Most of the time, it's fine....I have a great sense of humor and can give it right back. But when you really care about someone and what they think, it can hurt. But it really  has nothing to do with this person now, it's from the past. Because I've learned that "Every time you speak what you feel, you're going to get hurt" I get frustrated and upset when I'm trying to express something and it comes out all wrong. 

I know where it stems from and it's very deep and from very early in life. In fact, I can almost pinpoint the exact year it started happening. So my question is this...does it really matter? Should I just give it up and laugh about it? I've been working so much on it, but the feelings are there and they are real. So how can you back up from it and still stay present? It's just like the love example...Love Hurts....so I'm backing out of it. 

It's interesting. Humans. We say so much that we want connection with others, but we do so much to isolate ourselves. I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who moved out east. She started dating a guy there and found the relationship to be emotionally lacking. He says that "Out there, we don't talk about anything real." Maybe I'm unique and she's unique, but I doubt that when it comes to talking about something of substance. This kind of stuff makes people suffer. It's what keeps us from accomplishing our goals and dreams or even from setting them in the first place. All because from something in your past that has nothing to do with the present moment. Some would call it insanity, but in fact, it's part of everyone's life.

It takes a lot to admit that I have issues with speaking and anger. I guess I'm glad that I have people I can express these things to and most often, not be judged. I've come a long way. I feel like I'm very close to getting under the last layer of this. One thing I know for a fact: I'm never going to scream at my children to shut up, hit them, or threaten them. I know I will never scare them into doing things so everything is based on fear, nor will I be so financially out of control that my children don't get to participate in a lot of things. I also have forgiven. But I have learned. 

I think it's time to laugh it off and have some fun. On a much better note...after two years of searching, I finally found orange sparkly pillows for my couch. VICTORY!

The complications of the human heart

Yes, this blog will mainly be about me being a judgemental biatch, because that's how I feel right now. The topic of the day: romantic relationships and how they are so completely messed up and so completely similar for me and each one of my siblings.

Recently while comforting my sister from her recent break up from her first love with Glass Nickel Pizza and sad movies, we had a striking conversation. Each one of us siblings has issues with relationships. Big issues. Issues that I've worked this whole last year on healing and still have a ways to go. Now, what do we all have in common...hmmmm...our parents! It's amazing how a person is raised can absolutely contribute to how they are in their adult life. Once you reach adulthood, it's your responsibility to heal these issues, however, it's hard not to blame...which is what I want to do right now.

Not one of us has ever had the "upper hand." What about common ground? Trust? Creating a relationship in love and each other? We've always been attracted to people who end up being totally emotionally unavailable and we keep trying and trying, but of course it never works.  When someone shows up who is GREAT for us, we run the opposite direction. We get stuck in these patterns, I've watched it in each and every one of us. 

I've learned that people will unconsciously attract to them what they need to heal. I've seen people who aren't ready for another relationship yet because of unresolved past issues keep being attracted to unavailable women, I've seen people who aren't emotionally available or stuck or blocked in their lives attract the same kinds of people, I've seen women who are so desperate to be loved, they will date anyone. This stuff happens all the time...but when you are "in" it, you usually can't or won't see it. It all stems from within yourself and healing what's there. 

So how do you heal this stuff? It's different for everyone. Sometimes I get to these points, like how I'm feeling now and think "What the fuck have I been doing? Has anything worked? What am I suppossed to do?" But I realize that awareness is the first step and being aware and being honest about it is very difficult to do sometimes.

I want my siblings and I to have great, beautiful, meaningful relationships with people who are good for us and care about us unconditionally. I think about how we've all grown up and become our own person, but how we each have this very delicate, fragile and harmful aspect of ourselves from our experiences of growing up. 

It's been difficult, seeing my old classmates recently and most are married or engaged or in serious relationships. I've been there before....my ex boyfriend had even bought the ring. I'm on this adventure that wasn't suppossed to happen. I guess you can't plan life. And you have to do the best with what you know, what you are shown and learn from your experiences. I hate this circle. It's like an onion, layers and layers, each one more painful than the last. Maybe I should just throw the damn onion away, drink a lot, do a lot of theater, do a lot of pot, and listen to a lot of techno. That worked for me for awhile. But now with all the vices removed...there is just me. And I'm done with all my committments on Sunday. And I feel like right now, I have no idea what I'm doing. I forgot something along the way. What the hell was it?  I hate being a prisoner of my own making. 

A Never Ending Fairytale

I met a dragon who showed me a mirror. My reflection stunned me-who had I become? Dazzling illusions of superficial energetics emerged, cords deeper than I could have imagined.

The dragon calmed my soul with his curious eyes, but my reflection back was too much for this time around. Saturated with my own tears of self-denial, we were frozen in time. Paralyzed. A free fall of trust would need to be present. It wasn't so. 

I next met a mermaid who swam in my pain. Sea-green eyes of love and trust buried behind years of self-denied intuition. A perfect reflection on this karmic journey. A contracted relationship of insight and self awareness. She rides away on seahorses and I glide around on dragonflies. We understand. 

I opened up what I had locked away so very tightly. I opened my heart to myself, breaking down my self imposed prisons of mirrors and chains. I step into uncertainty with a smile, very familiar with it's burn. 

I gaze at the moon in wonder and feel my wholeness. I reflect on the journey thus far-thanking the dragon for his arrival. He's my best teacher. He probably doesn' t know I feel this way. He will now. It's from the ash that the pheonix will rise.

I see my actions clearly-as I have been chosen to be the mirror for a new character, Mr. Uncertain.  I see through his facade of this reflection of himself. It's a way that I had previously known myself-that's why it's so easy to see. 

It's a sickening compassion and I see him clearly-but he doesn't see me. He sees and believes in my illusion-that somehow I will make him complete. I will somehow validate his existence and pain. He's about to embark on his greatest voyage over the roughest waters he has known-his own heart. How very unsafe and scary it feels to find the doors to your own heart. But until you do, how can you possibly know what you have to share with another, if you don't know your own?

One last look at the moon assures me he will find his way. Seven years of friendship may be lost, but change is always happening. 

I stand in my own now. I stand in my heart and in my center. I bathe in the light of clear uncertainty of the path ahead. Nothing matters. My own breath is felt. I live and I wait for the eyes that match mine-knowing the moment of seeing them for the very first time is soon to come. It is not important anymore. Nothing really is. 

The daisies on my balcony have closed for rest for the night. I too shall fall away into slumber. I'll embrace my dragon, swim with my mermaid, and dance with Mr. Uncertain. They are all reflections of myself, all parts of me too, all beings to be loved. 

One. Simple. Trust. Sleep-it's time to wake up. Time's up. 

Love/Infatuation/Obsession/WTF

Seriously, what makes somebody so attractive to another? Of course there's the physical, there's usually some emotional component too. But what happens when somebody wants to be with you so badly and you just aren't having it?

I feel like I'm in this weird malfunction. The romantic feelings just aren't there for me. I thought they were for a little bit, but when I really had time to sit with it, it was really just the fact that he was genuine, compassionate, real and caring....something I'm really not used to in men that I date. (THAT is going to change, time to be picky.) I'm slowly realizing my worth and what I can offer in a relationship. I need somebody who is present, loves himself and has space for me too. This guy doesn't love himself. And that's becoming more and more obvious as the days go on.

Our friendship has become awkward and his myspace and facebook (seriously, who INVENTED this crap...it's enough to make somebody crazy) statuses are usually something about me. I know he's lost his mind over a girl before, but I really don't want him to lose it over me. He's a great guy, it's just that there isn't that chemistry. That seriously-I-can't-keep-my-hands-off-of-you chemistry. That's a groundrule for me. I have to have that. 

So what now, do I lose years of friendship because of this? I feel so very awkward about it. It's not even the "we're great friends and attracted to each other and there is something there" and we can flirt and have fun. Nope, it's not like that. It's becoming increasingly obvious to me that he could possibly be losing his shit over me. Over me??? Seriously!! Clearly, I don't love myself enough either to think that it's even possible.

So what makes us feel the way we do? Is it because we are attracted to what we emotionally can't provide for ourselves? Are we attracted to the same "kind" of person, where their emotions mirror our internal ones? Is it sometimes purely chemical? Why do some people become almost an obsession to us? 

I think it's best to usually look inward when this stuff comes up. At first I felt guilty, but I know I have no responsibility for how somebody choses to live his life and handle his emotions.  Maybe he needed to lose his shit for awhile and I was just a trigger for it. Just because someone doesn't want to be with you, doesn't mean you suck at life. Hmm...I should take my own advice.