The day everything changed

When new patients come into the chiropractor's office where I work, they are required to fill out a health history intake form. Mostly, the questions have to do with pain. What kind of pain, where the pain is located, what happened to cause the pain..... I think about it like that and try to answer, how can I compartmentalize my pain in a bunch of small boxes to check today?

Today, the pain was sudden. It was intense. It was a burning, stabbing pain in my solar plexus. It was a headache pain...the pain you get when you do everything you can to keep your tears from flowing down your face. The kind of pain where you are planning on saying goodbye to someone, and then, the pain comes out of nowhere. It's an unexpected pain. A pain I didn't even know was truly there until it was palpated.

Previous is was a dull aching pain right in my heart. A pain that I knew I couldn't let go, and yet I couldn't move on with my life either. It's sadness. It's the worst kind of sadness and loneliness you can experience. Being a stranger to yourself in a life that has been so familiar for the past two years.

1998-Moving away from home to attend UWGB, truly ending the cycle of BLBJ...yes, the fab four actually had a acronym we were so tight.
2000-The first break-up with Dan. I should have kept it that way, but I needed to learn. I needed to grow.
2002-Meeting Kevin, prompting saying goodbye to the type of man I previously settled for.
2004-Chad and Dennis. The absolute loves of my life at the time. But, you choose what you choose.
2006-Derek-I was good enough to keep around for fun, but he was dating someone else...and didn't tell me.
2009 (ok, so a few more months to the two year time period)-the transition to a new way of friendship with two people, the dragon and the mermaid...

The sadness sometimes is almost unbearable...knowing that these fantastic people come into my life, and then, like everything, it has it's own cycle. It has it's own time-line that I can't control....and it's ok. Sometimes people fit, sometimes they don't, sometimes it changes. The thing that gives me comfort is that nothing is ever destroyed, it just changes form.

I feel like I broke up with someone today, which is kind of ridiculous because A. We're both straight, and B. We were never dating....but it feels the same emotionally nonetheless. It's just that, I feel, we get it. We understand. And it will be ok. It will take some adjustment not seeing her blond hair everywhere anymore and the fear that the connection we had will never be the same. The truth is, we all met when we needed each other. So badly. The mermaid, the dragon, and I.
I feel like I said goodbye to both on the same day, exiting as quickly as they entered. Like a Divine Intervention of sorts. But maybe it wasn't. I think I wanted it to be special. But the truth is, it really was extraordinary. It ripped open the next layer or my journey, and I wouldn't be the same without them. It's true. I'm so blessed for the experience.

I hope that it doesn't end, but I know that it won't be the same. I thought I was really over it, but judging by the instantaneous tears that formed while eating lunch, it was clear to me I wasn't. What's interesting is that I realize why I reacted to all the things we've been through the way I have. I feel complete with that part of it. So, why the tears? I think it was the knowing, the general sense of what the dragon and mermaid meant to me was changing, and may just disappear. Life is full or surprises, of beginnings and endings. It's a constant cycle and change, sometimes you fit, sometimes you don't. I had felt that feeling before with Jessie. We needed our year apart to grow together again. It's a sad, sad feeling. But it's a feeling that in hindsight, you know this is the best day ever.

It's true that time heals everything, however you can't speed it up. You just have to be with it, make it your friend. Sometimes I feel like I feel emotions so much stronger than the average person, that I love too hard and I put myself out there way too much. I just hope I made a difference.

I think back to the moment I saw that black and white picture. And I knew, I had to know him. I'm sad I didn't get to know him and find all the secrets behind his eyes, and enjoy all the things that make him uniquely him. I wish I'd be given the chance...but it wasn't mine to have then. I met him at a time I needed him and I loved him before I even met him. And it's a love that stands out of time. It just is. It's a love that transcends romance and friendship, it's just what it is. And I'm happy for him that he's able to open up to someone. His happiness is important to me....I just don't need to be the reason for it. A part of me wonders if I wouldn't have told him to audition for Madison theater, if he ever would have...if he would be doing what he's doing now. But it is neither here, nor there. It just is. I understand this. I realize his role on this stage. I just hope I made a difference.

I think back to moment he brought her to the red party. Banged up and defeated, she needed me, and I her. What resulted was one of the best friendships I have known. Someone who seemed to really understand. We all needed each other so much. To live, to learn, to grow. And I know she's able to swim away strong, passionate and whole. And I love her. It's a love that stands out of time, and we both get that. I told her we didn't need to go over what the past two years meant, because we don't. We both just know. It goes without saying. It's so hard when your life kicks you out....but it's just because you're forced to move on to what's next. Even when you don't want to...even when you know it's the best thing. Even when you feel like it's all just a strange dream.

I'll always look back at this time as the years of healing. How I transformed into a dragonfly...and how I'm finally comfortable with saying that. Because she and I are one in the same...we were never meant to belong or stay anywhere...we just glide and flutter and find people when they need us. That's just how it works. I can tell myself that nothing changed to day, but the truth is, everything has.

In the story that I will tell my children of how I found their father, I will talk about this day. And hopefully "Aunt Sarah" and "Uncle Jordan" will be around to hear it.

I hope these amazing people stay in my life, but today everything changed...and it's probably for the better. I love them both. They are people I will always do anything for, answer any 3 am call from and probably give a kidney for. However, I will not eat coconut for them. I draw the line there. This is the day that the next chapter starts...and it's ok. I am strong. I remember "this" night two years ago. The next day, my dragonfly showed up right on my porch screen.

The two things that stand out so much right now are the night by the lake, hearing his life story and the night we tried to watch Batman, but instead had to watch Dragonfly...where I heard hers. I hope, someday, when I am wherever I am, and they tell their life story to someone else, that I at least get an honorable mention.

I don't know what's next. But my life here doesn't fit anymore. I feel this constant and incessant tug at my heart strings to spread my wings and fly. Africa? Dubai? California? I don't know...but what I do know is I was born in this world to make a difference....and that's what I'll spend the rest of my life doing. I'm sure there will be many more 2 year cycles, or perhaps one day, it will break. People will show up and inspire you, love you, break you, and teach you. People will come and go, people will change. But love remains the same.

Excuse me while I re-program my brain....

For the past oh, probably two and a half years now, I've been on the road to self-discovery and personal growth and awareness. I've laughed, I've cried, I've thrown things and I've felt so many things. I had a breakthrough the other day, and it has nothing to do with spirituality.

FACT: (I've been watching wayyy too much of the office lately) I've been trying to make myself happy by fixing every external circumstance that I knew how. I understood the concept that you have to "change" what's on the inside for that to reflect in your outer world, but I didn't truly know how to practice it or apply it to my mind. I tried meditating, I tried praying, I tried dieting, I tried exercise...nothing was making a lasting difference that lasted long. Sure, I'd have breakthroughs and inspirations, but then I'd eventually fall back into my old ways of being. In these moments of inspiration I'd run around like a crazy woman trying to convince everyone I loved that this was the way to be, because I was so elated. When I find something that works, I want to share it with everyone.

But then I would fall back into this weird space of self-doubt, anxiety, and uncomfortability. Whyyyy would I keep doing this? Because that's how I have allowed my brain to be programmed.

Dr. Rob gave me this book to read that a lot of chiropractors read to clear out their own personal junk to build a successful practice. I started reading it and I was blown away. It was all the stuff I had read about in spiritual books and things of that nature, but the difference was that this was all science based. When you talk about right and left brain activity and the way the subconscious mind works, you literally program and re-program yourself. It's like you are a little computer and you can program your reality.

For example, Say you were in a relationship that broke your heart. Subconsciously, you are telling yourself that you have a broken heart. Your left brain is going to deliver you situations that break your heart until you have re-programmed yourself to be open and receptive to love. It's all based on your perception. So, if you meet someone wonderful and open to love and you are subconsciously putting out there that you are broken, what do you think will happen? Since your command center has experienced that "high" of love before and then got hurt, your autonomic system will say to you, "this is how it happened before, you know no other way of being, you will get hurt." It has NOTHING to do with anything but how you have programmed yourself into being.

I have realized that my brain has been programmed by many external forces, like many of us. Our parents, teachers, experiences, etc program us to be how we are today. But we CAN change it. It just takes practice and dedication...and it's proven. Maybe this isn't all a spiritual experience after all...maybe it's just what is. Maybe it's just how the human mind works....but my question is...where does it all come from? If we are all part of a big bang or something created us, then wouldn't we all be interconnected anyway? We'd have the same molecular formations and energy inside of us?

I've realized that I've allowed myself to be programmed so much, mostly by my parents. But what they say and think just isn't TRUE! But I believe it. Take a moment and think of all the times someone has said something about you and you've taken it to be true....

It's like I've been an actor these past few years, trying to find somewhere that I fit and belong....because that's what I believe about myself. That I don't belong, and boy does my left brain find me evidence for that. So, the answer is not going around trying to find someone to love me, or something to belong to, it's actually about going with-in and re-training my brain to believe I belong. The mind doesn't know the difference between something real and something vividly imagined. I feel this is why some people can lose their mind...which brings me to my next point....

Since working at Pro-Health I've just had a ridiculous amount of coincidences....the other day, Dr. Rob and I were talking about parallel universes. Now, mind you, this is coming from a man who has more science and medical training that your family physician probably does. We were talking about it and then that night, I went to a friends house and there was a show on about it. Then I went to my parents house last night and my sister tells me she and Sonny were talking about it at that same time. WTF? How does this happen? It's wayyyy to coincidental...and then I thought...well, wouldn't I just be bringing that experience to me because that's what I'm focused on? If we can truly reprogram our minds, we are capable of unbelievable possibilities. Anway, Dr. Rob thinks that you might be able to subconsciously experience a parallel universe and yeah, that can make someone lose their mind. It's cool to think about.... I'm not sure what I think about it yet, but there are some very good evidence based cases out there.

Anyway, I think it's amazing. I feel like I have this missing peice of the pie. You create your own reality by what you believe about yourself and your environment. It's really all about the internal networking and programming we have. You can't make a mac run windows without the proper software...so how could you expect someone who doesn't know that they don't know to do what's out of their perspective? They need a software update.

It's easy to see why actors become their characters....when the brain doesn't know the difference between a vivid imagination and real life, it gets confused? So...is that why Brad Pitt takes off with Angelina Jolie? Is it why Heath Ledger went nuts?? Could be, might not be...but interesting to think about. Do people that spend that much time in another character have any idea of what is them and what is the character? Maybe that's why some people are so great at it...they never spend time being themselves. Is that why Britney Spears went crazy? How can you separate that in the brain?

I've been acting like a victim, like the light got sucked out of me. Like life isn't fair. That's what my parents taught me. Well, no more. I understand the science behind this and I'm determined to do the work so that I catch myself every time I fall and I replace the old way of thinking with new affirmations. It can be taught. It can be done. Who knows, I might already have done this on a parallel universe! ;)But you know, if you can get out of your left brain....why is it that we have this spark and connection and things we can't explain about how we connect with others? Are we living a different life on a different plane and the only thing keeping us unaware of it is our brain? Or is it Divine Intervention? Or Batman?

I think what will make me an excellent doctor in about 6 years is that I will help create possibilities for my patients that they haven't even thought of yet.

Reflections on Johnson Road

There are times when I feel like I might feel things more deeply than
most humans. Or perhaps it's that I find things to be more than their
face value. Almost like making something into a diamond when it should
just stay a plain river rock. It's the value and the worth we place on
people, events, places and memories that marks our hearts. I find it is
the worth we place on ourselves is the one that we put as little face
value on as possible sometimes.

The evening started with having
some very proud moments as I watched my sister sing and dance on stage.
She looked at home up there. There is truly nothing better than
watching someone you love do something great. I remembered her as a
little girl-getting into my things, stealing my make up and jewelry.
I'd get so angry with her, but truly, she just wanted to be like me.
She wanted to sing and dance like me. I didn't realize that at the time
though. My sister has grown into an amazing young woman, and I couldn't
be more proud of her. That's generally a pretty good way to start off
your evening. I fell into infatuation with a young man that sang for
theMadhatters. Men who can sing. Ugh, just pick my jaw up off the floor now.

We drove up to Baraboo,
my kindred spirits and I. The ride was filled with witty sarcasm and
laughter as we taught Sarah to pump gas for the first time. We arrived
inBaraboo only to come face to face with the man that had let her down
the day before. Coincidence? No. Out of any place he could possibly be,
he was there at the same time we arrived. That doesn't just happen. It
was meant to happen so words could be exchanged for clearing and
resolution. That was the start of our interesting night inBaraboo.

I
had a strange conversation with my friend that we drove up to meet. It
was one of those awkward conversations where more was not said that
actually said. I stared into glazed over eyes of fatigue and something
else I couldn't quite grasp as I stumbled over myself to make small
talk with someone I really want to just bare my soul to. I've had
friendships that have changed and died and rekindled and all sorts of
things. But I've never had an experience of talking with someone where
I just didn't know what to say with my words. I wanted to say something
impressive or interesting so that things could just beok . He
acknowledged the awkwardness too. I was drawn into a memory of sitting
by the water last year as he told me his life story. I had sat and
listened to this man, not really offering much advice or knowing what
to say. I just knew that I loved listening to him. I just knew that I
would love him forever. There are a lot of people I can honestly say
that about, and for that, I feel blessed. Even when things change. Even
when you don't know what the hell you are doing. We are all dying
inside for connection, even when we isolate ourselves from the world.
The truth is I miss him. The truth is, we all do. We only see him on
rare occasions. This is what I mean about value.

I listened as
two other friends of mine shared about the troubles they are having in
their friendship. They have been friends since they've been in
kindergarten. That's a lot of years of ups and downs. I was deeply
saddened that they were having troubles, but I also know that our most
meaningful relationships are the ones that force us to look at our
"junk." And right now, they are both doing that very well. I know
things will get better and work themselves out. It just hurts to be in
that place of, "I can't deal with it anymore, but I miss her." Enough
said.

The night took the best unexpected turn ever when we
decided to take a bottle of Brandy from my friends' parents house and
go to the park and drink. Really? Yes, really. I love being around the
free spirit of laughter and energy. And nobody really does that better
than Graham. From the outside looking in, one would think he isn't as
wise as some. I beg to differ that he is wiser than all of us.

We
went to the park and sat by the water. We enjoyed laughter and banter
and wittiness and all sorts of enjoyment. It felt magical. The nights
of unexpected adventures are what I live for. The unpredictability of
the perfect day. I took it all in and it was amazing. Here I was, with
four people I had not known two years earlier, enjoying myself and
enjoying the profoundness of the ebb and flow of life. You never know
where life is going to take you or what will happen. I didn't think my
life would take me to a park inBaraboo at 3 am when I was 28 years old. The beauty and the uncertainty of the unknown was palpable to me at that moment.

A
beautiful stag entered the park and made itself known under the sky. It
sat there and stared at us. It was significant. Another argued that it
was not. The thing is, it was significant to me. Nobody else can say
that except for myself. It just might not have meant anything to him.
That's the difference of perception and our experience of the world. I
felt the awe inspiringconnectedness with the Universe and nature in
that wonderful moment. The feeling of being out of time and able to
just be. It was wonderful. And here we are at value again. The question
being, how much value do you put on the moments in your life? Are the
significant or do they just all pass by in a blur? I wanted to lay on
the grass in that park with those people forever. But, it was really
cold outside.

We then decided to go to the land where my friends' house had burned down. I watched as my two friends recalled their child
hood memories of that home and I could picture myself watching the
younger versions of them in that home. I received a new awareness of
them as people, how they are the way they are by the events of their
lives. By their interactions and different personalities and how they
deal with the world. I had a new appreciation for them both. It's
always great to see something or someone in a new light or new
perception.

The bottle of Brandy was passed to me and I heard,
"Come on J, take a drink." I was frozen in that moment as I was taken
back to the original giver of that nickname for me. It was just the way
Graham said my name. Of course, then I was made fun of for thinking
that had any meaning. But it's not like I heard him saying "R" or "S"
for Ray or Sarah. Of course it had no meaning to anyone but me, because
nobody else has been in my shoes. Nobody else has heard the way that
Ben used to call me J, and how Graham had just said it in that exact
same mannerism. It was like a moment that connected my past to my
present. It's in those moments that I appreciate what I'm doing even
more. It's those moments that make me realize I'm exactly as I should
be. It's in those moments that if Jordan's around to make fun of me I
want to hit him, but really I don't. Really I just want him to feel
something like I just felt in his own life. It's because I care about
him that I get so fired up. If I didn't, I wouldn't care to even
respond. I see how easily his brother understands this. I think about
the fact that I wouldn't be on this land having this moment if it
wasn't for Jordan. And I appreciate him even more. How do you find the
words to express that? I guess I just did.

I walked away from
the group for a moment of solitude with the sky. Unfortunately the
skies were cloudy and no stars were visible, but it was still nice to
look up at it. It's so humbling and wonderful to feel inner peace
within your own being. I was filled with so much gratitude for a night
like this. I used to have nights like this with Ben all the time. I'm
glad to have nights like this again. The value of this is priceless to
me. But, I may take it for more than face value. For one, it might just
be a night of nothing special, a night that just happens. For me, it's
a night of meaning, a night of love, a night of appreciation and a
night of hope that there are better days to come. Any night that your
stilettos are covered in forest matter when you get home is a
significant night.

As I watch the snow swirl around outside
right now, I think of another winter to get ready to hibernate. Based
on the past, I usually do this. But maybe this winter could be
different. It's all a matter of perception. Sometimes, I think I feel
more deeply than the average person. That I can make anything mean
something. But, it's what I do. It's who I am. And I think it makes
some people in my life love and appreciate me more. And, it makes some
people in my life just want to make fun of me and think I'm ridiculous.
It's all a matter of perceptions. And perceptions change every day.

I've done my time
looking back on it all
then it blows my mind,
I don't do sadness
so been there.
Don't do sadness
just don't care.

Sure, when it’s autumn
Wind always wants to
Creep up and haunt you
Whistlin’ it’s got you
With its heartache, with its sorrow
Winter wind sings and it cries.

Inspiration in one car ride

Yesterday I went to my first myofascial release study group. It's a group of advanced myofascial release practitioners in the wisconsin area to get together and practice and study and research. I'm just a beginner, but I found myself being invited to join the group and I thought, wow, that's really cool.

I drove up with two of the women in my class at Tibia, Gina and Sue. They are both women in their early 60's, that had just started the path to self discovery a few years ago. They are lovely, caring women with a ton of temper and a ton of sass. Funny, dynamic, awesome women who tell it like it is. It's funny how life delivers people into your life sometimes. Who would of though I wouldn't rather be doing anything else on my weekends than hanging out with a couple of 60 plus year olds!

I listened as they talked about their troubles with dating and men and relationships. I listened as they talked about their "children" and what they are up to. They ask me about my life and get so excited for me when they hear about new things going on for me. Then Sue said....

"You know Jess, when you sang that day in class, I felt deprived. I felt like we had all missed out on something that whole year from you by keeping that inside of you. I wished I could have heard you sing all year."

I kind of felt like saying, "ummm hello...that's what I needed to heal within myself. My voice had gotten stuck...didn't you just go through a year of supporting me with that?" But you know, she's older, so she can forget. I just said, "Well, that's what I needed to heal Sue. I couldn't have sang for you because I didn't know it was inside of me."

I told them about my voice lessons and the possibility of being part of a recording for aspiring music writers and Dragonfly Wellness and the triumphs and struggles financially and business wise. I told them about things that happened in Intuitive Guidance Class. I told them of friendships of my life coming and going. I talked about my vision for Dragonfly. They, of course, were so excited.
Gina said...

"Your life could go in so many different directions. You have the singing, the business, and your whole life ahead of you. Don't get married."

I think this is about the sixth time I have heard, "Don't get married in the past few weeks." It's so very interesting.

I thought about all that went on in that car ride. And I thought to myself, "Isn't it a shame I held that part of myself back from people I love because I was scared. It's sad when people don't realize their inner light and their ability to heal and inspire others with their actions and who they are being." I thought about this for a long time. We dis-empower others when we do it to ourselves.

I thought about how much I push and push and push people to see their inner light. I drive people away because I make them actually feel something. It's so much easier to pretend you feel nothing and go back to suffering. It's what is familiar. I do it to myself.

I don't want to deprive people anymore. I want to keep on shining. I think of all the people in my life who were once very close to me and are not anymore. I wonder, are we done learning from each other now? It saddens me greatly. But I have to let go. It's impossible to keep on trying to make someone be a part of your life when they clearly do not want to be. It keeps you from missing out on all the amazing people that do want to be a part of your life. Sometimes you don't know the bigger picture...if there is even a bigger picture of all.

I saw myself. I saw myself with long, wavy, dark hair. I saw the golden letters "Dragonfly Wellness" on the back wall behind the reception area. I saw my sister, who was probably college age working behind the desk. I had a nose piercing and was more in shape. I saw this brief future flash of possibility...and that's what I'm going to be focusing on now. That is what I was meant to do. My life's work. A little dragonfly told me that years ago, and now it's finally starting to happen.....

I hope this works. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Please Work. Please Work.

On Wednesday, I'm getting my first laser treatment done for my skin. I'm so hoping that it finally kills all the acne bacteria and releases me from the torment of self loathing that my skin condition encompasses on a daily basis.

I was looking at old pictures that my mom has so 'lovingly' put up on facebook. It's weird because I didn't have skin issues in my younger teenage years when most people do. My problems started around the age of 21...the first year that I can observe looking back that I truly started hating myself.

I was 21 and living with my three friends Stacy, Maryanne and Jess. I was a junior in college and had no clue about what I wanted to do. I had recently sung the national anthem at the Kohl Center and got carried away by all the media attention. I had always been a great writer (or so my high school teachers say) so I thought, "I'll be a journalist." I don't think I could have picked something farther from who I was, but my ego loved it.

The guy I was interested in tried to commit suicide on my 21st birthday. So, not only was he clearly not ready for any sort of relationship whatsoever, he also picked my most important birthday to date to attempt the deed. At the time, it was the most horrible night that had ever happened. Looking back, I realize how ridiculously stupid I was to date someone that was so emotionally dead. But we started dating. Oh good. Perfect. I cant' believe I hated myself so much to not even get it.

I started picking up the pieces for this man. I breathed for him, because I knew if I didn't, he'd stop. He would be dead today if it wasn't for me. I realized that I have a habit of coming into people's lives when they need me. It's usually some kind of a big crisis. It's oddly strange, yet I guess, necessary. What I didn't realize is that I could have left him alone after that. But I kept trying. And trying.

My skin kept getting worse. I kept getting more frustrated. I kept gaining weight because I was working on my movie and would be up for 36 hours editing. I didn't take care of myself at all. I stopped working out, which was incredibly unfortunate because I had been in such good shape. 5'9" and 145 and yoga-toned ain't too shabby for a Wisconsin girl. I let myself creep up to almost 170, saturating myself and numbing myself with food and Dan. I took care of that man. I'm the one who had to call his family when he tried suicide again. I'm the one who constantly worried that this day he wouldn't make it. If I had only known then that it was all for attention. Some people are so incredibly fucked up.

The man who changed my life showed up for me. His name was Kevin. It was like some weird, strange "knowing" when I met him. He's really one of the first people I got that "I've known you from before" vibe from. He was in a long term relationship as well, and I think deep down, both of us knew we weren't leaving them. We clicked. We laughed uncontrollably together. He was the funniest person I knew besides Nate and incredibly handsome. We were talking one night and he started singing this song he had made up for me. It was hilarious. And in my head I kept hearing, "Dan's not for you, he's just not for you."

Nothing ever became between Kevin and I. We had a moment where we almost kissed, but it's not to be in this lifetime. The role he played for me showed me that there were so many better things out there in life. That I shouldn't settle just because it's comfortable. I wanted someone to inspire me and to laugh with me. Dan did none of those things. Kevin represented everything I was missing.

The night before graduation, I knew it was the very last night that Dan and I would ever spend together. I just lost it. I cried and cried, and I couldn't explain to him why. I had realized something that was a long time coming was about to occur. This could have been the beginning of realizing I had amazing intuition, but who knows. I was a different girl back then. I cried for two hours. Who does that? Certainly not me. I couldn't stop. I realized I had to take a step forward, but I had no idea how to do that. Dan was all I had known, because I had lost myself in absorption into his life. I had nothing left that was mine, or so it seemed.

The next day it was graduation day. We dressed in our gowns and got ready to meet our parents. It was so awkward, hanging out with our parents, with me knowing in my heart this was going to end probably that night. I went to go get in line for my diploma and low and behold, there was Kevin, smiling that amazing smile of his. I smiled back and he came up to me and we joked and laughed and hugged. And I realized....I had my smile. I had me, even if I had to find my way back one step at a time. That was the last time I saw Kevin. I would love to cross paths with him someday. I know he married his girlfriend. I would like to thank him for saving my life.

Dan broke up with me that night. A week later, he was wanting me back. Dan never ever did anything romantic or nice for me. Stacy's fiancee at the time bought me roses for Valentines because Dan forgot. Unfortunately Dan didn't get the message in time, so he was very confused when I called to thank him for the roses. Yup. Great boyfriend huh? And it's not even really about the roses, it's more so about the consideration and lack of it that he had. No respect for me, my time or who I was. Nothing. He was the guy that said he'd call at ten and he'd call at 1 am. He was the guy who would say he was going up with me for a weekend away and then I find out he never intended to in the first place after I had made plans to go. He was the guy who had money, but didn't get me anything for holidays or birthdays and I was in debt up to my ears in student loans, but always found something special for him. The night that Dan asked for me back, he wrote me a "poem." Mind you, it was full of wrongly spelled words and bad punctuation. It was a rip-off from the movie, Ten Things I Hate About You. I realized then and there, that I deserved better. I left.

I called my friend Fiver on the way home in tears. I asked him if I had done the right thing. Actually, I didn't ask him, I just told him to tell me I did the right thing so I wouldn't turn around and drive back. He told me I did the right thing. That summer, I had the best time I had had in years. My skin started to look a lot better, but yet, I still had the scars.

I started working at American and met the man that would ruin my life. He was married, but neglected to tell me he intended to still stay married and instead told me he was in the process of divorce. It was fast and it was chaotic, but I felt he was my soul mate. My skin had never looked worse. The scars I have on my cheeks today are from those months. It was awful. Just awful. When he sent me an EMAIL saying that he decided indeed to stay with his wife and they were moving away, I died a bit inside. I'm not the type of person to fall for a married man, and then to be lied to and cast aside like I meant nothing was devastating. I was done. I was sure I was going to marry this guy. I got so sick with mono it was ridiculous. I couldn't really talk to anyone about this because I was so embarrassed. I realized now that I was just a girl with little self esteem that was taken advantage of. I don't recognize that girl today.

Although these things happened years ago, my skin has never cleared. It might be genetic, it might be diet, it might be stress, but I can't help but wonder if it's emotional. Almost like I'm still wearing that bit of self loathing on my face, for all to see. I just want it to heal and go away. I hope this therapy works because I have tried it all.

It's ironic how we think the world ends when something extremely "bad" happens to us. Later in life, we can look back and track it and see why it happened. If I would not have dated Dan, I never would have met Nate, who is my BFF for life. If I wouldn't have met Nate, I would not have met Matt and Stacy and he would have not met. Lauren would not exist. Without Nate, I would have never started at American, which is where I met married guy. Without that experience, I would have not realized my self worth, because I clearly didn't learn from Dan. Maybe these things would have still happened, but just in different ways. It's hard to say. Nobody knows. I'm just happy to be where I am at now.

I hope this laser can help erase the scars that made me into who I am and what I believe and stand for. I hope this laser can erase the past along with the hurt. I hope this laser can give me a chance to start again, fresh. Sometimes, all you need is a fresh start. To be able to look at myself in the mirror and not cringe...To be able to not load on tons of makeup everyday...to be able to just breathe. To be able to wake up next to the man I love and be comfortable in how I look. There's so many things I'm looking forward to.

I hope this works.

Thoughts of the Day......

My thoughts of the day...

First of all, let's talk about the body and the emotional component of scar tissue. My friend goes to the chiropractor I work for. She and I have the EXACT and I mean EXACT same issue. How weird is that? We can tell because with the proadjuster technology, there is measurable data about your condition. We have the same vertebra issues (that have changed since care, but always been in the same with each others) right now, it happens to be L1. We have the same damn psoas issue and menstral cycle issue. (every other month is intense debilitating pain). So what gives? She and I are "wired up" very similar. I seriously wonder...someday, someone has to invent a measurable way to see how emotional issues are buried in the body. It's pretty interesting. I don't know where my scar tissue around the psoas area comes from, but I can feel it. Yuck.


Also on the body front: Desk and computer jobs. I'm starting to see a lot of clients and EVERYONE has the same freakin issues...upper traps, scalenes and low back. Why? Because everyone works on a god damn computer all day. The human body isn't designed to do that. Our society makes it that way. People ask me how often to come in for a massage until they get "better." Well, the answer is...for the rest of your life....because if you sit on your ass all day at a computer, you will never be pain free, as much as you think your posture rocks, your body hates you.

Next....
Relationships and Marriage. Well, marriage doesn't fix anything. Again, I learned this from my friend today. Having a heart to heart on the hydro tables, she told me that it doesn't. I know this, but deep down, I think we all want to feel that being with someone who loves us will "fix" life for us. That somehow, but being loved, we'll be ok. But, it's just not true. There are times when I really really want to have a boyfriend. I get really lonely sometimes. I don't like to admit it, but it's true, I do. I miss being able to hold somebody and share my day with somebody and also actually really truly care about someone else's day too. And, well, the sex....you can't go wrong there. Well, actually you can, but that's another blog.

My point is, is it better to be single or in a relationship? It's seems like relationships are a lot of work and a lot of headache. Besides your own issues and crap and insecurities, you have someone else's too. And since like usually attracts like, you usually pick someone with similar issues, or someone who is a good mirror for you. Well, what the hell? There are some days I don't want to be around anyone and I just want to be alone and there are somedays when I can't wait to make plans and be around people because I get lonely. When you are in a relationship, you open yourself up to the risk of having your heart absolutely broken, so most people are guarded anyway. Nobody wants to experience that pain again, so why bother? I'm the type of person who's always changing, so does that mean I need to be with someone who is always changing too? Someone who is open to new ideas and ways of being? Someone who is constantly striving for a better way to live? The longer I stay single, the harder it is to think of myself actually being with someone who understands these things, himself and me.

I don' know. Maybe a relationship that doesn't have that crazy dynamics going on does exist. Relationships are a big commitment. I just wonder if I'll ever be done working on "stuff." I mean, there's always emotional, physical, spiritual journeys and issues to be working on. Do you do this forever? Is there a point when things are just ok? Is this when you meet someone? It seems like guys are always complaining that their girlfriend or wife is nagging him about this or that. Well, I don't want my significant other to say things like that about me. They had a poll on Z104 this morning to see if it's worse to lose your job or significant other. And most people said your job. Well, what the hell? Jobs come and go but people don't...

I guess I'm just being a bit pessimistic today. I never was a good "dater." I think it's awkward and strange. I usually like taking friendship to the next level. I don't know, maybe that'll happen one day. For now, I'm just a bit lonely and guarded. I'm realizing more and more every day just how fragile human beings can be. It's hard to think about trusting my heart to somebody else, as much as I think that's what I really truly want. You can't ever really completely trust anyone. I really wish that you could.

I don't know that I've ever truly really been able to be "me" with anyone I've dated. Wouldn't it be so great to find someone that I could be me with and not worry about what he was thinking all the time and if what I was doing was "wrong" or "ok?" Hmmmppffffff. I'm so very confused. These are the things that keep me up at night. I can't help but wonder if anyone thinks about these thing too? My brain needs to shut up now. I just want a guy to snuggle up with. See...that's the whole problem right there...it won't solve a damn thing.

Oh, the power of a little Grey's...

Sarah and I are mid marathon in Season 4 of Grey's. We pretty much missed the entire season, so we are getting all caught up so we can continue with Season 5 this year. Thank god for Nate and DVR for us! He's so my hero.

Tonight's episode involved one of the characters (Miranda) who is now the chief resident at Seattle Grace hospital. There was a bus accident and her high school crush was a victim. Basically the story line unfolded that she did all his homework for him in high school and saved his life in present day, and he still didn't "see" her. He kept expecting her to pick up the slack, clearly not respecting her or giving her the emotional support she so desired. And I can't help but compare this to my own life. I find myself thinking I might be getting a little bit too deep in on this one, so better to sometimes bury it inside and not think about it and stay busy. I know that's not a cure, but it's a band aid.

I am a beautiful, outgoing, fun, passionate, risky, charming, compassionate, and charismatic person. I get along with anyone, unless they are an energetic nightmare, then I just don't bother. I own my own business. I work really hard. I enjoy my friends and family. I try my best, even though sometimes I fail. I'm just a human being, but I'm someone who can communicate and laugh and be silly. I do nice things for people just because it's fun. I stand my ground but keep an open mind. I love to try new things. I've had some of the same friends for years. I throw a damn good party and made a killer breakfast. But, he still doesn't see me. And sometimes that feels like none of these great things about me really matter. I've given up, and know that I deserve someone who sees me clearly. But why is it that we have such a hard time letting go of the person that never really wanted to see us clearly in the first place? A guy would have to be completely retarded not to want to date me. It's so interesting to see how we get wired up the way we do.

It doesn't take a genius to figure this one out. Just take psych 101. I wasn't a great athlete, but I got solos in choir. I was chosen to go to honors state choir. I was part of an award winning marching band. I had a job since I was 14 years old, my family claiming they never had money to buy me things like clothes. I had fantastic friendships. I was in the National Honor Society. But he still didn't see me. He saw my brothers, who were star athletes, never having to have a job, because somehow, there was always enough money for what they needed. They didn't have TIME for things like that. Of course not...I mean, musicals and shows and performances didn't require any time at all.

The wound is deep. It'll take someone very special to fix it. That person, is me.

There's Nothing Better Than Seeing Your Loved Ones Doing Something GREAT!

Today I went and saw Jordan in Tick...Tick...Boom! It's the story of the life of Jonathan Larson, my hero, who wrote RENT. 

Most of the people that actually read and/or care about my writing, know that RENT has changed my life in many ways. The first time I saw it, I was blown away, knowing that emotions that I have felt so hard in my life were being set to music and script. It changed the way I viewed the world, the way I viewed relationships and also the way I viewed myself. 

Jordan absolutely blew me away with his performance. First of all, it was so fun to see him dance around. Second of all, it was great to see him being goofy. Third of all, it was great to see him really feel what he was singing. I don't know if it was a combination of knowing how Jonathan's story ends, or the context of the show itself, or how much joy Jordan brings to my life, but it really moved me. I'm still thinking about it. I'm still thinking about the interesting synchronicity of life and the events in it that make us uniquely who we are. 

Today got me to thinking about all the other times I've felt this genuine rush of pride, of great love and of enormous joy. They include:

~Lance playing in and my Dad coaching the game that took Oregon to State. That was a double whammy.

~Stacy's emergency c-section birth to a beautiful baby girl

~Emily's decision to continue going to school for nursing. Even though I wasn't there in person, I sure felt like it in spirit.

~Jessie walking down the aisle

~My cousin's army salute at my Grandpa's funeral

~Ken's peformance in Rocky

~Maryanne singing to Paul on her wedding day

As you can see, there aren't a lot of moments in quantity, but certainly in quality. I can remember each of these moments in detail. There really is nothing better than watching someone you love doing something great. We are here to touch, move and inspire each other. If we don't, well really, what are we here for? I live for these moments, though few and far between, it is what makes life worth living. 

Thanks to Jordan for leaving me touched, moved and inspired today. I even thought I might have seen a little dragonfly hiding out in the corner. If I'm not mistaken, she said, "Not only is he going to be just fine, he's going to be great. You don't have to worry anymore." And with that, I have to say, "Thank You, Jonathan Larson, for still touching us here and now." 

What is it that I want/General Anxieties and Rants for the Day/Lessons in Patience/I want to kill myself because my brain won't shut up

I think there must come a time in everyone's life where they have to get clear and honest with themselves about what they REALLY want. It's time to cut the bullshit and really get brutally honest with yourself. I guess it doesn't have to be brutal, but it can be overwhelming and confusing.

My time is now, about a year and a half before my 30th birthday. I've had a GREAT time in my 20's. Lots of partying, lots of drinking, lots of fun and adventure, but when I look at it, it's left me with emptiness. Nothing of substance or sustainability. Yes, of course I love going out and socializng with my friends and family, but it's not fulfilling to me long term. It's not everything I want. I see people in their 40's and 50's still living this lifestyle and I can't help but feel sorry for them.

I started reading and educating myself about financial planning. I'd love to be able to retire at an age when I can still enjoy traveling and making a difference. I rolled over my old 401K into a Roth IRA, since I'm hoping the rest of my life will be spent self employed or working at a wonderful small company. No more big corporate jobs for me. It's for the birds. The old me would have taken that money and spent it on a new computer. Now I have to do the old fashioned thing and save up for one. That's going to take awhile on a very tight budget.

BIG SIGH. Yes, I've been known to be dramatic.

Well, I thought a lot about what I want. It's pretty simple, really. I want to love, travel and experience.

I want to be in a loving, supportive, trusting relationship. This means I have to get over myself. Really. I keep telling myself that I don't know how to date, nobody wants me anyway, the relationship thing doesn't work for me, I could go on and on. If that's what I keep saying, that's what I'll keep getting: Evidence for what I create for myself. But I really do hate dating. I hate putting on your best side for someone just so that they'll like you. I hate the awkward silences and feelings of rejection. I've usually dated guys that have been my friends and something more started to develop when we'd spend time together. But, right now, I don't feel like I have any options that I know of. So, it's back to square one. I don't plan on going on dating websites and crap like that, but I am opening up the possibility of meeting someone or "re-meeting" them if I already know them. If I'm really truly honest with myself, I do want a relationship, and I find myself really romantically lonely at times. There's still a part of me that feels like I'm unwanted. That's what needs to heal. It's so rare that I connect with someone romantically, and when I do, I have such a hard time letting go. I don't want to have to keep going through that over and over again.

I want to generate enough income so I can retire before 60. I also want to have a cabin up north that I can escape to and if/when I have a family, it can be a place for my children's family vacation memories. I want them to be able to know what life is like without a computer and cellphones and emails constantly nagging you. That there is pure joy and bliss in a cup of coffee and a good book. There's nothing more pleasing to me than spending time by water in the summer and watching the leaves change in the fall. I'd love to have a place for weekends of doing just that.

I want to have a successful business in bodywork. I want to specialize in myofascial release and trigger point therapy. To me, this makes the most difference emotionally and physically to the client...to free their bodies from the straight jacket it has imprisoned itself in. The continuing education classes are expensive, but I know I can save up for it and do it. Nothing brings me greater joy than helping someone with their pain. It's fun, it's like playing detective to see where it's stemming from and finding the source. Sometimes it takes a lot of tries. My work brings me joy, and that to me is more important than having a lot of money and doing the same mundane tasks over and over each day. Those jobs don't make a difference in our lives: they are just paycheck. I've lived that, and it's not enough for me. If I can go to bed at night, knowing I'm making a big difference and loving what I do, then it's a life well lived.

I want to travel. I recently had a conversation with my accountant. She is delightful and I always feel so inspired and powerful after talking with her. She travels a lot with her husband and they were getting ready to leave for a trip through Canada and Niagra Falls. I'd love to take vacations and see the world. I grew up very financially strapped and we never once took a vacation. It's hard to raise five kids on a teacher's salary and I don't blame my parents. I just want something different. I want to be able to do that for myself and my future family, if that is in the cards for me.

All this big "life thinking" has made me very anti-social and when I'm in social settings, I just don't feel relaxed or myself. Growing Pains? Or what is that? It's been making me feel strange. It's like I need this time all by myself, or maybe I'm afraid that people will laugh at my dreams. I don't really know what it's all about. I'm crying and laughing a lot, sometimes I feel bipolar. Seriously. I can't wait to be 30...isn't that when it gets easier?

These things are all great, but with goals, you have to have plans. That's where I seem to get stuck. I get really frustrated with myself because I'm not dating, I don't have a lot of money, and I feel like a lot of my life is on uncertain grounds. As I worry about this stuff, my skin and diet get worse. I hate it when my physical body is a product of my own produced stress. It is sometimes hard to breathe, which is probably why my stomach area is chock full of trigger points. Isn't that the solar plexus area? The energy there is the 3rd chakra, your sense of self. Maybe that's why I'm so into yellow lately. Makes sense. UGH!

Sometimes it's very hard to take it a day at a time and I know that's what I need to do. I have the tools I need to take care of this. I can't help but wonder if I'm so lit up lately because Intuitve Guidance 2 is coming up and it's getting ready to clear out. That'd be nice.

Life's Journey sure can be interesting. You never know what's going to happen to you. You can plan and plan, but you never really know. My life completely changed the day I met my Dragonfly. And, sometimes I wonder what it would be like if that had never happened. But you can't live off of what ifs. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I had married Dan. If I had never had an intervention that whispered subconsciously to me, "you're meant to do so much more." I do believe things happen for a reason. It's really hard sometimes though, because we hold on so tightly to what we think we want, rather than allowing space in our lives for what is to be for everyone's highest good.

Looking Back

Last summer I attended Middleton Player's performance of Caberet and was blown away by a performance by Ken Urso. I had never seen anything like it in community theater. As I stared at this man, I thought to myself, "Who IS this man, and why is he going to be so important to me?" I told my friend that I was with about it, and excitedly called him, when a few days later I found out I'd be attending massage school with Ken. Ken is now one of my dearest friends and we went through something incredible together at Tibia. I recently saw his performance again, this summer in Rocky Horror Picture Show, with Middleton Players. It was a "full circle" kind of moment for me. Again, blown away by his performace, but instead KNOWING why he was so important to me and enjoying his success and being so happy for him up there on stage. 

It's pretty much been that way with me for a long while. I can remember seeing a dragonfly pin on my grandmother at Christmas when I was 12, and thinking...what's it about dragonflies? Did I forget something. I remember hearing the song "Over the Moon" from RENT when I was in Winter Colorguard in college. It stuck in my head, again...the same feeling of...what IS that? It's interesting, but I vividly remember being exposed to something that's going to have meaning in my life. I usually know in the first few minutes of being around someone if they are someone I am to pursue a relationship of any kind with. I don't know how to explain that. It's just what is.

I wonder sometimes if we have this vague "blueprint" of what we are to do and enjoy in life and then we can fill in the blanks. I've been thinking about the creator of RENT today, Jonathan Larson. That show is incredible and he died opening night when it began to be successful. It was a freak heart condition. And, I can't help but wonder sometimes, did he just come here to put that out there, and then was able to just bail out, knowing his life's purpose was complete for this time around? The timing is too freaky. He created a cultural phenomena in musical theater, he created a show that has forever touched me. He created rich and intriguing characters that most of us can relate to people in our lives. He created a way to put his emotions into something somewhat tangible for the world to experience their own emotions with as well. It's amazing.

I wonder if we all have a life's purpose. I feel very on track with what I feel is mine: Creating a difference through energetic and bodywork. I feel very peaceful with that aspect of my life. It's the rest of the stuff that can get somewhat messy.

Looking back on this year, it's amazing all the changes that have occured. I experienced a huge transformation personally and witnessed it in 7 others as well. My classmates are incredible, and it will be so great to see what they do with their lives now that we are all out of school. 

I've realized I live a life of experience. I like to try new things and see what fits and what doesn't. If something doesn't fit for long term, it eventually falls away. I find this happening in my life with all the "New Age" stuff I was so into starting a few years ago. It's being replaced with my own intuition from myself and within, my experiences, my passions and my belief that God is everywhere. It's in you, in me, in the tree and the mountain. If the Universe was made by a few molecules colliding, then wouldn't it make sense that everything is connected not only scientifically but energetically? Nobody knows, but it's becoming less and less important.

I think the best "religion" that I can create for myself is being present. That's what fits right now. Whether listening to someone or writing or whatever I'm doing, if I'm fully present, it's pretty amazing to experience. I get up usually looking forward to the day and what is in store. When something is authentic, it creates a lot of space for wonderful possibilites. 

I'm always learning and experiencing: finding what works and what doesn't. And what works today may not always work tomorrow. What I do know is that when I meet eyes with someone and I get this interesting feeling of, "Who is this person?" I pay attention. Ken doesn't believe in God. I believe everything is God. It doesn't matter. We have this connection and we are important to each other. I so get the beauty in learning from each other. I can see that dynamic in so many of my relationships. 525,600 minutes. How did you measure your year?

Super Whiny Face Today

I think I've come to a point of integration. Maybe integration isn't the right word. Maybe I'll come across the right word sooner or later.

When do you draw the line of laughing it all off or taking something seriously? If you are upset, and you hurt, should you just laugh about it? But when you can look at it later and it's funny, then why were you so serious in the first place?

Humans are weird. We all are just weird and have our quirks and our learned behaviors and we are always changing and fitting in and then not fitting in and everything is in this big continuous flow.  What's interesting is to recognize our patterns; rather our ways of being that once served us in some way, but are now hazardous to our future and our present.

The easiest example is love. Everyone has been hurt in love. It's just a rite of passage. Some have been hurt more than others. When your sister takes off with your husband, that's going to sting a little more than your high school sweetheart leaving for college. My point is, we learn a behavior that we associate with love, because of the strong emotions attached, even if we don't realize consciously we are doing it. 

So, the learned behavior is "Love hurts me." We protect ourselves. When someone new comes along and we think we are healed and can begin again, we run away. Or can't open up. Because love hurts. But we are basing our present on our past. And there is nothing you can do to change that except to heal it for yourself. It doesn't matter if you date one or one hundred people, if that is still there that "love hurts" it's going to keep hurting you, and you will keep attracting that idea in. 

If you start to heal these things and behaviors, you start to transform. You will attract new people into your life, and guess what? Love can be amazing. But it won't be amazing until you feel for yourself that you are amazing. Easy example right?

Complications. Patterns can be learned very early on. I have an issue with not being able to say how I feel. It doesn't necessarily matter how or when it started...because blame doesn't do anything. I've done a lot of healing around that issue, and my relationship with my mother, but I've still got this hurt and scared part of me that gets so upset and defensive when I'm teased or challenged in a way that I don't know how to respond to. Most of the time, it's fine....I have a great sense of humor and can give it right back. But when you really care about someone and what they think, it can hurt. But it really  has nothing to do with this person now, it's from the past. Because I've learned that "Every time you speak what you feel, you're going to get hurt" I get frustrated and upset when I'm trying to express something and it comes out all wrong. 

I know where it stems from and it's very deep and from very early in life. In fact, I can almost pinpoint the exact year it started happening. So my question is this...does it really matter? Should I just give it up and laugh about it? I've been working so much on it, but the feelings are there and they are real. So how can you back up from it and still stay present? It's just like the love example...Love Hurts....so I'm backing out of it. 

It's interesting. Humans. We say so much that we want connection with others, but we do so much to isolate ourselves. I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who moved out east. She started dating a guy there and found the relationship to be emotionally lacking. He says that "Out there, we don't talk about anything real." Maybe I'm unique and she's unique, but I doubt that when it comes to talking about something of substance. This kind of stuff makes people suffer. It's what keeps us from accomplishing our goals and dreams or even from setting them in the first place. All because from something in your past that has nothing to do with the present moment. Some would call it insanity, but in fact, it's part of everyone's life.

It takes a lot to admit that I have issues with speaking and anger. I guess I'm glad that I have people I can express these things to and most often, not be judged. I've come a long way. I feel like I'm very close to getting under the last layer of this. One thing I know for a fact: I'm never going to scream at my children to shut up, hit them, or threaten them. I know I will never scare them into doing things so everything is based on fear, nor will I be so financially out of control that my children don't get to participate in a lot of things. I also have forgiven. But I have learned. 

I think it's time to laugh it off and have some fun. On a much better note...after two years of searching, I finally found orange sparkly pillows for my couch. VICTORY!

Opening My Heart

This whole year, this whole lesson, this whole thing with going to school at Tibia has been about opening my heart. Opening to myself and to others. Realizing how I had been completely shut off before. It's still opening, and it feels physically painful as each layer is offering up to the sun for transformation and return.

The other night, I realized something. A conversation triggered something deep inside of me: I want someone to want me and enjoy me for me. In the past, I would chase someone, I would ponder about unavailable men, creating a fantasy world in my head that was safe, but completely unrealistic. If someone was available and wanted me, I would freak out and run. No more. When the right person comes along and I'm feeling it, I'll be ready this time around. I'm looking forward to it. I deserve more than what I've let myself have.

As the tears came down, they were quite bittersweet. Part of me longed for a "re-do" in past relationships, part of me realized they were part of the lesson. I felt open, but vulnerable. It's good to feel that way sometimes. It allows growth and space for new things to drop in.

Opening my heart to myself has allowed me to feel and to be present. It's allowed me to renew myself in every moment, and to allow whatever happens to just happen. The pain has been worth it.

Choking On My Own Inadequacy

I can tell graduation is coming up in three months. I've had such extreme joy and sorrow in this past week, and now I sit here choking on my own inadequacy.

It's my own story of course, nobody's but mine. Nothing in particular really triggered it. I was driving home, and it was like an overwhelming emotional tidal wave took over and brought this up. It's probably my biggest pattern, always resurfacing.

Sometimes I feel like all this introspection is such a joke. I mean, I like the bullshit as much as the rest of them. I'd probably live a somewhat content life just being totally on the surface and joking around and being light hearted. In fact, that would be incredible. I have lots of moments like that, and it's great. But then this crap surfaces. It's hard not to judge myself, but why can't I just get over it? I know it needs attention, and I'm giving it attention. It's so uncomfortable as I practice tonglen and breathe in and out.

I was meeting with my favorite professor tonight and I know she cares about me so much and see so much in me. I think the world of her, I think she's wonderful. It makes me feel inadequate to be around her, not deserving of her time. It's so ridiculous. This pattern holds me back from so much.

I've been fighting feelings for a friend for awhile now. I'm not even sure what they are, if they are real or not. It feels unfair to say anything to him until I'm certain. It has been making me so uncomfortable, the more amazing and beautiful he tells me I am. I know he loves me for who I am, but it's triggering every inadequacy I have. It's really hard to deal with it. I find myself pushing him away and not wanting to be around him. How fucked up is that?

Going through all my stuff in my storage unit brought back so much. I re-read letters from years ago. Some friend friends who have since died, some from friends who have moved on, some from lovers where it didn't work out. Each letter either told me I was the best friend they've ever had or been the most in love with. And re-reading and remembering this, I didn't feel that way about myself. I've always known who I've wanted to be, I don't get why it's taking so long.

I'm pretty happy for most of life. I really am. I thought about all the relationships in my life, past and present and what I want the future ones to be like. I found it so interesting how with certain people, there have never been a conflict. Like with two of my gay friends. When I became friends with them, they weren't out of the closet yet, but we've always had this deep, beautiful and fun loving relationship, where there is never conflict. Then I think of other friendships and relationships and saw how these people brought out the very best and the very worst in me, whether they knew it or not. Those have been the more difficult relationships, but also the most rewarding. I'm still friends with most of those people today.

I'm thankful for the energetic support of Tibia. I can't imagine doing this work 100% on my own without support.

So here I am, still choking, but breathing. I hate that because of this prison my mind has put myself in, it's keeping me from so much. Keeping me from letting an amazing man love me, from being fully expressed, and from doing the things I really want to do. I've never really spoken or written of this before because it's been so buried. But I've done a ton of work peeling off the layers this year. So much work. So much hard, hard, painful, honest time with myself. It's been so worth it.

I want to put this out there, because it's ready to clear. It's so ready to clear. I know by utilizing this space, it will energetically support this clearing in my system. I'm so glad I understand how this metaphysical stuff works. That's one thing that's pretty cool.

I seriously have to wonder sometimes when you are honest enough with yourself to do this kind of work, how you date. I mean really. It's going to take somebody really really special to understand and support this. The guy that does will be the one that will win my heart. It's not like it's like this all the time, in fact it's not often at all. But when it comes up, it's shooker. Hmmm.... so much swimming around in my head right now. A moment of peace is what I crave.

Like the Sun

"When love hurts you or goes away, you have a choice. You can become upset and chase after it- or you can remain calm and serene while you think, What do I need to learn from what I'm feeling right now?
Even though love's emotional expression may change from time to time, the existence of love won't. Love is a constant, no matter what form it takes in your life. Just as the sun rises and sets, so too does love come and go. And, like the sun, love will always reappear."

Hearts....From Heaven's Letters....

Often I say to you, "Use your heart. Follow your heart. Your beautiful heart." What does it mean to follow your beautiful heart?
It means to let go of thinking. I am not telling you to never think. Of course, you think. You have a mind for a reason. Only the mind has become predominant. So downplay your mind. When you always follow your mind, then you are reacting to the past and looking to the future. You are figuring something out. You are placing your bets. You brain, like a computer, assembles information and makes something of it. Information is always from the past. Even if you just receive the information, your mind is already assembling it, cranking it out like a slot machine, trying to make three apples come up together.
The brain, like a computer, cannot be spontaneous. It can only follow or react to what has been programmed into it. The brain sees what is directly before it but immediately incorporates it into the past or a projected future. The brain sums up. It calculates. It categorizes. It tells you, based on past records, what it considers most opportune for you to do in order to get results. The brain is always flipping through the past. It files things in categories. It keeps adding. The files bulge. They get so crowded you almost can't think anymore. The thinking mind, beloveds, is not always reliable. Judgment is not reliable. The heart is reliably a heart. Hearts are made of gold, beloveds.
You may say, "But, God, the heart is not always reliable either. I've made mistake after mistake with my heart. I've even made a fool of myself with my heart. Experience has taught me I must use my mind over my heart."
When you say you make mistakes with your heart, you are saying you don't always get the results you want. You don't with your brain either. Sometimes your mind is too smart for its own good. The mind means to look out for your best interest, only it doesn't always know what your best interest is. Outsmarting is not always smart.
What if your heart weren't looking for results? What if your heart simply beat the tune it beats. What if your heart simply adores what it adores without thought of a future, without thought of what someone else may think, without thought of return, without thought of gain, simply without thought. What if your heart were allowed to say what it feels and to be what it is.
If you still feel that mind is more reliable than your heart, consider then that your heart is a mind. Certainly, your heart has a mind of its own.
Will you at least concede that your heart knows a lot? It knows without knowing why. It knows it wants to make music, or it wants to paint. Your heart knows what makes it happy. Your mind may be well-intentioned, yet it can only come from a distance whereas the heart is immediate. The heart is wise because it does not think. So what if your heart is not clever. I tell you to have a heart.
I don't tell you to be mawkish. I don't tell you to be sentimental. I tell you to use your heart.
You know, there is a right tool for everything. You don't use a hammer when you need a screwdriver.
Your mind will tell you whom you can love, for instance, and whom you may not. Your heart tells you a different story. Your heart tells you what is happening now. Beloveds, minds do not marry, but hearts can. Hearts do.

Love Love Love

Love Love Love

Channeled from Akeeya’s Gallery Session

“Please be a great example of love to each other. Please be more patient and honest. If you cease to love each other we have a more difficult task. Understand each other. You all have a significant impact on the people around you.
Some are stubborn, they refuse to allow themselves to be loved-you can allow yourselves to be loved without fear. Love without fear. You all expect love to be an exchange of energy-but often times those who love you have not developed the skill to exchange as you do. Each of you will learn to love without fear. Fear is attached to failure-there is no such thing as failure in love. If you are genuine in your expressions of love, what do you have to fear? Be who you are, it is the best foundation for love. Do not postpone love because of fear. You who do not fear love embrace the truth. Love requires self sacrifice. To love unconditionally requires at times the removal of Self. This is not to deny who you are-to love someone unconditionally you must be able to embrace them fully. If you feel unlovable it is because you have been conditioned to believe this. Rejection does not believe you are unlovable.

True Love does not reject. True love does not dwell on only the physical. What is the fingerprint of love you are leaving? How many of you have hidden from love? Do not allow yourself to continue to believe that bad is acceptable. You are acceptable.”




Beautiful indeed….so much easier said than done. In my feelings, something to aspire to for sure.