Are you breathing? Are you relaxed? Are you doing this with grace?
Well, are you?
For a human being that’s rarely relaxed, this can be a complicated question. A million things are always running through my mind at any given second. I have a writer’s mind, which can sometimes be a big problem in a vocal world. My mind literally thinks the way I write, always creating my own narrations in my mind. I can’t say with this constant dialogue in my mind that I’m actually truly ever relaxed. Until yesterday.
I decided to get in my car and just drive. A chance to process and be still. An opportunity for a new adventure. I listened to my inner guidance. Turn left here. Straight. Now take a right. I found myself in Lodi, Wisconsin where I had spent so much of time almost three years ago now. I turned into the parking lot to the chiropractic clinic, now a massage therapy business to reflect on the conversation that completely changed my life. My “job” was to sell advertising for a small yellow page business. It was a paycheck until I found something else.
In the middle of my misery of transition, I stopped at a restaurant and saw something that changed my life forever. It was a card for a massage therapist pinned to the bulletin board in the entry way. The logo was a dragonfly. I paid attention. Something inside me clicked into a higher vibration. I knew the next step for me was to be a massage therapist. I recognized the clue the Universe gave me. I ended up stopping at a chiropractic clinic that day, and it ended up that the business card was that of the receptionist there. We had a conversation that changed me forever. I thought to myself, “Wouldn’t it be great to work in a chiropractic clinic and be a massage therapist?” A year later I was. I just had to wait for the right people to show up. And they did after they sold their practice in Tennessee and moved to Wisconsin. A bigger plan. Had I missed my clue, I would have been off my path.
Another year later and I attend the Landmark Forum Advanced Course in Chicago. It was profound. I had many breakthroughs in my ways of thinking and I realized that I have been living well below my potential…causing my unhappiness. I’ve discovered if you are off track, unhappiness will follow you. I ended my employment at the chiropractor, in gratitude, for the lessons learned and for the next step in my life. I had no idea what that was to be. I paused. I finished up “The Producers” and let it come to me. I’ve found that if you consistently miss the subtle clues the Universe gives you, that it will keep throwing bigger and bigger ones until you finally pay attention.
The first day of my new job I saw my next clue. Have you ever gotten the feeling that you are destined to know someone? That just by meeting them you are forever changed? That you could just smile in gratitude for the blessed chance of meeting, knowing maybe your time is limited, but still grateful you get the chance to learn. I bless the day I met my new friend, who has quickly progressed into one of my favorite people on this earth. He is the one who asked me, “Am I breathing? Am I relaxed? Am I doing this with grace?” It’s from a book he recently read and it was delivered to me at just the right time. Finally. I had met someone who would further me on my spiritual path and understood beyond superficial consciousness. He showed up. I had almost given up hope.
As I drove, I thought about where I was and where I am now. I thought of all the amazing new people who have entered my life in the past three years, and also the ones that have remained close to me. Thinking of how profound this is gives me hope. It gives me hope that as long as I’m breathing, I’ll be able to pick up the clues the Universe gives me on my journey. As long as I stay relaxed, I’ll be open to what shows up next. As long as I live my life with grace, I’ll create happiness and joy around me. No matter what I’m doing. No matter if it’s where I want to be. If we show up fully, it creates space for others to do the same. I just never saw it that way before.
I thought about my favorite monologue from “How I Met Your Mother.” The words sank in to a deeper level of my being. When you realize all the small things truly do add up to the big moments in life, it takes you to an even more profound way of being and appreciating each day.
“The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do. They'll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life. You have to take action. And you will! But never forget, that on any day, you could step out the front door, and your whole life could change forever. You see the Universe has a plan kids; and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought, but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working... Making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be.. exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place. At the right time.”
I still tear up every time I read this because it’s true. Preparing yourself to be the best person you can be along the journey will make you ready for the day when you walk out your front door and your life changes forever.
You have to watch for the clues the Universe throws at you. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself repeating the same patterns, making the same mistakes, until you finally get it. Maybe that consistent minor unhappiness is nothing, just a part of life that we deal with. But maybe, just maybe it’s everything. Taking a step to change something that makes you unhappy to something that will bring you joy, could just be the catalyst for a whole new world. A whole new way of being. It takes courage and it takes integrity. It takes knowing that something bigger than you has got this.
I’m not sure what is next. I’m not sure what this is preparing me for. What I do know is I’m grateful for each and every amazing spirit I meet on my journey. I’m blown away by the mechanics of the Universe. But most of all, I know that when you ask for something to show up, one day, it will. The question is….will you be ready? Are you doing what brings you joy and allowing your inner self to guide you? If you are breathing, if you are relaxed and if you are living life with grace, things will begin to exponentially transform. Be ready for who and what shows up. And accept and learn with grace.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Fireworks
July 4th has always been my favorite holiday. I love summer, I love sparkly things and I love friends. What better holiday than to have all three in one package?
I guess the past two years have just not been that exciting holidays for me. I think I might pick a new favorite holiday. It’s been a few difficult years of cleaning up my past, transitioning and resisting what’s best for me.
Tonight I watched the fireworks with some pretty random people at a house party. As I sat there are watched the show in the sky, I thought about all the previous July 4ths in my life. I can honestly pretty much remember who I was with, what was important to me and where we went to watch the fireworks every year. It saddened and inspired me to think about the years past.
I get attached to people too easily. I think it’s so rare in this day and age that we are blessed to have such inspiring, joyful connections that when they come around for me, I want them to hang around as long as possible…even when it’s time to move on. I’ve never been one for superficial relationships. It’s boring and pointless.
I recently became reacquainted with someone who was once so important to me. Well, he’s still very important to me, but we haven’t talked in six years. We just lost track of each other. That’s how it happens. You start hanging out less and less and finally you look back and realize it’s been years since you’ve been on someone’s radar. I believe that everyone has their own unique path in life and if you are present enough to recognize the blessings of people’s paths crossing your journey; it’s such a magical happening.
I credit this man for saving my life. I was in a point in my life where my self esteem was so low, I dated a suicidal, emotionally troubled man who was never there for me. He was completely selfish and I did all the work in our relationship. Unfortunately this way of being is still engrained in my system, but it is getting better. When you go through something like that, it’s hard to come out of it “normal.” I met this man and had an instant connection. Kindred Spirits for sure. I can count the number of people I’ve had this kind of connection with in life on one hand. It’s rare and it’s wonderful.
We had a wonderful friendship where all we did was LAUGH and were just so happy to see each other. We were both dating other people and that’s all it amounted too. One night, I just realized that I had a much more profound and amazing connection with this man than I did with my boyfriend. At that point, I knew that there was someone out there for me that would be better for me. I thank life for this friendship, because it saved me from myself. It saved me from a dead-end marriage. How could I let someone so important to me just slip away?
I think it’s just life. We get “busy.” We stop making time for people and our lives and interests change. Certain people just don’t fit anymore. We meet new friends and people are replaced. I never forgot him. His importance never changed. It’s just that “in time” we weren’t connected anymore.
I was so happy to hear from him. I’ve been on cloud nine all week. The connection is still there, and he’s all the way in Florida, happily married with a beautiful baby girl. I couldn’t be happier for him and I’m thankful for his re-appearance. I know he again has something wonderful to teach me, and his timing couldn’t be more accurate for re-surfacing. I’ve been feeling him around for about six months, and now, finally we found each other.
Sometimes I feel like the most profound relationships I’ve had are the ones that don’t stay. They just flicker into our lives for a few beautiful moments, teach us what we need to learn, and then they move on. Sometimes we are left dumbfounded and don’t understand-sometimes we are left touched, moved and inspired. We go on to our next chapters without them, but we still carry them with us.
If we are lucky, we get a second chance. We re-connect with this Kindred Spirit at just the right time. There is nothing in life better than that.
I’m optimistic in knowing, that many of the July 4ths in my future will be spent with my best friends that I haven’t even met yet. I’m optimistic in knowing that no matter how sticky or difficult a situation or relationship has become, there is always room to once again be reacquainted and begin again.
I guess the past two years have just not been that exciting holidays for me. I think I might pick a new favorite holiday. It’s been a few difficult years of cleaning up my past, transitioning and resisting what’s best for me.
Tonight I watched the fireworks with some pretty random people at a house party. As I sat there are watched the show in the sky, I thought about all the previous July 4ths in my life. I can honestly pretty much remember who I was with, what was important to me and where we went to watch the fireworks every year. It saddened and inspired me to think about the years past.
I get attached to people too easily. I think it’s so rare in this day and age that we are blessed to have such inspiring, joyful connections that when they come around for me, I want them to hang around as long as possible…even when it’s time to move on. I’ve never been one for superficial relationships. It’s boring and pointless.
I recently became reacquainted with someone who was once so important to me. Well, he’s still very important to me, but we haven’t talked in six years. We just lost track of each other. That’s how it happens. You start hanging out less and less and finally you look back and realize it’s been years since you’ve been on someone’s radar. I believe that everyone has their own unique path in life and if you are present enough to recognize the blessings of people’s paths crossing your journey; it’s such a magical happening.
I credit this man for saving my life. I was in a point in my life where my self esteem was so low, I dated a suicidal, emotionally troubled man who was never there for me. He was completely selfish and I did all the work in our relationship. Unfortunately this way of being is still engrained in my system, but it is getting better. When you go through something like that, it’s hard to come out of it “normal.” I met this man and had an instant connection. Kindred Spirits for sure. I can count the number of people I’ve had this kind of connection with in life on one hand. It’s rare and it’s wonderful.
We had a wonderful friendship where all we did was LAUGH and were just so happy to see each other. We were both dating other people and that’s all it amounted too. One night, I just realized that I had a much more profound and amazing connection with this man than I did with my boyfriend. At that point, I knew that there was someone out there for me that would be better for me. I thank life for this friendship, because it saved me from myself. It saved me from a dead-end marriage. How could I let someone so important to me just slip away?
I think it’s just life. We get “busy.” We stop making time for people and our lives and interests change. Certain people just don’t fit anymore. We meet new friends and people are replaced. I never forgot him. His importance never changed. It’s just that “in time” we weren’t connected anymore.
I was so happy to hear from him. I’ve been on cloud nine all week. The connection is still there, and he’s all the way in Florida, happily married with a beautiful baby girl. I couldn’t be happier for him and I’m thankful for his re-appearance. I know he again has something wonderful to teach me, and his timing couldn’t be more accurate for re-surfacing. I’ve been feeling him around for about six months, and now, finally we found each other.
Sometimes I feel like the most profound relationships I’ve had are the ones that don’t stay. They just flicker into our lives for a few beautiful moments, teach us what we need to learn, and then they move on. Sometimes we are left dumbfounded and don’t understand-sometimes we are left touched, moved and inspired. We go on to our next chapters without them, but we still carry them with us.
If we are lucky, we get a second chance. We re-connect with this Kindred Spirit at just the right time. There is nothing in life better than that.
I’m optimistic in knowing, that many of the July 4ths in my future will be spent with my best friends that I haven’t even met yet. I’m optimistic in knowing that no matter how sticky or difficult a situation or relationship has become, there is always room to once again be reacquainted and begin again.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Did I Fail?
When I was a little girl, I never thought, "Oh I hope to be moving back home when I'm 29." When we are young, we have plenty of amazing dreams for ourselves. I always thought I'd be a famous singer, yet I can't even land a lead part in a small town community theater show. I thought I'd change the world by my writing, yet I lack the motivation to truly tell a wonderful story.
Have I failed? I ask myself this probably every day. My favorite motivational celebrity, Jillian Michaels, says there are no mistakes, only learning experiences. If we don't learn, we keep having to repeat the same pattern over and over again until we do. I try to concentrate on the positive experiences in my life, in hopes to create more and to learn from the negative. Sometimes this is difficult, especially when it involves other people's feelings. You have to do what is best for yourself, even when it means hurting another.
The truth is, we truly can't predict the future, because it's always changing basing itself on what we create today. There are many possibilities for what is ahead of us, and we have to just keep looking forward. I've decided to write about what I've learned from today, instead of focusing on the pain of failure. I haven't truly failed. I'm just hitting the "reset" button. That can be a really good thing.
I've learned that the more you pick at something, the more it falls apart. Sometimes the best thing to do is walk away, give it some space, and it all comes together in the end.
I've learned that things generally do not turn out exactly as we expect them to. The best thing is just to stay present in every moment, it makes everything more enjoyable.
I've learned that the people that hurt us most are the ones we learn the biggest lessons of self worth from. It generates a charge inside of us to never be treated like that again.
I've learned that what you think about is what you create in your reality. Focus on what you want and take any action towards it. Each moment will bring you closer to your desires.
I've learned that no matter how much you love someone, how much you miss them-if they don't make an effort to include you in their life anymore-it's best to let them go. They were probably taking up a lot more space in your life that you realized anyway. Use that space for people that do want you to be around. You will feel loved and supported rather than anxious and rejected.
I've learned that it's not really what happens to you, it's how you are able to react to it.
I think out of everything that I've learned, if you have one true friend, you're always going to be ok.
I'm blessed in so many ways in my life with so many that believe in me. I choose to concentrate on the wonderful ways I make a difference to others and the inspiration I receive from the world. I make the choice everyday how I want the day to go. I have a lot of pain, a lot of sorrow and a lot of set backs. But I choose to use what I have to create the best life I can. I don't always know how, but I usually find my way. I am grateful for the support that always shows up for me. I am thankful for those that choose to want me to be in their lives. The fun and laughter we have takes the edge off everything else.
Have I failed? I ask myself this probably every day. My favorite motivational celebrity, Jillian Michaels, says there are no mistakes, only learning experiences. If we don't learn, we keep having to repeat the same pattern over and over again until we do. I try to concentrate on the positive experiences in my life, in hopes to create more and to learn from the negative. Sometimes this is difficult, especially when it involves other people's feelings. You have to do what is best for yourself, even when it means hurting another.
The truth is, we truly can't predict the future, because it's always changing basing itself on what we create today. There are many possibilities for what is ahead of us, and we have to just keep looking forward. I've decided to write about what I've learned from today, instead of focusing on the pain of failure. I haven't truly failed. I'm just hitting the "reset" button. That can be a really good thing.
I've learned that the more you pick at something, the more it falls apart. Sometimes the best thing to do is walk away, give it some space, and it all comes together in the end.
I've learned that things generally do not turn out exactly as we expect them to. The best thing is just to stay present in every moment, it makes everything more enjoyable.
I've learned that the people that hurt us most are the ones we learn the biggest lessons of self worth from. It generates a charge inside of us to never be treated like that again.
I've learned that what you think about is what you create in your reality. Focus on what you want and take any action towards it. Each moment will bring you closer to your desires.
I've learned that no matter how much you love someone, how much you miss them-if they don't make an effort to include you in their life anymore-it's best to let them go. They were probably taking up a lot more space in your life that you realized anyway. Use that space for people that do want you to be around. You will feel loved and supported rather than anxious and rejected.
I've learned that it's not really what happens to you, it's how you are able to react to it.
I think out of everything that I've learned, if you have one true friend, you're always going to be ok.
I'm blessed in so many ways in my life with so many that believe in me. I choose to concentrate on the wonderful ways I make a difference to others and the inspiration I receive from the world. I make the choice everyday how I want the day to go. I have a lot of pain, a lot of sorrow and a lot of set backs. But I choose to use what I have to create the best life I can. I don't always know how, but I usually find my way. I am grateful for the support that always shows up for me. I am thankful for those that choose to want me to be in their lives. The fun and laughter we have takes the edge off everything else.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Dead people like me
So. Ok.
I just did some inner listening, or "meditating" or whatever and I kept hearing the name, Matt Gordon. Ok fine. Seriously people...do they ever leave me alone? Not really...but this time...for a reason.
I googled the name and this is what I found. He had a chance with his one true love again...and then died from surgery. But he got to say what he needed to. And I know, what I crave more than anything in this life is real, true love. Not the stupid love that you do to pass your time, or the superficial love of most. Real love for myself, for others and in a relationship. I realized...in order to have that, I must be it. There's the breakthrough....and there's the challenge. Shit. This means being nice to old people too. I have to believe this is actually possible for me. I can do this.
Here's Matt's blog...I find it pretty interesting.
http://jinx12582.blogspot.com/
I just did some inner listening, or "meditating" or whatever and I kept hearing the name, Matt Gordon. Ok fine. Seriously people...do they ever leave me alone? Not really...but this time...for a reason.
I googled the name and this is what I found. He had a chance with his one true love again...and then died from surgery. But he got to say what he needed to. And I know, what I crave more than anything in this life is real, true love. Not the stupid love that you do to pass your time, or the superficial love of most. Real love for myself, for others and in a relationship. I realized...in order to have that, I must be it. There's the breakthrough....and there's the challenge. Shit. This means being nice to old people too. I have to believe this is actually possible for me. I can do this.
Here's Matt's blog...I find it pretty interesting.
http://jinx12582.blogspot.com/
Drowsy/Dizzy/Discouraged
I think it was back in February when a friend of mine called last minute and his sister won tickets to see “The Drowsy Chaperone” at the Overture Center. I’ve been toying around with writing this blog since then. I guess it’s been building up in my head and frankly, a LOT more came up with these emotions than I was expecting. But ultimately, it’s leading me toward where I need to be going next.
The premise is simple, yet extremely complex if you let your mind go there. A young man has an old record player in his NYC apartment and loves to play an old musical soundtrack on it called, “The Drowsy Chaperone.” The man gets lost in the music and the story and narrates to the audience what pleasure he receives from escaping reality and diving into the world of musical theater as his reality. The characters become real to him and he ultimately becomes part of the show at the end. He concludes that musicals are wonderful because everything always works out in the end. There’s music and dancing and everything is joyous and grand. The script is hilarious and is often light hearted, but at the end of the show I was left a little torn up, and it wasn’t pretty.
I have lots of friends involved in theater, including myself. Some are very heavily involved; overlapping shows and well, I think that’s completely crazy. Some are lightly involved, like me; maybe doing one to two shows a year. Here’s the thing: If the brain truly doesn’t know the difference between something imagined and something tangible…where is the line drawn? Studies have shown the brain has the same chemical response when elite athletes “think” through a game or performance successfully as they would when actually playing the game. Do actors actually become their characters? Does your brain know the difference between that personality and yours? Do some people actually use acting as a way to express emotions they are unable to express in their “real” lives? You have to have something to draw upon when playing a character…so where does that actually come from? I’ve always known that most people that do a lot of theatre have many emotional issues, after being involved in it since high school, but this play really stirred something up deep for me. What was I missing?
I let these questions kind of (un)settle in my system and I just stepped back into observation mode in my life. I still went about my everyday life, but just had this in my awareness. I realized that I can get obsessed with TV shows. Like some of my friends get that way with theatre, I am with TV. It’s not that I believe it’s real, it’s just that sometimes it’s more fun to talk about what Jim and Pam are doing or imagining what it would actually be like to be Jillian Michaels than to be me. In the acting television world, everything always works out the way you want it to, what’s meant to be finds its way, and well, everyone is usually pretty attractive. I think certain stories find their way into our hearts because they remind us so much of ourselves. Sometimes it’s easier to pretend to be Barney Stinson for a day, or Lorelei Gilmore to get myself through the day. Nothing hurts these characters and their self confidence is sky high. If my brain doesn’t truly know the difference, it’s easy to put on an act. It’s something to hide behind. It’s something, anything, to not get myself to feel pain or to put off figuring out my life or cleaning my condo or whatever boring reality is occurring. It’s something to hide behind so I’m not honest with myself that my current job isn’t making ends meet, or I miss companionship in my life. It’s a distraction. And really…human beings are experts in creating distractions in their lives so they ignore what is truly important.
I think the reason I get obsessed with people like Jillian, is because she has (or seems to have) her shit together. She’s in awesome shape, she “gets it”, and she has an awesome job that inspires millions of people to get their own shit together. That is truly amazing. If you can love your life so much that you naturally inspire others, well that’s a true blessing.
I think about how humans create their own reality. It’s true. What you think about is what gets your attention. What gets your attention is where you take action or are afraid to take action and suffer. Our self esteem and confidence reflects in our outer life. Is your home always messy? Do you endure your job for a good paycheck? Are you dating someone that is kind of ok, but too scared to actually find someone that will commit to you and is actually real and inspires you everyday? Does your marriage suck? Are you afraid of the next step because it could mean failure? Do you constantly keep yourself so busy you have no time for yourself or friendships? Do you find yourself scrambling everyday because there isn’t “enough time?” Is your partner this way too? This is avoidance. And I am princess of that. At least I can admit it….there has to be a way out.
I look at people like my neighbor. He is going blind and deaf. He stays at home and he goes fishing. He goes for walks. He visits friends. He yells at my friends when they smoke on my balcony. This is his reality. This is what he has created. This is what shapes his personality. Now what if he decided he wanted to get a job or start gardening? That first would begin with a thought…and then depending on his fear and self esteem, he would either take a shot at it or not. He would change, or he would stay the same. It’s an easy example because he leads a relatively simple life. I am not simple. I am complex as hell. I can’t even figure myself out, let alone someone else. Maybe it’s time to start simplifying?
Life is actually simple if you take emotions out of it. Do you hate your job? Quit. Done. That’s it. Do you eat like shit and are you overweight? Eat healthy. Exercise. Done. So why is it so hard to make changes that stick? It’s because it’s extremely uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s way more comfortable to just stay the same…because it’s what we are used to. We get attached to our suffering and believe there is no way out. How could there possibly be? I can’t do this because there isn’t any time. Bullshit. Make it. If it’s important, you will figure it out. I don’t have any money. Make more. It’s the “how” that gets us so stuck. Trying to figure out “how” it will all come into play is what makes us nuts. We don’t know anyone else’s journey but our own. If we are blessed to walk with someone for awhile, embrace it, but when they let you go, let them go too. It’s all wasted energy that you could be focusing in on creating your life the way you envision and the way you want.
In the space between, which I feel I am now, it can be incredibly uncomfortable. I know I am meant for great things. The way my brain works, my creativity and my passion and compassion for humans is what leads to greatness. So much “junk” is in the way though. All thoughts I’ve created based on what others have thought, or my family has thought and I started to believe as true. My self esteem shattered a few years ago when I thought I had met the most incredible person ever, but he didn’t think I was so incredible. Rejection burns, but it makes us stronger. We have to see our own value even when others don’t, or are afraid of it. We have to believe we are good enough for what life drops in on us, because we tend to fuck it up pretty easily.
So how do you become who you know you were meant to be? Action. What does it take to take action? It takes courage. You have to actually do it. You can sit around your house and read and hibernate and try to figure it all out….but that does nothing. It gets you nowhere. You have to get off your ass and workout. Get off your ass and start dating. But then your mind chimes in. You have to change your thoughts. I know when I start to get sick, I’m so off track that even my body is pissed off. That’s a really good sign for me.
I’ve been on this journey of self discovery and spirituality for awhile now. It ebbs and flows. There are times when I’m on the money, and times when I’m so off. Most people never bother to venture on this road, because it is painful. It is joyous. It is out of balance. It is in balance. It’s just kind of all over the place…but I hope, eventually it will be somewhat sound. I think it is better than not knowing. I think it is better than where I was six years ago.
I am so blessed with so many talents. So what am I actually going to take action on and do? And why do I feel pressured to narrow it down to one or just a few? I want to do so much I get overwhelmed and do nothing.
I had lunch with a friend today. His coworker and acquaintance of mine wanted to come along too. My friend told him no, because he wanted me all to himself. We hadn’t seen each other in about a month, and just wanted Jess time. That made me feel really good. To know that despite everything that goes through my brain at a rapid pace every day, despite my fears and insecurities and despite the fact that I’m not always the best Jess I can be, he still loves me for me. And that’s just it. We’re all human. Nobody is perfect. I think the best thing to know, is that we are all in this together.
The premise is simple, yet extremely complex if you let your mind go there. A young man has an old record player in his NYC apartment and loves to play an old musical soundtrack on it called, “The Drowsy Chaperone.” The man gets lost in the music and the story and narrates to the audience what pleasure he receives from escaping reality and diving into the world of musical theater as his reality. The characters become real to him and he ultimately becomes part of the show at the end. He concludes that musicals are wonderful because everything always works out in the end. There’s music and dancing and everything is joyous and grand. The script is hilarious and is often light hearted, but at the end of the show I was left a little torn up, and it wasn’t pretty.
I have lots of friends involved in theater, including myself. Some are very heavily involved; overlapping shows and well, I think that’s completely crazy. Some are lightly involved, like me; maybe doing one to two shows a year. Here’s the thing: If the brain truly doesn’t know the difference between something imagined and something tangible…where is the line drawn? Studies have shown the brain has the same chemical response when elite athletes “think” through a game or performance successfully as they would when actually playing the game. Do actors actually become their characters? Does your brain know the difference between that personality and yours? Do some people actually use acting as a way to express emotions they are unable to express in their “real” lives? You have to have something to draw upon when playing a character…so where does that actually come from? I’ve always known that most people that do a lot of theatre have many emotional issues, after being involved in it since high school, but this play really stirred something up deep for me. What was I missing?
I let these questions kind of (un)settle in my system and I just stepped back into observation mode in my life. I still went about my everyday life, but just had this in my awareness. I realized that I can get obsessed with TV shows. Like some of my friends get that way with theatre, I am with TV. It’s not that I believe it’s real, it’s just that sometimes it’s more fun to talk about what Jim and Pam are doing or imagining what it would actually be like to be Jillian Michaels than to be me. In the acting television world, everything always works out the way you want it to, what’s meant to be finds its way, and well, everyone is usually pretty attractive. I think certain stories find their way into our hearts because they remind us so much of ourselves. Sometimes it’s easier to pretend to be Barney Stinson for a day, or Lorelei Gilmore to get myself through the day. Nothing hurts these characters and their self confidence is sky high. If my brain doesn’t truly know the difference, it’s easy to put on an act. It’s something to hide behind. It’s something, anything, to not get myself to feel pain or to put off figuring out my life or cleaning my condo or whatever boring reality is occurring. It’s something to hide behind so I’m not honest with myself that my current job isn’t making ends meet, or I miss companionship in my life. It’s a distraction. And really…human beings are experts in creating distractions in their lives so they ignore what is truly important.
I think the reason I get obsessed with people like Jillian, is because she has (or seems to have) her shit together. She’s in awesome shape, she “gets it”, and she has an awesome job that inspires millions of people to get their own shit together. That is truly amazing. If you can love your life so much that you naturally inspire others, well that’s a true blessing.
I think about how humans create their own reality. It’s true. What you think about is what gets your attention. What gets your attention is where you take action or are afraid to take action and suffer. Our self esteem and confidence reflects in our outer life. Is your home always messy? Do you endure your job for a good paycheck? Are you dating someone that is kind of ok, but too scared to actually find someone that will commit to you and is actually real and inspires you everyday? Does your marriage suck? Are you afraid of the next step because it could mean failure? Do you constantly keep yourself so busy you have no time for yourself or friendships? Do you find yourself scrambling everyday because there isn’t “enough time?” Is your partner this way too? This is avoidance. And I am princess of that. At least I can admit it….there has to be a way out.
I look at people like my neighbor. He is going blind and deaf. He stays at home and he goes fishing. He goes for walks. He visits friends. He yells at my friends when they smoke on my balcony. This is his reality. This is what he has created. This is what shapes his personality. Now what if he decided he wanted to get a job or start gardening? That first would begin with a thought…and then depending on his fear and self esteem, he would either take a shot at it or not. He would change, or he would stay the same. It’s an easy example because he leads a relatively simple life. I am not simple. I am complex as hell. I can’t even figure myself out, let alone someone else. Maybe it’s time to start simplifying?
Life is actually simple if you take emotions out of it. Do you hate your job? Quit. Done. That’s it. Do you eat like shit and are you overweight? Eat healthy. Exercise. Done. So why is it so hard to make changes that stick? It’s because it’s extremely uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s way more comfortable to just stay the same…because it’s what we are used to. We get attached to our suffering and believe there is no way out. How could there possibly be? I can’t do this because there isn’t any time. Bullshit. Make it. If it’s important, you will figure it out. I don’t have any money. Make more. It’s the “how” that gets us so stuck. Trying to figure out “how” it will all come into play is what makes us nuts. We don’t know anyone else’s journey but our own. If we are blessed to walk with someone for awhile, embrace it, but when they let you go, let them go too. It’s all wasted energy that you could be focusing in on creating your life the way you envision and the way you want.
In the space between, which I feel I am now, it can be incredibly uncomfortable. I know I am meant for great things. The way my brain works, my creativity and my passion and compassion for humans is what leads to greatness. So much “junk” is in the way though. All thoughts I’ve created based on what others have thought, or my family has thought and I started to believe as true. My self esteem shattered a few years ago when I thought I had met the most incredible person ever, but he didn’t think I was so incredible. Rejection burns, but it makes us stronger. We have to see our own value even when others don’t, or are afraid of it. We have to believe we are good enough for what life drops in on us, because we tend to fuck it up pretty easily.
So how do you become who you know you were meant to be? Action. What does it take to take action? It takes courage. You have to actually do it. You can sit around your house and read and hibernate and try to figure it all out….but that does nothing. It gets you nowhere. You have to get off your ass and workout. Get off your ass and start dating. But then your mind chimes in. You have to change your thoughts. I know when I start to get sick, I’m so off track that even my body is pissed off. That’s a really good sign for me.
I’ve been on this journey of self discovery and spirituality for awhile now. It ebbs and flows. There are times when I’m on the money, and times when I’m so off. Most people never bother to venture on this road, because it is painful. It is joyous. It is out of balance. It is in balance. It’s just kind of all over the place…but I hope, eventually it will be somewhat sound. I think it is better than not knowing. I think it is better than where I was six years ago.
I am so blessed with so many talents. So what am I actually going to take action on and do? And why do I feel pressured to narrow it down to one or just a few? I want to do so much I get overwhelmed and do nothing.
I had lunch with a friend today. His coworker and acquaintance of mine wanted to come along too. My friend told him no, because he wanted me all to himself. We hadn’t seen each other in about a month, and just wanted Jess time. That made me feel really good. To know that despite everything that goes through my brain at a rapid pace every day, despite my fears and insecurities and despite the fact that I’m not always the best Jess I can be, he still loves me for me. And that’s just it. We’re all human. Nobody is perfect. I think the best thing to know, is that we are all in this together.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Something Amazing
Today, something really amazing happened. A patient told me that my voice makes a difference to him. I remember having to SING those words to a room full of my classmates before I could graduate from TIBIA and BELIEVE IT!! AHHH!!!! Talk about an emotional day. YUCK!!! The interesting thing I thought of today is the difference between believing something and being something. If you believe something to be true, it doesn't mean you are always BEING it. BEING is what creates a difference for others. Nine months after saying those words, they are finally repeated back to me. I have become my voice makes a difference. Little did I think that some 77 year old man in Sun Prairie would be the one to tell me that back when I first spoke those words. It's interesting to see that life takes us on amazing journeys, never knowing who we are going to touch. He told me that my voice makes him happy and it makes his day better. Who knows what that change of me finally being a difference will make on other people...even if it is little...it is a step in the direction of what I am creating in this lifetime.
On my hike today, I thought about all the guys I've dated. I thought about the lessons from each relationship and how none of them honored who I am. I realized that in the past I have truly rejected myself, so how in the world would I attract someone who would not reject me? I firmly believe you are your thoughts, that you create your own reality.
I sat down on a park bench and wrote. As I get more clear about who I am and what I want to be, I realize more and more what I would need in a romantic partner. They say you have to write it down to make it real. So here it is: I'm writing this all down to hold myself accountable to what is acceptable to me if I'm going to share my heart with someone. I'm not up to screwing around anymore...it leaves me empty and unsatisfied. I'm not looking for someone that wants that. Here is what I came up with. I know there is no such thing as the perfect person, but there is such a thing as loving yourself enough to know that these things are vital to have the kind of relationship that's worth having.
~Trust-safety to be myself and he himself with me.
~He has goals and a plan to achieve them
~Enjoys outdoor activities
~Gets me on a deep spiritual level of being
~makes me smile whenever he crosses my mind
~health conscious about his diet and exercise
~has time and energy to want to grow in our relationship together
~drop dead handsome
~ability to make me laugh and also he thinks my humor is funny
~speaks to others with an open heart and compassion
~loves experimenting in the kitchen and enjoys going to the farmer's market to shop locally
~dedicated to his profession
~has a belief in something greater than himself and a connection to all beings
~empathetic not apathetic
~musical talent or at least an appreciation of it
~always striving to grow and learn and make a difference
~loves to receive massage
~supportive of my dreams and motivates me to achieve my goals
~likes weekend get aways and traveling
~will love my sister and watch out for her as much as I do
~knows that sometimes you need a lazy Sunday to do nothing but stare
~has a life outside of me but will include me in it by having great communication skills
~has solid friendships
~will help me find a beer I actually like!
~Can help me with my technological challenges
~appreciates the humor of my clumsiness
~thinks I'm beautiful-my soul and my appearance
~loves spontaneous adventures and spontaneous sex
~appreciation for synchronicities and the journey of life
~will think that it's awesome and not crazy when I just 'get a feeling about something'
~likes surprises
~mutual respect
~goofy sense of humor
~his energy matches mine
~believes that tomorrow is always another opportunity to start over
~understands what I'm trying to create in this world and me understanding his creation
~grounded
~knows how and wants to work through his "stuff." Uses the tools he is taught in life.
~knows and respects that I require alone time
~likes doing home projects
~the love that we have for ourselves and each other inspires others to find true happiness and joy
~really awesome hot sex-and whenever I want it. yep!!
~taller than me and hair I can run my fingers through
~is actually ready to meet me
~passion for something, anything, to let me know he is present, alive and actually living
~wants to create the most gorgeous child that ever existed
~wit and sarcasm
~inspires me to be the best person I can be
That's what I want. That's what I deserve. Whoever you are inside is directly reflected in the life you live and the people you surround yourself with.
On my hike today, I thought about all the guys I've dated. I thought about the lessons from each relationship and how none of them honored who I am. I realized that in the past I have truly rejected myself, so how in the world would I attract someone who would not reject me? I firmly believe you are your thoughts, that you create your own reality.
I sat down on a park bench and wrote. As I get more clear about who I am and what I want to be, I realize more and more what I would need in a romantic partner. They say you have to write it down to make it real. So here it is: I'm writing this all down to hold myself accountable to what is acceptable to me if I'm going to share my heart with someone. I'm not up to screwing around anymore...it leaves me empty and unsatisfied. I'm not looking for someone that wants that. Here is what I came up with. I know there is no such thing as the perfect person, but there is such a thing as loving yourself enough to know that these things are vital to have the kind of relationship that's worth having.
~Trust-safety to be myself and he himself with me.
~He has goals and a plan to achieve them
~Enjoys outdoor activities
~Gets me on a deep spiritual level of being
~makes me smile whenever he crosses my mind
~health conscious about his diet and exercise
~has time and energy to want to grow in our relationship together
~drop dead handsome
~ability to make me laugh and also he thinks my humor is funny
~speaks to others with an open heart and compassion
~loves experimenting in the kitchen and enjoys going to the farmer's market to shop locally
~dedicated to his profession
~has a belief in something greater than himself and a connection to all beings
~empathetic not apathetic
~musical talent or at least an appreciation of it
~always striving to grow and learn and make a difference
~loves to receive massage
~supportive of my dreams and motivates me to achieve my goals
~likes weekend get aways and traveling
~will love my sister and watch out for her as much as I do
~knows that sometimes you need a lazy Sunday to do nothing but stare
~has a life outside of me but will include me in it by having great communication skills
~has solid friendships
~will help me find a beer I actually like!
~Can help me with my technological challenges
~appreciates the humor of my clumsiness
~thinks I'm beautiful-my soul and my appearance
~loves spontaneous adventures and spontaneous sex
~appreciation for synchronicities and the journey of life
~will think that it's awesome and not crazy when I just 'get a feeling about something'
~likes surprises
~mutual respect
~goofy sense of humor
~his energy matches mine
~believes that tomorrow is always another opportunity to start over
~understands what I'm trying to create in this world and me understanding his creation
~grounded
~knows how and wants to work through his "stuff." Uses the tools he is taught in life.
~knows and respects that I require alone time
~likes doing home projects
~the love that we have for ourselves and each other inspires others to find true happiness and joy
~really awesome hot sex-and whenever I want it. yep!!
~taller than me and hair I can run my fingers through
~is actually ready to meet me
~passion for something, anything, to let me know he is present, alive and actually living
~wants to create the most gorgeous child that ever existed
~wit and sarcasm
~inspires me to be the best person I can be
That's what I want. That's what I deserve. Whoever you are inside is directly reflected in the life you live and the people you surround yourself with.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
I can make an analogy out of anything...
I can make an analogy out of anything, which is why I’m probably missing my calling as an inspirational writer. Oh well. Here’s my latest:
This weekend I was home alone cleaning, waiting for my sister to get done with work so I could pick her up. I looked for the thousandth time at my bathroom sink. This sink has been clogged for years and I’ve never gotten it fixed. Why? I just live with it…something that bothers me everyday, but not enough to actually do something about it. I become busy with something else, ignoring the sink. But then again, every morning, it clogs and it frustrates me. It eventually clears, but it’s always dirty…I clean it and it gets clogged again…never truly going away. This night, I decided to try fixing it.
I googled “how to fix a clogged sink” and it was easy as pie. I filled the sink half way up with water and took a plunger to it and gave it hell. Well, it was a bit gross and clumps of hair came up, but what surprised me the most was what I saw next. There, in the water, was a blue marble. I used to have these floating candle columns when I first moved in here with blue marbles on the bottom. I laughed and laughed. This whole time, this whole situation was so easily fixable. I had poured drain-o down that sink a million times. I had tried baking soda and boiling water to no avail. But you see, none of that would have cleared it up. It made a difference in that it ran a bit better for awhile, but it always became clogged again. I needed to remove the marble. And here’s where my profound thought comes into play:
We all have marbles in our sink. Feelings, emotions, hurts, wants, needs, and love that get shoved down into the pits of unawareness. It is only by awareness that the marble clogs us up and we must clear it out. If we are so unaware and meekly just existing, marbles might be so obvious to other people in our lives, but not to us at all. We can meditate, exercise, think about other things, throw ourselves into activities and hobbies, but these are all ways to just pour drain-o into the sink. The only way to be clear is to decide for yourself that you WANT to do this, even though it may be so hard. But, then again, it might be easy as pie. The latter is what worked for me, and I’m so very glad.
I’ve had an interesting week. An awesome, amazing, inspirational week. I’ve found compassion in the strangest of places. I’ve learned lessons that I’ve been working on for years. Why? Because I decided the marble wasn’t tolerable anymore. I decided I want to live in Technicolor and not black and white. It’s so much better having my sink clear, literally and figuratively. It’s just so much better. But, I didn’t know it could be this good. Living with my sink clogged for so long, I thought that was the only way to be.
Open your heart up to yourself. You’ll be amazed at what you will discover. I’ve lived so inauthentically to myself for so long. I forgot everything I loved and what made me who I am. I was so distracted by caring what others thought of me, that I missed the big picture and the lessons they were trying to teach me in the first place.
I’ve discovered the joys of what I love. I love hiking and being in nature. I love being by the water. I love exercise. I love horses. I love feeling and expressing joy. I love taking pictures. I love singing (still working there). I love the feeling of getting up early and enjoying the day. I love reading about everything that interests me. I love having a spiritual practice I call my own. I love feeling connected to everything. I love feeling part of a bigger picture. I love tending to my houseplants. I love planting herbs and cooking with them. I love my flowers every summer. I love new adventures. I love inspiring others. I love being sarcastic and funny. I love to cry tears of joy. And I love to let go and be unattached. Most of all, I love you if you are in my life.
I’ve wasted too much time caring what others think or me and feeling not good enough. I’ve let that happen. That was really stupid looking back. It’s interesting how something that was once such a big deal really doesn’t matter anymore. Lessons learned. I wish I would have picked up on that about two years ago, but eh, we all have our own timelines.
I challenge you to purge your marbles. Stop pouring in drain-o. You’ll just have to deal with it again. It might have a different face to it, a different place to it or even a different theme, but it will still be there. So stop, chill, and get that marble outta there. You’ll be glad you did.
And don’t even think about making a joke about snaking my drain. I’ve already thought of them all, and they are hysterical…but I’m trying to be professional here.
This weekend I was home alone cleaning, waiting for my sister to get done with work so I could pick her up. I looked for the thousandth time at my bathroom sink. This sink has been clogged for years and I’ve never gotten it fixed. Why? I just live with it…something that bothers me everyday, but not enough to actually do something about it. I become busy with something else, ignoring the sink. But then again, every morning, it clogs and it frustrates me. It eventually clears, but it’s always dirty…I clean it and it gets clogged again…never truly going away. This night, I decided to try fixing it.
I googled “how to fix a clogged sink” and it was easy as pie. I filled the sink half way up with water and took a plunger to it and gave it hell. Well, it was a bit gross and clumps of hair came up, but what surprised me the most was what I saw next. There, in the water, was a blue marble. I used to have these floating candle columns when I first moved in here with blue marbles on the bottom. I laughed and laughed. This whole time, this whole situation was so easily fixable. I had poured drain-o down that sink a million times. I had tried baking soda and boiling water to no avail. But you see, none of that would have cleared it up. It made a difference in that it ran a bit better for awhile, but it always became clogged again. I needed to remove the marble. And here’s where my profound thought comes into play:
We all have marbles in our sink. Feelings, emotions, hurts, wants, needs, and love that get shoved down into the pits of unawareness. It is only by awareness that the marble clogs us up and we must clear it out. If we are so unaware and meekly just existing, marbles might be so obvious to other people in our lives, but not to us at all. We can meditate, exercise, think about other things, throw ourselves into activities and hobbies, but these are all ways to just pour drain-o into the sink. The only way to be clear is to decide for yourself that you WANT to do this, even though it may be so hard. But, then again, it might be easy as pie. The latter is what worked for me, and I’m so very glad.
I’ve had an interesting week. An awesome, amazing, inspirational week. I’ve found compassion in the strangest of places. I’ve learned lessons that I’ve been working on for years. Why? Because I decided the marble wasn’t tolerable anymore. I decided I want to live in Technicolor and not black and white. It’s so much better having my sink clear, literally and figuratively. It’s just so much better. But, I didn’t know it could be this good. Living with my sink clogged for so long, I thought that was the only way to be.
Open your heart up to yourself. You’ll be amazed at what you will discover. I’ve lived so inauthentically to myself for so long. I forgot everything I loved and what made me who I am. I was so distracted by caring what others thought of me, that I missed the big picture and the lessons they were trying to teach me in the first place.
I’ve discovered the joys of what I love. I love hiking and being in nature. I love being by the water. I love exercise. I love horses. I love feeling and expressing joy. I love taking pictures. I love singing (still working there). I love the feeling of getting up early and enjoying the day. I love reading about everything that interests me. I love having a spiritual practice I call my own. I love feeling connected to everything. I love feeling part of a bigger picture. I love tending to my houseplants. I love planting herbs and cooking with them. I love my flowers every summer. I love new adventures. I love inspiring others. I love being sarcastic and funny. I love to cry tears of joy. And I love to let go and be unattached. Most of all, I love you if you are in my life.
I’ve wasted too much time caring what others think or me and feeling not good enough. I’ve let that happen. That was really stupid looking back. It’s interesting how something that was once such a big deal really doesn’t matter anymore. Lessons learned. I wish I would have picked up on that about two years ago, but eh, we all have our own timelines.
I challenge you to purge your marbles. Stop pouring in drain-o. You’ll just have to deal with it again. It might have a different face to it, a different place to it or even a different theme, but it will still be there. So stop, chill, and get that marble outta there. You’ll be glad you did.
And don’t even think about making a joke about snaking my drain. I’ve already thought of them all, and they are hysterical…but I’m trying to be professional here.
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