I am ready now

This weekend I participated in a workshop at Tibia massage school. It was a workshop based in Foundations of Healing, where the format produced a space to heal and let go and transform. It was probably one of the most moving experiences in my life. I really feel like a new woman after this weekend.

There were so many things in my life that have been hurting so much lately. I know now that the events have led up to this transformation and healing. I know now I needed that last push away to heal myself and start moving in a new direction.

I went into the workshop with a stuck mentality, a negative attitude and complete skeptism. The facilitator is intuitive and with all the mixed messages I've been getting with that stuff lately, I wasn't looking forward to it. I know now its because it is exactly what I needed, and my negative ego/personality traits were drawing me away from healing and figuring it all out. I needed to find a balance and I think I found that this weekend.

The group was very diverse, which made it great. After we filled out worksheets about our greatest fears, what we were afraid of having and the like, it was really interesting to see common patterns in my life come up for me. This upset me, because now that I was becoming aware, I just wanted to FIX everything and DO something and make it all ok. I learned to surrender. It creates a space instead of trapping it.

We did an exercise where the facilitator intuitively selected music to assist us with just allowing emotions and messages come to the surface. I again needed to "test" myself and I asked for a message in the next song for me. There has been something on my mind constantly, and the the song that played was exactly what I needed to hear to let it go. It was amazing, and I was like wow, I knew that was for me. After that, I asked her why it is so hard to let go, and she said that the song was for me, and that I shouldn't take it literally, but just know there is healing occuring and it is exactly as it should be, which I needed to hear.

We did an exercise where we had to practice being present in the moment. It was awful. We had to take turns with each person in the class and just keep eye contact and not say ANYTHING..and just be present and notice what comes up. This taught me the most about myself. I was so extremely uncomfortable. I noticed all my insecurities come out and reminded myself how I look away a lot when I'm talking with somebody because it produces so much emotion for me. When I was paired up with one of my best friends, we just cried and cried. We are such a mirror for each other, and there comes a point in everyone's life where we just have to realize how connected we all are, no matter what drama comes up or what occurs in our relationships. The realization that there is so much more than meets the eye. We can avoid it time and time again, and there it will be, back in our face to deal with.

I went home feeling pretty great. There was a girl in the class that wasn't grasping anything about what was happening, and I was able to relate it to her in a way she understood. It was awesome.


The second day was by far the most amazing. We did another intuitive music session. Now, music has always been important in my life, but somewhere along the line I lost my voice. I'm a singer, and I get scared to sing, I get shy. I don't know how/why this happened. The facilitator said this music was going to be a lot more emotionally charged than yesterday's. I was doing pretty well keeping things in check, but then a few songs really triggered some deep emotions inside of me, but it's what I needed to hear for there to be a clearing, for those emotions to be triggered, so they can be cleared away and figured out.

The most profound moment came when there was patriotic music playing and I heard my grandpa that passed away that I need to sing more again. I used to sing the national anthem in high school and college, so it was pretty fitting. I wrote down on my paper, "Do what you LOVE, sing." The facilitator then came over and told me to go over and sit by my friend and SING. I couldn't believe it. That's how I know this was coming from such a sacred, beautiful place. We sang the next song together and cried through it, but it was so great to have found our voices again, and we needed each other to do it. It was incredible. It was so healing and so amazing.

I got lots of advice about my confusion lately and learned the difference between getting messages and signs from somebody's higher self and what it presently occuring. That cleared up pretty much everything for me, and I was just able to let go and just be and pay attention to theses patterns and emotions coming up. We talked so much as a group about just life and everything and AHHH it was just so incredible. I've never felt so free and something HUGE lifted out of my solar plexus and I feel a million times lighter, I feel myself. I feel connected. It was interesting because when we've done reiki, a friend of mine noticed that block in me, and he tried to move it, and it helped, but I was the one who had to do it for myself and let it go.

At the end of the workshop we just shared some more of what we were feeling. When my friend and I were singing, the girl who didn't "get this" had a lot of stuff come up and felt we were singing for her. We were singing for us....but were we really??? She needed to hear that too, and well the space was created for it. Beautiful.

I've learned so much this weekend about myself and others. I think the biggest thing I've learned is that as humans, we all face the same insecurities, anxieties, blissful moments, etc...they just manifest and play out in different ways. It is great to get to the level of just being real with someone, which I felt really occured this weekend. It was great because all that was facilitated was a space to heal and learn, we did it all on our own...we weren't told anything. It was genuine. It was love. And I feel my connection again. And I've realized how I made mistakes always wanting to fix everything for everyone. I was able to be honest and kind with myself and recognize it. I'm human, we all are, we make mistakes. It happens.

I don't think I've ever been at a better place than I am right now. I needed this weekend. It was truly transformational. A lot of times I think we don't want to admit there are things we need to work on with ourselves and hide it in so many different ways, whether it be staying really busy or drinking and drugs or whatever. But I learned this weekend once you can acknowledge that part of yourself and feel it and use the tools presented to help yourself, clearing it out is much easier than I thought.

The last song she played before we left was actually a song I used to sing with my two best friends all the time when we led the church praise team. I couldn't believe it. It's not a popular song and I knew it was for me to remember that people come in and out of our lives for a reason, but we are always connected. I just needed that reminder. Life is beautiful, it really really is. It's really important to get clear with yourself. I'm happy to be on my way and learning ways to do so and have such amazing supportive relationships around me to have created this space.