Breakthrough

I’m not entirely sure why I’m not just keeping this in my private journal, but I feel the need for this space, and I’m going to use it. I had a really moving experience tonight at Intuitive Guidance class. We had to practice ‘holding space for someone and not say anything and just be present for 15 minutes. The basic concept is that the person holding a space creates a safe environment for the receiver.

When it was my turn to receive, I was just open and able to allow it to flow through. I know I have a difficult time receiving in many areas of my life, and it’s certainly something I’ve been working on. I didn’t have any expectations or agendas and just was present to whatever came up.

I was very surprised when I started to hear “Thank You For Loving Me” play in my head. My initial reaction was “no way-this is old news and so done” but I started to feel really unsettled-like it was still so unresolved and it needed to be completed. I don’t know if I was empathing part of what Dan feels, but I felt guilt and a sense of failure. I felt guilty for being childish for how I acted in the end and with him since our relationship ended. He just went so ‘crazy’ and so out of control and I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I felt failure because I couldn’t save him from himself. I’ve since learned that there isn’t anything I can do or give to someone to do that, but that was a hard lesson.

The truth is hard to admit and it still feels extremely uncomfortable being right in my face, forcing me to look at it. You can’t just bury something and not talk about it and expect it to just disappear. There I was, with this woman I barely know with all the emotional vomit just coming up and up and up. Then I felt something metaphysical grab the back of my hair and pull my head up since I was looking down. It kept pulling until my eyes reached a point high on the shelf where I was looking at Chelsea’s wedding picture. I felt my filters coming in; I wasn’t quite sure what it meant. My head could not move. Having something metaphysical touch me is still a new experience for me-so it was pretty bizarre. There have only been a few times where I’ve felt almost like paralysis because I was supposed to stay somewhere, even if my ego resisted it. My head stayed and my eyes locked into that picture until I got it. What came to me was I thought by now I would have that in my life-and I needed to be present with the fact t that it just hasn’t happened and its ok. I needed to accept the fact that I really did love him, despite who he was-it didn’t’ matter-I really loved him.

I realize this needs completion if I want to really let any other man in. It’s strange-I always have attracted emotionally unavailable men into my life since that relationship ended. Now I know why-I’m not emotionally available either. That really clicked in tonight and it is so uncomfortable.

I thank God for this year. I’ve learned so much. It’s like Life 101 on meth. All the connections I’ve made-while amazing-they aren’t unique or special. I felt that same connection with a stranger tonight. It was because she was holding that space for me to receive I was able to get in touch with myself-and anybody can do that for anybody. It’s quite amazing what possibilities that opens up.

It amazes me that I’m in a position right not that I couldn’t even date if I wanted to. I work full time and go to school full time and have clients for energetic work. I have created no space in my life for it and I know it’s because this emotional vomit needs to be cleared out so I can live from my authentic self and attract the relationship into my life that will be right for me and be a space for others. Imagine if we could all speak from our authentic selves-who we really are at the core-that’s where I want to live from. Now I have to allow this completion to come about. I’m grateful I’m fully supported. I’m so happy I’m at Tibia and so happy to have so many awesome supportive people in my life that I can be a support for as well. I’m still boggled about the connections…maybe there are some people we just choose to keep going through lifetimes with because we just ‘get’ each other. Maybe it’s because we decide we need to experience and learn certain things and we are ‘requested’ to trigger things for another. I have no idea. What I do know is that it still amazes me…while not unique, it certainly feels like being home and being safe. I really like that. I like it a lot.