Feb 11, 2008

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

But what if who you need, isn't there? The person you need the most doesn't need you. It's the bitter irony of finally allowing yourself to open up, but it just isn't there anymore. You breathe. You listen. You hear within yourself what it is really about. You hold your head high and smile, and try not to show the world you are dying inside. We crawl into our cocoons and find what is comfortable for us, never allowing ourselves to step into the sun.

This too shall pass. Rejection brings on the most difficult human emotions. It is there, and it is being triggered. But is it worth it? Is it worth it to keep putting yourself out there? I wonder if anyone will stay sometimes. Valentine's Day will be another reminder that not one guy in this world thinks I'm worthy of affection and flowers. It will be shoved into my face all day. I suppose that is one way to look at it-another being a feeling of hope that one day I will have that too. It usually doesn't matter, but tonight, I just need to be held. That isn't happening. So you try and remind yourself of the inner connecting of the world, and be with it.

I have to wonder what my lesson is in all of this. Surrendering to uncertainty can be so uncomfortable, but it's the only way to be free.

I miss you Grandpa Russell. You'd always say the right thing. I wish I could hear you now. It's hard to find people who will love you no matter what.