It's been a year....

Dear Grandpa,

I can't believe that it's already been a year since you died. It still seems like you are on an extended vacation somewhere amazing and will come back with gifts and great stories for all of us. I wonder what you are doing on the Other Side, if it even exists. I'd imagine you are making sure Brian and TJ stay in line and out of my shower and spending a lot of time playing golf. Please tell Niki hello.

The day you died I was in the middle of training at my new job. I checked my phone at lunch and had 17 missed calls. I just knew. I was glad I got to see you a few nights before at Britter's flashlight dance. The Coldplay song brought tears to my eyes, "Lights will guide you home." That song has come to be important to me this year. When I hear it, I always remember you. "When you lose something you cannot replace..."

We all gathered at Grandma's house. It was so weird that it wasn't your house anymore. Your watch and coat were still on the desk, it seemed like it wasn't real. It couldn't be real. Grandma told me that you thought I was really something else. That you really thought a lot of me. I really thought a lot of you too. I guess I never really told you that. I'm sorry.

Your funeral was pretty surreal. I sang for you. It was the hardest song I've ever sang. I think it was then that I realized I'd never see you again. Looking at your body made me get over my fear of dead bodies. They don't scare me anymore. I just don't want a dead body to be anyone else that I know. It's too hard.

The day before you died, this amazing guy came over to my house. He kissed me and we were seeing crazy patterns in my room. He's really great, you'd like him a lot. He took care of me when you died too. He came over and helped me sleep when I really needed too. It didn't work out with us, but it's ok. I guess he just, well he just wasn't something. We're still friends, some days better than others. He teases me all the time, but it's fun. I felt cheated and that it was unfair that I'd be shown a time like that, a person like that, to have it fall apart. You always told me these things happen for a reason. Right? I know there is someone out there who will want me, the timing just isn't right or something. Maybe you already have an idea of who it is? I always say, when it's been a year, that something can finally be over. So maybe that memory will be over now. There's been a few guys I've been out with, but nobody compares. Nobody even comes close. Life doesn't give you time to be sad. You just have to keep moving.

I also have a new roommate. You'd tell her she's full of piss and vinegar as you always said. I'm still not really sure what that means, but I think she'd think it's hilarious. She's like my soul mate. We do the craziest things together. I know you would just love her, I'd probably bring her to holidays if you were still around. She's the best thing that's probably ever happened to me. She even took me to her Grandparent's house. Her Grandpa reminds me so much of you!!! It was such a comfort to be around them, just like the days of hanging out with you and Grandma. I hope she stays forever. You always told me if I had one good friend, I'd be ok. So I'm ok.

You know the two blondes that were at your funeral? We don't really talk anymore. We kind of knew that we'd all go our seperate ways for awhile. It makes me sad. Thinking of how close the three of us were when you died, to what is true now. It blows my mind, I could not be sadder about it. I think I'm too attached to people. They mean to much to me. It makes me want to call them. That' s how friendships fall apart. People mean too much to each other, then there comes a point where neither know what to say. And nothing is said. Nothing happens. Then one day, you just aren't a part of each other anymore.

I met some other great people this year. My friends Jess and Ray. They make me smile. I'm happy just to be around them. They are good stuff. Really good stuff.

I started massage school this year. I'm in love with it. Michaela owns the school. She's the most amazing woman I've ever met. If I can be half the woman she is someday, I will consider myself successful. My classmates are just amazing. We are a soul group for sure. We all just, I don't know, I can't explain it. They are my reason for getting up in the morning sometimes. Everyone just adds something to it. I've met someone who is going to teach me how to help mold victims. You always freaked out about mold and it's damaging effects on people. People all over the world contact her and her father for testing and help. I'll be able to help these people some day. I met a man who makes me laugh ever single moment. I find so much comfort in him. He does tons of plays, you'd love to see them. I wanted to take Grandma to some, but she's in Florida right now.

I know you weren't thrilled that I wanted to be a massage therapist, but I really love it. In fact, it's made me want to be a doctor. A naturopathic one. I can already hear you saying, "what the hell is that?" but I will help people. Help people like you who had cancer and no chance. Help them be more comfortable, maybe even create miracles. Someday, I'll be a doctor. It'll take awhile, but it is my dream. I hope you're proud of me. I think you'll be happy that two of your grand daughters will be doctors.

I'm in a show now, Guys and Dolls. It's going ok. I don't know, I think I'm losing my passion for theater, and I'm ok with it. Other things are becoming more important to me. I like the girls I'm in the show with. I wish you could see it. You'd really like it. I know how much you liked coming to my shows and concerts. I'll really miss seeing you there. It's those times. Those times when you are supposed to be there, and you're not. That's what really hurts the most.

I'm trying to reach out to Dad. He's taken everything so hard, he's falling apart. I'm trying to take care of Britters. Maybe you could help. I don't know if I'm doing anything right. I'm just doing the best I can.

I miss you a lot. Especially when I'm in Oregon. I used to come and surprise you at the office, but you aren't there anymore. Sometimes I forget. I still think you're on vacation.

This year has been the best and worst year ever. So many ups and downs. I think about you a lot, probably almost everyday. I wonder if you'd be proud of me, I wonder if you'd be upset that I'm crying. You always told me to stop crying and smile. You and Niki must get along very well.

I just wanted to write you and let you know how the past year has been. Maryanne is having a baby boy!!! Stacy and Matt are moving to Wausau and Lauren is over a year old now!!!

I hope all is well with you. I'd like to hear from you soon. I talk to everyone else's dead relatives...why not you? That was really cool when you showed up in my session with Michaela. Thanks!

Tell TJ and Brian to take it easy and give Niki a hug for me.

I love you and miss you every day,

Love
Jess