Is my job killing me?

I've been wondering this thought for the past week. I've been having some interesting health issues for about three weeks now, and finally after some coaxing for a friend, I'm going to the doctor. The catch is-I can't go until next Friday because my job won't let me. "Too much time out of the office" is what they tell us, as if customer's not knowing how to roast a turkey is more important.

I have to make all my appointments before work, which is pretty hard to do when you work at 8:30 am. I probably roll my eyes about 200 times a day and whisper to myself "I just can't fucking do this anymore," at least that many as well. When I'm out the door, I'm great. I'm happy, social, and free.

I know I'm already more than halfway done with school, which is so exciting, but can I really do this for five more months? Do I really hate myself this much to subject myself to this everyday? Am I really doing a disservice to myself and society because this is not what I'm meant to do or talented at? Am I really that financially stuck by deciding to grow up too fast when I was 23 and bought property? The answer must be yes, because I'm still there, hating it.

My nervous system is shot. When you are on edge and miserable for that long of a time, with little exercise all day, it puts your system physically and energetically into a new state. My sympathetic nervous system is on overdrive so much that I can't even digest anything properly anymore. I'm chronically fatigued because I wear myself out to exhaustion. Why? I have no idea.

It's pretty disturbing that you hope you have to have surgery and you are really sick as to not have to go back to work for awhile. I need out. How am I going to do this? There has to be a way for me to survive and make as much money somewhere else or get this condo sold in a dead market without losing $20,000. MAN! Lorelai Gilmore could get herself out of this situation. There has to be hope.

My job is slowly killing me. I've watched myself go from a fun loving, energetic, smarty, witty and sarcastic gal a year ago to someone I don't recognize from 8:30-5 and sometimes even before and after that because of the state I'm in. I've still got the sarcasm, but it's turned from funny to harsh. What is the world is going on? Why in the world do I want this for myself? What is keeping me from something else? That's where I must look, and that's usually the most painful.

Those who don't go within, go without. I'm very tired of going without my soul. I kinda need it back please.