Bubbling Up

I'm really starting to get sick of the nightmares...two more today during my nap. After an intense reiki session last night, I'm getting closer to my "attacker." This time, I was about to go to sleep in my dream. I laid down on the side of the bed that I normally don't lay on. I was on my side, facing my door, and I saw that something was tossing and turning next to me under the covers. I was scared, but I decided to push it off the bed. As I went into push it, this huge force wooshed back at me and I felt myself being pushed back almost like a blast or something. I woke up, with a huge breath, sitting up in bed.

The second one involved my ex boyfriend wanting to be with me again. I was with my roommate at some random bar in the combination or Madison-Whitewater land. I had a dream about this place one year ago. We went outside, there was my ex, hugging me, not letting go. I told him to get off of me because it was really uncomfortable. He kept clinging and then this insane guy came up and started screaming at Sarah, but she just kept walking ahead. We were taken to this "shady" home with all these "shady characters." There was small stage with jail bars across it. The cops came and took this insane guy up to the stage where there was a small DJ booth. He sat on stage right, then the dj booth center stage, and the cop stage left. The insane guy kept screaming and screaming these things at her. There were all these shady people walking around...a prostitute, g-funk drug addict guy, etc. The cops didn't really do anything...then I woke up.

I'm scared to go back to sleep lately. I think it's interesting that I'm getting closer to whatever it is that is "eating me up inside." This fear. Physically closer in each dream, now I'm able to touch it after the reiki session. During the reiki session I had intense past life and this life memories come up that I obviously wasn't aware of and also had buried because it was so painful. I remember him carrying my broken body in the past life. I remember what someone else did to me during this life, that I had long buried in my subconscious. Painful, awful and nasty stuff that had been sitting in my body.

I'm glad it's bubbling up. If it didn't, it would always sit there keeping me blocked in my patterns. We are starting to study Jin Shin Do in school. I love it. I love Taoism and the concepts of Chinese Medicine far more that I thought I would. Qi Gong has been interesting because through instruction, I have found that my Qi is really out of whack. I have too much yang, too much heat...and it also manifests in these hot, intesense, feverish flashes that my doctor was concerned about. It's hard to differentiate what is physical, what is emotional...not that it really matters...it's all one in the same.

My feelings are bubbling up. It's so unreal to me that I'm even having these feelings. I've been friends with this person since high school, and I'm just NOW realizing it's more than that? Seriously? I wonder if they are real and really about him, or they are just about my desire to have someone really "get me." He's the closest I have to that right now. Perhaps that's it. I just wonder, as humans, how much we push below the surface, in order not to see? Perhaps the things we think that are so important...that person, that job, that "thing," that whatever it is, is really just covering up what needs to be dealt with below. Does it ever stop?

I'm clear now about what this lifetime is for me. I've wanted that answer for so long and I got it in the reiki session. Well, at least I got the answer of why I do the things I do, and the patterns that have run my life. I just hope the doctors find something from these tests and the nightmares stop. I know they won't, until this stuff is cleared through. I wonder if all this pain and suffering will be worth it, in the end?