The last couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking about where my life has taken me. And that’s exactly what has happened…my life has taken me places…I haven’t really sought out a lot of goals…they just sort of happen to me. It’s time to take action instead of always just letting things happen.
I’m blessed to work for two doctors who inspire me to be the best person I can be. They care about mine and Geri’s well being so much. Every Tuesday we have training and sometimes those trainings are something like, “Write down goals for yourself and don’t censor them.” Then we get worksheets that break it into achievable steps. Dr. Rob and Dr. Dawn are impressive people. They help, heal and don’t give up. We’ve created a super successful practice in just 7 months….doctors that have been in practice for many years have come to visit us just to see how we run things. The business savvy is incredible.
Seeing how they have plans, set goals and achieve them has been inspiring and also eye opening. When’s the last time you seriously sat down with yourself and were honest about what you want to accomplish in this lifetime? When’s the last time you actually were clear enough in yourself and who you are that you KNEW what you wanted to achieve?
Things happen to us that kill our dreams. If you think back to when you were a child, what was it that you wanted to do with your life? Now pause and think…who killed that dream for you? We are conditioned by our mother, father, teachers and preachers. Sometimes they can be the dream crushers…sometimes it is our friends or other role models. When we were younger, we don’t really know how to claim full responsibility for our lives. Now that we are adults, it’s time to take responsibility for your life. Nobody can make you feel less than or unworthy unless you let them. I think I’ve let about every guy I’ve dated make me feel that way. What a waste of time.
After high school, most of us go to college. For some, it can be a whirlwind of partying…I know it was for me. I was having a conversation with my brother the other night about how I feel I’m getting less intelligent by the minute. He felt the same. We discussed diet and exercise and how those things make such a difference. I made a commitment to myself to stop drinking soda and eating fast food. What a difference…I feel so much better physically and can sleep much better at night. You have to take care of yourself in order to make a difference in the world…for yourself, for others and for the planet.
When I was young, I thought by the time I was thirty, I would have achieved much more than I have thus far. I’m 29 years old. In ten years, I’ll be close to 40. That’s scary and also inspiration to act now. The years keep passing by and with time wasted goes life wasted.
We all crave the comfort of being a part of something greater than ourselves. If we are not, we live a selfish life infested with fear instead of love and compassion.
I’ve wanted to live on a horse ranch since I can remember. Goals are about taking small steps to achieve the bigger picture. I don’t know if I still want to own horses, but I’ve defineintely missed taking lessons and being around that life style for about…oh….23 years. What took me so long? I got busy with life. It’s no excuse. Do what makes you happy. I’m meeting the horse I will being riding lessons with on Friday. I haven’t been this excited about something in a long time. Fill your life with joy. It’s much too easy to get caught up in “I’ll do this later, or someday…..”
So what have I really done? Well, I’ve done a lot of stupid high school plays and musicals and community theater that nobody remembers....not even me really, I’ve worked a lot of desk jobs listening to people complain that I really don’t care about, I’ve sang the national anthem at about a thousand sporting events…pshaw, I’ve loved and then lost and spent wayyy too much time on the loss than the love….which prevents new love from coming into your life and enjoying what you have, and I’ve spent a lot of time laying on the couch and eating horrible foods….my body deteriorating rapidly from phenomenally strong to pretty weak and flabby. None of these things seem to matter much in life.
But, I’ve also saved a cat’s life. I’ve helped patients in chronic pain become pain free. I’ve massaged essential oils into my sister’s feet to calm her down after her first heartbreak. I’ve looked into another’s eyes and saw a reflection of who they truly are. I’ve witnessed miracles at Tibia, and I’ve massaged the heartache and body ache from people who have lost a loved one to AIDS. These things I remember. They seemed to matter.
Do the things that make a difference and bring joy to your life. We all suffer, it’s human nature. But really, what’s the point of being dark and twisty when you truly don’t have to be? The only reason to be dark is to live your life in constant fear….fear of how amazing you actually are…if you were to express what your soul truly desires.
I’m 29 and I’m freaking out, but inspired. I don’t want to tell my friends and family that I regret not doing something. I don’t want to live life like that. Unfortunately on earth, we live in time. Time runs out. And so do we. We all will die….so be the change you wish to see in the world, because if you aren’t, what will anyone have to look forward to?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Suit Up
You ever wonder why some people really seem to have their shit together...I mean, really together. They exercise, eat well, have a clean and organized home, have loving relationships and have a job that makes a difference in other people's lives and they enjoy working. They seem to have a glowing energy, one that encourages others, creates possibilities and inspires love and acceptance.
I think the answer is self love. To truly care for yourself so much that you don't accept anything but the best possible situation. Your friendships and people who surround you are a reflection of who you want to be. They support your true self and love and accept you as you are. It's a beautiful thing.
It's so hard to break our old patterns. We are so conditioned to respond in a certain way. It takes a conscious mind and a commitment to staying present to see how to change, and how to make a difference.
I'm no longer satisfied with half assed. I've been keeping a food journal as of late because Dr. Dawn is going to help me with my nutritional needs. I eat absolute garbage. But, until I wrote it all down, I really didn't have the awareness of it. I think it's a good idea to just stop and write it all down. We may not be where we want to be at all...all it takes is a little awareness. Now that I have awareness, I will make different choices....however....I have a bad day....here....Culver's will make it better....it's conditioned. It's in breaking THAT deeper pattern that true success will prevail.
Sometimes when we make choices to lead us in a certain direction, everything that isn't working can and will fall away...either by your choice or by the Universe's choice. It's a time to re-group and re-focus on who you are and who you want to be. It's a time to set goals and create new possibilites for yourself. But, mostly, it's a time for action and non-action. What does that mean? Well, if you get it, you're already ahead of the game.
So, what in your life isn't working for you? Is it your home? Do you have a safe, clean and organized environment that makes your soul sing? Is it your relationships? Do you have a friend who drains you? Are you dating someone you're really "just not that into? Do you feel supported and free to express your true voice? Is it your body? Do you exercise? Eat foods that your body needs to function properly? Get enough consistent good sleep? These things are so VITAL, but we often don't give it much thought because we don't care about ourselves enough. If we don't care about our own well being, neither will anyone else.
Take a look at the people who surround you...they are a direct reflection of you. Suit up. It's your life.
I think the answer is self love. To truly care for yourself so much that you don't accept anything but the best possible situation. Your friendships and people who surround you are a reflection of who you want to be. They support your true self and love and accept you as you are. It's a beautiful thing.
It's so hard to break our old patterns. We are so conditioned to respond in a certain way. It takes a conscious mind and a commitment to staying present to see how to change, and how to make a difference.
I'm no longer satisfied with half assed. I've been keeping a food journal as of late because Dr. Dawn is going to help me with my nutritional needs. I eat absolute garbage. But, until I wrote it all down, I really didn't have the awareness of it. I think it's a good idea to just stop and write it all down. We may not be where we want to be at all...all it takes is a little awareness. Now that I have awareness, I will make different choices....however....I have a bad day....here....Culver's will make it better....it's conditioned. It's in breaking THAT deeper pattern that true success will prevail.
Sometimes when we make choices to lead us in a certain direction, everything that isn't working can and will fall away...either by your choice or by the Universe's choice. It's a time to re-group and re-focus on who you are and who you want to be. It's a time to set goals and create new possibilites for yourself. But, mostly, it's a time for action and non-action. What does that mean? Well, if you get it, you're already ahead of the game.
So, what in your life isn't working for you? Is it your home? Do you have a safe, clean and organized environment that makes your soul sing? Is it your relationships? Do you have a friend who drains you? Are you dating someone you're really "just not that into? Do you feel supported and free to express your true voice? Is it your body? Do you exercise? Eat foods that your body needs to function properly? Get enough consistent good sleep? These things are so VITAL, but we often don't give it much thought because we don't care about ourselves enough. If we don't care about our own well being, neither will anyone else.
Take a look at the people who surround you...they are a direct reflection of you. Suit up. It's your life.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Protection
Some times it feels as if the only way to actually survive in this world is to truly protect ourselves. Guard our hearts, our mouths and our minds against what has the potential to possibly destroy us emotionally. If you let your guard down, there will be people who take advantage of you, but also those who will genuinely care. If you open your heart to love, there will be those who reject you, but also those who are able to open their hearts to love too.
Choose wisely. It's not always the best idea to open up too fast and too soon. It's not always good to reflect and look backwards. It's just too painful. You just look straight ahead, don't say "no" to any plans, and one morning you wake up and it's all insignificant. Like waking up from a dream that never happened.
Choose wisely. It's not always the best idea to open up too fast and too soon. It's not always good to reflect and look backwards. It's just too painful. You just look straight ahead, don't say "no" to any plans, and one morning you wake up and it's all insignificant. Like waking up from a dream that never happened.
Monday, March 2, 2009
The day everything changed
When new patients come into the chiropractor's office where I work, they are required to fill out a health history intake form. Mostly, the questions have to do with pain. What kind of pain, where the pain is located, what happened to cause the pain..... I think about it like that and try to answer, how can I compartmentalize my pain in a bunch of small boxes to check today?
Today, the pain was sudden. It was intense. It was a burning, stabbing pain in my solar plexus. It was a headache pain...the pain you get when you do everything you can to keep your tears from flowing down your face. The kind of pain where you are planning on saying goodbye to someone, and then, the pain comes out of nowhere. It's an unexpected pain. A pain I didn't even know was truly there until it was palpated.
Previous is was a dull aching pain right in my heart. A pain that I knew I couldn't let go, and yet I couldn't move on with my life either. It's sadness. It's the worst kind of sadness and loneliness you can experience. Being a stranger to yourself in a life that has been so familiar for the past two years.
1998-Moving away from home to attend UWGB, truly ending the cycle of BLBJ...yes, the fab four actually had a acronym we were so tight.
2000-The first break-up with Dan. I should have kept it that way, but I needed to learn. I needed to grow.
2002-Meeting Kevin, prompting saying goodbye to the type of man I previously settled for.
2004-Chad and Dennis. The absolute loves of my life at the time. But, you choose what you choose.
2006-Derek-I was good enough to keep around for fun, but he was dating someone else...and didn't tell me.
2009 (ok, so a few more months to the two year time period)-the transition to a new way of friendship with two people, the dragon and the mermaid...
The sadness sometimes is almost unbearable...knowing that these fantastic people come into my life, and then, like everything, it has it's own cycle. It has it's own time-line that I can't control....and it's ok. Sometimes people fit, sometimes they don't, sometimes it changes. The thing that gives me comfort is that nothing is ever destroyed, it just changes form.
I feel like I broke up with someone today, which is kind of ridiculous because A. We're both straight, and B. We were never dating....but it feels the same emotionally nonetheless. It's just that, I feel, we get it. We understand. And it will be ok. It will take some adjustment not seeing her blond hair everywhere anymore and the fear that the connection we had will never be the same. The truth is, we all met when we needed each other. So badly. The mermaid, the dragon, and I.
I feel like I said goodbye to both on the same day, exiting as quickly as they entered. Like a Divine Intervention of sorts. But maybe it wasn't. I think I wanted it to be special. But the truth is, it really was extraordinary. It ripped open the next layer or my journey, and I wouldn't be the same without them. It's true. I'm so blessed for the experience.
I hope that it doesn't end, but I know that it won't be the same. I thought I was really over it, but judging by the instantaneous tears that formed while eating lunch, it was clear to me I wasn't. What's interesting is that I realize why I reacted to all the things we've been through the way I have. I feel complete with that part of it. So, why the tears? I think it was the knowing, the general sense of what the dragon and mermaid meant to me was changing, and may just disappear. Life is full or surprises, of beginnings and endings. It's a constant cycle and change, sometimes you fit, sometimes you don't. I had felt that feeling before with Jessie. We needed our year apart to grow together again. It's a sad, sad feeling. But it's a feeling that in hindsight, you know this is the best day ever.
It's true that time heals everything, however you can't speed it up. You just have to be with it, make it your friend. Sometimes I feel like I feel emotions so much stronger than the average person, that I love too hard and I put myself out there way too much. I just hope I made a difference.
I think back to the moment I saw that black and white picture. And I knew, I had to know him. I'm sad I didn't get to know him and find all the secrets behind his eyes, and enjoy all the things that make him uniquely him. I wish I'd be given the chance...but it wasn't mine to have then. I met him at a time I needed him and I loved him before I even met him. And it's a love that stands out of time. It just is. It's a love that transcends romance and friendship, it's just what it is. And I'm happy for him that he's able to open up to someone. His happiness is important to me....I just don't need to be the reason for it. A part of me wonders if I wouldn't have told him to audition for Madison theater, if he ever would have...if he would be doing what he's doing now. But it is neither here, nor there. It just is. I understand this. I realize his role on this stage. I just hope I made a difference.
I think back to moment he brought her to the red party. Banged up and defeated, she needed me, and I her. What resulted was one of the best friendships I have known. Someone who seemed to really understand. We all needed each other so much. To live, to learn, to grow. And I know she's able to swim away strong, passionate and whole. And I love her. It's a love that stands out of time, and we both get that. I told her we didn't need to go over what the past two years meant, because we don't. We both just know. It goes without saying. It's so hard when your life kicks you out....but it's just because you're forced to move on to what's next. Even when you don't want to...even when you know it's the best thing. Even when you feel like it's all just a strange dream.
I'll always look back at this time as the years of healing. How I transformed into a dragonfly...and how I'm finally comfortable with saying that. Because she and I are one in the same...we were never meant to belong or stay anywhere...we just glide and flutter and find people when they need us. That's just how it works. I can tell myself that nothing changed to day, but the truth is, everything has.
In the story that I will tell my children of how I found their father, I will talk about this day. And hopefully "Aunt Sarah" and "Uncle Jordan" will be around to hear it.
I hope these amazing people stay in my life, but today everything changed...and it's probably for the better. I love them both. They are people I will always do anything for, answer any 3 am call from and probably give a kidney for. However, I will not eat coconut for them. I draw the line there. This is the day that the next chapter starts...and it's ok. I am strong. I remember "this" night two years ago. The next day, my dragonfly showed up right on my porch screen.
The two things that stand out so much right now are the night by the lake, hearing his life story and the night we tried to watch Batman, but instead had to watch Dragonfly...where I heard hers. I hope, someday, when I am wherever I am, and they tell their life story to someone else, that I at least get an honorable mention.
I don't know what's next. But my life here doesn't fit anymore. I feel this constant and incessant tug at my heart strings to spread my wings and fly. Africa? Dubai? California? I don't know...but what I do know is I was born in this world to make a difference....and that's what I'll spend the rest of my life doing. I'm sure there will be many more 2 year cycles, or perhaps one day, it will break. People will show up and inspire you, love you, break you, and teach you. People will come and go, people will change. But love remains the same.
Today, the pain was sudden. It was intense. It was a burning, stabbing pain in my solar plexus. It was a headache pain...the pain you get when you do everything you can to keep your tears from flowing down your face. The kind of pain where you are planning on saying goodbye to someone, and then, the pain comes out of nowhere. It's an unexpected pain. A pain I didn't even know was truly there until it was palpated.
Previous is was a dull aching pain right in my heart. A pain that I knew I couldn't let go, and yet I couldn't move on with my life either. It's sadness. It's the worst kind of sadness and loneliness you can experience. Being a stranger to yourself in a life that has been so familiar for the past two years.
1998-Moving away from home to attend UWGB, truly ending the cycle of BLBJ...yes, the fab four actually had a acronym we were so tight.
2000-The first break-up with Dan. I should have kept it that way, but I needed to learn. I needed to grow.
2002-Meeting Kevin, prompting saying goodbye to the type of man I previously settled for.
2004-Chad and Dennis. The absolute loves of my life at the time. But, you choose what you choose.
2006-Derek-I was good enough to keep around for fun, but he was dating someone else...and didn't tell me.
2009 (ok, so a few more months to the two year time period)-the transition to a new way of friendship with two people, the dragon and the mermaid...
The sadness sometimes is almost unbearable...knowing that these fantastic people come into my life, and then, like everything, it has it's own cycle. It has it's own time-line that I can't control....and it's ok. Sometimes people fit, sometimes they don't, sometimes it changes. The thing that gives me comfort is that nothing is ever destroyed, it just changes form.
I feel like I broke up with someone today, which is kind of ridiculous because A. We're both straight, and B. We were never dating....but it feels the same emotionally nonetheless. It's just that, I feel, we get it. We understand. And it will be ok. It will take some adjustment not seeing her blond hair everywhere anymore and the fear that the connection we had will never be the same. The truth is, we all met when we needed each other. So badly. The mermaid, the dragon, and I.
I feel like I said goodbye to both on the same day, exiting as quickly as they entered. Like a Divine Intervention of sorts. But maybe it wasn't. I think I wanted it to be special. But the truth is, it really was extraordinary. It ripped open the next layer or my journey, and I wouldn't be the same without them. It's true. I'm so blessed for the experience.
I hope that it doesn't end, but I know that it won't be the same. I thought I was really over it, but judging by the instantaneous tears that formed while eating lunch, it was clear to me I wasn't. What's interesting is that I realize why I reacted to all the things we've been through the way I have. I feel complete with that part of it. So, why the tears? I think it was the knowing, the general sense of what the dragon and mermaid meant to me was changing, and may just disappear. Life is full or surprises, of beginnings and endings. It's a constant cycle and change, sometimes you fit, sometimes you don't. I had felt that feeling before with Jessie. We needed our year apart to grow together again. It's a sad, sad feeling. But it's a feeling that in hindsight, you know this is the best day ever.
It's true that time heals everything, however you can't speed it up. You just have to be with it, make it your friend. Sometimes I feel like I feel emotions so much stronger than the average person, that I love too hard and I put myself out there way too much. I just hope I made a difference.
I think back to the moment I saw that black and white picture. And I knew, I had to know him. I'm sad I didn't get to know him and find all the secrets behind his eyes, and enjoy all the things that make him uniquely him. I wish I'd be given the chance...but it wasn't mine to have then. I met him at a time I needed him and I loved him before I even met him. And it's a love that stands out of time. It just is. It's a love that transcends romance and friendship, it's just what it is. And I'm happy for him that he's able to open up to someone. His happiness is important to me....I just don't need to be the reason for it. A part of me wonders if I wouldn't have told him to audition for Madison theater, if he ever would have...if he would be doing what he's doing now. But it is neither here, nor there. It just is. I understand this. I realize his role on this stage. I just hope I made a difference.
I think back to moment he brought her to the red party. Banged up and defeated, she needed me, and I her. What resulted was one of the best friendships I have known. Someone who seemed to really understand. We all needed each other so much. To live, to learn, to grow. And I know she's able to swim away strong, passionate and whole. And I love her. It's a love that stands out of time, and we both get that. I told her we didn't need to go over what the past two years meant, because we don't. We both just know. It goes without saying. It's so hard when your life kicks you out....but it's just because you're forced to move on to what's next. Even when you don't want to...even when you know it's the best thing. Even when you feel like it's all just a strange dream.
I'll always look back at this time as the years of healing. How I transformed into a dragonfly...and how I'm finally comfortable with saying that. Because she and I are one in the same...we were never meant to belong or stay anywhere...we just glide and flutter and find people when they need us. That's just how it works. I can tell myself that nothing changed to day, but the truth is, everything has.
In the story that I will tell my children of how I found their father, I will talk about this day. And hopefully "Aunt Sarah" and "Uncle Jordan" will be around to hear it.
I hope these amazing people stay in my life, but today everything changed...and it's probably for the better. I love them both. They are people I will always do anything for, answer any 3 am call from and probably give a kidney for. However, I will not eat coconut for them. I draw the line there. This is the day that the next chapter starts...and it's ok. I am strong. I remember "this" night two years ago. The next day, my dragonfly showed up right on my porch screen.
The two things that stand out so much right now are the night by the lake, hearing his life story and the night we tried to watch Batman, but instead had to watch Dragonfly...where I heard hers. I hope, someday, when I am wherever I am, and they tell their life story to someone else, that I at least get an honorable mention.
I don't know what's next. But my life here doesn't fit anymore. I feel this constant and incessant tug at my heart strings to spread my wings and fly. Africa? Dubai? California? I don't know...but what I do know is I was born in this world to make a difference....and that's what I'll spend the rest of my life doing. I'm sure there will be many more 2 year cycles, or perhaps one day, it will break. People will show up and inspire you, love you, break you, and teach you. People will come and go, people will change. But love remains the same.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Circles
Circles
I've been reading lately about the human brain. I've been understanding lately that it's programmed into your brain, and "easier" to go back to old habits. That's why most people fail. People are used to what's comfortable, even if that means what is not necessarily "best" for them. You see it over and over in everyone else but yourself. I'm starting to see it in myself. I'm failing.
I always find something to relate too, and as ridiculous as it is, right now, I relate to the Office. I relate to the character of Pam Beasley. I watch her throughout the progression of the show, going from a mousy receptionist in an unhealthy relationship to someone who starts to test her power by standing up for herself and being involved in a healthy relationship with herself and with Jim. I guess I'm at the mousy receptionist stage right now. I've known the former and the latter, and it's really hard when you're in the former to remember the latter.
I love being optomistic. It's engrained in my character, but lately, I just feel negative. I feel down on myself because I'm gaining weight, I'm tired all the time and I feel like doing nothing. I have moments of inspiration, but then I feel helpless and defeated again. I have these burst of anxiety. I go back to this way of being because that's what my brain feels is normal and comfortable and I create it over and over and over again. I guess at least I'm aware of it instead of it happening unconsciously. People tell you to be patient and easy on yourself, but that isn't producing results for me. Maybe I need to be harder on myself.
In college, I was very hard on myself. I survived off of diet coke and an elliptical machine. I was dating a suicidal maniac. I had great friends though. That's something I've never lacked. I wonder sometimes who the hell would want to hang out with me? I guess I do throw out some damn witty statements sometimes and like to have fun....but where's the self worth here? From others?
I'm working four jobs right now. I'm not even making the bills. When I punch in for my shift at Bath and Body Works I kind of as myself...what am I doing? I'm a stellar student, a great massage therapist....this job is beneath me. But yet, it humbles me. I shouldn't have to do this, I think. But it's where I'm at. It's what I've created.
I'm under constant stress. My low back is always in pain. I wonder why I do this to myself. I'm usually a happy person. Is it this awful weather? Last winter I felt like I lost my mind for a bit. Maybe it is this ridiculous cold that I keep telling myself I'm going to move away from. But do I? No. Why? Because I don't know differently and in that, I create my own prison.
I read today that you can't expect anyone to understand you if they don't understand themselves. I think that's true. I feel sometimes I don't understand myself, hence, why I can't attract someone that understands me or even wants to try. Touch is so important and I'm so romantically lonely right now. It's hard to admit, but it's true. It's not like I can just go out and get laid. I mean, come on, I'm not a guy who would just sleep with anyone. It's different for girls. Girls like me anyway.
So here I am: fat, lonely and uninspired. Why? Because I truly don't know how to get myself out of it. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this. Oh of course I can create an exercise program and stick to it for a few weeks. I can eat healthy for a bit. I can even forget about dating and affection for awhile. I can do affirmations and feel positive. But eventually, it all sinks back into this....why can't I ever stick to anything that's good for me? Why do I poison my body with shitty food, punish my body with no exercise and mutilate my self esteem with wanting guys who don't want me?
Fuck this. Can I get a re-do? Or at least can I skip ahead to the part where I stand up for myself and am sexy and beautiful again? I'd sit down and make a plan, but I'll probably have to work. Oh wallowing in self pity...so much fun on a Tuesday night. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who feels this way? I'm sure I'll be writing about how inpsired I am again next week. Is there ever any balance? Will I ever be able to just relax again? Sighhhhhhhhhhh. Maybe it's time for another episode of The Office.
I went to an old friends' party the other day. He had this cute efficiency apartment. I've been fantasizing about getting one in the middle of the woods. Sometimes alone is the only place I truly feel safe.
I've been reading lately about the human brain. I've been understanding lately that it's programmed into your brain, and "easier" to go back to old habits. That's why most people fail. People are used to what's comfortable, even if that means what is not necessarily "best" for them. You see it over and over in everyone else but yourself. I'm starting to see it in myself. I'm failing.
I always find something to relate too, and as ridiculous as it is, right now, I relate to the Office. I relate to the character of Pam Beasley. I watch her throughout the progression of the show, going from a mousy receptionist in an unhealthy relationship to someone who starts to test her power by standing up for herself and being involved in a healthy relationship with herself and with Jim. I guess I'm at the mousy receptionist stage right now. I've known the former and the latter, and it's really hard when you're in the former to remember the latter.
I love being optomistic. It's engrained in my character, but lately, I just feel negative. I feel down on myself because I'm gaining weight, I'm tired all the time and I feel like doing nothing. I have moments of inspiration, but then I feel helpless and defeated again. I have these burst of anxiety. I go back to this way of being because that's what my brain feels is normal and comfortable and I create it over and over and over again. I guess at least I'm aware of it instead of it happening unconsciously. People tell you to be patient and easy on yourself, but that isn't producing results for me. Maybe I need to be harder on myself.
In college, I was very hard on myself. I survived off of diet coke and an elliptical machine. I was dating a suicidal maniac. I had great friends though. That's something I've never lacked. I wonder sometimes who the hell would want to hang out with me? I guess I do throw out some damn witty statements sometimes and like to have fun....but where's the self worth here? From others?
I'm working four jobs right now. I'm not even making the bills. When I punch in for my shift at Bath and Body Works I kind of as myself...what am I doing? I'm a stellar student, a great massage therapist....this job is beneath me. But yet, it humbles me. I shouldn't have to do this, I think. But it's where I'm at. It's what I've created.
I'm under constant stress. My low back is always in pain. I wonder why I do this to myself. I'm usually a happy person. Is it this awful weather? Last winter I felt like I lost my mind for a bit. Maybe it is this ridiculous cold that I keep telling myself I'm going to move away from. But do I? No. Why? Because I don't know differently and in that, I create my own prison.
I read today that you can't expect anyone to understand you if they don't understand themselves. I think that's true. I feel sometimes I don't understand myself, hence, why I can't attract someone that understands me or even wants to try. Touch is so important and I'm so romantically lonely right now. It's hard to admit, but it's true. It's not like I can just go out and get laid. I mean, come on, I'm not a guy who would just sleep with anyone. It's different for girls. Girls like me anyway.
So here I am: fat, lonely and uninspired. Why? Because I truly don't know how to get myself out of it. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this. Oh of course I can create an exercise program and stick to it for a few weeks. I can eat healthy for a bit. I can even forget about dating and affection for awhile. I can do affirmations and feel positive. But eventually, it all sinks back into this....why can't I ever stick to anything that's good for me? Why do I poison my body with shitty food, punish my body with no exercise and mutilate my self esteem with wanting guys who don't want me?
Fuck this. Can I get a re-do? Or at least can I skip ahead to the part where I stand up for myself and am sexy and beautiful again? I'd sit down and make a plan, but I'll probably have to work. Oh wallowing in self pity...so much fun on a Tuesday night. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who feels this way? I'm sure I'll be writing about how inpsired I am again next week. Is there ever any balance? Will I ever be able to just relax again? Sighhhhhhhhhhh. Maybe it's time for another episode of The Office.
I went to an old friends' party the other day. He had this cute efficiency apartment. I've been fantasizing about getting one in the middle of the woods. Sometimes alone is the only place I truly feel safe.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
My Snow Day
Today I had a marvelous snow day. I knew I would be having this day last night, so I thought about what I wanted to do today. I knew I at least wanted to get the holiday decorations up, even if I don't really believe in the Holidays. I just love having the lights up and sparkling ornaments on the tree. It adds a bit of illumination to my life.
I started my day with watching the Pursuit of Happyness. What a wonderful movie! Even thought I've never been homeless, I can relate to struggling and struggling to achieve your dreams. It gave me hope again that I can do anything that I put my mind too, and again, stirred my heart to be a fantastic doctor someday. Who cares if I won't finish my residency until I'm 36? That just means I'll have about 30 years to enjoy it until I retire.
I put up the artificial Christmas tree. I don't believe in real trees. Yes, I know they are raised specifically to die for America's consumption and end up in landfills, but I just can't do it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when I was a baby, I pulled on an ornament and our real tree came toppling over me and I got an eye infection from the needles. Thanks mom, for watching me.
Last year I had skipped the tree. I wasn't much in the mood for holiday festivities. As I put the ornaments on the tree, I reminisced about why I had bought them. There was the yorkshire terrier figurine I had bought because of Gracie. There was the grey cat I had bought in honor of Kristina, Dennis' cat. I remembered at the time how close Dennis and I were: like Will and Grace. We talk maybe three of four times a year now. I thought about our friendship and what it meant and still means to me. I thought about how so interesting people's enter and departure from our lives is so Universally perfect.
I looked at the tropical flip flops I bought in honor of my old roommate Jennifer. She loves everything and anything to do with Hawaii. She was my best friend from 4th grade until we graduated high school. Again, I thought about entering and departure. I thought about time and timing.
My St. Louis arch ornament. I had been there for three weeks on a business trip when I used to sell appliances at American. I thought about how unhappy I was on the inside then, and how back then I would have never guessed my life would be where it is now. I thought about that girl and if she would have had any clue she'd meet a Dragonfly and her whole life would change. I thought about if that girl even knew how to tune into a higher vibration and resonate there.
I looked at the glittering cardinal. I immediately looked for the disco balls. I had bought this combination of ornaments in honor of my love for the Cardinal Bar. Now the Cardinal has new meaning...the passage of time my family went through to get to Middleton and my Grandpa's Death. It's interesting how things can take on a new meaning in your life just because of the passage of time.
I decorated the tree as my favorite movie, "Breakfast at Tiffany's" played. What a perfect way to spend the afternoon.
I thought about my life now and then people in it, and the people I want in it more. I realized their significance, and I felt so blessed. I'll have to go out and make sure I find a mermaid ornament, an angel ornament and a dragon ornament. I'll have to make sure I find at least five dragonfly ones....
Our life experiences make us into who we are in the present. The people we have in our lives, and the ones we hold in our hearts shape us into who we are. I think I've turned out pretty good so far. As I clear out more and more "junk" from my heart, I feel more open to inspire others, to love others and to motivate others. I'm even getting to a point in my life when I can truly appreciate and love people, even if they decide they don't want to give anything back. I'm ok with that now. I just want to make a difference. At times, I question if I do...then I look around me and know I do. And I realize it doesn't really matter if I do or not. It just matters that I stay to true to who I am. When I don't, that's when things fall apart.
I think it's really important to have these kind of days. I realized I'm the happiest when I'm just staying present. It doesn't really matter what I'm doing, other than being right here, right now. Being present with my thoughts and memories and noticing rather than judging. Acting out of love instead of fear.
In five years, I wonder how I'll be decorating my tree. I know it won't be in Madison. In a way, that saddens me, but it a way it inspires me. Knowing I'm working my way to use my intuitive gifts in the medical field will be enough for me. Knowing that soon I'll have the knowledge and education to make a huge difference. To know I won't be one of the HMO doctors who sees a patient for six minutes and then prescribes three drugs for them will be my inspiration.
I hope I can add many more ornaments to my tree. I'll be 33 years old. I hope there will be ornaments about inside jokes with my friends. Ornaments about a great love. Ornaments from the past and present. I can't tell the future (well sometimes I THINK I can, and sometimes what I say does happen) so who knows what that is. What I do know is that without a dream, without people you love and without inner peace you don't have much of anything.
People need to take snow days. Without them, we just get lost in this rat race. We just keep going and going, never taking the time to really love, really feel and really be present. We feel obligated and lose our passion. We need a recharging of the soul every now and again. It's vital to existence.
I started my day with watching the Pursuit of Happyness. What a wonderful movie! Even thought I've never been homeless, I can relate to struggling and struggling to achieve your dreams. It gave me hope again that I can do anything that I put my mind too, and again, stirred my heart to be a fantastic doctor someday. Who cares if I won't finish my residency until I'm 36? That just means I'll have about 30 years to enjoy it until I retire.
I put up the artificial Christmas tree. I don't believe in real trees. Yes, I know they are raised specifically to die for America's consumption and end up in landfills, but I just can't do it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when I was a baby, I pulled on an ornament and our real tree came toppling over me and I got an eye infection from the needles. Thanks mom, for watching me.
Last year I had skipped the tree. I wasn't much in the mood for holiday festivities. As I put the ornaments on the tree, I reminisced about why I had bought them. There was the yorkshire terrier figurine I had bought because of Gracie. There was the grey cat I had bought in honor of Kristina, Dennis' cat. I remembered at the time how close Dennis and I were: like Will and Grace. We talk maybe three of four times a year now. I thought about our friendship and what it meant and still means to me. I thought about how so interesting people's enter and departure from our lives is so Universally perfect.
I looked at the tropical flip flops I bought in honor of my old roommate Jennifer. She loves everything and anything to do with Hawaii. She was my best friend from 4th grade until we graduated high school. Again, I thought about entering and departure. I thought about time and timing.
My St. Louis arch ornament. I had been there for three weeks on a business trip when I used to sell appliances at American. I thought about how unhappy I was on the inside then, and how back then I would have never guessed my life would be where it is now. I thought about that girl and if she would have had any clue she'd meet a Dragonfly and her whole life would change. I thought about if that girl even knew how to tune into a higher vibration and resonate there.
I looked at the glittering cardinal. I immediately looked for the disco balls. I had bought this combination of ornaments in honor of my love for the Cardinal Bar. Now the Cardinal has new meaning...the passage of time my family went through to get to Middleton and my Grandpa's Death. It's interesting how things can take on a new meaning in your life just because of the passage of time.
I decorated the tree as my favorite movie, "Breakfast at Tiffany's" played. What a perfect way to spend the afternoon.
I thought about my life now and then people in it, and the people I want in it more. I realized their significance, and I felt so blessed. I'll have to go out and make sure I find a mermaid ornament, an angel ornament and a dragon ornament. I'll have to make sure I find at least five dragonfly ones....
Our life experiences make us into who we are in the present. The people we have in our lives, and the ones we hold in our hearts shape us into who we are. I think I've turned out pretty good so far. As I clear out more and more "junk" from my heart, I feel more open to inspire others, to love others and to motivate others. I'm even getting to a point in my life when I can truly appreciate and love people, even if they decide they don't want to give anything back. I'm ok with that now. I just want to make a difference. At times, I question if I do...then I look around me and know I do. And I realize it doesn't really matter if I do or not. It just matters that I stay to true to who I am. When I don't, that's when things fall apart.
I think it's really important to have these kind of days. I realized I'm the happiest when I'm just staying present. It doesn't really matter what I'm doing, other than being right here, right now. Being present with my thoughts and memories and noticing rather than judging. Acting out of love instead of fear.
In five years, I wonder how I'll be decorating my tree. I know it won't be in Madison. In a way, that saddens me, but it a way it inspires me. Knowing I'm working my way to use my intuitive gifts in the medical field will be enough for me. Knowing that soon I'll have the knowledge and education to make a huge difference. To know I won't be one of the HMO doctors who sees a patient for six minutes and then prescribes three drugs for them will be my inspiration.
I hope I can add many more ornaments to my tree. I'll be 33 years old. I hope there will be ornaments about inside jokes with my friends. Ornaments about a great love. Ornaments from the past and present. I can't tell the future (well sometimes I THINK I can, and sometimes what I say does happen) so who knows what that is. What I do know is that without a dream, without people you love and without inner peace you don't have much of anything.
People need to take snow days. Without them, we just get lost in this rat race. We just keep going and going, never taking the time to really love, really feel and really be present. We feel obligated and lose our passion. We need a recharging of the soul every now and again. It's vital to existence.
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