Run Little Girl Run

Breathe. In. Out. Breathe. In. Out.

Sometimes I forget I'm able to stand in the center of Self and be free. The walls started tumbling down last night and continue on today.

Seriously, how do things turn around so fast? A few days ago I was on top of the world, now, this feeling. It keeps coming up.

All I've learned about myself through this, is that when a guy likes me I freak out. I want to run and keep running. Am I really that afraid of love? Why does it seem so unreasonable to me that somebody thinks I'm amazing and wonderful? Maybe I'm just not ready for this yet. Maybe it's a bit much.

I guess I'm glad I said SOMETHING, but now I maybe wish I hadn't. I'm going to hurt his feelings, I just know it, and that kills me.

Out of the blue, she emails me today. I just started crying. I'm so sick of crying. I miss her. I really really miss her. Recent conversation about her has made me think of her more, and there she is, today of all days. It was good to see her name in my inbox. It had been too long.

Sometimes I wonder if I love people too much, or if I don't love them enough. I have a really hard time letting go sometimes, but I wonder if that is because it isn't over. I know it isn't over with she and I, but the circumstances make it seem that way. I guess I've learned that life is full of surprises.

I just want to run away. It'd be so much easier, but I'd probably face the same circumstances anywhere. I crave the ocean right now. I'd love to walk in the soft sand and feel the salty air hit my face. It's so refreshing, it makes all the problems of the world completely insignificant.

I'm trying to sand in my center of Self and allow and let be.

I think in matters of the heart, humans just want to be safe. Maybe everyone isn't that way, but that's the way I feel. I miss a genuine connection. I miss the feeling of wanting to get to know somebody better...but these are all safe. It's the unknown that's scary, and that's where I'm at.

I'm ready to run, but I don't think anyone will follow. That's ok too. I'll keep running until I'm out of breath, and eventually I'll have to face what I'm running from.

Universe-1, Jess-0

The universe kicked my ass today-in a really good way.

It's interesting to observe things in your life sometimes. Today I got laid off from my job at Subzero. It's the BEST BEST BEST thing that could have happened to me. It's interesting because I needed something or someone to forcefully kick my ass out of there. I couldn't do it on my own. That kind of scares me. I mean, here I am, miserable, it just isn't working and I can't let it go. I kept making excuses, "Oh, the money is great! How will I pay my bills? I need the insurance!" But really, it was slowly killing me because I was spending my time being miserable. It didn't fit any of the parameters of what I want/need in a career: Doing something for the greater good, doing something that utilizes my talents and gifts, doing something that makes a difference, enjoying my time at work, and feeling good about what I do. Yeah...none of that applied.

So why couldn't I just quit? Why did the universe have to force me out? Well, I guess I've learned that the greater consciousness, God, Universe, whatever, will sometimes have to drop kick you out of situation if you can't do it yourself. Even though I'm a little worried about money and finding a new job, I no longer have that consistent anxiety in my body about being yelled at every phone call. It's a liberating and peaceful feeling.

When this happened to me last year, I freaked out. When I was let go from Cabinet Masters, I took it very personally, thought there was something wrong with me and my self esteem plummeted. I think the world was trying to tell me then that the appliance industry just wasn't my thing. But I still didn't listen.

When this pompous overweight man fired me this morning, he was very condescending. Maybe that's just me being a little brat, but he really was. He kept saying, "I bet your really embarrassed" or "This isn't going to be a good day for you." And I looked at him and said, "I have no reason to be embarrassed and this is the best thing that ever happened to me." He then walked me out the side door so I wouldn't be "embarrassed" and my co workers wouldn't find out. I said, "Well, when I don't come back to work today, people are going to know, do you think walking me out the side door is going to change that?" He then told me again that I was embarrassed and I again told him that this is the best day of my life this year. I wasn't going to let anyone tell me how I felt. I felt amazing!!

So now, I'm finally finally FINALLY out of Subzero. So what's next? I don't know. I hope if anything, that this has taught me to always follow my intuition and do what is best for me. Sometimes we need a little force. What's more amazing is that Michaela is always right. Everything she's told me in our session has pretty much happened. She told me that I wouldn't be at Subzero in six months time. This was in January. Pretty damn accurate.

Things change. People change. Life changes. I'm starting to really like change. Instead of trying to change things into what I think they should be, I've learned to chill out a bit and allow. It's much better that way and much more peaceful. I'm really looking forward to what is next. I'm finding myself in this space of fun and playfulness. It reminds me so much of the summer of 98. I feel like I've gotten back pieces of me I let go of a long time ago, and I feel renewed. I feel so much more myself and not this constant knot of insecurity, anxiety and inadequacy. It's pretty nice. I finally feel me, and the Universe is realigning to what that really means. Yes!

Happy Birthday Grandpa Russell

Just wanted to say Happy Birthday to you. Lance was in Dauphin Island, wearing your fedora and having a drink in your honor. I didn't do any special ritual this year. I spent time with close friends and laughed and cried and felt many things.

It's really tough being a human sometimes. There's just so many emotions, so many people you care about, so many relationships falling apart, so many coming together. It can be very overwhelming.

Do you miss it? Being human I mean? Do you have any desire to come back? Or would you rather just float in tranquility? Is that what it's really like to be dead?

I've cried a lot today. For some reason, it's just coming in waves. It's good to feel. You'd probably tell me to stop it, that nobody is worth it. It's true, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I hope God knows what he's doing.

The best thing I can think of to honor your memory is to work hard, and respect those around me. You worked harder than anyone I've ever known. You woke up very early every morning, and enjoyed life to the fullest. You never missed your grandkid's events. The people that mattered to you knew that they mattered. I wish I could master that, but I feel I'm still a little unsure how to love people or let them know.

I miss you. I hope you know that. I know it doesn't really matter once you're dead. I mean, that's probably not important once you're all knowing. There's probably no such thing as those kind of emotions out of the human world.

I'm sure you are everywhere and nowhere. I don't really quite understand this whole "in time" "out of time" stuff yet, although I'd like to. Look at the stars...look how they shine for you.

Flames to Dust, Lovers to Friends....

Why do all good things come to an end? Those song lyrics resonated with me this whole weekend and played through my mind while I watched the campfire. I burned my old journal, I burned my Guys and Dolls T-shirt. All of it just fell away, leaving me with me. How beautiful. I feel amazing, just vibrating to life. Everything in it's place. Each lesson with me, in my heart forever. I feel so lucky, so grateful for each person, each experience.

It felt great to watch it all burn to ash. I had two marriage proposals this weekend...all in good fun of course. It was wonderful to talk to Lance, who was all the way in Florida, camping on the beach by the ocean. Miles apart, and we're still so connected. Parallel lives. So synched up, so in the moment, so in the flow. This summer is already brewing up to be the best summer of my life. So many fun events planned, and then to top it off, Janna will be here at the end of it. She's the most beautiful spirit I've ever met. It bring tears to my eyes to just think about her and how much I love her and miss her.

It's wonderful to have so much space to just allow. It was wonderful to meet new people who are right where I am. It was amazing to introduce them to reiki, and it was beautiful to watch transformation occur within their bodies and spirits. Just for one moment, they were able to experience quiet within themselves. To watch people open up their hearts and experience peace is what I love to witness. It's what I pray for everyone to experience, it's what I hold space for. It was nice to be reminded that I'm able to do this. It was wonderful to listen to my heart and not what somebody else tells me I am.

I'm so ready for something real. I'm so ready to meet somebody who flows with me effortlessly. I feel like I left the weight of the world in the woods. My whole system feels lighter. It's time for the next step on this journey. I'm so glad to have finally let go of so much. Eleven years of this pattern....now it's just ash, burning away all the illusions that I had imprisoned myself in. The dragonfly out in the sun knows what I mean.

Peonies

Humans are like the beautiful peony flowers in their true form. When we stand in the center of ourselves, we open and bloom naturally and allow the light in. We are never stomped, pressured or restricted. That all comes from the inside.

Ants are attracted to peonies like crazy. You may find yourself staring at this gorgeous flower, and upon closer inspection, realize it is crawling with ants. Sometimes the ants get so deep into the flower's petals that you won't see them until the peony starts to open itself up and fully bloom.

The ego creates the ants of human life. When we are not present, when we bury emotions, experiences and pain into our bodies, it becomes like the ants in the peony.

Working through the forcefields you put up around yourself can sometimes seem like messy work. You hit a spot and all the ants scatter-seemingly making things worse. At that time, you can make a conscious choice to clear the ants away and heal or stuff them back down again. Or, you can just go numb and completely ignore the ants, attracting even more into your system.

Regardless of the decision, if the ants aren't cleared, they will just crawl back out again to consume the peony. It's a choice really. A little discomfort now for a healthier mind, body and spirit, or ignoring it now, and allowing it to consume you on all levels of your being.

Ants can come back, but when they do, at least by doing the work and recognizing the pattern, they clear away much faster.

When the ants are clear, the peony glows and blooms naturally. But even the most beautiful peonies can be covered in ants and they are still loved and appreciated just as they are.

Humorous Irony

I cleaned out more tonight from my storage unit and I came across my college stuff. I found a commercial I had written for, get this, a MASSAGE STUDIO. Hilarious!!! Coincidence? I think not. I think my intuition was trying to tell me something back then, and now I already have a commercial written if I decide to advertise that way upon graduation.

I also came across my high school/early college journal. I'm not ready to quite go there yet, but really, nothing has changed. I've been dating the same person for 11 years. And I've been doing the same things, having the same reactions. At least now, in this life time, I can pin point it when this started, and gives me a much better understanding of when the wound initially started and went all wrong.

This one, I think I'm keeping to myself. I just think it's pretty ironic I found the journal today. It was dated May 20, 1997 as the first entry. Exactly 11 years ago.

Freeing the Power to Heal

Written by a previous student at Tibia: it might help provoke a better understanding of CAPW and Tibia and what I do and write about. I believe in freeing the power to heal, and I do it for myself and in turn, provides the space to others.

Freeing the Power to Heal By Jennifer Kalafut

Freeing the Power to Heal By Jennifer Kalafut

(How) can one person heal the world? Healing, says Michaela Torcaso, owner of Transformational Intuitive Bodywork in Action (TIBIA Massage School)and Creating A Peaceful World, can be defined as the process of reconnecting with one's wholeness. As such, healing concerns more than one's physical body; rather, it concerns one's whole being, including the emotional, spiritual, energetic, and mental realms. Michaela also emphasizes that healing is generated from within; while it might be supported by others, such as doctors, bodyworkers, psychologists, etc., it ultimately occurs when one takes responsibility for how he or she shows up in the world. Healing can look many ways.

Some Sundays ago, I was receiving an in-class massage at TIBIA. Immediately, I settled into a meditative calm, but as the massage continued, feelings of anxiety surfaced. Then, tears streamed to my hairline as, in my mind's eye, I witnessed and re-experienced a childhood trauma of which I haven't thought in years. Lying there, I thought the thoughts, felt the emotions, and cried the tears of the seven-year-old girl I once was. She was in a door-closed, lights-off room, listening to what sounded like a woman being hurt in an adjacent room. She felt anxious and voiceless, as though she wanted to run or scream for help. Yet, acting on either of these urges seemed unsafe to her. So, she sat on the floor and imagined horrid sights to match the horrid sounds that permeated through the wall. Paralyzed by the fear of being seen or heard, it seemed a matter of survival for my younger self to stay quiet and still. I arose from that massage a lighter person. With the support of the student practitioner and class facilitator, I was able to explore the situation simultaneously as child and adult. The grown-up part of me found help for that seemingly helpless seven year old, and I was able to make peace with all involved, including myself.

How did a massage induce such a powerful effect? Michaela explains, "When there's someone that's standing there with us…holding the space for us to remember our wholeness, we then have full access to heal." "Holding space," to put it simply, is a function of presence. When a bodyworker—or anyone, really—intentionally sets his or her ego aside and opens to the full experience of this moment, a safe space for others to open themselves to the fullness of their own experience is generated. Healing can then occur because experiencing a past trauma again, in a safe space, releases its hold on the present moment. The more one heals the past, the fewer limitations and restrictions that exist in present.

The more I heal myself and overcome my self-imposed limitations, the more presently I can attend to each moment as it occurs; and, the more I can show up wholly in the present, the more that space of wholeness extends out and invites others to heal. Overcoming my fear of being seen or heard, for example, allows me to write this article, which I hope serves as an invitation for you, dear reader, to explore your limitations and heal to your wholeness.


Michaela's vision is to create a peaceful world; she believes that as more people live fulfilled, easeful lives, even more people will be exposed to the possibility that their lives, too, can be fulfilled and rid of dis-ease. For her, ultimately, freeing the power to heal oneself gives access to freeing the power to heal the world. bodyworker—or anyone, really—intentionally sets his or her ego aside and opens to the full experience of this moment, a safe space for others to open themselves to the fullness of their own experience is generated. Healing can then occur because experiencing a past trauma again, in a safe space, releases its hold on the present moment. The more one heals the past, the fewer limitations and restrictions that exist in present.

www.capw.org

Choking On My Own Inadequacy

I can tell graduation is coming up in three months. I've had such extreme joy and sorrow in this past week, and now I sit here choking on my own inadequacy.

It's my own story of course, nobody's but mine. Nothing in particular really triggered it. I was driving home, and it was like an overwhelming emotional tidal wave took over and brought this up. It's probably my biggest pattern, always resurfacing.

Sometimes I feel like all this introspection is such a joke. I mean, I like the bullshit as much as the rest of them. I'd probably live a somewhat content life just being totally on the surface and joking around and being light hearted. In fact, that would be incredible. I have lots of moments like that, and it's great. But then this crap surfaces. It's hard not to judge myself, but why can't I just get over it? I know it needs attention, and I'm giving it attention. It's so uncomfortable as I practice tonglen and breathe in and out.

I was meeting with my favorite professor tonight and I know she cares about me so much and see so much in me. I think the world of her, I think she's wonderful. It makes me feel inadequate to be around her, not deserving of her time. It's so ridiculous. This pattern holds me back from so much.

I've been fighting feelings for a friend for awhile now. I'm not even sure what they are, if they are real or not. It feels unfair to say anything to him until I'm certain. It has been making me so uncomfortable, the more amazing and beautiful he tells me I am. I know he loves me for who I am, but it's triggering every inadequacy I have. It's really hard to deal with it. I find myself pushing him away and not wanting to be around him. How fucked up is that?

Going through all my stuff in my storage unit brought back so much. I re-read letters from years ago. Some friend friends who have since died, some from friends who have moved on, some from lovers where it didn't work out. Each letter either told me I was the best friend they've ever had or been the most in love with. And re-reading and remembering this, I didn't feel that way about myself. I've always known who I've wanted to be, I don't get why it's taking so long.

I'm pretty happy for most of life. I really am. I thought about all the relationships in my life, past and present and what I want the future ones to be like. I found it so interesting how with certain people, there have never been a conflict. Like with two of my gay friends. When I became friends with them, they weren't out of the closet yet, but we've always had this deep, beautiful and fun loving relationship, where there is never conflict. Then I think of other friendships and relationships and saw how these people brought out the very best and the very worst in me, whether they knew it or not. Those have been the more difficult relationships, but also the most rewarding. I'm still friends with most of those people today.

I'm thankful for the energetic support of Tibia. I can't imagine doing this work 100% on my own without support.

So here I am, still choking, but breathing. I hate that because of this prison my mind has put myself in, it's keeping me from so much. Keeping me from letting an amazing man love me, from being fully expressed, and from doing the things I really want to do. I've never really spoken or written of this before because it's been so buried. But I've done a ton of work peeling off the layers this year. So much work. So much hard, hard, painful, honest time with myself. It's been so worth it.

I want to put this out there, because it's ready to clear. It's so ready to clear. I know by utilizing this space, it will energetically support this clearing in my system. I'm so glad I understand how this metaphysical stuff works. That's one thing that's pretty cool.

I seriously have to wonder sometimes when you are honest enough with yourself to do this kind of work, how you date. I mean really. It's going to take somebody really really special to understand and support this. The guy that does will be the one that will win my heart. It's not like it's like this all the time, in fact it's not often at all. But when it comes up, it's shooker. Hmmm.... so much swimming around in my head right now. A moment of peace is what I crave.

Life List

I've realized it takes me approximately six days to be so entirely fed up with being lame. What is one to do when walking is not an option? Lay around and make life lists, duh. It doesn't really seem all that profoundly amazing to me, but I guess I've realized I'm not really a profoundly amazing type of girls that needs all these things. Here are the things I've decided I want to make sure to do before this lifetime is over...in no particular order other than how they popped into my brain:


1. Swim with dolphins
2. Live by the ocean
3. Hold a baby tiger
4. Visit or work in Africa
5. Watch the baby sea turtles hatch and find the ocean
6. Create a successful business called Dragonfly Wellness
7. Be a part of integration of Eastern and Western Medicine
8. Be published in a medical journal
9. Receive my doctorate's degree in Oriental Medicine/Naturopathic Health
10. Practice meditation daily
11. Live in Europe for at least three months: write lots of poetry, drink lots of coffee, wear black and be mysterious.
12. Visit somewhere tropical with a man I'm in love with
13. See a tornado
14. Make friends with all my demons
15. Own the Gilmore Girls entire series on DVD
16. Be in a relationship that supports my dreams and his dreams.
17. Write a song
18. See Rent on Broadway (don't think I'm gonna make that one, unless it comes back again)
19. Be a role model to a child
20. Be a mother
21. Have an organic garden
22. Find a way to exercise that I enjoy and actually do it
23. Wear a sexy black dress and stilettos and sing on top of a piano
24. Pay it forward to at least one person for what Michaela has done for me
25. Be there for a loved once when they transition from this world to the next
26. Create a piece of art that I enjoy
27. Parasail
28. Backpack through Europe with Britters for her high school graduation
29. Fall in love and not worry about every next step and just enjoy being with him
30. Lear to dance where the guy does all these amazing lifts
31. Keep Niki's story alive until my last breath
32. Live in a home with a big white wrap around porch
33. Recognize the magnificence in all things
34. Horseback ride on the beach
35. Read all the Harry Potter Books to curiously magical children
36. Have beautiful skin
37. Be a full time vegetarian, not a flexible one
38. Make a difference in someone's life that I don't even know
39. Have a HUGE flower garden
40. Learn to cook Indian food
41. Be fully expressed
42. See the Northern Lights
43. Use intuitive gifts to bring peace to grieving families
44. Save a starving child
45. Adopt a pet from the animal shelter
46. Sleep under the stars with a man I'm in love with
47. Hot air balloon ride
48. Love everyone who comes into my life deeply and if the leave, let them go easily
49. Run up the stairs from the Rocky movies
50. Rent a big RV and go a road trip with friends for a few weeks
51. Spend part of my life as a photographer for weddings, capturing the love and joy for people
52. Play Eva Perone in Evita
53. Learn another language
54. Create a difference for every client on the table
55. Support others that are willing to do the work for transformation
56. Do my best everyday to stand for Love and Peace in the world
57. Help see Project Peace into fruition with CAPW and travel with them, holding space for those in need
58. Have a myofascial intensive
59. Go on a spiritual retreat
60. Wear a lei of fresh orchids
61. Host a murder mystery party
62. Learn to play guitar well
63. Be in a relationship with a man who will try or at least accept the weird things I do, like blowing up Easter peeps in the microwave before eating them and taking off for an afternoon with no destination in particular and stopping wherever the day takes you
64. Be in a relationship with a man who enjoys the simple things and can be creative, romantic and sees the good in people
65. See Mariah Carey in concert
66. Have my nose pierced again
67. Assist others with finding peace within themselves
68. Enjoy wine and cheese in a Paris outdoor cafe
69. Visit the place where the St. Valentine's day massacre happened
70. Visit a place that has one of those amazing spacious rooms with a huge white canopy bed, like you see on the travel channel with a man I'm in love with
71. Save someone's life
72. Build a home
73. Successfully complete one round of dance dance revolution
74. Actually find the man that I'm going to fall in love with (and he'll fall in love with me too! small, important detail)
75. Have an amazing fancy dinner party

A lesson in love

Today was an interesting day for me. For those of you who don't know, I'm in school for massage therapy and have class every weekend. I go to a school that stands for personal transformation. I usually don't write these types of blogs on facebook, but it seems I'm supposed to share this.

I had surgery earlier this week and both of my feet are broken. I use crutches to balance and get around and can only put weight on the heels of my feet.

My classmate and I were at Copp's getting a salad bar for lunch. I was trying to balance myself, my crutches, and make my salad. This guy in his probably mid forties comes up behind me. He announces to me, "You might want to pull your pants up because your underwear in showing...have some class." He walked away.

I stood there in shock...clearly, can he not see that I'm trying the best I can and wasn't aware that my pants had slipped down? My friend shouted after him, "Both of her feet are broken, what the hell?"

It bothered me and stirred me up. It reminded me of younger years in school when you are bullied and you just sit there and take it, because that's better than to keep being made fun of. The minute you stand up for yourself, the harder they tease you. It kills something in your soul, it makes you feel unworthy, unloved and useless....like you don't belong. I couldn't believe I was getting bullied by some 40 year old dumb ass at the grocery store and it was actually BOTHERING me. Stir it up, it all occurs for a greater reason....

Today was energetic alignment in school. Our teacher is intuitive and tracks the energy in the class. Most people don't understand this, and I'm ok with that. It's important and real, and everyone can see or feel it if they just look. Most people are too afraid or really just that clueless.

I was working a tandem massage today. When we were working on my first classmate, I got really emotional for no particular reason. It was just there. I felt like my heart was breaking, in a good way. I just felt all this LOVE. Energetically it felt like walls were coming down that I had put up through the years. I cried the tears because they were there, even if I didn't know why.

We switched and worked on my other classmate, the same one I went to lunch with. The instructor came over and did energy work on me while I was working on my friend. All I could feel was all this love for her. It was deeper than the surface. It was like, I have a love for his group of people because we all have this agreement together, or this soul contract, or something.

It felt so good to have a friend that would stick up for me in front of this jerk at the grocery store and just be such a great support. I'm not very mobile, so I basically did energy work on her while my classmate did massage on her. It was really beautiful. I just cried, because it was human compassion and human love. All those things that we block ourselves from because it has hurt us before, or scared us, we close our hearts to each other and ourselves.

It was my turn and when my classmate was doing energy work on my broken feet and not even touching them, they hurt so badly. Physically. Then it changed into a feeling of my feet being put back together again. Both physically and energetically. It felt like my legs were shattering and being put back together. It was amazing. The instructor came over to me and whispered, "It's like it had to be this way. Your feet. They are mirroring something in you. They had to be broken to be put back together." It's like I had to break myself to reorganize. To create something new.

And that's how we are.... Isn't it? We all are broken at some point in our lives, but somewhere along the line, we decide to be put back together. And it can show up in the most unusual ways. I really believe every person, every event and relationship comes into our lives to show us something in ourselves. Sometimes we don't like what we see. Sometimes we become people we don't like or recognize. Sometimes we have to get so far away from ourselves to make that realization.

Doing this kind of work is not easy, in fact it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

I had a lesson in love today. The love between friends. No matter how much we allow ourselves to build up these walls, run away from what scares us, and seclude ourselves in pain and then deny it, we are all one. I have a new found compassion today. Even for the jerk in the grocery store.

You might not know it, but you might be someone's reason for living. You make a difference, and you may not even know how, but you do. Choose what you say carefully, because you sometimes won't know the effect of your words.

Most importantly, love who comes into your life, they are there for a reason. To wake you up, to show you something you were missing. Sometimes it's for a life time. What we judge as good and bad, it's all part of something greater.

It reminds me of one of my favorite movies, "Love Actually....."

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion love actually is all around."~Love Actually

It's taken me a long time to get to this place. It's about time. By the way, I can walk without my crutches pretty easily now.

Love actually is all around....