Humans are like the beautiful peony flowers in their true form. When we stand in the center of ourselves, we open and bloom naturally and allow the light in. We are never stomped, pressured or restricted. That all comes from the inside.
Ants are attracted to peonies like crazy. You may find yourself staring at this gorgeous flower, and upon closer inspection, realize it is crawling with ants. Sometimes the ants get so deep into the flower's petals that you won't see them until the peony starts to open itself up and fully bloom.
The ego creates the ants of human life. When we are not present, when we bury emotions, experiences and pain into our bodies, it becomes like the ants in the peony.
Working through the forcefields you put up around yourself can sometimes seem like messy work. You hit a spot and all the ants scatter-seemingly making things worse. At that time, you can make a conscious choice to clear the ants away and heal or stuff them back down again. Or, you can just go numb and completely ignore the ants, attracting even more into your system.
Regardless of the decision, if the ants aren't cleared, they will just crawl back out again to consume the peony. It's a choice really. A little discomfort now for a healthier mind, body and spirit, or ignoring it now, and allowing it to consume you on all levels of your being.
Ants can come back, but when they do, at least by doing the work and recognizing the pattern, they clear away much faster.
When the ants are clear, the peony glows and blooms naturally. But even the most beautiful peonies can be covered in ants and they are still loved and appreciated just as they are.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Humorous Irony
I cleaned out more tonight from my storage unit and I came across my college stuff. I found a commercial I had written for, get this, a MASSAGE STUDIO. Hilarious!!! Coincidence? I think not. I think my intuition was trying to tell me something back then, and now I already have a commercial written if I decide to advertise that way upon graduation.
I also came across my high school/early college journal. I'm not ready to quite go there yet, but really, nothing has changed. I've been dating the same person for 11 years. And I've been doing the same things, having the same reactions. At least now, in this life time, I can pin point it when this started, and gives me a much better understanding of when the wound initially started and went all wrong.
This one, I think I'm keeping to myself. I just think it's pretty ironic I found the journal today. It was dated May 20, 1997 as the first entry. Exactly 11 years ago.
I also came across my high school/early college journal. I'm not ready to quite go there yet, but really, nothing has changed. I've been dating the same person for 11 years. And I've been doing the same things, having the same reactions. At least now, in this life time, I can pin point it when this started, and gives me a much better understanding of when the wound initially started and went all wrong.
This one, I think I'm keeping to myself. I just think it's pretty ironic I found the journal today. It was dated May 20, 1997 as the first entry. Exactly 11 years ago.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Freeing the Power to Heal
Written by a previous student at Tibia: it might help provoke a better understanding of CAPW and Tibia and what I do and write about. I believe in freeing the power to heal, and I do it for myself and in turn, provides the space to others.
Freeing the Power to Heal By Jennifer Kalafut
Freeing the Power to Heal By Jennifer Kalafut
(How) can one person heal the world? Healing, says Michaela Torcaso, owner of Transformational Intuitive Bodywork in Action (TIBIA Massage School)and Creating A Peaceful World, can be defined as the process of reconnecting with one's wholeness. As such, healing concerns more than one's physical body; rather, it concerns one's whole being, including the emotional, spiritual, energetic, and mental realms. Michaela also emphasizes that healing is generated from within; while it might be supported by others, such as doctors, bodyworkers, psychologists, etc., it ultimately occurs when one takes responsibility for how he or she shows up in the world. Healing can look many ways.
Some Sundays ago, I was receiving an in-class massage at TIBIA. Immediately, I settled into a meditative calm, but as the massage continued, feelings of anxiety surfaced. Then, tears streamed to my hairline as, in my mind's eye, I witnessed and re-experienced a childhood trauma of which I haven't thought in years. Lying there, I thought the thoughts, felt the emotions, and cried the tears of the seven-year-old girl I once was. She was in a door-closed, lights-off room, listening to what sounded like a woman being hurt in an adjacent room. She felt anxious and voiceless, as though she wanted to run or scream for help. Yet, acting on either of these urges seemed unsafe to her. So, she sat on the floor and imagined horrid sights to match the horrid sounds that permeated through the wall. Paralyzed by the fear of being seen or heard, it seemed a matter of survival for my younger self to stay quiet and still. I arose from that massage a lighter person. With the support of the student practitioner and class facilitator, I was able to explore the situation simultaneously as child and adult. The grown-up part of me found help for that seemingly helpless seven year old, and I was able to make peace with all involved, including myself.
How did a massage induce such a powerful effect? Michaela explains, "When there's someone that's standing there with us…holding the space for us to remember our wholeness, we then have full access to heal." "Holding space," to put it simply, is a function of presence. When a bodyworker—or anyone, really—intentionally sets his or her ego aside and opens to the full experience of this moment, a safe space for others to open themselves to the fullness of their own experience is generated. Healing can then occur because experiencing a past trauma again, in a safe space, releases its hold on the present moment. The more one heals the past, the fewer limitations and restrictions that exist in present.
The more I heal myself and overcome my self-imposed limitations, the more presently I can attend to each moment as it occurs; and, the more I can show up wholly in the present, the more that space of wholeness extends out and invites others to heal. Overcoming my fear of being seen or heard, for example, allows me to write this article, which I hope serves as an invitation for you, dear reader, to explore your limitations and heal to your wholeness.
Michaela's vision is to create a peaceful world; she believes that as more people live fulfilled, easeful lives, even more people will be exposed to the possibility that their lives, too, can be fulfilled and rid of dis-ease. For her, ultimately, freeing the power to heal oneself gives access to freeing the power to heal the world. bodyworker—or anyone, really—intentionally sets his or her ego aside and opens to the full experience of this moment, a safe space for others to open themselves to the fullness of their own experience is generated. Healing can then occur because experiencing a past trauma again, in a safe space, releases its hold on the present moment. The more one heals the past, the fewer limitations and restrictions that exist in present.
www.capw.org
Some Sundays ago, I was receiving an in-class massage at TIBIA. Immediately, I settled into a meditative calm, but as the massage continued, feelings of anxiety surfaced. Then, tears streamed to my hairline as, in my mind's eye, I witnessed and re-experienced a childhood trauma of which I haven't thought in years. Lying there, I thought the thoughts, felt the emotions, and cried the tears of the seven-year-old girl I once was. She was in a door-closed, lights-off room, listening to what sounded like a woman being hurt in an adjacent room. She felt anxious and voiceless, as though she wanted to run or scream for help. Yet, acting on either of these urges seemed unsafe to her. So, she sat on the floor and imagined horrid sights to match the horrid sounds that permeated through the wall. Paralyzed by the fear of being seen or heard, it seemed a matter of survival for my younger self to stay quiet and still. I arose from that massage a lighter person. With the support of the student practitioner and class facilitator, I was able to explore the situation simultaneously as child and adult. The grown-up part of me found help for that seemingly helpless seven year old, and I was able to make peace with all involved, including myself.
How did a massage induce such a powerful effect? Michaela explains, "When there's someone that's standing there with us…holding the space for us to remember our wholeness, we then have full access to heal." "Holding space," to put it simply, is a function of presence. When a bodyworker—or anyone, really—intentionally sets his or her ego aside and opens to the full experience of this moment, a safe space for others to open themselves to the fullness of their own experience is generated. Healing can then occur because experiencing a past trauma again, in a safe space, releases its hold on the present moment. The more one heals the past, the fewer limitations and restrictions that exist in present.
The more I heal myself and overcome my self-imposed limitations, the more presently I can attend to each moment as it occurs; and, the more I can show up wholly in the present, the more that space of wholeness extends out and invites others to heal. Overcoming my fear of being seen or heard, for example, allows me to write this article, which I hope serves as an invitation for you, dear reader, to explore your limitations and heal to your wholeness.
Michaela's vision is to create a peaceful world; she believes that as more people live fulfilled, easeful lives, even more people will be exposed to the possibility that their lives, too, can be fulfilled and rid of dis-ease. For her, ultimately, freeing the power to heal oneself gives access to freeing the power to heal the world. bodyworker—or anyone, really—intentionally sets his or her ego aside and opens to the full experience of this moment, a safe space for others to open themselves to the fullness of their own experience is generated. Healing can then occur because experiencing a past trauma again, in a safe space, releases its hold on the present moment. The more one heals the past, the fewer limitations and restrictions that exist in present.
www.capw.org
Friday, May 16, 2008
Choking On My Own Inadequacy
I can tell graduation is coming up in three months. I've had such extreme joy and sorrow in this past week, and now I sit here choking on my own inadequacy.
It's my own story of course, nobody's but mine. Nothing in particular really triggered it. I was driving home, and it was like an overwhelming emotional tidal wave took over and brought this up. It's probably my biggest pattern, always resurfacing.
Sometimes I feel like all this introspection is such a joke. I mean, I like the bullshit as much as the rest of them. I'd probably live a somewhat content life just being totally on the surface and joking around and being light hearted. In fact, that would be incredible. I have lots of moments like that, and it's great. But then this crap surfaces. It's hard not to judge myself, but why can't I just get over it? I know it needs attention, and I'm giving it attention. It's so uncomfortable as I practice tonglen and breathe in and out.
I was meeting with my favorite professor tonight and I know she cares about me so much and see so much in me. I think the world of her, I think she's wonderful. It makes me feel inadequate to be around her, not deserving of her time. It's so ridiculous. This pattern holds me back from so much.
I've been fighting feelings for a friend for awhile now. I'm not even sure what they are, if they are real or not. It feels unfair to say anything to him until I'm certain. It has been making me so uncomfortable, the more amazing and beautiful he tells me I am. I know he loves me for who I am, but it's triggering every inadequacy I have. It's really hard to deal with it. I find myself pushing him away and not wanting to be around him. How fucked up is that?
Going through all my stuff in my storage unit brought back so much. I re-read letters from years ago. Some friend friends who have since died, some from friends who have moved on, some from lovers where it didn't work out. Each letter either told me I was the best friend they've ever had or been the most in love with. And re-reading and remembering this, I didn't feel that way about myself. I've always known who I've wanted to be, I don't get why it's taking so long.
I'm pretty happy for most of life. I really am. I thought about all the relationships in my life, past and present and what I want the future ones to be like. I found it so interesting how with certain people, there have never been a conflict. Like with two of my gay friends. When I became friends with them, they weren't out of the closet yet, but we've always had this deep, beautiful and fun loving relationship, where there is never conflict. Then I think of other friendships and relationships and saw how these people brought out the very best and the very worst in me, whether they knew it or not. Those have been the more difficult relationships, but also the most rewarding. I'm still friends with most of those people today.
I'm thankful for the energetic support of Tibia. I can't imagine doing this work 100% on my own without support.
So here I am, still choking, but breathing. I hate that because of this prison my mind has put myself in, it's keeping me from so much. Keeping me from letting an amazing man love me, from being fully expressed, and from doing the things I really want to do. I've never really spoken or written of this before because it's been so buried. But I've done a ton of work peeling off the layers this year. So much work. So much hard, hard, painful, honest time with myself. It's been so worth it.
I want to put this out there, because it's ready to clear. It's so ready to clear. I know by utilizing this space, it will energetically support this clearing in my system. I'm so glad I understand how this metaphysical stuff works. That's one thing that's pretty cool.
I seriously have to wonder sometimes when you are honest enough with yourself to do this kind of work, how you date. I mean really. It's going to take somebody really really special to understand and support this. The guy that does will be the one that will win my heart. It's not like it's like this all the time, in fact it's not often at all. But when it comes up, it's shooker. Hmmm.... so much swimming around in my head right now. A moment of peace is what I crave.
It's my own story of course, nobody's but mine. Nothing in particular really triggered it. I was driving home, and it was like an overwhelming emotional tidal wave took over and brought this up. It's probably my biggest pattern, always resurfacing.
Sometimes I feel like all this introspection is such a joke. I mean, I like the bullshit as much as the rest of them. I'd probably live a somewhat content life just being totally on the surface and joking around and being light hearted. In fact, that would be incredible. I have lots of moments like that, and it's great. But then this crap surfaces. It's hard not to judge myself, but why can't I just get over it? I know it needs attention, and I'm giving it attention. It's so uncomfortable as I practice tonglen and breathe in and out.
I was meeting with my favorite professor tonight and I know she cares about me so much and see so much in me. I think the world of her, I think she's wonderful. It makes me feel inadequate to be around her, not deserving of her time. It's so ridiculous. This pattern holds me back from so much.
I've been fighting feelings for a friend for awhile now. I'm not even sure what they are, if they are real or not. It feels unfair to say anything to him until I'm certain. It has been making me so uncomfortable, the more amazing and beautiful he tells me I am. I know he loves me for who I am, but it's triggering every inadequacy I have. It's really hard to deal with it. I find myself pushing him away and not wanting to be around him. How fucked up is that?
Going through all my stuff in my storage unit brought back so much. I re-read letters from years ago. Some friend friends who have since died, some from friends who have moved on, some from lovers where it didn't work out. Each letter either told me I was the best friend they've ever had or been the most in love with. And re-reading and remembering this, I didn't feel that way about myself. I've always known who I've wanted to be, I don't get why it's taking so long.
I'm pretty happy for most of life. I really am. I thought about all the relationships in my life, past and present and what I want the future ones to be like. I found it so interesting how with certain people, there have never been a conflict. Like with two of my gay friends. When I became friends with them, they weren't out of the closet yet, but we've always had this deep, beautiful and fun loving relationship, where there is never conflict. Then I think of other friendships and relationships and saw how these people brought out the very best and the very worst in me, whether they knew it or not. Those have been the more difficult relationships, but also the most rewarding. I'm still friends with most of those people today.
I'm thankful for the energetic support of Tibia. I can't imagine doing this work 100% on my own without support.
So here I am, still choking, but breathing. I hate that because of this prison my mind has put myself in, it's keeping me from so much. Keeping me from letting an amazing man love me, from being fully expressed, and from doing the things I really want to do. I've never really spoken or written of this before because it's been so buried. But I've done a ton of work peeling off the layers this year. So much work. So much hard, hard, painful, honest time with myself. It's been so worth it.
I want to put this out there, because it's ready to clear. It's so ready to clear. I know by utilizing this space, it will energetically support this clearing in my system. I'm so glad I understand how this metaphysical stuff works. That's one thing that's pretty cool.
I seriously have to wonder sometimes when you are honest enough with yourself to do this kind of work, how you date. I mean really. It's going to take somebody really really special to understand and support this. The guy that does will be the one that will win my heart. It's not like it's like this all the time, in fact it's not often at all. But when it comes up, it's shooker. Hmmm.... so much swimming around in my head right now. A moment of peace is what I crave.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Life List
I've realized it takes me approximately six days to be so entirely fed up with being lame. What is one to do when walking is not an option? Lay around and make life lists, duh. It doesn't really seem all that profoundly amazing to me, but I guess I've realized I'm not really a profoundly amazing type of girls that needs all these things. Here are the things I've decided I want to make sure to do before this lifetime is over...in no particular order other than how they popped into my brain:
1. Swim with dolphins
2. Live by the ocean
3. Hold a baby tiger
4. Visit or work in Africa
5. Watch the baby sea turtles hatch and find the ocean
6. Create a successful business called Dragonfly Wellness
7. Be a part of integration of Eastern and Western Medicine
8. Be published in a medical journal
9. Receive my doctorate's degree in Oriental Medicine/Naturopathic Health
10. Practice meditation daily
11. Live in Europe for at least three months: write lots of poetry, drink lots of coffee, wear black and be mysterious.
12. Visit somewhere tropical with a man I'm in love with
13. See a tornado
14. Make friends with all my demons
15. Own the Gilmore Girls entire series on DVD
16. Be in a relationship that supports my dreams and his dreams.
17. Write a song
18. See Rent on Broadway (don't think I'm gonna make that one, unless it comes back again)
19. Be a role model to a child
20. Be a mother
21. Have an organic garden
22. Find a way to exercise that I enjoy and actually do it
23. Wear a sexy black dress and stilettos and sing on top of a piano
24. Pay it forward to at least one person for what Michaela has done for me
25. Be there for a loved once when they transition from this world to the next
26. Create a piece of art that I enjoy
27. Parasail
28. Backpack through Europe with Britters for her high school graduation
29. Fall in love and not worry about every next step and just enjoy being with him
30. Lear to dance where the guy does all these amazing lifts
31. Keep Niki's story alive until my last breath
32. Live in a home with a big white wrap around porch
33. Recognize the magnificence in all things
34. Horseback ride on the beach
35. Read all the Harry Potter Books to curiously magical children
36. Have beautiful skin
37. Be a full time vegetarian, not a flexible one
38. Make a difference in someone's life that I don't even know
39. Have a HUGE flower garden
40. Learn to cook Indian food
41. Be fully expressed
42. See the Northern Lights
43. Use intuitive gifts to bring peace to grieving families
44. Save a starving child
45. Adopt a pet from the animal shelter
46. Sleep under the stars with a man I'm in love with
47. Hot air balloon ride
48. Love everyone who comes into my life deeply and if the leave, let them go easily
49. Run up the stairs from the Rocky movies
50. Rent a big RV and go a road trip with friends for a few weeks
51. Spend part of my life as a photographer for weddings, capturing the love and joy for people
52. Play Eva Perone in Evita
53. Learn another language
54. Create a difference for every client on the table
55. Support others that are willing to do the work for transformation
56. Do my best everyday to stand for Love and Peace in the world
57. Help see Project Peace into fruition with CAPW and travel with them, holding space for those in need
58. Have a myofascial intensive
59. Go on a spiritual retreat
60. Wear a lei of fresh orchids
61. Host a murder mystery party
62. Learn to play guitar well
63. Be in a relationship with a man who will try or at least accept the weird things I do, like blowing up Easter peeps in the microwave before eating them and taking off for an afternoon with no destination in particular and stopping wherever the day takes you
64. Be in a relationship with a man who enjoys the simple things and can be creative, romantic and sees the good in people
65. See Mariah Carey in concert
66. Have my nose pierced again
67. Assist others with finding peace within themselves
68. Enjoy wine and cheese in a Paris outdoor cafe
69. Visit the place where the St. Valentine's day massacre happened
70. Visit a place that has one of those amazing spacious rooms with a huge white canopy bed, like you see on the travel channel with a man I'm in love with
71. Save someone's life
72. Build a home
73. Successfully complete one round of dance dance revolution
74. Actually find the man that I'm going to fall in love with (and he'll fall in love with me too! small, important detail)
75. Have an amazing fancy dinner party
1. Swim with dolphins
2. Live by the ocean
3. Hold a baby tiger
4. Visit or work in Africa
5. Watch the baby sea turtles hatch and find the ocean
6. Create a successful business called Dragonfly Wellness
7. Be a part of integration of Eastern and Western Medicine
8. Be published in a medical journal
9. Receive my doctorate's degree in Oriental Medicine/Naturopathic Health
10. Practice meditation daily
11. Live in Europe for at least three months: write lots of poetry, drink lots of coffee, wear black and be mysterious.
12. Visit somewhere tropical with a man I'm in love with
13. See a tornado
14. Make friends with all my demons
15. Own the Gilmore Girls entire series on DVD
16. Be in a relationship that supports my dreams and his dreams.
17. Write a song
18. See Rent on Broadway (don't think I'm gonna make that one, unless it comes back again)
19. Be a role model to a child
20. Be a mother
21. Have an organic garden
22. Find a way to exercise that I enjoy and actually do it
23. Wear a sexy black dress and stilettos and sing on top of a piano
24. Pay it forward to at least one person for what Michaela has done for me
25. Be there for a loved once when they transition from this world to the next
26. Create a piece of art that I enjoy
27. Parasail
28. Backpack through Europe with Britters for her high school graduation
29. Fall in love and not worry about every next step and just enjoy being with him
30. Lear to dance where the guy does all these amazing lifts
31. Keep Niki's story alive until my last breath
32. Live in a home with a big white wrap around porch
33. Recognize the magnificence in all things
34. Horseback ride on the beach
35. Read all the Harry Potter Books to curiously magical children
36. Have beautiful skin
37. Be a full time vegetarian, not a flexible one
38. Make a difference in someone's life that I don't even know
39. Have a HUGE flower garden
40. Learn to cook Indian food
41. Be fully expressed
42. See the Northern Lights
43. Use intuitive gifts to bring peace to grieving families
44. Save a starving child
45. Adopt a pet from the animal shelter
46. Sleep under the stars with a man I'm in love with
47. Hot air balloon ride
48. Love everyone who comes into my life deeply and if the leave, let them go easily
49. Run up the stairs from the Rocky movies
50. Rent a big RV and go a road trip with friends for a few weeks
51. Spend part of my life as a photographer for weddings, capturing the love and joy for people
52. Play Eva Perone in Evita
53. Learn another language
54. Create a difference for every client on the table
55. Support others that are willing to do the work for transformation
56. Do my best everyday to stand for Love and Peace in the world
57. Help see Project Peace into fruition with CAPW and travel with them, holding space for those in need
58. Have a myofascial intensive
59. Go on a spiritual retreat
60. Wear a lei of fresh orchids
61. Host a murder mystery party
62. Learn to play guitar well
63. Be in a relationship with a man who will try or at least accept the weird things I do, like blowing up Easter peeps in the microwave before eating them and taking off for an afternoon with no destination in particular and stopping wherever the day takes you
64. Be in a relationship with a man who enjoys the simple things and can be creative, romantic and sees the good in people
65. See Mariah Carey in concert
66. Have my nose pierced again
67. Assist others with finding peace within themselves
68. Enjoy wine and cheese in a Paris outdoor cafe
69. Visit the place where the St. Valentine's day massacre happened
70. Visit a place that has one of those amazing spacious rooms with a huge white canopy bed, like you see on the travel channel with a man I'm in love with
71. Save someone's life
72. Build a home
73. Successfully complete one round of dance dance revolution
74. Actually find the man that I'm going to fall in love with (and he'll fall in love with me too! small, important detail)
75. Have an amazing fancy dinner party
Saturday, May 10, 2008
A lesson in love
Today was an interesting day for me. For those of you who don't know, I'm in school for massage therapy and have class every weekend. I go to a school that stands for personal transformation. I usually don't write these types of blogs on facebook, but it seems I'm supposed to share this.
I had surgery earlier this week and both of my feet are broken. I use crutches to balance and get around and can only put weight on the heels of my feet.
My classmate and I were at Copp's getting a salad bar for lunch. I was trying to balance myself, my crutches, and make my salad. This guy in his probably mid forties comes up behind me. He announces to me, "You might want to pull your pants up because your underwear in showing...have some class." He walked away.
I stood there in shock...clearly, can he not see that I'm trying the best I can and wasn't aware that my pants had slipped down? My friend shouted after him, "Both of her feet are broken, what the hell?"
It bothered me and stirred me up. It reminded me of younger years in school when you are bullied and you just sit there and take it, because that's better than to keep being made fun of. The minute you stand up for yourself, the harder they tease you. It kills something in your soul, it makes you feel unworthy, unloved and useless....like you don't belong. I couldn't believe I was getting bullied by some 40 year old dumb ass at the grocery store and it was actually BOTHERING me. Stir it up, it all occurs for a greater reason....
Today was energetic alignment in school. Our teacher is intuitive and tracks the energy in the class. Most people don't understand this, and I'm ok with that. It's important and real, and everyone can see or feel it if they just look. Most people are too afraid or really just that clueless.
I was working a tandem massage today. When we were working on my first classmate, I got really emotional for no particular reason. It was just there. I felt like my heart was breaking, in a good way. I just felt all this LOVE. Energetically it felt like walls were coming down that I had put up through the years. I cried the tears because they were there, even if I didn't know why.
We switched and worked on my other classmate, the same one I went to lunch with. The instructor came over and did energy work on me while I was working on my friend. All I could feel was all this love for her. It was deeper than the surface. It was like, I have a love for his group of people because we all have this agreement together, or this soul contract, or something.
It felt so good to have a friend that would stick up for me in front of this jerk at the grocery store and just be such a great support. I'm not very mobile, so I basically did energy work on her while my classmate did massage on her. It was really beautiful. I just cried, because it was human compassion and human love. All those things that we block ourselves from because it has hurt us before, or scared us, we close our hearts to each other and ourselves.
It was my turn and when my classmate was doing energy work on my broken feet and not even touching them, they hurt so badly. Physically. Then it changed into a feeling of my feet being put back together again. Both physically and energetically. It felt like my legs were shattering and being put back together. It was amazing. The instructor came over to me and whispered, "It's like it had to be this way. Your feet. They are mirroring something in you. They had to be broken to be put back together." It's like I had to break myself to reorganize. To create something new.
And that's how we are.... Isn't it? We all are broken at some point in our lives, but somewhere along the line, we decide to be put back together. And it can show up in the most unusual ways. I really believe every person, every event and relationship comes into our lives to show us something in ourselves. Sometimes we don't like what we see. Sometimes we become people we don't like or recognize. Sometimes we have to get so far away from ourselves to make that realization.
Doing this kind of work is not easy, in fact it's the hardest thing I've ever done.
I had a lesson in love today. The love between friends. No matter how much we allow ourselves to build up these walls, run away from what scares us, and seclude ourselves in pain and then deny it, we are all one. I have a new found compassion today. Even for the jerk in the grocery store.
You might not know it, but you might be someone's reason for living. You make a difference, and you may not even know how, but you do. Choose what you say carefully, because you sometimes won't know the effect of your words.
Most importantly, love who comes into your life, they are there for a reason. To wake you up, to show you something you were missing. Sometimes it's for a life time. What we judge as good and bad, it's all part of something greater.
It reminds me of one of my favorite movies, "Love Actually....."
"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion love actually is all around."~Love Actually
It's taken me a long time to get to this place. It's about time. By the way, I can walk without my crutches pretty easily now.
I had surgery earlier this week and both of my feet are broken. I use crutches to balance and get around and can only put weight on the heels of my feet.
My classmate and I were at Copp's getting a salad bar for lunch. I was trying to balance myself, my crutches, and make my salad. This guy in his probably mid forties comes up behind me. He announces to me, "You might want to pull your pants up because your underwear in showing...have some class." He walked away.
I stood there in shock...clearly, can he not see that I'm trying the best I can and wasn't aware that my pants had slipped down? My friend shouted after him, "Both of her feet are broken, what the hell?"
It bothered me and stirred me up. It reminded me of younger years in school when you are bullied and you just sit there and take it, because that's better than to keep being made fun of. The minute you stand up for yourself, the harder they tease you. It kills something in your soul, it makes you feel unworthy, unloved and useless....like you don't belong. I couldn't believe I was getting bullied by some 40 year old dumb ass at the grocery store and it was actually BOTHERING me. Stir it up, it all occurs for a greater reason....
Today was energetic alignment in school. Our teacher is intuitive and tracks the energy in the class. Most people don't understand this, and I'm ok with that. It's important and real, and everyone can see or feel it if they just look. Most people are too afraid or really just that clueless.
I was working a tandem massage today. When we were working on my first classmate, I got really emotional for no particular reason. It was just there. I felt like my heart was breaking, in a good way. I just felt all this LOVE. Energetically it felt like walls were coming down that I had put up through the years. I cried the tears because they were there, even if I didn't know why.
We switched and worked on my other classmate, the same one I went to lunch with. The instructor came over and did energy work on me while I was working on my friend. All I could feel was all this love for her. It was deeper than the surface. It was like, I have a love for his group of people because we all have this agreement together, or this soul contract, or something.
It felt so good to have a friend that would stick up for me in front of this jerk at the grocery store and just be such a great support. I'm not very mobile, so I basically did energy work on her while my classmate did massage on her. It was really beautiful. I just cried, because it was human compassion and human love. All those things that we block ourselves from because it has hurt us before, or scared us, we close our hearts to each other and ourselves.
It was my turn and when my classmate was doing energy work on my broken feet and not even touching them, they hurt so badly. Physically. Then it changed into a feeling of my feet being put back together again. Both physically and energetically. It felt like my legs were shattering and being put back together. It was amazing. The instructor came over to me and whispered, "It's like it had to be this way. Your feet. They are mirroring something in you. They had to be broken to be put back together." It's like I had to break myself to reorganize. To create something new.
And that's how we are.... Isn't it? We all are broken at some point in our lives, but somewhere along the line, we decide to be put back together. And it can show up in the most unusual ways. I really believe every person, every event and relationship comes into our lives to show us something in ourselves. Sometimes we don't like what we see. Sometimes we become people we don't like or recognize. Sometimes we have to get so far away from ourselves to make that realization.
Doing this kind of work is not easy, in fact it's the hardest thing I've ever done.
I had a lesson in love today. The love between friends. No matter how much we allow ourselves to build up these walls, run away from what scares us, and seclude ourselves in pain and then deny it, we are all one. I have a new found compassion today. Even for the jerk in the grocery store.
You might not know it, but you might be someone's reason for living. You make a difference, and you may not even know how, but you do. Choose what you say carefully, because you sometimes won't know the effect of your words.
Most importantly, love who comes into your life, they are there for a reason. To wake you up, to show you something you were missing. Sometimes it's for a life time. What we judge as good and bad, it's all part of something greater.
It reminds me of one of my favorite movies, "Love Actually....."
"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion love actually is all around."~Love Actually
It's taken me a long time to get to this place. It's about time. By the way, I can walk without my crutches pretty easily now.
Love actually is all around....
Monday, April 28, 2008
Bubbling Up
I'm really starting to get sick of the nightmares...two more today during my nap. After an intense reiki session last night, I'm getting closer to my "attacker." This time, I was about to go to sleep in my dream. I laid down on the side of the bed that I normally don't lay on. I was on my side, facing my door, and I saw that something was tossing and turning next to me under the covers. I was scared, but I decided to push it off the bed. As I went into push it, this huge force wooshed back at me and I felt myself being pushed back almost like a blast or something. I woke up, with a huge breath, sitting up in bed.
The second one involved my ex boyfriend wanting to be with me again. I was with my roommate at some random bar in the combination or Madison-Whitewater land. I had a dream about this place one year ago. We went outside, there was my ex, hugging me, not letting go. I told him to get off of me because it was really uncomfortable. He kept clinging and then this insane guy came up and started screaming at Sarah, but she just kept walking ahead. We were taken to this "shady" home with all these "shady characters." There was small stage with jail bars across it. The cops came and took this insane guy up to the stage where there was a small DJ booth. He sat on stage right, then the dj booth center stage, and the cop stage left. The insane guy kept screaming and screaming these things at her. There were all these shady people walking around...a prostitute, g-funk drug addict guy, etc. The cops didn't really do anything...then I woke up.
I'm scared to go back to sleep lately. I think it's interesting that I'm getting closer to whatever it is that is "eating me up inside." This fear. Physically closer in each dream, now I'm able to touch it after the reiki session. During the reiki session I had intense past life and this life memories come up that I obviously wasn't aware of and also had buried because it was so painful. I remember him carrying my broken body in the past life. I remember what someone else did to me during this life, that I had long buried in my subconscious. Painful, awful and nasty stuff that had been sitting in my body.
I'm glad it's bubbling up. If it didn't, it would always sit there keeping me blocked in my patterns. We are starting to study Jin Shin Do in school. I love it. I love Taoism and the concepts of Chinese Medicine far more that I thought I would. Qi Gong has been interesting because through instruction, I have found that my Qi is really out of whack. I have too much yang, too much heat...and it also manifests in these hot, intesense, feverish flashes that my doctor was concerned about. It's hard to differentiate what is physical, what is emotional...not that it really matters...it's all one in the same.
My feelings are bubbling up. It's so unreal to me that I'm even having these feelings. I've been friends with this person since high school, and I'm just NOW realizing it's more than that? Seriously? I wonder if they are real and really about him, or they are just about my desire to have someone really "get me." He's the closest I have to that right now. Perhaps that's it. I just wonder, as humans, how much we push below the surface, in order not to see? Perhaps the things we think that are so important...that person, that job, that "thing," that whatever it is, is really just covering up what needs to be dealt with below. Does it ever stop?
I'm clear now about what this lifetime is for me. I've wanted that answer for so long and I got it in the reiki session. Well, at least I got the answer of why I do the things I do, and the patterns that have run my life. I just hope the doctors find something from these tests and the nightmares stop. I know they won't, until this stuff is cleared through. I wonder if all this pain and suffering will be worth it, in the end?
The second one involved my ex boyfriend wanting to be with me again. I was with my roommate at some random bar in the combination or Madison-Whitewater land. I had a dream about this place one year ago. We went outside, there was my ex, hugging me, not letting go. I told him to get off of me because it was really uncomfortable. He kept clinging and then this insane guy came up and started screaming at Sarah, but she just kept walking ahead. We were taken to this "shady" home with all these "shady characters." There was small stage with jail bars across it. The cops came and took this insane guy up to the stage where there was a small DJ booth. He sat on stage right, then the dj booth center stage, and the cop stage left. The insane guy kept screaming and screaming these things at her. There were all these shady people walking around...a prostitute, g-funk drug addict guy, etc. The cops didn't really do anything...then I woke up.
I'm scared to go back to sleep lately. I think it's interesting that I'm getting closer to whatever it is that is "eating me up inside." This fear. Physically closer in each dream, now I'm able to touch it after the reiki session. During the reiki session I had intense past life and this life memories come up that I obviously wasn't aware of and also had buried because it was so painful. I remember him carrying my broken body in the past life. I remember what someone else did to me during this life, that I had long buried in my subconscious. Painful, awful and nasty stuff that had been sitting in my body.
I'm glad it's bubbling up. If it didn't, it would always sit there keeping me blocked in my patterns. We are starting to study Jin Shin Do in school. I love it. I love Taoism and the concepts of Chinese Medicine far more that I thought I would. Qi Gong has been interesting because through instruction, I have found that my Qi is really out of whack. I have too much yang, too much heat...and it also manifests in these hot, intesense, feverish flashes that my doctor was concerned about. It's hard to differentiate what is physical, what is emotional...not that it really matters...it's all one in the same.
My feelings are bubbling up. It's so unreal to me that I'm even having these feelings. I've been friends with this person since high school, and I'm just NOW realizing it's more than that? Seriously? I wonder if they are real and really about him, or they are just about my desire to have someone really "get me." He's the closest I have to that right now. Perhaps that's it. I just wonder, as humans, how much we push below the surface, in order not to see? Perhaps the things we think that are so important...that person, that job, that "thing," that whatever it is, is really just covering up what needs to be dealt with below. Does it ever stop?
I'm clear now about what this lifetime is for me. I've wanted that answer for so long and I got it in the reiki session. Well, at least I got the answer of why I do the things I do, and the patterns that have run my life. I just hope the doctors find something from these tests and the nightmares stop. I know they won't, until this stuff is cleared through. I wonder if all this pain and suffering will be worth it, in the end?
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