So. Ok.
I just did some inner listening, or "meditating" or whatever and I kept hearing the name, Matt Gordon. Ok fine. Seriously people...do they ever leave me alone? Not really...but this time...for a reason.
I googled the name and this is what I found. He had a chance with his one true love again...and then died from surgery. But he got to say what he needed to. And I know, what I crave more than anything in this life is real, true love. Not the stupid love that you do to pass your time, or the superficial love of most. Real love for myself, for others and in a relationship. I realized...in order to have that, I must be it. There's the breakthrough....and there's the challenge. Shit. This means being nice to old people too. I have to believe this is actually possible for me. I can do this.
Here's Matt's blog...I find it pretty interesting.
http://jinx12582.blogspot.com/
Friday, May 29, 2009
Drowsy/Dizzy/Discouraged
I think it was back in February when a friend of mine called last minute and his sister won tickets to see “The Drowsy Chaperone” at the Overture Center. I’ve been toying around with writing this blog since then. I guess it’s been building up in my head and frankly, a LOT more came up with these emotions than I was expecting. But ultimately, it’s leading me toward where I need to be going next.
The premise is simple, yet extremely complex if you let your mind go there. A young man has an old record player in his NYC apartment and loves to play an old musical soundtrack on it called, “The Drowsy Chaperone.” The man gets lost in the music and the story and narrates to the audience what pleasure he receives from escaping reality and diving into the world of musical theater as his reality. The characters become real to him and he ultimately becomes part of the show at the end. He concludes that musicals are wonderful because everything always works out in the end. There’s music and dancing and everything is joyous and grand. The script is hilarious and is often light hearted, but at the end of the show I was left a little torn up, and it wasn’t pretty.
I have lots of friends involved in theater, including myself. Some are very heavily involved; overlapping shows and well, I think that’s completely crazy. Some are lightly involved, like me; maybe doing one to two shows a year. Here’s the thing: If the brain truly doesn’t know the difference between something imagined and something tangible…where is the line drawn? Studies have shown the brain has the same chemical response when elite athletes “think” through a game or performance successfully as they would when actually playing the game. Do actors actually become their characters? Does your brain know the difference between that personality and yours? Do some people actually use acting as a way to express emotions they are unable to express in their “real” lives? You have to have something to draw upon when playing a character…so where does that actually come from? I’ve always known that most people that do a lot of theatre have many emotional issues, after being involved in it since high school, but this play really stirred something up deep for me. What was I missing?
I let these questions kind of (un)settle in my system and I just stepped back into observation mode in my life. I still went about my everyday life, but just had this in my awareness. I realized that I can get obsessed with TV shows. Like some of my friends get that way with theatre, I am with TV. It’s not that I believe it’s real, it’s just that sometimes it’s more fun to talk about what Jim and Pam are doing or imagining what it would actually be like to be Jillian Michaels than to be me. In the acting television world, everything always works out the way you want it to, what’s meant to be finds its way, and well, everyone is usually pretty attractive. I think certain stories find their way into our hearts because they remind us so much of ourselves. Sometimes it’s easier to pretend to be Barney Stinson for a day, or Lorelei Gilmore to get myself through the day. Nothing hurts these characters and their self confidence is sky high. If my brain doesn’t truly know the difference, it’s easy to put on an act. It’s something to hide behind. It’s something, anything, to not get myself to feel pain or to put off figuring out my life or cleaning my condo or whatever boring reality is occurring. It’s something to hide behind so I’m not honest with myself that my current job isn’t making ends meet, or I miss companionship in my life. It’s a distraction. And really…human beings are experts in creating distractions in their lives so they ignore what is truly important.
I think the reason I get obsessed with people like Jillian, is because she has (or seems to have) her shit together. She’s in awesome shape, she “gets it”, and she has an awesome job that inspires millions of people to get their own shit together. That is truly amazing. If you can love your life so much that you naturally inspire others, well that’s a true blessing.
I think about how humans create their own reality. It’s true. What you think about is what gets your attention. What gets your attention is where you take action or are afraid to take action and suffer. Our self esteem and confidence reflects in our outer life. Is your home always messy? Do you endure your job for a good paycheck? Are you dating someone that is kind of ok, but too scared to actually find someone that will commit to you and is actually real and inspires you everyday? Does your marriage suck? Are you afraid of the next step because it could mean failure? Do you constantly keep yourself so busy you have no time for yourself or friendships? Do you find yourself scrambling everyday because there isn’t “enough time?” Is your partner this way too? This is avoidance. And I am princess of that. At least I can admit it….there has to be a way out.
I look at people like my neighbor. He is going blind and deaf. He stays at home and he goes fishing. He goes for walks. He visits friends. He yells at my friends when they smoke on my balcony. This is his reality. This is what he has created. This is what shapes his personality. Now what if he decided he wanted to get a job or start gardening? That first would begin with a thought…and then depending on his fear and self esteem, he would either take a shot at it or not. He would change, or he would stay the same. It’s an easy example because he leads a relatively simple life. I am not simple. I am complex as hell. I can’t even figure myself out, let alone someone else. Maybe it’s time to start simplifying?
Life is actually simple if you take emotions out of it. Do you hate your job? Quit. Done. That’s it. Do you eat like shit and are you overweight? Eat healthy. Exercise. Done. So why is it so hard to make changes that stick? It’s because it’s extremely uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s way more comfortable to just stay the same…because it’s what we are used to. We get attached to our suffering and believe there is no way out. How could there possibly be? I can’t do this because there isn’t any time. Bullshit. Make it. If it’s important, you will figure it out. I don’t have any money. Make more. It’s the “how” that gets us so stuck. Trying to figure out “how” it will all come into play is what makes us nuts. We don’t know anyone else’s journey but our own. If we are blessed to walk with someone for awhile, embrace it, but when they let you go, let them go too. It’s all wasted energy that you could be focusing in on creating your life the way you envision and the way you want.
In the space between, which I feel I am now, it can be incredibly uncomfortable. I know I am meant for great things. The way my brain works, my creativity and my passion and compassion for humans is what leads to greatness. So much “junk” is in the way though. All thoughts I’ve created based on what others have thought, or my family has thought and I started to believe as true. My self esteem shattered a few years ago when I thought I had met the most incredible person ever, but he didn’t think I was so incredible. Rejection burns, but it makes us stronger. We have to see our own value even when others don’t, or are afraid of it. We have to believe we are good enough for what life drops in on us, because we tend to fuck it up pretty easily.
So how do you become who you know you were meant to be? Action. What does it take to take action? It takes courage. You have to actually do it. You can sit around your house and read and hibernate and try to figure it all out….but that does nothing. It gets you nowhere. You have to get off your ass and workout. Get off your ass and start dating. But then your mind chimes in. You have to change your thoughts. I know when I start to get sick, I’m so off track that even my body is pissed off. That’s a really good sign for me.
I’ve been on this journey of self discovery and spirituality for awhile now. It ebbs and flows. There are times when I’m on the money, and times when I’m so off. Most people never bother to venture on this road, because it is painful. It is joyous. It is out of balance. It is in balance. It’s just kind of all over the place…but I hope, eventually it will be somewhat sound. I think it is better than not knowing. I think it is better than where I was six years ago.
I am so blessed with so many talents. So what am I actually going to take action on and do? And why do I feel pressured to narrow it down to one or just a few? I want to do so much I get overwhelmed and do nothing.
I had lunch with a friend today. His coworker and acquaintance of mine wanted to come along too. My friend told him no, because he wanted me all to himself. We hadn’t seen each other in about a month, and just wanted Jess time. That made me feel really good. To know that despite everything that goes through my brain at a rapid pace every day, despite my fears and insecurities and despite the fact that I’m not always the best Jess I can be, he still loves me for me. And that’s just it. We’re all human. Nobody is perfect. I think the best thing to know, is that we are all in this together.
The premise is simple, yet extremely complex if you let your mind go there. A young man has an old record player in his NYC apartment and loves to play an old musical soundtrack on it called, “The Drowsy Chaperone.” The man gets lost in the music and the story and narrates to the audience what pleasure he receives from escaping reality and diving into the world of musical theater as his reality. The characters become real to him and he ultimately becomes part of the show at the end. He concludes that musicals are wonderful because everything always works out in the end. There’s music and dancing and everything is joyous and grand. The script is hilarious and is often light hearted, but at the end of the show I was left a little torn up, and it wasn’t pretty.
I have lots of friends involved in theater, including myself. Some are very heavily involved; overlapping shows and well, I think that’s completely crazy. Some are lightly involved, like me; maybe doing one to two shows a year. Here’s the thing: If the brain truly doesn’t know the difference between something imagined and something tangible…where is the line drawn? Studies have shown the brain has the same chemical response when elite athletes “think” through a game or performance successfully as they would when actually playing the game. Do actors actually become their characters? Does your brain know the difference between that personality and yours? Do some people actually use acting as a way to express emotions they are unable to express in their “real” lives? You have to have something to draw upon when playing a character…so where does that actually come from? I’ve always known that most people that do a lot of theatre have many emotional issues, after being involved in it since high school, but this play really stirred something up deep for me. What was I missing?
I let these questions kind of (un)settle in my system and I just stepped back into observation mode in my life. I still went about my everyday life, but just had this in my awareness. I realized that I can get obsessed with TV shows. Like some of my friends get that way with theatre, I am with TV. It’s not that I believe it’s real, it’s just that sometimes it’s more fun to talk about what Jim and Pam are doing or imagining what it would actually be like to be Jillian Michaels than to be me. In the acting television world, everything always works out the way you want it to, what’s meant to be finds its way, and well, everyone is usually pretty attractive. I think certain stories find their way into our hearts because they remind us so much of ourselves. Sometimes it’s easier to pretend to be Barney Stinson for a day, or Lorelei Gilmore to get myself through the day. Nothing hurts these characters and their self confidence is sky high. If my brain doesn’t truly know the difference, it’s easy to put on an act. It’s something to hide behind. It’s something, anything, to not get myself to feel pain or to put off figuring out my life or cleaning my condo or whatever boring reality is occurring. It’s something to hide behind so I’m not honest with myself that my current job isn’t making ends meet, or I miss companionship in my life. It’s a distraction. And really…human beings are experts in creating distractions in their lives so they ignore what is truly important.
I think the reason I get obsessed with people like Jillian, is because she has (or seems to have) her shit together. She’s in awesome shape, she “gets it”, and she has an awesome job that inspires millions of people to get their own shit together. That is truly amazing. If you can love your life so much that you naturally inspire others, well that’s a true blessing.
I think about how humans create their own reality. It’s true. What you think about is what gets your attention. What gets your attention is where you take action or are afraid to take action and suffer. Our self esteem and confidence reflects in our outer life. Is your home always messy? Do you endure your job for a good paycheck? Are you dating someone that is kind of ok, but too scared to actually find someone that will commit to you and is actually real and inspires you everyday? Does your marriage suck? Are you afraid of the next step because it could mean failure? Do you constantly keep yourself so busy you have no time for yourself or friendships? Do you find yourself scrambling everyday because there isn’t “enough time?” Is your partner this way too? This is avoidance. And I am princess of that. At least I can admit it….there has to be a way out.
I look at people like my neighbor. He is going blind and deaf. He stays at home and he goes fishing. He goes for walks. He visits friends. He yells at my friends when they smoke on my balcony. This is his reality. This is what he has created. This is what shapes his personality. Now what if he decided he wanted to get a job or start gardening? That first would begin with a thought…and then depending on his fear and self esteem, he would either take a shot at it or not. He would change, or he would stay the same. It’s an easy example because he leads a relatively simple life. I am not simple. I am complex as hell. I can’t even figure myself out, let alone someone else. Maybe it’s time to start simplifying?
Life is actually simple if you take emotions out of it. Do you hate your job? Quit. Done. That’s it. Do you eat like shit and are you overweight? Eat healthy. Exercise. Done. So why is it so hard to make changes that stick? It’s because it’s extremely uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s way more comfortable to just stay the same…because it’s what we are used to. We get attached to our suffering and believe there is no way out. How could there possibly be? I can’t do this because there isn’t any time. Bullshit. Make it. If it’s important, you will figure it out. I don’t have any money. Make more. It’s the “how” that gets us so stuck. Trying to figure out “how” it will all come into play is what makes us nuts. We don’t know anyone else’s journey but our own. If we are blessed to walk with someone for awhile, embrace it, but when they let you go, let them go too. It’s all wasted energy that you could be focusing in on creating your life the way you envision and the way you want.
In the space between, which I feel I am now, it can be incredibly uncomfortable. I know I am meant for great things. The way my brain works, my creativity and my passion and compassion for humans is what leads to greatness. So much “junk” is in the way though. All thoughts I’ve created based on what others have thought, or my family has thought and I started to believe as true. My self esteem shattered a few years ago when I thought I had met the most incredible person ever, but he didn’t think I was so incredible. Rejection burns, but it makes us stronger. We have to see our own value even when others don’t, or are afraid of it. We have to believe we are good enough for what life drops in on us, because we tend to fuck it up pretty easily.
So how do you become who you know you were meant to be? Action. What does it take to take action? It takes courage. You have to actually do it. You can sit around your house and read and hibernate and try to figure it all out….but that does nothing. It gets you nowhere. You have to get off your ass and workout. Get off your ass and start dating. But then your mind chimes in. You have to change your thoughts. I know when I start to get sick, I’m so off track that even my body is pissed off. That’s a really good sign for me.
I’ve been on this journey of self discovery and spirituality for awhile now. It ebbs and flows. There are times when I’m on the money, and times when I’m so off. Most people never bother to venture on this road, because it is painful. It is joyous. It is out of balance. It is in balance. It’s just kind of all over the place…but I hope, eventually it will be somewhat sound. I think it is better than not knowing. I think it is better than where I was six years ago.
I am so blessed with so many talents. So what am I actually going to take action on and do? And why do I feel pressured to narrow it down to one or just a few? I want to do so much I get overwhelmed and do nothing.
I had lunch with a friend today. His coworker and acquaintance of mine wanted to come along too. My friend told him no, because he wanted me all to himself. We hadn’t seen each other in about a month, and just wanted Jess time. That made me feel really good. To know that despite everything that goes through my brain at a rapid pace every day, despite my fears and insecurities and despite the fact that I’m not always the best Jess I can be, he still loves me for me. And that’s just it. We’re all human. Nobody is perfect. I think the best thing to know, is that we are all in this together.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
