Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Circles
Circles
I've been reading lately about the human brain. I've been understanding lately that it's programmed into your brain, and "easier" to go back to old habits. That's why most people fail. People are used to what's comfortable, even if that means what is not necessarily "best" for them. You see it over and over in everyone else but yourself. I'm starting to see it in myself. I'm failing.
I always find something to relate too, and as ridiculous as it is, right now, I relate to the Office. I relate to the character of Pam Beasley. I watch her throughout the progression of the show, going from a mousy receptionist in an unhealthy relationship to someone who starts to test her power by standing up for herself and being involved in a healthy relationship with herself and with Jim. I guess I'm at the mousy receptionist stage right now. I've known the former and the latter, and it's really hard when you're in the former to remember the latter.
I love being optomistic. It's engrained in my character, but lately, I just feel negative. I feel down on myself because I'm gaining weight, I'm tired all the time and I feel like doing nothing. I have moments of inspiration, but then I feel helpless and defeated again. I have these burst of anxiety. I go back to this way of being because that's what my brain feels is normal and comfortable and I create it over and over and over again. I guess at least I'm aware of it instead of it happening unconsciously. People tell you to be patient and easy on yourself, but that isn't producing results for me. Maybe I need to be harder on myself.
In college, I was very hard on myself. I survived off of diet coke and an elliptical machine. I was dating a suicidal maniac. I had great friends though. That's something I've never lacked. I wonder sometimes who the hell would want to hang out with me? I guess I do throw out some damn witty statements sometimes and like to have fun....but where's the self worth here? From others?
I'm working four jobs right now. I'm not even making the bills. When I punch in for my shift at Bath and Body Works I kind of as myself...what am I doing? I'm a stellar student, a great massage therapist....this job is beneath me. But yet, it humbles me. I shouldn't have to do this, I think. But it's where I'm at. It's what I've created.
I'm under constant stress. My low back is always in pain. I wonder why I do this to myself. I'm usually a happy person. Is it this awful weather? Last winter I felt like I lost my mind for a bit. Maybe it is this ridiculous cold that I keep telling myself I'm going to move away from. But do I? No. Why? Because I don't know differently and in that, I create my own prison.
I read today that you can't expect anyone to understand you if they don't understand themselves. I think that's true. I feel sometimes I don't understand myself, hence, why I can't attract someone that understands me or even wants to try. Touch is so important and I'm so romantically lonely right now. It's hard to admit, but it's true. It's not like I can just go out and get laid. I mean, come on, I'm not a guy who would just sleep with anyone. It's different for girls. Girls like me anyway.
So here I am: fat, lonely and uninspired. Why? Because I truly don't know how to get myself out of it. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this. Oh of course I can create an exercise program and stick to it for a few weeks. I can eat healthy for a bit. I can even forget about dating and affection for awhile. I can do affirmations and feel positive. But eventually, it all sinks back into this....why can't I ever stick to anything that's good for me? Why do I poison my body with shitty food, punish my body with no exercise and mutilate my self esteem with wanting guys who don't want me?
Fuck this. Can I get a re-do? Or at least can I skip ahead to the part where I stand up for myself and am sexy and beautiful again? I'd sit down and make a plan, but I'll probably have to work. Oh wallowing in self pity...so much fun on a Tuesday night. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who feels this way? I'm sure I'll be writing about how inpsired I am again next week. Is there ever any balance? Will I ever be able to just relax again? Sighhhhhhhhhhh. Maybe it's time for another episode of The Office.
I went to an old friends' party the other day. He had this cute efficiency apartment. I've been fantasizing about getting one in the middle of the woods. Sometimes alone is the only place I truly feel safe.
I've been reading lately about the human brain. I've been understanding lately that it's programmed into your brain, and "easier" to go back to old habits. That's why most people fail. People are used to what's comfortable, even if that means what is not necessarily "best" for them. You see it over and over in everyone else but yourself. I'm starting to see it in myself. I'm failing.
I always find something to relate too, and as ridiculous as it is, right now, I relate to the Office. I relate to the character of Pam Beasley. I watch her throughout the progression of the show, going from a mousy receptionist in an unhealthy relationship to someone who starts to test her power by standing up for herself and being involved in a healthy relationship with herself and with Jim. I guess I'm at the mousy receptionist stage right now. I've known the former and the latter, and it's really hard when you're in the former to remember the latter.
I love being optomistic. It's engrained in my character, but lately, I just feel negative. I feel down on myself because I'm gaining weight, I'm tired all the time and I feel like doing nothing. I have moments of inspiration, but then I feel helpless and defeated again. I have these burst of anxiety. I go back to this way of being because that's what my brain feels is normal and comfortable and I create it over and over and over again. I guess at least I'm aware of it instead of it happening unconsciously. People tell you to be patient and easy on yourself, but that isn't producing results for me. Maybe I need to be harder on myself.
In college, I was very hard on myself. I survived off of diet coke and an elliptical machine. I was dating a suicidal maniac. I had great friends though. That's something I've never lacked. I wonder sometimes who the hell would want to hang out with me? I guess I do throw out some damn witty statements sometimes and like to have fun....but where's the self worth here? From others?
I'm working four jobs right now. I'm not even making the bills. When I punch in for my shift at Bath and Body Works I kind of as myself...what am I doing? I'm a stellar student, a great massage therapist....this job is beneath me. But yet, it humbles me. I shouldn't have to do this, I think. But it's where I'm at. It's what I've created.
I'm under constant stress. My low back is always in pain. I wonder why I do this to myself. I'm usually a happy person. Is it this awful weather? Last winter I felt like I lost my mind for a bit. Maybe it is this ridiculous cold that I keep telling myself I'm going to move away from. But do I? No. Why? Because I don't know differently and in that, I create my own prison.
I read today that you can't expect anyone to understand you if they don't understand themselves. I think that's true. I feel sometimes I don't understand myself, hence, why I can't attract someone that understands me or even wants to try. Touch is so important and I'm so romantically lonely right now. It's hard to admit, but it's true. It's not like I can just go out and get laid. I mean, come on, I'm not a guy who would just sleep with anyone. It's different for girls. Girls like me anyway.
So here I am: fat, lonely and uninspired. Why? Because I truly don't know how to get myself out of it. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this. Oh of course I can create an exercise program and stick to it for a few weeks. I can eat healthy for a bit. I can even forget about dating and affection for awhile. I can do affirmations and feel positive. But eventually, it all sinks back into this....why can't I ever stick to anything that's good for me? Why do I poison my body with shitty food, punish my body with no exercise and mutilate my self esteem with wanting guys who don't want me?
Fuck this. Can I get a re-do? Or at least can I skip ahead to the part where I stand up for myself and am sexy and beautiful again? I'd sit down and make a plan, but I'll probably have to work. Oh wallowing in self pity...so much fun on a Tuesday night. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who feels this way? I'm sure I'll be writing about how inpsired I am again next week. Is there ever any balance? Will I ever be able to just relax again? Sighhhhhhhhhhh. Maybe it's time for another episode of The Office.
I went to an old friends' party the other day. He had this cute efficiency apartment. I've been fantasizing about getting one in the middle of the woods. Sometimes alone is the only place I truly feel safe.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
My Snow Day
Today I had a marvelous snow day. I knew I would be having this day last night, so I thought about what I wanted to do today. I knew I at least wanted to get the holiday decorations up, even if I don't really believe in the Holidays. I just love having the lights up and sparkling ornaments on the tree. It adds a bit of illumination to my life.
I started my day with watching the Pursuit of Happyness. What a wonderful movie! Even thought I've never been homeless, I can relate to struggling and struggling to achieve your dreams. It gave me hope again that I can do anything that I put my mind too, and again, stirred my heart to be a fantastic doctor someday. Who cares if I won't finish my residency until I'm 36? That just means I'll have about 30 years to enjoy it until I retire.
I put up the artificial Christmas tree. I don't believe in real trees. Yes, I know they are raised specifically to die for America's consumption and end up in landfills, but I just can't do it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when I was a baby, I pulled on an ornament and our real tree came toppling over me and I got an eye infection from the needles. Thanks mom, for watching me.
Last year I had skipped the tree. I wasn't much in the mood for holiday festivities. As I put the ornaments on the tree, I reminisced about why I had bought them. There was the yorkshire terrier figurine I had bought because of Gracie. There was the grey cat I had bought in honor of Kristina, Dennis' cat. I remembered at the time how close Dennis and I were: like Will and Grace. We talk maybe three of four times a year now. I thought about our friendship and what it meant and still means to me. I thought about how so interesting people's enter and departure from our lives is so Universally perfect.
I looked at the tropical flip flops I bought in honor of my old roommate Jennifer. She loves everything and anything to do with Hawaii. She was my best friend from 4th grade until we graduated high school. Again, I thought about entering and departure. I thought about time and timing.
My St. Louis arch ornament. I had been there for three weeks on a business trip when I used to sell appliances at American. I thought about how unhappy I was on the inside then, and how back then I would have never guessed my life would be where it is now. I thought about that girl and if she would have had any clue she'd meet a Dragonfly and her whole life would change. I thought about if that girl even knew how to tune into a higher vibration and resonate there.
I looked at the glittering cardinal. I immediately looked for the disco balls. I had bought this combination of ornaments in honor of my love for the Cardinal Bar. Now the Cardinal has new meaning...the passage of time my family went through to get to Middleton and my Grandpa's Death. It's interesting how things can take on a new meaning in your life just because of the passage of time.
I decorated the tree as my favorite movie, "Breakfast at Tiffany's" played. What a perfect way to spend the afternoon.
I thought about my life now and then people in it, and the people I want in it more. I realized their significance, and I felt so blessed. I'll have to go out and make sure I find a mermaid ornament, an angel ornament and a dragon ornament. I'll have to make sure I find at least five dragonfly ones....
Our life experiences make us into who we are in the present. The people we have in our lives, and the ones we hold in our hearts shape us into who we are. I think I've turned out pretty good so far. As I clear out more and more "junk" from my heart, I feel more open to inspire others, to love others and to motivate others. I'm even getting to a point in my life when I can truly appreciate and love people, even if they decide they don't want to give anything back. I'm ok with that now. I just want to make a difference. At times, I question if I do...then I look around me and know I do. And I realize it doesn't really matter if I do or not. It just matters that I stay to true to who I am. When I don't, that's when things fall apart.
I think it's really important to have these kind of days. I realized I'm the happiest when I'm just staying present. It doesn't really matter what I'm doing, other than being right here, right now. Being present with my thoughts and memories and noticing rather than judging. Acting out of love instead of fear.
In five years, I wonder how I'll be decorating my tree. I know it won't be in Madison. In a way, that saddens me, but it a way it inspires me. Knowing I'm working my way to use my intuitive gifts in the medical field will be enough for me. Knowing that soon I'll have the knowledge and education to make a huge difference. To know I won't be one of the HMO doctors who sees a patient for six minutes and then prescribes three drugs for them will be my inspiration.
I hope I can add many more ornaments to my tree. I'll be 33 years old. I hope there will be ornaments about inside jokes with my friends. Ornaments about a great love. Ornaments from the past and present. I can't tell the future (well sometimes I THINK I can, and sometimes what I say does happen) so who knows what that is. What I do know is that without a dream, without people you love and without inner peace you don't have much of anything.
People need to take snow days. Without them, we just get lost in this rat race. We just keep going and going, never taking the time to really love, really feel and really be present. We feel obligated and lose our passion. We need a recharging of the soul every now and again. It's vital to existence.
I started my day with watching the Pursuit of Happyness. What a wonderful movie! Even thought I've never been homeless, I can relate to struggling and struggling to achieve your dreams. It gave me hope again that I can do anything that I put my mind too, and again, stirred my heart to be a fantastic doctor someday. Who cares if I won't finish my residency until I'm 36? That just means I'll have about 30 years to enjoy it until I retire.
I put up the artificial Christmas tree. I don't believe in real trees. Yes, I know they are raised specifically to die for America's consumption and end up in landfills, but I just can't do it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when I was a baby, I pulled on an ornament and our real tree came toppling over me and I got an eye infection from the needles. Thanks mom, for watching me.
Last year I had skipped the tree. I wasn't much in the mood for holiday festivities. As I put the ornaments on the tree, I reminisced about why I had bought them. There was the yorkshire terrier figurine I had bought because of Gracie. There was the grey cat I had bought in honor of Kristina, Dennis' cat. I remembered at the time how close Dennis and I were: like Will and Grace. We talk maybe three of four times a year now. I thought about our friendship and what it meant and still means to me. I thought about how so interesting people's enter and departure from our lives is so Universally perfect.
I looked at the tropical flip flops I bought in honor of my old roommate Jennifer. She loves everything and anything to do with Hawaii. She was my best friend from 4th grade until we graduated high school. Again, I thought about entering and departure. I thought about time and timing.
My St. Louis arch ornament. I had been there for three weeks on a business trip when I used to sell appliances at American. I thought about how unhappy I was on the inside then, and how back then I would have never guessed my life would be where it is now. I thought about that girl and if she would have had any clue she'd meet a Dragonfly and her whole life would change. I thought about if that girl even knew how to tune into a higher vibration and resonate there.
I looked at the glittering cardinal. I immediately looked for the disco balls. I had bought this combination of ornaments in honor of my love for the Cardinal Bar. Now the Cardinal has new meaning...the passage of time my family went through to get to Middleton and my Grandpa's Death. It's interesting how things can take on a new meaning in your life just because of the passage of time.
I decorated the tree as my favorite movie, "Breakfast at Tiffany's" played. What a perfect way to spend the afternoon.
I thought about my life now and then people in it, and the people I want in it more. I realized their significance, and I felt so blessed. I'll have to go out and make sure I find a mermaid ornament, an angel ornament and a dragon ornament. I'll have to make sure I find at least five dragonfly ones....
Our life experiences make us into who we are in the present. The people we have in our lives, and the ones we hold in our hearts shape us into who we are. I think I've turned out pretty good so far. As I clear out more and more "junk" from my heart, I feel more open to inspire others, to love others and to motivate others. I'm even getting to a point in my life when I can truly appreciate and love people, even if they decide they don't want to give anything back. I'm ok with that now. I just want to make a difference. At times, I question if I do...then I look around me and know I do. And I realize it doesn't really matter if I do or not. It just matters that I stay to true to who I am. When I don't, that's when things fall apart.
I think it's really important to have these kind of days. I realized I'm the happiest when I'm just staying present. It doesn't really matter what I'm doing, other than being right here, right now. Being present with my thoughts and memories and noticing rather than judging. Acting out of love instead of fear.
In five years, I wonder how I'll be decorating my tree. I know it won't be in Madison. In a way, that saddens me, but it a way it inspires me. Knowing I'm working my way to use my intuitive gifts in the medical field will be enough for me. Knowing that soon I'll have the knowledge and education to make a huge difference. To know I won't be one of the HMO doctors who sees a patient for six minutes and then prescribes three drugs for them will be my inspiration.
I hope I can add many more ornaments to my tree. I'll be 33 years old. I hope there will be ornaments about inside jokes with my friends. Ornaments about a great love. Ornaments from the past and present. I can't tell the future (well sometimes I THINK I can, and sometimes what I say does happen) so who knows what that is. What I do know is that without a dream, without people you love and without inner peace you don't have much of anything.
People need to take snow days. Without them, we just get lost in this rat race. We just keep going and going, never taking the time to really love, really feel and really be present. We feel obligated and lose our passion. We need a recharging of the soul every now and again. It's vital to existence.
Friday, December 5, 2008
UWW and "the cat"
Tonight I went to celebrate my brother Derrick's 21st birthday in Whitewater. I went into his disgusting apartment to get ready. UWW's slumlords have apartments that are in conditions ready for rats. It's awful. I was doing my make-up in the bathroom mirror, thinking about the woman I have become since my five and half years after graduating. I thought of the girl who lost her virginity in the building next to this apartment. I thought of the girl who spent hours getting ready to go out on a Thursday night. I thought of the girl who spent hours looking for her suicidal boyfriend in the freezing cold.
I looked in the mirror and saw a woman with pain and joy behind her wiser eyes. I was so glad to have left that girl behind in Whitewater. I was done with my makeup and Lance said something to me about a cat.
A cat? What? What cat?
Apparently their landlord had trapped a stray cat in a live trap cage downstairs. It had been there over a week with no food or water....imprisoned in the pitch dark in the cold.
WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTT???? WHERE IS IT??????
I immediately ran (Well more like crawled) down the falling apart staircase into this unbelievable basement out of a horror film...I wasn't even thinking...just acting. In the middle of the room was this beautiful black cat. I looked at it, and said, "you are perfect." I had the strangest spiritual connection with this cat. It was terrified and probably the first human contact it had had in a week.
We could figure out how to open the cage to give it water...I didn't want to touch it because the possiblility of disease is was probably high. We finally got it open and I gave her water. She pawed as to say, "Help me." This cat. This poor strange cat. I was so angry. How could anyone do this to an animal? How could FIVE people be living in this apartment and not think anything of it? Derrick claimed he just found it today, but WHYYYY would you not do something about it?
The landlord claimed the Humane Society was supossed to pick it up a week ago. What the hell???? Why wouldn't one of the tenants call him to say it hadn't been picked up? Why wouldn't the landlord check? How can you leave another living creature alone, in the dark, terrified, and starving?
I called the cops. They came over and said they would take her to the humane society. Then they decided no to in case the landlord had other plans...What the hell? So I said, can I call the humane society? They said sure. I left a message on the landlord's machine and told him what happened. Derrick said he'd check on the cat later and make sure she was picked up tomorrow. I'm going to follow up and call and make sure. Unbelievable.
In the past, I probably would have been way to scared of all the confrontation involved in this situation, but I just ran down those stairs. And when this cat looked at me, I just felt something inside of me that I haven't really felt before. Compassion, anger, sadness, care and love all rolled into one. And and on a small scale, I saved her. And I think of how many other beings there are out there that need help....I want to help...I'm not afraid anymore.
I feel sometimes a bit like Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's. She has this brilliant monolouge at the end of the movie about she and her cat not belonging anywhere. She wouldn't even name her cat because they didn't belong. I'm calling the humane society tomorrow and if the cat doesn't have any diseases and can be adopted, I'm taking her. I'm naming her Karma.
I looked in the mirror and saw a woman with pain and joy behind her wiser eyes. I was so glad to have left that girl behind in Whitewater. I was done with my makeup and Lance said something to me about a cat.
A cat? What? What cat?
Apparently their landlord had trapped a stray cat in a live trap cage downstairs. It had been there over a week with no food or water....imprisoned in the pitch dark in the cold.
WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTT???? WHERE IS IT??????
I immediately ran (Well more like crawled) down the falling apart staircase into this unbelievable basement out of a horror film...I wasn't even thinking...just acting. In the middle of the room was this beautiful black cat. I looked at it, and said, "you are perfect." I had the strangest spiritual connection with this cat. It was terrified and probably the first human contact it had had in a week.
We could figure out how to open the cage to give it water...I didn't want to touch it because the possiblility of disease is was probably high. We finally got it open and I gave her water. She pawed as to say, "Help me." This cat. This poor strange cat. I was so angry. How could anyone do this to an animal? How could FIVE people be living in this apartment and not think anything of it? Derrick claimed he just found it today, but WHYYYY would you not do something about it?
The landlord claimed the Humane Society was supossed to pick it up a week ago. What the hell???? Why wouldn't one of the tenants call him to say it hadn't been picked up? Why wouldn't the landlord check? How can you leave another living creature alone, in the dark, terrified, and starving?
I called the cops. They came over and said they would take her to the humane society. Then they decided no to in case the landlord had other plans...What the hell? So I said, can I call the humane society? They said sure. I left a message on the landlord's machine and told him what happened. Derrick said he'd check on the cat later and make sure she was picked up tomorrow. I'm going to follow up and call and make sure. Unbelievable.
In the past, I probably would have been way to scared of all the confrontation involved in this situation, but I just ran down those stairs. And when this cat looked at me, I just felt something inside of me that I haven't really felt before. Compassion, anger, sadness, care and love all rolled into one. And and on a small scale, I saved her. And I think of how many other beings there are out there that need help....I want to help...I'm not afraid anymore.
I feel sometimes a bit like Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's. She has this brilliant monolouge at the end of the movie about she and her cat not belonging anywhere. She wouldn't even name her cat because they didn't belong. I'm calling the humane society tomorrow and if the cat doesn't have any diseases and can be adopted, I'm taking her. I'm naming her Karma.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Excuse me while I re-program my brain....
For the past oh, probably two and a half years now, I've been on the road to self-discovery and personal growth and awareness. I've laughed, I've cried, I've thrown things and I've felt so many things. I had a breakthrough the other day, and it has nothing to do with spirituality.
FACT: (I've been watching wayyy too much of the office lately) I've been trying to make myself happy by fixing every external circumstance that I knew how. I understood the concept that you have to "change" what's on the inside for that to reflect in your outer world, but I didn't truly know how to practice it or apply it to my mind. I tried meditating, I tried praying, I tried dieting, I tried exercise...nothing was making a lasting difference that lasted long. Sure, I'd have breakthroughs and inspirations, but then I'd eventually fall back into my old ways of being. In these moments of inspiration I'd run around like a crazy woman trying to convince everyone I loved that this was the way to be, because I was so elated. When I find something that works, I want to share it with everyone.
But then I would fall back into this weird space of self-doubt, anxiety, and uncomfortability. Whyyyy would I keep doing this? Because that's how I have allowed my brain to be programmed.
Dr. Rob gave me this book to read that a lot of chiropractors read to clear out their own personal junk to build a successful practice. I started reading it and I was blown away. It was all the stuff I had read about in spiritual books and things of that nature, but the difference was that this was all science based. When you talk about right and left brain activity and the way the subconscious mind works, you literally program and re-program yourself. It's like you are a little computer and you can program your reality.
For example, Say you were in a relationship that broke your heart. Subconsciously, you are telling yourself that you have a broken heart. Your left brain is going to deliver you situations that break your heart until you have re-programmed yourself to be open and receptive to love. It's all based on your perception. So, if you meet someone wonderful and open to love and you are subconsciously putting out there that you are broken, what do you think will happen? Since your command center has experienced that "high" of love before and then got hurt, your autonomic system will say to you, "this is how it happened before, you know no other way of being, you will get hurt." It has NOTHING to do with anything but how you have programmed yourself into being.
I have realized that my brain has been programmed by many external forces, like many of us. Our parents, teachers, experiences, etc program us to be how we are today. But we CAN change it. It just takes practice and dedication...and it's proven. Maybe this isn't all a spiritual experience after all...maybe it's just what is. Maybe it's just how the human mind works....but my question is...where does it all come from? If we are all part of a big bang or something created us, then wouldn't we all be interconnected anyway? We'd have the same molecular formations and energy inside of us?
I've realized that I've allowed myself to be programmed so much, mostly by my parents. But what they say and think just isn't TRUE! But I believe it. Take a moment and think of all the times someone has said something about you and you've taken it to be true....
It's like I've been an actor these past few years, trying to find somewhere that I fit and belong....because that's what I believe about myself. That I don't belong, and boy does my left brain find me evidence for that. So, the answer is not going around trying to find someone to love me, or something to belong to, it's actually about going with-in and re-training my brain to believe I belong. The mind doesn't know the difference between something real and something vividly imagined. I feel this is why some people can lose their mind...which brings me to my next point....
Since working at Pro-Health I've just had a ridiculous amount of coincidences....the other day, Dr. Rob and I were talking about parallel universes. Now, mind you, this is coming from a man who has more science and medical training that your family physician probably does. We were talking about it and then that night, I went to a friends house and there was a show on about it. Then I went to my parents house last night and my sister tells me she and Sonny were talking about it at that same time. WTF? How does this happen? It's wayyyy to coincidental...and then I thought...well, wouldn't I just be bringing that experience to me because that's what I'm focused on? If we can truly reprogram our minds, we are capable of unbelievable possibilities. Anway, Dr. Rob thinks that you might be able to subconsciously experience a parallel universe and yeah, that can make someone lose their mind. It's cool to think about.... I'm not sure what I think about it yet, but there are some very good evidence based cases out there.
Anyway, I think it's amazing. I feel like I have this missing peice of the pie. You create your own reality by what you believe about yourself and your environment. It's really all about the internal networking and programming we have. You can't make a mac run windows without the proper software...so how could you expect someone who doesn't know that they don't know to do what's out of their perspective? They need a software update.
It's easy to see why actors become their characters....when the brain doesn't know the difference between a vivid imagination and real life, it gets confused? So...is that why Brad Pitt takes off with Angelina Jolie? Is it why Heath Ledger went nuts?? Could be, might not be...but interesting to think about. Do people that spend that much time in another character have any idea of what is them and what is the character? Maybe that's why some people are so great at it...they never spend time being themselves. Is that why Britney Spears went crazy? How can you separate that in the brain?
I've been acting like a victim, like the light got sucked out of me. Like life isn't fair. That's what my parents taught me. Well, no more. I understand the science behind this and I'm determined to do the work so that I catch myself every time I fall and I replace the old way of thinking with new affirmations. It can be taught. It can be done. Who knows, I might already have done this on a parallel universe! ;)But you know, if you can get out of your left brain....why is it that we have this spark and connection and things we can't explain about how we connect with others? Are we living a different life on a different plane and the only thing keeping us unaware of it is our brain? Or is it Divine Intervention? Or Batman?
I think what will make me an excellent doctor in about 6 years is that I will help create possibilities for my patients that they haven't even thought of yet.
FACT: (I've been watching wayyy too much of the office lately) I've been trying to make myself happy by fixing every external circumstance that I knew how. I understood the concept that you have to "change" what's on the inside for that to reflect in your outer world, but I didn't truly know how to practice it or apply it to my mind. I tried meditating, I tried praying, I tried dieting, I tried exercise...nothing was making a lasting difference that lasted long. Sure, I'd have breakthroughs and inspirations, but then I'd eventually fall back into my old ways of being. In these moments of inspiration I'd run around like a crazy woman trying to convince everyone I loved that this was the way to be, because I was so elated. When I find something that works, I want to share it with everyone.
But then I would fall back into this weird space of self-doubt, anxiety, and uncomfortability. Whyyyy would I keep doing this? Because that's how I have allowed my brain to be programmed.
Dr. Rob gave me this book to read that a lot of chiropractors read to clear out their own personal junk to build a successful practice. I started reading it and I was blown away. It was all the stuff I had read about in spiritual books and things of that nature, but the difference was that this was all science based. When you talk about right and left brain activity and the way the subconscious mind works, you literally program and re-program yourself. It's like you are a little computer and you can program your reality.
For example, Say you were in a relationship that broke your heart. Subconsciously, you are telling yourself that you have a broken heart. Your left brain is going to deliver you situations that break your heart until you have re-programmed yourself to be open and receptive to love. It's all based on your perception. So, if you meet someone wonderful and open to love and you are subconsciously putting out there that you are broken, what do you think will happen? Since your command center has experienced that "high" of love before and then got hurt, your autonomic system will say to you, "this is how it happened before, you know no other way of being, you will get hurt." It has NOTHING to do with anything but how you have programmed yourself into being.
I have realized that my brain has been programmed by many external forces, like many of us. Our parents, teachers, experiences, etc program us to be how we are today. But we CAN change it. It just takes practice and dedication...and it's proven. Maybe this isn't all a spiritual experience after all...maybe it's just what is. Maybe it's just how the human mind works....but my question is...where does it all come from? If we are all part of a big bang or something created us, then wouldn't we all be interconnected anyway? We'd have the same molecular formations and energy inside of us?
I've realized that I've allowed myself to be programmed so much, mostly by my parents. But what they say and think just isn't TRUE! But I believe it. Take a moment and think of all the times someone has said something about you and you've taken it to be true....
It's like I've been an actor these past few years, trying to find somewhere that I fit and belong....because that's what I believe about myself. That I don't belong, and boy does my left brain find me evidence for that. So, the answer is not going around trying to find someone to love me, or something to belong to, it's actually about going with-in and re-training my brain to believe I belong. The mind doesn't know the difference between something real and something vividly imagined. I feel this is why some people can lose their mind...which brings me to my next point....
Since working at Pro-Health I've just had a ridiculous amount of coincidences....the other day, Dr. Rob and I were talking about parallel universes. Now, mind you, this is coming from a man who has more science and medical training that your family physician probably does. We were talking about it and then that night, I went to a friends house and there was a show on about it. Then I went to my parents house last night and my sister tells me she and Sonny were talking about it at that same time. WTF? How does this happen? It's wayyyy to coincidental...and then I thought...well, wouldn't I just be bringing that experience to me because that's what I'm focused on? If we can truly reprogram our minds, we are capable of unbelievable possibilities. Anway, Dr. Rob thinks that you might be able to subconsciously experience a parallel universe and yeah, that can make someone lose their mind. It's cool to think about.... I'm not sure what I think about it yet, but there are some very good evidence based cases out there.
Anyway, I think it's amazing. I feel like I have this missing peice of the pie. You create your own reality by what you believe about yourself and your environment. It's really all about the internal networking and programming we have. You can't make a mac run windows without the proper software...so how could you expect someone who doesn't know that they don't know to do what's out of their perspective? They need a software update.
It's easy to see why actors become their characters....when the brain doesn't know the difference between a vivid imagination and real life, it gets confused? So...is that why Brad Pitt takes off with Angelina Jolie? Is it why Heath Ledger went nuts?? Could be, might not be...but interesting to think about. Do people that spend that much time in another character have any idea of what is them and what is the character? Maybe that's why some people are so great at it...they never spend time being themselves. Is that why Britney Spears went crazy? How can you separate that in the brain?
I've been acting like a victim, like the light got sucked out of me. Like life isn't fair. That's what my parents taught me. Well, no more. I understand the science behind this and I'm determined to do the work so that I catch myself every time I fall and I replace the old way of thinking with new affirmations. It can be taught. It can be done. Who knows, I might already have done this on a parallel universe! ;)But you know, if you can get out of your left brain....why is it that we have this spark and connection and things we can't explain about how we connect with others? Are we living a different life on a different plane and the only thing keeping us unaware of it is our brain? Or is it Divine Intervention? Or Batman?
I think what will make me an excellent doctor in about 6 years is that I will help create possibilities for my patients that they haven't even thought of yet.
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