Rejection

When great love is rejected, something inside of you dies. You hope to meet someone that you will at least love second best, or maybe, just maybe the Universe has something planned for you that could have never worked with that person still in your life.

Either way, when someone makes you feel less than you are worth, it's time to move on. Everyone has such great worth, it's a shame when it's not valued.

It's the most messed up karmic balance and it hurts until you think there are no tears left. It will keep hurting until they are no longer worth your tears. And there is no band aid that'll help with that.

It's a shame when you keep chasing something that is unavailable to you all along. It makes you wonder if you are available to yourself. The risk is so much less that way, to chase the unavailable. When someone really wants and loves you, it's the most terrifying thing in the world. There's nothing to hide behind, but then again, you shouldn't want to hide.

I will get up, I will keep going, but something inside of me has died. Or maybe something inside of me has finally been set free. Either way, I know I'll still miss him every step of the way. That's not something that will ever go away.

Could Have Been...

The flowers you gave me
are just about to die
when I think about
what could've been
it makes me want to cry

The sweet words you whispered
didn't mean a thing
I guess our song is over
as we begin to sing

Chorus:
Could've been so beautiful
could've been so right
could've been my lover
every day of my life
could've been so beautiful
could've been so right
I'll never KNOW what could've been
on a cold and lonely night

The memories of our lovin'
still linger in the air
like the faded scent of your roses
stay with me everywhere

Every time I get my hopes up
they always seem to fall
still what could've been is better than
what could never be at all.. at all

Could've been so beautiful
could've been so right
could've been my lover
every day of my life
could've been so beautiful
could've been so right
You can hold what could've been
on a cold and lonely night

could’ve been so beautiful
Could’ve been so right
You can hold what could’ve been
on a cold and lonely night

How can you hold what could’ve been
on a cold and lonely night

A really good day

Last night I came home from rehearsal and had flowers waiting for me from a good friend of mine. He dropped them off, one bouquet for me, one for Sarah. He is so sweet. He told us we deserved to wake up to flowers. She does, but sometimes I wonder if I do. It gave me hope.

Today at work, I was really surprised by another flower delivery. These came from another friend of mine. I felt overwhelmed, and I felt loved. It made me want to do good things for other people. It made me so happy to know someone cared about me. Sometimes people just really need to be reminded that they are thought about. Sometimes we just get so caught up in our own world.

So I go from being totally crabby over VD, to feeling appreciation for the amazing friends I have in my life. I have these guys to thank.

I wondered why I felt so different. Nothing had really changed about me. I was still the same girl. But now I really mattered, and it troubles me that I didn't necessarily think I did before. I hate that this keeps coming up, but it's a reminder to sit with it.

Looking at my flowers today made work so much nicer. I felt shiny and new.

I ordered dinner for myself tonight and watched Grey's Anatomy. It was a perfect end to the day. Doing something I enjoy and taking care of myself. So many people tell me they just don't get why I don't have a boyfriend, but I get it. It's because I have more sitting to do, more time with me, more meditation to do. That way, by healing these things that trigger so much when somebody shows me they care can be put behind me, and I will have an open heart. And if it comes up before this is accomplished, I know I will choose someone that will understand and have compassion for this part of me, and I will understand and have compassion for any parts of him.

Time to listen to my meditation cd. I'm going back to the start. I hope these guys know how much I love them. Even when I don't know what to say. Even when I'm in my dark parts that I'm working through, they are still there. I'll be there for them too. That's what this whole love things is. It's loving people the best you know how, even when you are broken and working to be whole again. I've learned today that people will love you the best they know how, and it doesn't matter what that looks like. It's authentic and it's beautiful.

It's been a year....

Dear Grandpa,

I can't believe that it's already been a year since you died. It still seems like you are on an extended vacation somewhere amazing and will come back with gifts and great stories for all of us. I wonder what you are doing on the Other Side, if it even exists. I'd imagine you are making sure Brian and TJ stay in line and out of my shower and spending a lot of time playing golf. Please tell Niki hello.

The day you died I was in the middle of training at my new job. I checked my phone at lunch and had 17 missed calls. I just knew. I was glad I got to see you a few nights before at Britter's flashlight dance. The Coldplay song brought tears to my eyes, "Lights will guide you home." That song has come to be important to me this year. When I hear it, I always remember you. "When you lose something you cannot replace..."

We all gathered at Grandma's house. It was so weird that it wasn't your house anymore. Your watch and coat were still on the desk, it seemed like it wasn't real. It couldn't be real. Grandma told me that you thought I was really something else. That you really thought a lot of me. I really thought a lot of you too. I guess I never really told you that. I'm sorry.

Your funeral was pretty surreal. I sang for you. It was the hardest song I've ever sang. I think it was then that I realized I'd never see you again. Looking at your body made me get over my fear of dead bodies. They don't scare me anymore. I just don't want a dead body to be anyone else that I know. It's too hard.

The day before you died, this amazing guy came over to my house. He kissed me and we were seeing crazy patterns in my room. He's really great, you'd like him a lot. He took care of me when you died too. He came over and helped me sleep when I really needed too. It didn't work out with us, but it's ok. I guess he just, well he just wasn't something. We're still friends, some days better than others. He teases me all the time, but it's fun. I felt cheated and that it was unfair that I'd be shown a time like that, a person like that, to have it fall apart. You always told me these things happen for a reason. Right? I know there is someone out there who will want me, the timing just isn't right or something. Maybe you already have an idea of who it is? I always say, when it's been a year, that something can finally be over. So maybe that memory will be over now. There's been a few guys I've been out with, but nobody compares. Nobody even comes close. Life doesn't give you time to be sad. You just have to keep moving.

I also have a new roommate. You'd tell her she's full of piss and vinegar as you always said. I'm still not really sure what that means, but I think she'd think it's hilarious. She's like my soul mate. We do the craziest things together. I know you would just love her, I'd probably bring her to holidays if you were still around. She's the best thing that's probably ever happened to me. She even took me to her Grandparent's house. Her Grandpa reminds me so much of you!!! It was such a comfort to be around them, just like the days of hanging out with you and Grandma. I hope she stays forever. You always told me if I had one good friend, I'd be ok. So I'm ok.

You know the two blondes that were at your funeral? We don't really talk anymore. We kind of knew that we'd all go our seperate ways for awhile. It makes me sad. Thinking of how close the three of us were when you died, to what is true now. It blows my mind, I could not be sadder about it. I think I'm too attached to people. They mean to much to me. It makes me want to call them. That' s how friendships fall apart. People mean too much to each other, then there comes a point where neither know what to say. And nothing is said. Nothing happens. Then one day, you just aren't a part of each other anymore.

I met some other great people this year. My friends Jess and Ray. They make me smile. I'm happy just to be around them. They are good stuff. Really good stuff.

I started massage school this year. I'm in love with it. Michaela owns the school. She's the most amazing woman I've ever met. If I can be half the woman she is someday, I will consider myself successful. My classmates are just amazing. We are a soul group for sure. We all just, I don't know, I can't explain it. They are my reason for getting up in the morning sometimes. Everyone just adds something to it. I've met someone who is going to teach me how to help mold victims. You always freaked out about mold and it's damaging effects on people. People all over the world contact her and her father for testing and help. I'll be able to help these people some day. I met a man who makes me laugh ever single moment. I find so much comfort in him. He does tons of plays, you'd love to see them. I wanted to take Grandma to some, but she's in Florida right now.

I know you weren't thrilled that I wanted to be a massage therapist, but I really love it. In fact, it's made me want to be a doctor. A naturopathic one. I can already hear you saying, "what the hell is that?" but I will help people. Help people like you who had cancer and no chance. Help them be more comfortable, maybe even create miracles. Someday, I'll be a doctor. It'll take awhile, but it is my dream. I hope you're proud of me. I think you'll be happy that two of your grand daughters will be doctors.

I'm in a show now, Guys and Dolls. It's going ok. I don't know, I think I'm losing my passion for theater, and I'm ok with it. Other things are becoming more important to me. I like the girls I'm in the show with. I wish you could see it. You'd really like it. I know how much you liked coming to my shows and concerts. I'll really miss seeing you there. It's those times. Those times when you are supposed to be there, and you're not. That's what really hurts the most.

I'm trying to reach out to Dad. He's taken everything so hard, he's falling apart. I'm trying to take care of Britters. Maybe you could help. I don't know if I'm doing anything right. I'm just doing the best I can.

I miss you a lot. Especially when I'm in Oregon. I used to come and surprise you at the office, but you aren't there anymore. Sometimes I forget. I still think you're on vacation.

This year has been the best and worst year ever. So many ups and downs. I think about you a lot, probably almost everyday. I wonder if you'd be proud of me, I wonder if you'd be upset that I'm crying. You always told me to stop crying and smile. You and Niki must get along very well.

I just wanted to write you and let you know how the past year has been. Maryanne is having a baby boy!!! Stacy and Matt are moving to Wausau and Lauren is over a year old now!!!

I hope all is well with you. I'd like to hear from you soon. I talk to everyone else's dead relatives...why not you? That was really cool when you showed up in my session with Michaela. Thanks!

Tell TJ and Brian to take it easy and give Niki a hug for me.

I love you and miss you every day,

Love
Jess

Feb 11, 2008

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

But what if who you need, isn't there? The person you need the most doesn't need you. It's the bitter irony of finally allowing yourself to open up, but it just isn't there anymore. You breathe. You listen. You hear within yourself what it is really about. You hold your head high and smile, and try not to show the world you are dying inside. We crawl into our cocoons and find what is comfortable for us, never allowing ourselves to step into the sun.

This too shall pass. Rejection brings on the most difficult human emotions. It is there, and it is being triggered. But is it worth it? Is it worth it to keep putting yourself out there? I wonder if anyone will stay sometimes. Valentine's Day will be another reminder that not one guy in this world thinks I'm worthy of affection and flowers. It will be shoved into my face all day. I suppose that is one way to look at it-another being a feeling of hope that one day I will have that too. It usually doesn't matter, but tonight, I just need to be held. That isn't happening. So you try and remind yourself of the inner connecting of the world, and be with it.

I have to wonder what my lesson is in all of this. Surrendering to uncertainty can be so uncomfortable, but it's the only way to be free.

I miss you Grandpa Russell. You'd always say the right thing. I wish I could hear you now. It's hard to find people who will love you no matter what.

Thank you

Thank you for today, my beautiful Dragonfly. It would only make sense, that my mom and I would start to heal on the anniversary of your death.

It hasn't been easy, but I know you'll help me see it through.

I'm naming my dream after you.

We're all connected

I had a dream a few weeks ago that a friend of mine was pregnant with a baby girl named Kelsey Jo. This person used to be a very close friend of mine. In fact, she and her brother used to hang out with my brother and I and we called ourselves the "Fab Four." The summer of 1998 there wasn't one day we didn't hang out, except for when their family went on vacation to Michigan for a week.

I remember those times really fondly. Before I became close with Bekah and Ben, it was my senior year of high school and I decided I wanted to go to college in Green Bay to just get away from home. Then I met these great friends and I didn't want to leave. Green Bay was miserable, but that's a whole other story.

Anyway, I was telling my roommate that I had this dream about Bekah. I haven't talked to Bekah for over a year. It makes me sad sometimes to think of how close we used to be, and I know I have this fear of losing people, but I know people will follow their journeys and you have to let go. Bekah called me out the blue the other day. Turns out, she's pregnant. It should be interesting to see if this is a little girl and what they name the baby. I just love that no matter where we are in life, out of time, we're still connected.

For you

It's coming up on four years that you left this world and entered another. I think of you often, wondering what you'd be up to in life now. I know whatever it would be, you'd have a smile on your face and love in your heart.

I decided this year to be committed to being authentic in everything I do. Thank you for guiding me and supporting this. I know you work behind the scenes every day, and thank you for bringing the people and situations into my life that needed to be there for this to occur. I know you had a hand in it, and I know you love them too.

I promise to keep honestly on my path, to do the best I can and be mindful and present. Sometimes I feel guilty, because I have the chance to do so many things here, and you are gone. You would have changed the world. I've realized I don't need to change the world, but just be and it magically falls into place.

I live for you, I live for me. I live for those who fear and those who love. For those who are afraid of ever expressing love because they will be hurt, and for those who would give anything to have one more moment and have passed on and will never have that chance. I live to follow my path that I have laid out for myself in this life time and I live for those whose lives I will touch. I will continue to say how I feel, with no time wasted. I recognize the brevity of life and how fast it can all be taken away by a patch of ice on the road. It's not fair.

It doesn't matter anymore if the love if reciprocated from another. It just matters that there is love there and I will give it freely to those in need and those who don't think they need it.

I think about my grandpa, who you must know pretty well. He got up early every morning, worked really hard and never missed a grandchild's event. It's almost been a year since I checked my phone at lunch and had 17 missed calls. I just knew. I live for him, knowing he'd give anything to be able to express to those he loved before he passed. But he died alone.

I live, because I can.