Jess's Magical Bookshelf

I’m addicted to bookstores. It’s probably a really unhealthy addiction because I buy a lot of books and never read them. They look really good, but then I just don’t find the time to sit down with them. However, I have made a magical discovery.

I have all these awesome books, and I know exactly when I need to pick it up and read it. The synchronicity is profoundly amazing. (hahahaha…why is that still so funny?)

The magical bookshelf works for others too. My roommate has found the perfect inspirations that she needed at that exact moment. I like having magical furniture in my condo.

Last night I was browsing through my choices and this book was shouting “READ ME!! READ MEEEE!” It’s called Spirit Centered Relationships by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. It’s blowing my mind, because it’s all about being present in the moment with your feelings and how people do so many things to keep themselves busy so that they don’t have to feel anything. I have done this for so long, and I’m finally at the point where I can really be present with what I am feeling and not be judge or try to fix it. It’s so amazing what you can find inside of yourself if you are willing and ready to look.

The book is about being centered in yourself and how to create that in a relationship. Good stuff. That’s exactly what I will find.

In my Inbox today

When you are impatient, you are trying to take control. Controlling is not the same as leading. Leaders lead by inspiration. Bossing people is like changing an artist's painting. It is like going to the museum with a brush and paint box and changing a painting that you would prefer to be another way. You want to make it different from it is. You want to change the artist's perception to your own. Paint your own paintings. Make them the way you want. You may find that you too fall short of your vision. Why is it so important that things be the way you like?

When you are impatient, you take too much upon yourself. When you try to control, you try to take over. When you try to control, you are showing your displeasure. Reap pleasure instead.
Learn acceptance, beloveds. That does not mean to be passive. It just means not to try to rule. Well, rule yourself, beloveds, if you must, but not others.
You are not in charge of the universe. Certainly you influence it. The universe is a product of your thought, yet, still, you are not to foster impatience with it. When you play in the orchestra, you play in the orchestra. You do not get up, shove the conductor out of the way, and wave the baton. You wouldn't do that. That would be too impertinent, and yet you would whip the universe and your environs into shape. You would censor the words from your friends' mouths. You would supervise everything within reach. Who appointed you supervisor of the world?
Do not even supervise yourself, beloveds, for then you are your own pain in the neck. Supervising, second-guessing, and all those other faultfinding habits are not the same as living life. Living life is spontaneous. Faultfinding comes from long practice. Will you now live life as a novice? You really are not an expert in life. No one is. You agree that no one knows everything. Why do you sometimes think you do? Who appointed you? Who told you to mind everyone else's business? Who proclaimed you the expert in even one thing let alone everything?
Try taking a back seat. You are not the driver of every car. Let's face it, beloveds, you are a passenger in life. Sometimes you may be the driver of the bus. Most of the time, you just go along for the ride. This is the ride of your life that you are on. You do not take the food off someone else's plate. You do not hand-feed anyone. Everyone has to be left to his or her own devices. Hands off your self-elected directorship. Hands off interference. That's what control is - interference. It is not for you to interfere in anyone's life. You may think you are taking responsibility, yet your responsibility is to let go. Beloveds, you cannot have your finger in every pie.

When you are impatient, when you feel you have to take over, take a deep breath instead. Tension makes you haughty. Let go of your tension, and you will be more amenable to life.
Seek simplicity rather than control. Seek ease rather than impatience. Choose the servants who best serve you. Send control and impatience out the door. They have been great restraints on you. They have blocked your path. You got caught up in them, and so you tripped yourself.
You don't need control, and you don't have it. Let's be realistic, dear ones. You have thought you were a very practical person, and yet a need to control and its accompanying impatience are quite impractical. They haven't worked yet, have they?

In the Flow

As the ever mounting pressure that I create for myself shattered, I realized that I am finally in the flow. I feel free, I feel alive and I feel peace.

Sometimes I create these extreme situations for myself, such as committing all my free time to a musical when I have work and school. I physically and emotionally wore myself out. It wasn't worth it at all. I realized what my limits were and I know now what I can and cannot do.

Lately, life has really just been flowing and events have been very serendipitous. I don't feel like I'm fighting against myself not to feel, or fighting against what the Universe wants for me.

As I was studying for my Anatomy final this Friday, I had a moment of awe. I felt connected and at peace, thinking to myself that this is what I'm meant to do. I love learning and humanism and the Consciousness and everything about the body and soul. I have a natural gift and brain for this work and putting pieces of the puzzle together. It just works. One belief could never cover it all. I'm not struggling, I'm not emotionally distraught, it just is. It's so awesome.

I'm buzzing with peace and love and enjoyment for life. It is so great to be in this space. I know that with good comes bad, but I've realized I'm very capable of just feeling and allowing, and those spaces of distraught evaporate very quickly when you are centered and allowing and surrendering. It's good stuff.

Dixie Der Der's Advice for the Heart (when it hurts on the inside part of it )

1. Music. Music heals the soul. Sing it, play it, dance to it. It'll help to clear the illusion of what you think hurts so much (what you focus on to not deal with yourself) and gets you to the core issue. You just have to pay attention and don't push it away when it comes up. I strongly suggest Coldplay, Kelly Clarkson, Maroon 5, Evanescense, Carina Round, Mariah Carey and the soundtrack for Rent.

2. Friends. Go out, do something. It feels good to gain a new perspective and get some fresh air. It'll make you remember why you love being alive and present. It'll help you to know that even in difficult times, not every person in the world is a jerk.

3. Sit. Meditate, see what comes up. Ask for Divine Healing and Intervention. It'll happen. Remember that this is your ego that is in pain. The ego thinks it wants and it needs and it'll never have. But it's not real. It's not an expression of your true self. There is never anything that you can get from another person. It's always inside of you. If you don't believe this and keep trying to hurt others and go where you aren't supposed to be, you are very committed to your ego. I know that I am very committed to mine, and want to break free.

4. Remove yourself from the situation. It's much easier to focus on what needs attention when you aren't in the middle of unnecessary drama and upset. The ego loves it. The ego loves drama and negativity and need and fear so much that it creates this awful world around it. This is not you, even though it seems like it.

5. Promise yourself that you'll never let another take away your worth or make you feel this way again. Each heartbreak is a step in the direction of healing yourself. It will trigger your insecurities and self worth and self esteem. When you look to someone else to fill you, or think you'll only be happy when they are in love you, you have some pretty serious issues to heal. I've been stuck in this pattern for so long now. It's nice to finally see some light.

6. Remember that the only thing you really have is you. It's up to you to decorate your soul and see the world as bright and shiny. Sometimes the closer we get to this truth, the more your outside world will fall apart. Things needs to fall apart. If things fall apart and you don't get it the first time, they will fall apart again and again.

7. All of humankind has been experiencing these emotions since the beginning of time. You aren't alone in this, and you might find compassion in the strangest places.

8. Cheesecake, the Gilmore Girls, Sex and the City, Arrested Development and good friends will carry you when you feel like the world is over. Yeah, it's a quick fix, but sometimes a quick fix is just what the doctor ordered.

9. Be patient with yourself. Read some good books. Smile at someone. Spread joy and magic to someone's life. Spend time alone. Really let yourself cry and feel.

10. Remember you are uniquely you. You are a gift to the world. When someone makes you believe otherwise, let them go. You're doing both of you a favor. Smile...because you never know who's already falling in love with it.

~People change, it's just what happens. Nobody said it was easy. I'm going back to the start~

~You never know what's going to happen. Experience the Now. Things need to Heal.~

If they come back again, on dragonflies' wings, you'll know. Otherwise let them go, let them fly and see the beauty that they are.

Perfect Timing

This was in my inbox today:

We don't stay in this level; we go through it. We don't become a major catastrophe to ourselves when, for example, we have a fever of 101. We watch it to see what it's telling us. Sometimes it's burning out a disease in the body. Sometimes the heat of the body is destroying an unwanted virus or something like that. So don't be too anxious to change something. Watch it to see what it is telling you. You don't have to push your panic button and man the lifeboats at the first little sign of something. You just observe it.- John-Roger

Here Comes The Shoooooook Monster

At school, we have this expression called "shoooook." It's a long story, but basically has to do with people have stuck energy or muscle spasms and their body will jerk. We make light of it, because, well, it's funny and intense all at once. So whenever something is coming up or is intense, we'll say, "It's a shoooooker."

My shoulders are shooooking. I mean, they are freaking hardcore shoooking. This has been occurring pretty much since the start of school, and energetically has been unraveling as I work through my junk. It parallels physically and emotionally what is happening in my life. Last week, I felt a twisted column of something that was "stuck" let go from my root to my throat. I could literally feel it unravel. I guess I was ready to experience the feelings that I had buried behind it. It's so interesting what our bodies do to "protect" us from something we don't want to experience because our minds think it's too painful. But this is what keeps us stuck in patterns and what drives us emotionally to attract certain things into our lives.

Now I'm twisted left to right. My shoulders keep spasming. The muscles will spasm and I also can feel, when it starts to unwind, my shoulder will jerk the other way to prevent that from happening. It's like my body is holding me prisoner or something. What is interesting to me, is that I'm breaking out all over my shoulders, which has never happened in my life either. I must not be ready for this part yet, but it's pretty annoying having a shoooooking shoulder. I guess I just have to be patient with myself.

I had an intense series of dreams last night. The first started with going out to dinner with co workers, but I didn't end up going and stayed at my "house" with Lance. It was the house that my grandparents used to live in, and then my family lived in. Since my grandpa died, I have had so many dreams that take place there. I feel like it's a "meeting place" or something of that sort, because I've never had dreams that take place there before he died. Anyway, Lance and I were watching a movie lying on a mattress on the floor. Then my mom came in and took the mattress away, ruining the movie. I went to find something to eat and couldn't find anything vegetarian in the fridge. Then suddenly this random lady called on the phone, screaming at me that she needed my garage door opener because it was her home. I told her over and over it was my home and she wasn't getting the opener from me. She told me she was going to call the manufacturer and get the code to open it and that I better watch out.

I was invited to a baby shower for Marty Saybrook, who is a fictional soap opera character. I went back to Brooklyn, WI where I spend most of my early childhood to get her a present. I was riding a scooter. It was one of those scooters where you pedal with one foot and ride it for awhile, then pedal again, not a motorized one. I realized it was getting late and I needed to get back to Oregon. It's about an 8 mile trek on country roads. I looked at the invite and the party started at 8:00 and my cell phone said it was already 8:02. I realized I wouldn't be able to make it, and it was dark and I was getting scared. I was riding the scooter in the dark in the country and a guy passed me on his bike. I got prepared for the worst and was scared he'd hurt me. He just passed me and said he needed to get some air. I continued on my way and another guy wearing an orange shirt was jogging. I again got ready for an attack. He jogged past me and I kept going. I was then grabbed from behind and the man took the scooter and beat me with it. Just as he was ready to make the final blow to my head to kill me, I woke up. I tried to scream in the dream, but no sound came out.

I sat up straight in bed. It was one of those fearful moments where you don't know if it really happened. But I was alive and breathing. I sat there terrified, wishing somebody was with me. It hit me then that all this stuff, all this nightmarish stuff that's been occuring is mine, and mine alone to deal with. It's no coincidence that the people and things that I've taken the most comfort in are not in my life right now. It's so interesting because this is all happening for a big reason. It's part of the transformation, for me and probably for him too. It sucks, but it is what it is. I have to do this on my own.

I can't even believe the recent events and especially Dan coming back in to my life. But it's happening for a reason, and I know a big part of it is to help heal all these things that make me attract what I do into my life. It's scary and is sucks, but it's so necessary. It's all part of this bigger picture that we don't get to know. I hate the unknown, but I have to surrender to it.

I'm appreciative for having these things triggered so they can heal. It would be impossible to have compassion for mankind unless you've experienced suffering yourself. People have been dealing with these feelings for all time. In time, out of time. It's just a little speck in the greatness and unity that we all are. I'm so committed to my ego, I can't wait to break free. It's a process and we meet so many along the way on our path. If the paths cross again, when things are healed, what a blessing that is. We can't fix anything for anyone but ourselves. I wish the lesson I needed to learn wasn't so damn dramatic, but it's calming down, and I'm alright.

Goodbye Love

Let it Be

All you need is love

Across the Universe

This movie helped to remind me that everything is all part of something bigger. People fight, people hurt each other. Things get out of control and you just let it be. But underneath it all, all you need is love. Love is all you need.

So I guess I'll just....

It's so interesting...men. Their feelings, their actions, everything. Today, almost five years after dating someone in the most serious relationship in my life, he tells me the truth. Why must someone wait almost five years to tell you something that would have changed everything?

I don't know how to feel. Whether to be angry, upset, relieved, sad....there's been so many emotions lately in my life that I don't ever recognize myself anymore. I guess I'll just be. That's all you can do. Just be.

This too shall pass, right? These things happen for reasons we might not ever know. If things would have worked out with us, and I think they would have if he would have told me the truth at the time, I probably wouldn't know most of the people in my life right now. I certainly wouldn't have be broken hearted from someone else right now, and who knows what I'd be doing. But it happened this way for a reason, and somehow, even though it seems like all is lost and will never be fixed...I know deep down, that's just not true.

Sometimes...

Sometimes, I think people are such assfaces, that I want to hit them. A lot. God, I am so angry. Fuck you, fuck me and fuck everyone. People are dark and twisty and it sucks.

And time will heal?

There's so much I want to say....it's like word vomit. But nothing is right. I just keep changing my mind. God I miss him. Will our paths ever cross again? Only dragonflies know. He let me walk away....... Guess it never meant anything in the first place. I just met another character he played. It wasn't real.

So is everyone's 28th birthday this dramatic?

Tonight I went to my friend Tara's for a healing session that was incredible. It validated everything that is going on inside and outside of me right now and helped me find ways to heal. What is so interesting is that she mentioned that I'm entering "Saturn Returns" which is the return of Saturn into your birth chart. I'm not really one for astrology other than for pure entertainment, but it did seem quite coincidental.




For most of us, ending a phase of life that is familiar and embarking on one that is new and untried is unsettling, even painful. Few people describe Saturn Return as a pleasant period. While undergoing your Saturn Return you may find yourself turning inward and reflecting on your individual destiny. You examine your true needs and desires and the role you want to play on the world's stage. You may feel lonely and alienated from those around you, while family and friends think you are shutting them out. But this is a necessary period of consolidation, when you must retreat from the distractions of the outer world and focus on you.


http://newage-directory.com/saturn.htmlrself at your most fundamental level. The Saturn Return is every individual's search for the Holy Grail.



Saturn comes back around to show you everything
Let's you choose what you will not see and then
Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again
Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.
Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or
Drags you down like a stone to
consume you till you choose to let this go.
Choose to let this go.
Give away the stone. Let the oceans take and transmutate this cold and fated anchor.
Give away the stone. Let the waters kiss and transmutate these leaden grudges into gold.
Let go


.......and I'm choosing to let go. I want me back. I want my magic back that I've given away to everyone until I have nothing left. I can't fix anyone but me. I can't heal anyone but me. I'm not responsible for anyone's heart but mine. I'm taking responsibility. I'm not hiding out in school or plays or excuses anymore. Now, everything changes, but it needed to fall apart. Trust.

I'm 28 today.....

I'm 28 today, and I'm in awe.

I'm in awe because life is so amazing. It sounds so cliche, but I never in a million years thought I'd be where I am right now. I expected to be married to my college boyfriend and expected to be a journalist. Sometimes the Universe has a bigger plan, and the joke is, you don't get to see the whole picture.

I've learned in these past few weeks to take things one day at a time. It's much easier to live in each moment instead of looking in a rear view mirror, or hoping tomorrow has a better promise for you. "There's only us, there's only this."

I'm 28 today and I'm letting go of expectations. I'm letting parts of me come back that had left a long time ago. I'm finding all these parts that weren't really "me", only ways of fitting in, are falling apart and falling away. Why is it that things sometimes have to fall apart to gain clarity and perspective?

I feel amazingly grounded in who I am today. I feel a great amount of peace that everything will work itself out and will be alright. I feel anchored in faith and supported completely. Sometimes things must fall apart to see what is truly there. Sometimes there is a purpose, sometimes there is a reason. But there is always faith. I know lights will guide me home.

I'm 28 today and I don't need to know. I can surrender. This is a new thing for me. With the brevity of life, each obstacle overdriven.

I'm surrounded by love, beauty, awareness and truth. What's meant to be will always find a way, no matter how murky it gets. Everything will be bright and shiny again when you can polish your own soul.

It Just Is

I just wanted.....we just didn't.....no words will come out.

I thought I needed.....but it isn't true.....and he still doesn't want me.

Acceptance of this.....I didn't want to know.

Now what? We're not....I'm not.....it falls apart....everything.

I sit here.....not knowing....surrender to what? How can I......I'm so very flawed.

If only......I could just have another chance......it wouldn't matter. It's not real. None of it was ever real.

And now.....I sit....waiting it out...for what? What's the point? There isn't anything I can say......

I need to set myself free. The walls are coming down.........crash.

What the hell just happened?

I've learned that life is completely unpredictable. I've learned the people you want to accept you the most will hurt you the most. I've learned that you can never count on anything. Nothing.

Two people who were so important to me are gone from my life right now. I told her I didn't want to be in her wedding. I told him to leave me alone. I wonder if I cut people out too much. I wonder if I can accept things as they are without considering my own feelings.

In a matter of one week, my life has been turned upside down more than I ever thought possible. I thought for a moment that I might just want it to all be over. But then I felt it, and it relieved the pain a bit. It's been a whirlwind these past few months. I feel the transition is necessary. I guess things will be forced out of your life if they aren't supposed to be there, no matter how much you want them to be. No matter how much you have done to make them fit. It shouldn't be that difficult.

I became reacquainted with my ex boyfriend today. Out of nowhere, he contacts me. They always know...how do they always know? The timing is very interesting. BAM! Why is this happening? I wonder what this experience will have to teach me. I guess you never know when people will come back, that things will have a chance for resolution, forgiveness and peace. I'm very excited to have peace with this. Maybe this peace will create and extend it further for others in the future.

My life lately has forced me to find out what I'm made of...and it's really good stuff. I've found comfort and compassion in the strangest places. You can't control what others will say or do or feel. You just have to accept, and move on when necessary.

I've found peace in my center. I know I am strong and I know new people will come into my life, and I can't control who leaves it, or what situations occur to promote action either way. It's just.....why him? Out of anybody, why? Why did he turn into his character offstage too? He was the one that I loved the most. I guess that's why this happened. I felt the cord snap, I felt peace and loss all at once. Maybe the next life we'll get it right. Maybe that's what needs to be cleared away...all the past life junk. Seperate. Alone. I remember seeing him for the first time, and now we can't even look at each other. Without the skin, Beneath the storm, Under these tears
The walls came down. It's alright. I don't mind.

This too, shall pass. It's only a speck. Just a tiny speck that feels like a bullet. It's killing me, but I will heal.

I know I did this show for a reason, I just didn't think the lesson would be this difficult. Fixing the Ego Patterns of Victim and Helper...the two the have ingrained themselves into my Being so beautifully I almost believed they were me. But I'm catching on to this game. I'm observing and finding that life brings you exactly what you need in every moment to heal what is holding you back.