Opening My Heart

This whole year, this whole lesson, this whole thing with going to school at Tibia has been about opening my heart. Opening to myself and to others. Realizing how I had been completely shut off before. It's still opening, and it feels physically painful as each layer is offering up to the sun for transformation and return.

The other night, I realized something. A conversation triggered something deep inside of me: I want someone to want me and enjoy me for me. In the past, I would chase someone, I would ponder about unavailable men, creating a fantasy world in my head that was safe, but completely unrealistic. If someone was available and wanted me, I would freak out and run. No more. When the right person comes along and I'm feeling it, I'll be ready this time around. I'm looking forward to it. I deserve more than what I've let myself have.

As the tears came down, they were quite bittersweet. Part of me longed for a "re-do" in past relationships, part of me realized they were part of the lesson. I felt open, but vulnerable. It's good to feel that way sometimes. It allows growth and space for new things to drop in.

Opening my heart to myself has allowed me to feel and to be present. It's allowed me to renew myself in every moment, and to allow whatever happens to just happen. The pain has been worth it.

And then she met this guy...

Why is it that when you are telling a story with that line in it, "And then she met this guy" or even "And then he met this girl" that the story always goes downhill?

"And then she met this guy" and she changed, totally lost herself and her friends, became completely absorbed in him, stopped caring about her interests, lost sight of reality....the list goes on. We've all been there when a friend has done this. 

Why can't the story be...."and then she met this guy" and she became even more awesome. He supported her dreams, brought out the best in her, challenged her to become a better person, encouraged her interests and appreciates her friends, allows her space to be who she is and now she is even more fun to be around because she appreciates herself and the world.

Why don't more stories end like that? Clearly, I'm not over it. My story is the former one, and she's marrying him next weekend. I miss her. 

A Peaceful Day

I have such a soft spot in my heart for old men. There is such a gentleness and peacefulness energetically flowing from a life well lived.

I sat by the lake today, enjoying the water and natural beauty. I had the blessing of four geese and ten goslings swimming up to the shore about 15 feet away from me. SO AWESOME! I watched them until they swam away, looking for their next adventure. There's nothing better to me than a day by the water. It just does something magical to me and it feels so wonderful to be alive.

The old gentleman walked up with his lunch to and sat down at the far picnic table. He wore a white baseball cap to protect his head from the sun. I watched him eat his meal in silence. There was just somthing about his energy-so very docile and serene. I wondered if he'd lost his wife or if he was just taking some alone time. Perhaps he had never married. People this this always have such stores-I can tell.

I think of my own life and everything that has happened in less than thirty years on this planet. I can't imagine what 85 years would feel like. I wonder what is going through his mind. I think you would eventually get to this place in old age where you are just surrendering and accepting everything that comes your way. I hope he's enjoying the present moment and looking back on a life well lived. 

I want to marry a man that sits by the lake to eat his lunch on a beautiful day. Namaste. 

The answers can be so easy

I did a raw food cleanse last week for about five days. I wasn't perfect on it, but I felt incredible. My abdomen puffiness went away, I lost a few pounds and felt great clarity. While my body was detoxing, I wanted sugar like none other. It was awful. It's so interesting to me how we abuse our bodies and then our bodies crave the addictive substance. It's simple science really, but it makes me wonder, if we know the consequences, why do we put it into our systems in the first place? It's a deep seated emotional issue.

I want to give it another whirl soon. A night of PMS craziness occurred and I was making home-made mac and cheese pizza and cinnamon rolls. Man, did my system love me after that. The thing I love best after a cleansing diet is the emotional and psychological clarity. The physiological effects are wonderful too, but you can't beat the clarity.

I'm a big fan of David Wolfe's work, especially the Sunfood Diet book. He talks of all the emotional issues with food and how the raw food diet works. It heals the body, inside and outside of ourselves. It removes all the crap (literally) so we can feel and see and be excited about being alive. 

Happiness

Today I woke up super early and headed to the farmer's market on the capitol square for this week's groceries. It's so nice to get there early, because it is barely busy. This morning was beautiful: sunshine, fresh flowers and produce everywhere. I always make a lap first to scope out the best deals. After an hour, my bag was loaded up with organic strawberries, kale, rainbow chard, radishes, green onions, sugar snap peas and of course, fresh iris and peonies for the table. Everything was organic and sustainable and less than $20.

I grabbed a scone and a fresh squeezed orange juice and sat down for breakfast. I chose to sit across from the prettiest flower booth and took in the atmosphere. The sound of random musicians and smells of lilies ensnared my senses. Ahhhh, this was heaven. I forgot how much I loved doing this.

It was a pretty mild day at school. We finished up our last day of science. Hooray! I had mixed feelings this afternoon as we all organized our notes to prepare for our comprehensive exam next weekend. School is almost over. Mind-blowing. My eyes were drawn to the window and I saw the participants of the Foundation Workshop doing the "being with" exercise by the trees. There she was, Ms. Michaela herself, grounded and holding space for everyone. My mind drifted back to when I was in Foundation Workshop almost a year ago, and how that was the beginning of the biggest shift in my entire life. Memories of meeting Mal for the first time and singing with Jessie. How a year can change so much.... and now another dear friend of mine is experiencing the magic of what Tibia is for the first time. I watched her golden hair blow in the breeze and thought, really? Can life get any better right now?

It can. We were done early today, so I spend the rest of the afternoon with the new love in my life, Lucy. My family just got her yesterday. I picked her out. It's so interesting now that I'm trained in Intuitive Guidance to energetically track a dog for your family. I knew her instantly and my mom was set on another dog. Lucy won. I knew she would. We have an interesting bond. When I look at her, I feel so much love. I spent the whole afternoon being present with her and how wonderful it was just to lay on the floor and play with her, take a nap with her and run around outside with her. I am just in love with her. I love the connection we have. We are totally in sync.

I picked up my friend from Tibia and came home. I decided to deep condition my hair and finish reading the novel I'm working on. Then it hit me: I'm really happy. I'm very content. There wasn't any anxiety, chaos or any sign of anything extraordinary today. It was an everyday, normal and WONDERFUL day. I couldn't help but wonder, is it that I've changed, or is everything around me changing? And in an instant, I realized that when you change yourself, the world around you changes.

I find myself torn about my next move. Part of me wants to get out of the chaos of the city, but part of me just loves it. Energetically, I know where I live isn't ideal, but somehow it suits me. I went to Prairie du Sac with a few friends of mine last week. The river was beautiful and I found myself considering living somewhere similar. That's not something I would have even considered a year ago.

When stuff comes up, it comes up. I've found myself feeling like I don't belong lately. I experienced it last Thursday at Wilson's, experienced it in class on Friday. I know it's all in my head, and it's just my reaction to a mis-perception, but I'm aware of it. I know what to do about it now, whenever something comes up. My system knows. Even when I'm so stirred up about something, I know I can either take action and speak my truth, or I can simmer and it will calm down and clear out when it's ready.

I feel ready for what's next. It took a long time of healing after being so stressed and out of my body after major upheavals. I don't miss musical theater, my job or being sick one bit. In fact, looking back, it all kind of seems like it was a big joke. I mean, did I really get so sick and stressed out over a theater production? Did I really talk to over 100 rude and arrogant jerks everyday about something as stupid as their refrigerators having fingerprints? I did. It seems foreign to me now. I can't take the next job just to be doing something. That's what happened with Subzero. I refuse to put myself in that position again. I have to have faith that I can handle what is next, and all I know, is that it's gonna be a shoooker. In a really good way.

I hate it when...

Your pee smells like vitamins from taking them. I also hate it when my traps freeze up from chronic holding patterns. I'm cranky. Lame. It's because I don't have any mt. dew. I hate detox weeks.

The sun will shine

Over the past year or so, I've met some really amazing people. Some of these people so quickly became instant friends. It was like we had known each other for years already upon the first meeting. Call it kindred spirits, call it soul mates, call it destiny. I almost forgot what it was like to experience the beauty of getting to know somebody over time.

It's so interesting to observe how human beings are in the world after being hurt, being heartbroken, or just shutting down. I've been getting to know my classmates since October now. I've been particularly drawn to one girl, I'll call her M. Since Foundation Workshop, I've felt a connection with her. I was the one to explain intuition, energy and divination to her. She was the one to tell me she had healed from a broken heart, and I would be ok as well. I knew somehow we'd go through this journey at Tibia together, even though at the time, I didn't think it'd be feasible to start class in October. As fate would have it, there I was, in class with all these amazing people.

We've all had our ups and downs this year. We've all been shoooked to the max, being given the space and opportunities to look at our "junk" and get clear. I could see so much hurt and pain in her that she'd just buried. She kept saying "nothing was wrong with her" and she just didn't "get this whole energy stuff." She was the one to give me one of the most moving bodywork sessions, she was the one that told me she loved hearing about what I "saw" and "felt." She gave me inspiration and hope to be who I am. But I just craved the opportunity for her to just feel. She slowly began to open up to me, and everything I intuitively knew about her now had validation and a story along with it. I felt so honored that she trusted me. It's so interesting that her best friend left with her boyfriend of four years and she didn't trust people. I've found this to be a major hurt of people I love. I can't imagine what that would be like and how much pain that would cause.

It almost came up when we were camping, her readiness to get rid of all the emotional baggage she's been carrying. Her chance to be supported and loved in a safe space. She was sick to her stomach and it took everything she had to just sit next to me. I had already done energy work on two people who had never experienced it and gave her boyfriend a reading about his past and why certain issues were hard for him to manage. I was dead on, and it felt so great to be able to trust myself again. After being told that was bullshit in the past, it's nice to realize it's not and it's just people's unwillingness to be open that causes resistance. When things get stirred up and ready to clear, sometimes it's almost overwhelming. I could see it in her, feel it in her, but she wasn't ready and didn't want to look at it. I respected her and I love her, so I just let it be and nothing really came up. She went to bed. I wanted it for her so bad though. But it wasn't my decision. It was hers.

We did our final transformational bodywork this past weekend in class. I didn't feel particularly stirred up or anything. It felt more like to me that this session for me, would be about what's next. I set the intention that everyone would get what they needed. I also sent the intention up that I would get the courage to have my "voice" back (as in singing) and whatever needed to clear for me to be ready for my next relationship. I didn't tell anyone this, I just sent it up to the Universe to take care of it.

I was the giver first. So was M. There were 15 of us in that room plus 4 teachers experiencing something that I will never forget. The energy was so thick it was palpable. So many beautiful souls ready to experience, feel and get rid of their shit. Only about two songs in, and I look over, and M's client is just sobbing and so is M. I see one of the teachers, holding her from behind. My heart just opened. YES!!!! This is what I had been wanting for her all along, but it couldn't have happened for her any other way. She wasn't ready any earlier than this day. All those years of holding things in just came out in her tears. I could feel it. Things were popping all over the room.

Michaela came over to me and said, "If you know the words to any of these songs, SING IT. It will help your client clear." How did she know? It took a lot of courage and at first I just started humming. By the end of the session, Michaela came over to my client again and we were doing energy work together. Michaela was singing and so was I. Two BIG things cleared for me in that moment. My unworthiness and my courage to sing. Singing with Michaela and doing bodywork was just the coolest thing I've ever experienced. I've always had this story about not being worthy of people I look up to and admire. But here we were, making a difference, not only for ourselves but for the client. I looked over and M was singing too. It was so connected. I will never forget that moment. How fucking beautiful. I will so never forget that moment.

After we shared, my client said that she was emotionally going to places that were fearful for her, and my singing was comforting to her. How perfect. Perfect in every way.

When it was my turn to be the client, I felt so relaxed. That's a rarity for me. Just to slow down and feel my body. I felt so loved. It made me realize that it has been so long since I've been held, since I've been loved, and it felt great to have that human touch. I realized I am ready to have a man in my life if it happens. It just has to feel right to me. That felt great. I started to feel a bit unsettled and reached my arms into the air. I swear, I was holding hands with something other than this earth. At that moment, two other people had huge emotional releases. Something was flowing through me to assist energetically what was occuring in other people. Something big in me opened. I know this is what I am meant to do. This is my life's work. To assist in any way I can, energetically and through bodywork, transformation for human beings. There is always SOMETHING we can do to reach out to another in need. Bodywork is a beautiful way to connect.

Some people may think it's bullshit. I don't. Michaela came over and put some essential oil on my body for inter-dimensional healing. Ahh...so that's what was going on. My other classmates also had HUGE releases and created so much healing for themselves. My session wasn't so much about healing the past, it was about opening to the future. It was about letting those things that hold me back, just slide off.

We later found out that M's client lost her mother last year to a degenerative disease. M's mother is suffering from one right now. That match up was perfect. They both carried a particular suffering and emotion in themselves and being together triggered something deep for both of them. It didn't make me feel less of a person, or unworthy that she didn't have that breakthrough with me. It would have a year ago. I think of how much progress I've made. I know it's all up to the individual as to what they are ready for. I know how to meet and love and appreciate somebody where they are, even though I see so much more for them. In time, out of time, does it really make a difference? It all runs together sometimes. So far, I haven't been wrong, and other's I'm still holding space for them. Everything happens in it's own time. Transformational Bodywork 3 taught me that.

I'm a changed woman because of Tibia. There are only a few months left. I'm going to be so sad to leave that place, to be finished with this portion of the journey. I hope to continue with my volunteer work at CAPW and move on with Project Peace. I feel parts of me that I had shut down for so long are back and healthy and feeling alive. I've never been so appreciative. I've never felt more grounded and safe and free. I want EVERYONE to experience the beauty that they are. What a miracle Tibia is.

Michaela shared a video about her brother Frankie, who had died of AIDS two years ago. Each year, the Tibia students are required to participate in outreach for the AIDS ride in Wisconsin. Our turn is in August. I know that will be another amazing, transformational weekend. You never know what is going to happen to you. The best thing to do is be present and love those in your life. I so get that now.

It makes me wish I could go back in time sometimes and re-do things that I know now were out of ego and my own pain. But that was all part of the lesson. I'm so appreciative to those I have those difficult times with. It helps us both to transform. And I know you're reading this....you know who you are....and I was right. You can never tell me otherwise. You were a Divine intervention in my life. It was amazing, I learned so much. I changed so much. You stirred things up in me that I didn't even know where holding me back and were there, buried. Thank you. I'm sorry we had to hurt each other so much. Even if we are never connected as closely as we used to be, I experienced something amazing because of meeting you. Where this journey may lead you, always Trust. Especially in yourself.

I know the sun will keep rising everyday. I'll be greeting it with an open heart and open mind.

Eye Contact

Have you ever met eyes with someone and you knew that life was never going to be the same? That was my Saturday night.

I haven't had this awesome of an energetic connection with someone since meeting my "myspace" friend at Wilson's over a year ago. This connection wasn't one of curiosity and intensity though. It was one of peace and understanding.

We were all sitting in a circle on my friend's deck. My friend was begging me to tell him about myself, stating that I was one of the coolest people she knows. He said, "She's not about that, she's a pisces. She is humble." Wow. The truth is, usually I feel like I need to fill the space with words with people, but with him, I didn't. I just wanted to sit there and surrender to this vivid inner peace that was filling my system.

I said, "I'm just really glad to have met you. I feel like I don't need to say anything." He nodded in understanding. His girlfriend too. He is madly in love with her, and it is so beautiful. It's the kind of connection that I want with someone. He said "It took me a long time to work through all of my stuff to be able to accept and receive the kind of love I wanted." BAM! There are guys out there like him. There are guys that will understand working through your own "stuff" and self awareness.

I felt like I've probably been his lover in 30 past lives. The karma was finished. Totally complete. He was there as a reminder. We talked about how we meet people, and how relationships fall away as things change. He told me you meet people at the right time. I met him at the perfect time. All the anxiety flew away. It just wasn't present. I felt no need to decide anything. All I knew, was that for the first time, it felt perfectly acceptable for me to be patient and wait and not settle for what is in front of me because it didn't feel right. All he had to do was be himself and show up. And that energetically created the space for me to be myself.

It was a beautiful spring evening, full of love, laughter and healing. His eyes were so intense, so amazing, so full of love. I have been floored by what he opened up in me. I have no idea if he'll even be a friend in this life. It doesn't really feel like he needs to be. It's just that I was so happy and so at peace to be reminded of what love really looks like. I witnessed it between the two of them and between all of us as a group.

We just got each other. He knew it. I knew it. And now I can move on in such peace. Transformation can be so amazing.