It’s really slow at work today, so I’ve compiled a fantasy wish list of things I would do if I had a day off. Ahhhhhh life before being in school…I didn’t know how good I had it.
1. Spend a Saturday with Juliana going to all the places she loves to go to become more aware of eating organic, making natural household cleaners, using natural skin and body care and makeup and then cooking a fabulous meal together for our friends. We’d go to the co-op, Community Pharmacy, Jenny St. Market, Mimosa, etc.
2. Spend the day making beauty potions and having a spa day with my girlfriends at my condo. We’d pop in some great music, chat and do fun things like card readings and eat lots of awesome food.
3. Have a day to go shopping for new flooring for the condo. Pick out new stuff and have it be magically affordable.
4. Have a day to fix all the things about my condo that are bothering me. Ideally, this would involve a lot of booze because I swear like a sailor when I fix stuff.
5.Have a day to make phone calls and reconnect with everyone I miss. This would probably take about two days though.
6. Have a guy in my life who doesn’t necessarily want anything serious, but just wants to be with me and lay in my bed and talk forever and understands I don’t have a lot of time right now, but the time I do have is quality. I miss the deep conversations that seem to last forever, but are just really getting started. A guy who understands what going through a transformation is about. It would be even better if he’s in the spot too, it’d be great support. No expecations, just the pure joy of being.
7. Have a sister day with Britters. We’d go to the Farmer’s Market, coffee in hand, and get some fab stuff to make breakfast. Then we’d watch a Gilmore Girls marathon and eat lots of pizza. Then we’d get all dolled up and go out to dinner, then come back home and watch Sex in the City.
8.Have a day to spend with my Grandma. I’d love to make a rock garden for her in my Grandfather’s memory.
9.Fly to Dubai to visit Janna. I’d give anything to see her.
10. Have a day to myself. I’d probably go grocery shopping, cook all day, take a salt bath and moisturized, do a deep conditioning hair mask and paint my nails. Ahhhh that would be bliss.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Breakthrough
I’m not entirely sure why I’m not just keeping this in my private journal, but I feel the need for this space, and I’m going to use it. I had a really moving experience tonight at Intuitive Guidance class. We had to practice ‘holding space for someone and not say anything and just be present for 15 minutes. The basic concept is that the person holding a space creates a safe environment for the receiver.
When it was my turn to receive, I was just open and able to allow it to flow through. I know I have a difficult time receiving in many areas of my life, and it’s certainly something I’ve been working on. I didn’t have any expectations or agendas and just was present to whatever came up.
I was very surprised when I started to hear “Thank You For Loving Me” play in my head. My initial reaction was “no way-this is old news and so done” but I started to feel really unsettled-like it was still so unresolved and it needed to be completed. I don’t know if I was empathing part of what Dan feels, but I felt guilt and a sense of failure. I felt guilty for being childish for how I acted in the end and with him since our relationship ended. He just went so ‘crazy’ and so out of control and I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I felt failure because I couldn’t save him from himself. I’ve since learned that there isn’t anything I can do or give to someone to do that, but that was a hard lesson.
The truth is hard to admit and it still feels extremely uncomfortable being right in my face, forcing me to look at it. You can’t just bury something and not talk about it and expect it to just disappear. There I was, with this woman I barely know with all the emotional vomit just coming up and up and up. Then I felt something metaphysical grab the back of my hair and pull my head up since I was looking down. It kept pulling until my eyes reached a point high on the shelf where I was looking at Chelsea’s wedding picture. I felt my filters coming in; I wasn’t quite sure what it meant. My head could not move. Having something metaphysical touch me is still a new experience for me-so it was pretty bizarre. There have only been a few times where I’ve felt almost like paralysis because I was supposed to stay somewhere, even if my ego resisted it. My head stayed and my eyes locked into that picture until I got it. What came to me was I thought by now I would have that in my life-and I needed to be present with the fact t that it just hasn’t happened and its ok. I needed to accept the fact that I really did love him, despite who he was-it didn’t’ matter-I really loved him.
I realize this needs completion if I want to really let any other man in. It’s strange-I always have attracted emotionally unavailable men into my life since that relationship ended. Now I know why-I’m not emotionally available either. That really clicked in tonight and it is so uncomfortable.
I thank God for this year. I’ve learned so much. It’s like Life 101 on meth. All the connections I’ve made-while amazing-they aren’t unique or special. I felt that same connection with a stranger tonight. It was because she was holding that space for me to receive I was able to get in touch with myself-and anybody can do that for anybody. It’s quite amazing what possibilities that opens up.
It amazes me that I’m in a position right not that I couldn’t even date if I wanted to. I work full time and go to school full time and have clients for energetic work. I have created no space in my life for it and I know it’s because this emotional vomit needs to be cleared out so I can live from my authentic self and attract the relationship into my life that will be right for me and be a space for others. Imagine if we could all speak from our authentic selves-who we really are at the core-that’s where I want to live from. Now I have to allow this completion to come about. I’m grateful I’m fully supported. I’m so happy I’m at Tibia and so happy to have so many awesome supportive people in my life that I can be a support for as well. I’m still boggled about the connections…maybe there are some people we just choose to keep going through lifetimes with because we just ‘get’ each other. Maybe it’s because we decide we need to experience and learn certain things and we are ‘requested’ to trigger things for another. I have no idea. What I do know is that it still amazes me…while not unique, it certainly feels like being home and being safe. I really like that. I like it a lot.
When it was my turn to receive, I was just open and able to allow it to flow through. I know I have a difficult time receiving in many areas of my life, and it’s certainly something I’ve been working on. I didn’t have any expectations or agendas and just was present to whatever came up.
I was very surprised when I started to hear “Thank You For Loving Me” play in my head. My initial reaction was “no way-this is old news and so done” but I started to feel really unsettled-like it was still so unresolved and it needed to be completed. I don’t know if I was empathing part of what Dan feels, but I felt guilt and a sense of failure. I felt guilty for being childish for how I acted in the end and with him since our relationship ended. He just went so ‘crazy’ and so out of control and I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I felt failure because I couldn’t save him from himself. I’ve since learned that there isn’t anything I can do or give to someone to do that, but that was a hard lesson.
The truth is hard to admit and it still feels extremely uncomfortable being right in my face, forcing me to look at it. You can’t just bury something and not talk about it and expect it to just disappear. There I was, with this woman I barely know with all the emotional vomit just coming up and up and up. Then I felt something metaphysical grab the back of my hair and pull my head up since I was looking down. It kept pulling until my eyes reached a point high on the shelf where I was looking at Chelsea’s wedding picture. I felt my filters coming in; I wasn’t quite sure what it meant. My head could not move. Having something metaphysical touch me is still a new experience for me-so it was pretty bizarre. There have only been a few times where I’ve felt almost like paralysis because I was supposed to stay somewhere, even if my ego resisted it. My head stayed and my eyes locked into that picture until I got it. What came to me was I thought by now I would have that in my life-and I needed to be present with the fact t that it just hasn’t happened and its ok. I needed to accept the fact that I really did love him, despite who he was-it didn’t’ matter-I really loved him.
I realize this needs completion if I want to really let any other man in. It’s strange-I always have attracted emotionally unavailable men into my life since that relationship ended. Now I know why-I’m not emotionally available either. That really clicked in tonight and it is so uncomfortable.
I thank God for this year. I’ve learned so much. It’s like Life 101 on meth. All the connections I’ve made-while amazing-they aren’t unique or special. I felt that same connection with a stranger tonight. It was because she was holding that space for me to receive I was able to get in touch with myself-and anybody can do that for anybody. It’s quite amazing what possibilities that opens up.
It amazes me that I’m in a position right not that I couldn’t even date if I wanted to. I work full time and go to school full time and have clients for energetic work. I have created no space in my life for it and I know it’s because this emotional vomit needs to be cleared out so I can live from my authentic self and attract the relationship into my life that will be right for me and be a space for others. Imagine if we could all speak from our authentic selves-who we really are at the core-that’s where I want to live from. Now I have to allow this completion to come about. I’m grateful I’m fully supported. I’m so happy I’m at Tibia and so happy to have so many awesome supportive people in my life that I can be a support for as well. I’m still boggled about the connections…maybe there are some people we just choose to keep going through lifetimes with because we just ‘get’ each other. Maybe it’s because we decide we need to experience and learn certain things and we are ‘requested’ to trigger things for another. I have no idea. What I do know is that it still amazes me…while not unique, it certainly feels like being home and being safe. I really like that. I like it a lot.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Quote of the Day...
My little sister is reading the book 1984 for her English class. She's been having nightmares about the government coming to take her since she started reading it. We were talking last night and she says, "I had this terrible dream that the government was run by the ghetto." I was laughing, because it was a funny picture running through my head. And she says, "But if you think about it; the government is really like the ghetto: If you don't shut your mouth you get a cap in your ass."
Friday, October 12, 2007
Peace
May peace be within you and extend to the world. Take the moment to look within, and find what appears to be missing. It’s only a misperception, of that I’m sure. There is beauty and clarity. See the world with new eyes. Smile, somebody loves you dearly. It's ok, tomorrow is a new dawn.
The day is gone with the sunset’s glow
What’s passed has passed, and only fate knows.
The sea has calmed when under the moon’s control
Each worry be lifted, each smile unfold.
Sadness is common when all pain endured
But happiness prevails and all faith is sure.
Take the beauty, love and all God-given
With the brevity of life, each obstacle overdriven.
The day is gone with the sunset’s glow
What’s passed has passed, and only fate knows.
The sea has calmed when under the moon’s control
Each worry be lifted, each smile unfold.
Sadness is common when all pain endured
But happiness prevails and all faith is sure.
Take the beauty, love and all God-given
With the brevity of life, each obstacle overdriven.
~Niki Lynn Doedens
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Something Wonderful Is About To Happen
As I pulled up to my weekly appointment for intuitive coaching there was a yellow jeep in the parking lot I didn’t recognize. Niki drove a yellow jeep, and when I see one, I pay attention…its just one of those things I do. There was a bumper sticker on it that said, “something wonderful is about to happen.” I got this feeling, this really amazing feeling that it was true. I thanked her for the sign and went inside for my session.
Something wonderful did happen. I’ll be going to massage school starting at the end of this month. It just all worked itself out. It’s like in the Alchemist….if the Universe truly wants you to do something, it’ll come to be. I didn’t think I’d be able to go to school for at least another year, and now here I am-graduation is in August.
I know my social life will suffer. Classes are Friday nights and Saturdays and Sundays. It’s more important for me to take the opportunity that has presented itself and go with the flow of it.
It turns out the jeep belongs to the mother of one of the men who will be in class with me. He directed an amazing show I saw this summer and does theater in NYC. Hmmm….life certainly gets interesting. This is especially true when you are just able to let go of expectations. I really feel some things are just meant to be. Whether meeting certain people, certain situations…it just feels right when you don’t have to constantly “work” on something. It’s just there, and it’s almost magical. It is serendipity and synchronicity working in tandem with what your highest good desires. It’s there, and it’s real. If something isn’t working for you, it will be removed, of that I am sure. It’s interesting to see what happens in a space of nothingness, when you just allow, or maybe even ask for assistance. It’ll be there, always, especially if the Universe knows it is of your best interest.
Something wonderful did happen. I’ll be going to massage school starting at the end of this month. It just all worked itself out. It’s like in the Alchemist….if the Universe truly wants you to do something, it’ll come to be. I didn’t think I’d be able to go to school for at least another year, and now here I am-graduation is in August.
I know my social life will suffer. Classes are Friday nights and Saturdays and Sundays. It’s more important for me to take the opportunity that has presented itself and go with the flow of it.
It turns out the jeep belongs to the mother of one of the men who will be in class with me. He directed an amazing show I saw this summer and does theater in NYC. Hmmm….life certainly gets interesting. This is especially true when you are just able to let go of expectations. I really feel some things are just meant to be. Whether meeting certain people, certain situations…it just feels right when you don’t have to constantly “work” on something. It’s just there, and it’s almost magical. It is serendipity and synchronicity working in tandem with what your highest good desires. It’s there, and it’s real. If something isn’t working for you, it will be removed, of that I am sure. It’s interesting to see what happens in a space of nothingness, when you just allow, or maybe even ask for assistance. It’ll be there, always, especially if the Universe knows it is of your best interest.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Real Good
Right now, life is really good. It’s like sitting in a salt bath with your hair up listening to Miles Davis while sipping champagne good. And I love it.
It feels like a blank canvas, and every color in the Universe is whispering, “pick me.” I finally feel like my outside world is reflecting how I feel inside. It’s quite nice to have that balance.
I’m allowing myself to receive, it’s new for me, but I’ve had amazing support. Yesterday my mom bought me some fresh baked sweets and fresh fruit from the local market. It was such an awesome surprise and I was so excited! She’s never done anything like that before. I almost wonder, if I didn’t allow myself to truly be loved in the past. I’m open to it now-receiving-because it balances the giving. I feel so light, like the weight of the world is now off of my shoulders.
I feel like nothing and everything matters. It’s beautiful. I love the feeling of renewal-seeing everything for the first time and seeing it more clearly this time. It’s like the morning you wake up and the dull ache in your heart from someone breaking it is just gone. You don’t know what you “did” to make that happen, it just happened. And it feels amazing.
Feeling this way gives me more motivation to do more and be more. I really could get used to this. In fact, I intend to do so.
It feels like a blank canvas, and every color in the Universe is whispering, “pick me.” I finally feel like my outside world is reflecting how I feel inside. It’s quite nice to have that balance.
I’m allowing myself to receive, it’s new for me, but I’ve had amazing support. Yesterday my mom bought me some fresh baked sweets and fresh fruit from the local market. It was such an awesome surprise and I was so excited! She’s never done anything like that before. I almost wonder, if I didn’t allow myself to truly be loved in the past. I’m open to it now-receiving-because it balances the giving. I feel so light, like the weight of the world is now off of my shoulders.
I feel like nothing and everything matters. It’s beautiful. I love the feeling of renewal-seeing everything for the first time and seeing it more clearly this time. It’s like the morning you wake up and the dull ache in your heart from someone breaking it is just gone. You don’t know what you “did” to make that happen, it just happened. And it feels amazing.
Feeling this way gives me more motivation to do more and be more. I really could get used to this. In fact, I intend to do so.
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