Subzero's Biggest Loser

I'm getting fat. I guess since I haven't excercised in about six months, it's pretty likely that this would happen. In order to help motivate myself, my friends at work and I have organized a Biggest Loser Contest amongst us.

We are going to calculate and assess every week, with prizes every month. Yay for awesome motivation.....here we go......

The caterpillar must do her work.

Ugh

Customer service is officially killing my soul. I don't think I've ever looked or felt worse in my life. Not even after no sleep for days editing "To the Top."

In Response to Last Night

Circling through, around, inside.

LET GO-why can't I just let you fly? It's the soul's journey to decide, not mine.

Fear consumes and it melts into me
to discover the Truth, it must be within-why am I so afraid?

Experience, human, the fast road isn't the answer anymore, it never was. Why didn't I realize?
It's the doubt that binds me, the fear of what is really there.

Expectations, attachments-doesn't mean anything
So influenced by the outside circumstances-the calm soothes me.
He's the closest to God on Earth that I've felt-to know it within myself-will there be freedom?

Being. Human. Experience.
The feeling, there's only now, only here, only us. Feeling it. Really feeling it. At least I know I am alive.

In time, out of time-just breathe.

Like the Sun

"When love hurts you or goes away, you have a choice. You can become upset and chase after it- or you can remain calm and serene while you think, What do I need to learn from what I'm feeling right now?
Even though love's emotional expression may change from time to time, the existence of love won't. Love is a constant, no matter what form it takes in your life. Just as the sun rises and sets, so too does love come and go. And, like the sun, love will always reappear."

Hearts....From Heaven's Letters....

Often I say to you, "Use your heart. Follow your heart. Your beautiful heart." What does it mean to follow your beautiful heart?
It means to let go of thinking. I am not telling you to never think. Of course, you think. You have a mind for a reason. Only the mind has become predominant. So downplay your mind. When you always follow your mind, then you are reacting to the past and looking to the future. You are figuring something out. You are placing your bets. You brain, like a computer, assembles information and makes something of it. Information is always from the past. Even if you just receive the information, your mind is already assembling it, cranking it out like a slot machine, trying to make three apples come up together.
The brain, like a computer, cannot be spontaneous. It can only follow or react to what has been programmed into it. The brain sees what is directly before it but immediately incorporates it into the past or a projected future. The brain sums up. It calculates. It categorizes. It tells you, based on past records, what it considers most opportune for you to do in order to get results. The brain is always flipping through the past. It files things in categories. It keeps adding. The files bulge. They get so crowded you almost can't think anymore. The thinking mind, beloveds, is not always reliable. Judgment is not reliable. The heart is reliably a heart. Hearts are made of gold, beloveds.
You may say, "But, God, the heart is not always reliable either. I've made mistake after mistake with my heart. I've even made a fool of myself with my heart. Experience has taught me I must use my mind over my heart."
When you say you make mistakes with your heart, you are saying you don't always get the results you want. You don't with your brain either. Sometimes your mind is too smart for its own good. The mind means to look out for your best interest, only it doesn't always know what your best interest is. Outsmarting is not always smart.
What if your heart weren't looking for results? What if your heart simply beat the tune it beats. What if your heart simply adores what it adores without thought of a future, without thought of what someone else may think, without thought of return, without thought of gain, simply without thought. What if your heart were allowed to say what it feels and to be what it is.
If you still feel that mind is more reliable than your heart, consider then that your heart is a mind. Certainly, your heart has a mind of its own.
Will you at least concede that your heart knows a lot? It knows without knowing why. It knows it wants to make music, or it wants to paint. Your heart knows what makes it happy. Your mind may be well-intentioned, yet it can only come from a distance whereas the heart is immediate. The heart is wise because it does not think. So what if your heart is not clever. I tell you to have a heart.
I don't tell you to be mawkish. I don't tell you to be sentimental. I tell you to use your heart.
You know, there is a right tool for everything. You don't use a hammer when you need a screwdriver.
Your mind will tell you whom you can love, for instance, and whom you may not. Your heart tells you a different story. Your heart tells you what is happening now. Beloveds, minds do not marry, but hearts can. Hearts do.

Project Peace

PEACE

Providing Everyone A Complete Existence.

It's time to trust my insticts, close my eyes, and leap.

I am creating the possibility for myself and my life to be standing powerfully for love and peace in the world.

And, that's that. It is what it is.

Life

Life is meaningless, and I couldn't be happier.

Now I understand

For me, it was a reason to go with in and reflect upon the most painful things in my existence.

For him, it was an easy out.

Now I understand, and it flies away, light and free as a sparkling dragonfly. It will fly free and spirited, perhaps to come around again, perhaps to fly free forever. It doesn't matter. I am no longer trapped.

Perception

I feel a lot of suffering comes from an individual’s perception of an event. A shift in perception or perhaps seeing it from another’s eyes can sometimes help to alleviate pain.

For many years, I chose to believe the one opinion that was detrimental to my own well-being and what is not the truth. If many told me I was talented, I’d believe the one person that told me I was not. If many told me I was beautiful, I’d believe the one person who told me I wasn’t attractive enough for him. If many told me I was helpful, I’d believe the one person who said I was disruptive.

Logically and statistically speaking, this is ridiculous. If 9/10 doctors approve it, generally the public accepts it. If 9/10 people say something great about me, why do I believe the one who doesn’t to be the correct answer. What matters is how I feel about myself, and shifting my perception of events, people, and relationships has helped tremendously.

Sometimes, all it takes is a shift. Turn around and look the other direction. It might be so in your face, so clear to see you can’t believe you didn’t see it before. That’s what happened to me.

Fun Fact of the Day

The bones of a human body contain more than a pound of phosphorus. That is enough for 2,000 match heads.

Fantasy List

It’s really slow at work today, so I’ve compiled a fantasy wish list of things I would do if I had a day off. Ahhhhhh life before being in school…I didn’t know how good I had it.



1. Spend a Saturday with Juliana going to all the places she loves to go to become more aware of eating organic, making natural household cleaners, using natural skin and body care and makeup and then cooking a fabulous meal together for our friends. We’d go to the co-op, Community Pharmacy, Jenny St. Market, Mimosa, etc.

2. Spend the day making beauty potions and having a spa day with my girlfriends at my condo. We’d pop in some great music, chat and do fun things like card readings and eat lots of awesome food.

3. Have a day to go shopping for new flooring for the condo. Pick out new stuff and have it be magically affordable.

4. Have a day to fix all the things about my condo that are bothering me. Ideally, this would involve a lot of booze because I swear like a sailor when I fix stuff.

5.Have a day to make phone calls and reconnect with everyone I miss. This would probably take about two days though.

6. Have a guy in my life who doesn’t necessarily want anything serious, but just wants to be with me and lay in my bed and talk forever and understands I don’t have a lot of time right now, but the time I do have is quality. I miss the deep conversations that seem to last forever, but are just really getting started. A guy who understands what going through a transformation is about. It would be even better if he’s in the spot too, it’d be great support. No expecations, just the pure joy of being.

7. Have a sister day with Britters. We’d go to the Farmer’s Market, coffee in hand, and get some fab stuff to make breakfast. Then we’d watch a Gilmore Girls marathon and eat lots of pizza. Then we’d get all dolled up and go out to dinner, then come back home and watch Sex in the City.

8.Have a day to spend with my Grandma. I’d love to make a rock garden for her in my Grandfather’s memory.

9.Fly to Dubai to visit Janna. I’d give anything to see her.

10. Have a day to myself. I’d probably go grocery shopping, cook all day, take a salt bath and moisturized, do a deep conditioning hair mask and paint my nails. Ahhhh that would be bliss.

Breakthrough

I’m not entirely sure why I’m not just keeping this in my private journal, but I feel the need for this space, and I’m going to use it. I had a really moving experience tonight at Intuitive Guidance class. We had to practice ‘holding space for someone and not say anything and just be present for 15 minutes. The basic concept is that the person holding a space creates a safe environment for the receiver.

When it was my turn to receive, I was just open and able to allow it to flow through. I know I have a difficult time receiving in many areas of my life, and it’s certainly something I’ve been working on. I didn’t have any expectations or agendas and just was present to whatever came up.

I was very surprised when I started to hear “Thank You For Loving Me” play in my head. My initial reaction was “no way-this is old news and so done” but I started to feel really unsettled-like it was still so unresolved and it needed to be completed. I don’t know if I was empathing part of what Dan feels, but I felt guilt and a sense of failure. I felt guilty for being childish for how I acted in the end and with him since our relationship ended. He just went so ‘crazy’ and so out of control and I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I felt failure because I couldn’t save him from himself. I’ve since learned that there isn’t anything I can do or give to someone to do that, but that was a hard lesson.

The truth is hard to admit and it still feels extremely uncomfortable being right in my face, forcing me to look at it. You can’t just bury something and not talk about it and expect it to just disappear. There I was, with this woman I barely know with all the emotional vomit just coming up and up and up. Then I felt something metaphysical grab the back of my hair and pull my head up since I was looking down. It kept pulling until my eyes reached a point high on the shelf where I was looking at Chelsea’s wedding picture. I felt my filters coming in; I wasn’t quite sure what it meant. My head could not move. Having something metaphysical touch me is still a new experience for me-so it was pretty bizarre. There have only been a few times where I’ve felt almost like paralysis because I was supposed to stay somewhere, even if my ego resisted it. My head stayed and my eyes locked into that picture until I got it. What came to me was I thought by now I would have that in my life-and I needed to be present with the fact t that it just hasn’t happened and its ok. I needed to accept the fact that I really did love him, despite who he was-it didn’t’ matter-I really loved him.

I realize this needs completion if I want to really let any other man in. It’s strange-I always have attracted emotionally unavailable men into my life since that relationship ended. Now I know why-I’m not emotionally available either. That really clicked in tonight and it is so uncomfortable.

I thank God for this year. I’ve learned so much. It’s like Life 101 on meth. All the connections I’ve made-while amazing-they aren’t unique or special. I felt that same connection with a stranger tonight. It was because she was holding that space for me to receive I was able to get in touch with myself-and anybody can do that for anybody. It’s quite amazing what possibilities that opens up.

It amazes me that I’m in a position right not that I couldn’t even date if I wanted to. I work full time and go to school full time and have clients for energetic work. I have created no space in my life for it and I know it’s because this emotional vomit needs to be cleared out so I can live from my authentic self and attract the relationship into my life that will be right for me and be a space for others. Imagine if we could all speak from our authentic selves-who we really are at the core-that’s where I want to live from. Now I have to allow this completion to come about. I’m grateful I’m fully supported. I’m so happy I’m at Tibia and so happy to have so many awesome supportive people in my life that I can be a support for as well. I’m still boggled about the connections…maybe there are some people we just choose to keep going through lifetimes with because we just ‘get’ each other. Maybe it’s because we decide we need to experience and learn certain things and we are ‘requested’ to trigger things for another. I have no idea. What I do know is that it still amazes me…while not unique, it certainly feels like being home and being safe. I really like that. I like it a lot.

Quote of the Day...

My little sister is reading the book 1984 for her English class. She's been having nightmares about the government coming to take her since she started reading it. We were talking last night and she says, "I had this terrible dream that the government was run by the ghetto." I was laughing, because it was a funny picture running through my head. And she says, "But if you think about it; the government is really like the ghetto: If you don't shut your mouth you get a cap in your ass."

Peace

May peace be within you and extend to the world. Take the moment to look within, and find what appears to be missing. It’s only a misperception, of that I’m sure. There is beauty and clarity. See the world with new eyes. Smile, somebody loves you dearly. It's ok, tomorrow is a new dawn.



The day is gone with the sunset’s glow
What’s passed has passed, and only fate knows.
The sea has calmed when under the moon’s control
Each worry be lifted, each smile unfold.
Sadness is common when all pain endured
But happiness prevails and all faith is sure.
Take the beauty, love and all God-given
With the brevity of life, each obstacle overdriven.

~Niki Lynn Doedens

Something Wonderful Is About To Happen

As I pulled up to my weekly appointment for intuitive coaching there was a yellow jeep in the parking lot I didn’t recognize. Niki drove a yellow jeep, and when I see one, I pay attention…its just one of those things I do. There was a bumper sticker on it that said, “something wonderful is about to happen.” I got this feeling, this really amazing feeling that it was true. I thanked her for the sign and went inside for my session.

Something wonderful did happen. I’ll be going to massage school starting at the end of this month. It just all worked itself out. It’s like in the Alchemist….if the Universe truly wants you to do something, it’ll come to be. I didn’t think I’d be able to go to school for at least another year, and now here I am-graduation is in August.

I know my social life will suffer. Classes are Friday nights and Saturdays and Sundays. It’s more important for me to take the opportunity that has presented itself and go with the flow of it.

It turns out the jeep belongs to the mother of one of the men who will be in class with me. He directed an amazing show I saw this summer and does theater in NYC. Hmmm….life certainly gets interesting. This is especially true when you are just able to let go of expectations. I really feel some things are just meant to be. Whether meeting certain people, certain situations…it just feels right when you don’t have to constantly “work” on something. It’s just there, and it’s almost magical. It is serendipity and synchronicity working in tandem with what your highest good desires. It’s there, and it’s real. If something isn’t working for you, it will be removed, of that I am sure. It’s interesting to see what happens in a space of nothingness, when you just allow, or maybe even ask for assistance. It’ll be there, always, especially if the Universe knows it is of your best interest.

Real Good

Right now, life is really good. It’s like sitting in a salt bath with your hair up listening to Miles Davis while sipping champagne good. And I love it.

It feels like a blank canvas, and every color in the Universe is whispering, “pick me.” I finally feel like my outside world is reflecting how I feel inside. It’s quite nice to have that balance.

I’m allowing myself to receive, it’s new for me, but I’ve had amazing support. Yesterday my mom bought me some fresh baked sweets and fresh fruit from the local market. It was such an awesome surprise and I was so excited! She’s never done anything like that before. I almost wonder, if I didn’t allow myself to truly be loved in the past. I’m open to it now-receiving-because it balances the giving. I feel so light, like the weight of the world is now off of my shoulders.

I feel like nothing and everything matters. It’s beautiful. I love the feeling of renewal-seeing everything for the first time and seeing it more clearly this time. It’s like the morning you wake up and the dull ache in your heart from someone breaking it is just gone. You don’t know what you “did” to make that happen, it just happened. And it feels amazing.

Feeling this way gives me more motivation to do more and be more. I really could get used to this. In fact, I intend to do so.

I thought this was great...

When the old is shed, room for newness arrives. When birds molt, they are bared for a while. Space is being cleared for new feathers to grow.
If birds were like you, they would flutter around and say: "Oh, dear, something must be the matter. My feathers are falling out." But birds don't go frantic with worry. They don't make anything of molting at all. And soon enough, new plumage comes.
Right now, you are shedding remnants of your old self. This is another way of saying that you are shedding ignorance. You are losing hold of all your familiar boundaries. The boundaries were all a mistake, and yet so familiar are they, you feel bereft without them, for now what are you supposed to hold onto? You are supposed to be adrift, beloveds.
You thought a rope of the past held you safe. The boundaries lent a certain comfort. You might have protested them, yet you were used to curling up against them. Now the ropes are gone. They were only props anyway.
You still reach for the walls, and your fingers don't find the walls to help you identify where you are. It feels to you that, without the walls, you are lost. It is not comfortable to be in what you see as limbo.
Having lost your boundaries, beloveds, you are like the birds who have lost their feathers. The difference is that birds know they don't need their old feathers. You don't need your boundaries whatsoever. You just need to get used to being without them. The sides of your crib are now down, and you can get down, and you can explore. Boundary-less, you are free. You have wanted freedom, and now that it has come, it takes some getting used to. You have been let out of a cage. "My cage, my lovely cage," you lament.
There are no longer any "supposed to's" in life. Life is richer, fuller, vaster, and yet it may seem more nebulous to you, even empty. You may feel weak rather than strong. You have lost your balance. You crave the street signs that are no longer visible. Somehow you felt stronger with them. That's illusion for you.
You may even feel hollow now, unable to even pinch yourself to know you are there. This sense of hollowness, even of fragility, are signs of your expanding. You may feel desolate. You may feel disconnected. You are disconnecting, beloveds, from your past. You are being disconnected from narrowness. And so you feel off-keel.
It is almost as if you feel your body disappearing. Borderless, you feel groundless. You feel the very ground disappearing beneath you. You feel as though you are in some kind of vortex.
All this wonderful stuff is happening for you, and you worry about it! "What is happening to me?" you ask. You feel suspended in space. Beloveds, you were always suspended in space. You, who are spaceless, are suspended in space. The ground under you never did exist.
The little red hen was in a tizzy, and she exclaimed that the sky was falling. And you, you think something is amiss because your sense of little self is shedding itself and you are emerging into your Greater Self. It was inevitable. It had to happen. You are not falling. That which defines you is falling off. You never needed definition anyway. There is no outline to you any longer.
You are beginning to sense yourself as light. Chakras become real to you. You feel your core of Being as a flame. All your illusion is going up in smoke.

Completion

The day I walked down the aisle in her wedding, I wept not because of happiness, but because of sorrow-I knew our years of friendship would dramatically change now. It would never be the same again. It was selfish of me to think that-I can admit that.

The written word is so much stronger to me than just pure thought alone. Although she will never read this, I need this space for our completion. It is my space, I chose what I want to establish here. I pray it will help manifest the completion sooner, to stop the dull ache in my heart and the tears that sting my eyes in my lone presense. Three weeks and no response, she says she's moving on and she has.

I'm happy of our time together. I'm trying to smile because it happened and not be sad because it's over. Writing love notes to boys in sidewalk chalk, our annual camping trip to the Dells, always applying to the same places so we could work together...those are the things I'll remember the most. I've had a very blessed life with many clsoe friendships-but she was my very best friend-and she knew that.

The worst time of my entire life when Dan tried to kill himself, the times I thought he was dead, the endless aching gut wrenching emotions of somebody depending on you for a reason to live-the time when I was so absorbed in his well being-she was the one who looked out for mine. She's the one who caught me passing out from exhaustion, she's the one who told me I'm worth more than what he can ever dream to give to me.

It took me years to get over what happened-but she was always there, telling me she was so happy I didn't marry him-so am I. I would be a completely different person-things really do happen for a reason. I started to see myself in a different way.

She was supportive through every relationship of mine when every guy treated me like absolute garbage. She tried to make me see, even when I didn't want to, and she loved me and let me cry when I realized she was right.

Back to her wedding day, the toast she made hurt me so much. She would have never met her husband if I wouldn't have been 'so in love' with his roommate. It's ironic that way....she's rejecting me for the very same reason he did: Religion. She knew I had loved him more than any other, and to this day, that is still true. Why bring that up in front of his finacee and family? For him, it was because I didn't grow up going to church. For her, it's because she doesn't accept my personal spiritual journey to Self. It's weird because it's so personal and different for everybody and I feel, should be respected. It's not like I asked for this at all. I didn't ask to be haunted and delighted with messages, images and insights. I didn't ask to understand energy. It just happened. And like not marrying Dan, this too must be happening for a reason, even if I don't know why-and that's the most frustrating part. Is it all worth it?

I must go with what is real and true to me and not somebody else-even if it means she no longer wants me in her life. Even with all our history and memories- I can't turn my back on me.

I thank her for the compassion, beauty, sheer joy, laughter, understanding, humor, strength and companionship in my life in our time together. Maybe it will come around again someday. I wish her dragonflies "all of the days." It is complete and it is what it is. And now, it's time for me to move on too.

2007-A lot of loss... family member, romance and now best friendship. I wonder why this is happening, and I wonder how it will all turn out. I guess all I can do is look ahead. Learning my lesson in starting to understand my worth...it's priceless.

"If you're lost you can look and you will find me, time after time. If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting, time after time."

YES YES YES

This morning was one of those mornings when I just didn't want to get up. My sinuses felt like they were ready to dive through my face and my neck and shoulders were all stiff with probably nothing but toxic cellular junk. Yuck! I had to be to work early for a training session….great. I rolled out of bed and remembered I could wear jeans today for the training session of taking apart appliances and putting them back together. Neat. This is what life has become…. Sick.

My eyes were half closed still when I realized that most of my jeans were still in the washer. DAGGER! I tossed some clothes around trying to find a pair when my eyes hit them….the pair that every girl has stashed in the back of her closet…the 'skinny' jeans. I have never been able to fit into them, but I saw them, beckoning me to just try them on. I did, as a last resort…and THEY FIT!! And not a ‘she really shouldn’t be wearing these squeeze them on fit’ they really fit well! YES!! The only thing that could make this day better would be a massage and a hot date. But, based on how I’m feeling at the moment, I’ll probably snuggle up with some tea and try to fend of the incoming sinus infection.

Awh, I like this....

The clearest state of freedom in terms of relationships is that pure, open, honest communication, with your self and another.

In that relationship, intimacy is beautiful, accepting, humorous, and extraordinarily free because each of you embraces the freedom to be what you are. Each of you shares and loves the total human being. The beautiful traits and the imperfections are all part of the same package.

Balance

I find my soul's mission right now is to learn to re-establish balance in my life again. Balance between being a socialite and a hermit, balance between self and friendship, balance all around.

It's been difficult for me to just "be." I get bored easily, but I've heard being bored is because you are a boring person. Great.

I've come to find by taking care of myself better, I've been able to be there for other's needs more and enjoy my time with my friends much more. It's been nice getting sleep (Thanks melatonin) and catching up on reading and meditating and discovering or awakening the parts of myself I have shut down. There are many parts I had forgotten about and I want those parts back.

I have no idea what my life is preparing me for right now. I just feel more centered and aware of what needs attention, what needs work, now the trick is finding out how to do this. I feel right now is about beautiful friendships that help me grow spiritually and in my self awareness and empathy. It's also about taking the time to figure out what I want in a romantic partner and what I deserve and what I clearly don't. I like this. It's nice to just "be," to be free and know that letting go and being open to change is all I need to do.

Lights Will Guide You Home

Today I had a really nice experience with a friend I recently met. I had emailed out a mass email today in hopes of finding a renter for the place.

She responded by telling me that she will send it out and visualize happy new renters enjoying the space, and also said she'll be holding a space for me as I go through everything that I am right now. My skin is breaking out like crazy and so much stuff is coming up to the surface. As I make these changes, I know this will happen....it's the darkness before the dawn...transition.

I was chatting to my brother about it and I was telling him I didn't understand, I was eating much better, taking care of myself and all the while my skin keeps getting worse. He told me, that stuff is inside you and it has to be released somehow. I guess that makes sense. Here's to clearing....

While I was reading the email from my friend, I heard Coldplays' "Fix You," in my head. I have to admit, I just had a little emotional moment. That song has special meaning to me. Last year my sister's dance team did a flashlight dance to that song and it really got to me emotionally. "Lights Will Guide You Home." That was the last time I saw my Grandpa alive.

It gives me faith, it makes me remember that we can't do everything on our own and reaching out, although scary, helps us and it helps others. That email really turned my day around and I think it shows that when things get intense or sticky, having a support group is super important. I guess I'm just a really lucky girl. I know this to be true.

Let Go

Lose yourself
Escape from the black cloud that surrounds you
Then you will see your own light,
as radiant as the full moon.
~Rumi

I must be capable of looking at you,
not through barriers, screens of my prejudices and conditioning.
I must be in communion with you,
which means I must love you.
~J. Krishnamurti

Another part of letting go is to slow down and make friends with whatever feelings and emotions arise-neither making a story out of them, forcing their expression, nor pushing them away. You just stay with them and let them unwind. In many ways letting go is to let go of holding back, of running away; it's about staying connected, opening up, being real, and dropping all the masks. When you can let someone see your tears, your hurt, your sadness, the beauty, you naturally enter the flow of loving, giving, receiving. The heart opens, the body resonant.
~Charlotte Kasl

Totally Boring...

My brother sent me this article about the power of intention and diet. I found it pretty interesting, don't know if it's true, but it makes sense to me.

I've read "The Secret" and personally I think it's an extremely simplifed version so the general public can get the idea of Quantum Physics. Anyway, I know personally when I eat like this, and especially when I did the raw juice fast, I had never felt better.

http://www.newstarget.com/021970.html

On another note, I wish my car loved storms as much as I do, but she decided to object and quit working today. Hopefully it'll be a quick fix. Man! Where's my prince charming? Oh yeah, that's right...it's me!!

Nicely Done

I went to bed semi-early for me at 11:30 last night. I was so tired from getting little sleep over the weekend and then staying up to watch the meteor showers on Sunday night. I woke up right before the storm hit from a dream that right now escapes me. I’ve been waiting for an awesome storm like that all summer! As long as severe weather is not harmful to anything, I love it. I sat on my bed and watched the lightening illuminate the sky and the thunder boomed and the rain drowned out the night, it was beautiful. Nice job mother nature, nice to see you again.

The joys of the office

My coworker got a call from a California woman who was concerned that her stove was beeping. After my co worker asked her many questions about her oven, she finally figured out that the range top was actually “clicking” because the burners were not igniting right away. The customer then asked if there was a ‘Safer Way’ to get the flame going. Again, my co worker was very confused and after more questions, figured out that the customer had got the burner to light and left it on all day, even when she left the house. WTF PEOPLE??? Obviously, the unit isn’t functioning properly and she needs a service call, but the bright customer just decided to leave the burner unattended all day. This proves to me two things:

1.Trophy wives do exist, because who else would marry someone with little common sense and wit.
2.I need a new job asap.


On a sad note, my other co worker’s grandma died last night. Sad, it’s triggering a lot of feelings from when my grandpa passed away in February. I was at his grave this past weekend, it still doesn’t seem real.

Her Tower

All her life, she held a little too tightly to the illusions she thought she needed,
unknowingly shadowed by all that surrounded her.

Hidden inside a false reflection of biased apprehension, she bound herself inside a tower, only to look out when the stars reflected over the pond.

As the storms crashed, she began to enjoy the lightening concluded with a huge raucous of thunder. Destiny brought it to her every time she asked for a sign.

She turned away as she began to fear the storms. Back into herself, but illuminating love. This is all she knew.

They began to appear to teach her to look inside as she chased the iridescent dragonfly's wings of change. And she heard unfamiliar thoughts. She turned around and realized the illusion of false imprisonment and recognized her own light. Who will see me shining? She wondered.

She pushed open the gate without strain and let go. She then knew that love was greater than fear and smiled her smile.

Peices of the Puzzle

It seems to me that relationships are a lot like putting together a puzzle.

My grandmother taught me to always put together the frame first. It's a solid foundation to build on and where all the fun stuff connects. Without the frame peices, you really have no support and you start to build of off random peices of nothing that don't make sense yet.

Once the frame is established you start to fill in the middle area. There are many different peices. Sometimes you come across a peice or entire section that fits effortlessly and blends in beautifully with the picture. You don't have to rearrange or spend a lot of time and effort making these peices fit. The connection is simple.

Then you come across a peice that doesn't fit no matter how hard you try to jam it in. You spend tons of time and effort, short of super gluing the peice in. You are positive it will just fit with a bit more manual manipulation. Sometimes you have to walk away for a bit, and when you come back, you realize all you had to do was turn it the other way and it fits perfectly. Sometimes you have to laugh at yourself when you realize this peice got mixed up from another puzzle box, and needs to go back to where it came from because it doesn't fit with the puzzle you are currently working on.

A lot of times, peices come damaged. The coating is torn off, the edge is broken. You think, if only this peice wasn't broken it would fit perfectly. With tender loving care, the peice can usually be worked into the whole puzzle. Sometimes it may have to go through an entire new process of renewal before it will fit. But the beautiful thing is that a space is saved for this peice, because only that specific peice will fit in the spot intended for it.

A lot of times peices go MIA. It's almost unexplainable. Maybe it was dropped on the floor or maybe it just hightailed it out of there in your dog's mouth or something. Anyway, no matter how hard we want the puzzle to be complete, without this peice, we feel an abscense. It's impossible to find another peice that fits, unless you handcraft a new one. Most of the time, the missing peices will turn up again. Maybe it's a year later in a couch cushion, or you just randomly come across it on the kitchen floor. A lot of times the peices are returned to you worse for the ware, because they've been stepped on, abused and out of sorts. That's because the peice was everywhere but where it truly needed to be: in the puzzle. But like the damaged peices, there is a space where it belongs and always will.

Relationships are like building a puzzle. Without all the people in your life that you need, it is incomplete. You can try and try to fit other peices into it, but the peices that truly belong will find the way back to the space that they need to be in. Trust that. I do.

My best call yet!

Today I had a customer call in to see if he could change his refrigerator into a wine unit. WHAT?

Conversation:“I can’t get my refrigerator to go above 42 degrees.”
“That’s because the thermostat and control board are regulated for that unit to be set between 34-42 degrees. You can’t change that.”
“I want to turn my fridge into a wine unit.”
“What?”
“I want to make it a huge wine storage and set it at 55 degrees.”
“That isn’t possible; our wine units have a completely different sealed system and control board.”
“There isn’t a way for the technician to change that?”

“No.”“I don’t believe you.”OK then….At this point I transferred him to our company tech because I couldn’t even handle it. I’m going to call Cannon tonight to see if I can turn my digital camera into a digital video camera. I’m also going to call Oldsmobile to see if I can get my Alero to turn into a hybrid.

I am ready now

This weekend I participated in a workshop at Tibia massage school. It was a workshop based in Foundations of Healing, where the format produced a space to heal and let go and transform. It was probably one of the most moving experiences in my life. I really feel like a new woman after this weekend.

There were so many things in my life that have been hurting so much lately. I know now that the events have led up to this transformation and healing. I know now I needed that last push away to heal myself and start moving in a new direction.

I went into the workshop with a stuck mentality, a negative attitude and complete skeptism. The facilitator is intuitive and with all the mixed messages I've been getting with that stuff lately, I wasn't looking forward to it. I know now its because it is exactly what I needed, and my negative ego/personality traits were drawing me away from healing and figuring it all out. I needed to find a balance and I think I found that this weekend.

The group was very diverse, which made it great. After we filled out worksheets about our greatest fears, what we were afraid of having and the like, it was really interesting to see common patterns in my life come up for me. This upset me, because now that I was becoming aware, I just wanted to FIX everything and DO something and make it all ok. I learned to surrender. It creates a space instead of trapping it.

We did an exercise where the facilitator intuitively selected music to assist us with just allowing emotions and messages come to the surface. I again needed to "test" myself and I asked for a message in the next song for me. There has been something on my mind constantly, and the the song that played was exactly what I needed to hear to let it go. It was amazing, and I was like wow, I knew that was for me. After that, I asked her why it is so hard to let go, and she said that the song was for me, and that I shouldn't take it literally, but just know there is healing occuring and it is exactly as it should be, which I needed to hear.

We did an exercise where we had to practice being present in the moment. It was awful. We had to take turns with each person in the class and just keep eye contact and not say ANYTHING..and just be present and notice what comes up. This taught me the most about myself. I was so extremely uncomfortable. I noticed all my insecurities come out and reminded myself how I look away a lot when I'm talking with somebody because it produces so much emotion for me. When I was paired up with one of my best friends, we just cried and cried. We are such a mirror for each other, and there comes a point in everyone's life where we just have to realize how connected we all are, no matter what drama comes up or what occurs in our relationships. The realization that there is so much more than meets the eye. We can avoid it time and time again, and there it will be, back in our face to deal with.

I went home feeling pretty great. There was a girl in the class that wasn't grasping anything about what was happening, and I was able to relate it to her in a way she understood. It was awesome.


The second day was by far the most amazing. We did another intuitive music session. Now, music has always been important in my life, but somewhere along the line I lost my voice. I'm a singer, and I get scared to sing, I get shy. I don't know how/why this happened. The facilitator said this music was going to be a lot more emotionally charged than yesterday's. I was doing pretty well keeping things in check, but then a few songs really triggered some deep emotions inside of me, but it's what I needed to hear for there to be a clearing, for those emotions to be triggered, so they can be cleared away and figured out.

The most profound moment came when there was patriotic music playing and I heard my grandpa that passed away that I need to sing more again. I used to sing the national anthem in high school and college, so it was pretty fitting. I wrote down on my paper, "Do what you LOVE, sing." The facilitator then came over and told me to go over and sit by my friend and SING. I couldn't believe it. That's how I know this was coming from such a sacred, beautiful place. We sang the next song together and cried through it, but it was so great to have found our voices again, and we needed each other to do it. It was incredible. It was so healing and so amazing.

I got lots of advice about my confusion lately and learned the difference between getting messages and signs from somebody's higher self and what it presently occuring. That cleared up pretty much everything for me, and I was just able to let go and just be and pay attention to theses patterns and emotions coming up. We talked so much as a group about just life and everything and AHHH it was just so incredible. I've never felt so free and something HUGE lifted out of my solar plexus and I feel a million times lighter, I feel myself. I feel connected. It was interesting because when we've done reiki, a friend of mine noticed that block in me, and he tried to move it, and it helped, but I was the one who had to do it for myself and let it go.

At the end of the workshop we just shared some more of what we were feeling. When my friend and I were singing, the girl who didn't "get this" had a lot of stuff come up and felt we were singing for her. We were singing for us....but were we really??? She needed to hear that too, and well the space was created for it. Beautiful.

I've learned so much this weekend about myself and others. I think the biggest thing I've learned is that as humans, we all face the same insecurities, anxieties, blissful moments, etc...they just manifest and play out in different ways. It is great to get to the level of just being real with someone, which I felt really occured this weekend. It was great because all that was facilitated was a space to heal and learn, we did it all on our own...we weren't told anything. It was genuine. It was love. And I feel my connection again. And I've realized how I made mistakes always wanting to fix everything for everyone. I was able to be honest and kind with myself and recognize it. I'm human, we all are, we make mistakes. It happens.

I don't think I've ever been at a better place than I am right now. I needed this weekend. It was truly transformational. A lot of times I think we don't want to admit there are things we need to work on with ourselves and hide it in so many different ways, whether it be staying really busy or drinking and drugs or whatever. But I learned this weekend once you can acknowledge that part of yourself and feel it and use the tools presented to help yourself, clearing it out is much easier than I thought.

The last song she played before we left was actually a song I used to sing with my two best friends all the time when we led the church praise team. I couldn't believe it. It's not a popular song and I knew it was for me to remember that people come in and out of our lives for a reason, but we are always connected. I just needed that reminder. Life is beautiful, it really really is. It's really important to get clear with yourself. I'm happy to be on my way and learning ways to do so and have such amazing supportive relationships around me to have created this space.

Connection

I was out and about last night, at a Bon Jovi/Guns and Roses tribute band concert, of all places!! But I was with my favorite boys in the world and we had a blast!! I saw this lady with a beautiful dragonfly tattoo on her back, almost in the exact location I want to get mine. I kept staring at her, thinking there could be a lot of meaning or no meaning at all in seeing this dragonfly. So I did what I felt I should do. I went up to her and told her I loved her tattoo. She and I stared at each other and she just gave me a huge hug. It was like we just “knew” something that nobody else in that room did. I’ve never met this person before, but it was just an awesome moment. One of those moments, either sent by the Divine, or probably just random coincidence. Either way, it was inspiring to know in one way or another, we are all connected.

Life is a Theater-Invite Your Audience Carefully

My supervisor at work is like an older brother to me, he is probably the most amazing person I have ever met. He came over here from Senegal, has six siblings and is a black belt instructor in Tae Kwon Do. He's fluent in three languages and just won the national championship in Tae Kwon Do on a sprained hamstring and ankle. I really look up to him and today he came up to me and handed me a couple of things he found that reminded me him of me.

Not only am I amazed at his accomplishments, I'm amazed more so of how much he cares about other people and does whatever he can to help and to inspire others. He told me he's been where I am at, and any time I need someone to talk to, he's there.

This is the hand out he gave to me and I thought it was really great...

Life is a Theater-Invite Your Audience Carefully

Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of, or at least minimize, your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships/friendships.

Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention. Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or dont' really understand, know or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life. "If you cannot 'change' the people around you, change the people you're around."
~Author Unknown

I've began a new meditation practice that has been very beneficial. It's about learning to meditate on your breath, only focusing on the present moment. By not living in the past or future, I feel is really going to help me focus on what I need to, and everything else will naturally fall into place. It's hard work looking within, but worth it.

Uncertainty

Fever burns through my veins as if nothing can quench the insatiable longing to calm me.

She apparated through a soul connection long promised but forgotten by the conscious mind. The recognition was not instant, although her golden elixr glittered patiently for me to remember her.

She soothed me as I drank her in while watching over my right shoulder. Intertwined by threads that I didn't understand until my third eye seared with her images-one in the same. Nobody will understand this.

A constant longing from my soul to know more guided this journey to fuse the connection of worlds seemingly apart. Wake Up.

Reality obscured as co-existing planes collided under one truth that couldn't be guided in tandem-Push Me Away.

Open my eyes to something distracting to release the memories of our eyes first meeting from this embedded wound and turn it into something disengaging that I no longer know.

Paralyzed within myself they leave me to fall so I will know my worth, but the proper move escapes me. Turning inward I breathe-and from the very depths of human connection, I know you saw me there.

I was cut on the jagged edges of chains protecting wounds not yet healed from what is not forgiven. I stare in wonder at myself in a pattern cycling through the world in which understanding fades into the mist filtering through my blood and my third eye shuts. I question why I feel I should care. It is something beyond what I can understand and wrap tangibly into a neat Pandora's Box.

I look up and remember I have been here before. The thickness of the air chokes me as it grows more unfamiliar and uncomfortable. It penetrates my lungs as it hardens my heart. Reclusive inside-everything burns until no tears can soothe. The mask tries so hard to betray Me, but I'm still a silent warrior.

Balance the karma as my life's greatest lesson to allow the seed to grow without gouging my fingernails in to dig it up. Allow it to be. Cut the cord of connections and focus within until I feel my heart beating to my own unconditional love. Nobody will understand this. Allow it to be.

Totally Emo

Recent life events have forced me to break out of my comfort zone and re evaluate everything in my life. It has been one thing after another that has turned everything I have known to be "true" for the past few years into complete chaos.

A new journey has begun, and off in the wind I go. Time to find out what is true for me, and not for everybody else. I love everyone who has taught me something and been in my life. I will take it all with me, I promise, but I want to stop living how everybody tells me to do so.

Here's to new beginnings. A complete destruction has happend so that new things can be constructed. Here's to the ups, the downs and finding my worth. I promise I'll come visit!

"You can trust the overall perfection of whatever is happening and say, 'I claim the perfection and the re-ordering that is in process. I exercise my choices for upliftment, learning and growth. I choose to re-unite myself into the consciousness of perfection.' I can look at spilled milk and appreciate it as a mosaic, a piece of art. I can see the beauty.- John Morton

Mother Frackin Frack!

About every six weeks to two months, I get this insatiable urge to chain smoke and just have these deep conversations about life. Of course for me, chain smoking means three cigs and I'm out, but there is just something about sitting on a balcony free to discuss your mind and feelings. Yeah, its one of my many weird twisty personality things.

Today's topic: How people are such a product of their surroundings. People are a product of only what they know. Hey!! Derka Derka Doooo...no surprise there, any idiot could come up with that conclusion. But taking it a step farther...what makes a person say, "Enough. There has got to be more out there."

Some people can sit their whole lives being perfectly content with settling for what is put in front of them. I am not one of those people. Take religion for example: it's a product of our surroundings. What made one person say one day, "Well, I think this will be this, and that will be that and everyone will believe it and we'll call it a day." Most major religions have one or more certain deity and a set of "rules." While most of these rules are codes of ethics and morals, at the same time it can almost be looked at as a way of manipulation. If everyone were to follow these "rules" it would be a perfect society. And how shall we scare the kids? Damnation to hell. It doesn't add up. But depending what your family believes, where in the world you grow up, you usually have this set of beliefs you just follow, because it is all you know.

Religion is an easy example. But if you really think about it, there is so much information out there that is either kept from the general public or we just do not have access to. Quantum Physics...such and amazing subject, so many incredible mind boggling concepts, but most people cannot wrap their minds around it because they are so conditioned to believe in what society tells them. It is a shame.

I feel like half the people my age don't even vote because no matter what they think the government is corrupt and they don't care who leads the way. I mean if both sides are so incredibly vindictive, pointing the finger at the other...than what is the point? I can see that mindset, and well that sucks too. It is a incredible what people are conditioned to believe. Almost to the point of the general population thinking it is impossible to make a true difference.

So what makes people say "Enough" and want to step outside the box and discover what is out there. Is it some major turn of events, an internal drive, or just plain curiosity? It's probably different for every individual. I know for me, my life's "fuck ups" have led me down some amazing paths to the most incredible journeys for my higher good. Logic is only what we know. Imagine how much information is out there that hasn't been "proven" or is too outside the box to understand. But imagine if society was more open to it. Nothing is impossible in my opinion. Well, maybe marrying Nick Lachey is, but you know what I mean.

Well, that's my rant for the day. Thanks for listening folks.

When Does Being Intuitve Become Harmful To Living Life?

So I see and feel and can communicate with Angels, Guides, Those Passed On, Whatever…cool. I know this happened to me so I would have my own personal “proof” that this does exist. There is life after death, there is a God/All Knowing Energy and there is access to communicate with everything if you are open to it. I’ve had crazy metaphysical experiences and honestly, it is kinda cool to have that ability. At first I was scared to death and I slept over at my parent’s house for two weeks straight because I felt my condo was “haunted” or something or other. Then by chance I met a lot more people that this was just starting to happen to as well. We found comfort in our joint “craziness” and it was nice not to be alone. My Intuition has been validated a million times over by both people I know and don’t know. It’s pretty much right on and I’ve trusted it.

This weekend I had the experience of someone believing that I was using that to manipulate him. This hurt me to the core. All I try to do is help the best way I know how. I don’t think anybody truly understands what it is like to have this happen to you until it happens. I just say what I see and feel. It could possibly be true that there is a filter on it, but I don’t think so. The reason why I don’t think that is because others have told me the same things that I have seen. Some people that don’t even know anything about the situation…so where does that come from? There is sometimes information that comes through that could, in my opinion, be harmful because people need to figure things out on their own, including myself. There are things I think that come through that I am not supposed to know sometimes. Everything can be changed because of free will. That’s the confusion/beauty of it all.

Regardless, I feel like I lost a person who not only did I really care about, I only wanted to help and in the mess of things it got miscommunicated and became a mess. So when does being Intuitve become harmful to just living life? I guess the answer is right now. I think its one thing to have the ability and use it occasionally, but I don’t need to make a career out of this. I’ve been told by others I have an amazing ability to heal and communicate to bring comfort to loved ones with the passing of their family/friends. I know this to be true…I just really don’t tell people or talk about that, but I have done it over and over again, and it has all been validated by that family member I have talked to. I’m glad to bring peace to people and help them find comfort in those situations. But I don’t like losing friends. There is nothing I can do about that I suppose. It seems like the cost of this is too much.

I feel because I’m getting these “warning alarms” going off in my life about all this stuff, I feel like taking a big step back and just concentrating on the present moment. I think that is what I best and healthiest for me to do. I had dinner with an old friend last night. He said, “It’s nice to have the old J back, you’ve been getting a little weird lately.” Yeah, maybe I have been a little weird. It’s time to get back to self and figure out why all this has happened. Everything that happens shows you something, even if it’s a bitch of a lesson. I miss my old self too. The girl that didn’t worry about the future, and had fun every moment of her life. It seems this path isn’t working for me anymore. I have my proof, it exists-now what?

"Dese are MY Apprles"

Well, we kinda sorta not really made it through the cleanse. Yesterday when we tried the straight olive oil portion of the cleanse, it resulted in yacking, soooo Lance and I said enough of this, we're getting food. haha! Jessie was a trooper and downed the olive oil and lemon juice.

Overall, the results were great! My body certainly released a lot of toxins. For the first time in months my sinuses are clear, my skin is better and I feel a lot better on the whole. I highly advised in a raw juice fast, it has great benefits.

I got the emotional cleanse I needed too. Prompted by an unexpected twist of fate yesterday that led to a complete crying breakdown, which apparently my body needed. It was ridiculous, I couldn't stop crying, even when my roommate was dancing around in her underwear I was laughing and crying at the same time. It was an on again off again all day thing. My eyes look like Rocky today, but I feel a whole lot better to get all that emotional residue out of my body.

So here I am, ready to start a new. I feel great and I feel confident life is going to offer wonderful and new opportunites. I can't control what has happened, all I can do is move forward and shine on.

I have apple breath

We made it to day three of the cleanse. So far, so good. It's been two days of nothing but raw apple juice and water. Surprisingly I felt a lot better than I have in a really long time. My body feels lighter, I have more clarity and toxins are seeping out and poisoning my blood. Awesome.

I felt super until tonight. It was a bit rough but we did some trampoline jumping to get the lymph nodes moving. That felt amazing. Tomorrow we start the cassia disks...here's to pooping!!

I've been doing some research today about emotional cleansing and I think it will work great in tandem with the physical cleanse we are doing. I'm planning on adding the emotional cleanse tomorrow. Here's to releasing all physical and mental toxic build up in my body.

I'll let you all know how it goes. By Sunday I will be ready for a HUGE greek salad. MMMM!!! I can already feel my body resetting itself for a much healthier diet. It's great to have Lance and Jessie for support as we allow this cleanse to manifest new positive changes and inspirations.

Lunch With My First Love

My mom called me the other day to say that she found a book of mine from when I was in jr. high in the basement. She was laughing because it said, "I love Shaun forever" on it. Oh first loves....how sweet, innocent and pure.

I was just talking about him the other day to some of my girlfriends while we were reminiscing on past relationships. I felt he was the one boy I really truly just loved. It was beautiful because it was so innocent. We really just loved being with each other.

Yesterday, I randomly found my first love on myspace on my high school page. Ah myspace, the destiny of souls. He lives in Turkey and he is a paratrooper for the US army, head of his division. I had not talked to him in almost ten years, and there he was, after two conversations about him a few days earlier. How bizzare. The Law of Attraction.

We found each other at the right time because he will be in the states visiting for a month and we have a lunch date. I'm so excited to catch up with an old friend. It just goes to show you the power of the Universe.

Prepping for the Big Cleanse

Soooo

My roommate and my brother and I got this grand idea to do a gallbladder cleanse from the Sundiet book. We are starting tomorrow. It is basically five days of nothing but raw apple juice with a few side items such as olive oil and lemon juice thrown in.

Apparently, the gallbladder can store at any one time between 300-1500 "eggs" of toxic build up, ranging in size from a pepper seed to a brazil nut. This is going to be so awesome, disgusting, and sickening, all at the same time. Seeing that come out of one's body can't be pleasant, but it will be sooooooo cool to get it out.

Here's to new beginings...physical, mental and spirtual.

GOALS For July

1. Magnified Healing Meditation Daily

2. LET GO-If it's truly part of my Personal Legend and for my Highest Good, I have nothing to fear.

3. Be present in the moment.

4. Exercise Daily

5. Smile through it all

Universe 1, Jess 0

It's amazing...this thing called life. I've learned a big lesson in letting go. Time to stop wanting to control and figure it all out on my own. Sometimes you just need to let go and let it happen. Sometimes the more you push, the harder the pull.

I've been thinking about my photography lately and how much I want to get back into it. It's a passion of mine, capturing images in a magical moment.

I've also been thinking about massage school and how badly I want to go, but how I'm not able to afford it with my mortgage.

Well, today something really 'boring' happened. It appears the massage school needs a photographer, and I'm able to do my work in exchange for taking classes there. It will at least get me through the two introductory programs and from then on out, I know it will all work itself out. I get to get back to my passion while learning a new trade. The best part is that I learned today they have an entire program/healing space at the school for intuitives, like me!! So now, not only will I be around people that don't think I'm crazy, they will actually encourage and support me and also understand what is is like to be clairvoyant.


Thanks Universe! Love you!

From Heaven's Letters

Beautiful soul, all you can be is a beautiful soul. There is nothing else you can be. You will know this when you are no longer attached to all the trappings of the world. When you put the trappings aside, that's when you will come out of the cocoon of your own making, the tangled web you have woven of yourself. When all the extraneous paraphernalia is gone, what can be left but your soul resplendent in all its beauty? The soul of you has meaning and never wears out. This is the true you. Anything else is just sleight of hand, a façade, a dissemblance. No matter how skilled in the world you are, this is true. This is true no matter how unskilled in the world you are as well.
You believed that the world was everything, and that you were nothing, a drop in the bucket, a dime a dozen, simply a laborer tolerated on Earth, often not seen, not acknowledged, not considered, not of much significance really, so you thought.
And, yet, through it all, you are most significant to Me, and now I ask you to be significant to yourself. Don't believe what the world tells you because the world does not know your worth. The world has kidnapped your belief in yourself and hidden it somewhere. The world has tried to convince you that you are only the masses, and you were convinced. You didn't give up your soul, but you gave up on its importance. You began to feel that your soul and its worth were the fairy tale instead of the world. Of course, you and the world have it all backward.
Life in the world is valuable, as valuable as you, and yet the world has not been valuing itself either. A world that values itself would not have wars. It would not have frenzy of any kind. The world has neither valued itself, so how could it value you?
Now I exhort you to value yourself and the shining gold that you are made of. Don't believe the mirrors you look into. Do not believe in the indictments of the world. Believe in Me, beloveds, and believe in you.Let's believe, and let's not pretend.
That which you call reality, or the hard facts of life, are the pretense. Isn't it strange that you hide yourself from the greatest of Truths, and accept the shallowest of fiction? I am saying that you, a magnificent soul, were birthed from Heaven to shine your glory. You are not tinsel, beloveds. You are the real thing. Any analysis of you that is less than pure gold is mistaken. You are the bright star that shines in My heart. Why is this so hard to believe?
You believe anything anyone tells you. You believe it fervently. Yet it is not so easy for you to believe what I tell you. Believe or not, accept. Come from this vantage: You are worthy. You are most worthy. You are worth everything except the punishment and devaluation you put yourself through.
Here you are, sitting on the throne of the universe, and you think you are homeless, sleeping on a curb.
Your perception is off, beloveds. You forgot Who you were. You forgot all about it. You may even think it's absurd to think you are anything more than the physical outline of you and the accumulation of habits and false prophets.
I extol you to believe in Me, and to believe what I say, so that you may believe in yourself. Never mind other people's distorted view of you. Begin to see yourself clearly now, and you will see others the same. You are a mighty shining soul. Accept this true appraisal of yourself, and make it your own.

2007

On my drive into work this morning I was thinking about 2007 thus far. It dawned on me that this really has been a tough year, and up until this realization today, I had only chose to focus on the positives. Does this mean I live in denial? Or am I just eternally optimistic?

The year started off with a bang. On NYE a friend and I kissed-I was thinking there was potential and I thought he was thinking the same-but the night ended up with me walking home in my stilettos and no coat-seems to the trend of 2007. It wasn’t meant to be and that is wonderful, because I’ve realized we are much better off as just friends.

Adam Pascal lit my candle at the end of January and I was pretty sure I could not have felt any more euphoric. Life seemed to be really falling into place. I had lost my job back in November and I finally had been hired at a new job that paid well.

The night after Adam Pascal I met someone that I had the most undeniable connection with. The night we kissed, my grandpa died. It was one of those times where I was experiencing so many emotions; I didn’t know what was what. I was grieving and falling for someone-a pretty strange combination.

I realize that my grandpa’s death is something that will not be easy to get over and it will take a long time. It still doesn’t seem real and there are still moments of raw emotion where I just don’t believe it is true. But life goes on, with or without you.

I met new people in March that provided an instant friendship, beautiful connections. But is seems they are all not staying that way. Sometimes there is nothing you can do.

At the end of March, I had another walk home alone in stilettos-this time I felt I had lost something that never had a chance to begin. I was sad, upset, angry and frustrated. You can’t make somebody love you and you can’t change anybody’s mind-no matter how much you want to or how much you care. It just doesn’t matter.

Since then, it’s just been a few months of feeling out of sorts. I gave my dog to a family that could take better care of her and had more time for her. Last night I had a dream about her and the truth is that I really miss her a lot. Giving her away was one of the most difficult days of 2007, and again, I did it alone. I really miss her and it hurts so much. I’d give anything for a little Gracie snuggle up time.

I know clearing out things in your life makes way for new and exciting things. I’m holding on to faith that this is true. I know by these things happening it has show me that the only person you can truly trust and rely on is yourself-and that is a great lesson to have learned. I have learned that the clouds are always darkest just before the brightest dawn. Time to let go and let it be. I don't feel sorry for myself, I just feel I'm ready for something new.

It's Only a Story

I work in customer service for a very high end appliance company. Most of the people who call me each and every day have more money than I could see in a lifetime, and everyone's problems are just "horrible" according to them.

These problems can range anywhere from hundreds of thousands of dollars in wine spoiling because their wine storage went out to fingerprints on the stainless steel finish. Naturally, I get paid to be empathetic to these people, but most of the times I just want to scream, "Shut the frack up!! Do you even KNOW what its like to have a real problem, or an important issue to deal with?" Obviously I have those feelings more toward the Beverly Hills Housewives that call to complain about fingerprints and the refrigerator door not shutting on it's own than the people who call with a genuine problem, but all and all toward the end of the day, I'm tired of it and don't care anymore.

The point is, people just want to be heard. They want to know that you hear them regardless of what you may be going through at the time. It's a basic human need. It doesn't matter what your "story" is....the guy you like doesn't even see you, you're broke, you're having problems with friendships...whatever it is...it's just a story. How long must I cling to my "story?" Does anyone even hear me? It seems the more I want my story to be heard, the less people care or listen. Maybe I really don't communicate clearly.

It's time to just let it go. A story is just a story...but the way you choose to read it is what matters. Will I read it with care and concern? With tears and frustration? Or will I laugh and giggle and make sound effects and funny faces while I read it?

It may just be a story. But it's your story. Read it to others how you'd want it to be read to you.

The Ego v The Self

I've recently begun a new meditation practice called "Pure Love Magnified Healing." It promises amazing things, but of course I am skeptical of anything that isn't "proven" to me or does not completely resonate with me intuitively.

During the meditation session, there is a time frame for "absentee healing" where, if you have permission from another person's higher self, you may send them healing energy. I attempted to do this with myself and another person I care about deeply. While I was sending healing, loving energy to the situation, I heard a voice say clearly, "He will NEVER love you. You will never find anyone who will love you and stay with you." I immediately knew this was a lower vibrational energy, because the words were abrupt, harsh and rushed. I felt upset and I asked, "Is this the ego?" I let the answer come to me and it was an immediate "yes."

I was certainly confused because my basic understanding of the ego had always been a generalized feeling of "I'm so great, or I can heal the world" or whatever may be of an "egotistical" type energy. I had no idea that the ego was also many other things: fear, self doubt, low sense of self esteem, confusion, etc. I talked about this with my mentor and I was validated in my feelings. The ego presents itself in many forms, but it is always to grab your attention away from ascension and progress in a positive direction. Why would the ego want you to give into what is good for you? It made sense to me..

This opened up a new can of worms for me, making me feel like I needed to analyze and figure out every little thing about this, but really, I don't need to. My soul, my higher self, knows what I need and what I desire. I don' t need to keep falling back into the same pattern of my ego of doubt and fear. Love is greater than fear. The love for one's Self is always greater than fear or "the ego." It's just that you have to trust it, and then the ego comes in, making you trust anything but yourself. It can keep continuing in a big, ugly and frustrating circle. Becoming aware of your ego and what it does in my opinion, is one of the biggest steps in one's spiritual path.

I am human. Of course my ego will continue to get in the way, but it is great to be aware of why this happens and to become more educated in what I can do to learn from it. The journey to one's true Self is different for everyone, each path unique, but each path right for each person that is brave enough and willing to take it.

Today, spending time with beautiful souls by the lake with butterflies literally landing on us during our conversations was magical. It's amazing how when we really need it or want it, we find people along the way that make our paths a bit more recognizable and easier. Those souls who bring out best in us, and we bring out the best in them is what love is. It is through this love, that we find out and remember who we truly are.

"Get up and free yourself from yourself.

Locked up inside you,
like the calm beneath castles,
is a cavern of treasures that
no one has been to.
Let's go digging.
Bring it out to take you back in."

Personal Growth

I think I made some huge strides tonight in my realm of personal growth. It's a beautiful thing and I think this time I'm going to come out on the other side of this much more aware. Life can get sticky, but if you can come to understand your emotions it really helps to manifest new great things in your life. More to come later, I'm super de duper de tired!

Love Love Love

Love Love Love

Channeled from Akeeya’s Gallery Session

“Please be a great example of love to each other. Please be more patient and honest. If you cease to love each other we have a more difficult task. Understand each other. You all have a significant impact on the people around you.
Some are stubborn, they refuse to allow themselves to be loved-you can allow yourselves to be loved without fear. Love without fear. You all expect love to be an exchange of energy-but often times those who love you have not developed the skill to exchange as you do. Each of you will learn to love without fear. Fear is attached to failure-there is no such thing as failure in love. If you are genuine in your expressions of love, what do you have to fear? Be who you are, it is the best foundation for love. Do not postpone love because of fear. You who do not fear love embrace the truth. Love requires self sacrifice. To love unconditionally requires at times the removal of Self. This is not to deny who you are-to love someone unconditionally you must be able to embrace them fully. If you feel unlovable it is because you have been conditioned to believe this. Rejection does not believe you are unlovable.

True Love does not reject. True love does not dwell on only the physical. What is the fingerprint of love you are leaving? How many of you have hidden from love? Do not allow yourself to continue to believe that bad is acceptable. You are acceptable.”




Beautiful indeed….so much easier said than done. In my feelings, something to aspire to for sure.

Yellow Butterfly Underwear=Inspiration

Ch Ch Ch Changes.....

My Trifecta girls are back in town and not a moment too soon. It had been a trying weekend, and I was ready for some chatty chat time and therapy session. My roommate is a counselor, so it's wonderful to get her perspective on things. It's even better cuz she runs around in her underwear: this time it was yellow butterflies.

I had sent an email earlier today to a beautiful friend who helped me to see what the core of some of my issues were, which was AMAZINGLY helpful! It helped to see things through her eyes and to get a new insight. Now that I knew where some of these "helper" systematic beliefs were coming from, I needed a game plan.

I've been feeling blue because I have all these goals and thing I want to do but no real game plan. It seems like I have a knack for figuring things out for everyone but myself, which is incredibly frustrating. I think deep down I feel like I didn't deserve the time and patience it took to find these things out for myself. It was equally disturbing to hear Akeeya tell me that somewhere along the way I picked up the belief that I am not lovable, which I knew to be true deep down, I just didn't want to admit it. This was about the time my skin starting breaking out as well. Physical manifestation of the emotional aspects. Boggling.

So yellow underwear helped me to make a game plan. First we thought of an intention. Since I want to get over this "helper" mentality we settled on this: "Give me the inspiration, power, insight, knowledge, determination and motivation to make the decisions in my life that are good for me right now and will benefit me in the future."

We also decided to make a "worry" box where we write them down and then at the end of the week we will burn it outside. This exercise really worked well for me at a seminar where we did that with self limiting beliefs.

Tonight was wonderful. The truth is, sometimes we need help in figuring out the root of our issues, and it's so great to get another's perspective on what you may not see. So tomorrow I start with my new plan. It will be very tiny baby steps, but at least I know I'm moving forward. It's so wonderful to have amazing, supportive and beautiful friends.