Today, something really amazing happened. A patient told me that my voice makes a difference to him. I remember having to SING those words to a room full of my classmates before I could graduate from TIBIA and BELIEVE IT!! AHHH!!!! Talk about an emotional day. YUCK!!! The interesting thing I thought of today is the difference between believing something and being something. If you believe something to be true, it doesn't mean you are always BEING it. BEING is what creates a difference for others. Nine months after saying those words, they are finally repeated back to me. I have become my voice makes a difference. Little did I think that some 77 year old man in Sun Prairie would be the one to tell me that back when I first spoke those words. It's interesting to see that life takes us on amazing journeys, never knowing who we are going to touch. He told me that my voice makes him happy and it makes his day better. Who knows what that change of me finally being a difference will make on other people...even if it is little...it is a step in the direction of what I am creating in this lifetime.
On my hike today, I thought about all the guys I've dated. I thought about the lessons from each relationship and how none of them honored who I am. I realized that in the past I have truly rejected myself, so how in the world would I attract someone who would not reject me? I firmly believe you are your thoughts, that you create your own reality.
I sat down on a park bench and wrote. As I get more clear about who I am and what I want to be, I realize more and more what I would need in a romantic partner. They say you have to write it down to make it real. So here it is: I'm writing this all down to hold myself accountable to what is acceptable to me if I'm going to share my heart with someone. I'm not up to screwing around anymore...it leaves me empty and unsatisfied. I'm not looking for someone that wants that. Here is what I came up with. I know there is no such thing as the perfect person, but there is such a thing as loving yourself enough to know that these things are vital to have the kind of relationship that's worth having.
~Trust-safety to be myself and he himself with me.
~He has goals and a plan to achieve them
~Enjoys outdoor activities
~Gets me on a deep spiritual level of being
~makes me smile whenever he crosses my mind
~health conscious about his diet and exercise
~has time and energy to want to grow in our relationship together
~drop dead handsome
~ability to make me laugh and also he thinks my humor is funny
~speaks to others with an open heart and compassion
~loves experimenting in the kitchen and enjoys going to the farmer's market to shop locally
~dedicated to his profession
~has a belief in something greater than himself and a connection to all beings
~empathetic not apathetic
~musical talent or at least an appreciation of it
~always striving to grow and learn and make a difference
~loves to receive massage
~supportive of my dreams and motivates me to achieve my goals
~likes weekend get aways and traveling
~will love my sister and watch out for her as much as I do
~knows that sometimes you need a lazy Sunday to do nothing but stare
~has a life outside of me but will include me in it by having great communication skills
~has solid friendships
~will help me find a beer I actually like!
~Can help me with my technological challenges
~appreciates the humor of my clumsiness
~thinks I'm beautiful-my soul and my appearance
~loves spontaneous adventures and spontaneous sex
~appreciation for synchronicities and the journey of life
~will think that it's awesome and not crazy when I just 'get a feeling about something'
~likes surprises
~mutual respect
~goofy sense of humor
~his energy matches mine
~believes that tomorrow is always another opportunity to start over
~understands what I'm trying to create in this world and me understanding his creation
~grounded
~knows how and wants to work through his "stuff." Uses the tools he is taught in life.
~knows and respects that I require alone time
~likes doing home projects
~the love that we have for ourselves and each other inspires others to find true happiness and joy
~really awesome hot sex-and whenever I want it. yep!!
~taller than me and hair I can run my fingers through
~is actually ready to meet me
~passion for something, anything, to let me know he is present, alive and actually living
~wants to create the most gorgeous child that ever existed
~wit and sarcasm
~inspires me to be the best person I can be
That's what I want. That's what I deserve. Whoever you are inside is directly reflected in the life you live and the people you surround yourself with.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
I can make an analogy out of anything...
I can make an analogy out of anything, which is why I’m probably missing my calling as an inspirational writer. Oh well. Here’s my latest:
This weekend I was home alone cleaning, waiting for my sister to get done with work so I could pick her up. I looked for the thousandth time at my bathroom sink. This sink has been clogged for years and I’ve never gotten it fixed. Why? I just live with it…something that bothers me everyday, but not enough to actually do something about it. I become busy with something else, ignoring the sink. But then again, every morning, it clogs and it frustrates me. It eventually clears, but it’s always dirty…I clean it and it gets clogged again…never truly going away. This night, I decided to try fixing it.
I googled “how to fix a clogged sink” and it was easy as pie. I filled the sink half way up with water and took a plunger to it and gave it hell. Well, it was a bit gross and clumps of hair came up, but what surprised me the most was what I saw next. There, in the water, was a blue marble. I used to have these floating candle columns when I first moved in here with blue marbles on the bottom. I laughed and laughed. This whole time, this whole situation was so easily fixable. I had poured drain-o down that sink a million times. I had tried baking soda and boiling water to no avail. But you see, none of that would have cleared it up. It made a difference in that it ran a bit better for awhile, but it always became clogged again. I needed to remove the marble. And here’s where my profound thought comes into play:
We all have marbles in our sink. Feelings, emotions, hurts, wants, needs, and love that get shoved down into the pits of unawareness. It is only by awareness that the marble clogs us up and we must clear it out. If we are so unaware and meekly just existing, marbles might be so obvious to other people in our lives, but not to us at all. We can meditate, exercise, think about other things, throw ourselves into activities and hobbies, but these are all ways to just pour drain-o into the sink. The only way to be clear is to decide for yourself that you WANT to do this, even though it may be so hard. But, then again, it might be easy as pie. The latter is what worked for me, and I’m so very glad.
I’ve had an interesting week. An awesome, amazing, inspirational week. I’ve found compassion in the strangest of places. I’ve learned lessons that I’ve been working on for years. Why? Because I decided the marble wasn’t tolerable anymore. I decided I want to live in Technicolor and not black and white. It’s so much better having my sink clear, literally and figuratively. It’s just so much better. But, I didn’t know it could be this good. Living with my sink clogged for so long, I thought that was the only way to be.
Open your heart up to yourself. You’ll be amazed at what you will discover. I’ve lived so inauthentically to myself for so long. I forgot everything I loved and what made me who I am. I was so distracted by caring what others thought of me, that I missed the big picture and the lessons they were trying to teach me in the first place.
I’ve discovered the joys of what I love. I love hiking and being in nature. I love being by the water. I love exercise. I love horses. I love feeling and expressing joy. I love taking pictures. I love singing (still working there). I love the feeling of getting up early and enjoying the day. I love reading about everything that interests me. I love having a spiritual practice I call my own. I love feeling connected to everything. I love feeling part of a bigger picture. I love tending to my houseplants. I love planting herbs and cooking with them. I love my flowers every summer. I love new adventures. I love inspiring others. I love being sarcastic and funny. I love to cry tears of joy. And I love to let go and be unattached. Most of all, I love you if you are in my life.
I’ve wasted too much time caring what others think or me and feeling not good enough. I’ve let that happen. That was really stupid looking back. It’s interesting how something that was once such a big deal really doesn’t matter anymore. Lessons learned. I wish I would have picked up on that about two years ago, but eh, we all have our own timelines.
I challenge you to purge your marbles. Stop pouring in drain-o. You’ll just have to deal with it again. It might have a different face to it, a different place to it or even a different theme, but it will still be there. So stop, chill, and get that marble outta there. You’ll be glad you did.
And don’t even think about making a joke about snaking my drain. I’ve already thought of them all, and they are hysterical…but I’m trying to be professional here.
This weekend I was home alone cleaning, waiting for my sister to get done with work so I could pick her up. I looked for the thousandth time at my bathroom sink. This sink has been clogged for years and I’ve never gotten it fixed. Why? I just live with it…something that bothers me everyday, but not enough to actually do something about it. I become busy with something else, ignoring the sink. But then again, every morning, it clogs and it frustrates me. It eventually clears, but it’s always dirty…I clean it and it gets clogged again…never truly going away. This night, I decided to try fixing it.
I googled “how to fix a clogged sink” and it was easy as pie. I filled the sink half way up with water and took a plunger to it and gave it hell. Well, it was a bit gross and clumps of hair came up, but what surprised me the most was what I saw next. There, in the water, was a blue marble. I used to have these floating candle columns when I first moved in here with blue marbles on the bottom. I laughed and laughed. This whole time, this whole situation was so easily fixable. I had poured drain-o down that sink a million times. I had tried baking soda and boiling water to no avail. But you see, none of that would have cleared it up. It made a difference in that it ran a bit better for awhile, but it always became clogged again. I needed to remove the marble. And here’s where my profound thought comes into play:
We all have marbles in our sink. Feelings, emotions, hurts, wants, needs, and love that get shoved down into the pits of unawareness. It is only by awareness that the marble clogs us up and we must clear it out. If we are so unaware and meekly just existing, marbles might be so obvious to other people in our lives, but not to us at all. We can meditate, exercise, think about other things, throw ourselves into activities and hobbies, but these are all ways to just pour drain-o into the sink. The only way to be clear is to decide for yourself that you WANT to do this, even though it may be so hard. But, then again, it might be easy as pie. The latter is what worked for me, and I’m so very glad.
I’ve had an interesting week. An awesome, amazing, inspirational week. I’ve found compassion in the strangest of places. I’ve learned lessons that I’ve been working on for years. Why? Because I decided the marble wasn’t tolerable anymore. I decided I want to live in Technicolor and not black and white. It’s so much better having my sink clear, literally and figuratively. It’s just so much better. But, I didn’t know it could be this good. Living with my sink clogged for so long, I thought that was the only way to be.
Open your heart up to yourself. You’ll be amazed at what you will discover. I’ve lived so inauthentically to myself for so long. I forgot everything I loved and what made me who I am. I was so distracted by caring what others thought of me, that I missed the big picture and the lessons they were trying to teach me in the first place.
I’ve discovered the joys of what I love. I love hiking and being in nature. I love being by the water. I love exercise. I love horses. I love feeling and expressing joy. I love taking pictures. I love singing (still working there). I love the feeling of getting up early and enjoying the day. I love reading about everything that interests me. I love having a spiritual practice I call my own. I love feeling connected to everything. I love feeling part of a bigger picture. I love tending to my houseplants. I love planting herbs and cooking with them. I love my flowers every summer. I love new adventures. I love inspiring others. I love being sarcastic and funny. I love to cry tears of joy. And I love to let go and be unattached. Most of all, I love you if you are in my life.
I’ve wasted too much time caring what others think or me and feeling not good enough. I’ve let that happen. That was really stupid looking back. It’s interesting how something that was once such a big deal really doesn’t matter anymore. Lessons learned. I wish I would have picked up on that about two years ago, but eh, we all have our own timelines.
I challenge you to purge your marbles. Stop pouring in drain-o. You’ll just have to deal with it again. It might have a different face to it, a different place to it or even a different theme, but it will still be there. So stop, chill, and get that marble outta there. You’ll be glad you did.
And don’t even think about making a joke about snaking my drain. I’ve already thought of them all, and they are hysterical…but I’m trying to be professional here.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
This really sucks
I once read that when you feel like “everybody” hates you, or “everybody” will laugh at you, your “everybody” can really be summed up to just a few people. Think about it for a moment. When you say, “Well, everybody…” see who comes to mind. You’ll be surprised to find that you really don’t mean everybody, you just mean a few people whose opinions matter to you more than they should.
For the past couple of years, my everybody has consisted of a close knit group of kindred spirits that found me along life’s journey. I have cared so much about what these people think of me, trying to do anything I can to please them. The problem with this is that there are expectations to receive what you put out there. The problem with any kind of expectations is that it usually leads to disappointment and heartache.
While I have learned many things, and would not give up the experiences, I find myself alone tonight. It seems like in a short time period, my life has left me extraordinarily lonely. I know I have many friends in my life who love me unconditionally, and for that I am blessed, so why do I only seem to care about “everybody?”
Emotional insecurity blows. We all just want to be loved and accepted. We all want to feel connected to something greater than ourselves and to each other. We aren’t meant to spend every weekend alone. Why is it so hard to make new friends?
Perhaps this is happening so I learn to be a friend to myself. To learn to accept loneliness and serve my soul’s purpose. I do believe we all have a purpose in each lifetime, in each other’s lives and in our own lives. I don’t believe everything happens at random. If it did, the timing is pretty extraordinary.
I cherish each connection I’ve had in my life. I guess not every one is meant to last forever. I do feel much lighter and free since I’ve lost “everybody” but it doesn’t change the loneliness. I guess now there is plenty of space for whoever is going to drop into my life next.
I think of the line from “Defying Gravity” from Wicked. “If this is love, it comes at much too high of cost.” I agree with that 100%. Sometimes, life just hurts too much. Why would you come across friendships like these only to have the go away? I’m not trying to be all “poor me” here, but seriously, it rips my heart out. Nobody likes to admit they are weak, that they are anything less than superhuman, but sometimes you just need other people.
I miss having close friendships around this town. It seems like my good friends are scattered everywhere. I feel like the only thing I really have going for me is my job, which I love, but my social life is suffering. Maybe it was time for me to settle down a bit and get back to what I think and feel and not what “everybody” else does. I feel like a failure and loser.
I had a conversation with a friend a couple of months ago probably now. He and I had met a few years ago, had a too intense connection so dating failed between us. He asked me recently if I maybe made too much out of it and made it mean more than it did. I told him, yes, but as of recently I don’t think I did. I haven’t had a connection like that to another human being in so long now. It makes me feel like it will never happen again. Logically, I know this to be false, but emotionally it feels true. It doesn’t matter anyway anymore. I can’t remember the last time he called. It’s been over a year at least. It’s ok. I trust the Universe knows what it’s doing.
It’s my best friend’s birthday party tonight and here I sit at home, because I’m unable to express my anger and hurt, so everything sits, on pause. It’s up to me to hit play and I have no clue how to go about that. The world always goes on without you.
I guess I shouldn’t be too sad. I felt I lost had lost another friend of mine awhile back. But, we took about a year break from each other and now our friendship is better than ever. She’s very busy though, so it’s difficult to hang out a lot. Maybe that will be true of these other friendships too.
So, what does one do when she feels like there isn’t another soul in the world around besides her kid sister? Well, I guess what she does is re-group and re-focus. She reminds herself of what her strengths and great qualities are. She smiles through the pain and doesn’t let it show that her heart hurts all the time. When asked how she is doing, she always replies, “great” and one day she knows it will be true and she will believe it. She meditates and knows these wounds go back to characters not even thought about anymore. She thinks about the kind of people that support her and that she wants to be around and keeps that in mind when auditioning new friends. She focuses on staying in the present moment. She goes to the gym and exercises out the anger, upset and frustration from her body. She dreams and schemes. She reads and writes and sings. Sooner or later, there will be new friendships, new adventures and faith renewed. And she hopes she remembers for the future to never give so much of herself to anyone again. Until then:
Drinking wine and thinking bliss, is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head are skidding up and down again
Up and down and round again, down and up and down again.
Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all.
Just to end up right back here on the floor.
To end up right back here in on the floor.
Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm
The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.
Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgievness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace and
I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.
Oh I've felt that fire and I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned.
Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm
Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.
Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me, what it's done to me.
What is done...done
Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare,
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there.
But I'm not scared at all, hmm...I'm not scared at all.
Bout the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.
For the past couple of years, my everybody has consisted of a close knit group of kindred spirits that found me along life’s journey. I have cared so much about what these people think of me, trying to do anything I can to please them. The problem with this is that there are expectations to receive what you put out there. The problem with any kind of expectations is that it usually leads to disappointment and heartache.
While I have learned many things, and would not give up the experiences, I find myself alone tonight. It seems like in a short time period, my life has left me extraordinarily lonely. I know I have many friends in my life who love me unconditionally, and for that I am blessed, so why do I only seem to care about “everybody?”
Emotional insecurity blows. We all just want to be loved and accepted. We all want to feel connected to something greater than ourselves and to each other. We aren’t meant to spend every weekend alone. Why is it so hard to make new friends?
Perhaps this is happening so I learn to be a friend to myself. To learn to accept loneliness and serve my soul’s purpose. I do believe we all have a purpose in each lifetime, in each other’s lives and in our own lives. I don’t believe everything happens at random. If it did, the timing is pretty extraordinary.
I cherish each connection I’ve had in my life. I guess not every one is meant to last forever. I do feel much lighter and free since I’ve lost “everybody” but it doesn’t change the loneliness. I guess now there is plenty of space for whoever is going to drop into my life next.
I think of the line from “Defying Gravity” from Wicked. “If this is love, it comes at much too high of cost.” I agree with that 100%. Sometimes, life just hurts too much. Why would you come across friendships like these only to have the go away? I’m not trying to be all “poor me” here, but seriously, it rips my heart out. Nobody likes to admit they are weak, that they are anything less than superhuman, but sometimes you just need other people.
I miss having close friendships around this town. It seems like my good friends are scattered everywhere. I feel like the only thing I really have going for me is my job, which I love, but my social life is suffering. Maybe it was time for me to settle down a bit and get back to what I think and feel and not what “everybody” else does. I feel like a failure and loser.
I had a conversation with a friend a couple of months ago probably now. He and I had met a few years ago, had a too intense connection so dating failed between us. He asked me recently if I maybe made too much out of it and made it mean more than it did. I told him, yes, but as of recently I don’t think I did. I haven’t had a connection like that to another human being in so long now. It makes me feel like it will never happen again. Logically, I know this to be false, but emotionally it feels true. It doesn’t matter anyway anymore. I can’t remember the last time he called. It’s been over a year at least. It’s ok. I trust the Universe knows what it’s doing.
It’s my best friend’s birthday party tonight and here I sit at home, because I’m unable to express my anger and hurt, so everything sits, on pause. It’s up to me to hit play and I have no clue how to go about that. The world always goes on without you.
I guess I shouldn’t be too sad. I felt I lost had lost another friend of mine awhile back. But, we took about a year break from each other and now our friendship is better than ever. She’s very busy though, so it’s difficult to hang out a lot. Maybe that will be true of these other friendships too.
So, what does one do when she feels like there isn’t another soul in the world around besides her kid sister? Well, I guess what she does is re-group and re-focus. She reminds herself of what her strengths and great qualities are. She smiles through the pain and doesn’t let it show that her heart hurts all the time. When asked how she is doing, she always replies, “great” and one day she knows it will be true and she will believe it. She meditates and knows these wounds go back to characters not even thought about anymore. She thinks about the kind of people that support her and that she wants to be around and keeps that in mind when auditioning new friends. She focuses on staying in the present moment. She goes to the gym and exercises out the anger, upset and frustration from her body. She dreams and schemes. She reads and writes and sings. Sooner or later, there will be new friendships, new adventures and faith renewed. And she hopes she remembers for the future to never give so much of herself to anyone again. Until then:
Drinking wine and thinking bliss, is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head are skidding up and down again
Up and down and round again, down and up and down again.
Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all.
Just to end up right back here on the floor.
To end up right back here in on the floor.
Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm
The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.
Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgievness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace and
I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.
Oh I've felt that fire and I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned.
Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm
Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.
Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me, what it's done to me.
What is done...done
Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare,
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there.
But I'm not scared at all, hmm...I'm not scared at all.
Bout the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.
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