This really sucks

I once read that when you feel like “everybody” hates you, or “everybody” will laugh at you, your “everybody” can really be summed up to just a few people. Think about it for a moment. When you say, “Well, everybody…” see who comes to mind. You’ll be surprised to find that you really don’t mean everybody, you just mean a few people whose opinions matter to you more than they should.


For the past couple of years, my everybody has consisted of a close knit group of kindred spirits that found me along life’s journey. I have cared so much about what these people think of me, trying to do anything I can to please them. The problem with this is that there are expectations to receive what you put out there. The problem with any kind of expectations is that it usually leads to disappointment and heartache.

While I have learned many things, and would not give up the experiences, I find myself alone tonight. It seems like in a short time period, my life has left me extraordinarily lonely. I know I have many friends in my life who love me unconditionally, and for that I am blessed, so why do I only seem to care about “everybody?”

Emotional insecurity blows. We all just want to be loved and accepted. We all want to feel connected to something greater than ourselves and to each other. We aren’t meant to spend every weekend alone. Why is it so hard to make new friends?

Perhaps this is happening so I learn to be a friend to myself. To learn to accept loneliness and serve my soul’s purpose. I do believe we all have a purpose in each lifetime, in each other’s lives and in our own lives. I don’t believe everything happens at random. If it did, the timing is pretty extraordinary.

I cherish each connection I’ve had in my life. I guess not every one is meant to last forever. I do feel much lighter and free since I’ve lost “everybody” but it doesn’t change the loneliness. I guess now there is plenty of space for whoever is going to drop into my life next.

I think of the line from “Defying Gravity” from Wicked. “If this is love, it comes at much too high of cost.” I agree with that 100%. Sometimes, life just hurts too much. Why would you come across friendships like these only to have the go away? I’m not trying to be all “poor me” here, but seriously, it rips my heart out. Nobody likes to admit they are weak, that they are anything less than superhuman, but sometimes you just need other people.

I miss having close friendships around this town. It seems like my good friends are scattered everywhere. I feel like the only thing I really have going for me is my job, which I love, but my social life is suffering. Maybe it was time for me to settle down a bit and get back to what I think and feel and not what “everybody” else does. I feel like a failure and loser.

I had a conversation with a friend a couple of months ago probably now. He and I had met a few years ago, had a too intense connection so dating failed between us. He asked me recently if I maybe made too much out of it and made it mean more than it did. I told him, yes, but as of recently I don’t think I did. I haven’t had a connection like that to another human being in so long now. It makes me feel like it will never happen again. Logically, I know this to be false, but emotionally it feels true. It doesn’t matter anyway anymore. I can’t remember the last time he called. It’s been over a year at least. It’s ok. I trust the Universe knows what it’s doing.

It’s my best friend’s birthday party tonight and here I sit at home, because I’m unable to express my anger and hurt, so everything sits, on pause. It’s up to me to hit play and I have no clue how to go about that. The world always goes on without you.

I guess I shouldn’t be too sad. I felt I lost had lost another friend of mine awhile back. But, we took about a year break from each other and now our friendship is better than ever. She’s very busy though, so it’s difficult to hang out a lot. Maybe that will be true of these other friendships too.

So, what does one do when she feels like there isn’t another soul in the world around besides her kid sister? Well, I guess what she does is re-group and re-focus. She reminds herself of what her strengths and great qualities are. She smiles through the pain and doesn’t let it show that her heart hurts all the time. When asked how she is doing, she always replies, “great” and one day she knows it will be true and she will believe it. She meditates and knows these wounds go back to characters not even thought about anymore. She thinks about the kind of people that support her and that she wants to be around and keeps that in mind when auditioning new friends. She focuses on staying in the present moment. She goes to the gym and exercises out the anger, upset and frustration from her body. She dreams and schemes. She reads and writes and sings. Sooner or later, there will be new friendships, new adventures and faith renewed. And she hopes she remembers for the future to never give so much of herself to anyone again. Until then:

Drinking wine and thinking bliss, is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head are skidding up and down again
Up and down and round again, down and up and down again.

Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all.
Just to end up right back here on the floor.
To end up right back here in on the floor.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm

The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgievness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace and
I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.

Oh I've felt that fire and I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm

Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me, what it's done to me.
What is done...done

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare,
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there.

But I'm not scared at all, hmm...I'm not scared at all.

Bout the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.