It's true. I find myself falling in love with Jim Halpert from the office. Nate and I have our weekly date nights where we get dinner and go to his place and veg and watch the office. It's kind of like therapy for us grown-ups that don't actually want to pay for therapy.
Nate and I have these amazing discussions and have lots of explosive laughter. Sometimes we watch South Park (BOOM BABY) or Time Warp or whatever. We started this tradition with Arrested Development and when that was over, we started on the Office. We're almost done with Season 3.
Each episode I fall more and more in love with Jim. The thing is, with Jim and Pam, that's usually how most of my relationships or love interests have started: as flirtatious friends. That way, you can grow comfortable with each other, you know each others buttons, you know you have a solid foundation. I miss having a flirtatious friend in my life. I got nothin. Hence, (yes, I just said hence) my increasing crush on a fictional character.
I've decided to stop counting everything that I think is "wrong" with me and just realize, that maybe, this isn't the best time for a flirtatious friend. Maybe my flirtatious friend is right around the corner. You just never really know.
A friend of mine moved to Chicago a few months ago to move in with her girlfriend. They broke up, and now my friend is having to pay more in rent and in an unfamiliar town. BUT, she's making the best of it, and I think that's awesome. I'm becoming increasingly aware of how SAD life is. How unbelievably sad and how much suffering there is. Everything can be going well and then BAM! Someone dies, people break up, you get really ill.....it's just so sad. I'm usually very optimistic, but I'm finding myself becoming more pessimistic these days as I see all the suffering in the world.
A friend of mine just got engaged. Yes, she and I have definetely had our issues, but it was over nothing in the end. We have worked things out becuase we were both willing and wanting to do so. Anyway, her boyfriend wrote her a song and proposed to her and surprised her when she got home after a business trip to Chicago. Now, seriously....I can't imagine someone loving me enough to want to do that for me. If that happened to me I'd seriously cry and probably throw up. But why wouldn't someone want to do that for me? I think I sell myself short continually and that's the biggest problem.
I find myself becoming bored as of late. I fill my time with four jobs and struggle. I'm tired of struggling. I'm craving adventure and meaning in my life. I'm not ok with filling my time with meaningless things like extra jobs and theatre and drinking and making out with random guys. I want substance damn it! But I'm uncertain of how to create it. I was going to audition for a show, but realized, I'm just doing this to fill time, so I don't have to deal with my real deep down unhappiness. So I didn't do it. Plus, I'm probably going back to school. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. ARGHHH!!!!!
I hope for a hero to save me. Nobody is coming.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Reflections on Johnson Road
There are times when I feel like I might feel things more deeply than
most humans. Or perhaps it's that I find things to be more than their
face value. Almost like making something into a diamond when it should
just stay a plain river rock. It's the value and the worth we place on
people, events, places and memories that marks our hearts. I find it is
the worth we place on ourselves is the one that we put as little face
value on as possible sometimes.
The evening started with having
some very proud moments as I watched my sister sing and dance on stage.
She looked at home up there. There is truly nothing better than
watching someone you love do something great. I remembered her as a
little girl-getting into my things, stealing my make up and jewelry.
I'd get so angry with her, but truly, she just wanted to be like me.
She wanted to sing and dance like me. I didn't realize that at the time
though. My sister has grown into an amazing young woman, and I couldn't
be more proud of her. That's generally a pretty good way to start off
your evening. I fell into infatuation with a young man that sang for
theMadhatters. Men who can sing. Ugh, just pick my jaw up off the floor now.
We drove up to Baraboo,
my kindred spirits and I. The ride was filled with witty sarcasm and
laughter as we taught Sarah to pump gas for the first time. We arrived
inBaraboo only to come face to face with the man that had let her down
the day before. Coincidence? No. Out of any place he could possibly be,
he was there at the same time we arrived. That doesn't just happen. It
was meant to happen so words could be exchanged for clearing and
resolution. That was the start of our interesting night inBaraboo.
I
had a strange conversation with my friend that we drove up to meet. It
was one of those awkward conversations where more was not said that
actually said. I stared into glazed over eyes of fatigue and something
else I couldn't quite grasp as I stumbled over myself to make small
talk with someone I really want to just bare my soul to. I've had
friendships that have changed and died and rekindled and all sorts of
things. But I've never had an experience of talking with someone where
I just didn't know what to say with my words. I wanted to say something
impressive or interesting so that things could just beok . He
acknowledged the awkwardness too. I was drawn into a memory of sitting
by the water last year as he told me his life story. I had sat and
listened to this man, not really offering much advice or knowing what
to say. I just knew that I loved listening to him. I just knew that I
would love him forever. There are a lot of people I can honestly say
that about, and for that, I feel blessed. Even when things change. Even
when you don't know what the hell you are doing. We are all dying
inside for connection, even when we isolate ourselves from the world.
The truth is I miss him. The truth is, we all do. We only see him on
rare occasions. This is what I mean about value.
I listened as
two other friends of mine shared about the troubles they are having in
their friendship. They have been friends since they've been in
kindergarten. That's a lot of years of ups and downs. I was deeply
saddened that they were having troubles, but I also know that our most
meaningful relationships are the ones that force us to look at our
"junk." And right now, they are both doing that very well. I know
things will get better and work themselves out. It just hurts to be in
that place of, "I can't deal with it anymore, but I miss her." Enough
said.
The night took the best unexpected turn ever when we
decided to take a bottle of Brandy from my friends' parents house and
go to the park and drink. Really? Yes, really. I love being around the
free spirit of laughter and energy. And nobody really does that better
than Graham. From the outside looking in, one would think he isn't as
wise as some. I beg to differ that he is wiser than all of us.
We
went to the park and sat by the water. We enjoyed laughter and banter
and wittiness and all sorts of enjoyment. It felt magical. The nights
of unexpected adventures are what I live for. The unpredictability of
the perfect day. I took it all in and it was amazing. Here I was, with
four people I had not known two years earlier, enjoying myself and
enjoying the profoundness of the ebb and flow of life. You never know
where life is going to take you or what will happen. I didn't think my
life would take me to a park inBaraboo at 3 am when I was 28 years old. The beauty and the uncertainty of the unknown was palpable to me at that moment.
A
beautiful stag entered the park and made itself known under the sky. It
sat there and stared at us. It was significant. Another argued that it
was not. The thing is, it was significant to me. Nobody else can say
that except for myself. It just might not have meant anything to him.
That's the difference of perception and our experience of the world. I
felt the awe inspiringconnectedness with the Universe and nature in
that wonderful moment. The feeling of being out of time and able to
just be. It was wonderful. And here we are at value again. The question
being, how much value do you put on the moments in your life? Are the
significant or do they just all pass by in a blur? I wanted to lay on
the grass in that park with those people forever. But, it was really
cold outside.
We then decided to go to the land where my friends' house had burned down. I watched as my two friends recalled their child
hood memories of that home and I could picture myself watching the
younger versions of them in that home. I received a new awareness of
them as people, how they are the way they are by the events of their
lives. By their interactions and different personalities and how they
deal with the world. I had a new appreciation for them both. It's
always great to see something or someone in a new light or new
perception.
The bottle of Brandy was passed to me and I heard,
"Come on J, take a drink." I was frozen in that moment as I was taken
back to the original giver of that nickname for me. It was just the way
Graham said my name. Of course, then I was made fun of for thinking
that had any meaning. But it's not like I heard him saying "R" or "S"
for Ray or Sarah. Of course it had no meaning to anyone but me, because
nobody else has been in my shoes. Nobody else has heard the way that
Ben used to call me J, and how Graham had just said it in that exact
same mannerism. It was like a moment that connected my past to my
present. It's in those moments that I appreciate what I'm doing even
more. It's those moments that make me realize I'm exactly as I should
be. It's in those moments that if Jordan's around to make fun of me I
want to hit him, but really I don't. Really I just want him to feel
something like I just felt in his own life. It's because I care about
him that I get so fired up. If I didn't, I wouldn't care to even
respond. I see how easily his brother understands this. I think about
the fact that I wouldn't be on this land having this moment if it
wasn't for Jordan. And I appreciate him even more. How do you find the
words to express that? I guess I just did.
I walked away from
the group for a moment of solitude with the sky. Unfortunately the
skies were cloudy and no stars were visible, but it was still nice to
look up at it. It's so humbling and wonderful to feel inner peace
within your own being. I was filled with so much gratitude for a night
like this. I used to have nights like this with Ben all the time. I'm
glad to have nights like this again. The value of this is priceless to
me. But, I may take it for more than face value. For one, it might just
be a night of nothing special, a night that just happens. For me, it's
a night of meaning, a night of love, a night of appreciation and a
night of hope that there are better days to come. Any night that your
stilettos are covered in forest matter when you get home is a
significant night.
As I watch the snow swirl around outside
right now, I think of another winter to get ready to hibernate. Based
on the past, I usually do this. But maybe this winter could be
different. It's all a matter of perception. Sometimes, I think I feel
more deeply than the average person. That I can make anything mean
something. But, it's what I do. It's who I am. And I think it makes
some people in my life love and appreciate me more. And, it makes some
people in my life just want to make fun of me and think I'm ridiculous.
It's all a matter of perceptions. And perceptions change every day.
I've done my time
looking back on it all
then it blows my mind,
I don't do sadness
so been there.
Don't do sadness
just don't care.
Sure, when it’s autumn
Wind always wants to
Creep up and haunt you
Whistlin’ it’s got you
With its heartache, with its sorrow
Winter wind sings and it cries.
most humans. Or perhaps it's that I find things to be more than their
face value. Almost like making something into a diamond when it should
just stay a plain river rock. It's the value and the worth we place on
people, events, places and memories that marks our hearts. I find it is
the worth we place on ourselves is the one that we put as little face
value on as possible sometimes.
The evening started with having
some very proud moments as I watched my sister sing and dance on stage.
She looked at home up there. There is truly nothing better than
watching someone you love do something great. I remembered her as a
little girl-getting into my things, stealing my make up and jewelry.
I'd get so angry with her, but truly, she just wanted to be like me.
She wanted to sing and dance like me. I didn't realize that at the time
though. My sister has grown into an amazing young woman, and I couldn't
be more proud of her. That's generally a pretty good way to start off
your evening. I fell into infatuation with a young man that sang for
theMadhatters. Men who can sing. Ugh, just pick my jaw up off the floor now.
We drove up to Baraboo,
my kindred spirits and I. The ride was filled with witty sarcasm and
laughter as we taught Sarah to pump gas for the first time. We arrived
inBaraboo only to come face to face with the man that had let her down
the day before. Coincidence? No. Out of any place he could possibly be,
he was there at the same time we arrived. That doesn't just happen. It
was meant to happen so words could be exchanged for clearing and
resolution. That was the start of our interesting night inBaraboo.
I
had a strange conversation with my friend that we drove up to meet. It
was one of those awkward conversations where more was not said that
actually said. I stared into glazed over eyes of fatigue and something
else I couldn't quite grasp as I stumbled over myself to make small
talk with someone I really want to just bare my soul to. I've had
friendships that have changed and died and rekindled and all sorts of
things. But I've never had an experience of talking with someone where
I just didn't know what to say with my words. I wanted to say something
impressive or interesting so that things could just beok . He
acknowledged the awkwardness too. I was drawn into a memory of sitting
by the water last year as he told me his life story. I had sat and
listened to this man, not really offering much advice or knowing what
to say. I just knew that I loved listening to him. I just knew that I
would love him forever. There are a lot of people I can honestly say
that about, and for that, I feel blessed. Even when things change. Even
when you don't know what the hell you are doing. We are all dying
inside for connection, even when we isolate ourselves from the world.
The truth is I miss him. The truth is, we all do. We only see him on
rare occasions. This is what I mean about value.
I listened as
two other friends of mine shared about the troubles they are having in
their friendship. They have been friends since they've been in
kindergarten. That's a lot of years of ups and downs. I was deeply
saddened that they were having troubles, but I also know that our most
meaningful relationships are the ones that force us to look at our
"junk." And right now, they are both doing that very well. I know
things will get better and work themselves out. It just hurts to be in
that place of, "I can't deal with it anymore, but I miss her." Enough
said.
The night took the best unexpected turn ever when we
decided to take a bottle of Brandy from my friends' parents house and
go to the park and drink. Really? Yes, really. I love being around the
free spirit of laughter and energy. And nobody really does that better
than Graham. From the outside looking in, one would think he isn't as
wise as some. I beg to differ that he is wiser than all of us.
We
went to the park and sat by the water. We enjoyed laughter and banter
and wittiness and all sorts of enjoyment. It felt magical. The nights
of unexpected adventures are what I live for. The unpredictability of
the perfect day. I took it all in and it was amazing. Here I was, with
four people I had not known two years earlier, enjoying myself and
enjoying the profoundness of the ebb and flow of life. You never know
where life is going to take you or what will happen. I didn't think my
life would take me to a park inBaraboo at 3 am when I was 28 years old. The beauty and the uncertainty of the unknown was palpable to me at that moment.
A
beautiful stag entered the park and made itself known under the sky. It
sat there and stared at us. It was significant. Another argued that it
was not. The thing is, it was significant to me. Nobody else can say
that except for myself. It just might not have meant anything to him.
That's the difference of perception and our experience of the world. I
felt the awe inspiringconnectedness with the Universe and nature in
that wonderful moment. The feeling of being out of time and able to
just be. It was wonderful. And here we are at value again. The question
being, how much value do you put on the moments in your life? Are the
significant or do they just all pass by in a blur? I wanted to lay on
the grass in that park with those people forever. But, it was really
cold outside.
We then decided to go to the land where my friends' house had burned down. I watched as my two friends recalled their child
hood memories of that home and I could picture myself watching the
younger versions of them in that home. I received a new awareness of
them as people, how they are the way they are by the events of their
lives. By their interactions and different personalities and how they
deal with the world. I had a new appreciation for them both. It's
always great to see something or someone in a new light or new
perception.
The bottle of Brandy was passed to me and I heard,
"Come on J, take a drink." I was frozen in that moment as I was taken
back to the original giver of that nickname for me. It was just the way
Graham said my name. Of course, then I was made fun of for thinking
that had any meaning. But it's not like I heard him saying "R" or "S"
for Ray or Sarah. Of course it had no meaning to anyone but me, because
nobody else has been in my shoes. Nobody else has heard the way that
Ben used to call me J, and how Graham had just said it in that exact
same mannerism. It was like a moment that connected my past to my
present. It's in those moments that I appreciate what I'm doing even
more. It's those moments that make me realize I'm exactly as I should
be. It's in those moments that if Jordan's around to make fun of me I
want to hit him, but really I don't. Really I just want him to feel
something like I just felt in his own life. It's because I care about
him that I get so fired up. If I didn't, I wouldn't care to even
respond. I see how easily his brother understands this. I think about
the fact that I wouldn't be on this land having this moment if it
wasn't for Jordan. And I appreciate him even more. How do you find the
words to express that? I guess I just did.
I walked away from
the group for a moment of solitude with the sky. Unfortunately the
skies were cloudy and no stars were visible, but it was still nice to
look up at it. It's so humbling and wonderful to feel inner peace
within your own being. I was filled with so much gratitude for a night
like this. I used to have nights like this with Ben all the time. I'm
glad to have nights like this again. The value of this is priceless to
me. But, I may take it for more than face value. For one, it might just
be a night of nothing special, a night that just happens. For me, it's
a night of meaning, a night of love, a night of appreciation and a
night of hope that there are better days to come. Any night that your
stilettos are covered in forest matter when you get home is a
significant night.
As I watch the snow swirl around outside
right now, I think of another winter to get ready to hibernate. Based
on the past, I usually do this. But maybe this winter could be
different. It's all a matter of perception. Sometimes, I think I feel
more deeply than the average person. That I can make anything mean
something. But, it's what I do. It's who I am. And I think it makes
some people in my life love and appreciate me more. And, it makes some
people in my life just want to make fun of me and think I'm ridiculous.
It's all a matter of perceptions. And perceptions change every day.
I've done my time
looking back on it all
then it blows my mind,
I don't do sadness
so been there.
Don't do sadness
just don't care.
Sure, when it’s autumn
Wind always wants to
Creep up and haunt you
Whistlin’ it’s got you
With its heartache, with its sorrow
Winter wind sings and it cries.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Inspiration in one car ride
Yesterday I went to my first myofascial release study group. It's a group of advanced myofascial release practitioners in the wisconsin area to get together and practice and study and research. I'm just a beginner, but I found myself being invited to join the group and I thought, wow, that's really cool.
I drove up with two of the women in my class at Tibia, Gina and Sue. They are both women in their early 60's, that had just started the path to self discovery a few years ago. They are lovely, caring women with a ton of temper and a ton of sass. Funny, dynamic, awesome women who tell it like it is. It's funny how life delivers people into your life sometimes. Who would of though I wouldn't rather be doing anything else on my weekends than hanging out with a couple of 60 plus year olds!
I listened as they talked about their troubles with dating and men and relationships. I listened as they talked about their "children" and what they are up to. They ask me about my life and get so excited for me when they hear about new things going on for me. Then Sue said....
"You know Jess, when you sang that day in class, I felt deprived. I felt like we had all missed out on something that whole year from you by keeping that inside of you. I wished I could have heard you sing all year."
I kind of felt like saying, "ummm hello...that's what I needed to heal within myself. My voice had gotten stuck...didn't you just go through a year of supporting me with that?" But you know, she's older, so she can forget. I just said, "Well, that's what I needed to heal Sue. I couldn't have sang for you because I didn't know it was inside of me."
I told them about my voice lessons and the possibility of being part of a recording for aspiring music writers and Dragonfly Wellness and the triumphs and struggles financially and business wise. I told them about things that happened in Intuitive Guidance Class. I told them of friendships of my life coming and going. I talked about my vision for Dragonfly. They, of course, were so excited.
Gina said...
"Your life could go in so many different directions. You have the singing, the business, and your whole life ahead of you. Don't get married."
I think this is about the sixth time I have heard, "Don't get married in the past few weeks." It's so very interesting.
I thought about all that went on in that car ride. And I thought to myself, "Isn't it a shame I held that part of myself back from people I love because I was scared. It's sad when people don't realize their inner light and their ability to heal and inspire others with their actions and who they are being." I thought about this for a long time. We dis-empower others when we do it to ourselves.
I thought about how much I push and push and push people to see their inner light. I drive people away because I make them actually feel something. It's so much easier to pretend you feel nothing and go back to suffering. It's what is familiar. I do it to myself.
I don't want to deprive people anymore. I want to keep on shining. I think of all the people in my life who were once very close to me and are not anymore. I wonder, are we done learning from each other now? It saddens me greatly. But I have to let go. It's impossible to keep on trying to make someone be a part of your life when they clearly do not want to be. It keeps you from missing out on all the amazing people that do want to be a part of your life. Sometimes you don't know the bigger picture...if there is even a bigger picture of all.
I saw myself. I saw myself with long, wavy, dark hair. I saw the golden letters "Dragonfly Wellness" on the back wall behind the reception area. I saw my sister, who was probably college age working behind the desk. I had a nose piercing and was more in shape. I saw this brief future flash of possibility...and that's what I'm going to be focusing on now. That is what I was meant to do. My life's work. A little dragonfly told me that years ago, and now it's finally starting to happen.....
I drove up with two of the women in my class at Tibia, Gina and Sue. They are both women in their early 60's, that had just started the path to self discovery a few years ago. They are lovely, caring women with a ton of temper and a ton of sass. Funny, dynamic, awesome women who tell it like it is. It's funny how life delivers people into your life sometimes. Who would of though I wouldn't rather be doing anything else on my weekends than hanging out with a couple of 60 plus year olds!
I listened as they talked about their troubles with dating and men and relationships. I listened as they talked about their "children" and what they are up to. They ask me about my life and get so excited for me when they hear about new things going on for me. Then Sue said....
"You know Jess, when you sang that day in class, I felt deprived. I felt like we had all missed out on something that whole year from you by keeping that inside of you. I wished I could have heard you sing all year."
I kind of felt like saying, "ummm hello...that's what I needed to heal within myself. My voice had gotten stuck...didn't you just go through a year of supporting me with that?" But you know, she's older, so she can forget. I just said, "Well, that's what I needed to heal Sue. I couldn't have sang for you because I didn't know it was inside of me."
I told them about my voice lessons and the possibility of being part of a recording for aspiring music writers and Dragonfly Wellness and the triumphs and struggles financially and business wise. I told them about things that happened in Intuitive Guidance Class. I told them of friendships of my life coming and going. I talked about my vision for Dragonfly. They, of course, were so excited.
Gina said...
"Your life could go in so many different directions. You have the singing, the business, and your whole life ahead of you. Don't get married."
I think this is about the sixth time I have heard, "Don't get married in the past few weeks." It's so very interesting.
I thought about all that went on in that car ride. And I thought to myself, "Isn't it a shame I held that part of myself back from people I love because I was scared. It's sad when people don't realize their inner light and their ability to heal and inspire others with their actions and who they are being." I thought about this for a long time. We dis-empower others when we do it to ourselves.
I thought about how much I push and push and push people to see their inner light. I drive people away because I make them actually feel something. It's so much easier to pretend you feel nothing and go back to suffering. It's what is familiar. I do it to myself.
I don't want to deprive people anymore. I want to keep on shining. I think of all the people in my life who were once very close to me and are not anymore. I wonder, are we done learning from each other now? It saddens me greatly. But I have to let go. It's impossible to keep on trying to make someone be a part of your life when they clearly do not want to be. It keeps you from missing out on all the amazing people that do want to be a part of your life. Sometimes you don't know the bigger picture...if there is even a bigger picture of all.
I saw myself. I saw myself with long, wavy, dark hair. I saw the golden letters "Dragonfly Wellness" on the back wall behind the reception area. I saw my sister, who was probably college age working behind the desk. I had a nose piercing and was more in shape. I saw this brief future flash of possibility...and that's what I'm going to be focusing on now. That is what I was meant to do. My life's work. A little dragonfly told me that years ago, and now it's finally starting to happen.....
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