:)

I was accepted to UW Madison today. yay. (that's the sound of my future patients cheering).

Circles

Circles


I've been reading lately about the human brain. I've been understanding lately that it's programmed into your brain, and "easier" to go back to old habits. That's why most people fail. People are used to what's comfortable, even if that means what is not necessarily "best" for them. You see it over and over in everyone else but yourself. I'm starting to see it in myself. I'm failing.

I always find something to relate too, and as ridiculous as it is, right now, I relate to the Office. I relate to the character of Pam Beasley. I watch her throughout the progression of the show, going from a mousy receptionist in an unhealthy relationship to someone who starts to test her power by standing up for herself and being involved in a healthy relationship with herself and with Jim. I guess I'm at the mousy receptionist stage right now. I've known the former and the latter, and it's really hard when you're in the former to remember the latter.

I love being optomistic. It's engrained in my character, but lately, I just feel negative. I feel down on myself because I'm gaining weight, I'm tired all the time and I feel like doing nothing. I have moments of inspiration, but then I feel helpless and defeated again. I have these burst of anxiety. I go back to this way of being because that's what my brain feels is normal and comfortable and I create it over and over and over again. I guess at least I'm aware of it instead of it happening unconsciously. People tell you to be patient and easy on yourself, but that isn't producing results for me. Maybe I need to be harder on myself.

In college, I was very hard on myself. I survived off of diet coke and an elliptical machine. I was dating a suicidal maniac. I had great friends though. That's something I've never lacked. I wonder sometimes who the hell would want to hang out with me? I guess I do throw out some damn witty statements sometimes and like to have fun....but where's the self worth here? From others?

I'm working four jobs right now. I'm not even making the bills. When I punch in for my shift at Bath and Body Works I kind of as myself...what am I doing? I'm a stellar student, a great massage therapist....this job is beneath me. But yet, it humbles me. I shouldn't have to do this, I think. But it's where I'm at. It's what I've created.

I'm under constant stress. My low back is always in pain. I wonder why I do this to myself. I'm usually a happy person. Is it this awful weather? Last winter I felt like I lost my mind for a bit. Maybe it is this ridiculous cold that I keep telling myself I'm going to move away from. But do I? No. Why? Because I don't know differently and in that, I create my own prison.

I read today that you can't expect anyone to understand you if they don't understand themselves. I think that's true. I feel sometimes I don't understand myself, hence, why I can't attract someone that understands me or even wants to try. Touch is so important and I'm so romantically lonely right now. It's hard to admit, but it's true. It's not like I can just go out and get laid. I mean, come on, I'm not a guy who would just sleep with anyone. It's different for girls. Girls like me anyway.

So here I am: fat, lonely and uninspired. Why? Because I truly don't know how to get myself out of it. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this. Oh of course I can create an exercise program and stick to it for a few weeks. I can eat healthy for a bit. I can even forget about dating and affection for awhile. I can do affirmations and feel positive. But eventually, it all sinks back into this....why can't I ever stick to anything that's good for me? Why do I poison my body with shitty food, punish my body with no exercise and mutilate my self esteem with wanting guys who don't want me?

Fuck this. Can I get a re-do? Or at least can I skip ahead to the part where I stand up for myself and am sexy and beautiful again? I'd sit down and make a plan, but I'll probably have to work. Oh wallowing in self pity...so much fun on a Tuesday night. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who feels this way? I'm sure I'll be writing about how inpsired I am again next week. Is there ever any balance? Will I ever be able to just relax again? Sighhhhhhhhhhh. Maybe it's time for another episode of The Office.

I went to an old friends' party the other day. He had this cute efficiency apartment. I've been fantasizing about getting one in the middle of the woods. Sometimes alone is the only place I truly feel safe.

My Snow Day

Today I had a marvelous snow day. I knew I would be having this day last night, so I thought about what I wanted to do today. I knew I at least wanted to get the holiday decorations up, even if I don't really believe in the Holidays. I just love having the lights up and sparkling ornaments on the tree. It adds a bit of illumination to my life.

I started my day with watching the Pursuit of Happyness. What a wonderful movie! Even thought I've never been homeless, I can relate to struggling and struggling to achieve your dreams. It gave me hope again that I can do anything that I put my mind too, and again, stirred my heart to be a fantastic doctor someday. Who cares if I won't finish my residency until I'm 36? That just means I'll have about 30 years to enjoy it until I retire.

I put up the artificial Christmas tree. I don't believe in real trees. Yes, I know they are raised specifically to die for America's consumption and end up in landfills, but I just can't do it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when I was a baby, I pulled on an ornament and our real tree came toppling over me and I got an eye infection from the needles. Thanks mom, for watching me.

Last year I had skipped the tree. I wasn't much in the mood for holiday festivities. As I put the ornaments on the tree, I reminisced about why I had bought them. There was the yorkshire terrier figurine I had bought because of Gracie. There was the grey cat I had bought in honor of Kristina, Dennis' cat. I remembered at the time how close Dennis and I were: like Will and Grace. We talk maybe three of four times a year now. I thought about our friendship and what it meant and still means to me. I thought about how so interesting people's enter and departure from our lives is so Universally perfect.

I looked at the tropical flip flops I bought in honor of my old roommate Jennifer. She loves everything and anything to do with Hawaii. She was my best friend from 4th grade until we graduated high school. Again, I thought about entering and departure. I thought about time and timing.

My St. Louis arch ornament. I had been there for three weeks on a business trip when I used to sell appliances at American. I thought about how unhappy I was on the inside then, and how back then I would have never guessed my life would be where it is now. I thought about that girl and if she would have had any clue she'd meet a Dragonfly and her whole life would change. I thought about if that girl even knew how to tune into a higher vibration and resonate there.

I looked at the glittering cardinal. I immediately looked for the disco balls. I had bought this combination of ornaments in honor of my love for the Cardinal Bar. Now the Cardinal has new meaning...the passage of time my family went through to get to Middleton and my Grandpa's Death. It's interesting how things can take on a new meaning in your life just because of the passage of time.

I decorated the tree as my favorite movie, "Breakfast at Tiffany's" played. What a perfect way to spend the afternoon.

I thought about my life now and then people in it, and the people I want in it more. I realized their significance, and I felt so blessed. I'll have to go out and make sure I find a mermaid ornament, an angel ornament and a dragon ornament. I'll have to make sure I find at least five dragonfly ones....

Our life experiences make us into who we are in the present. The people we have in our lives, and the ones we hold in our hearts shape us into who we are. I think I've turned out pretty good so far. As I clear out more and more "junk" from my heart, I feel more open to inspire others, to love others and to motivate others. I'm even getting to a point in my life when I can truly appreciate and love people, even if they decide they don't want to give anything back. I'm ok with that now. I just want to make a difference. At times, I question if I do...then I look around me and know I do. And I realize it doesn't really matter if I do or not. It just matters that I stay to true to who I am. When I don't, that's when things fall apart.

I think it's really important to have these kind of days. I realized I'm the happiest when I'm just staying present. It doesn't really matter what I'm doing, other than being right here, right now. Being present with my thoughts and memories and noticing rather than judging. Acting out of love instead of fear.

In five years, I wonder how I'll be decorating my tree. I know it won't be in Madison. In a way, that saddens me, but it a way it inspires me. Knowing I'm working my way to use my intuitive gifts in the medical field will be enough for me. Knowing that soon I'll have the knowledge and education to make a huge difference. To know I won't be one of the HMO doctors who sees a patient for six minutes and then prescribes three drugs for them will be my inspiration.

I hope I can add many more ornaments to my tree. I'll be 33 years old. I hope there will be ornaments about inside jokes with my friends. Ornaments about a great love. Ornaments from the past and present. I can't tell the future (well sometimes I THINK I can, and sometimes what I say does happen) so who knows what that is. What I do know is that without a dream, without people you love and without inner peace you don't have much of anything.

People need to take snow days. Without them, we just get lost in this rat race. We just keep going and going, never taking the time to really love, really feel and really be present. We feel obligated and lose our passion. We need a recharging of the soul every now and again. It's vital to existence.

UWW and "the cat"

Tonight I went to celebrate my brother Derrick's 21st birthday in Whitewater. I went into his disgusting apartment to get ready. UWW's slumlords have apartments that are in conditions ready for rats. It's awful. I was doing my make-up in the bathroom mirror, thinking about the woman I have become since my five and half years after graduating. I thought of the girl who lost her virginity in the building next to this apartment. I thought of the girl who spent hours getting ready to go out on a Thursday night. I thought of the girl who spent hours looking for her suicidal boyfriend in the freezing cold.

I looked in the mirror and saw a woman with pain and joy behind her wiser eyes. I was so glad to have left that girl behind in Whitewater. I was done with my makeup and Lance said something to me about a cat.

A cat? What? What cat?

Apparently their landlord had trapped a stray cat in a live trap cage downstairs. It had been there over a week with no food or water....imprisoned in the pitch dark in the cold.

WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTT???? WHERE IS IT??????

I immediately ran (Well more like crawled) down the falling apart staircase into this unbelievable basement out of a horror film...I wasn't even thinking...just acting. In the middle of the room was this beautiful black cat. I looked at it, and said, "you are perfect." I had the strangest spiritual connection with this cat. It was terrified and probably the first human contact it had had in a week.

We could figure out how to open the cage to give it water...I didn't want to touch it because the possiblility of disease is was probably high. We finally got it open and I gave her water. She pawed as to say, "Help me." This cat. This poor strange cat. I was so angry. How could anyone do this to an animal? How could FIVE people be living in this apartment and not think anything of it? Derrick claimed he just found it today, but WHYYYY would you not do something about it?

The landlord claimed the Humane Society was supossed to pick it up a week ago. What the hell???? Why wouldn't one of the tenants call him to say it hadn't been picked up? Why wouldn't the landlord check? How can you leave another living creature alone, in the dark, terrified, and starving?

I called the cops. They came over and said they would take her to the humane society. Then they decided no to in case the landlord had other plans...What the hell? So I said, can I call the humane society? They said sure. I left a message on the landlord's machine and told him what happened. Derrick said he'd check on the cat later and make sure she was picked up tomorrow. I'm going to follow up and call and make sure. Unbelievable.

In the past, I probably would have been way to scared of all the confrontation involved in this situation, but I just ran down those stairs. And when this cat looked at me, I just felt something inside of me that I haven't really felt before. Compassion, anger, sadness, care and love all rolled into one. And and on a small scale, I saved her. And I think of how many other beings there are out there that need help....I want to help...I'm not afraid anymore.

I feel sometimes a bit like Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's. She has this brilliant monolouge at the end of the movie about she and her cat not belonging anywhere. She wouldn't even name her cat because they didn't belong. I'm calling the humane society tomorrow and if the cat doesn't have any diseases and can be adopted, I'm taking her. I'm naming her Karma.

Excuse me while I re-program my brain....

For the past oh, probably two and a half years now, I've been on the road to self-discovery and personal growth and awareness. I've laughed, I've cried, I've thrown things and I've felt so many things. I had a breakthrough the other day, and it has nothing to do with spirituality.

FACT: (I've been watching wayyy too much of the office lately) I've been trying to make myself happy by fixing every external circumstance that I knew how. I understood the concept that you have to "change" what's on the inside for that to reflect in your outer world, but I didn't truly know how to practice it or apply it to my mind. I tried meditating, I tried praying, I tried dieting, I tried exercise...nothing was making a lasting difference that lasted long. Sure, I'd have breakthroughs and inspirations, but then I'd eventually fall back into my old ways of being. In these moments of inspiration I'd run around like a crazy woman trying to convince everyone I loved that this was the way to be, because I was so elated. When I find something that works, I want to share it with everyone.

But then I would fall back into this weird space of self-doubt, anxiety, and uncomfortability. Whyyyy would I keep doing this? Because that's how I have allowed my brain to be programmed.

Dr. Rob gave me this book to read that a lot of chiropractors read to clear out their own personal junk to build a successful practice. I started reading it and I was blown away. It was all the stuff I had read about in spiritual books and things of that nature, but the difference was that this was all science based. When you talk about right and left brain activity and the way the subconscious mind works, you literally program and re-program yourself. It's like you are a little computer and you can program your reality.

For example, Say you were in a relationship that broke your heart. Subconsciously, you are telling yourself that you have a broken heart. Your left brain is going to deliver you situations that break your heart until you have re-programmed yourself to be open and receptive to love. It's all based on your perception. So, if you meet someone wonderful and open to love and you are subconsciously putting out there that you are broken, what do you think will happen? Since your command center has experienced that "high" of love before and then got hurt, your autonomic system will say to you, "this is how it happened before, you know no other way of being, you will get hurt." It has NOTHING to do with anything but how you have programmed yourself into being.

I have realized that my brain has been programmed by many external forces, like many of us. Our parents, teachers, experiences, etc program us to be how we are today. But we CAN change it. It just takes practice and dedication...and it's proven. Maybe this isn't all a spiritual experience after all...maybe it's just what is. Maybe it's just how the human mind works....but my question is...where does it all come from? If we are all part of a big bang or something created us, then wouldn't we all be interconnected anyway? We'd have the same molecular formations and energy inside of us?

I've realized that I've allowed myself to be programmed so much, mostly by my parents. But what they say and think just isn't TRUE! But I believe it. Take a moment and think of all the times someone has said something about you and you've taken it to be true....

It's like I've been an actor these past few years, trying to find somewhere that I fit and belong....because that's what I believe about myself. That I don't belong, and boy does my left brain find me evidence for that. So, the answer is not going around trying to find someone to love me, or something to belong to, it's actually about going with-in and re-training my brain to believe I belong. The mind doesn't know the difference between something real and something vividly imagined. I feel this is why some people can lose their mind...which brings me to my next point....

Since working at Pro-Health I've just had a ridiculous amount of coincidences....the other day, Dr. Rob and I were talking about parallel universes. Now, mind you, this is coming from a man who has more science and medical training that your family physician probably does. We were talking about it and then that night, I went to a friends house and there was a show on about it. Then I went to my parents house last night and my sister tells me she and Sonny were talking about it at that same time. WTF? How does this happen? It's wayyyy to coincidental...and then I thought...well, wouldn't I just be bringing that experience to me because that's what I'm focused on? If we can truly reprogram our minds, we are capable of unbelievable possibilities. Anway, Dr. Rob thinks that you might be able to subconsciously experience a parallel universe and yeah, that can make someone lose their mind. It's cool to think about.... I'm not sure what I think about it yet, but there are some very good evidence based cases out there.

Anyway, I think it's amazing. I feel like I have this missing peice of the pie. You create your own reality by what you believe about yourself and your environment. It's really all about the internal networking and programming we have. You can't make a mac run windows without the proper software...so how could you expect someone who doesn't know that they don't know to do what's out of their perspective? They need a software update.

It's easy to see why actors become their characters....when the brain doesn't know the difference between a vivid imagination and real life, it gets confused? So...is that why Brad Pitt takes off with Angelina Jolie? Is it why Heath Ledger went nuts?? Could be, might not be...but interesting to think about. Do people that spend that much time in another character have any idea of what is them and what is the character? Maybe that's why some people are so great at it...they never spend time being themselves. Is that why Britney Spears went crazy? How can you separate that in the brain?

I've been acting like a victim, like the light got sucked out of me. Like life isn't fair. That's what my parents taught me. Well, no more. I understand the science behind this and I'm determined to do the work so that I catch myself every time I fall and I replace the old way of thinking with new affirmations. It can be taught. It can be done. Who knows, I might already have done this on a parallel universe! ;)But you know, if you can get out of your left brain....why is it that we have this spark and connection and things we can't explain about how we connect with others? Are we living a different life on a different plane and the only thing keeping us unaware of it is our brain? Or is it Divine Intervention? Or Batman?

I think what will make me an excellent doctor in about 6 years is that I will help create possibilities for my patients that they haven't even thought of yet.

I'm in love with a fictional character

It's true. I find myself falling in love with Jim Halpert from the office. Nate and I have our weekly date nights where we get dinner and go to his place and veg and watch the office. It's kind of like therapy for us grown-ups that don't actually want to pay for therapy.

Nate and I have these amazing discussions and have lots of explosive laughter. Sometimes we watch South Park (BOOM BABY) or Time Warp or whatever. We started this tradition with Arrested Development and when that was over, we started on the Office. We're almost done with Season 3.

Each episode I fall more and more in love with Jim. The thing is, with Jim and Pam, that's usually how most of my relationships or love interests have started: as flirtatious friends. That way, you can grow comfortable with each other, you know each others buttons, you know you have a solid foundation. I miss having a flirtatious friend in my life. I got nothin. Hence, (yes, I just said hence) my increasing crush on a fictional character.

I've decided to stop counting everything that I think is "wrong" with me and just realize, that maybe, this isn't the best time for a flirtatious friend. Maybe my flirtatious friend is right around the corner. You just never really know.

A friend of mine moved to Chicago a few months ago to move in with her girlfriend. They broke up, and now my friend is having to pay more in rent and in an unfamiliar town. BUT, she's making the best of it, and I think that's awesome. I'm becoming increasingly aware of how SAD life is. How unbelievably sad and how much suffering there is. Everything can be going well and then BAM! Someone dies, people break up, you get really ill.....it's just so sad. I'm usually very optimistic, but I'm finding myself becoming more pessimistic these days as I see all the suffering in the world.

A friend of mine just got engaged. Yes, she and I have definetely had our issues, but it was over nothing in the end. We have worked things out becuase we were both willing and wanting to do so. Anyway, her boyfriend wrote her a song and proposed to her and surprised her when she got home after a business trip to Chicago. Now, seriously....I can't imagine someone loving me enough to want to do that for me. If that happened to me I'd seriously cry and probably throw up. But why wouldn't someone want to do that for me? I think I sell myself short continually and that's the biggest problem.

I find myself becoming bored as of late. I fill my time with four jobs and struggle. I'm tired of struggling. I'm craving adventure and meaning in my life. I'm not ok with filling my time with meaningless things like extra jobs and theatre and drinking and making out with random guys. I want substance damn it! But I'm uncertain of how to create it. I was going to audition for a show, but realized, I'm just doing this to fill time, so I don't have to deal with my real deep down unhappiness. So I didn't do it. Plus, I'm probably going back to school. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. ARGHHH!!!!!

I hope for a hero to save me. Nobody is coming.

Reflections on Johnson Road

There are times when I feel like I might feel things more deeply than
most humans. Or perhaps it's that I find things to be more than their
face value. Almost like making something into a diamond when it should
just stay a plain river rock. It's the value and the worth we place on
people, events, places and memories that marks our hearts. I find it is
the worth we place on ourselves is the one that we put as little face
value on as possible sometimes.

The evening started with having
some very proud moments as I watched my sister sing and dance on stage.
She looked at home up there. There is truly nothing better than
watching someone you love do something great. I remembered her as a
little girl-getting into my things, stealing my make up and jewelry.
I'd get so angry with her, but truly, she just wanted to be like me.
She wanted to sing and dance like me. I didn't realize that at the time
though. My sister has grown into an amazing young woman, and I couldn't
be more proud of her. That's generally a pretty good way to start off
your evening. I fell into infatuation with a young man that sang for
theMadhatters. Men who can sing. Ugh, just pick my jaw up off the floor now.

We drove up to Baraboo,
my kindred spirits and I. The ride was filled with witty sarcasm and
laughter as we taught Sarah to pump gas for the first time. We arrived
inBaraboo only to come face to face with the man that had let her down
the day before. Coincidence? No. Out of any place he could possibly be,
he was there at the same time we arrived. That doesn't just happen. It
was meant to happen so words could be exchanged for clearing and
resolution. That was the start of our interesting night inBaraboo.

I
had a strange conversation with my friend that we drove up to meet. It
was one of those awkward conversations where more was not said that
actually said. I stared into glazed over eyes of fatigue and something
else I couldn't quite grasp as I stumbled over myself to make small
talk with someone I really want to just bare my soul to. I've had
friendships that have changed and died and rekindled and all sorts of
things. But I've never had an experience of talking with someone where
I just didn't know what to say with my words. I wanted to say something
impressive or interesting so that things could just beok . He
acknowledged the awkwardness too. I was drawn into a memory of sitting
by the water last year as he told me his life story. I had sat and
listened to this man, not really offering much advice or knowing what
to say. I just knew that I loved listening to him. I just knew that I
would love him forever. There are a lot of people I can honestly say
that about, and for that, I feel blessed. Even when things change. Even
when you don't know what the hell you are doing. We are all dying
inside for connection, even when we isolate ourselves from the world.
The truth is I miss him. The truth is, we all do. We only see him on
rare occasions. This is what I mean about value.

I listened as
two other friends of mine shared about the troubles they are having in
their friendship. They have been friends since they've been in
kindergarten. That's a lot of years of ups and downs. I was deeply
saddened that they were having troubles, but I also know that our most
meaningful relationships are the ones that force us to look at our
"junk." And right now, they are both doing that very well. I know
things will get better and work themselves out. It just hurts to be in
that place of, "I can't deal with it anymore, but I miss her." Enough
said.

The night took the best unexpected turn ever when we
decided to take a bottle of Brandy from my friends' parents house and
go to the park and drink. Really? Yes, really. I love being around the
free spirit of laughter and energy. And nobody really does that better
than Graham. From the outside looking in, one would think he isn't as
wise as some. I beg to differ that he is wiser than all of us.

We
went to the park and sat by the water. We enjoyed laughter and banter
and wittiness and all sorts of enjoyment. It felt magical. The nights
of unexpected adventures are what I live for. The unpredictability of
the perfect day. I took it all in and it was amazing. Here I was, with
four people I had not known two years earlier, enjoying myself and
enjoying the profoundness of the ebb and flow of life. You never know
where life is going to take you or what will happen. I didn't think my
life would take me to a park inBaraboo at 3 am when I was 28 years old. The beauty and the uncertainty of the unknown was palpable to me at that moment.

A
beautiful stag entered the park and made itself known under the sky. It
sat there and stared at us. It was significant. Another argued that it
was not. The thing is, it was significant to me. Nobody else can say
that except for myself. It just might not have meant anything to him.
That's the difference of perception and our experience of the world. I
felt the awe inspiringconnectedness with the Universe and nature in
that wonderful moment. The feeling of being out of time and able to
just be. It was wonderful. And here we are at value again. The question
being, how much value do you put on the moments in your life? Are the
significant or do they just all pass by in a blur? I wanted to lay on
the grass in that park with those people forever. But, it was really
cold outside.

We then decided to go to the land where my friends' house had burned down. I watched as my two friends recalled their child
hood memories of that home and I could picture myself watching the
younger versions of them in that home. I received a new awareness of
them as people, how they are the way they are by the events of their
lives. By their interactions and different personalities and how they
deal with the world. I had a new appreciation for them both. It's
always great to see something or someone in a new light or new
perception.

The bottle of Brandy was passed to me and I heard,
"Come on J, take a drink." I was frozen in that moment as I was taken
back to the original giver of that nickname for me. It was just the way
Graham said my name. Of course, then I was made fun of for thinking
that had any meaning. But it's not like I heard him saying "R" or "S"
for Ray or Sarah. Of course it had no meaning to anyone but me, because
nobody else has been in my shoes. Nobody else has heard the way that
Ben used to call me J, and how Graham had just said it in that exact
same mannerism. It was like a moment that connected my past to my
present. It's in those moments that I appreciate what I'm doing even
more. It's those moments that make me realize I'm exactly as I should
be. It's in those moments that if Jordan's around to make fun of me I
want to hit him, but really I don't. Really I just want him to feel
something like I just felt in his own life. It's because I care about
him that I get so fired up. If I didn't, I wouldn't care to even
respond. I see how easily his brother understands this. I think about
the fact that I wouldn't be on this land having this moment if it
wasn't for Jordan. And I appreciate him even more. How do you find the
words to express that? I guess I just did.

I walked away from
the group for a moment of solitude with the sky. Unfortunately the
skies were cloudy and no stars were visible, but it was still nice to
look up at it. It's so humbling and wonderful to feel inner peace
within your own being. I was filled with so much gratitude for a night
like this. I used to have nights like this with Ben all the time. I'm
glad to have nights like this again. The value of this is priceless to
me. But, I may take it for more than face value. For one, it might just
be a night of nothing special, a night that just happens. For me, it's
a night of meaning, a night of love, a night of appreciation and a
night of hope that there are better days to come. Any night that your
stilettos are covered in forest matter when you get home is a
significant night.

As I watch the snow swirl around outside
right now, I think of another winter to get ready to hibernate. Based
on the past, I usually do this. But maybe this winter could be
different. It's all a matter of perception. Sometimes, I think I feel
more deeply than the average person. That I can make anything mean
something. But, it's what I do. It's who I am. And I think it makes
some people in my life love and appreciate me more. And, it makes some
people in my life just want to make fun of me and think I'm ridiculous.
It's all a matter of perceptions. And perceptions change every day.

I've done my time
looking back on it all
then it blows my mind,
I don't do sadness
so been there.
Don't do sadness
just don't care.

Sure, when it’s autumn
Wind always wants to
Creep up and haunt you
Whistlin’ it’s got you
With its heartache, with its sorrow
Winter wind sings and it cries.

Inspiration in one car ride

Yesterday I went to my first myofascial release study group. It's a group of advanced myofascial release practitioners in the wisconsin area to get together and practice and study and research. I'm just a beginner, but I found myself being invited to join the group and I thought, wow, that's really cool.

I drove up with two of the women in my class at Tibia, Gina and Sue. They are both women in their early 60's, that had just started the path to self discovery a few years ago. They are lovely, caring women with a ton of temper and a ton of sass. Funny, dynamic, awesome women who tell it like it is. It's funny how life delivers people into your life sometimes. Who would of though I wouldn't rather be doing anything else on my weekends than hanging out with a couple of 60 plus year olds!

I listened as they talked about their troubles with dating and men and relationships. I listened as they talked about their "children" and what they are up to. They ask me about my life and get so excited for me when they hear about new things going on for me. Then Sue said....

"You know Jess, when you sang that day in class, I felt deprived. I felt like we had all missed out on something that whole year from you by keeping that inside of you. I wished I could have heard you sing all year."

I kind of felt like saying, "ummm hello...that's what I needed to heal within myself. My voice had gotten stuck...didn't you just go through a year of supporting me with that?" But you know, she's older, so she can forget. I just said, "Well, that's what I needed to heal Sue. I couldn't have sang for you because I didn't know it was inside of me."

I told them about my voice lessons and the possibility of being part of a recording for aspiring music writers and Dragonfly Wellness and the triumphs and struggles financially and business wise. I told them about things that happened in Intuitive Guidance Class. I told them of friendships of my life coming and going. I talked about my vision for Dragonfly. They, of course, were so excited.
Gina said...

"Your life could go in so many different directions. You have the singing, the business, and your whole life ahead of you. Don't get married."

I think this is about the sixth time I have heard, "Don't get married in the past few weeks." It's so very interesting.

I thought about all that went on in that car ride. And I thought to myself, "Isn't it a shame I held that part of myself back from people I love because I was scared. It's sad when people don't realize their inner light and their ability to heal and inspire others with their actions and who they are being." I thought about this for a long time. We dis-empower others when we do it to ourselves.

I thought about how much I push and push and push people to see their inner light. I drive people away because I make them actually feel something. It's so much easier to pretend you feel nothing and go back to suffering. It's what is familiar. I do it to myself.

I don't want to deprive people anymore. I want to keep on shining. I think of all the people in my life who were once very close to me and are not anymore. I wonder, are we done learning from each other now? It saddens me greatly. But I have to let go. It's impossible to keep on trying to make someone be a part of your life when they clearly do not want to be. It keeps you from missing out on all the amazing people that do want to be a part of your life. Sometimes you don't know the bigger picture...if there is even a bigger picture of all.

I saw myself. I saw myself with long, wavy, dark hair. I saw the golden letters "Dragonfly Wellness" on the back wall behind the reception area. I saw my sister, who was probably college age working behind the desk. I had a nose piercing and was more in shape. I saw this brief future flash of possibility...and that's what I'm going to be focusing on now. That is what I was meant to do. My life's work. A little dragonfly told me that years ago, and now it's finally starting to happen.....

Finally

There's this New Age theory that after you die, you review your life. You get to watch every moment and also feel how other's felt when you made certain actions. If this is true, I'd never submit the pain I feel onto another. If people could feel what I feel, it might be a different world. Sometimes I wonder, will this ever go away?

I think I finally met someone who gets me better than I get myself. Who not only believes in me, but also can open up to me. Someone who experiences the pain like I do. It's so nice to be able to actually talk to someone about what I experience, and to actually have them care and listen. It's so nice to finally be able to have someone get me.

It makes it more bearable. It makes the pain subside. It gives me hope. It takes the edge off of friendships that aren't as close anymore, of opportunities passed by. It soothes the burn of not being enough for someone. Of not being worthwhile.

It's nice to open up to someone, to get it out. It's nice not to have to keep it all inside anymore. I wish more people would open up. It might be surprising how many people actually get it. When you keep it all inside to yourself, all it does is eat you away.

It's nice not to be alone in this anymore. It gives me inspiration. It gives me confidence. It makes me want to be a better person. It's really nice to be heard and have someone actually care about me. It's nice not to just be an after thought to someone. Mostly, it's just nice to talk. It's nice to know that when people fade out of your life, there are always new ones waiting around the bend. It takes the edge off a bit, but it still hurts like hell.

I hope this works. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Please Work. Please Work.

On Wednesday, I'm getting my first laser treatment done for my skin. I'm so hoping that it finally kills all the acne bacteria and releases me from the torment of self loathing that my skin condition encompasses on a daily basis.

I was looking at old pictures that my mom has so 'lovingly' put up on facebook. It's weird because I didn't have skin issues in my younger teenage years when most people do. My problems started around the age of 21...the first year that I can observe looking back that I truly started hating myself.

I was 21 and living with my three friends Stacy, Maryanne and Jess. I was a junior in college and had no clue about what I wanted to do. I had recently sung the national anthem at the Kohl Center and got carried away by all the media attention. I had always been a great writer (or so my high school teachers say) so I thought, "I'll be a journalist." I don't think I could have picked something farther from who I was, but my ego loved it.

The guy I was interested in tried to commit suicide on my 21st birthday. So, not only was he clearly not ready for any sort of relationship whatsoever, he also picked my most important birthday to date to attempt the deed. At the time, it was the most horrible night that had ever happened. Looking back, I realize how ridiculously stupid I was to date someone that was so emotionally dead. But we started dating. Oh good. Perfect. I cant' believe I hated myself so much to not even get it.

I started picking up the pieces for this man. I breathed for him, because I knew if I didn't, he'd stop. He would be dead today if it wasn't for me. I realized that I have a habit of coming into people's lives when they need me. It's usually some kind of a big crisis. It's oddly strange, yet I guess, necessary. What I didn't realize is that I could have left him alone after that. But I kept trying. And trying.

My skin kept getting worse. I kept getting more frustrated. I kept gaining weight because I was working on my movie and would be up for 36 hours editing. I didn't take care of myself at all. I stopped working out, which was incredibly unfortunate because I had been in such good shape. 5'9" and 145 and yoga-toned ain't too shabby for a Wisconsin girl. I let myself creep up to almost 170, saturating myself and numbing myself with food and Dan. I took care of that man. I'm the one who had to call his family when he tried suicide again. I'm the one who constantly worried that this day he wouldn't make it. If I had only known then that it was all for attention. Some people are so incredibly fucked up.

The man who changed my life showed up for me. His name was Kevin. It was like some weird, strange "knowing" when I met him. He's really one of the first people I got that "I've known you from before" vibe from. He was in a long term relationship as well, and I think deep down, both of us knew we weren't leaving them. We clicked. We laughed uncontrollably together. He was the funniest person I knew besides Nate and incredibly handsome. We were talking one night and he started singing this song he had made up for me. It was hilarious. And in my head I kept hearing, "Dan's not for you, he's just not for you."

Nothing ever became between Kevin and I. We had a moment where we almost kissed, but it's not to be in this lifetime. The role he played for me showed me that there were so many better things out there in life. That I shouldn't settle just because it's comfortable. I wanted someone to inspire me and to laugh with me. Dan did none of those things. Kevin represented everything I was missing.

The night before graduation, I knew it was the very last night that Dan and I would ever spend together. I just lost it. I cried and cried, and I couldn't explain to him why. I had realized something that was a long time coming was about to occur. This could have been the beginning of realizing I had amazing intuition, but who knows. I was a different girl back then. I cried for two hours. Who does that? Certainly not me. I couldn't stop. I realized I had to take a step forward, but I had no idea how to do that. Dan was all I had known, because I had lost myself in absorption into his life. I had nothing left that was mine, or so it seemed.

The next day it was graduation day. We dressed in our gowns and got ready to meet our parents. It was so awkward, hanging out with our parents, with me knowing in my heart this was going to end probably that night. I went to go get in line for my diploma and low and behold, there was Kevin, smiling that amazing smile of his. I smiled back and he came up to me and we joked and laughed and hugged. And I realized....I had my smile. I had me, even if I had to find my way back one step at a time. That was the last time I saw Kevin. I would love to cross paths with him someday. I know he married his girlfriend. I would like to thank him for saving my life.

Dan broke up with me that night. A week later, he was wanting me back. Dan never ever did anything romantic or nice for me. Stacy's fiancee at the time bought me roses for Valentines because Dan forgot. Unfortunately Dan didn't get the message in time, so he was very confused when I called to thank him for the roses. Yup. Great boyfriend huh? And it's not even really about the roses, it's more so about the consideration and lack of it that he had. No respect for me, my time or who I was. Nothing. He was the guy that said he'd call at ten and he'd call at 1 am. He was the guy who would say he was going up with me for a weekend away and then I find out he never intended to in the first place after I had made plans to go. He was the guy who had money, but didn't get me anything for holidays or birthdays and I was in debt up to my ears in student loans, but always found something special for him. The night that Dan asked for me back, he wrote me a "poem." Mind you, it was full of wrongly spelled words and bad punctuation. It was a rip-off from the movie, Ten Things I Hate About You. I realized then and there, that I deserved better. I left.

I called my friend Fiver on the way home in tears. I asked him if I had done the right thing. Actually, I didn't ask him, I just told him to tell me I did the right thing so I wouldn't turn around and drive back. He told me I did the right thing. That summer, I had the best time I had had in years. My skin started to look a lot better, but yet, I still had the scars.

I started working at American and met the man that would ruin my life. He was married, but neglected to tell me he intended to still stay married and instead told me he was in the process of divorce. It was fast and it was chaotic, but I felt he was my soul mate. My skin had never looked worse. The scars I have on my cheeks today are from those months. It was awful. Just awful. When he sent me an EMAIL saying that he decided indeed to stay with his wife and they were moving away, I died a bit inside. I'm not the type of person to fall for a married man, and then to be lied to and cast aside like I meant nothing was devastating. I was done. I was sure I was going to marry this guy. I got so sick with mono it was ridiculous. I couldn't really talk to anyone about this because I was so embarrassed. I realized now that I was just a girl with little self esteem that was taken advantage of. I don't recognize that girl today.

Although these things happened years ago, my skin has never cleared. It might be genetic, it might be diet, it might be stress, but I can't help but wonder if it's emotional. Almost like I'm still wearing that bit of self loathing on my face, for all to see. I just want it to heal and go away. I hope this therapy works because I have tried it all.

It's ironic how we think the world ends when something extremely "bad" happens to us. Later in life, we can look back and track it and see why it happened. If I would not have dated Dan, I never would have met Nate, who is my BFF for life. If I wouldn't have met Nate, I would not have met Matt and Stacy and he would have not met. Lauren would not exist. Without Nate, I would have never started at American, which is where I met married guy. Without that experience, I would have not realized my self worth, because I clearly didn't learn from Dan. Maybe these things would have still happened, but just in different ways. It's hard to say. Nobody knows. I'm just happy to be where I am at now.

I hope this laser can help erase the scars that made me into who I am and what I believe and stand for. I hope this laser can erase the past along with the hurt. I hope this laser can give me a chance to start again, fresh. Sometimes, all you need is a fresh start. To be able to look at myself in the mirror and not cringe...To be able to not load on tons of makeup everyday...to be able to just breathe. To be able to wake up next to the man I love and be comfortable in how I look. There's so many things I'm looking forward to.

I hope this works.

Thoughts of the Day......

My thoughts of the day...

First of all, let's talk about the body and the emotional component of scar tissue. My friend goes to the chiropractor I work for. She and I have the EXACT and I mean EXACT same issue. How weird is that? We can tell because with the proadjuster technology, there is measurable data about your condition. We have the same vertebra issues (that have changed since care, but always been in the same with each others) right now, it happens to be L1. We have the same damn psoas issue and menstral cycle issue. (every other month is intense debilitating pain). So what gives? She and I are "wired up" very similar. I seriously wonder...someday, someone has to invent a measurable way to see how emotional issues are buried in the body. It's pretty interesting. I don't know where my scar tissue around the psoas area comes from, but I can feel it. Yuck.


Also on the body front: Desk and computer jobs. I'm starting to see a lot of clients and EVERYONE has the same freakin issues...upper traps, scalenes and low back. Why? Because everyone works on a god damn computer all day. The human body isn't designed to do that. Our society makes it that way. People ask me how often to come in for a massage until they get "better." Well, the answer is...for the rest of your life....because if you sit on your ass all day at a computer, you will never be pain free, as much as you think your posture rocks, your body hates you.

Next....
Relationships and Marriage. Well, marriage doesn't fix anything. Again, I learned this from my friend today. Having a heart to heart on the hydro tables, she told me that it doesn't. I know this, but deep down, I think we all want to feel that being with someone who loves us will "fix" life for us. That somehow, but being loved, we'll be ok. But, it's just not true. There are times when I really really want to have a boyfriend. I get really lonely sometimes. I don't like to admit it, but it's true, I do. I miss being able to hold somebody and share my day with somebody and also actually really truly care about someone else's day too. And, well, the sex....you can't go wrong there. Well, actually you can, but that's another blog.

My point is, is it better to be single or in a relationship? It's seems like relationships are a lot of work and a lot of headache. Besides your own issues and crap and insecurities, you have someone else's too. And since like usually attracts like, you usually pick someone with similar issues, or someone who is a good mirror for you. Well, what the hell? There are some days I don't want to be around anyone and I just want to be alone and there are somedays when I can't wait to make plans and be around people because I get lonely. When you are in a relationship, you open yourself up to the risk of having your heart absolutely broken, so most people are guarded anyway. Nobody wants to experience that pain again, so why bother? I'm the type of person who's always changing, so does that mean I need to be with someone who is always changing too? Someone who is open to new ideas and ways of being? Someone who is constantly striving for a better way to live? The longer I stay single, the harder it is to think of myself actually being with someone who understands these things, himself and me.

I don' know. Maybe a relationship that doesn't have that crazy dynamics going on does exist. Relationships are a big commitment. I just wonder if I'll ever be done working on "stuff." I mean, there's always emotional, physical, spiritual journeys and issues to be working on. Do you do this forever? Is there a point when things are just ok? Is this when you meet someone? It seems like guys are always complaining that their girlfriend or wife is nagging him about this or that. Well, I don't want my significant other to say things like that about me. They had a poll on Z104 this morning to see if it's worse to lose your job or significant other. And most people said your job. Well, what the hell? Jobs come and go but people don't...

I guess I'm just being a bit pessimistic today. I never was a good "dater." I think it's awkward and strange. I usually like taking friendship to the next level. I don't know, maybe that'll happen one day. For now, I'm just a bit lonely and guarded. I'm realizing more and more every day just how fragile human beings can be. It's hard to think about trusting my heart to somebody else, as much as I think that's what I really truly want. You can't ever really completely trust anyone. I really wish that you could.

I don't know that I've ever truly really been able to be "me" with anyone I've dated. Wouldn't it be so great to find someone that I could be me with and not worry about what he was thinking all the time and if what I was doing was "wrong" or "ok?" Hmmmppffffff. I'm so very confused. These are the things that keep me up at night. I can't help but wonder if anyone thinks about these thing too? My brain needs to shut up now. I just want a guy to snuggle up with. See...that's the whole problem right there...it won't solve a damn thing.

Oh, the power of a little Grey's...

Sarah and I are mid marathon in Season 4 of Grey's. We pretty much missed the entire season, so we are getting all caught up so we can continue with Season 5 this year. Thank god for Nate and DVR for us! He's so my hero.

Tonight's episode involved one of the characters (Miranda) who is now the chief resident at Seattle Grace hospital. There was a bus accident and her high school crush was a victim. Basically the story line unfolded that she did all his homework for him in high school and saved his life in present day, and he still didn't "see" her. He kept expecting her to pick up the slack, clearly not respecting her or giving her the emotional support she so desired. And I can't help but compare this to my own life. I find myself thinking I might be getting a little bit too deep in on this one, so better to sometimes bury it inside and not think about it and stay busy. I know that's not a cure, but it's a band aid.

I am a beautiful, outgoing, fun, passionate, risky, charming, compassionate, and charismatic person. I get along with anyone, unless they are an energetic nightmare, then I just don't bother. I own my own business. I work really hard. I enjoy my friends and family. I try my best, even though sometimes I fail. I'm just a human being, but I'm someone who can communicate and laugh and be silly. I do nice things for people just because it's fun. I stand my ground but keep an open mind. I love to try new things. I've had some of the same friends for years. I throw a damn good party and made a killer breakfast. But, he still doesn't see me. And sometimes that feels like none of these great things about me really matter. I've given up, and know that I deserve someone who sees me clearly. But why is it that we have such a hard time letting go of the person that never really wanted to see us clearly in the first place? A guy would have to be completely retarded not to want to date me. It's so interesting to see how we get wired up the way we do.

It doesn't take a genius to figure this one out. Just take psych 101. I wasn't a great athlete, but I got solos in choir. I was chosen to go to honors state choir. I was part of an award winning marching band. I had a job since I was 14 years old, my family claiming they never had money to buy me things like clothes. I had fantastic friendships. I was in the National Honor Society. But he still didn't see me. He saw my brothers, who were star athletes, never having to have a job, because somehow, there was always enough money for what they needed. They didn't have TIME for things like that. Of course not...I mean, musicals and shows and performances didn't require any time at all.

The wound is deep. It'll take someone very special to fix it. That person, is me.

Risks...ie, my daily whining

Today I got to thinking how nothing great in life comes without great risk. It's true. And I'm living it.

The Universe forced me out of my shitty job, which was great and now I love what I do, which is great. The money: not so great. I'm making half of what I used to make. That really sucks.

It won't always be this way. In about 6 months, I'll be managing two offices and be in a nice space for doing massage with my physical therapist and dragonfly will be well under way. There are so many start up costs to starting your own business. It really sucks. I'm in the red now, but I know it won't always be that way.

Time to give up. That's what most people do. But not me.

I'm living my dream, slowly, but surely. It's so great to be able to help people and enjoy what I do. Yeah, every other day I feel like the world is ending, but I know life isn't all about being able to go on a shopping spree at Target. It's teaching me a lot. I'm excited to see what I can create for myself with all these aweomse opportunities. I got a new client today at the PT and that made my day. It's baby steps, but it was such a huge risk.

I'm hoping the risk will be worth it. I'm struggling. I have pretty much no time for myself and working 12 hour days as I get Dragonfly up and running. There is so much to do!!! You wouldn't think it, but there is. When I'm not at Pro Health or Back in Motion, I'm running around doing things for Dragonfly.

I took a leap of faith with this one and I'm trusting myself and my employers. Yikes. I'm really really trusting here.

It's hard not to get discouraged sometimes. It's hard to see that I still have so many things I need to buy for my space that are necessities but no means to get them yet. How can I manifest tons of clients when I don't have the supplies? Basic laws of the Universe say that it won't come to you until you are ready. Ok. So I'm trying to get ready as best as I can.

They say nothing great in life comes without risks. I took the leap of faith. Here goes....

I feel so Loriliae Gilmore. Even though she's fictional, I so feel like the episode when she runs out of money, ironically enough, to open the Dragonfly Inn. Then Luke lends her the money and it all works out. I, unfortunately, do not have a Luke. All I have is me.

Mix One Part Hippie to Two Parts Business Woman to Three Parts Glam to One Part Disney Princess to Four Parts Vixen-the taking advantage of men

And you have me.

Well, kind of.

I learned something about myself this weekend. As much as I do "new age" type reading and energy work and emotional healing, I'm so not a "New Ager." I cannot possibly fit the stereotype because I'm way too posh. I don't mean this in a egotistical or narcissistic way. It's just true. I'm never going to wear flowly hippie gowns or not shower or not shave or not pluck my eyebrows. It's just not me.

Yes, I'm bringing out the catty judgemental side of me, but it's also the sarcastic and funny side of me too. I did a reiki share today at a clinic downtown. WTF is all I have to say. People are just so weird. Sooo freaking weird. Am I this weird too?

I'm changing.

I spent the weekend up north with my good friends. A lot of fun. The things I want in life are simple. I find myself not loving doing energy work anymore as much as I love doing theraputic muscle work. I love the fact that I knew how to fix Stacy's leg this weekend. That to me is really cool.

It's like the hippie in me is slowly dying, or was never much there to begin with. I still love going to the farmer's market and using organic and natural products when I can and complimentary medicine, but damn it, I wear lipstick!

I'm slowly realizing this blog has pretty much no point. I guess in a nutshell is that today, I realized how fucking weird some "new age" people can be. And I'm not necessarily worried about how I look to others, but I'm realizing just how judgemental I can be. I was surrounded by "oh everything is beautiful" and blah blah blah by people I didn't fit in with. It was awkward and annoying.

One girl said, "My dream is to have a donations only clinic" ok great...that's a lot of people's dreams...but how are you going to pay your bills and what are you doing to make that happen in your life? Nothing. I'm getting irked by people who say that they want things to change and do things but then don't take action to make it happen. If you don't take action, you go nowhere. And I like going somewhere. Even if it's just up to Wausau for the weekend.

Here I am, too!

Today was interesting. An interesting day of eye contact. After dropping off Sarah, I turned my car around and headed to work. Upon yeilding to get onto the beltline, another car turned ahead of me. I made eye contact with the driver, it was really strange, almost pulling. He waved. Like, "Hi, here I am too on this journey of life. I'll probably never see you again, but I get it."

Hmmmm.

Today was a stressful day of work. The first day where I was like wow, this kind of blows. But it's because we are so busy and need to hire more staff. I drove through McDonalds to get a quick fix of disgusting food to make me feel better. Eye contact again with both the people I spoke with in the drive through. It was an acknowledgement of "Hi, here I am too" again.

I wonder if I'm becoming more aware of my surroundings, or if I'm being moved by random strangers for a reason.

A Lesson in Time

Today at work, Dr. Rob and I talked about timing. He told me that the Universe will never give you anything that you aren't ready for, as much as you might think you want it. He also told me that timing is everything and you might not always know what will work out best.  I realized my lesson in patience was looking at me with knowing eyes.

About two years ago now, I got a message from my Dragonfly that I would be a massage therapist and work at a chiropractor's office. Now, at the time, I was selling advertising, couldn't afford schooling and life was chaotic. It seemed that it was so far off, but I knew that's what I wanted and what would eventually happen, but I was so frustrated because it wasn't happening NOW!!! Whenever I get excited about something, I want it NOW, not realizing that at that particular time, it might not be best for everyone involved. 

It seemed to take forever to get into school, and I mean FOR-EV-ER!!! Everyone would ask me, "Well, what do you do?" And I say, "Well, I'm starting this job at Subzero, but I WANT to be a massage therapist." 

I started my sessions with Michaela soon after and I know I've written about this day before. But it just hit me again, the significance of timing. She worked out a payment plan for me, because she said it was "Most important that I was in this class." I found out two days before school started that I'd be attending. Upon going to school at Tibia, I thought the only reason was that I was to meet these amazing people in my class...but the timing was also totally perfect for the job I know have at Pro Health Chiropractic. If I would have graduated earlier or later, the timing would have been all wrong.

I could not ask for a better job or more fantastic people to work for. The opportunity to grow is awesome and in a year, I'll be managing two clinics. I click with these doctors and watch them play out so many interesting situations. I could have gotten a job at another chiropractor, but it wouldn't have been the same. It would have been at a chiropractor that still does old school manual therapy that doesn't really help their patients and probably wouldn't care about me as much as these two do. 

I told Dr. Rob about my vision today and the whole "timing" thing. He said, "Yeah, two years ago, I was still in Tennesse." And right then and there, it was confirmed for me again, that EVERYTHING happens for a reason and that if you are clear about what you want and where you are going, the Universe will deliver what you want in the BEST way possible for all situations. I just had to wait two years for this one for things to line up right.  It's all about patience.

But, if you walk around aimlessly with no plan, the Universe doesn't know what to bring to you. So, I'm getting more and more clear about what it is that I'm doing with my life and where I'm going. I know now just to be patient and everything will always just take care of itself. 

I tend to be damn good about knowing what will happen with people and timing, but not really with myself. I find that I put a lot of ego into it, what I want NOW, and that makes it pretty difficult to seperate from what I want, from what's dropping in with no agenda. 

I told my friend Sarah she'd be pregnaunt by September and she'd have twin boys. It's now Sept and she's about 3 weeks along. She'll find out in a few weeks if she's carrying one or two. I told my friend Bethany her child would be born around August 30th, and she said NO WAY, because her husband didn't want children. Well, guess what? He does now and they are going to start trying to get pregnaut around christmas. We'll see what happens. I told Tina that she'd be getting a job in health care and she'd know right away it was a good fit and would love it. Well, you guessed it. I see these things for people, but I don't attach a timeline, unless I hear it. Well, for me, I always attach MY ego based timeline. Yuck. I'm learing the lesson of trust and patience so much right now by being so happy at my new job and attitude. The budget sucks, but I know it isn't for long, and that's teaching me patience and that it's ok to stay home. 

You can get messed up thinking about timing and what if's? But I guess I feel like if this worked out so perfectly, so will everything else, it's just that the lesson isn't over yet. Those earlier times for me were HELL. Around February of this year, I wondered if life was even worth living. I was so sick, stressed and so out of sorts I barely recongized myself. I didn't think things would ever get better. I remember being in the dressing room backstage at Guys and Dolls thinking that I didn't care if I stopped breathing. When you're so sick you can't eat because it hurts so bad and you hate your job so much, it's hard to keep a good attitude. But, things worked out...but it doesn't mean I forgot the hard times. What I did was learn from them. I learned how much I can and cannot handle, how much of myself I'm willing to give up, and learned that true friendships go through some really difficult tests. 

Timing. Trusting. Living and Loving. Especially loving yourself enough to know that you are worth it.  I know I chose to be here right now, in this time, in this life, experience this. If I try to remember each situation that I label, "good or bad" I know it's another chance to experience. Experience what it means to be human, to be alive and breathing. Trusting myself and knowing myself enough that I can do anything I set my mind to. It's just that the other person might not be ready yet. So I wait. Tick...Tick....Tick.... There's more to this adventure I call the life of Jessica Bavery, however, my perspective keeps shifting to realize that timing is everything and I trust the ticks to be the right length of time apart as they are. That's hard to do without adding my bit in. But I learned today that the Universe knows better than me what's better for everyone. 

My life feels a bit like an episode of South Park today. A great lesson at the end of the show. 

There's Nothing Better Than Seeing Your Loved Ones Doing Something GREAT!

Today I went and saw Jordan in Tick...Tick...Boom! It's the story of the life of Jonathan Larson, my hero, who wrote RENT. 

Most of the people that actually read and/or care about my writing, know that RENT has changed my life in many ways. The first time I saw it, I was blown away, knowing that emotions that I have felt so hard in my life were being set to music and script. It changed the way I viewed the world, the way I viewed relationships and also the way I viewed myself. 

Jordan absolutely blew me away with his performance. First of all, it was so fun to see him dance around. Second of all, it was great to see him being goofy. Third of all, it was great to see him really feel what he was singing. I don't know if it was a combination of knowing how Jonathan's story ends, or the context of the show itself, or how much joy Jordan brings to my life, but it really moved me. I'm still thinking about it. I'm still thinking about the interesting synchronicity of life and the events in it that make us uniquely who we are. 

Today got me to thinking about all the other times I've felt this genuine rush of pride, of great love and of enormous joy. They include:

~Lance playing in and my Dad coaching the game that took Oregon to State. That was a double whammy.

~Stacy's emergency c-section birth to a beautiful baby girl

~Emily's decision to continue going to school for nursing. Even though I wasn't there in person, I sure felt like it in spirit.

~Jessie walking down the aisle

~My cousin's army salute at my Grandpa's funeral

~Ken's peformance in Rocky

~Maryanne singing to Paul on her wedding day

As you can see, there aren't a lot of moments in quantity, but certainly in quality. I can remember each of these moments in detail. There really is nothing better than watching someone you love doing something great. We are here to touch, move and inspire each other. If we don't, well really, what are we here for? I live for these moments, though few and far between, it is what makes life worth living. 

Thanks to Jordan for leaving me touched, moved and inspired today. I even thought I might have seen a little dragonfly hiding out in the corner. If I'm not mistaken, she said, "Not only is he going to be just fine, he's going to be great. You don't have to worry anymore." And with that, I have to say, "Thank You, Jonathan Larson, for still touching us here and now." 

These Dreams

Last night I had another crappy dream. I can't remember all the details, but it was wild. 

First, I was with someone looking at artifacts that were being researched. One was a leather briefcase type of case that was owned by the author of Charlotte's web. I started looking around in it and found a coin and some sort of token. I felt like I needed to keep it, and it was part of some mystery. I don't know if that's the event that led to the chasings and attacks or something else.

We suddenly were in Washington DC in the White House, but I don't know who was president. I got seperated from everyone and realized the place was under attack. I hid behind this bed as all these secret service and people were violently murdered. A little girl was decapitated. I hid as best as I could, but knew I needed to get out of there. Somehow, I managed to escape. 

I found myself in an unfamiliar home with my family. A kid came to the door with a gun. My family was out back. He was there to kill Sonny. I raced out back to warn them to come inside. They barely made it. I then was on a bike ride with my friend Jennifer and somebody else but I don't remember who. I didn't have a bike, so I had to share one and balance on the back of it while the other person pedaled. We were being chased. I don't really remember the details, only to know that I somehow had awesome martial arts skills.

It was gory, scary, and a ton of violence. I hate these dreams. I know that I got hit on the head and I watched murder after murder. I'm sure there are tons of things I'm forgetting. This is just what I remember after waking up. 

I've used dreammoods.com for years, to interpret what my subconscious is telling me. None of the interpretations are a "good" thing. My life is finally coming together and I'm finally reaching some of my goals. So why do I feel so whacked out? What am I missing?

What is it that I want/General Anxieties and Rants for the Day/Lessons in Patience/I want to kill myself because my brain won't shut up

I think there must come a time in everyone's life where they have to get clear and honest with themselves about what they REALLY want. It's time to cut the bullshit and really get brutally honest with yourself. I guess it doesn't have to be brutal, but it can be overwhelming and confusing.

My time is now, about a year and a half before my 30th birthday. I've had a GREAT time in my 20's. Lots of partying, lots of drinking, lots of fun and adventure, but when I look at it, it's left me with emptiness. Nothing of substance or sustainability. Yes, of course I love going out and socializng with my friends and family, but it's not fulfilling to me long term. It's not everything I want. I see people in their 40's and 50's still living this lifestyle and I can't help but feel sorry for them.

I started reading and educating myself about financial planning. I'd love to be able to retire at an age when I can still enjoy traveling and making a difference. I rolled over my old 401K into a Roth IRA, since I'm hoping the rest of my life will be spent self employed or working at a wonderful small company. No more big corporate jobs for me. It's for the birds. The old me would have taken that money and spent it on a new computer. Now I have to do the old fashioned thing and save up for one. That's going to take awhile on a very tight budget.

BIG SIGH. Yes, I've been known to be dramatic.

Well, I thought a lot about what I want. It's pretty simple, really. I want to love, travel and experience.

I want to be in a loving, supportive, trusting relationship. This means I have to get over myself. Really. I keep telling myself that I don't know how to date, nobody wants me anyway, the relationship thing doesn't work for me, I could go on and on. If that's what I keep saying, that's what I'll keep getting: Evidence for what I create for myself. But I really do hate dating. I hate putting on your best side for someone just so that they'll like you. I hate the awkward silences and feelings of rejection. I've usually dated guys that have been my friends and something more started to develop when we'd spend time together. But, right now, I don't feel like I have any options that I know of. So, it's back to square one. I don't plan on going on dating websites and crap like that, but I am opening up the possibility of meeting someone or "re-meeting" them if I already know them. If I'm really truly honest with myself, I do want a relationship, and I find myself really romantically lonely at times. There's still a part of me that feels like I'm unwanted. That's what needs to heal. It's so rare that I connect with someone romantically, and when I do, I have such a hard time letting go. I don't want to have to keep going through that over and over again.

I want to generate enough income so I can retire before 60. I also want to have a cabin up north that I can escape to and if/when I have a family, it can be a place for my children's family vacation memories. I want them to be able to know what life is like without a computer and cellphones and emails constantly nagging you. That there is pure joy and bliss in a cup of coffee and a good book. There's nothing more pleasing to me than spending time by water in the summer and watching the leaves change in the fall. I'd love to have a place for weekends of doing just that.

I want to have a successful business in bodywork. I want to specialize in myofascial release and trigger point therapy. To me, this makes the most difference emotionally and physically to the client...to free their bodies from the straight jacket it has imprisoned itself in. The continuing education classes are expensive, but I know I can save up for it and do it. Nothing brings me greater joy than helping someone with their pain. It's fun, it's like playing detective to see where it's stemming from and finding the source. Sometimes it takes a lot of tries. My work brings me joy, and that to me is more important than having a lot of money and doing the same mundane tasks over and over each day. Those jobs don't make a difference in our lives: they are just paycheck. I've lived that, and it's not enough for me. If I can go to bed at night, knowing I'm making a big difference and loving what I do, then it's a life well lived.

I want to travel. I recently had a conversation with my accountant. She is delightful and I always feel so inspired and powerful after talking with her. She travels a lot with her husband and they were getting ready to leave for a trip through Canada and Niagra Falls. I'd love to take vacations and see the world. I grew up very financially strapped and we never once took a vacation. It's hard to raise five kids on a teacher's salary and I don't blame my parents. I just want something different. I want to be able to do that for myself and my future family, if that is in the cards for me.

All this big "life thinking" has made me very anti-social and when I'm in social settings, I just don't feel relaxed or myself. Growing Pains? Or what is that? It's been making me feel strange. It's like I need this time all by myself, or maybe I'm afraid that people will laugh at my dreams. I don't really know what it's all about. I'm crying and laughing a lot, sometimes I feel bipolar. Seriously. I can't wait to be 30...isn't that when it gets easier?

These things are all great, but with goals, you have to have plans. That's where I seem to get stuck. I get really frustrated with myself because I'm not dating, I don't have a lot of money, and I feel like a lot of my life is on uncertain grounds. As I worry about this stuff, my skin and diet get worse. I hate it when my physical body is a product of my own produced stress. It is sometimes hard to breathe, which is probably why my stomach area is chock full of trigger points. Isn't that the solar plexus area? The energy there is the 3rd chakra, your sense of self. Maybe that's why I'm so into yellow lately. Makes sense. UGH!

Sometimes it's very hard to take it a day at a time and I know that's what I need to do. I have the tools I need to take care of this. I can't help but wonder if I'm so lit up lately because Intuitve Guidance 2 is coming up and it's getting ready to clear out. That'd be nice.

Life's Journey sure can be interesting. You never know what's going to happen to you. You can plan and plan, but you never really know. My life completely changed the day I met my Dragonfly. And, sometimes I wonder what it would be like if that had never happened. But you can't live off of what ifs. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I had married Dan. If I had never had an intervention that whispered subconsciously to me, "you're meant to do so much more." I do believe things happen for a reason. It's really hard sometimes though, because we hold on so tightly to what we think we want, rather than allowing space in our lives for what is to be for everyone's highest good.

Last Night, I Had A Dream

I found my place in a desert called cyberland. It was hot. My canteen...ok wrong show.

Last night I had a bizarre dream. I was getting married. To the wrong guy.

It was a BEAUTIFUL day. It was by the ocean and I had this gorgeous dress and veil. I just kept thinking that something was wrong. But what?

I started getting ready. It was odd because my bridesmaids weren't the ones that I would pick for my wedding now. They were childhood friends. I was out on the beach in my dress talking to one of the bridesmaids and a tiger swallowtail butterfly landed on her camera. I felt like I was forgetting something. Just this odd feeling. Who was I marrying?

I went back inside. Everyone was getting everything ready. Then I saw him. And he wasn't dressed to be the groom. It felt like that was really wrong. It felt like I was just being set up with some random guy to marry and I didn't know who it was.

I started to panic and cornered this guy who I thought I should be marrying. I said, "What is going on here?" I don't remember what he said, just that suddenly for a few minutes we were back at my childhood home. So many of my dreams take place there, so it's becoming very familiar. He said he had to make a phone call. He went into the garage and didn't come out. I found myself back on this beach, the wedding coordinator saying it had to start.

I didn't know what to do. All my friends and family were there, looking at me, ready to walk down the aisle. I was looking everywhere for this guy I was going to marry. I heard a name being shouted...not sure if it was mine or his or whatever. Then I woke up.

What the hell?

What kills us inside

I just got out of an awesome bath at my parents house. They have this HUGE bathtub and it's such a treat.

I put my legs up on the wall and relaxed. I looked at my legs. They looked like a super model's legs in all that froth and water. Super smooth skin, long and muscular. A thought came into my head. "I wonder what my legs would look like if I actually took good care of myself?" Well, they'd be way more muscular, better skin texture, probably a lot stronger...and the list goes on.

My point is this: What keeps us from taking really good care of ourselves? Getting enough sleep, exercising, eating well, mental health, emotional and physical needs? Why do we not love ourselves enough to do this?

It's sad. I witness so much potential in so many people. I don't notice it always in myself. I know if I ate better and exercised, my skin wouldn't be an issue. I wouldn't constantly be annoyed by my expanding love handles. But why? What's the issue here really? Where's the drive and motivation?

I find the crappier I take care of myself, the more depressed and anti social I get. I am so anti social right now. I hate it. I love my new job, so I really like going into work. It's so great to be around two really inspiring people. I love it. It makes me want to take better care of myself and be a better person. But the days I spend laying around the house, not doing much of anything, I feel like crap.

I need some motivation! I'd love for my legs to look like what they could look like if I actually took care of myself. But more so, I'd love to figure out what prevents me from doing this in the first place. How can I possibly expect to find a healthy relationship with somebody that I want to love me, if I don't even love me enough?

When you don't fit in

I didn't fit in last night. My cousin is getting married and I went to his fiance's bachlorette party. She's 20 and so are her friends. I've never been around more dramatic people. It was annoying and I tried to fit in, but I just didn't.

Like people find like people. I mean, usually the people you are closest to are a lot like you. You have similar interests or similar personalities and things you admire about one another. It's interesting, you can tell a lot about someone when you meet their friends.

When you change, usually your friendships do too. Even if you don't know you're changing. It's hard sometimes. Things just don't fit like they used to and you can feel yourself distancing.

I feel myself distancing from some of my "friends" right now. It just seems too dramatic and chaotic and awkward to keep being close friends. It just doesn't fit anymore. What scares me, is that it did fit. So well. And I have to then ask myself and be honest with myself...what did I find in all the drama that I wanted to keep having it in my life?

I find life very interesting. I'm always being introspective and learning from relationships. I'll probably always be that way. But, what that does mean is a lot of change. A lot of finding what does and does not work for you, and sometimes you find out the hard way.

Sometimes, I just don't fit, and that's ok. When my friend gave us a ride back to my car, that was the most fun I had all night. Laughing and joking around. I fit. That felt good.

I thought of something to say

I'm really hungry. I've been eating non-stop today, it's absurd. I'd really like some deli-style pasta salad right now with lots of disgusting mayo type sauce. It's always all about the sauce. I realize this type of behavior is not getting me anywhere closer to being incredibly sexy and sassy.

I'm looking forward to September, lots of fun things going on. Like what you might ask? Well like this stuff:

Dragonfly Wellness opens

I start my new job full time

Jordan's musical that he will probably make me cry at

Lauren's birthday party

Intuitive Guidance 2

Pro Health Chiro's open house

Dennis' Birthday

All these good things and more, coming up in September. 

??????

What should I write about today? I don't really have a topic in mind, but I feel like writing nonetheless. 

Hmmmm....

Dear Diary,

Today I met a boy. He was really cute. That's actually not true. I just don't know what to write about.

Let's see:

I went on a walk today. It was really nice to enjoy the late summer air and get out of the condo for awhile. I've been increasingly aware of how important it is to take little breaks like that for yourself. I've been doing so much for Dragonfly and I started training at my new job this week, so the little breaks are important. I'm absolutely loving this weather. Except for the ragweed or whatever it is that cause my eyes to feel like they are glowing like the Terminator's.

I'm finding myself becoming alarmingly anti-social. This isn't like me. Perhap's I'm channeling the ghost of Christmas Past. That didn't make any sense. I swear, I haven't been drinking. It's just that I'm sick of people. I mean, not everyone, but most people. I'm liking spending time alone more and more. Does this mean I'm just getting boring, or more comfortable in my skin? I dunno. 

I've got the back to school fever. That's rush of anticipation for something new. I feel it. It's palpable. I like it. 

And so it begins, another cycle. I hope this coming winter is much better than the last. 

A question of wonder

It's Friday night and I just got done meditating. I'd normally surrender to the norm of friends and booze, but the budget does not allow at this moment. So, I'm forced to spend time with myself, and that can get interesting.

I started with smoking a bit of fun and proceeded to get jacked up on orange crush and chips ahoy cookies while watching the video of Matt and Stacy's wedding. Really? Yes really. I watched mine and Nate's toast and remembered the good times. I saw myself five years ago, a totally different person, but yet the same. I just hadn't really done any self examination and was pretty naive to the world. I was much prettier back then. 

I danced for a bit around the condo...clearly a byproduct of too much sugar and reduced inhibitions. I thought a lot about friendships. I thought a lot about the current ones in my life and which ones are reciprocal and which ones are not. I thought a lot about how I care for others who don't really care all that much about me...or at least don't or can't show it. I couldn't help but wonder...is it time to just get over myself? Who really matters and who doesn't?

During meditation, I kept having the reoccuring thought of  "Should I just laugh off everything, or should I feel things too?" I think the answer for me is balance. I can laugh off a lot. I can also feel a lot. But is the answer always to get over yourself? How do you communicate to others your feelings? Do you just keep these thoughts to yourself and not share them? What if people are sick of listening to you? I guess that's what I create for myself in my head. Nobody will really care or want to listen, and if I try to share, can I truly explain myself? My tongue always gets so tied when it comes to something real. 

I get tired of people having the same issues over and over. It's like get over yourself...but I can see that irritation I have with others is what is mirroring in me. Will I always want what I can't have? Will I always feel like I need to tell someone how I feel? Why can't it be enough for me to just have these thoughts and feelings to myself? Does anyone really give a shit anyway? 

I find myself caring less and less about people's issues and dramas and lives. Is this just my way of avoiding it in my own life? Probably. But I guess not dealing with anyone makes for quite a lonely life...or a lot of very superficial friendships.  Hmmmm. I feel like some of my friendships are fading fast and I can't save them. I feel like I'm the only one who actually cares about them or wants to do something about it. Maybe it's just a lot of wasted energy. Maybe I need to focus more on myself.

I know this feeling. This feeling of wiping the board clean and starting fresh.A sense of peace and balance and anticipation. I was in this mind frame almost a two years ago now when I first met Jordan. A perfect space that I was in, happy, fresh and full of anticipation... but that wasn't to last long. It lead me on this fascinating journey of true self discovery. It's coming around again....this feeling. This feeling of just being clear and ready for what's next. This feeling of drifting apart from others. I wonder who's going to be around the corner this time. 

Life's going to be changing dramatically for me in the next few weeks. Going from not working at all to having two jobs. Things are going to get interesting. I wonder if my life is being purged of certain people because they either don't fit anymore, or they just truly don't care about me. Connections come and go. I just hate it when they go. But I see the beauty in it, even if it hurts like hell. 

Sometimes when I'm just sitting here by myself, I wonder a lot about what it'd be like if certain things didn't happen. But they did. The thing is, I wonder if anybody else thinks about these things too? It's the little things that eat away at us inside. But I seriously still believe in True Love. I believe that nothing is totally impossible. How delusional am I? 

Prettty Damn Inspiring

Micah Alberti...small town kid from Oregon, WI. He's one of my brother's friends, two years younger. He left Oregon to pursue acting. He's been on All My Children and the show "Wildfire." I'm sure among other things.

He's dating Bruce Willis' daughter now. I think the pics say it all. It's pretty damn inspiring what can happen if you go for your dreams. I think he's in good company now.

Technology is killing our relationships

Don't get me wrong. The Internet is a GREAT invention. You can find recipes, keep track of money markets, email friends and even send pictures to people you rarely get to see. It's a great way to keep in touch, however it seems to be increasingly common that it's the only way we keep in touch and I believe it's causing a huge shift in relationships.

When I was in high school, you had to CALL someone to hang out or ask them a question. Email was just starting to become popular, and for me, it was a great way to keep in touch with my friend Bekah, who was in school in Idaho. Now, I don't have to do that, because I can just check her facebook. Sad, but true. 

My sister's boyfriend recently broke up with her and she was more upset about what she saw on facebook then what actually happened. It was like her life was playing out online. I too, have fallen prey to that. "Oh, this is going on and his facebook says..." It's ridiculous. Instead of actually calling or talking to someone in person, just check their facebook status or their blog or whatever it is. You can always send a quick text instead of communicating with your voice. Hmmm.

The Internet is kind of like alcohol when it comes to relationships: You can hide behind your computer, it gives you a false sense of security and releases  more inhibitions. You can also get totally delusional about what people put on their personal websites.  I see it more so in the younger generation, because they have grown up with the Internet being more prominent in their lives.

It's easier to spend a Friday night surfing YouTube or Blogging than it is to actually live a real life. It's so easy to isolate yourself from your friendships because you have your computer friend. 15 years ago, this wasn't the case. I think the Internet is causing a shift in human relationships. It's sad. 

Why call someone to see how they are doing? You can check their blog, their facebook, their myspace, email them, or IM them. Screw the personal interaction...the world nowadays makes it too easy to not have to keep in touch. A hand written note is a rarity. It's dis-heartening.

I've thought about deleting all my Internet stuff, but then, who would keep in touch with me? I guess it'd be a good experiment. 

If we didn't have the Internet to entertain us, what would we do? I guess I would actually work out, spend time preparing nice meals, read more, call my friends, try out a new hobby like knitting or scrapbooking, take more pictures, have better conversations and less misunderstandings with people, and have a really clean condo. Those are just a few things off the top of my head. Imagine that. My life would be so much better and active...like I always claim I want it to be. But what's holding me back: Oh, I have to blog and sit on my ass for the next 45 minutes. It's too addicting. Sad, but true.

The Internet is like alcohol: Slowly killing our soul and body, but not really realizing it until it's too late. 

The Irony of Relationships

This weekend is my ten year high school reunion. Via the amazing internet, a lot of us have become reacquainted again on facebook. It's ironic that some of the people that caused me the most pain are now my friends. It's ironic that you just never know what will happen in life.

I'll NEVER forget the 8th grade dance. I was dating this guy Shaun all year, and to this day, he's my favorite boyfriend that I've ever had. It was so sweet and innocent and he cared about me so much. There were no games, no drama, no crappy sex. It just was what it was. Two people being honest and present with each other and loving every minute of it.  My grandma took me out to buy a special dress for the formal dance at the end of the year. Then, out of the blue, he broke up with me a week before the dance. I was devastated.

I found out a few days later that he was taking another girl. Jamie Martig. I hated them both. How could they do this to me? They were just going "as friends," but something told me that wasn't true.

The night of the dance they started "going out." To me, it was the end of the world. My poor little 14 year old heart was broken. I will never ever forget the pain of that. It hurt so badly and I cried all night. It was my first experience with that sort of pain and it was difficult. At that moment, I thought everything was over in my life. Of course, you grow up, you move on, you meet other people and you just kind of forget...or do you?

It's funny because Shaun and I went out on a date when he was home from his last leave from Iraq last winter. He's almost done with his time in the army and is moving back to Wisconsin. Jamie is now married and has adorable children and we are friends. Isn't that ironic? I don't know if anything will happen with Shaun and I. I just think it's ironic that the situation now is so much further from what I thought it would be in my 14 year old head. In my 14 year old head, they were married and were planning baby names.  You just never know what can happen...and who will be in your future.

I've gotten reacquainted with many friends that I was very close to in my younger years, but just lost touch. I see these girls becoming a part of my adult life and I'm very excited about it. It was like we each needed to explore and live for the past ten years, and it's ready to come back together, better than ever. Sometimes people just need space and need to grow apart. If they are meant to be in your life, it'll happen...even if it's ten years later.

I was the girl who was friends with everyone, but I did get my fair share of teasing and torture, just like everyone else. It's part of growing up. I remember when the new girl Emily moved here in 8th grade. She slapped this really "popular" guy because he was being a dick. I can't believe she did that, and I thought, "who is this girl who is standing up for herself like that?" We're still friends to this day...ironic and she still inspires me to stand up for myself.

Relationships are so interesting. We form these relationships because we NEED people. You can say that's not true over and over, but it simply is true. We need each other. Sometimes that changes forms or people...but we do need others. We can isolate ourselves, but that only lasts for so long. Human beings are meant to be social, thriving and happy creatures. 

Relationships can change. It can go from friendship to dating to nothing to really close friends to seeing each other a few times a year. Relationships are always changing. I just think it's so ironic that something that could make me so upset so many years ago is getting another chance for healing, and not only that, an opportunity for a new friendship with somebody I already know I love. 

Knock Knock...It's Your Future

I can almost hear my 14-year old self explaining to my aunt that I had it "all figured out" for my life and there was no need to worry.

First, I'd get married right after college. I'd major in biology and work with marine life and do independent ocean research. I'd have two kids and my husband would make decent money as well. We'd live in Florida so I could be close to the ocean for my career. Well...that future didn't work. I didn't need to worry about finding a husband, because my parents told me I was pretty, and that's really all I needed. Well, here I am 28, still pretty, and still no husband. I'm pretty sure it has a lot more to do with it than  that. What you'll believe when you are 14.....

In early college years, I was pretty sure I'd marry Dan and we'd move up to northern Wisconsin so I could start my career in television news, earning an awesome $15,000 a year in Rhinelander, WI. We'd talked about getting married the summer after graduation. In that moment in my life, that's all I wanted...to get married, have a few kids, and call it a day. WTF was I thinking? I guess that's what binge drinking will do to you.

Here I am, 28 years old and planning my own future. I've found what I LOVE to do and I also know a lot of my income is dependent on how well I do for myself. I need to plan well and live well. I want to retire by the time I'm 55. There's a lot I want to do in this lifetime...mostly traveling the world and making a difference, but that requires a lot of money. I've been researching and reading a lot about investing and retirement planning and my budget needs a makeover. So this month, my whole way of financial thinking is getting a huge make over for the better. I'm meeting with a financial planner and getting it all together. Grandpa Russ would be so proud.

The thing is, I don't want to end up like my parents. They just simply weren't educated when it comes to money and budgeting and investing. They are now getting it and getting more prepared, but I want to get this stuff taken care of and in good hands now. I really should have done that when I started my first job, but I didn't think that "stuff" was important. It is.

I'm a lot further ahead than most people my age because I own my own home and now I'm going to hang on to that property as long as possible, even seeing if I can get it paid off in 15 years instead of 30. 

You can't really plan for your future as far as what is going to happen, because you just don't know. But I want to be safe and secure, and this means planning for my own future and not always listening to what everyone else is doing or thinks I should be doing. Remember being pretty is all you need to find a rich husband. GAG!!!

I look back at the younger versions of myself and laugh a bit. I'm sure I'll look back at me in ten years from now and laugh a bit too.

My ten year high school reunion is this weekend, and I couldn't be happier to attend. I can't wait to see what these last ten years has brought to my classmate's lives and for them to see me too. A lot happens in ten years. A lot happens in one year. 

I can't keep putting off so many things. The future is now. Now is the time to start up Dragonfly, to open the Roth IRA and to make bigger mortgage payments. Now is the time to say yes to dating if someone manages to spark my interest. Now is the time to start budgeting and planning for mine and Britter's Europe trip in two years. I've never really been a planner, but I'm learning one step at a time.