I hope this works. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Please Work. Please Work.

On Wednesday, I'm getting my first laser treatment done for my skin. I'm so hoping that it finally kills all the acne bacteria and releases me from the torment of self loathing that my skin condition encompasses on a daily basis.

I was looking at old pictures that my mom has so 'lovingly' put up on facebook. It's weird because I didn't have skin issues in my younger teenage years when most people do. My problems started around the age of 21...the first year that I can observe looking back that I truly started hating myself.

I was 21 and living with my three friends Stacy, Maryanne and Jess. I was a junior in college and had no clue about what I wanted to do. I had recently sung the national anthem at the Kohl Center and got carried away by all the media attention. I had always been a great writer (or so my high school teachers say) so I thought, "I'll be a journalist." I don't think I could have picked something farther from who I was, but my ego loved it.

The guy I was interested in tried to commit suicide on my 21st birthday. So, not only was he clearly not ready for any sort of relationship whatsoever, he also picked my most important birthday to date to attempt the deed. At the time, it was the most horrible night that had ever happened. Looking back, I realize how ridiculously stupid I was to date someone that was so emotionally dead. But we started dating. Oh good. Perfect. I cant' believe I hated myself so much to not even get it.

I started picking up the pieces for this man. I breathed for him, because I knew if I didn't, he'd stop. He would be dead today if it wasn't for me. I realized that I have a habit of coming into people's lives when they need me. It's usually some kind of a big crisis. It's oddly strange, yet I guess, necessary. What I didn't realize is that I could have left him alone after that. But I kept trying. And trying.

My skin kept getting worse. I kept getting more frustrated. I kept gaining weight because I was working on my movie and would be up for 36 hours editing. I didn't take care of myself at all. I stopped working out, which was incredibly unfortunate because I had been in such good shape. 5'9" and 145 and yoga-toned ain't too shabby for a Wisconsin girl. I let myself creep up to almost 170, saturating myself and numbing myself with food and Dan. I took care of that man. I'm the one who had to call his family when he tried suicide again. I'm the one who constantly worried that this day he wouldn't make it. If I had only known then that it was all for attention. Some people are so incredibly fucked up.

The man who changed my life showed up for me. His name was Kevin. It was like some weird, strange "knowing" when I met him. He's really one of the first people I got that "I've known you from before" vibe from. He was in a long term relationship as well, and I think deep down, both of us knew we weren't leaving them. We clicked. We laughed uncontrollably together. He was the funniest person I knew besides Nate and incredibly handsome. We were talking one night and he started singing this song he had made up for me. It was hilarious. And in my head I kept hearing, "Dan's not for you, he's just not for you."

Nothing ever became between Kevin and I. We had a moment where we almost kissed, but it's not to be in this lifetime. The role he played for me showed me that there were so many better things out there in life. That I shouldn't settle just because it's comfortable. I wanted someone to inspire me and to laugh with me. Dan did none of those things. Kevin represented everything I was missing.

The night before graduation, I knew it was the very last night that Dan and I would ever spend together. I just lost it. I cried and cried, and I couldn't explain to him why. I had realized something that was a long time coming was about to occur. This could have been the beginning of realizing I had amazing intuition, but who knows. I was a different girl back then. I cried for two hours. Who does that? Certainly not me. I couldn't stop. I realized I had to take a step forward, but I had no idea how to do that. Dan was all I had known, because I had lost myself in absorption into his life. I had nothing left that was mine, or so it seemed.

The next day it was graduation day. We dressed in our gowns and got ready to meet our parents. It was so awkward, hanging out with our parents, with me knowing in my heart this was going to end probably that night. I went to go get in line for my diploma and low and behold, there was Kevin, smiling that amazing smile of his. I smiled back and he came up to me and we joked and laughed and hugged. And I realized....I had my smile. I had me, even if I had to find my way back one step at a time. That was the last time I saw Kevin. I would love to cross paths with him someday. I know he married his girlfriend. I would like to thank him for saving my life.

Dan broke up with me that night. A week later, he was wanting me back. Dan never ever did anything romantic or nice for me. Stacy's fiancee at the time bought me roses for Valentines because Dan forgot. Unfortunately Dan didn't get the message in time, so he was very confused when I called to thank him for the roses. Yup. Great boyfriend huh? And it's not even really about the roses, it's more so about the consideration and lack of it that he had. No respect for me, my time or who I was. Nothing. He was the guy that said he'd call at ten and he'd call at 1 am. He was the guy who would say he was going up with me for a weekend away and then I find out he never intended to in the first place after I had made plans to go. He was the guy who had money, but didn't get me anything for holidays or birthdays and I was in debt up to my ears in student loans, but always found something special for him. The night that Dan asked for me back, he wrote me a "poem." Mind you, it was full of wrongly spelled words and bad punctuation. It was a rip-off from the movie, Ten Things I Hate About You. I realized then and there, that I deserved better. I left.

I called my friend Fiver on the way home in tears. I asked him if I had done the right thing. Actually, I didn't ask him, I just told him to tell me I did the right thing so I wouldn't turn around and drive back. He told me I did the right thing. That summer, I had the best time I had had in years. My skin started to look a lot better, but yet, I still had the scars.

I started working at American and met the man that would ruin my life. He was married, but neglected to tell me he intended to still stay married and instead told me he was in the process of divorce. It was fast and it was chaotic, but I felt he was my soul mate. My skin had never looked worse. The scars I have on my cheeks today are from those months. It was awful. Just awful. When he sent me an EMAIL saying that he decided indeed to stay with his wife and they were moving away, I died a bit inside. I'm not the type of person to fall for a married man, and then to be lied to and cast aside like I meant nothing was devastating. I was done. I was sure I was going to marry this guy. I got so sick with mono it was ridiculous. I couldn't really talk to anyone about this because I was so embarrassed. I realized now that I was just a girl with little self esteem that was taken advantage of. I don't recognize that girl today.

Although these things happened years ago, my skin has never cleared. It might be genetic, it might be diet, it might be stress, but I can't help but wonder if it's emotional. Almost like I'm still wearing that bit of self loathing on my face, for all to see. I just want it to heal and go away. I hope this therapy works because I have tried it all.

It's ironic how we think the world ends when something extremely "bad" happens to us. Later in life, we can look back and track it and see why it happened. If I would not have dated Dan, I never would have met Nate, who is my BFF for life. If I wouldn't have met Nate, I would not have met Matt and Stacy and he would have not met. Lauren would not exist. Without Nate, I would have never started at American, which is where I met married guy. Without that experience, I would have not realized my self worth, because I clearly didn't learn from Dan. Maybe these things would have still happened, but just in different ways. It's hard to say. Nobody knows. I'm just happy to be where I am at now.

I hope this laser can help erase the scars that made me into who I am and what I believe and stand for. I hope this laser can erase the past along with the hurt. I hope this laser can give me a chance to start again, fresh. Sometimes, all you need is a fresh start. To be able to look at myself in the mirror and not cringe...To be able to not load on tons of makeup everyday...to be able to just breathe. To be able to wake up next to the man I love and be comfortable in how I look. There's so many things I'm looking forward to.

I hope this works.