Oh, the power of a little Grey's...

Sarah and I are mid marathon in Season 4 of Grey's. We pretty much missed the entire season, so we are getting all caught up so we can continue with Season 5 this year. Thank god for Nate and DVR for us! He's so my hero.

Tonight's episode involved one of the characters (Miranda) who is now the chief resident at Seattle Grace hospital. There was a bus accident and her high school crush was a victim. Basically the story line unfolded that she did all his homework for him in high school and saved his life in present day, and he still didn't "see" her. He kept expecting her to pick up the slack, clearly not respecting her or giving her the emotional support she so desired. And I can't help but compare this to my own life. I find myself thinking I might be getting a little bit too deep in on this one, so better to sometimes bury it inside and not think about it and stay busy. I know that's not a cure, but it's a band aid.

I am a beautiful, outgoing, fun, passionate, risky, charming, compassionate, and charismatic person. I get along with anyone, unless they are an energetic nightmare, then I just don't bother. I own my own business. I work really hard. I enjoy my friends and family. I try my best, even though sometimes I fail. I'm just a human being, but I'm someone who can communicate and laugh and be silly. I do nice things for people just because it's fun. I stand my ground but keep an open mind. I love to try new things. I've had some of the same friends for years. I throw a damn good party and made a killer breakfast. But, he still doesn't see me. And sometimes that feels like none of these great things about me really matter. I've given up, and know that I deserve someone who sees me clearly. But why is it that we have such a hard time letting go of the person that never really wanted to see us clearly in the first place? A guy would have to be completely retarded not to want to date me. It's so interesting to see how we get wired up the way we do.

It doesn't take a genius to figure this one out. Just take psych 101. I wasn't a great athlete, but I got solos in choir. I was chosen to go to honors state choir. I was part of an award winning marching band. I had a job since I was 14 years old, my family claiming they never had money to buy me things like clothes. I had fantastic friendships. I was in the National Honor Society. But he still didn't see me. He saw my brothers, who were star athletes, never having to have a job, because somehow, there was always enough money for what they needed. They didn't have TIME for things like that. Of course not...I mean, musicals and shows and performances didn't require any time at all.

The wound is deep. It'll take someone very special to fix it. That person, is me.

Risks...ie, my daily whining

Today I got to thinking how nothing great in life comes without great risk. It's true. And I'm living it.

The Universe forced me out of my shitty job, which was great and now I love what I do, which is great. The money: not so great. I'm making half of what I used to make. That really sucks.

It won't always be this way. In about 6 months, I'll be managing two offices and be in a nice space for doing massage with my physical therapist and dragonfly will be well under way. There are so many start up costs to starting your own business. It really sucks. I'm in the red now, but I know it won't always be that way.

Time to give up. That's what most people do. But not me.

I'm living my dream, slowly, but surely. It's so great to be able to help people and enjoy what I do. Yeah, every other day I feel like the world is ending, but I know life isn't all about being able to go on a shopping spree at Target. It's teaching me a lot. I'm excited to see what I can create for myself with all these aweomse opportunities. I got a new client today at the PT and that made my day. It's baby steps, but it was such a huge risk.

I'm hoping the risk will be worth it. I'm struggling. I have pretty much no time for myself and working 12 hour days as I get Dragonfly up and running. There is so much to do!!! You wouldn't think it, but there is. When I'm not at Pro Health or Back in Motion, I'm running around doing things for Dragonfly.

I took a leap of faith with this one and I'm trusting myself and my employers. Yikes. I'm really really trusting here.

It's hard not to get discouraged sometimes. It's hard to see that I still have so many things I need to buy for my space that are necessities but no means to get them yet. How can I manifest tons of clients when I don't have the supplies? Basic laws of the Universe say that it won't come to you until you are ready. Ok. So I'm trying to get ready as best as I can.

They say nothing great in life comes without risks. I took the leap of faith. Here goes....

I feel so Loriliae Gilmore. Even though she's fictional, I so feel like the episode when she runs out of money, ironically enough, to open the Dragonfly Inn. Then Luke lends her the money and it all works out. I, unfortunately, do not have a Luke. All I have is me.

Mix One Part Hippie to Two Parts Business Woman to Three Parts Glam to One Part Disney Princess to Four Parts Vixen-the taking advantage of men

And you have me.

Well, kind of.

I learned something about myself this weekend. As much as I do "new age" type reading and energy work and emotional healing, I'm so not a "New Ager." I cannot possibly fit the stereotype because I'm way too posh. I don't mean this in a egotistical or narcissistic way. It's just true. I'm never going to wear flowly hippie gowns or not shower or not shave or not pluck my eyebrows. It's just not me.

Yes, I'm bringing out the catty judgemental side of me, but it's also the sarcastic and funny side of me too. I did a reiki share today at a clinic downtown. WTF is all I have to say. People are just so weird. Sooo freaking weird. Am I this weird too?

I'm changing.

I spent the weekend up north with my good friends. A lot of fun. The things I want in life are simple. I find myself not loving doing energy work anymore as much as I love doing theraputic muscle work. I love the fact that I knew how to fix Stacy's leg this weekend. That to me is really cool.

It's like the hippie in me is slowly dying, or was never much there to begin with. I still love going to the farmer's market and using organic and natural products when I can and complimentary medicine, but damn it, I wear lipstick!

I'm slowly realizing this blog has pretty much no point. I guess in a nutshell is that today, I realized how fucking weird some "new age" people can be. And I'm not necessarily worried about how I look to others, but I'm realizing just how judgemental I can be. I was surrounded by "oh everything is beautiful" and blah blah blah by people I didn't fit in with. It was awkward and annoying.

One girl said, "My dream is to have a donations only clinic" ok great...that's a lot of people's dreams...but how are you going to pay your bills and what are you doing to make that happen in your life? Nothing. I'm getting irked by people who say that they want things to change and do things but then don't take action to make it happen. If you don't take action, you go nowhere. And I like going somewhere. Even if it's just up to Wausau for the weekend.

Here I am, too!

Today was interesting. An interesting day of eye contact. After dropping off Sarah, I turned my car around and headed to work. Upon yeilding to get onto the beltline, another car turned ahead of me. I made eye contact with the driver, it was really strange, almost pulling. He waved. Like, "Hi, here I am too on this journey of life. I'll probably never see you again, but I get it."

Hmmmm.

Today was a stressful day of work. The first day where I was like wow, this kind of blows. But it's because we are so busy and need to hire more staff. I drove through McDonalds to get a quick fix of disgusting food to make me feel better. Eye contact again with both the people I spoke with in the drive through. It was an acknowledgement of "Hi, here I am too" again.

I wonder if I'm becoming more aware of my surroundings, or if I'm being moved by random strangers for a reason.

A Lesson in Time

Today at work, Dr. Rob and I talked about timing. He told me that the Universe will never give you anything that you aren't ready for, as much as you might think you want it. He also told me that timing is everything and you might not always know what will work out best.  I realized my lesson in patience was looking at me with knowing eyes.

About two years ago now, I got a message from my Dragonfly that I would be a massage therapist and work at a chiropractor's office. Now, at the time, I was selling advertising, couldn't afford schooling and life was chaotic. It seemed that it was so far off, but I knew that's what I wanted and what would eventually happen, but I was so frustrated because it wasn't happening NOW!!! Whenever I get excited about something, I want it NOW, not realizing that at that particular time, it might not be best for everyone involved. 

It seemed to take forever to get into school, and I mean FOR-EV-ER!!! Everyone would ask me, "Well, what do you do?" And I say, "Well, I'm starting this job at Subzero, but I WANT to be a massage therapist." 

I started my sessions with Michaela soon after and I know I've written about this day before. But it just hit me again, the significance of timing. She worked out a payment plan for me, because she said it was "Most important that I was in this class." I found out two days before school started that I'd be attending. Upon going to school at Tibia, I thought the only reason was that I was to meet these amazing people in my class...but the timing was also totally perfect for the job I know have at Pro Health Chiropractic. If I would have graduated earlier or later, the timing would have been all wrong.

I could not ask for a better job or more fantastic people to work for. The opportunity to grow is awesome and in a year, I'll be managing two clinics. I click with these doctors and watch them play out so many interesting situations. I could have gotten a job at another chiropractor, but it wouldn't have been the same. It would have been at a chiropractor that still does old school manual therapy that doesn't really help their patients and probably wouldn't care about me as much as these two do. 

I told Dr. Rob about my vision today and the whole "timing" thing. He said, "Yeah, two years ago, I was still in Tennesse." And right then and there, it was confirmed for me again, that EVERYTHING happens for a reason and that if you are clear about what you want and where you are going, the Universe will deliver what you want in the BEST way possible for all situations. I just had to wait two years for this one for things to line up right.  It's all about patience.

But, if you walk around aimlessly with no plan, the Universe doesn't know what to bring to you. So, I'm getting more and more clear about what it is that I'm doing with my life and where I'm going. I know now just to be patient and everything will always just take care of itself. 

I tend to be damn good about knowing what will happen with people and timing, but not really with myself. I find that I put a lot of ego into it, what I want NOW, and that makes it pretty difficult to seperate from what I want, from what's dropping in with no agenda. 

I told my friend Sarah she'd be pregnaunt by September and she'd have twin boys. It's now Sept and she's about 3 weeks along. She'll find out in a few weeks if she's carrying one or two. I told my friend Bethany her child would be born around August 30th, and she said NO WAY, because her husband didn't want children. Well, guess what? He does now and they are going to start trying to get pregnaut around christmas. We'll see what happens. I told Tina that she'd be getting a job in health care and she'd know right away it was a good fit and would love it. Well, you guessed it. I see these things for people, but I don't attach a timeline, unless I hear it. Well, for me, I always attach MY ego based timeline. Yuck. I'm learing the lesson of trust and patience so much right now by being so happy at my new job and attitude. The budget sucks, but I know it isn't for long, and that's teaching me patience and that it's ok to stay home. 

You can get messed up thinking about timing and what if's? But I guess I feel like if this worked out so perfectly, so will everything else, it's just that the lesson isn't over yet. Those earlier times for me were HELL. Around February of this year, I wondered if life was even worth living. I was so sick, stressed and so out of sorts I barely recongized myself. I didn't think things would ever get better. I remember being in the dressing room backstage at Guys and Dolls thinking that I didn't care if I stopped breathing. When you're so sick you can't eat because it hurts so bad and you hate your job so much, it's hard to keep a good attitude. But, things worked out...but it doesn't mean I forgot the hard times. What I did was learn from them. I learned how much I can and cannot handle, how much of myself I'm willing to give up, and learned that true friendships go through some really difficult tests. 

Timing. Trusting. Living and Loving. Especially loving yourself enough to know that you are worth it.  I know I chose to be here right now, in this time, in this life, experience this. If I try to remember each situation that I label, "good or bad" I know it's another chance to experience. Experience what it means to be human, to be alive and breathing. Trusting myself and knowing myself enough that I can do anything I set my mind to. It's just that the other person might not be ready yet. So I wait. Tick...Tick....Tick.... There's more to this adventure I call the life of Jessica Bavery, however, my perspective keeps shifting to realize that timing is everything and I trust the ticks to be the right length of time apart as they are. That's hard to do without adding my bit in. But I learned today that the Universe knows better than me what's better for everyone. 

My life feels a bit like an episode of South Park today. A great lesson at the end of the show. 

There's Nothing Better Than Seeing Your Loved Ones Doing Something GREAT!

Today I went and saw Jordan in Tick...Tick...Boom! It's the story of the life of Jonathan Larson, my hero, who wrote RENT. 

Most of the people that actually read and/or care about my writing, know that RENT has changed my life in many ways. The first time I saw it, I was blown away, knowing that emotions that I have felt so hard in my life were being set to music and script. It changed the way I viewed the world, the way I viewed relationships and also the way I viewed myself. 

Jordan absolutely blew me away with his performance. First of all, it was so fun to see him dance around. Second of all, it was great to see him being goofy. Third of all, it was great to see him really feel what he was singing. I don't know if it was a combination of knowing how Jonathan's story ends, or the context of the show itself, or how much joy Jordan brings to my life, but it really moved me. I'm still thinking about it. I'm still thinking about the interesting synchronicity of life and the events in it that make us uniquely who we are. 

Today got me to thinking about all the other times I've felt this genuine rush of pride, of great love and of enormous joy. They include:

~Lance playing in and my Dad coaching the game that took Oregon to State. That was a double whammy.

~Stacy's emergency c-section birth to a beautiful baby girl

~Emily's decision to continue going to school for nursing. Even though I wasn't there in person, I sure felt like it in spirit.

~Jessie walking down the aisle

~My cousin's army salute at my Grandpa's funeral

~Ken's peformance in Rocky

~Maryanne singing to Paul on her wedding day

As you can see, there aren't a lot of moments in quantity, but certainly in quality. I can remember each of these moments in detail. There really is nothing better than watching someone you love doing something great. We are here to touch, move and inspire each other. If we don't, well really, what are we here for? I live for these moments, though few and far between, it is what makes life worth living. 

Thanks to Jordan for leaving me touched, moved and inspired today. I even thought I might have seen a little dragonfly hiding out in the corner. If I'm not mistaken, she said, "Not only is he going to be just fine, he's going to be great. You don't have to worry anymore." And with that, I have to say, "Thank You, Jonathan Larson, for still touching us here and now." 

These Dreams

Last night I had another crappy dream. I can't remember all the details, but it was wild. 

First, I was with someone looking at artifacts that were being researched. One was a leather briefcase type of case that was owned by the author of Charlotte's web. I started looking around in it and found a coin and some sort of token. I felt like I needed to keep it, and it was part of some mystery. I don't know if that's the event that led to the chasings and attacks or something else.

We suddenly were in Washington DC in the White House, but I don't know who was president. I got seperated from everyone and realized the place was under attack. I hid behind this bed as all these secret service and people were violently murdered. A little girl was decapitated. I hid as best as I could, but knew I needed to get out of there. Somehow, I managed to escape. 

I found myself in an unfamiliar home with my family. A kid came to the door with a gun. My family was out back. He was there to kill Sonny. I raced out back to warn them to come inside. They barely made it. I then was on a bike ride with my friend Jennifer and somebody else but I don't remember who. I didn't have a bike, so I had to share one and balance on the back of it while the other person pedaled. We were being chased. I don't really remember the details, only to know that I somehow had awesome martial arts skills.

It was gory, scary, and a ton of violence. I hate these dreams. I know that I got hit on the head and I watched murder after murder. I'm sure there are tons of things I'm forgetting. This is just what I remember after waking up. 

I've used dreammoods.com for years, to interpret what my subconscious is telling me. None of the interpretations are a "good" thing. My life is finally coming together and I'm finally reaching some of my goals. So why do I feel so whacked out? What am I missing?

What is it that I want/General Anxieties and Rants for the Day/Lessons in Patience/I want to kill myself because my brain won't shut up

I think there must come a time in everyone's life where they have to get clear and honest with themselves about what they REALLY want. It's time to cut the bullshit and really get brutally honest with yourself. I guess it doesn't have to be brutal, but it can be overwhelming and confusing.

My time is now, about a year and a half before my 30th birthday. I've had a GREAT time in my 20's. Lots of partying, lots of drinking, lots of fun and adventure, but when I look at it, it's left me with emptiness. Nothing of substance or sustainability. Yes, of course I love going out and socializng with my friends and family, but it's not fulfilling to me long term. It's not everything I want. I see people in their 40's and 50's still living this lifestyle and I can't help but feel sorry for them.

I started reading and educating myself about financial planning. I'd love to be able to retire at an age when I can still enjoy traveling and making a difference. I rolled over my old 401K into a Roth IRA, since I'm hoping the rest of my life will be spent self employed or working at a wonderful small company. No more big corporate jobs for me. It's for the birds. The old me would have taken that money and spent it on a new computer. Now I have to do the old fashioned thing and save up for one. That's going to take awhile on a very tight budget.

BIG SIGH. Yes, I've been known to be dramatic.

Well, I thought a lot about what I want. It's pretty simple, really. I want to love, travel and experience.

I want to be in a loving, supportive, trusting relationship. This means I have to get over myself. Really. I keep telling myself that I don't know how to date, nobody wants me anyway, the relationship thing doesn't work for me, I could go on and on. If that's what I keep saying, that's what I'll keep getting: Evidence for what I create for myself. But I really do hate dating. I hate putting on your best side for someone just so that they'll like you. I hate the awkward silences and feelings of rejection. I've usually dated guys that have been my friends and something more started to develop when we'd spend time together. But, right now, I don't feel like I have any options that I know of. So, it's back to square one. I don't plan on going on dating websites and crap like that, but I am opening up the possibility of meeting someone or "re-meeting" them if I already know them. If I'm really truly honest with myself, I do want a relationship, and I find myself really romantically lonely at times. There's still a part of me that feels like I'm unwanted. That's what needs to heal. It's so rare that I connect with someone romantically, and when I do, I have such a hard time letting go. I don't want to have to keep going through that over and over again.

I want to generate enough income so I can retire before 60. I also want to have a cabin up north that I can escape to and if/when I have a family, it can be a place for my children's family vacation memories. I want them to be able to know what life is like without a computer and cellphones and emails constantly nagging you. That there is pure joy and bliss in a cup of coffee and a good book. There's nothing more pleasing to me than spending time by water in the summer and watching the leaves change in the fall. I'd love to have a place for weekends of doing just that.

I want to have a successful business in bodywork. I want to specialize in myofascial release and trigger point therapy. To me, this makes the most difference emotionally and physically to the client...to free their bodies from the straight jacket it has imprisoned itself in. The continuing education classes are expensive, but I know I can save up for it and do it. Nothing brings me greater joy than helping someone with their pain. It's fun, it's like playing detective to see where it's stemming from and finding the source. Sometimes it takes a lot of tries. My work brings me joy, and that to me is more important than having a lot of money and doing the same mundane tasks over and over each day. Those jobs don't make a difference in our lives: they are just paycheck. I've lived that, and it's not enough for me. If I can go to bed at night, knowing I'm making a big difference and loving what I do, then it's a life well lived.

I want to travel. I recently had a conversation with my accountant. She is delightful and I always feel so inspired and powerful after talking with her. She travels a lot with her husband and they were getting ready to leave for a trip through Canada and Niagra Falls. I'd love to take vacations and see the world. I grew up very financially strapped and we never once took a vacation. It's hard to raise five kids on a teacher's salary and I don't blame my parents. I just want something different. I want to be able to do that for myself and my future family, if that is in the cards for me.

All this big "life thinking" has made me very anti-social and when I'm in social settings, I just don't feel relaxed or myself. Growing Pains? Or what is that? It's been making me feel strange. It's like I need this time all by myself, or maybe I'm afraid that people will laugh at my dreams. I don't really know what it's all about. I'm crying and laughing a lot, sometimes I feel bipolar. Seriously. I can't wait to be 30...isn't that when it gets easier?

These things are all great, but with goals, you have to have plans. That's where I seem to get stuck. I get really frustrated with myself because I'm not dating, I don't have a lot of money, and I feel like a lot of my life is on uncertain grounds. As I worry about this stuff, my skin and diet get worse. I hate it when my physical body is a product of my own produced stress. It is sometimes hard to breathe, which is probably why my stomach area is chock full of trigger points. Isn't that the solar plexus area? The energy there is the 3rd chakra, your sense of self. Maybe that's why I'm so into yellow lately. Makes sense. UGH!

Sometimes it's very hard to take it a day at a time and I know that's what I need to do. I have the tools I need to take care of this. I can't help but wonder if I'm so lit up lately because Intuitve Guidance 2 is coming up and it's getting ready to clear out. That'd be nice.

Life's Journey sure can be interesting. You never know what's going to happen to you. You can plan and plan, but you never really know. My life completely changed the day I met my Dragonfly. And, sometimes I wonder what it would be like if that had never happened. But you can't live off of what ifs. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I had married Dan. If I had never had an intervention that whispered subconsciously to me, "you're meant to do so much more." I do believe things happen for a reason. It's really hard sometimes though, because we hold on so tightly to what we think we want, rather than allowing space in our lives for what is to be for everyone's highest good.