Fireworks

July 4th has always been my favorite holiday. I love summer, I love sparkly things and I love friends. What better holiday than to have all three in one package?

I guess the past two years have just not been that exciting holidays for me. I think I might pick a new favorite holiday. It’s been a few difficult years of cleaning up my past, transitioning and resisting what’s best for me.

Tonight I watched the fireworks with some pretty random people at a house party. As I sat there are watched the show in the sky, I thought about all the previous July 4ths in my life. I can honestly pretty much remember who I was with, what was important to me and where we went to watch the fireworks every year. It saddened and inspired me to think about the years past.

I get attached to people too easily. I think it’s so rare in this day and age that we are blessed to have such inspiring, joyful connections that when they come around for me, I want them to hang around as long as possible…even when it’s time to move on. I’ve never been one for superficial relationships. It’s boring and pointless.

I recently became reacquainted with someone who was once so important to me. Well, he’s still very important to me, but we haven’t talked in six years. We just lost track of each other. That’s how it happens. You start hanging out less and less and finally you look back and realize it’s been years since you’ve been on someone’s radar. I believe that everyone has their own unique path in life and if you are present enough to recognize the blessings of people’s paths crossing your journey; it’s such a magical happening.

I credit this man for saving my life. I was in a point in my life where my self esteem was so low, I dated a suicidal, emotionally troubled man who was never there for me. He was completely selfish and I did all the work in our relationship. Unfortunately this way of being is still engrained in my system, but it is getting better. When you go through something like that, it’s hard to come out of it “normal.” I met this man and had an instant connection. Kindred Spirits for sure. I can count the number of people I’ve had this kind of connection with in life on one hand. It’s rare and it’s wonderful.

We had a wonderful friendship where all we did was LAUGH and were just so happy to see each other. We were both dating other people and that’s all it amounted too. One night, I just realized that I had a much more profound and amazing connection with this man than I did with my boyfriend. At that point, I knew that there was someone out there for me that would be better for me. I thank life for this friendship, because it saved me from myself. It saved me from a dead-end marriage. How could I let someone so important to me just slip away?

I think it’s just life. We get “busy.” We stop making time for people and our lives and interests change. Certain people just don’t fit anymore. We meet new friends and people are replaced. I never forgot him. His importance never changed. It’s just that “in time” we weren’t connected anymore.

I was so happy to hear from him. I’ve been on cloud nine all week. The connection is still there, and he’s all the way in Florida, happily married with a beautiful baby girl. I couldn’t be happier for him and I’m thankful for his re-appearance. I know he again has something wonderful to teach me, and his timing couldn’t be more accurate for re-surfacing. I’ve been feeling him around for about six months, and now, finally we found each other.

Sometimes I feel like the most profound relationships I’ve had are the ones that don’t stay. They just flicker into our lives for a few beautiful moments, teach us what we need to learn, and then they move on. Sometimes we are left dumbfounded and don’t understand-sometimes we are left touched, moved and inspired. We go on to our next chapters without them, but we still carry them with us.

If we are lucky, we get a second chance. We re-connect with this Kindred Spirit at just the right time. There is nothing in life better than that.

I’m optimistic in knowing, that many of the July 4ths in my future will be spent with my best friends that I haven’t even met yet. I’m optimistic in knowing that no matter how sticky or difficult a situation or relationship has become, there is always room to once again be reacquainted and begin again.

Did I Fail?

When I was a little girl, I never thought, "Oh I hope to be moving back home when I'm 29." When we are young, we have plenty of amazing dreams for ourselves. I always thought I'd be a famous singer, yet I can't even land a lead part in a small town community theater show. I thought I'd change the world by my writing, yet I lack the motivation to truly tell a wonderful story.

Have I failed? I ask myself this probably every day. My favorite motivational celebrity, Jillian Michaels, says there are no mistakes, only learning experiences. If we don't learn, we keep having to repeat the same pattern over and over again until we do. I try to concentrate on the positive experiences in my life, in hopes to create more and to learn from the negative. Sometimes this is difficult, especially when it involves other people's feelings. You have to do what is best for yourself, even when it means hurting another.

The truth is, we truly can't predict the future, because it's always changing basing itself on what we create today. There are many possibilities for what is ahead of us, and we have to just keep looking forward. I've decided to write about what I've learned from today, instead of focusing on the pain of failure. I haven't truly failed. I'm just hitting the "reset" button. That can be a really good thing.

I've learned that the more you pick at something, the more it falls apart. Sometimes the best thing to do is walk away, give it some space, and it all comes together in the end.

I've learned that things generally do not turn out exactly as we expect them to. The best thing is just to stay present in every moment, it makes everything more enjoyable.

I've learned that the people that hurt us most are the ones we learn the biggest lessons of self worth from. It generates a charge inside of us to never be treated like that again.

I've learned that what you think about is what you create in your reality. Focus on what you want and take any action towards it. Each moment will bring you closer to your desires.

I've learned that no matter how much you love someone, how much you miss them-if they don't make an effort to include you in their life anymore-it's best to let them go. They were probably taking up a lot more space in your life that you realized anyway. Use that space for people that do want you to be around. You will feel loved and supported rather than anxious and rejected.

I've learned that it's not really what happens to you, it's how you are able to react to it.

I think out of everything that I've learned, if you have one true friend, you're always going to be ok.

I'm blessed in so many ways in my life with so many that believe in me. I choose to concentrate on the wonderful ways I make a difference to others and the inspiration I receive from the world. I make the choice everyday how I want the day to go. I have a lot of pain, a lot of sorrow and a lot of set backs. But I choose to use what I have to create the best life I can. I don't always know how, but I usually find my way. I am grateful for the support that always shows up for me. I am thankful for those that choose to want me to be in their lives. The fun and laughter we have takes the edge off everything else.

Dead people like me

So. Ok.

I just did some inner listening, or "meditating" or whatever and I kept hearing the name, Matt Gordon. Ok fine. Seriously people...do they ever leave me alone? Not really...but this time...for a reason.

I googled the name and this is what I found. He had a chance with his one true love again...and then died from surgery. But he got to say what he needed to. And I know, what I crave more than anything in this life is real, true love. Not the stupid love that you do to pass your time, or the superficial love of most. Real love for myself, for others and in a relationship. I realized...in order to have that, I must be it. There's the breakthrough....and there's the challenge. Shit. This means being nice to old people too. I have to believe this is actually possible for me. I can do this.

Here's Matt's blog...I find it pretty interesting.

http://jinx12582.blogspot.com/

Drowsy/Dizzy/Discouraged

I think it was back in February when a friend of mine called last minute and his sister won tickets to see “The Drowsy Chaperone” at the Overture Center. I’ve been toying around with writing this blog since then. I guess it’s been building up in my head and frankly, a LOT more came up with these emotions than I was expecting. But ultimately, it’s leading me toward where I need to be going next.

The premise is simple, yet extremely complex if you let your mind go there. A young man has an old record player in his NYC apartment and loves to play an old musical soundtrack on it called, “The Drowsy Chaperone.” The man gets lost in the music and the story and narrates to the audience what pleasure he receives from escaping reality and diving into the world of musical theater as his reality. The characters become real to him and he ultimately becomes part of the show at the end. He concludes that musicals are wonderful because everything always works out in the end. There’s music and dancing and everything is joyous and grand. The script is hilarious and is often light hearted, but at the end of the show I was left a little torn up, and it wasn’t pretty.

I have lots of friends involved in theater, including myself. Some are very heavily involved; overlapping shows and well, I think that’s completely crazy. Some are lightly involved, like me; maybe doing one to two shows a year. Here’s the thing: If the brain truly doesn’t know the difference between something imagined and something tangible…where is the line drawn? Studies have shown the brain has the same chemical response when elite athletes “think” through a game or performance successfully as they would when actually playing the game. Do actors actually become their characters? Does your brain know the difference between that personality and yours? Do some people actually use acting as a way to express emotions they are unable to express in their “real” lives? You have to have something to draw upon when playing a character…so where does that actually come from? I’ve always known that most people that do a lot of theatre have many emotional issues, after being involved in it since high school, but this play really stirred something up deep for me. What was I missing?

I let these questions kind of (un)settle in my system and I just stepped back into observation mode in my life. I still went about my everyday life, but just had this in my awareness. I realized that I can get obsessed with TV shows. Like some of my friends get that way with theatre, I am with TV. It’s not that I believe it’s real, it’s just that sometimes it’s more fun to talk about what Jim and Pam are doing or imagining what it would actually be like to be Jillian Michaels than to be me. In the acting television world, everything always works out the way you want it to, what’s meant to be finds its way, and well, everyone is usually pretty attractive. I think certain stories find their way into our hearts because they remind us so much of ourselves. Sometimes it’s easier to pretend to be Barney Stinson for a day, or Lorelei Gilmore to get myself through the day. Nothing hurts these characters and their self confidence is sky high. If my brain doesn’t truly know the difference, it’s easy to put on an act. It’s something to hide behind. It’s something, anything, to not get myself to feel pain or to put off figuring out my life or cleaning my condo or whatever boring reality is occurring. It’s something to hide behind so I’m not honest with myself that my current job isn’t making ends meet, or I miss companionship in my life. It’s a distraction. And really…human beings are experts in creating distractions in their lives so they ignore what is truly important.

I think the reason I get obsessed with people like Jillian, is because she has (or seems to have) her shit together. She’s in awesome shape, she “gets it”, and she has an awesome job that inspires millions of people to get their own shit together. That is truly amazing. If you can love your life so much that you naturally inspire others, well that’s a true blessing.

I think about how humans create their own reality. It’s true. What you think about is what gets your attention. What gets your attention is where you take action or are afraid to take action and suffer. Our self esteem and confidence reflects in our outer life. Is your home always messy? Do you endure your job for a good paycheck? Are you dating someone that is kind of ok, but too scared to actually find someone that will commit to you and is actually real and inspires you everyday? Does your marriage suck? Are you afraid of the next step because it could mean failure? Do you constantly keep yourself so busy you have no time for yourself or friendships? Do you find yourself scrambling everyday because there isn’t “enough time?” Is your partner this way too? This is avoidance. And I am princess of that. At least I can admit it….there has to be a way out.

I look at people like my neighbor. He is going blind and deaf. He stays at home and he goes fishing. He goes for walks. He visits friends. He yells at my friends when they smoke on my balcony. This is his reality. This is what he has created. This is what shapes his personality. Now what if he decided he wanted to get a job or start gardening? That first would begin with a thought…and then depending on his fear and self esteem, he would either take a shot at it or not. He would change, or he would stay the same. It’s an easy example because he leads a relatively simple life. I am not simple. I am complex as hell. I can’t even figure myself out, let alone someone else. Maybe it’s time to start simplifying?

Life is actually simple if you take emotions out of it. Do you hate your job? Quit. Done. That’s it. Do you eat like shit and are you overweight? Eat healthy. Exercise. Done. So why is it so hard to make changes that stick? It’s because it’s extremely uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s way more comfortable to just stay the same…because it’s what we are used to. We get attached to our suffering and believe there is no way out. How could there possibly be? I can’t do this because there isn’t any time. Bullshit. Make it. If it’s important, you will figure it out. I don’t have any money. Make more. It’s the “how” that gets us so stuck. Trying to figure out “how” it will all come into play is what makes us nuts. We don’t know anyone else’s journey but our own. If we are blessed to walk with someone for awhile, embrace it, but when they let you go, let them go too. It’s all wasted energy that you could be focusing in on creating your life the way you envision and the way you want.

In the space between, which I feel I am now, it can be incredibly uncomfortable. I know I am meant for great things. The way my brain works, my creativity and my passion and compassion for humans is what leads to greatness. So much “junk” is in the way though. All thoughts I’ve created based on what others have thought, or my family has thought and I started to believe as true. My self esteem shattered a few years ago when I thought I had met the most incredible person ever, but he didn’t think I was so incredible. Rejection burns, but it makes us stronger. We have to see our own value even when others don’t, or are afraid of it. We have to believe we are good enough for what life drops in on us, because we tend to fuck it up pretty easily.

So how do you become who you know you were meant to be? Action. What does it take to take action? It takes courage. You have to actually do it. You can sit around your house and read and hibernate and try to figure it all out….but that does nothing. It gets you nowhere. You have to get off your ass and workout. Get off your ass and start dating. But then your mind chimes in. You have to change your thoughts. I know when I start to get sick, I’m so off track that even my body is pissed off. That’s a really good sign for me.

I’ve been on this journey of self discovery and spirituality for awhile now. It ebbs and flows. There are times when I’m on the money, and times when I’m so off. Most people never bother to venture on this road, because it is painful. It is joyous. It is out of balance. It is in balance. It’s just kind of all over the place…but I hope, eventually it will be somewhat sound. I think it is better than not knowing. I think it is better than where I was six years ago.

I am so blessed with so many talents. So what am I actually going to take action on and do? And why do I feel pressured to narrow it down to one or just a few? I want to do so much I get overwhelmed and do nothing.

I had lunch with a friend today. His coworker and acquaintance of mine wanted to come along too. My friend told him no, because he wanted me all to himself. We hadn’t seen each other in about a month, and just wanted Jess time. That made me feel really good. To know that despite everything that goes through my brain at a rapid pace every day, despite my fears and insecurities and despite the fact that I’m not always the best Jess I can be, he still loves me for me. And that’s just it. We’re all human. Nobody is perfect. I think the best thing to know, is that we are all in this together.

Something Amazing

Today, something really amazing happened. A patient told me that my voice makes a difference to him. I remember having to SING those words to a room full of my classmates before I could graduate from TIBIA and BELIEVE IT!! AHHH!!!! Talk about an emotional day. YUCK!!! The interesting thing I thought of today is the difference between believing something and being something. If you believe something to be true, it doesn't mean you are always BEING it. BEING is what creates a difference for others. Nine months after saying those words, they are finally repeated back to me. I have become my voice makes a difference. Little did I think that some 77 year old man in Sun Prairie would be the one to tell me that back when I first spoke those words. It's interesting to see that life takes us on amazing journeys, never knowing who we are going to touch. He told me that my voice makes him happy and it makes his day better. Who knows what that change of me finally being a difference will make on other people...even if it is little...it is a step in the direction of what I am creating in this lifetime.

On my hike today, I thought about all the guys I've dated. I thought about the lessons from each relationship and how none of them honored who I am. I realized that in the past I have truly rejected myself, so how in the world would I attract someone who would not reject me? I firmly believe you are your thoughts, that you create your own reality.

I sat down on a park bench and wrote. As I get more clear about who I am and what I want to be, I realize more and more what I would need in a romantic partner. They say you have to write it down to make it real. So here it is: I'm writing this all down to hold myself accountable to what is acceptable to me if I'm going to share my heart with someone. I'm not up to screwing around anymore...it leaves me empty and unsatisfied. I'm not looking for someone that wants that. Here is what I came up with. I know there is no such thing as the perfect person, but there is such a thing as loving yourself enough to know that these things are vital to have the kind of relationship that's worth having.

~Trust-safety to be myself and he himself with me.
~He has goals and a plan to achieve them
~Enjoys outdoor activities
~Gets me on a deep spiritual level of being
~makes me smile whenever he crosses my mind
~health conscious about his diet and exercise
~has time and energy to want to grow in our relationship together
~drop dead handsome
~ability to make me laugh and also he thinks my humor is funny
~speaks to others with an open heart and compassion
~loves experimenting in the kitchen and enjoys going to the farmer's market to shop locally
~dedicated to his profession
~has a belief in something greater than himself and a connection to all beings
~empathetic not apathetic
~musical talent or at least an appreciation of it
~always striving to grow and learn and make a difference
~loves to receive massage
~supportive of my dreams and motivates me to achieve my goals
~likes weekend get aways and traveling
~will love my sister and watch out for her as much as I do
~knows that sometimes you need a lazy Sunday to do nothing but stare
~has a life outside of me but will include me in it by having great communication skills
~has solid friendships
~will help me find a beer I actually like!
~Can help me with my technological challenges
~appreciates the humor of my clumsiness
~thinks I'm beautiful-my soul and my appearance
~loves spontaneous adventures and spontaneous sex
~appreciation for synchronicities and the journey of life
~will think that it's awesome and not crazy when I just 'get a feeling about something'
~likes surprises
~mutual respect
~goofy sense of humor
~his energy matches mine
~believes that tomorrow is always another opportunity to start over
~understands what I'm trying to create in this world and me understanding his creation
~grounded
~knows how and wants to work through his "stuff." Uses the tools he is taught in life.
~knows and respects that I require alone time
~likes doing home projects
~the love that we have for ourselves and each other inspires others to find true happiness and joy
~really awesome hot sex-and whenever I want it. yep!!
~taller than me and hair I can run my fingers through
~is actually ready to meet me
~passion for something, anything, to let me know he is present, alive and actually living
~wants to create the most gorgeous child that ever existed
~wit and sarcasm
~inspires me to be the best person I can be



That's what I want. That's what I deserve. Whoever you are inside is directly reflected in the life you live and the people you surround yourself with.

I can make an analogy out of anything...

I can make an analogy out of anything, which is why I’m probably missing my calling as an inspirational writer. Oh well. Here’s my latest:

This weekend I was home alone cleaning, waiting for my sister to get done with work so I could pick her up. I looked for the thousandth time at my bathroom sink. This sink has been clogged for years and I’ve never gotten it fixed. Why? I just live with it…something that bothers me everyday, but not enough to actually do something about it. I become busy with something else, ignoring the sink. But then again, every morning, it clogs and it frustrates me. It eventually clears, but it’s always dirty…I clean it and it gets clogged again…never truly going away. This night, I decided to try fixing it.

I googled “how to fix a clogged sink” and it was easy as pie. I filled the sink half way up with water and took a plunger to it and gave it hell. Well, it was a bit gross and clumps of hair came up, but what surprised me the most was what I saw next. There, in the water, was a blue marble. I used to have these floating candle columns when I first moved in here with blue marbles on the bottom. I laughed and laughed. This whole time, this whole situation was so easily fixable. I had poured drain-o down that sink a million times. I had tried baking soda and boiling water to no avail. But you see, none of that would have cleared it up. It made a difference in that it ran a bit better for awhile, but it always became clogged again. I needed to remove the marble. And here’s where my profound thought comes into play:

We all have marbles in our sink. Feelings, emotions, hurts, wants, needs, and love that get shoved down into the pits of unawareness. It is only by awareness that the marble clogs us up and we must clear it out. If we are so unaware and meekly just existing, marbles might be so obvious to other people in our lives, but not to us at all. We can meditate, exercise, think about other things, throw ourselves into activities and hobbies, but these are all ways to just pour drain-o into the sink. The only way to be clear is to decide for yourself that you WANT to do this, even though it may be so hard. But, then again, it might be easy as pie. The latter is what worked for me, and I’m so very glad.

I’ve had an interesting week. An awesome, amazing, inspirational week. I’ve found compassion in the strangest of places. I’ve learned lessons that I’ve been working on for years. Why? Because I decided the marble wasn’t tolerable anymore. I decided I want to live in Technicolor and not black and white. It’s so much better having my sink clear, literally and figuratively. It’s just so much better. But, I didn’t know it could be this good. Living with my sink clogged for so long, I thought that was the only way to be.

Open your heart up to yourself. You’ll be amazed at what you will discover. I’ve lived so inauthentically to myself for so long. I forgot everything I loved and what made me who I am. I was so distracted by caring what others thought of me, that I missed the big picture and the lessons they were trying to teach me in the first place.

I’ve discovered the joys of what I love. I love hiking and being in nature. I love being by the water. I love exercise. I love horses. I love feeling and expressing joy. I love taking pictures. I love singing (still working there). I love the feeling of getting up early and enjoying the day. I love reading about everything that interests me. I love having a spiritual practice I call my own. I love feeling connected to everything. I love feeling part of a bigger picture. I love tending to my houseplants. I love planting herbs and cooking with them. I love my flowers every summer. I love new adventures. I love inspiring others. I love being sarcastic and funny. I love to cry tears of joy. And I love to let go and be unattached. Most of all, I love you if you are in my life.

I’ve wasted too much time caring what others think or me and feeling not good enough. I’ve let that happen. That was really stupid looking back. It’s interesting how something that was once such a big deal really doesn’t matter anymore. Lessons learned. I wish I would have picked up on that about two years ago, but eh, we all have our own timelines.

I challenge you to purge your marbles. Stop pouring in drain-o. You’ll just have to deal with it again. It might have a different face to it, a different place to it or even a different theme, but it will still be there. So stop, chill, and get that marble outta there. You’ll be glad you did.

And don’t even think about making a joke about snaking my drain. I’ve already thought of them all, and they are hysterical…but I’m trying to be professional here.

This really sucks

I once read that when you feel like “everybody” hates you, or “everybody” will laugh at you, your “everybody” can really be summed up to just a few people. Think about it for a moment. When you say, “Well, everybody…” see who comes to mind. You’ll be surprised to find that you really don’t mean everybody, you just mean a few people whose opinions matter to you more than they should.


For the past couple of years, my everybody has consisted of a close knit group of kindred spirits that found me along life’s journey. I have cared so much about what these people think of me, trying to do anything I can to please them. The problem with this is that there are expectations to receive what you put out there. The problem with any kind of expectations is that it usually leads to disappointment and heartache.

While I have learned many things, and would not give up the experiences, I find myself alone tonight. It seems like in a short time period, my life has left me extraordinarily lonely. I know I have many friends in my life who love me unconditionally, and for that I am blessed, so why do I only seem to care about “everybody?”

Emotional insecurity blows. We all just want to be loved and accepted. We all want to feel connected to something greater than ourselves and to each other. We aren’t meant to spend every weekend alone. Why is it so hard to make new friends?

Perhaps this is happening so I learn to be a friend to myself. To learn to accept loneliness and serve my soul’s purpose. I do believe we all have a purpose in each lifetime, in each other’s lives and in our own lives. I don’t believe everything happens at random. If it did, the timing is pretty extraordinary.

I cherish each connection I’ve had in my life. I guess not every one is meant to last forever. I do feel much lighter and free since I’ve lost “everybody” but it doesn’t change the loneliness. I guess now there is plenty of space for whoever is going to drop into my life next.

I think of the line from “Defying Gravity” from Wicked. “If this is love, it comes at much too high of cost.” I agree with that 100%. Sometimes, life just hurts too much. Why would you come across friendships like these only to have the go away? I’m not trying to be all “poor me” here, but seriously, it rips my heart out. Nobody likes to admit they are weak, that they are anything less than superhuman, but sometimes you just need other people.

I miss having close friendships around this town. It seems like my good friends are scattered everywhere. I feel like the only thing I really have going for me is my job, which I love, but my social life is suffering. Maybe it was time for me to settle down a bit and get back to what I think and feel and not what “everybody” else does. I feel like a failure and loser.

I had a conversation with a friend a couple of months ago probably now. He and I had met a few years ago, had a too intense connection so dating failed between us. He asked me recently if I maybe made too much out of it and made it mean more than it did. I told him, yes, but as of recently I don’t think I did. I haven’t had a connection like that to another human being in so long now. It makes me feel like it will never happen again. Logically, I know this to be false, but emotionally it feels true. It doesn’t matter anyway anymore. I can’t remember the last time he called. It’s been over a year at least. It’s ok. I trust the Universe knows what it’s doing.

It’s my best friend’s birthday party tonight and here I sit at home, because I’m unable to express my anger and hurt, so everything sits, on pause. It’s up to me to hit play and I have no clue how to go about that. The world always goes on without you.

I guess I shouldn’t be too sad. I felt I lost had lost another friend of mine awhile back. But, we took about a year break from each other and now our friendship is better than ever. She’s very busy though, so it’s difficult to hang out a lot. Maybe that will be true of these other friendships too.

So, what does one do when she feels like there isn’t another soul in the world around besides her kid sister? Well, I guess what she does is re-group and re-focus. She reminds herself of what her strengths and great qualities are. She smiles through the pain and doesn’t let it show that her heart hurts all the time. When asked how she is doing, she always replies, “great” and one day she knows it will be true and she will believe it. She meditates and knows these wounds go back to characters not even thought about anymore. She thinks about the kind of people that support her and that she wants to be around and keeps that in mind when auditioning new friends. She focuses on staying in the present moment. She goes to the gym and exercises out the anger, upset and frustration from her body. She dreams and schemes. She reads and writes and sings. Sooner or later, there will be new friendships, new adventures and faith renewed. And she hopes she remembers for the future to never give so much of herself to anyone again. Until then:

Drinking wine and thinking bliss, is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head are skidding up and down again
Up and down and round again, down and up and down again.

Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all.
Just to end up right back here on the floor.
To end up right back here in on the floor.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm

The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgievness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace and
I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.

Oh I've felt that fire and I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned.

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell.
But I'm not scared at all...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm

Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me, what it's done to me.
What is done...done

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel.
Broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare,
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there.

But I'm not scared at all, hmm...I'm not scared at all.

Bout the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

11 months to 30...and lots of work to do....

The last couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking about where my life has taken me. And that’s exactly what has happened…my life has taken me places…I haven’t really sought out a lot of goals…they just sort of happen to me. It’s time to take action instead of always just letting things happen.

I’m blessed to work for two doctors who inspire me to be the best person I can be. They care about mine and Geri’s well being so much. Every Tuesday we have training and sometimes those trainings are something like, “Write down goals for yourself and don’t censor them.” Then we get worksheets that break it into achievable steps. Dr. Rob and Dr. Dawn are impressive people. They help, heal and don’t give up. We’ve created a super successful practice in just 7 months….doctors that have been in practice for many years have come to visit us just to see how we run things. The business savvy is incredible.

Seeing how they have plans, set goals and achieve them has been inspiring and also eye opening. When’s the last time you seriously sat down with yourself and were honest about what you want to accomplish in this lifetime? When’s the last time you actually were clear enough in yourself and who you are that you KNEW what you wanted to achieve?

Things happen to us that kill our dreams. If you think back to when you were a child, what was it that you wanted to do with your life? Now pause and think…who killed that dream for you? We are conditioned by our mother, father, teachers and preachers. Sometimes they can be the dream crushers…sometimes it is our friends or other role models. When we were younger, we don’t really know how to claim full responsibility for our lives. Now that we are adults, it’s time to take responsibility for your life. Nobody can make you feel less than or unworthy unless you let them. I think I’ve let about every guy I’ve dated make me feel that way. What a waste of time.

After high school, most of us go to college. For some, it can be a whirlwind of partying…I know it was for me. I was having a conversation with my brother the other night about how I feel I’m getting less intelligent by the minute. He felt the same. We discussed diet and exercise and how those things make such a difference. I made a commitment to myself to stop drinking soda and eating fast food. What a difference…I feel so much better physically and can sleep much better at night. You have to take care of yourself in order to make a difference in the world…for yourself, for others and for the planet.

When I was young, I thought by the time I was thirty, I would have achieved much more than I have thus far. I’m 29 years old. In ten years, I’ll be close to 40. That’s scary and also inspiration to act now. The years keep passing by and with time wasted goes life wasted.

We all crave the comfort of being a part of something greater than ourselves. If we are not, we live a selfish life infested with fear instead of love and compassion.

I’ve wanted to live on a horse ranch since I can remember. Goals are about taking small steps to achieve the bigger picture. I don’t know if I still want to own horses, but I’ve defineintely missed taking lessons and being around that life style for about…oh….23 years. What took me so long? I got busy with life. It’s no excuse. Do what makes you happy. I’m meeting the horse I will being riding lessons with on Friday. I haven’t been this excited about something in a long time. Fill your life with joy. It’s much too easy to get caught up in “I’ll do this later, or someday…..”

So what have I really done? Well, I’ve done a lot of stupid high school plays and musicals and community theater that nobody remembers....not even me really, I’ve worked a lot of desk jobs listening to people complain that I really don’t care about, I’ve sang the national anthem at about a thousand sporting events…pshaw, I’ve loved and then lost and spent wayyy too much time on the loss than the love….which prevents new love from coming into your life and enjoying what you have, and I’ve spent a lot of time laying on the couch and eating horrible foods….my body deteriorating rapidly from phenomenally strong to pretty weak and flabby. None of these things seem to matter much in life.

But, I’ve also saved a cat’s life. I’ve helped patients in chronic pain become pain free. I’ve massaged essential oils into my sister’s feet to calm her down after her first heartbreak. I’ve looked into another’s eyes and saw a reflection of who they truly are. I’ve witnessed miracles at Tibia, and I’ve massaged the heartache and body ache from people who have lost a loved one to AIDS. These things I remember. They seemed to matter.

Do the things that make a difference and bring joy to your life. We all suffer, it’s human nature. But really, what’s the point of being dark and twisty when you truly don’t have to be? The only reason to be dark is to live your life in constant fear….fear of how amazing you actually are…if you were to express what your soul truly desires.

I’m 29 and I’m freaking out, but inspired. I don’t want to tell my friends and family that I regret not doing something. I don’t want to live life like that. Unfortunately on earth, we live in time. Time runs out. And so do we. We all will die….so be the change you wish to see in the world, because if you aren’t, what will anyone have to look forward to?

Suit Up

You ever wonder why some people really seem to have their shit together...I mean, really together. They exercise, eat well, have a clean and organized home, have loving relationships and have a job that makes a difference in other people's lives and they enjoy working. They seem to have a glowing energy, one that encourages others, creates possibilities and inspires love and acceptance.


I think the answer is self love. To truly care for yourself so much that you don't accept anything but the best possible situation. Your friendships and people who surround you are a reflection of who you want to be. They support your true self and love and accept you as you are. It's a beautiful thing.

It's so hard to break our old patterns. We are so conditioned to respond in a certain way. It takes a conscious mind and a commitment to staying present to see how to change, and how to make a difference.

I'm no longer satisfied with half assed. I've been keeping a food journal as of late because Dr. Dawn is going to help me with my nutritional needs. I eat absolute garbage. But, until I wrote it all down, I really didn't have the awareness of it. I think it's a good idea to just stop and write it all down. We may not be where we want to be at all...all it takes is a little awareness. Now that I have awareness, I will make different choices....however....I have a bad day....here....Culver's will make it better....it's conditioned. It's in breaking THAT deeper pattern that true success will prevail.

Sometimes when we make choices to lead us in a certain direction, everything that isn't working can and will fall away...either by your choice or by the Universe's choice. It's a time to re-group and re-focus on who you are and who you want to be. It's a time to set goals and create new possibilites for yourself. But, mostly, it's a time for action and non-action. What does that mean? Well, if you get it, you're already ahead of the game.

So, what in your life isn't working for you? Is it your home? Do you have a safe, clean and organized environment that makes your soul sing? Is it your relationships? Do you have a friend who drains you? Are you dating someone you're really "just not that into? Do you feel supported and free to express your true voice? Is it your body? Do you exercise? Eat foods that your body needs to function properly? Get enough consistent good sleep? These things are so VITAL, but we often don't give it much thought because we don't care about ourselves enough. If we don't care about our own well being, neither will anyone else.

Take a look at the people who surround you...they are a direct reflection of you. Suit up. It's your life.

Protection

Some times it feels as if the only way to actually survive in this world is to truly protect ourselves. Guard our hearts, our mouths and our minds against what has the potential to possibly destroy us emotionally. If you let your guard down, there will be people who take advantage of you, but also those who will genuinely care. If you open your heart to love, there will be those who reject you, but also those who are able to open their hearts to love too.

Choose wisely. It's not always the best idea to open up too fast and too soon. It's not always good to reflect and look backwards. It's just too painful. You just look straight ahead, don't say "no" to any plans, and one morning you wake up and it's all insignificant. Like waking up from a dream that never happened.

The day everything changed

When new patients come into the chiropractor's office where I work, they are required to fill out a health history intake form. Mostly, the questions have to do with pain. What kind of pain, where the pain is located, what happened to cause the pain..... I think about it like that and try to answer, how can I compartmentalize my pain in a bunch of small boxes to check today?

Today, the pain was sudden. It was intense. It was a burning, stabbing pain in my solar plexus. It was a headache pain...the pain you get when you do everything you can to keep your tears from flowing down your face. The kind of pain where you are planning on saying goodbye to someone, and then, the pain comes out of nowhere. It's an unexpected pain. A pain I didn't even know was truly there until it was palpated.

Previous is was a dull aching pain right in my heart. A pain that I knew I couldn't let go, and yet I couldn't move on with my life either. It's sadness. It's the worst kind of sadness and loneliness you can experience. Being a stranger to yourself in a life that has been so familiar for the past two years.

1998-Moving away from home to attend UWGB, truly ending the cycle of BLBJ...yes, the fab four actually had a acronym we were so tight.
2000-The first break-up with Dan. I should have kept it that way, but I needed to learn. I needed to grow.
2002-Meeting Kevin, prompting saying goodbye to the type of man I previously settled for.
2004-Chad and Dennis. The absolute loves of my life at the time. But, you choose what you choose.
2006-Derek-I was good enough to keep around for fun, but he was dating someone else...and didn't tell me.
2009 (ok, so a few more months to the two year time period)-the transition to a new way of friendship with two people, the dragon and the mermaid...

The sadness sometimes is almost unbearable...knowing that these fantastic people come into my life, and then, like everything, it has it's own cycle. It has it's own time-line that I can't control....and it's ok. Sometimes people fit, sometimes they don't, sometimes it changes. The thing that gives me comfort is that nothing is ever destroyed, it just changes form.

I feel like I broke up with someone today, which is kind of ridiculous because A. We're both straight, and B. We were never dating....but it feels the same emotionally nonetheless. It's just that, I feel, we get it. We understand. And it will be ok. It will take some adjustment not seeing her blond hair everywhere anymore and the fear that the connection we had will never be the same. The truth is, we all met when we needed each other. So badly. The mermaid, the dragon, and I.
I feel like I said goodbye to both on the same day, exiting as quickly as they entered. Like a Divine Intervention of sorts. But maybe it wasn't. I think I wanted it to be special. But the truth is, it really was extraordinary. It ripped open the next layer or my journey, and I wouldn't be the same without them. It's true. I'm so blessed for the experience.

I hope that it doesn't end, but I know that it won't be the same. I thought I was really over it, but judging by the instantaneous tears that formed while eating lunch, it was clear to me I wasn't. What's interesting is that I realize why I reacted to all the things we've been through the way I have. I feel complete with that part of it. So, why the tears? I think it was the knowing, the general sense of what the dragon and mermaid meant to me was changing, and may just disappear. Life is full or surprises, of beginnings and endings. It's a constant cycle and change, sometimes you fit, sometimes you don't. I had felt that feeling before with Jessie. We needed our year apart to grow together again. It's a sad, sad feeling. But it's a feeling that in hindsight, you know this is the best day ever.

It's true that time heals everything, however you can't speed it up. You just have to be with it, make it your friend. Sometimes I feel like I feel emotions so much stronger than the average person, that I love too hard and I put myself out there way too much. I just hope I made a difference.

I think back to the moment I saw that black and white picture. And I knew, I had to know him. I'm sad I didn't get to know him and find all the secrets behind his eyes, and enjoy all the things that make him uniquely him. I wish I'd be given the chance...but it wasn't mine to have then. I met him at a time I needed him and I loved him before I even met him. And it's a love that stands out of time. It just is. It's a love that transcends romance and friendship, it's just what it is. And I'm happy for him that he's able to open up to someone. His happiness is important to me....I just don't need to be the reason for it. A part of me wonders if I wouldn't have told him to audition for Madison theater, if he ever would have...if he would be doing what he's doing now. But it is neither here, nor there. It just is. I understand this. I realize his role on this stage. I just hope I made a difference.

I think back to moment he brought her to the red party. Banged up and defeated, she needed me, and I her. What resulted was one of the best friendships I have known. Someone who seemed to really understand. We all needed each other so much. To live, to learn, to grow. And I know she's able to swim away strong, passionate and whole. And I love her. It's a love that stands out of time, and we both get that. I told her we didn't need to go over what the past two years meant, because we don't. We both just know. It goes without saying. It's so hard when your life kicks you out....but it's just because you're forced to move on to what's next. Even when you don't want to...even when you know it's the best thing. Even when you feel like it's all just a strange dream.

I'll always look back at this time as the years of healing. How I transformed into a dragonfly...and how I'm finally comfortable with saying that. Because she and I are one in the same...we were never meant to belong or stay anywhere...we just glide and flutter and find people when they need us. That's just how it works. I can tell myself that nothing changed to day, but the truth is, everything has.

In the story that I will tell my children of how I found their father, I will talk about this day. And hopefully "Aunt Sarah" and "Uncle Jordan" will be around to hear it.

I hope these amazing people stay in my life, but today everything changed...and it's probably for the better. I love them both. They are people I will always do anything for, answer any 3 am call from and probably give a kidney for. However, I will not eat coconut for them. I draw the line there. This is the day that the next chapter starts...and it's ok. I am strong. I remember "this" night two years ago. The next day, my dragonfly showed up right on my porch screen.

The two things that stand out so much right now are the night by the lake, hearing his life story and the night we tried to watch Batman, but instead had to watch Dragonfly...where I heard hers. I hope, someday, when I am wherever I am, and they tell their life story to someone else, that I at least get an honorable mention.

I don't know what's next. But my life here doesn't fit anymore. I feel this constant and incessant tug at my heart strings to spread my wings and fly. Africa? Dubai? California? I don't know...but what I do know is I was born in this world to make a difference....and that's what I'll spend the rest of my life doing. I'm sure there will be many more 2 year cycles, or perhaps one day, it will break. People will show up and inspire you, love you, break you, and teach you. People will come and go, people will change. But love remains the same.