Last Night, I Had A Dream

I found my place in a desert called cyberland. It was hot. My canteen...ok wrong show.

Last night I had a bizarre dream. I was getting married. To the wrong guy.

It was a BEAUTIFUL day. It was by the ocean and I had this gorgeous dress and veil. I just kept thinking that something was wrong. But what?

I started getting ready. It was odd because my bridesmaids weren't the ones that I would pick for my wedding now. They were childhood friends. I was out on the beach in my dress talking to one of the bridesmaids and a tiger swallowtail butterfly landed on her camera. I felt like I was forgetting something. Just this odd feeling. Who was I marrying?

I went back inside. Everyone was getting everything ready. Then I saw him. And he wasn't dressed to be the groom. It felt like that was really wrong. It felt like I was just being set up with some random guy to marry and I didn't know who it was.

I started to panic and cornered this guy who I thought I should be marrying. I said, "What is going on here?" I don't remember what he said, just that suddenly for a few minutes we were back at my childhood home. So many of my dreams take place there, so it's becoming very familiar. He said he had to make a phone call. He went into the garage and didn't come out. I found myself back on this beach, the wedding coordinator saying it had to start.

I didn't know what to do. All my friends and family were there, looking at me, ready to walk down the aisle. I was looking everywhere for this guy I was going to marry. I heard a name being shouted...not sure if it was mine or his or whatever. Then I woke up.

What the hell?

What kills us inside

I just got out of an awesome bath at my parents house. They have this HUGE bathtub and it's such a treat.

I put my legs up on the wall and relaxed. I looked at my legs. They looked like a super model's legs in all that froth and water. Super smooth skin, long and muscular. A thought came into my head. "I wonder what my legs would look like if I actually took good care of myself?" Well, they'd be way more muscular, better skin texture, probably a lot stronger...and the list goes on.

My point is this: What keeps us from taking really good care of ourselves? Getting enough sleep, exercising, eating well, mental health, emotional and physical needs? Why do we not love ourselves enough to do this?

It's sad. I witness so much potential in so many people. I don't notice it always in myself. I know if I ate better and exercised, my skin wouldn't be an issue. I wouldn't constantly be annoyed by my expanding love handles. But why? What's the issue here really? Where's the drive and motivation?

I find the crappier I take care of myself, the more depressed and anti social I get. I am so anti social right now. I hate it. I love my new job, so I really like going into work. It's so great to be around two really inspiring people. I love it. It makes me want to take better care of myself and be a better person. But the days I spend laying around the house, not doing much of anything, I feel like crap.

I need some motivation! I'd love for my legs to look like what they could look like if I actually took care of myself. But more so, I'd love to figure out what prevents me from doing this in the first place. How can I possibly expect to find a healthy relationship with somebody that I want to love me, if I don't even love me enough?

When you don't fit in

I didn't fit in last night. My cousin is getting married and I went to his fiance's bachlorette party. She's 20 and so are her friends. I've never been around more dramatic people. It was annoying and I tried to fit in, but I just didn't.

Like people find like people. I mean, usually the people you are closest to are a lot like you. You have similar interests or similar personalities and things you admire about one another. It's interesting, you can tell a lot about someone when you meet their friends.

When you change, usually your friendships do too. Even if you don't know you're changing. It's hard sometimes. Things just don't fit like they used to and you can feel yourself distancing.

I feel myself distancing from some of my "friends" right now. It just seems too dramatic and chaotic and awkward to keep being close friends. It just doesn't fit anymore. What scares me, is that it did fit. So well. And I have to then ask myself and be honest with myself...what did I find in all the drama that I wanted to keep having it in my life?

I find life very interesting. I'm always being introspective and learning from relationships. I'll probably always be that way. But, what that does mean is a lot of change. A lot of finding what does and does not work for you, and sometimes you find out the hard way.

Sometimes, I just don't fit, and that's ok. When my friend gave us a ride back to my car, that was the most fun I had all night. Laughing and joking around. I fit. That felt good.

I thought of something to say

I'm really hungry. I've been eating non-stop today, it's absurd. I'd really like some deli-style pasta salad right now with lots of disgusting mayo type sauce. It's always all about the sauce. I realize this type of behavior is not getting me anywhere closer to being incredibly sexy and sassy.

I'm looking forward to September, lots of fun things going on. Like what you might ask? Well like this stuff:

Dragonfly Wellness opens

I start my new job full time

Jordan's musical that he will probably make me cry at

Lauren's birthday party

Intuitive Guidance 2

Pro Health Chiro's open house

Dennis' Birthday

All these good things and more, coming up in September. 

??????

What should I write about today? I don't really have a topic in mind, but I feel like writing nonetheless. 

Hmmmm....

Dear Diary,

Today I met a boy. He was really cute. That's actually not true. I just don't know what to write about.

Let's see:

I went on a walk today. It was really nice to enjoy the late summer air and get out of the condo for awhile. I've been increasingly aware of how important it is to take little breaks like that for yourself. I've been doing so much for Dragonfly and I started training at my new job this week, so the little breaks are important. I'm absolutely loving this weather. Except for the ragweed or whatever it is that cause my eyes to feel like they are glowing like the Terminator's.

I'm finding myself becoming alarmingly anti-social. This isn't like me. Perhap's I'm channeling the ghost of Christmas Past. That didn't make any sense. I swear, I haven't been drinking. It's just that I'm sick of people. I mean, not everyone, but most people. I'm liking spending time alone more and more. Does this mean I'm just getting boring, or more comfortable in my skin? I dunno. 

I've got the back to school fever. That's rush of anticipation for something new. I feel it. It's palpable. I like it. 

And so it begins, another cycle. I hope this coming winter is much better than the last. 

A question of wonder

It's Friday night and I just got done meditating. I'd normally surrender to the norm of friends and booze, but the budget does not allow at this moment. So, I'm forced to spend time with myself, and that can get interesting.

I started with smoking a bit of fun and proceeded to get jacked up on orange crush and chips ahoy cookies while watching the video of Matt and Stacy's wedding. Really? Yes really. I watched mine and Nate's toast and remembered the good times. I saw myself five years ago, a totally different person, but yet the same. I just hadn't really done any self examination and was pretty naive to the world. I was much prettier back then. 

I danced for a bit around the condo...clearly a byproduct of too much sugar and reduced inhibitions. I thought a lot about friendships. I thought a lot about the current ones in my life and which ones are reciprocal and which ones are not. I thought a lot about how I care for others who don't really care all that much about me...or at least don't or can't show it. I couldn't help but wonder...is it time to just get over myself? Who really matters and who doesn't?

During meditation, I kept having the reoccuring thought of  "Should I just laugh off everything, or should I feel things too?" I think the answer for me is balance. I can laugh off a lot. I can also feel a lot. But is the answer always to get over yourself? How do you communicate to others your feelings? Do you just keep these thoughts to yourself and not share them? What if people are sick of listening to you? I guess that's what I create for myself in my head. Nobody will really care or want to listen, and if I try to share, can I truly explain myself? My tongue always gets so tied when it comes to something real. 

I get tired of people having the same issues over and over. It's like get over yourself...but I can see that irritation I have with others is what is mirroring in me. Will I always want what I can't have? Will I always feel like I need to tell someone how I feel? Why can't it be enough for me to just have these thoughts and feelings to myself? Does anyone really give a shit anyway? 

I find myself caring less and less about people's issues and dramas and lives. Is this just my way of avoiding it in my own life? Probably. But I guess not dealing with anyone makes for quite a lonely life...or a lot of very superficial friendships.  Hmmmm. I feel like some of my friendships are fading fast and I can't save them. I feel like I'm the only one who actually cares about them or wants to do something about it. Maybe it's just a lot of wasted energy. Maybe I need to focus more on myself.

I know this feeling. This feeling of wiping the board clean and starting fresh.A sense of peace and balance and anticipation. I was in this mind frame almost a two years ago now when I first met Jordan. A perfect space that I was in, happy, fresh and full of anticipation... but that wasn't to last long. It lead me on this fascinating journey of true self discovery. It's coming around again....this feeling. This feeling of just being clear and ready for what's next. This feeling of drifting apart from others. I wonder who's going to be around the corner this time. 

Life's going to be changing dramatically for me in the next few weeks. Going from not working at all to having two jobs. Things are going to get interesting. I wonder if my life is being purged of certain people because they either don't fit anymore, or they just truly don't care about me. Connections come and go. I just hate it when they go. But I see the beauty in it, even if it hurts like hell. 

Sometimes when I'm just sitting here by myself, I wonder a lot about what it'd be like if certain things didn't happen. But they did. The thing is, I wonder if anybody else thinks about these things too? It's the little things that eat away at us inside. But I seriously still believe in True Love. I believe that nothing is totally impossible. How delusional am I? 

Prettty Damn Inspiring

Micah Alberti...small town kid from Oregon, WI. He's one of my brother's friends, two years younger. He left Oregon to pursue acting. He's been on All My Children and the show "Wildfire." I'm sure among other things.

He's dating Bruce Willis' daughter now. I think the pics say it all. It's pretty damn inspiring what can happen if you go for your dreams. I think he's in good company now.

Technology is killing our relationships

Don't get me wrong. The Internet is a GREAT invention. You can find recipes, keep track of money markets, email friends and even send pictures to people you rarely get to see. It's a great way to keep in touch, however it seems to be increasingly common that it's the only way we keep in touch and I believe it's causing a huge shift in relationships.

When I was in high school, you had to CALL someone to hang out or ask them a question. Email was just starting to become popular, and for me, it was a great way to keep in touch with my friend Bekah, who was in school in Idaho. Now, I don't have to do that, because I can just check her facebook. Sad, but true. 

My sister's boyfriend recently broke up with her and she was more upset about what she saw on facebook then what actually happened. It was like her life was playing out online. I too, have fallen prey to that. "Oh, this is going on and his facebook says..." It's ridiculous. Instead of actually calling or talking to someone in person, just check their facebook status or their blog or whatever it is. You can always send a quick text instead of communicating with your voice. Hmmm.

The Internet is kind of like alcohol when it comes to relationships: You can hide behind your computer, it gives you a false sense of security and releases  more inhibitions. You can also get totally delusional about what people put on their personal websites.  I see it more so in the younger generation, because they have grown up with the Internet being more prominent in their lives.

It's easier to spend a Friday night surfing YouTube or Blogging than it is to actually live a real life. It's so easy to isolate yourself from your friendships because you have your computer friend. 15 years ago, this wasn't the case. I think the Internet is causing a shift in human relationships. It's sad. 

Why call someone to see how they are doing? You can check their blog, their facebook, their myspace, email them, or IM them. Screw the personal interaction...the world nowadays makes it too easy to not have to keep in touch. A hand written note is a rarity. It's dis-heartening.

I've thought about deleting all my Internet stuff, but then, who would keep in touch with me? I guess it'd be a good experiment. 

If we didn't have the Internet to entertain us, what would we do? I guess I would actually work out, spend time preparing nice meals, read more, call my friends, try out a new hobby like knitting or scrapbooking, take more pictures, have better conversations and less misunderstandings with people, and have a really clean condo. Those are just a few things off the top of my head. Imagine that. My life would be so much better and active...like I always claim I want it to be. But what's holding me back: Oh, I have to blog and sit on my ass for the next 45 minutes. It's too addicting. Sad, but true.

The Internet is like alcohol: Slowly killing our soul and body, but not really realizing it until it's too late. 

The Irony of Relationships

This weekend is my ten year high school reunion. Via the amazing internet, a lot of us have become reacquainted again on facebook. It's ironic that some of the people that caused me the most pain are now my friends. It's ironic that you just never know what will happen in life.

I'll NEVER forget the 8th grade dance. I was dating this guy Shaun all year, and to this day, he's my favorite boyfriend that I've ever had. It was so sweet and innocent and he cared about me so much. There were no games, no drama, no crappy sex. It just was what it was. Two people being honest and present with each other and loving every minute of it.  My grandma took me out to buy a special dress for the formal dance at the end of the year. Then, out of the blue, he broke up with me a week before the dance. I was devastated.

I found out a few days later that he was taking another girl. Jamie Martig. I hated them both. How could they do this to me? They were just going "as friends," but something told me that wasn't true.

The night of the dance they started "going out." To me, it was the end of the world. My poor little 14 year old heart was broken. I will never ever forget the pain of that. It hurt so badly and I cried all night. It was my first experience with that sort of pain and it was difficult. At that moment, I thought everything was over in my life. Of course, you grow up, you move on, you meet other people and you just kind of forget...or do you?

It's funny because Shaun and I went out on a date when he was home from his last leave from Iraq last winter. He's almost done with his time in the army and is moving back to Wisconsin. Jamie is now married and has adorable children and we are friends. Isn't that ironic? I don't know if anything will happen with Shaun and I. I just think it's ironic that the situation now is so much further from what I thought it would be in my 14 year old head. In my 14 year old head, they were married and were planning baby names.  You just never know what can happen...and who will be in your future.

I've gotten reacquainted with many friends that I was very close to in my younger years, but just lost touch. I see these girls becoming a part of my adult life and I'm very excited about it. It was like we each needed to explore and live for the past ten years, and it's ready to come back together, better than ever. Sometimes people just need space and need to grow apart. If they are meant to be in your life, it'll happen...even if it's ten years later.

I was the girl who was friends with everyone, but I did get my fair share of teasing and torture, just like everyone else. It's part of growing up. I remember when the new girl Emily moved here in 8th grade. She slapped this really "popular" guy because he was being a dick. I can't believe she did that, and I thought, "who is this girl who is standing up for herself like that?" We're still friends to this day...ironic and she still inspires me to stand up for myself.

Relationships are so interesting. We form these relationships because we NEED people. You can say that's not true over and over, but it simply is true. We need each other. Sometimes that changes forms or people...but we do need others. We can isolate ourselves, but that only lasts for so long. Human beings are meant to be social, thriving and happy creatures. 

Relationships can change. It can go from friendship to dating to nothing to really close friends to seeing each other a few times a year. Relationships are always changing. I just think it's so ironic that something that could make me so upset so many years ago is getting another chance for healing, and not only that, an opportunity for a new friendship with somebody I already know I love. 

Knock Knock...It's Your Future

I can almost hear my 14-year old self explaining to my aunt that I had it "all figured out" for my life and there was no need to worry.

First, I'd get married right after college. I'd major in biology and work with marine life and do independent ocean research. I'd have two kids and my husband would make decent money as well. We'd live in Florida so I could be close to the ocean for my career. Well...that future didn't work. I didn't need to worry about finding a husband, because my parents told me I was pretty, and that's really all I needed. Well, here I am 28, still pretty, and still no husband. I'm pretty sure it has a lot more to do with it than  that. What you'll believe when you are 14.....

In early college years, I was pretty sure I'd marry Dan and we'd move up to northern Wisconsin so I could start my career in television news, earning an awesome $15,000 a year in Rhinelander, WI. We'd talked about getting married the summer after graduation. In that moment in my life, that's all I wanted...to get married, have a few kids, and call it a day. WTF was I thinking? I guess that's what binge drinking will do to you.

Here I am, 28 years old and planning my own future. I've found what I LOVE to do and I also know a lot of my income is dependent on how well I do for myself. I need to plan well and live well. I want to retire by the time I'm 55. There's a lot I want to do in this lifetime...mostly traveling the world and making a difference, but that requires a lot of money. I've been researching and reading a lot about investing and retirement planning and my budget needs a makeover. So this month, my whole way of financial thinking is getting a huge make over for the better. I'm meeting with a financial planner and getting it all together. Grandpa Russ would be so proud.

The thing is, I don't want to end up like my parents. They just simply weren't educated when it comes to money and budgeting and investing. They are now getting it and getting more prepared, but I want to get this stuff taken care of and in good hands now. I really should have done that when I started my first job, but I didn't think that "stuff" was important. It is.

I'm a lot further ahead than most people my age because I own my own home and now I'm going to hang on to that property as long as possible, even seeing if I can get it paid off in 15 years instead of 30. 

You can't really plan for your future as far as what is going to happen, because you just don't know. But I want to be safe and secure, and this means planning for my own future and not always listening to what everyone else is doing or thinks I should be doing. Remember being pretty is all you need to find a rich husband. GAG!!!

I look back at the younger versions of myself and laugh a bit. I'm sure I'll look back at me in ten years from now and laugh a bit too.

My ten year high school reunion is this weekend, and I couldn't be happier to attend. I can't wait to see what these last ten years has brought to my classmate's lives and for them to see me too. A lot happens in ten years. A lot happens in one year. 

I can't keep putting off so many things. The future is now. Now is the time to start up Dragonfly, to open the Roth IRA and to make bigger mortgage payments. Now is the time to say yes to dating if someone manages to spark my interest. Now is the time to start budgeting and planning for mine and Britter's Europe trip in two years. I've never really been a planner, but I'm learning one step at a time.

Yeah, I called that

The HPV vaccine...with it's clever marketing campaign targeting pre-teen and teenage girls combined with money hungry pharmaceutical companies and you have the recipe for millions of girls getting something they just don't need.

Finally, somebody decided to actually check out it's validity. The truth is, there is no evidence for any long term affect on cervical cancer. People that are putting this drug into their bodies are believing they will never get cervical cancer, when that is simply just not true. 

The medical journal study that finally raised the questions that should have been raised when this was starting to be administered to the public. 

http://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/full/359/8/861

Looking Back

Last summer I attended Middleton Player's performance of Caberet and was blown away by a performance by Ken Urso. I had never seen anything like it in community theater. As I stared at this man, I thought to myself, "Who IS this man, and why is he going to be so important to me?" I told my friend that I was with about it, and excitedly called him, when a few days later I found out I'd be attending massage school with Ken. Ken is now one of my dearest friends and we went through something incredible together at Tibia. I recently saw his performance again, this summer in Rocky Horror Picture Show, with Middleton Players. It was a "full circle" kind of moment for me. Again, blown away by his performace, but instead KNOWING why he was so important to me and enjoying his success and being so happy for him up there on stage. 

It's pretty much been that way with me for a long while. I can remember seeing a dragonfly pin on my grandmother at Christmas when I was 12, and thinking...what's it about dragonflies? Did I forget something. I remember hearing the song "Over the Moon" from RENT when I was in Winter Colorguard in college. It stuck in my head, again...the same feeling of...what IS that? It's interesting, but I vividly remember being exposed to something that's going to have meaning in my life. I usually know in the first few minutes of being around someone if they are someone I am to pursue a relationship of any kind with. I don't know how to explain that. It's just what is.

I wonder sometimes if we have this vague "blueprint" of what we are to do and enjoy in life and then we can fill in the blanks. I've been thinking about the creator of RENT today, Jonathan Larson. That show is incredible and he died opening night when it began to be successful. It was a freak heart condition. And, I can't help but wonder sometimes, did he just come here to put that out there, and then was able to just bail out, knowing his life's purpose was complete for this time around? The timing is too freaky. He created a cultural phenomena in musical theater, he created a show that has forever touched me. He created rich and intriguing characters that most of us can relate to people in our lives. He created a way to put his emotions into something somewhat tangible for the world to experience their own emotions with as well. It's amazing.

I wonder if we all have a life's purpose. I feel very on track with what I feel is mine: Creating a difference through energetic and bodywork. I feel very peaceful with that aspect of my life. It's the rest of the stuff that can get somewhat messy.

Looking back on this year, it's amazing all the changes that have occured. I experienced a huge transformation personally and witnessed it in 7 others as well. My classmates are incredible, and it will be so great to see what they do with their lives now that we are all out of school. 

I've realized I live a life of experience. I like to try new things and see what fits and what doesn't. If something doesn't fit for long term, it eventually falls away. I find this happening in my life with all the "New Age" stuff I was so into starting a few years ago. It's being replaced with my own intuition from myself and within, my experiences, my passions and my belief that God is everywhere. It's in you, in me, in the tree and the mountain. If the Universe was made by a few molecules colliding, then wouldn't it make sense that everything is connected not only scientifically but energetically? Nobody knows, but it's becoming less and less important.

I think the best "religion" that I can create for myself is being present. That's what fits right now. Whether listening to someone or writing or whatever I'm doing, if I'm fully present, it's pretty amazing to experience. I get up usually looking forward to the day and what is in store. When something is authentic, it creates a lot of space for wonderful possibilites. 

I'm always learning and experiencing: finding what works and what doesn't. And what works today may not always work tomorrow. What I do know is that when I meet eyes with someone and I get this interesting feeling of, "Who is this person?" I pay attention. Ken doesn't believe in God. I believe everything is God. It doesn't matter. We have this connection and we are important to each other. I so get the beauty in learning from each other. I can see that dynamic in so many of my relationships. 525,600 minutes. How did you measure your year?

Super Whiny Face Today

I think I've come to a point of integration. Maybe integration isn't the right word. Maybe I'll come across the right word sooner or later.

When do you draw the line of laughing it all off or taking something seriously? If you are upset, and you hurt, should you just laugh about it? But when you can look at it later and it's funny, then why were you so serious in the first place?

Humans are weird. We all are just weird and have our quirks and our learned behaviors and we are always changing and fitting in and then not fitting in and everything is in this big continuous flow.  What's interesting is to recognize our patterns; rather our ways of being that once served us in some way, but are now hazardous to our future and our present.

The easiest example is love. Everyone has been hurt in love. It's just a rite of passage. Some have been hurt more than others. When your sister takes off with your husband, that's going to sting a little more than your high school sweetheart leaving for college. My point is, we learn a behavior that we associate with love, because of the strong emotions attached, even if we don't realize consciously we are doing it. 

So, the learned behavior is "Love hurts me." We protect ourselves. When someone new comes along and we think we are healed and can begin again, we run away. Or can't open up. Because love hurts. But we are basing our present on our past. And there is nothing you can do to change that except to heal it for yourself. It doesn't matter if you date one or one hundred people, if that is still there that "love hurts" it's going to keep hurting you, and you will keep attracting that idea in. 

If you start to heal these things and behaviors, you start to transform. You will attract new people into your life, and guess what? Love can be amazing. But it won't be amazing until you feel for yourself that you are amazing. Easy example right?

Complications. Patterns can be learned very early on. I have an issue with not being able to say how I feel. It doesn't necessarily matter how or when it started...because blame doesn't do anything. I've done a lot of healing around that issue, and my relationship with my mother, but I've still got this hurt and scared part of me that gets so upset and defensive when I'm teased or challenged in a way that I don't know how to respond to. Most of the time, it's fine....I have a great sense of humor and can give it right back. But when you really care about someone and what they think, it can hurt. But it really  has nothing to do with this person now, it's from the past. Because I've learned that "Every time you speak what you feel, you're going to get hurt" I get frustrated and upset when I'm trying to express something and it comes out all wrong. 

I know where it stems from and it's very deep and from very early in life. In fact, I can almost pinpoint the exact year it started happening. So my question is this...does it really matter? Should I just give it up and laugh about it? I've been working so much on it, but the feelings are there and they are real. So how can you back up from it and still stay present? It's just like the love example...Love Hurts....so I'm backing out of it. 

It's interesting. Humans. We say so much that we want connection with others, but we do so much to isolate ourselves. I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who moved out east. She started dating a guy there and found the relationship to be emotionally lacking. He says that "Out there, we don't talk about anything real." Maybe I'm unique and she's unique, but I doubt that when it comes to talking about something of substance. This kind of stuff makes people suffer. It's what keeps us from accomplishing our goals and dreams or even from setting them in the first place. All because from something in your past that has nothing to do with the present moment. Some would call it insanity, but in fact, it's part of everyone's life.

It takes a lot to admit that I have issues with speaking and anger. I guess I'm glad that I have people I can express these things to and most often, not be judged. I've come a long way. I feel like I'm very close to getting under the last layer of this. One thing I know for a fact: I'm never going to scream at my children to shut up, hit them, or threaten them. I know I will never scare them into doing things so everything is based on fear, nor will I be so financially out of control that my children don't get to participate in a lot of things. I also have forgiven. But I have learned. 

I think it's time to laugh it off and have some fun. On a much better note...after two years of searching, I finally found orange sparkly pillows for my couch. VICTORY!

Finding the missing part

Michaela finishing her first ride. 

This past week I had the opportunity to do massage for the ACT 6 Aids ride. It was an incredible experience for me personally. I found what had been missing from my life. I didn't want this to be what it was....but life doesn't let you choose if something is meant to be.

The first two days I spent very very VERY crabby. First off: dealing with my sister's broken heart and re-living all of that for myself. Realizing a lot of that pain was still unhealed for me. It feels like death. I remember it well. Especially the first time you deal with those emotions, because that's the first time you realize it's so possible to feel something so out of control. I realized I haven't been a good example for her either. Hmmmf! So I sat in my junk floating around me and chose to be in crabby mood.  Second: Having no plan about what was next for me. School was the only committment I had left. Nothing was shifting.

On the third day, we talked about what making a difference meant. The riders had their 100 mile ride that day, and they were HURTING. Not only physically, but emotionally. There were a lot of tears that night. People were really getting present to why there were there, either riding or crewing: and it's to make a difference. Chealsea talked about not getting into the "Oh their quads hurt so I'm going to fix this mode" and instead just said, "These people are so greatful you are here. That you are taking 15 minutes of time to touch them. Just be present with them and their experience." So being the resisty little biatch I can be, I told myself that was crap, blah blah blah, I'm suffering and shut it. But then I decided if I wanted room for something to shift, I needed to try it on.

So I was present with every client. Now think about this for a minute. How many times are we talking to someone and we have a million other thoughts of what we have to do tomorrow going through our heads? How many times do we REALLY REALLY listen and feel? Most human beings don't. It takes a lot of practice and effort. It was really difficult at first. I let it all flow through me, and wanted each client to just recieve. You can always tell the ones who know how to recieve and the ones who don't. It's such a difference. You can tell so much about a person from doing just 15 minutes of bodywork on them. There were a lot of tears as people remembered their loved ones who had passed away from the disease. Each person was so thankful for the bodywork. 

I looked in the closet at the school and there was a box that said "Rosetta Stone" on it. I thought of the Tool song and blessed the seredipity of it all. 

The last day was a GORGEOUS outdoor event. The weather was perfect. Everyone wore red. It was so powerful. There were so many different people coming together for one common cause. This disease kills people. It hurts people. It changes lives. Bringing awareness and shedding some positive light on it really paves the way for transformation. 

Michalea fell on the second day. She sprained her wrist and was in a ton of pain. It was her first year riding. I saw her in a new light of vulnerability and realized that she too, is just human. We all are. And what I got so present to was that we all just do the best we can, and if we can offer SOMETHING to help another, it makes such a difference. Offering support or bodywork can make a huge difference to somebody. I saw my hero rely on us to support her. It was an interesting feeling...knowing that everyone needs someone. We are all connected and the common emotions and feelings of being human that we share bond us. 

The closing ceremony was very powerful...and then it hit me. "NO NO NO NO NO" I said in my head, but I knew it to be true. What I had been missing was being active. I know this, but I didn't want to admit it. There is a part of me that knows if I set my mind and heart to it, I could be a great athlete. And that's what's next. And after I let that in, I was FLOODED with ideas for Dragonfly Wellness, which is the company I'm creating. Removing blocks can be pretty beneficial. So, I turned to Jessie and said, "You know we're riding in this next year right?" "No way, I don't even have a bike," she says. Michaela's mom turns to her and says, "You can use mine!" BUSTED! So apprehensively we both said, "oh shit, here we go." And so it is. 

Call it dopamine, call it love, call it spirit, call it energy. It's all the same thing. The body creates what it experiences. What we all call it doesn't matter. What we feel and what we offer to ourselves and the world is what does. EXTEND!!!! Be the change you wish to see in the world. That's what I'm creating for myself, and nobody can bring me down from that. 

Almost two years ago, I was selling crappy advertising in Lodi, WI. I came across a business card with a dragonfly on it. It was for a massage therapist. Something inside of me said, "You're going to do this." It ended up that the card I came across was that of a girl I had talked to earlier that day that worked at the chiropractor's office. I went in the next day to chat with her about massage...something I knew NOTHING about at the time. We had a great conversation. I drove home that night thinking..."Wouldn't it be great to work at a chiropractor's office and do massage on my own?" I didn't think that was possible. I rememebered feeling so defeated, miserable in my job, in my life, in my relationships.  When you live in the realm that nothing is possible...it'll be true for you.

Here I am, two years later, graduated from massage school and having had a fantastic interview today at a chiropractic clinic in Sun Prairie. So here I am, living what I didn't think was possible. Yeah, it was a HARD road to get here, but when something is meant to be, it'll work out. Somehow it worked out that I could get set up with a payment plan at Tibia and the rest is now. Life can be very serendipitious. I choose to look at it that way, not because I'm naive, but because it's real and it happens. When something is meant to be, it finds it's way. No matter how crappy it looks in the meantime. Give it space, work on yourself and do what you can to help others along the way. I can't wait to find out what's possible next. 

The complications of the human heart

Yes, this blog will mainly be about me being a judgemental biatch, because that's how I feel right now. The topic of the day: romantic relationships and how they are so completely messed up and so completely similar for me and each one of my siblings.

Recently while comforting my sister from her recent break up from her first love with Glass Nickel Pizza and sad movies, we had a striking conversation. Each one of us siblings has issues with relationships. Big issues. Issues that I've worked this whole last year on healing and still have a ways to go. Now, what do we all have in common...hmmmm...our parents! It's amazing how a person is raised can absolutely contribute to how they are in their adult life. Once you reach adulthood, it's your responsibility to heal these issues, however, it's hard not to blame...which is what I want to do right now.

Not one of us has ever had the "upper hand." What about common ground? Trust? Creating a relationship in love and each other? We've always been attracted to people who end up being totally emotionally unavailable and we keep trying and trying, but of course it never works.  When someone shows up who is GREAT for us, we run the opposite direction. We get stuck in these patterns, I've watched it in each and every one of us. 

I've learned that people will unconsciously attract to them what they need to heal. I've seen people who aren't ready for another relationship yet because of unresolved past issues keep being attracted to unavailable women, I've seen people who aren't emotionally available or stuck or blocked in their lives attract the same kinds of people, I've seen women who are so desperate to be loved, they will date anyone. This stuff happens all the time...but when you are "in" it, you usually can't or won't see it. It all stems from within yourself and healing what's there. 

So how do you heal this stuff? It's different for everyone. Sometimes I get to these points, like how I'm feeling now and think "What the fuck have I been doing? Has anything worked? What am I suppossed to do?" But I realize that awareness is the first step and being aware and being honest about it is very difficult to do sometimes.

I want my siblings and I to have great, beautiful, meaningful relationships with people who are good for us and care about us unconditionally. I think about how we've all grown up and become our own person, but how we each have this very delicate, fragile and harmful aspect of ourselves from our experiences of growing up. 

It's been difficult, seeing my old classmates recently and most are married or engaged or in serious relationships. I've been there before....my ex boyfriend had even bought the ring. I'm on this adventure that wasn't suppossed to happen. I guess you can't plan life. And you have to do the best with what you know, what you are shown and learn from your experiences. I hate this circle. It's like an onion, layers and layers, each one more painful than the last. Maybe I should just throw the damn onion away, drink a lot, do a lot of theater, do a lot of pot, and listen to a lot of techno. That worked for me for awhile. But now with all the vices removed...there is just me. And I'm done with all my committments on Sunday. And I feel like right now, I have no idea what I'm doing. I forgot something along the way. What the hell was it?  I hate being a prisoner of my own making. 

Did I Forget To Pick Up My Drycleaning?

For the past few weeks, I've had this overwhelming sensation that something is very "off." Not in a fearful, something really bad is going to happen way...but more of a I feel like I should be doing something or I forgot something. It's almost like I dropped of clothes and then forgot to pick them up at the cleaners. It's like I have a vague memory of something, almost like a dream you can't remember, but you know it was significant.

I went on a walk today, just trying to clear my mind and noticed how out of shape I had become from being very sedentary since my foot surgery. I'm retraining my body to walk. With new feet, everything is different. The whole walk was very nice, however it's like I have this nagging feeling that something isn't quite right.

I thought to myself and asked myself a million questions...is it love? kids? marriage? career? health? etc etc....but no....nothing really had a hit for me. I almost sat down because I felt lost, like I didn't know where I was. 

Life is just really really great right now....but something is missing. There is something that doesn't feel right, and I guess whatever it is, the only way to discover it is to look within. I keep trying to leave Madison, but it keeps not working. Is something not complete? Is there something else to do here? I know I should just meditate and relax, but something is definetely simmering.  It's almost like something was suppossed to happen in a different way, or have already happened....and it didn't....so now things are resetting themselves. But I have no clarity around WHAT or WHY or HOW or if that's even true. It just feels like I forgot to pick up my drycleaning. 

Why Can't I Quit You?

Here's why:

Anytime you pump 10 teaspoons of sugar into your system at once, of course it's going to feel good. It also gives me extra weight, acne and a congested liver. Cool! I've been trying to quit Mt. Dew for years and I'm never successful. I keep going back, craving the sugar, the taste and the fizz. It's awesome. But it's also slowly killing me. I have a really sensitive system and I know part of it is all the wrong foods I put into my body.

I just got back from a movie, and of course, had a Mt. Dew. I have horrible stomach cramps and heart pain, but I've gotten used to that. Seeing these videos woke me up a bit, because I didn't realize everything that was used as an ingredient in the soda and what it would do to the body.

I don't have a degree in chemistry, but from what I've read from "Healing With Whole Foods" eating naturally is the best possible thing you can do for your body. Of course this seems like a no brainer, but once you are present to the science behind it, it really opens up your eyes. Our culture and greed has made society unhealthy, overweight and addicted to many substances. 

I hate that everything I love is so bad for me. Sad face.