Super Whiny Face Today

I think I've come to a point of integration. Maybe integration isn't the right word. Maybe I'll come across the right word sooner or later.

When do you draw the line of laughing it all off or taking something seriously? If you are upset, and you hurt, should you just laugh about it? But when you can look at it later and it's funny, then why were you so serious in the first place?

Humans are weird. We all are just weird and have our quirks and our learned behaviors and we are always changing and fitting in and then not fitting in and everything is in this big continuous flow.  What's interesting is to recognize our patterns; rather our ways of being that once served us in some way, but are now hazardous to our future and our present.

The easiest example is love. Everyone has been hurt in love. It's just a rite of passage. Some have been hurt more than others. When your sister takes off with your husband, that's going to sting a little more than your high school sweetheart leaving for college. My point is, we learn a behavior that we associate with love, because of the strong emotions attached, even if we don't realize consciously we are doing it. 

So, the learned behavior is "Love hurts me." We protect ourselves. When someone new comes along and we think we are healed and can begin again, we run away. Or can't open up. Because love hurts. But we are basing our present on our past. And there is nothing you can do to change that except to heal it for yourself. It doesn't matter if you date one or one hundred people, if that is still there that "love hurts" it's going to keep hurting you, and you will keep attracting that idea in. 

If you start to heal these things and behaviors, you start to transform. You will attract new people into your life, and guess what? Love can be amazing. But it won't be amazing until you feel for yourself that you are amazing. Easy example right?

Complications. Patterns can be learned very early on. I have an issue with not being able to say how I feel. It doesn't necessarily matter how or when it started...because blame doesn't do anything. I've done a lot of healing around that issue, and my relationship with my mother, but I've still got this hurt and scared part of me that gets so upset and defensive when I'm teased or challenged in a way that I don't know how to respond to. Most of the time, it's fine....I have a great sense of humor and can give it right back. But when you really care about someone and what they think, it can hurt. But it really  has nothing to do with this person now, it's from the past. Because I've learned that "Every time you speak what you feel, you're going to get hurt" I get frustrated and upset when I'm trying to express something and it comes out all wrong. 

I know where it stems from and it's very deep and from very early in life. In fact, I can almost pinpoint the exact year it started happening. So my question is this...does it really matter? Should I just give it up and laugh about it? I've been working so much on it, but the feelings are there and they are real. So how can you back up from it and still stay present? It's just like the love example...Love Hurts....so I'm backing out of it. 

It's interesting. Humans. We say so much that we want connection with others, but we do so much to isolate ourselves. I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who moved out east. She started dating a guy there and found the relationship to be emotionally lacking. He says that "Out there, we don't talk about anything real." Maybe I'm unique and she's unique, but I doubt that when it comes to talking about something of substance. This kind of stuff makes people suffer. It's what keeps us from accomplishing our goals and dreams or even from setting them in the first place. All because from something in your past that has nothing to do with the present moment. Some would call it insanity, but in fact, it's part of everyone's life.

It takes a lot to admit that I have issues with speaking and anger. I guess I'm glad that I have people I can express these things to and most often, not be judged. I've come a long way. I feel like I'm very close to getting under the last layer of this. One thing I know for a fact: I'm never going to scream at my children to shut up, hit them, or threaten them. I know I will never scare them into doing things so everything is based on fear, nor will I be so financially out of control that my children don't get to participate in a lot of things. I also have forgiven. But I have learned. 

I think it's time to laugh it off and have some fun. On a much better note...after two years of searching, I finally found orange sparkly pillows for my couch. VICTORY!