Yes, this blog will mainly be about me being a judgemental biatch, because that's how I feel right now. The topic of the day: romantic relationships and how they are so completely messed up and so completely similar for me and each one of my siblings.
Recently while comforting my sister from her recent break up from her first love with Glass Nickel Pizza and sad movies, we had a striking conversation. Each one of us siblings has issues with relationships. Big issues. Issues that I've worked this whole last year on healing and still have a ways to go. Now, what do we all have in common...hmmmm...our parents! It's amazing how a person is raised can absolutely contribute to how they are in their adult life. Once you reach adulthood, it's your responsibility to heal these issues, however, it's hard not to blame...which is what I want to do right now.
Not one of us has ever had the "upper hand." What about common ground? Trust? Creating a relationship in love and each other? We've always been attracted to people who end up being totally emotionally unavailable and we keep trying and trying, but of course it never works. When someone shows up who is GREAT for us, we run the opposite direction. We get stuck in these patterns, I've watched it in each and every one of us.
I've learned that people will unconsciously attract to them what they need to heal. I've seen people who aren't ready for another relationship yet because of unresolved past issues keep being attracted to unavailable women, I've seen people who aren't emotionally available or stuck or blocked in their lives attract the same kinds of people, I've seen women who are so desperate to be loved, they will date anyone. This stuff happens all the time...but when you are "in" it, you usually can't or won't see it. It all stems from within yourself and healing what's there.
So how do you heal this stuff? It's different for everyone. Sometimes I get to these points, like how I'm feeling now and think "What the fuck have I been doing? Has anything worked? What am I suppossed to do?" But I realize that awareness is the first step and being aware and being honest about it is very difficult to do sometimes.
I want my siblings and I to have great, beautiful, meaningful relationships with people who are good for us and care about us unconditionally. I think about how we've all grown up and become our own person, but how we each have this very delicate, fragile and harmful aspect of ourselves from our experiences of growing up.
It's been difficult, seeing my old classmates recently and most are married or engaged or in serious relationships. I've been there before....my ex boyfriend had even bought the ring. I'm on this adventure that wasn't suppossed to happen. I guess you can't plan life. And you have to do the best with what you know, what you are shown and learn from your experiences. I hate this circle. It's like an onion, layers and layers, each one more painful than the last. Maybe I should just throw the damn onion away, drink a lot, do a lot of theater, do a lot of pot, and listen to a lot of techno. That worked for me for awhile. But now with all the vices removed...there is just me. And I'm done with all my committments on Sunday. And I feel like right now, I have no idea what I'm doing. I forgot something along the way. What the hell was it? I hate being a prisoner of my own making.
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