A Never Ending Fairytale

I met a dragon who showed me a mirror. My reflection stunned me-who had I become? Dazzling illusions of superficial energetics emerged, cords deeper than I could have imagined.

The dragon calmed my soul with his curious eyes, but my reflection back was too much for this time around. Saturated with my own tears of self-denial, we were frozen in time. Paralyzed. A free fall of trust would need to be present. It wasn't so. 

I next met a mermaid who swam in my pain. Sea-green eyes of love and trust buried behind years of self-denied intuition. A perfect reflection on this karmic journey. A contracted relationship of insight and self awareness. She rides away on seahorses and I glide around on dragonflies. We understand. 

I opened up what I had locked away so very tightly. I opened my heart to myself, breaking down my self imposed prisons of mirrors and chains. I step into uncertainty with a smile, very familiar with it's burn. 

I gaze at the moon in wonder and feel my wholeness. I reflect on the journey thus far-thanking the dragon for his arrival. He's my best teacher. He probably doesn' t know I feel this way. He will now. It's from the ash that the pheonix will rise.

I see my actions clearly-as I have been chosen to be the mirror for a new character, Mr. Uncertain.  I see through his facade of this reflection of himself. It's a way that I had previously known myself-that's why it's so easy to see. 

It's a sickening compassion and I see him clearly-but he doesn't see me. He sees and believes in my illusion-that somehow I will make him complete. I will somehow validate his existence and pain. He's about to embark on his greatest voyage over the roughest waters he has known-his own heart. How very unsafe and scary it feels to find the doors to your own heart. But until you do, how can you possibly know what you have to share with another, if you don't know your own?

One last look at the moon assures me he will find his way. Seven years of friendship may be lost, but change is always happening. 

I stand in my own now. I stand in my heart and in my center. I bathe in the light of clear uncertainty of the path ahead. Nothing matters. My own breath is felt. I live and I wait for the eyes that match mine-knowing the moment of seeing them for the very first time is soon to come. It is not important anymore. Nothing really is. 

The daisies on my balcony have closed for rest for the night. I too shall fall away into slumber. I'll embrace my dragon, swim with my mermaid, and dance with Mr. Uncertain. They are all reflections of myself, all parts of me too, all beings to be loved. 

One. Simple. Trust. Sleep-it's time to wake up. Time's up. 

My voice makes a difference

You know that feeling when you're ready to step up to the plate, but it's really scary? When you know change is coming and you want to embrace it but at the same time, push it away? That's what my Visions Class was like.

Visions in a nutshell: Using the space to have a break-through in your life. Having to get up in front of a room full of people and really feel. It's emotional, it's draining, but at the same time so awesomely transformational.

I watched my dear friend get up there and say he wanted to open his heart to love. But when you start getting underneath what is preventing something like that, you really start to see how a person has imprisoned himself in his own mind.  When he was asked, "What makes you think you aren't open to love," he said things like, "I'm unattractive, my thoughts are so strange, I don't want people to really know me or they'll hate me, everytime I get close to someone they don't want to be my friend anymore." Through the sobs, you could see it. A pattern. And it's almost like when someone is stuck in that, they find evidence everywhere to support these ideas and beliefs. It really has to come from inside that person...seeing how they created it and it isn't real.  THAT is what is transformational. As he got present to these beliefs and was coached, he really got that he was opening his heart to love. The other catch: You have to stand up there in front of the whole class until everyone in the room stands up for you. Everyone else has to believe that you got it for yourself too.

I could see his own prison clear as day, and how nobody in reality actually viewed him in this way. He could probably do anything short of killing my family and I'd still love him. He's amazing, inspiring, loveable, creative, a hard worker, hilarious...the list goes on. A true Kindred Spirit. But that's not the point. The point is, humans will continue to create their own self imposed prisons until the mind is still, clear and present. It was almost ridiculous to me that he could believe this about himself. But stuff like not being loved by your father and past relationships starts to come up and blah blah blah...we all know that story. But really...what you do DOES have an effect. It's not that you should blame others for your reactions, it's more so of getting present to how your reaction to something occuring created a belief in yourself that isn't real. I'm so glad for my friend that he is opening his heart to love. How amazing and what a gift he is giving himself. The only reason he went to Tibia was for the transformation part, and on the very last day, he got it. 

F.E.A.R....False Evidence Appearing Real.  I saw the new Batman movie the night before and was so perfectly stirred up for Visions. I was really present to my belief in myself that no matter what I do, it doesn't make a difference. I felt that movie was so based on fear, and what it can do to a human being. I started thinking about the government and war and all the fear that is so very apparent in our society. I thought about all the people starving and freezing and how society doesn't take care of them. I thought about not being able to make a difference. The conversation I had with my friend after the movie validated that thought even more for me. I felt what I was saying wasn't making a difference...that my intentions were coming out of my mouth all wrong. A pattern. I know this pattern and I'm able to catch myself when I'm running it now, but the emotion of it is still there. ARGHH!! 

So, here it is Sunday morning, running on a few hours sleep and we are centering. Michaela picks a few songs and the song, "One Voice Was Heard" was played. That started moving that emotion through me....those lyrics were exactly what I needed to be reminded of.  Knowing that I wanted to be moving into service for human beings, but being scared that I couldn't make a difference really sucks. I've always known that I would spend a period of my life traveling and doing service, and now those opportunities are starting to show up for me. I knew I needed to clear this pattern of thinking I can't make a difference out of my system so that I can actually make a difference in life. Whatever you believe is true for you, even if others don't believe it.

When it was my turn to stand up there, I just stood there. I had no words. I put my hands on my hips and my teacher said I looked like a super hero, which was really funny, because after seeing Batman, it was really how I wanted to feel. I just said I have no words. I was asked "What do you want?" I said I want to make a difference, I want to be loved by someone who actually loves me back. The tears were there, and I felt like I couldn't speak. I felt all this energy moving through me. I had the worst headache ever. I got more and more present to these feelings and Michaela said, "You've had a lot of experience in thinking that what you say doesn't make a difference, but you're looking at it in time. When you track it, it does." I thought about it and it was true. I don't know how what I say is going to land for others. But what I do know is that I thought of all the times I had made a difference to someone. And I realized I just looked at the times when my mind created that I didn't. 

I realized it wasn't just words. There was the energetics of singing as well. As I was getting that into my system, Michaela says, "Why don't you just sing and that will help this move through?" I love how she just knows. It took me forever, but I did a verse of Amazing Grace. Then she said to sing and extend Transformation. I couldn't think of anything to sing but the National Anthem. HA! So I sang it and half way through it, I really started to believe that my voice made a difference. The whole class stood. Michalea and Karen still weren't standing.

The statement for me was, "My voice makes a difference." I had to SING that. So I made up just a scale to it. I was coached to keep singing it louder and louder. Holy shit...hardest thing I've ever done. I felt this bar of energy around my shoulders and heart just shatter. They stood up. It was awesome. What was really fun is that Michaela had already picked out our graduation gifts and gave them to us after class.  Mine said, "Sing Loud."

I will continue to Sing Loud and to keep speaking. I can't control how it lands for someone, but I trust myself enough to know that what I'm saying and doing is occuring perfectly for what is needed in that moment. 

My hair is short now. It feels lighter and that's how I feel too. Very light. Very free. Very open to love. Very open to myself. Ready to make a difference.

One Voice Was Heard

Some kids have it, some kids don't 
and some of us are wondering why. 
And mom won't watch the news at night 
there's too much stuff that's making her cry. 

We need some help 
down here on earth 
a thousand prayers 
a million words 
but one voice was heard. 

A house, a yard, a neighborhood where you can ride your new bike to school. 
The kind of world where mom and dad 
still believe the golden rule. 

Life's not that simple 
Down here on Earth 
A thousand prayers 
A million words 
But on voice was heard. 

One voice, one simple word. 
Hearts know what to say. 
One dream can change the world. 
Keep believing, till you find your way. 

Yesterday while walking home 
I saw some kid on Newberry Road. 
He pulled a pistol from his bag 
and tossed it in the river below. 

Thanks for the help 
Down here on Earth 
A thousand prayers 
A million words 
But one voice was heard. 
One voice was heard. 
One voice was heard

Frustration, Compassion and Sadness...all in one session

I gave a massage today to an aquaintance. It wasn't her first session, so I knew sort of what to expect energetically from her. 

She can't relax. She is constantly twitching, jerking, moving around. Her nervous system has the brakes on at all times. She tries to do everything herself in her life and she stresses herself out way too much. She's usually a pile of emotions and clearly has a life out of balance. It reminds me of me a year ago.

I felt such compassion for her. I understand what it's like to be stressed out all the time...usually caused by the own voices in your head. You hear, "I'm not good enough, I'm awkward, I suck at everything I do, nobody understands me...etc," in your head all the time. It makes you want to lock yourself away from the world, never giving anyone a real chance to really understand or know you. It's easy to be present when there is alcohol involved...anyone can do that. Usually these people get sloppy drunk to deal with all the shit going in inside of them. UGHHH that was so me, and still can be. I just wanted to tell her to take care of herself, but we don't have that relationship...not yet anyway.

In school, they teach us the body's defense mechanisms and stress patterns and all sorts of things related to the client's emotional health. I'm so happy to be aware of these things, because it helps guide me with what kind of a session to give and to meet the client where they are at.

Oh, did I have an overwhelming desire to open my mouth and tell her everything I was intuitively recieving about her, her body, her emotions, what was going on...but I knew not to say anything, but those clues helped me give an amazing session. It's hard though, I still feel empathetic and sad. 

I guess no matter what, I cannot fix a person. Nobody needs to be fixed anyway because everyone is complete and whole. I guess a better word for fix would be "help." I can't help unless the person can recieve. And this client goes on the defensive right away with anything. People hate being vulnerable, but I've never seen anything like this. I was mostly frustrated because she's trying so hard to prove to the world that she means something. I so understand that. 

Blahhh...I just feel like I need something. Hmmm. I hate feeling like there is something missing.  I also hate having mirrors shown to me that I don't want to see. 

Love/Infatuation/Obsession/WTF

Seriously, what makes somebody so attractive to another? Of course there's the physical, there's usually some emotional component too. But what happens when somebody wants to be with you so badly and you just aren't having it?

I feel like I'm in this weird malfunction. The romantic feelings just aren't there for me. I thought they were for a little bit, but when I really had time to sit with it, it was really just the fact that he was genuine, compassionate, real and caring....something I'm really not used to in men that I date. (THAT is going to change, time to be picky.) I'm slowly realizing my worth and what I can offer in a relationship. I need somebody who is present, loves himself and has space for me too. This guy doesn't love himself. And that's becoming more and more obvious as the days go on.

Our friendship has become awkward and his myspace and facebook (seriously, who INVENTED this crap...it's enough to make somebody crazy) statuses are usually something about me. I know he's lost his mind over a girl before, but I really don't want him to lose it over me. He's a great guy, it's just that there isn't that chemistry. That seriously-I-can't-keep-my-hands-off-of-you chemistry. That's a groundrule for me. I have to have that. 

So what now, do I lose years of friendship because of this? I feel so very awkward about it. It's not even the "we're great friends and attracted to each other and there is something there" and we can flirt and have fun. Nope, it's not like that. It's becoming increasingly obvious to me that he could possibly be losing his shit over me. Over me??? Seriously!! Clearly, I don't love myself enough either to think that it's even possible.

So what makes us feel the way we do? Is it because we are attracted to what we emotionally can't provide for ourselves? Are we attracted to the same "kind" of person, where their emotions mirror our internal ones? Is it sometimes purely chemical? Why do some people become almost an obsession to us? 

I think it's best to usually look inward when this stuff comes up. At first I felt guilty, but I know I have no responsibility for how somebody choses to live his life and handle his emotions.  Maybe he needed to lose his shit for awhile and I was just a trigger for it. Just because someone doesn't want to be with you, doesn't mean you suck at life. Hmm...I should take my own advice. 

Fear in the Elbows

Last night I was so wonky. No matter what I did to try and get comfortable, I could not fall asleep. The insomnia has been rampant this week. It's so frustrating. I decided to try some self treatment in myofascial release to relax. 

Lately, I feel like something is out of whack in my left ribcage. It feels like something is stuck to the bottom of it. I get these sharp, hard pains and the muscle fibers in my abdominals are really tight. I did some a psoas release on each side and after that I found two trigger points in my left obliques. Owwww.

I did an arm pull using the weight of the limb guide the motion. It's actually really easy to do and you can feel it really well. I just layed on the bed and let my arm hang off. About 5 minutes into it, I became so panicked. I could feel the restrictions in my elbow tearing (probably too forcefully) and I became absorbed into this intense fear and panic. It was awful and I had to stop. I don't really know what that was about, but I didn't like it one bit. I'll probably play around with that with self treatment. 

I want an awesome boyfriend. It would be so great to snuggle up with someone, look into their eyes and think "I'm so lucky right now."

In my Inbox Today

Your mind is like a reporter, only the most biased reporter is more objective than your mind.

Your mind colors everything. As an example, when you listen to the presidential pre-election news in the U.S., when you are a staunch Republican, you listen one way, and when you are a staunch Democrat, you listen another way. Whom you are for makes a phenomenal difference to how you think. If you are for one or the other, you don't even want to hear what the other side has to say.

If you are pro-gun laws or anti-gun laws, you just want to hear your side promulgated. You really don't care to hear the other side, as if there were only two sides in the first place. When someone opposed to your view is talking, you will disgruntledly turn the TV to another channel.

So much for objectivity. You might as well confess that you don't have it.

Now, I am not saying that you must have objectivity. No, I don't say that at all. What I do say is that you must admit, if only to yourself, that you come loaded with bias. Your mind is most often made up before you begin. Is that not true?

In the larger issues, no one really cares too much what you think. They want your approval and your vote, but, otherwise, you don't matter to them. How would they care? They don't even know you.

But those you live with and those you work with and those you are friends with, they really do care what you are feeling and thinking. When there is an issue with those close to you, will you consider putting your biases aside and listening for a while, letting the other person have a say while you listen? For the sake of both of your hearts, you've got to.

Truly, it is not that you must agree. It's just that you must listen because all hearts need to be listened to, at the least, to be heard. Better yet, to be understood. Oh, what a wave of relief there is when someone understands what you have been trying to say! When people listen to you, they help you to know what you mean. They give a great service.

When you do not or will not give your attention to what others are saying to you, you cut off their hearts. You know the feeling of having your heart cut off. You don't like it.

It does not cost you anything to hear what someone else is feeling. It doesn't cost you anything to listen, to care enough to listen, and to listen without interruption. Will you do that? No longer cut off hearts? Will you let people say what they have in their hearts and minds to say? You know, of course, whatever the issue and how important it may have seemed, it may have been a big to-do about nothing. You may even find that, when you listen, you are both saying the exact same thing!

And now, will you give an extra few minutes to let the people who care about you reveal their hearts to you? And will you let people know you hear what they are saying and that you respect them enough to listen, really listen?

Where I'm at

Well, I tried and failed with the raw food cleanse. On day three, it got to be too much with all the emotions and debates with a friend, so I ate what I wanted. I have realized before how much I turn to food for comfort. I got really angry at myself and started the usual berating, but then I decided to just accept where I am at. Clearly, I'm not ready to let go my attachment of food yet. Ugh...there will be a time to try again soon. What I have been doing is starting to incorporate more raw food into my diet, taking a less drastic approach.

On a better note, my essential oil kit arrived. I've been experimenting with them and I love them!!! I read through all my materials and decided to try a few of the recommendations they had for the oils that I purchased.

First I put lemon oil in the dishwasher and all the glass came out perfect. Usually there is a gross film of detergent or food debris or something gross, but nope...with the lemon oil...clear and clean. My second experiment was with Lucy. I let her smell the lavender oil for relaxation and she was out like a light taking a nap within a few minutes.  I also put a drop of lavender on my dryer sheet and had lovely smelling towels. Another lavender favorite is putting a drop on my hand at night and then rubbing it on my pillow for relaxation.

The very very very very very BEST part of the oils is the difference in my skin. I've been using frankinscense and purification on my face for four days. All my acne is cleared up. The only thing I have still is the scarring, but it's improved quite a bit. I've tried everything on the market but accutane and have made diet changes and tried every skin care product out there, but this is the only thing that has worked. Do you know how it feels to be comfortable leaving the house without spending 20 minutes covering up my face with makeup? It feels amazing!!!! I've also been adding lemon oil to my water and I really enjoy the flavor of it. This could be part of the skin clearing up too, but all I know is that it's working and it's really helping my self confidence. Yay!

I'm excited to get my book for recipes for the oils. So far, so good. I'm very happy and excited about this new experiment in my life. 

Other than that, graduation keeps creeping up. I'm sad to leave Tibia, but I know I'll continue on in the Intutive Classes. I will really miss my class, but I know all good things come to an end eventually so that new good things have space to show up. 

Life's pretty good right now, but yet, I still feel something is "off" or "missing." Hmmm...I guess when whatever that is shows up for me, I'll know it. 

Day Two-totally Emo

I'm feeling much better physically today than yesterday. My belly is already flatter (YES) and I've started using coconut oil on my skin and notice a huge difference. 

I'm feeling very emo though. Not surprising, considering what's in my awareness lately.  My head would not shut up last night, so I took a painkiller left over from surgery in hopes to shut off my head. That didn't work. In fact, it made it worse. I picked up a book and read the whole thing, and I was up til 5 am. 

I just realized that I'm really lonely. Yes, I have great friends and a great family, but something is missing. I'm really romantically lonely. Not physically, but emotionally. I miss that connection with someone. I miss someone actually caring about me enough to respond to what I say, to care about me and my ideas and thoughts and worries. I miss caring about someone in that capacity too. I miss staying up late, talking about life and love all snuggled up. I miss cooking a new meal with someone, or going out somewhere new. I miss that discovery and that bond. 

My life is great. I have a great game plan for what I want to do with my life in the next year or two, but really....I feel almost like what's the point if there's nobody to share it with? I guess I do have many people that love me, and this really hasn't bothered me that much before. It's been five years since I left my last long relationship and I feel I've learned and lived from that. I've dated and realized what I want and don't want in a man. So now that I know...where the hell is he?

It's not a NEED, but a WANT. I know I will always be a loving, caring, successful woman and I will create meaning in my life for myself and share it with those I love. But I'm ready for something more. Something that I can put myself on the line for. Someone that will actually care that I care for them.  Somebody that helps support me to be a better person. Somebody who wants to be around me as much as I want to be around them. 

I hate being lonely, and I know it will pass. Sigh. Is it took much for a girl to ask to want that connection with somebody? 

Day One-100% Raw Food

Well, I expected this. My resistance to this is extremely palpable. I'm craving cookies and sugar and coffee. I WANT IT! Ugh, my body has been programmed to run on sugar and white flour...hence why I always have a low level of fatigue and acne. I'm not fat, but I'm not toned. My belly is always puffy. I know in about three days it'll be flat as a pancake, which I'm looking forward to.

Out of every cleanse/detox I've done, I know the first three days are hell. On day four I usually wake up with incredible energy, clarity and just feel awesome. 

Avacado and corn soup sucks. This may be due to not being able to find one decent avacado in this state. Raspberries and blueberries for breakfast is good. Making your own salad dressing is a lot of fun and so is experimenting with all these new recipes. I just wish I had a dehydrator and juicer, but I don't. I know I won't do 100% Raw Food after this 21 plan. I hope to do 70%...that gives me one meal a day to eat grains and cook food if I want.

I hate the first day. 

It's Time

Starting Monday, July 7th, I will begin a 21 day Raw Food cleanse diet. Why? Because it's time.

This whole past year has been a great emotional clearing house. I needed it. I had so much that I had pushed down in me, and it caused me pain in my life without my conscious awarness of it. I was afraid to really love, afraid to truly connect and communicate, completely absorbed in anxiety, immersed in my own suffering. It's been about opening my heart. The biggest piece in that part of it came last weekend. I've always avoided confrontation and last Saturday, I got a huge dose of it. However, it ended up being the best thing possible. I was reminded, "You don't have to do this alone." Oh yeah. Duh. How easily we forget. 

I can see the changes in myself. I feel more comfortable in who I am. I feel more confident in pushing the envelope, challenging people to be who they really are. I feel secure in my intuition, no longer needing external validation, I know it for myself. I've done all this emotional work, but yet my body and skin problems remain the same. Time to take another look.

Right now, my body is covered in these weird red rashes that look almost like psoriasis. Before my big emotional clearing last week, I was broken out in hives. Because of the mind-body-spirit connection, I feel like this is all part of a bigger whole. What I do know, is that I'm becoming extremely sensitive. I react to food differently than before. I react to cleaners, shampoo, soap etc than I have before. It's time to remove all the CRAP out of my body. Literally.

I recently watched "Supercharge Me" a documentary about a woman who did a Raw Food 30 day diet. She looked phenomenal. I'm so inspired, and I will do this. After the cleansing period, I hope to maintain a diet of at least 70% Raw for the rest of my life. When I did just a 3 day cleanse a few weeks ago, I dropped a few pounds, all the bloating in my belly was gone, and my face was less puffy. I'm excited to see what 21 days can do. 

I've also started an education program about theraputic essential oils. They will be a huge part of my support. They are PHENOMENAL!! The results I've had from just taking the classes are amazing. I'm so excited to get my kits soon.

I need health and vitality to do what I'm meant to do on this planet. I really got clear about that. I want to live life the fullest and best way that I can. Because I mean really, if we don't do what we came here to do, what's the fucking point of life anyway? I'm tired of doing it over and over again. It's time to be strong, it's time to do what's best for me and it's time to start being who I really am. I want to be constantly  renewing myself in every moment. I want to make a difference to others. To be a clear vessel, I can't keep shoving mt. dew and pizza down my throat. Time to get back to nature and what is best for any human being. The earth gave us everything we need, why do we keep destroying it?