Reflections on Johnson Road

There are times when I feel like I might feel things more deeply than
most humans. Or perhaps it's that I find things to be more than their
face value. Almost like making something into a diamond when it should
just stay a plain river rock. It's the value and the worth we place on
people, events, places and memories that marks our hearts. I find it is
the worth we place on ourselves is the one that we put as little face
value on as possible sometimes.

The evening started with having
some very proud moments as I watched my sister sing and dance on stage.
She looked at home up there. There is truly nothing better than
watching someone you love do something great. I remembered her as a
little girl-getting into my things, stealing my make up and jewelry.
I'd get so angry with her, but truly, she just wanted to be like me.
She wanted to sing and dance like me. I didn't realize that at the time
though. My sister has grown into an amazing young woman, and I couldn't
be more proud of her. That's generally a pretty good way to start off
your evening. I fell into infatuation with a young man that sang for
theMadhatters. Men who can sing. Ugh, just pick my jaw up off the floor now.

We drove up to Baraboo,
my kindred spirits and I. The ride was filled with witty sarcasm and
laughter as we taught Sarah to pump gas for the first time. We arrived
inBaraboo only to come face to face with the man that had let her down
the day before. Coincidence? No. Out of any place he could possibly be,
he was there at the same time we arrived. That doesn't just happen. It
was meant to happen so words could be exchanged for clearing and
resolution. That was the start of our interesting night inBaraboo.

I
had a strange conversation with my friend that we drove up to meet. It
was one of those awkward conversations where more was not said that
actually said. I stared into glazed over eyes of fatigue and something
else I couldn't quite grasp as I stumbled over myself to make small
talk with someone I really want to just bare my soul to. I've had
friendships that have changed and died and rekindled and all sorts of
things. But I've never had an experience of talking with someone where
I just didn't know what to say with my words. I wanted to say something
impressive or interesting so that things could just beok . He
acknowledged the awkwardness too. I was drawn into a memory of sitting
by the water last year as he told me his life story. I had sat and
listened to this man, not really offering much advice or knowing what
to say. I just knew that I loved listening to him. I just knew that I
would love him forever. There are a lot of people I can honestly say
that about, and for that, I feel blessed. Even when things change. Even
when you don't know what the hell you are doing. We are all dying
inside for connection, even when we isolate ourselves from the world.
The truth is I miss him. The truth is, we all do. We only see him on
rare occasions. This is what I mean about value.

I listened as
two other friends of mine shared about the troubles they are having in
their friendship. They have been friends since they've been in
kindergarten. That's a lot of years of ups and downs. I was deeply
saddened that they were having troubles, but I also know that our most
meaningful relationships are the ones that force us to look at our
"junk." And right now, they are both doing that very well. I know
things will get better and work themselves out. It just hurts to be in
that place of, "I can't deal with it anymore, but I miss her." Enough
said.

The night took the best unexpected turn ever when we
decided to take a bottle of Brandy from my friends' parents house and
go to the park and drink. Really? Yes, really. I love being around the
free spirit of laughter and energy. And nobody really does that better
than Graham. From the outside looking in, one would think he isn't as
wise as some. I beg to differ that he is wiser than all of us.

We
went to the park and sat by the water. We enjoyed laughter and banter
and wittiness and all sorts of enjoyment. It felt magical. The nights
of unexpected adventures are what I live for. The unpredictability of
the perfect day. I took it all in and it was amazing. Here I was, with
four people I had not known two years earlier, enjoying myself and
enjoying the profoundness of the ebb and flow of life. You never know
where life is going to take you or what will happen. I didn't think my
life would take me to a park inBaraboo at 3 am when I was 28 years old. The beauty and the uncertainty of the unknown was palpable to me at that moment.

A
beautiful stag entered the park and made itself known under the sky. It
sat there and stared at us. It was significant. Another argued that it
was not. The thing is, it was significant to me. Nobody else can say
that except for myself. It just might not have meant anything to him.
That's the difference of perception and our experience of the world. I
felt the awe inspiringconnectedness with the Universe and nature in
that wonderful moment. The feeling of being out of time and able to
just be. It was wonderful. And here we are at value again. The question
being, how much value do you put on the moments in your life? Are the
significant or do they just all pass by in a blur? I wanted to lay on
the grass in that park with those people forever. But, it was really
cold outside.

We then decided to go to the land where my friends' house had burned down. I watched as my two friends recalled their child
hood memories of that home and I could picture myself watching the
younger versions of them in that home. I received a new awareness of
them as people, how they are the way they are by the events of their
lives. By their interactions and different personalities and how they
deal with the world. I had a new appreciation for them both. It's
always great to see something or someone in a new light or new
perception.

The bottle of Brandy was passed to me and I heard,
"Come on J, take a drink." I was frozen in that moment as I was taken
back to the original giver of that nickname for me. It was just the way
Graham said my name. Of course, then I was made fun of for thinking
that had any meaning. But it's not like I heard him saying "R" or "S"
for Ray or Sarah. Of course it had no meaning to anyone but me, because
nobody else has been in my shoes. Nobody else has heard the way that
Ben used to call me J, and how Graham had just said it in that exact
same mannerism. It was like a moment that connected my past to my
present. It's in those moments that I appreciate what I'm doing even
more. It's those moments that make me realize I'm exactly as I should
be. It's in those moments that if Jordan's around to make fun of me I
want to hit him, but really I don't. Really I just want him to feel
something like I just felt in his own life. It's because I care about
him that I get so fired up. If I didn't, I wouldn't care to even
respond. I see how easily his brother understands this. I think about
the fact that I wouldn't be on this land having this moment if it
wasn't for Jordan. And I appreciate him even more. How do you find the
words to express that? I guess I just did.

I walked away from
the group for a moment of solitude with the sky. Unfortunately the
skies were cloudy and no stars were visible, but it was still nice to
look up at it. It's so humbling and wonderful to feel inner peace
within your own being. I was filled with so much gratitude for a night
like this. I used to have nights like this with Ben all the time. I'm
glad to have nights like this again. The value of this is priceless to
me. But, I may take it for more than face value. For one, it might just
be a night of nothing special, a night that just happens. For me, it's
a night of meaning, a night of love, a night of appreciation and a
night of hope that there are better days to come. Any night that your
stilettos are covered in forest matter when you get home is a
significant night.

As I watch the snow swirl around outside
right now, I think of another winter to get ready to hibernate. Based
on the past, I usually do this. But maybe this winter could be
different. It's all a matter of perception. Sometimes, I think I feel
more deeply than the average person. That I can make anything mean
something. But, it's what I do. It's who I am. And I think it makes
some people in my life love and appreciate me more. And, it makes some
people in my life just want to make fun of me and think I'm ridiculous.
It's all a matter of perceptions. And perceptions change every day.

I've done my time
looking back on it all
then it blows my mind,
I don't do sadness
so been there.
Don't do sadness
just don't care.

Sure, when it’s autumn
Wind always wants to
Creep up and haunt you
Whistlin’ it’s got you
With its heartache, with its sorrow
Winter wind sings and it cries.

Looking Back

Last summer I attended Middleton Player's performance of Caberet and was blown away by a performance by Ken Urso. I had never seen anything like it in community theater. As I stared at this man, I thought to myself, "Who IS this man, and why is he going to be so important to me?" I told my friend that I was with about it, and excitedly called him, when a few days later I found out I'd be attending massage school with Ken. Ken is now one of my dearest friends and we went through something incredible together at Tibia. I recently saw his performance again, this summer in Rocky Horror Picture Show, with Middleton Players. It was a "full circle" kind of moment for me. Again, blown away by his performace, but instead KNOWING why he was so important to me and enjoying his success and being so happy for him up there on stage. 

It's pretty much been that way with me for a long while. I can remember seeing a dragonfly pin on my grandmother at Christmas when I was 12, and thinking...what's it about dragonflies? Did I forget something. I remember hearing the song "Over the Moon" from RENT when I was in Winter Colorguard in college. It stuck in my head, again...the same feeling of...what IS that? It's interesting, but I vividly remember being exposed to something that's going to have meaning in my life. I usually know in the first few minutes of being around someone if they are someone I am to pursue a relationship of any kind with. I don't know how to explain that. It's just what is.

I wonder sometimes if we have this vague "blueprint" of what we are to do and enjoy in life and then we can fill in the blanks. I've been thinking about the creator of RENT today, Jonathan Larson. That show is incredible and he died opening night when it began to be successful. It was a freak heart condition. And, I can't help but wonder sometimes, did he just come here to put that out there, and then was able to just bail out, knowing his life's purpose was complete for this time around? The timing is too freaky. He created a cultural phenomena in musical theater, he created a show that has forever touched me. He created rich and intriguing characters that most of us can relate to people in our lives. He created a way to put his emotions into something somewhat tangible for the world to experience their own emotions with as well. It's amazing.

I wonder if we all have a life's purpose. I feel very on track with what I feel is mine: Creating a difference through energetic and bodywork. I feel very peaceful with that aspect of my life. It's the rest of the stuff that can get somewhat messy.

Looking back on this year, it's amazing all the changes that have occured. I experienced a huge transformation personally and witnessed it in 7 others as well. My classmates are incredible, and it will be so great to see what they do with their lives now that we are all out of school. 

I've realized I live a life of experience. I like to try new things and see what fits and what doesn't. If something doesn't fit for long term, it eventually falls away. I find this happening in my life with all the "New Age" stuff I was so into starting a few years ago. It's being replaced with my own intuition from myself and within, my experiences, my passions and my belief that God is everywhere. It's in you, in me, in the tree and the mountain. If the Universe was made by a few molecules colliding, then wouldn't it make sense that everything is connected not only scientifically but energetically? Nobody knows, but it's becoming less and less important.

I think the best "religion" that I can create for myself is being present. That's what fits right now. Whether listening to someone or writing or whatever I'm doing, if I'm fully present, it's pretty amazing to experience. I get up usually looking forward to the day and what is in store. When something is authentic, it creates a lot of space for wonderful possibilites. 

I'm always learning and experiencing: finding what works and what doesn't. And what works today may not always work tomorrow. What I do know is that when I meet eyes with someone and I get this interesting feeling of, "Who is this person?" I pay attention. Ken doesn't believe in God. I believe everything is God. It doesn't matter. We have this connection and we are important to each other. I so get the beauty in learning from each other. I can see that dynamic in so many of my relationships. 525,600 minutes. How did you measure your year?

Super Whiny Face Today

I think I've come to a point of integration. Maybe integration isn't the right word. Maybe I'll come across the right word sooner or later.

When do you draw the line of laughing it all off or taking something seriously? If you are upset, and you hurt, should you just laugh about it? But when you can look at it later and it's funny, then why were you so serious in the first place?

Humans are weird. We all are just weird and have our quirks and our learned behaviors and we are always changing and fitting in and then not fitting in and everything is in this big continuous flow.  What's interesting is to recognize our patterns; rather our ways of being that once served us in some way, but are now hazardous to our future and our present.

The easiest example is love. Everyone has been hurt in love. It's just a rite of passage. Some have been hurt more than others. When your sister takes off with your husband, that's going to sting a little more than your high school sweetheart leaving for college. My point is, we learn a behavior that we associate with love, because of the strong emotions attached, even if we don't realize consciously we are doing it. 

So, the learned behavior is "Love hurts me." We protect ourselves. When someone new comes along and we think we are healed and can begin again, we run away. Or can't open up. Because love hurts. But we are basing our present on our past. And there is nothing you can do to change that except to heal it for yourself. It doesn't matter if you date one or one hundred people, if that is still there that "love hurts" it's going to keep hurting you, and you will keep attracting that idea in. 

If you start to heal these things and behaviors, you start to transform. You will attract new people into your life, and guess what? Love can be amazing. But it won't be amazing until you feel for yourself that you are amazing. Easy example right?

Complications. Patterns can be learned very early on. I have an issue with not being able to say how I feel. It doesn't necessarily matter how or when it started...because blame doesn't do anything. I've done a lot of healing around that issue, and my relationship with my mother, but I've still got this hurt and scared part of me that gets so upset and defensive when I'm teased or challenged in a way that I don't know how to respond to. Most of the time, it's fine....I have a great sense of humor and can give it right back. But when you really care about someone and what they think, it can hurt. But it really  has nothing to do with this person now, it's from the past. Because I've learned that "Every time you speak what you feel, you're going to get hurt" I get frustrated and upset when I'm trying to express something and it comes out all wrong. 

I know where it stems from and it's very deep and from very early in life. In fact, I can almost pinpoint the exact year it started happening. So my question is this...does it really matter? Should I just give it up and laugh about it? I've been working so much on it, but the feelings are there and they are real. So how can you back up from it and still stay present? It's just like the love example...Love Hurts....so I'm backing out of it. 

It's interesting. Humans. We say so much that we want connection with others, but we do so much to isolate ourselves. I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who moved out east. She started dating a guy there and found the relationship to be emotionally lacking. He says that "Out there, we don't talk about anything real." Maybe I'm unique and she's unique, but I doubt that when it comes to talking about something of substance. This kind of stuff makes people suffer. It's what keeps us from accomplishing our goals and dreams or even from setting them in the first place. All because from something in your past that has nothing to do with the present moment. Some would call it insanity, but in fact, it's part of everyone's life.

It takes a lot to admit that I have issues with speaking and anger. I guess I'm glad that I have people I can express these things to and most often, not be judged. I've come a long way. I feel like I'm very close to getting under the last layer of this. One thing I know for a fact: I'm never going to scream at my children to shut up, hit them, or threaten them. I know I will never scare them into doing things so everything is based on fear, nor will I be so financially out of control that my children don't get to participate in a lot of things. I also have forgiven. But I have learned. 

I think it's time to laugh it off and have some fun. On a much better note...after two years of searching, I finally found orange sparkly pillows for my couch. VICTORY!

A Never Ending Fairytale

I met a dragon who showed me a mirror. My reflection stunned me-who had I become? Dazzling illusions of superficial energetics emerged, cords deeper than I could have imagined.

The dragon calmed my soul with his curious eyes, but my reflection back was too much for this time around. Saturated with my own tears of self-denial, we were frozen in time. Paralyzed. A free fall of trust would need to be present. It wasn't so. 

I next met a mermaid who swam in my pain. Sea-green eyes of love and trust buried behind years of self-denied intuition. A perfect reflection on this karmic journey. A contracted relationship of insight and self awareness. She rides away on seahorses and I glide around on dragonflies. We understand. 

I opened up what I had locked away so very tightly. I opened my heart to myself, breaking down my self imposed prisons of mirrors and chains. I step into uncertainty with a smile, very familiar with it's burn. 

I gaze at the moon in wonder and feel my wholeness. I reflect on the journey thus far-thanking the dragon for his arrival. He's my best teacher. He probably doesn' t know I feel this way. He will now. It's from the ash that the pheonix will rise.

I see my actions clearly-as I have been chosen to be the mirror for a new character, Mr. Uncertain.  I see through his facade of this reflection of himself. It's a way that I had previously known myself-that's why it's so easy to see. 

It's a sickening compassion and I see him clearly-but he doesn't see me. He sees and believes in my illusion-that somehow I will make him complete. I will somehow validate his existence and pain. He's about to embark on his greatest voyage over the roughest waters he has known-his own heart. How very unsafe and scary it feels to find the doors to your own heart. But until you do, how can you possibly know what you have to share with another, if you don't know your own?

One last look at the moon assures me he will find his way. Seven years of friendship may be lost, but change is always happening. 

I stand in my own now. I stand in my heart and in my center. I bathe in the light of clear uncertainty of the path ahead. Nothing matters. My own breath is felt. I live and I wait for the eyes that match mine-knowing the moment of seeing them for the very first time is soon to come. It is not important anymore. Nothing really is. 

The daisies on my balcony have closed for rest for the night. I too shall fall away into slumber. I'll embrace my dragon, swim with my mermaid, and dance with Mr. Uncertain. They are all reflections of myself, all parts of me too, all beings to be loved. 

One. Simple. Trust. Sleep-it's time to wake up. Time's up. 

Opening My Heart

This whole year, this whole lesson, this whole thing with going to school at Tibia has been about opening my heart. Opening to myself and to others. Realizing how I had been completely shut off before. It's still opening, and it feels physically painful as each layer is offering up to the sun for transformation and return.

The other night, I realized something. A conversation triggered something deep inside of me: I want someone to want me and enjoy me for me. In the past, I would chase someone, I would ponder about unavailable men, creating a fantasy world in my head that was safe, but completely unrealistic. If someone was available and wanted me, I would freak out and run. No more. When the right person comes along and I'm feeling it, I'll be ready this time around. I'm looking forward to it. I deserve more than what I've let myself have.

As the tears came down, they were quite bittersweet. Part of me longed for a "re-do" in past relationships, part of me realized they were part of the lesson. I felt open, but vulnerable. It's good to feel that way sometimes. It allows growth and space for new things to drop in.

Opening my heart to myself has allowed me to feel and to be present. It's allowed me to renew myself in every moment, and to allow whatever happens to just happen. The pain has been worth it.

Happiness

Today I woke up super early and headed to the farmer's market on the capitol square for this week's groceries. It's so nice to get there early, because it is barely busy. This morning was beautiful: sunshine, fresh flowers and produce everywhere. I always make a lap first to scope out the best deals. After an hour, my bag was loaded up with organic strawberries, kale, rainbow chard, radishes, green onions, sugar snap peas and of course, fresh iris and peonies for the table. Everything was organic and sustainable and less than $20.

I grabbed a scone and a fresh squeezed orange juice and sat down for breakfast. I chose to sit across from the prettiest flower booth and took in the atmosphere. The sound of random musicians and smells of lilies ensnared my senses. Ahhhh, this was heaven. I forgot how much I loved doing this.

It was a pretty mild day at school. We finished up our last day of science. Hooray! I had mixed feelings this afternoon as we all organized our notes to prepare for our comprehensive exam next weekend. School is almost over. Mind-blowing. My eyes were drawn to the window and I saw the participants of the Foundation Workshop doing the "being with" exercise by the trees. There she was, Ms. Michaela herself, grounded and holding space for everyone. My mind drifted back to when I was in Foundation Workshop almost a year ago, and how that was the beginning of the biggest shift in my entire life. Memories of meeting Mal for the first time and singing with Jessie. How a year can change so much.... and now another dear friend of mine is experiencing the magic of what Tibia is for the first time. I watched her golden hair blow in the breeze and thought, really? Can life get any better right now?

It can. We were done early today, so I spend the rest of the afternoon with the new love in my life, Lucy. My family just got her yesterday. I picked her out. It's so interesting now that I'm trained in Intuitive Guidance to energetically track a dog for your family. I knew her instantly and my mom was set on another dog. Lucy won. I knew she would. We have an interesting bond. When I look at her, I feel so much love. I spent the whole afternoon being present with her and how wonderful it was just to lay on the floor and play with her, take a nap with her and run around outside with her. I am just in love with her. I love the connection we have. We are totally in sync.

I picked up my friend from Tibia and came home. I decided to deep condition my hair and finish reading the novel I'm working on. Then it hit me: I'm really happy. I'm very content. There wasn't any anxiety, chaos or any sign of anything extraordinary today. It was an everyday, normal and WONDERFUL day. I couldn't help but wonder, is it that I've changed, or is everything around me changing? And in an instant, I realized that when you change yourself, the world around you changes.

I find myself torn about my next move. Part of me wants to get out of the chaos of the city, but part of me just loves it. Energetically, I know where I live isn't ideal, but somehow it suits me. I went to Prairie du Sac with a few friends of mine last week. The river was beautiful and I found myself considering living somewhere similar. That's not something I would have even considered a year ago.

When stuff comes up, it comes up. I've found myself feeling like I don't belong lately. I experienced it last Thursday at Wilson's, experienced it in class on Friday. I know it's all in my head, and it's just my reaction to a mis-perception, but I'm aware of it. I know what to do about it now, whenever something comes up. My system knows. Even when I'm so stirred up about something, I know I can either take action and speak my truth, or I can simmer and it will calm down and clear out when it's ready.

I feel ready for what's next. It took a long time of healing after being so stressed and out of my body after major upheavals. I don't miss musical theater, my job or being sick one bit. In fact, looking back, it all kind of seems like it was a big joke. I mean, did I really get so sick and stressed out over a theater production? Did I really talk to over 100 rude and arrogant jerks everyday about something as stupid as their refrigerators having fingerprints? I did. It seems foreign to me now. I can't take the next job just to be doing something. That's what happened with Subzero. I refuse to put myself in that position again. I have to have faith that I can handle what is next, and all I know, is that it's gonna be a shoooker. In a really good way.

Eye Contact

Have you ever met eyes with someone and you knew that life was never going to be the same? That was my Saturday night.

I haven't had this awesome of an energetic connection with someone since meeting my "myspace" friend at Wilson's over a year ago. This connection wasn't one of curiosity and intensity though. It was one of peace and understanding.

We were all sitting in a circle on my friend's deck. My friend was begging me to tell him about myself, stating that I was one of the coolest people she knows. He said, "She's not about that, she's a pisces. She is humble." Wow. The truth is, usually I feel like I need to fill the space with words with people, but with him, I didn't. I just wanted to sit there and surrender to this vivid inner peace that was filling my system.

I said, "I'm just really glad to have met you. I feel like I don't need to say anything." He nodded in understanding. His girlfriend too. He is madly in love with her, and it is so beautiful. It's the kind of connection that I want with someone. He said "It took me a long time to work through all of my stuff to be able to accept and receive the kind of love I wanted." BAM! There are guys out there like him. There are guys that will understand working through your own "stuff" and self awareness.

I felt like I've probably been his lover in 30 past lives. The karma was finished. Totally complete. He was there as a reminder. We talked about how we meet people, and how relationships fall away as things change. He told me you meet people at the right time. I met him at the perfect time. All the anxiety flew away. It just wasn't present. I felt no need to decide anything. All I knew, was that for the first time, it felt perfectly acceptable for me to be patient and wait and not settle for what is in front of me because it didn't feel right. All he had to do was be himself and show up. And that energetically created the space for me to be myself.

It was a beautiful spring evening, full of love, laughter and healing. His eyes were so intense, so amazing, so full of love. I have been floored by what he opened up in me. I have no idea if he'll even be a friend in this life. It doesn't really feel like he needs to be. It's just that I was so happy and so at peace to be reminded of what love really looks like. I witnessed it between the two of them and between all of us as a group.

We just got each other. He knew it. I knew it. And now I can move on in such peace. Transformation can be so amazing.

Freeing the Power to Heal

Written by a previous student at Tibia: it might help provoke a better understanding of CAPW and Tibia and what I do and write about. I believe in freeing the power to heal, and I do it for myself and in turn, provides the space to others.

Freeing the Power to Heal By Jennifer Kalafut

Freeing the Power to Heal By Jennifer Kalafut

(How) can one person heal the world? Healing, says Michaela Torcaso, owner of Transformational Intuitive Bodywork in Action (TIBIA Massage School)and Creating A Peaceful World, can be defined as the process of reconnecting with one's wholeness. As such, healing concerns more than one's physical body; rather, it concerns one's whole being, including the emotional, spiritual, energetic, and mental realms. Michaela also emphasizes that healing is generated from within; while it might be supported by others, such as doctors, bodyworkers, psychologists, etc., it ultimately occurs when one takes responsibility for how he or she shows up in the world. Healing can look many ways.

Some Sundays ago, I was receiving an in-class massage at TIBIA. Immediately, I settled into a meditative calm, but as the massage continued, feelings of anxiety surfaced. Then, tears streamed to my hairline as, in my mind's eye, I witnessed and re-experienced a childhood trauma of which I haven't thought in years. Lying there, I thought the thoughts, felt the emotions, and cried the tears of the seven-year-old girl I once was. She was in a door-closed, lights-off room, listening to what sounded like a woman being hurt in an adjacent room. She felt anxious and voiceless, as though she wanted to run or scream for help. Yet, acting on either of these urges seemed unsafe to her. So, she sat on the floor and imagined horrid sights to match the horrid sounds that permeated through the wall. Paralyzed by the fear of being seen or heard, it seemed a matter of survival for my younger self to stay quiet and still. I arose from that massage a lighter person. With the support of the student practitioner and class facilitator, I was able to explore the situation simultaneously as child and adult. The grown-up part of me found help for that seemingly helpless seven year old, and I was able to make peace with all involved, including myself.

How did a massage induce such a powerful effect? Michaela explains, "When there's someone that's standing there with us…holding the space for us to remember our wholeness, we then have full access to heal." "Holding space," to put it simply, is a function of presence. When a bodyworker—or anyone, really—intentionally sets his or her ego aside and opens to the full experience of this moment, a safe space for others to open themselves to the fullness of their own experience is generated. Healing can then occur because experiencing a past trauma again, in a safe space, releases its hold on the present moment. The more one heals the past, the fewer limitations and restrictions that exist in present.

The more I heal myself and overcome my self-imposed limitations, the more presently I can attend to each moment as it occurs; and, the more I can show up wholly in the present, the more that space of wholeness extends out and invites others to heal. Overcoming my fear of being seen or heard, for example, allows me to write this article, which I hope serves as an invitation for you, dear reader, to explore your limitations and heal to your wholeness.


Michaela's vision is to create a peaceful world; she believes that as more people live fulfilled, easeful lives, even more people will be exposed to the possibility that their lives, too, can be fulfilled and rid of dis-ease. For her, ultimately, freeing the power to heal oneself gives access to freeing the power to heal the world. bodyworker—or anyone, really—intentionally sets his or her ego aside and opens to the full experience of this moment, a safe space for others to open themselves to the fullness of their own experience is generated. Healing can then occur because experiencing a past trauma again, in a safe space, releases its hold on the present moment. The more one heals the past, the fewer limitations and restrictions that exist in present.

www.capw.org

Choking On My Own Inadequacy

I can tell graduation is coming up in three months. I've had such extreme joy and sorrow in this past week, and now I sit here choking on my own inadequacy.

It's my own story of course, nobody's but mine. Nothing in particular really triggered it. I was driving home, and it was like an overwhelming emotional tidal wave took over and brought this up. It's probably my biggest pattern, always resurfacing.

Sometimes I feel like all this introspection is such a joke. I mean, I like the bullshit as much as the rest of them. I'd probably live a somewhat content life just being totally on the surface and joking around and being light hearted. In fact, that would be incredible. I have lots of moments like that, and it's great. But then this crap surfaces. It's hard not to judge myself, but why can't I just get over it? I know it needs attention, and I'm giving it attention. It's so uncomfortable as I practice tonglen and breathe in and out.

I was meeting with my favorite professor tonight and I know she cares about me so much and see so much in me. I think the world of her, I think she's wonderful. It makes me feel inadequate to be around her, not deserving of her time. It's so ridiculous. This pattern holds me back from so much.

I've been fighting feelings for a friend for awhile now. I'm not even sure what they are, if they are real or not. It feels unfair to say anything to him until I'm certain. It has been making me so uncomfortable, the more amazing and beautiful he tells me I am. I know he loves me for who I am, but it's triggering every inadequacy I have. It's really hard to deal with it. I find myself pushing him away and not wanting to be around him. How fucked up is that?

Going through all my stuff in my storage unit brought back so much. I re-read letters from years ago. Some friend friends who have since died, some from friends who have moved on, some from lovers where it didn't work out. Each letter either told me I was the best friend they've ever had or been the most in love with. And re-reading and remembering this, I didn't feel that way about myself. I've always known who I've wanted to be, I don't get why it's taking so long.

I'm pretty happy for most of life. I really am. I thought about all the relationships in my life, past and present and what I want the future ones to be like. I found it so interesting how with certain people, there have never been a conflict. Like with two of my gay friends. When I became friends with them, they weren't out of the closet yet, but we've always had this deep, beautiful and fun loving relationship, where there is never conflict. Then I think of other friendships and relationships and saw how these people brought out the very best and the very worst in me, whether they knew it or not. Those have been the more difficult relationships, but also the most rewarding. I'm still friends with most of those people today.

I'm thankful for the energetic support of Tibia. I can't imagine doing this work 100% on my own without support.

So here I am, still choking, but breathing. I hate that because of this prison my mind has put myself in, it's keeping me from so much. Keeping me from letting an amazing man love me, from being fully expressed, and from doing the things I really want to do. I've never really spoken or written of this before because it's been so buried. But I've done a ton of work peeling off the layers this year. So much work. So much hard, hard, painful, honest time with myself. It's been so worth it.

I want to put this out there, because it's ready to clear. It's so ready to clear. I know by utilizing this space, it will energetically support this clearing in my system. I'm so glad I understand how this metaphysical stuff works. That's one thing that's pretty cool.

I seriously have to wonder sometimes when you are honest enough with yourself to do this kind of work, how you date. I mean really. It's going to take somebody really really special to understand and support this. The guy that does will be the one that will win my heart. It's not like it's like this all the time, in fact it's not often at all. But when it comes up, it's shooker. Hmmm.... so much swimming around in my head right now. A moment of peace is what I crave.

A lesson in love

Today was an interesting day for me. For those of you who don't know, I'm in school for massage therapy and have class every weekend. I go to a school that stands for personal transformation. I usually don't write these types of blogs on facebook, but it seems I'm supposed to share this.

I had surgery earlier this week and both of my feet are broken. I use crutches to balance and get around and can only put weight on the heels of my feet.

My classmate and I were at Copp's getting a salad bar for lunch. I was trying to balance myself, my crutches, and make my salad. This guy in his probably mid forties comes up behind me. He announces to me, "You might want to pull your pants up because your underwear in showing...have some class." He walked away.

I stood there in shock...clearly, can he not see that I'm trying the best I can and wasn't aware that my pants had slipped down? My friend shouted after him, "Both of her feet are broken, what the hell?"

It bothered me and stirred me up. It reminded me of younger years in school when you are bullied and you just sit there and take it, because that's better than to keep being made fun of. The minute you stand up for yourself, the harder they tease you. It kills something in your soul, it makes you feel unworthy, unloved and useless....like you don't belong. I couldn't believe I was getting bullied by some 40 year old dumb ass at the grocery store and it was actually BOTHERING me. Stir it up, it all occurs for a greater reason....

Today was energetic alignment in school. Our teacher is intuitive and tracks the energy in the class. Most people don't understand this, and I'm ok with that. It's important and real, and everyone can see or feel it if they just look. Most people are too afraid or really just that clueless.

I was working a tandem massage today. When we were working on my first classmate, I got really emotional for no particular reason. It was just there. I felt like my heart was breaking, in a good way. I just felt all this LOVE. Energetically it felt like walls were coming down that I had put up through the years. I cried the tears because they were there, even if I didn't know why.

We switched and worked on my other classmate, the same one I went to lunch with. The instructor came over and did energy work on me while I was working on my friend. All I could feel was all this love for her. It was deeper than the surface. It was like, I have a love for his group of people because we all have this agreement together, or this soul contract, or something.

It felt so good to have a friend that would stick up for me in front of this jerk at the grocery store and just be such a great support. I'm not very mobile, so I basically did energy work on her while my classmate did massage on her. It was really beautiful. I just cried, because it was human compassion and human love. All those things that we block ourselves from because it has hurt us before, or scared us, we close our hearts to each other and ourselves.

It was my turn and when my classmate was doing energy work on my broken feet and not even touching them, they hurt so badly. Physically. Then it changed into a feeling of my feet being put back together again. Both physically and energetically. It felt like my legs were shattering and being put back together. It was amazing. The instructor came over to me and whispered, "It's like it had to be this way. Your feet. They are mirroring something in you. They had to be broken to be put back together." It's like I had to break myself to reorganize. To create something new.

And that's how we are.... Isn't it? We all are broken at some point in our lives, but somewhere along the line, we decide to be put back together. And it can show up in the most unusual ways. I really believe every person, every event and relationship comes into our lives to show us something in ourselves. Sometimes we don't like what we see. Sometimes we become people we don't like or recognize. Sometimes we have to get so far away from ourselves to make that realization.

Doing this kind of work is not easy, in fact it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

I had a lesson in love today. The love between friends. No matter how much we allow ourselves to build up these walls, run away from what scares us, and seclude ourselves in pain and then deny it, we are all one. I have a new found compassion today. Even for the jerk in the grocery store.

You might not know it, but you might be someone's reason for living. You make a difference, and you may not even know how, but you do. Choose what you say carefully, because you sometimes won't know the effect of your words.

Most importantly, love who comes into your life, they are there for a reason. To wake you up, to show you something you were missing. Sometimes it's for a life time. What we judge as good and bad, it's all part of something greater.

It reminds me of one of my favorite movies, "Love Actually....."

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion love actually is all around."~Love Actually

It's taken me a long time to get to this place. It's about time. By the way, I can walk without my crutches pretty easily now.

Love actually is all around....

Bubbling Up

I'm really starting to get sick of the nightmares...two more today during my nap. After an intense reiki session last night, I'm getting closer to my "attacker." This time, I was about to go to sleep in my dream. I laid down on the side of the bed that I normally don't lay on. I was on my side, facing my door, and I saw that something was tossing and turning next to me under the covers. I was scared, but I decided to push it off the bed. As I went into push it, this huge force wooshed back at me and I felt myself being pushed back almost like a blast or something. I woke up, with a huge breath, sitting up in bed.

The second one involved my ex boyfriend wanting to be with me again. I was with my roommate at some random bar in the combination or Madison-Whitewater land. I had a dream about this place one year ago. We went outside, there was my ex, hugging me, not letting go. I told him to get off of me because it was really uncomfortable. He kept clinging and then this insane guy came up and started screaming at Sarah, but she just kept walking ahead. We were taken to this "shady" home with all these "shady characters." There was small stage with jail bars across it. The cops came and took this insane guy up to the stage where there was a small DJ booth. He sat on stage right, then the dj booth center stage, and the cop stage left. The insane guy kept screaming and screaming these things at her. There were all these shady people walking around...a prostitute, g-funk drug addict guy, etc. The cops didn't really do anything...then I woke up.

I'm scared to go back to sleep lately. I think it's interesting that I'm getting closer to whatever it is that is "eating me up inside." This fear. Physically closer in each dream, now I'm able to touch it after the reiki session. During the reiki session I had intense past life and this life memories come up that I obviously wasn't aware of and also had buried because it was so painful. I remember him carrying my broken body in the past life. I remember what someone else did to me during this life, that I had long buried in my subconscious. Painful, awful and nasty stuff that had been sitting in my body.

I'm glad it's bubbling up. If it didn't, it would always sit there keeping me blocked in my patterns. We are starting to study Jin Shin Do in school. I love it. I love Taoism and the concepts of Chinese Medicine far more that I thought I would. Qi Gong has been interesting because through instruction, I have found that my Qi is really out of whack. I have too much yang, too much heat...and it also manifests in these hot, intesense, feverish flashes that my doctor was concerned about. It's hard to differentiate what is physical, what is emotional...not that it really matters...it's all one in the same.

My feelings are bubbling up. It's so unreal to me that I'm even having these feelings. I've been friends with this person since high school, and I'm just NOW realizing it's more than that? Seriously? I wonder if they are real and really about him, or they are just about my desire to have someone really "get me." He's the closest I have to that right now. Perhaps that's it. I just wonder, as humans, how much we push below the surface, in order not to see? Perhaps the things we think that are so important...that person, that job, that "thing," that whatever it is, is really just covering up what needs to be dealt with below. Does it ever stop?

I'm clear now about what this lifetime is for me. I've wanted that answer for so long and I got it in the reiki session. Well, at least I got the answer of why I do the things I do, and the patterns that have run my life. I just hope the doctors find something from these tests and the nightmares stop. I know they won't, until this stuff is cleared through. I wonder if all this pain and suffering will be worth it, in the end?

Stop. Drop. And Roll?

I've come to a standstill in the battle against myself. Well, my ego self really. I'm sick. I'm really sick, and it's forcing me to slowwww wayyyyy down. I'm not a slow it down girl. I'm a go go go get em tiger growlll girl. With all this going on in my body, I can't help but wonder, did I cause this?

It's so interesting what stress can do to your body. It manifests itself in so many different ways. I haven't felt "myself" in so long, but really, that's probably a good thing. That means things are shifting, things are evolving and changing.

Life keeps surprising me. It seems that each situation we find ourselves in, it's giving us exactly what we need: an opportunity. It's an opportunity to really learn and grow and heal...get past those patterns we always do. I could move across the country, and I'd still have the same issues...they will follow you until you heal from them:physically, mentally, and emotionally. I find myself in these same patterns, just change the name of the players. It's quite ridiculous. This time, my body is FORCING me to slow it down. I have no choice. I'm so very tired. It's depressing, it hurts and my god does it give me perspective. I don't get the opportunity this time to busy myself to keep myself from dealing with me and what keeps surfacing. Nope, the body says no...I wonder, if I caused it. I know I have to go into the fire to release the pain. It's really not that bad, in fact I keep learning new things about me that I forgot about. It's pretty magical, but it has its setbacks.

Here's to nature's way of manifesting what I needed to do about ten years ago. Be still.

In my Inbox today

When you are impatient, you are trying to take control. Controlling is not the same as leading. Leaders lead by inspiration. Bossing people is like changing an artist's painting. It is like going to the museum with a brush and paint box and changing a painting that you would prefer to be another way. You want to make it different from it is. You want to change the artist's perception to your own. Paint your own paintings. Make them the way you want. You may find that you too fall short of your vision. Why is it so important that things be the way you like?

When you are impatient, you take too much upon yourself. When you try to control, you try to take over. When you try to control, you are showing your displeasure. Reap pleasure instead.
Learn acceptance, beloveds. That does not mean to be passive. It just means not to try to rule. Well, rule yourself, beloveds, if you must, but not others.
You are not in charge of the universe. Certainly you influence it. The universe is a product of your thought, yet, still, you are not to foster impatience with it. When you play in the orchestra, you play in the orchestra. You do not get up, shove the conductor out of the way, and wave the baton. You wouldn't do that. That would be too impertinent, and yet you would whip the universe and your environs into shape. You would censor the words from your friends' mouths. You would supervise everything within reach. Who appointed you supervisor of the world?
Do not even supervise yourself, beloveds, for then you are your own pain in the neck. Supervising, second-guessing, and all those other faultfinding habits are not the same as living life. Living life is spontaneous. Faultfinding comes from long practice. Will you now live life as a novice? You really are not an expert in life. No one is. You agree that no one knows everything. Why do you sometimes think you do? Who appointed you? Who told you to mind everyone else's business? Who proclaimed you the expert in even one thing let alone everything?
Try taking a back seat. You are not the driver of every car. Let's face it, beloveds, you are a passenger in life. Sometimes you may be the driver of the bus. Most of the time, you just go along for the ride. This is the ride of your life that you are on. You do not take the food off someone else's plate. You do not hand-feed anyone. Everyone has to be left to his or her own devices. Hands off your self-elected directorship. Hands off interference. That's what control is - interference. It is not for you to interfere in anyone's life. You may think you are taking responsibility, yet your responsibility is to let go. Beloveds, you cannot have your finger in every pie.

When you are impatient, when you feel you have to take over, take a deep breath instead. Tension makes you haughty. Let go of your tension, and you will be more amenable to life.
Seek simplicity rather than control. Seek ease rather than impatience. Choose the servants who best serve you. Send control and impatience out the door. They have been great restraints on you. They have blocked your path. You got caught up in them, and so you tripped yourself.
You don't need control, and you don't have it. Let's be realistic, dear ones. You have thought you were a very practical person, and yet a need to control and its accompanying impatience are quite impractical. They haven't worked yet, have they?

In the Flow

As the ever mounting pressure that I create for myself shattered, I realized that I am finally in the flow. I feel free, I feel alive and I feel peace.

Sometimes I create these extreme situations for myself, such as committing all my free time to a musical when I have work and school. I physically and emotionally wore myself out. It wasn't worth it at all. I realized what my limits were and I know now what I can and cannot do.

Lately, life has really just been flowing and events have been very serendipitous. I don't feel like I'm fighting against myself not to feel, or fighting against what the Universe wants for me.

As I was studying for my Anatomy final this Friday, I had a moment of awe. I felt connected and at peace, thinking to myself that this is what I'm meant to do. I love learning and humanism and the Consciousness and everything about the body and soul. I have a natural gift and brain for this work and putting pieces of the puzzle together. It just works. One belief could never cover it all. I'm not struggling, I'm not emotionally distraught, it just is. It's so awesome.

I'm buzzing with peace and love and enjoyment for life. It is so great to be in this space. I know that with good comes bad, but I've realized I'm very capable of just feeling and allowing, and those spaces of distraught evaporate very quickly when you are centered and allowing and surrendering. It's good stuff.

Here Comes The Shoooooook Monster

At school, we have this expression called "shoooook." It's a long story, but basically has to do with people have stuck energy or muscle spasms and their body will jerk. We make light of it, because, well, it's funny and intense all at once. So whenever something is coming up or is intense, we'll say, "It's a shoooooker."

My shoulders are shooooking. I mean, they are freaking hardcore shoooking. This has been occurring pretty much since the start of school, and energetically has been unraveling as I work through my junk. It parallels physically and emotionally what is happening in my life. Last week, I felt a twisted column of something that was "stuck" let go from my root to my throat. I could literally feel it unravel. I guess I was ready to experience the feelings that I had buried behind it. It's so interesting what our bodies do to "protect" us from something we don't want to experience because our minds think it's too painful. But this is what keeps us stuck in patterns and what drives us emotionally to attract certain things into our lives.

Now I'm twisted left to right. My shoulders keep spasming. The muscles will spasm and I also can feel, when it starts to unwind, my shoulder will jerk the other way to prevent that from happening. It's like my body is holding me prisoner or something. What is interesting to me, is that I'm breaking out all over my shoulders, which has never happened in my life either. I must not be ready for this part yet, but it's pretty annoying having a shoooooking shoulder. I guess I just have to be patient with myself.

I had an intense series of dreams last night. The first started with going out to dinner with co workers, but I didn't end up going and stayed at my "house" with Lance. It was the house that my grandparents used to live in, and then my family lived in. Since my grandpa died, I have had so many dreams that take place there. I feel like it's a "meeting place" or something of that sort, because I've never had dreams that take place there before he died. Anyway, Lance and I were watching a movie lying on a mattress on the floor. Then my mom came in and took the mattress away, ruining the movie. I went to find something to eat and couldn't find anything vegetarian in the fridge. Then suddenly this random lady called on the phone, screaming at me that she needed my garage door opener because it was her home. I told her over and over it was my home and she wasn't getting the opener from me. She told me she was going to call the manufacturer and get the code to open it and that I better watch out.

I was invited to a baby shower for Marty Saybrook, who is a fictional soap opera character. I went back to Brooklyn, WI where I spend most of my early childhood to get her a present. I was riding a scooter. It was one of those scooters where you pedal with one foot and ride it for awhile, then pedal again, not a motorized one. I realized it was getting late and I needed to get back to Oregon. It's about an 8 mile trek on country roads. I looked at the invite and the party started at 8:00 and my cell phone said it was already 8:02. I realized I wouldn't be able to make it, and it was dark and I was getting scared. I was riding the scooter in the dark in the country and a guy passed me on his bike. I got prepared for the worst and was scared he'd hurt me. He just passed me and said he needed to get some air. I continued on my way and another guy wearing an orange shirt was jogging. I again got ready for an attack. He jogged past me and I kept going. I was then grabbed from behind and the man took the scooter and beat me with it. Just as he was ready to make the final blow to my head to kill me, I woke up. I tried to scream in the dream, but no sound came out.

I sat up straight in bed. It was one of those fearful moments where you don't know if it really happened. But I was alive and breathing. I sat there terrified, wishing somebody was with me. It hit me then that all this stuff, all this nightmarish stuff that's been occuring is mine, and mine alone to deal with. It's no coincidence that the people and things that I've taken the most comfort in are not in my life right now. It's so interesting because this is all happening for a big reason. It's part of the transformation, for me and probably for him too. It sucks, but it is what it is. I have to do this on my own.

I can't even believe the recent events and especially Dan coming back in to my life. But it's happening for a reason, and I know a big part of it is to help heal all these things that make me attract what I do into my life. It's scary and is sucks, but it's so necessary. It's all part of this bigger picture that we don't get to know. I hate the unknown, but I have to surrender to it.

I'm appreciative for having these things triggered so they can heal. It would be impossible to have compassion for mankind unless you've experienced suffering yourself. People have been dealing with these feelings for all time. In time, out of time. It's just a little speck in the greatness and unity that we all are. I'm so committed to my ego, I can't wait to break free. It's a process and we meet so many along the way on our path. If the paths cross again, when things are healed, what a blessing that is. We can't fix anything for anyone but ourselves. I wish the lesson I needed to learn wasn't so damn dramatic, but it's calming down, and I'm alright.

So is everyone's 28th birthday this dramatic?

Tonight I went to my friend Tara's for a healing session that was incredible. It validated everything that is going on inside and outside of me right now and helped me find ways to heal. What is so interesting is that she mentioned that I'm entering "Saturn Returns" which is the return of Saturn into your birth chart. I'm not really one for astrology other than for pure entertainment, but it did seem quite coincidental.




For most of us, ending a phase of life that is familiar and embarking on one that is new and untried is unsettling, even painful. Few people describe Saturn Return as a pleasant period. While undergoing your Saturn Return you may find yourself turning inward and reflecting on your individual destiny. You examine your true needs and desires and the role you want to play on the world's stage. You may feel lonely and alienated from those around you, while family and friends think you are shutting them out. But this is a necessary period of consolidation, when you must retreat from the distractions of the outer world and focus on you.


http://newage-directory.com/saturn.htmlrself at your most fundamental level. The Saturn Return is every individual's search for the Holy Grail.



Saturn comes back around to show you everything
Let's you choose what you will not see and then
Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again
Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.
Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or
Drags you down like a stone to
consume you till you choose to let this go.
Choose to let this go.
Give away the stone. Let the oceans take and transmutate this cold and fated anchor.
Give away the stone. Let the waters kiss and transmutate these leaden grudges into gold.
Let go


.......and I'm choosing to let go. I want me back. I want my magic back that I've given away to everyone until I have nothing left. I can't fix anyone but me. I can't heal anyone but me. I'm not responsible for anyone's heart but mine. I'm taking responsibility. I'm not hiding out in school or plays or excuses anymore. Now, everything changes, but it needed to fall apart. Trust.

What the hell just happened?

I've learned that life is completely unpredictable. I've learned the people you want to accept you the most will hurt you the most. I've learned that you can never count on anything. Nothing.

Two people who were so important to me are gone from my life right now. I told her I didn't want to be in her wedding. I told him to leave me alone. I wonder if I cut people out too much. I wonder if I can accept things as they are without considering my own feelings.

In a matter of one week, my life has been turned upside down more than I ever thought possible. I thought for a moment that I might just want it to all be over. But then I felt it, and it relieved the pain a bit. It's been a whirlwind these past few months. I feel the transition is necessary. I guess things will be forced out of your life if they aren't supposed to be there, no matter how much you want them to be. No matter how much you have done to make them fit. It shouldn't be that difficult.

I became reacquainted with my ex boyfriend today. Out of nowhere, he contacts me. They always know...how do they always know? The timing is very interesting. BAM! Why is this happening? I wonder what this experience will have to teach me. I guess you never know when people will come back, that things will have a chance for resolution, forgiveness and peace. I'm very excited to have peace with this. Maybe this peace will create and extend it further for others in the future.

My life lately has forced me to find out what I'm made of...and it's really good stuff. I've found comfort and compassion in the strangest places. You can't control what others will say or do or feel. You just have to accept, and move on when necessary.

I've found peace in my center. I know I am strong and I know new people will come into my life, and I can't control who leaves it, or what situations occur to promote action either way. It's just.....why him? Out of anybody, why? Why did he turn into his character offstage too? He was the one that I loved the most. I guess that's why this happened. I felt the cord snap, I felt peace and loss all at once. Maybe the next life we'll get it right. Maybe that's what needs to be cleared away...all the past life junk. Seperate. Alone. I remember seeing him for the first time, and now we can't even look at each other. Without the skin, Beneath the storm, Under these tears
The walls came down. It's alright. I don't mind.

This too, shall pass. It's only a speck. Just a tiny speck that feels like a bullet. It's killing me, but I will heal.

I know I did this show for a reason, I just didn't think the lesson would be this difficult. Fixing the Ego Patterns of Victim and Helper...the two the have ingrained themselves into my Being so beautifully I almost believed they were me. But I'm catching on to this game. I'm observing and finding that life brings you exactly what you need in every moment to heal what is holding you back.

A really good day

Last night I came home from rehearsal and had flowers waiting for me from a good friend of mine. He dropped them off, one bouquet for me, one for Sarah. He is so sweet. He told us we deserved to wake up to flowers. She does, but sometimes I wonder if I do. It gave me hope.

Today at work, I was really surprised by another flower delivery. These came from another friend of mine. I felt overwhelmed, and I felt loved. It made me want to do good things for other people. It made me so happy to know someone cared about me. Sometimes people just really need to be reminded that they are thought about. Sometimes we just get so caught up in our own world.

So I go from being totally crabby over VD, to feeling appreciation for the amazing friends I have in my life. I have these guys to thank.

I wondered why I felt so different. Nothing had really changed about me. I was still the same girl. But now I really mattered, and it troubles me that I didn't necessarily think I did before. I hate that this keeps coming up, but it's a reminder to sit with it.

Looking at my flowers today made work so much nicer. I felt shiny and new.

I ordered dinner for myself tonight and watched Grey's Anatomy. It was a perfect end to the day. Doing something I enjoy and taking care of myself. So many people tell me they just don't get why I don't have a boyfriend, but I get it. It's because I have more sitting to do, more time with me, more meditation to do. That way, by healing these things that trigger so much when somebody shows me they care can be put behind me, and I will have an open heart. And if it comes up before this is accomplished, I know I will choose someone that will understand and have compassion for this part of me, and I will understand and have compassion for any parts of him.

Time to listen to my meditation cd. I'm going back to the start. I hope these guys know how much I love them. Even when I don't know what to say. Even when I'm in my dark parts that I'm working through, they are still there. I'll be there for them too. That's what this whole love things is. It's loving people the best you know how, even when you are broken and working to be whole again. I've learned today that people will love you the best they know how, and it doesn't matter what that looks like. It's authentic and it's beautiful.

The Master Cleanse-Day 7

Today started out alright, but now, really sucks.

I'm really angry. I feel a ton of anger coming up that I know I've buried and it's uncomfortable. I'm so angry at myself. I'm angry for not being where I want to be, doing what I want to do, loving who I want to love, so many things. I wonder what it will take for my soul to finally just realize that life is occuring NOW!!! I know the work I'm doing is so amazing and great for myself, I'm just waiting for my physical body to catch up and it's full of frustrations for me.

I want to live in joy and harmony, but I know that its not always constant. I think once I accept that, it will be much better for me. I have so much to be grateful for, and I wonder...why am I not really living my life the way I would love to? A way that would leave me filled with joy, hope and wonder and awe? Because what else is there?

I'm so excited to almost be done. I've been googling amazing recipes all day for some culinary inspiration. I will eat the most amazing vegetable soup ever created on Sunday and I can't wait!!!

Breakthrough

I’m not entirely sure why I’m not just keeping this in my private journal, but I feel the need for this space, and I’m going to use it. I had a really moving experience tonight at Intuitive Guidance class. We had to practice ‘holding space for someone and not say anything and just be present for 15 minutes. The basic concept is that the person holding a space creates a safe environment for the receiver.

When it was my turn to receive, I was just open and able to allow it to flow through. I know I have a difficult time receiving in many areas of my life, and it’s certainly something I’ve been working on. I didn’t have any expectations or agendas and just was present to whatever came up.

I was very surprised when I started to hear “Thank You For Loving Me” play in my head. My initial reaction was “no way-this is old news and so done” but I started to feel really unsettled-like it was still so unresolved and it needed to be completed. I don’t know if I was empathing part of what Dan feels, but I felt guilt and a sense of failure. I felt guilty for being childish for how I acted in the end and with him since our relationship ended. He just went so ‘crazy’ and so out of control and I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I felt failure because I couldn’t save him from himself. I’ve since learned that there isn’t anything I can do or give to someone to do that, but that was a hard lesson.

The truth is hard to admit and it still feels extremely uncomfortable being right in my face, forcing me to look at it. You can’t just bury something and not talk about it and expect it to just disappear. There I was, with this woman I barely know with all the emotional vomit just coming up and up and up. Then I felt something metaphysical grab the back of my hair and pull my head up since I was looking down. It kept pulling until my eyes reached a point high on the shelf where I was looking at Chelsea’s wedding picture. I felt my filters coming in; I wasn’t quite sure what it meant. My head could not move. Having something metaphysical touch me is still a new experience for me-so it was pretty bizarre. There have only been a few times where I’ve felt almost like paralysis because I was supposed to stay somewhere, even if my ego resisted it. My head stayed and my eyes locked into that picture until I got it. What came to me was I thought by now I would have that in my life-and I needed to be present with the fact t that it just hasn’t happened and its ok. I needed to accept the fact that I really did love him, despite who he was-it didn’t’ matter-I really loved him.

I realize this needs completion if I want to really let any other man in. It’s strange-I always have attracted emotionally unavailable men into my life since that relationship ended. Now I know why-I’m not emotionally available either. That really clicked in tonight and it is so uncomfortable.

I thank God for this year. I’ve learned so much. It’s like Life 101 on meth. All the connections I’ve made-while amazing-they aren’t unique or special. I felt that same connection with a stranger tonight. It was because she was holding that space for me to receive I was able to get in touch with myself-and anybody can do that for anybody. It’s quite amazing what possibilities that opens up.

It amazes me that I’m in a position right not that I couldn’t even date if I wanted to. I work full time and go to school full time and have clients for energetic work. I have created no space in my life for it and I know it’s because this emotional vomit needs to be cleared out so I can live from my authentic self and attract the relationship into my life that will be right for me and be a space for others. Imagine if we could all speak from our authentic selves-who we really are at the core-that’s where I want to live from. Now I have to allow this completion to come about. I’m grateful I’m fully supported. I’m so happy I’m at Tibia and so happy to have so many awesome supportive people in my life that I can be a support for as well. I’m still boggled about the connections…maybe there are some people we just choose to keep going through lifetimes with because we just ‘get’ each other. Maybe it’s because we decide we need to experience and learn certain things and we are ‘requested’ to trigger things for another. I have no idea. What I do know is that it still amazes me…while not unique, it certainly feels like being home and being safe. I really like that. I like it a lot.