Opening My Heart

This whole year, this whole lesson, this whole thing with going to school at Tibia has been about opening my heart. Opening to myself and to others. Realizing how I had been completely shut off before. It's still opening, and it feels physically painful as each layer is offering up to the sun for transformation and return.

The other night, I realized something. A conversation triggered something deep inside of me: I want someone to want me and enjoy me for me. In the past, I would chase someone, I would ponder about unavailable men, creating a fantasy world in my head that was safe, but completely unrealistic. If someone was available and wanted me, I would freak out and run. No more. When the right person comes along and I'm feeling it, I'll be ready this time around. I'm looking forward to it. I deserve more than what I've let myself have.

As the tears came down, they were quite bittersweet. Part of me longed for a "re-do" in past relationships, part of me realized they were part of the lesson. I felt open, but vulnerable. It's good to feel that way sometimes. It allows growth and space for new things to drop in.

Opening my heart to myself has allowed me to feel and to be present. It's allowed me to renew myself in every moment, and to allow whatever happens to just happen. The pain has been worth it.