Bubbling Up

I'm really starting to get sick of the nightmares...two more today during my nap. After an intense reiki session last night, I'm getting closer to my "attacker." This time, I was about to go to sleep in my dream. I laid down on the side of the bed that I normally don't lay on. I was on my side, facing my door, and I saw that something was tossing and turning next to me under the covers. I was scared, but I decided to push it off the bed. As I went into push it, this huge force wooshed back at me and I felt myself being pushed back almost like a blast or something. I woke up, with a huge breath, sitting up in bed.

The second one involved my ex boyfriend wanting to be with me again. I was with my roommate at some random bar in the combination or Madison-Whitewater land. I had a dream about this place one year ago. We went outside, there was my ex, hugging me, not letting go. I told him to get off of me because it was really uncomfortable. He kept clinging and then this insane guy came up and started screaming at Sarah, but she just kept walking ahead. We were taken to this "shady" home with all these "shady characters." There was small stage with jail bars across it. The cops came and took this insane guy up to the stage where there was a small DJ booth. He sat on stage right, then the dj booth center stage, and the cop stage left. The insane guy kept screaming and screaming these things at her. There were all these shady people walking around...a prostitute, g-funk drug addict guy, etc. The cops didn't really do anything...then I woke up.

I'm scared to go back to sleep lately. I think it's interesting that I'm getting closer to whatever it is that is "eating me up inside." This fear. Physically closer in each dream, now I'm able to touch it after the reiki session. During the reiki session I had intense past life and this life memories come up that I obviously wasn't aware of and also had buried because it was so painful. I remember him carrying my broken body in the past life. I remember what someone else did to me during this life, that I had long buried in my subconscious. Painful, awful and nasty stuff that had been sitting in my body.

I'm glad it's bubbling up. If it didn't, it would always sit there keeping me blocked in my patterns. We are starting to study Jin Shin Do in school. I love it. I love Taoism and the concepts of Chinese Medicine far more that I thought I would. Qi Gong has been interesting because through instruction, I have found that my Qi is really out of whack. I have too much yang, too much heat...and it also manifests in these hot, intesense, feverish flashes that my doctor was concerned about. It's hard to differentiate what is physical, what is emotional...not that it really matters...it's all one in the same.

My feelings are bubbling up. It's so unreal to me that I'm even having these feelings. I've been friends with this person since high school, and I'm just NOW realizing it's more than that? Seriously? I wonder if they are real and really about him, or they are just about my desire to have someone really "get me." He's the closest I have to that right now. Perhaps that's it. I just wonder, as humans, how much we push below the surface, in order not to see? Perhaps the things we think that are so important...that person, that job, that "thing," that whatever it is, is really just covering up what needs to be dealt with below. Does it ever stop?

I'm clear now about what this lifetime is for me. I've wanted that answer for so long and I got it in the reiki session. Well, at least I got the answer of why I do the things I do, and the patterns that have run my life. I just hope the doctors find something from these tests and the nightmares stop. I know they won't, until this stuff is cleared through. I wonder if all this pain and suffering will be worth it, in the end?

Dreams to Dream, In the Dark of the Night

Last night I had a dream. I found myself in a desert called, "Cyberland." Ok, just kidding.

Last night I had a dream. I was all alone in the old home that we lived in on Orchard Dr in Oregon. My grandparents lived on the same street as my family did, at the end of the road. I was in bed, and my intution told me to deadbolt the door. I walked to the front door and as I locked it, the lock turned the other way: somebody was breaking in.

I held my breath and let the door swing open, hoping they wouldn't close it and I could hide behind the door. The robbers ran down the hallway where I would have been sleeping. I slipped out the front door and ran barefoot all the way to my grandparent's house where my whole family was staying. It was the middle of the night, but my dad was still up. I kept ringing the doorbell over and over. He answered the door and calmed me down and we called 911 and then I woke up, drenched in sweat, and scared.

I just want all this stuff to pass quickly. This year has been something else.

My Vacation...From Stacy's view

I'm too lazy and sick right now to write my own blog...so I just copied and pasted Stacy's:

it's been a while since i've written a dbq, so here goes...this is my second day back to work after a whirlwind tour of northern california with j. we took our "annual" vacation to visit maryanne, only she moved from warm sunny west palm beach to warm sunny sometimes rocklin, california. i'm up for any adventure involving vacation and my friends though! i needed vacation. i hate my job so any excuse to get away, mentally or physically, is GREAT! and i love planning. so plan i did for this little weekend.

wednesday morning we left for our getaway. matt and lauren took j and i to the airport...lol, j and i were trying to manifest some first class tickets, but the second we saw the crabby "i hate my job" guy at the desk, we didn't even ask...we knew better! oh well, who needs first class for a 4.5 hour flight from chicago to sacramento?! our first flight was pretty uneventful, minus the wind delays in chicago, but it was only 15 minutes. that's nothing in o'hare time! we had lunch at chilis in the airport, complete with chicken for my glutten free vegetarian friend jessica. oh did she struggle to find stuff to eat, she even had to resort to chicken! POOOR jessica. anywho. so we looked and looked for justin (timberlake) or patrick (dempsey) but we couldn't find them for the life of us. we decided to make it a goal of ours to find these two hot men. we even got some pepsi to lure justin to us. more on that to follow.

we got to sacramento uneventfully...minus the bathroom trip on the airplane. we were in the last row (we think these are skinnier than the other rows, avoid if possible) and both had to use the bathroom. so the guy on the aisle moved so we could get out. ok, no problem. then on the way back into our seats, i stepped onto j's seat since the floor was covered with all of our carry-on stuff, an d the floatation device seat slipped off...then i did the same to my own seat! ahhh...drama. my fav. so we fixed our seats and that was the end of that. maryanne met us at the airport and we put the top down on the convertible...for about 2 minutes! then it was too windy for j in the back seat so we put the top back up. it was so nice outside. we went to eat garlic bread hamburgers (and baked potato for veggie girl) and then we went to the awesome yogurt shop where you make your own mixture...fun! I didn't get much yogurt though...because maryanne had ordered a snickers cake she had been eyeing up for us for about, oh six months! it was delish.

we headed out to their complex hot tub and it was the best. seriously. it was like all the stress just melted away. i love hot tubs. thursday was lake tahoe day. i had an agenda and a schedule to help us do everything we wanted to do, minus snack time...j needs lots of snacks! maryanne sent us off with a great breakfast and prenatal vitamins for everyone. oh, did i mention jack the jack russell terrier fell in love with j, who hates him? good times. so we headed off towards truckee california and the dragonfly restaurant. you could see the mountains in the horizon and it wasn't too scary driving, and then we stopped for a justin calling with some pepsi. he didn't answer, but i thought maybe he was in europe or something, so we tried to be patient. we stopped at a beautiful lookout point along the way and the view was breathtaking. i love the mountains. it was so peaceful. seriously wonderful. truckee and the dragonfly restaurant were so comfortable, like an old friend. i found my sister the perfect present and then we were off to squaw valley...mission...to visit the 'life is good' store there.

squaw valley was the host to th e 1960's olympics and it too was beautiful. the mountains were SO steep and the skiers must be crazy! i would be so scared. but i imagine they feel so in tune with nature and themselves. so...the life is good store was CLOSED! can you believe it? it's like it was meant to be and then SLAM...just kidding. closed the day before and the day of our visit. that was the saddest moment of the trip. literally. we did a little retail therapy to cheer ourselves up. then, the schedule called for 'the most beautiful drive in america'...along the eastern side of lake tahoe...and j needed another snack. it was amazing. the view and experience, not the snack! amazing seems like an understatement, but i can't even find words to describe the beauty of the mountains and this pure lake and the trees. it was like the best day up north and adding the mountains and pureness. we got to south lake tahoe and heavenly village just on time to ride the gondola ride 9300 feet up the mountainside for a truly fantastic view. scary shoooker, that ride was! the gondola was swaying in the wind, just swaying in the wind...what a scary feeling to be swaying in the wind...singing this song and calling justin with our pepsi didn't detract us from our fear! all in all, it was worth the fear and the $28 for that 12 minute ride up the mountain...and then longer on the way back down!

we stopped at the lakeside for some fun times writing messages to our loved ones in the sand, tested the water (freezing) and let the paparazzi follow us around. there was snow on the beach...isn't that weird jess?! then...it was time for emerald bay, the seventh most photographed place. we drove up the western side of lake tahoe to get there. SCARY! the roads are skinny and just carved in the mountain...no guardrails, no nothing to keep you from falling off t he road. and the curves were intense...10 mph 169 degree curves. then we saw a sign for 2 miles to vista point. ok, i can handle this, i thought to myself. i was so focused on my driving, i didn't notice we passed it until after we passed an "avalanche risk ahead, no stopping, peds, parking." great. i turned the corner and there was just a massive wall of granite staring back at me. super intense. never before have i felt so intense! i made it about 1.5 miles down this crazy stretch of mario kart rainbow world style driving. you know the one i'm talking about, where the little cloud man has to pick you up and return you to the road because you fell off? yeah. so i turned around in this little cove and that's when j told me she thought she saw the vista point before we got onto the crazy avalanche road! ahhh...turns out we could have avoided the whole thing. but then what would i have lea rned?! we had some dinner at chevy's fresh mex and then it was dark, just in time for the 2 hour drive back to rocklin. over echo summit. fabulous. so we head home...down, down, down the mountain. i can't even count the number of vehicles i pulled over to let pass me. it was scary. then we were on low gas. did you know it's a bad idea to drive down a mountain with less than 1/4 tank of gas? it is. i was freaking out, on the inside anyway...but then we got to silver fork gas station with bars on it and chains for just $39.95, so we got some gas for a bargain price of...$3.95/gallon. not too bad...gas was only $3.74 in rocklin. so we descended our 7300 feet down echo summit and yay! we survived the mountain roads!

friday we went to look for some life is good paraphenalia in some random sporting goods stores. j found a water bottle. exciting, i know. all that excitement...for a water bottle?! we went to the roseville mall (saw the brighton store, the brand of purse i won!) and patrick dempsey! well...it was an advertisement, but lifesize, so i got my picture taken with him and he is hot, i know. i had the best lunch ever...pesto pasta and a grilled chicken ceasar panini...the best. and the guy at the counter liked my coach purse. good thing i brought my real one. :) then we laid out and got tan for a while...i jumped into the freezing water for paparazzi's sake and some kids jumped the fence to smoke by the pool. hoodlums i tell you. we met maryanne at her school to check it out, they had outdoor hallways, that was pretty cool. then we went to old sacramento, had some seafood (well, not preggo maryanne) and got ready for san francisco on saturday.

we had another fabulous cheesy egg breakfast...and we drove through the hills for a couple of hours. isn't it weird how the animals are hanging out on the hills?! we went over the golden gate bridge and went to fort point...a GREAT place for pictures! yay! then we took a wrong turn...and went over the golden gate bridge...and then over it again! don't forget that's $5 each time you enter the city through the golden gate bridge! it was so windy and cold! we went to the crookedest street at lombard and something...leavenworth maybe? maryanne was such a good sport to drive us down it. Then we parked! we went to bubba gumps shrimp for lunch. expensive.

then we went to pier 39 to see the sea lions hanging out and stinking up the place. we saw tommy lee promoting lightbulbs and just generally being "green" for earth day. i'm crazy so i made us a path right behind him during an interview...maybe we'll be on tv. maybe not! we got some matching pink fleeces and alactraz swim team knit hats. yes, it was THAT cold! we hung out for a while, then went to the pier for our tickets. oh..lol. did i forget to mention that we bought our tickets ahead of time? and you could either print them or get them at the window. well, i printed mine and maryanne's and j said she'd pick hers up at the window. i forgot our tickets! lol. and i gave her such a hard time about responsibility and she should have printed the ticket. i didn't live that one down!

alacatraz was pretty cool. the cells were so small. there is so much history there. i can imagine the prisoners pretty much hated it. the rules were so strict too. there really wasn't much shooooking either, unless you could me shoooking the people away from the no drinking sign when j was trying to call justin with her pepsi. he really is stubborn. so we decided to nix the cable car ride; a, because it was getting late, and b, it was freaking cold and w indy! so i got dropped off at ghiradelli square to pick up some presents and that was the end of our san francisco experience. we stopped to eat dinner on the way back to maryannes, packed and the end, it was 4am and time to go to the airport for home already!

talk about whirlwind vacations. maryanne was such a sport for being 34 weeks preggo. i can't imagine. and jack is probably in withdrawal from j. but at the end of the day, i'm happy we got to spend some time with maryanne, and i hope this annual trip carries on for a while. who knows where we'll end up next? maybe oregon to visit j at school. maybe back to northern cali...there's still some stuff left to do there! i just love vacation. i like having something to look forward to and plan on. and j lets me do all my planning and loves it too! i missed my little family though. i'm basically in the same spot in life as i was a year ag o, only i'm planning all of these life changes, like moving my life, you know, no biggie. j...well, she's not in the same spot and i'm glad for her, so much growing for her in one year! it's nice that no matter what is going on in our lives and what we are experiencing, we can still share this.

Shooker Sunday

This past weekend we had a workshop on myofascial trigger point release. It reignited my passion for myofascial release and educated me about what a trigger point is and what it is not. The instructor is one of the most highly trained myofascial therapists in Wisconsin and California. She is wonderful-so helpful, compassionate, smart and well educated.

The weekend started with learning and reviewing myofascial techniques to loosen and remove restrictions and adhesions in the connective tissue. This can be life-altering for people as their body gets out of its "straight jacket" and finds freedom. It's incredible what kinds of damage and problems this can cause, both physically and emotionally.

I've always believed in a physical/emotional connection in the human body, but I haven't experienced it as intensely as I did this weekend. I had two unwindings: this is what happens when the subconscious takes over all allows the tissue to go back to previous memory to heal. Everyone truly has the power to heal themselves, sometimes it just takes a compassionate therapist who can hold the space to allow it.

In the past, I haven't felt comfortable enough to release emotions when they come up on the table. There have been a few times when I really trusted the person I was with, but it's difficult to be vulnerable and to let it out, but that's only how true healing occurs. It's up to the client to allow it, it can never be forced, but it can be guided. As we revisited myofascial, I've realized all the things that I was doing wrong in the past, and now I am much more clear in making sure I hold each barrier for 3-5 minutes or longer for a true release. I'm so happy we had this weekend, it came at the perfect time to inspire me in this work.

The second unwinding was very powerful for me, and proved to me this whole "physical/emotional" connection. My classmate was working on a cross hand release on my traps and this is an area that has always been extremely tender on my body. She was doing some deep trigger point work and asking me how I felt. I told her I felt nothing, like it was almost numb. She kept checking in with me, because she was so deep into the tissue, but I barely felt a thing. She said it was so hot and that she was sweating. I still felt nothing as the energy that had been stored in there for so long was releasing.

The instructor came over for some coaching. She asked how I felt. I told her it felt numb. She then asked me the money question, "How does it feel for you to be so disconnected from this area of your body that you feel numb?" I allowed myself to move my awareness to that part of my body. Immediately my stomach starting shooking, just spasming and curling inward. The instructor put her hand underneath me, to the exact spot I've been having abdominal pain in the past few weeks. My body just took over and I curled my legs underneath me and my hands went out and I felt all this energy surging and releasing through my system and the sobs just came out. I had no control. I didn't know what it was about, I didn't need to know. Somewhere in time, my body froze in that position. It could have been physical or emotional or who knows, a past life, but my body remembered the trauma. As I thawed, I felt myself become lighter and freer and my body didn't feel so heavy.

I found in incredibly fascinating that she put her had in that spot on my abdomen. To me, that pain for the past few weeks was showing up for a reason, it was ready. I wasn't ready before, this weekend was the perfect timing to let that out and let it go. We didn't have time for a complete release, so the instructor advised me to do unwinding at home on my own. I was in the bathtub and my stomach started doing that lurching action again. After my bath, I laid on my bed and had the same reaction, I found myself curled into a fetal position, with my arms and head wanting to move in different positions. I fell asleep, had an intense dream and woke up two hours later. I was exhausted. Today I feel better, my traps hurt a lot and I know it's because the fascia is bound up on my pecs, pulling it backwards. I need to work on that for myself, loosening myself out of my straight jacket a bit more.

The body will subconsciously "protect" itself and it's holding patterns. It takes patience, compassion and love for one's self to let those brakes come off and heal yourself.
Isn't the human body amazing? I just find myself becoming more and more passionate about it as I do this work, for myself and when others are on my table. It is truly healing in it's purest form. We all have the power to heal ourselves. It's the most beautiful thing in the world.

Today was a good day!

Hooray for feeling better. After months of feeling so out of it, (and probably longer if I think about it) I'm feeling more energized and "with it."

We have myofasical release and myofascial trigger point all weekend. I'm so excited about it. It's my favorite part of massage and I've been looking forward to learning about hands on trigger point therapy since we started school.

I learned a fun fact today about my protracted scapulas. It appears they are being caused by a weak serratus anterior. Time for wall push ups!

It's a big time of change, change for the better. Everyone is just doing their "thing." That's how it should be. Good stuff.

Stop. Drop. And Roll?

I've come to a standstill in the battle against myself. Well, my ego self really. I'm sick. I'm really sick, and it's forcing me to slowwww wayyyyy down. I'm not a slow it down girl. I'm a go go go get em tiger growlll girl. With all this going on in my body, I can't help but wonder, did I cause this?

It's so interesting what stress can do to your body. It manifests itself in so many different ways. I haven't felt "myself" in so long, but really, that's probably a good thing. That means things are shifting, things are evolving and changing.

Life keeps surprising me. It seems that each situation we find ourselves in, it's giving us exactly what we need: an opportunity. It's an opportunity to really learn and grow and heal...get past those patterns we always do. I could move across the country, and I'd still have the same issues...they will follow you until you heal from them:physically, mentally, and emotionally. I find myself in these same patterns, just change the name of the players. It's quite ridiculous. This time, my body is FORCING me to slow it down. I have no choice. I'm so very tired. It's depressing, it hurts and my god does it give me perspective. I don't get the opportunity this time to busy myself to keep myself from dealing with me and what keeps surfacing. Nope, the body says no...I wonder, if I caused it. I know I have to go into the fire to release the pain. It's really not that bad, in fact I keep learning new things about me that I forgot about. It's pretty magical, but it has its setbacks.

Here's to nature's way of manifesting what I needed to do about ten years ago. Be still.

Maybe

Maybe sometimes the lesson is that we need to get so far removed from the core of who we are to really know where to go and when to stop pushing ourselves.

I just never thought my first ultrasound would be with no baby inside of me.

Is my job killing me?

I've been wondering this thought for the past week. I've been having some interesting health issues for about three weeks now, and finally after some coaxing for a friend, I'm going to the doctor. The catch is-I can't go until next Friday because my job won't let me. "Too much time out of the office" is what they tell us, as if customer's not knowing how to roast a turkey is more important.

I have to make all my appointments before work, which is pretty hard to do when you work at 8:30 am. I probably roll my eyes about 200 times a day and whisper to myself "I just can't fucking do this anymore," at least that many as well. When I'm out the door, I'm great. I'm happy, social, and free.

I know I'm already more than halfway done with school, which is so exciting, but can I really do this for five more months? Do I really hate myself this much to subject myself to this everyday? Am I really doing a disservice to myself and society because this is not what I'm meant to do or talented at? Am I really that financially stuck by deciding to grow up too fast when I was 23 and bought property? The answer must be yes, because I'm still there, hating it.

My nervous system is shot. When you are on edge and miserable for that long of a time, with little exercise all day, it puts your system physically and energetically into a new state. My sympathetic nervous system is on overdrive so much that I can't even digest anything properly anymore. I'm chronically fatigued because I wear myself out to exhaustion. Why? I have no idea.

It's pretty disturbing that you hope you have to have surgery and you are really sick as to not have to go back to work for awhile. I need out. How am I going to do this? There has to be a way for me to survive and make as much money somewhere else or get this condo sold in a dead market without losing $20,000. MAN! Lorelai Gilmore could get herself out of this situation. There has to be hope.

My job is slowly killing me. I've watched myself go from a fun loving, energetic, smarty, witty and sarcastic gal a year ago to someone I don't recognize from 8:30-5 and sometimes even before and after that because of the state I'm in. I've still got the sarcasm, but it's turned from funny to harsh. What is the world is going on? Why in the world do I want this for myself? What is keeping me from something else? That's where I must look, and that's usually the most painful.

Those who don't go within, go without. I'm very tired of going without my soul. I kinda need it back please.