Here Comes The Shoooooook Monster

At school, we have this expression called "shoooook." It's a long story, but basically has to do with people have stuck energy or muscle spasms and their body will jerk. We make light of it, because, well, it's funny and intense all at once. So whenever something is coming up or is intense, we'll say, "It's a shoooooker."

My shoulders are shooooking. I mean, they are freaking hardcore shoooking. This has been occurring pretty much since the start of school, and energetically has been unraveling as I work through my junk. It parallels physically and emotionally what is happening in my life. Last week, I felt a twisted column of something that was "stuck" let go from my root to my throat. I could literally feel it unravel. I guess I was ready to experience the feelings that I had buried behind it. It's so interesting what our bodies do to "protect" us from something we don't want to experience because our minds think it's too painful. But this is what keeps us stuck in patterns and what drives us emotionally to attract certain things into our lives.

Now I'm twisted left to right. My shoulders keep spasming. The muscles will spasm and I also can feel, when it starts to unwind, my shoulder will jerk the other way to prevent that from happening. It's like my body is holding me prisoner or something. What is interesting to me, is that I'm breaking out all over my shoulders, which has never happened in my life either. I must not be ready for this part yet, but it's pretty annoying having a shoooooking shoulder. I guess I just have to be patient with myself.

I had an intense series of dreams last night. The first started with going out to dinner with co workers, but I didn't end up going and stayed at my "house" with Lance. It was the house that my grandparents used to live in, and then my family lived in. Since my grandpa died, I have had so many dreams that take place there. I feel like it's a "meeting place" or something of that sort, because I've never had dreams that take place there before he died. Anyway, Lance and I were watching a movie lying on a mattress on the floor. Then my mom came in and took the mattress away, ruining the movie. I went to find something to eat and couldn't find anything vegetarian in the fridge. Then suddenly this random lady called on the phone, screaming at me that she needed my garage door opener because it was her home. I told her over and over it was my home and she wasn't getting the opener from me. She told me she was going to call the manufacturer and get the code to open it and that I better watch out.

I was invited to a baby shower for Marty Saybrook, who is a fictional soap opera character. I went back to Brooklyn, WI where I spend most of my early childhood to get her a present. I was riding a scooter. It was one of those scooters where you pedal with one foot and ride it for awhile, then pedal again, not a motorized one. I realized it was getting late and I needed to get back to Oregon. It's about an 8 mile trek on country roads. I looked at the invite and the party started at 8:00 and my cell phone said it was already 8:02. I realized I wouldn't be able to make it, and it was dark and I was getting scared. I was riding the scooter in the dark in the country and a guy passed me on his bike. I got prepared for the worst and was scared he'd hurt me. He just passed me and said he needed to get some air. I continued on my way and another guy wearing an orange shirt was jogging. I again got ready for an attack. He jogged past me and I kept going. I was then grabbed from behind and the man took the scooter and beat me with it. Just as he was ready to make the final blow to my head to kill me, I woke up. I tried to scream in the dream, but no sound came out.

I sat up straight in bed. It was one of those fearful moments where you don't know if it really happened. But I was alive and breathing. I sat there terrified, wishing somebody was with me. It hit me then that all this stuff, all this nightmarish stuff that's been occuring is mine, and mine alone to deal with. It's no coincidence that the people and things that I've taken the most comfort in are not in my life right now. It's so interesting because this is all happening for a big reason. It's part of the transformation, for me and probably for him too. It sucks, but it is what it is. I have to do this on my own.

I can't even believe the recent events and especially Dan coming back in to my life. But it's happening for a reason, and I know a big part of it is to help heal all these things that make me attract what I do into my life. It's scary and is sucks, but it's so necessary. It's all part of this bigger picture that we don't get to know. I hate the unknown, but I have to surrender to it.

I'm appreciative for having these things triggered so they can heal. It would be impossible to have compassion for mankind unless you've experienced suffering yourself. People have been dealing with these feelings for all time. In time, out of time. It's just a little speck in the greatness and unity that we all are. I'm so committed to my ego, I can't wait to break free. It's a process and we meet so many along the way on our path. If the paths cross again, when things are healed, what a blessing that is. We can't fix anything for anyone but ourselves. I wish the lesson I needed to learn wasn't so damn dramatic, but it's calming down, and I'm alright.