I’m not entirely sure why I’m not just keeping this in my private journal, but I feel the need for this space, and I’m going to use it. I had a really moving experience tonight at Intuitive Guidance class. We had to practice ‘holding space for someone and not say anything and just be present for 15 minutes. The basic concept is that the person holding a space creates a safe environment for the receiver.
When it was my turn to receive, I was just open and able to allow it to flow through. I know I have a difficult time receiving in many areas of my life, and it’s certainly something I’ve been working on. I didn’t have any expectations or agendas and just was present to whatever came up.
I was very surprised when I started to hear “Thank You For Loving Me” play in my head. My initial reaction was “no way-this is old news and so done” but I started to feel really unsettled-like it was still so unresolved and it needed to be completed. I don’t know if I was empathing part of what Dan feels, but I felt guilt and a sense of failure. I felt guilty for being childish for how I acted in the end and with him since our relationship ended. He just went so ‘crazy’ and so out of control and I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I felt failure because I couldn’t save him from himself. I’ve since learned that there isn’t anything I can do or give to someone to do that, but that was a hard lesson.
The truth is hard to admit and it still feels extremely uncomfortable being right in my face, forcing me to look at it. You can’t just bury something and not talk about it and expect it to just disappear. There I was, with this woman I barely know with all the emotional vomit just coming up and up and up. Then I felt something metaphysical grab the back of my hair and pull my head up since I was looking down. It kept pulling until my eyes reached a point high on the shelf where I was looking at Chelsea’s wedding picture. I felt my filters coming in; I wasn’t quite sure what it meant. My head could not move. Having something metaphysical touch me is still a new experience for me-so it was pretty bizarre. There have only been a few times where I’ve felt almost like paralysis because I was supposed to stay somewhere, even if my ego resisted it. My head stayed and my eyes locked into that picture until I got it. What came to me was I thought by now I would have that in my life-and I needed to be present with the fact t that it just hasn’t happened and its ok. I needed to accept the fact that I really did love him, despite who he was-it didn’t’ matter-I really loved him.
I realize this needs completion if I want to really let any other man in. It’s strange-I always have attracted emotionally unavailable men into my life since that relationship ended. Now I know why-I’m not emotionally available either. That really clicked in tonight and it is so uncomfortable.
I thank God for this year. I’ve learned so much. It’s like Life 101 on meth. All the connections I’ve made-while amazing-they aren’t unique or special. I felt that same connection with a stranger tonight. It was because she was holding that space for me to receive I was able to get in touch with myself-and anybody can do that for anybody. It’s quite amazing what possibilities that opens up.
It amazes me that I’m in a position right not that I couldn’t even date if I wanted to. I work full time and go to school full time and have clients for energetic work. I have created no space in my life for it and I know it’s because this emotional vomit needs to be cleared out so I can live from my authentic self and attract the relationship into my life that will be right for me and be a space for others. Imagine if we could all speak from our authentic selves-who we really are at the core-that’s where I want to live from. Now I have to allow this completion to come about. I’m grateful I’m fully supported. I’m so happy I’m at Tibia and so happy to have so many awesome supportive people in my life that I can be a support for as well. I’m still boggled about the connections…maybe there are some people we just choose to keep going through lifetimes with because we just ‘get’ each other. Maybe it’s because we decide we need to experience and learn certain things and we are ‘requested’ to trigger things for another. I have no idea. What I do know is that it still amazes me…while not unique, it certainly feels like being home and being safe. I really like that. I like it a lot.
Showing posts with label Personal Growth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal Growth. Show all posts
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
I thought this was great...
When the old is shed, room for newness arrives. When birds molt, they are bared for a while. Space is being cleared for new feathers to grow.
If birds were like you, they would flutter around and say: "Oh, dear, something must be the matter. My feathers are falling out." But birds don't go frantic with worry. They don't make anything of molting at all. And soon enough, new plumage comes.
Right now, you are shedding remnants of your old self. This is another way of saying that you are shedding ignorance. You are losing hold of all your familiar boundaries. The boundaries were all a mistake, and yet so familiar are they, you feel bereft without them, for now what are you supposed to hold onto? You are supposed to be adrift, beloveds.
You thought a rope of the past held you safe. The boundaries lent a certain comfort. You might have protested them, yet you were used to curling up against them. Now the ropes are gone. They were only props anyway.
You still reach for the walls, and your fingers don't find the walls to help you identify where you are. It feels to you that, without the walls, you are lost. It is not comfortable to be in what you see as limbo.
Having lost your boundaries, beloveds, you are like the birds who have lost their feathers. The difference is that birds know they don't need their old feathers. You don't need your boundaries whatsoever. You just need to get used to being without them. The sides of your crib are now down, and you can get down, and you can explore. Boundary-less, you are free. You have wanted freedom, and now that it has come, it takes some getting used to. You have been let out of a cage. "My cage, my lovely cage," you lament.
There are no longer any "supposed to's" in life. Life is richer, fuller, vaster, and yet it may seem more nebulous to you, even empty. You may feel weak rather than strong. You have lost your balance. You crave the street signs that are no longer visible. Somehow you felt stronger with them. That's illusion for you.
You may even feel hollow now, unable to even pinch yourself to know you are there. This sense of hollowness, even of fragility, are signs of your expanding. You may feel desolate. You may feel disconnected. You are disconnecting, beloveds, from your past. You are being disconnected from narrowness. And so you feel off-keel.
It is almost as if you feel your body disappearing. Borderless, you feel groundless. You feel the very ground disappearing beneath you. You feel as though you are in some kind of vortex.
All this wonderful stuff is happening for you, and you worry about it! "What is happening to me?" you ask. You feel suspended in space. Beloveds, you were always suspended in space. You, who are spaceless, are suspended in space. The ground under you never did exist.
The little red hen was in a tizzy, and she exclaimed that the sky was falling. And you, you think something is amiss because your sense of little self is shedding itself and you are emerging into your Greater Self. It was inevitable. It had to happen. You are not falling. That which defines you is falling off. You never needed definition anyway. There is no outline to you any longer.
You are beginning to sense yourself as light. Chakras become real to you. You feel your core of Being as a flame. All your illusion is going up in smoke.
If birds were like you, they would flutter around and say: "Oh, dear, something must be the matter. My feathers are falling out." But birds don't go frantic with worry. They don't make anything of molting at all. And soon enough, new plumage comes.
Right now, you are shedding remnants of your old self. This is another way of saying that you are shedding ignorance. You are losing hold of all your familiar boundaries. The boundaries were all a mistake, and yet so familiar are they, you feel bereft without them, for now what are you supposed to hold onto? You are supposed to be adrift, beloveds.
You thought a rope of the past held you safe. The boundaries lent a certain comfort. You might have protested them, yet you were used to curling up against them. Now the ropes are gone. They were only props anyway.
You still reach for the walls, and your fingers don't find the walls to help you identify where you are. It feels to you that, without the walls, you are lost. It is not comfortable to be in what you see as limbo.
Having lost your boundaries, beloveds, you are like the birds who have lost their feathers. The difference is that birds know they don't need their old feathers. You don't need your boundaries whatsoever. You just need to get used to being without them. The sides of your crib are now down, and you can get down, and you can explore. Boundary-less, you are free. You have wanted freedom, and now that it has come, it takes some getting used to. You have been let out of a cage. "My cage, my lovely cage," you lament.
There are no longer any "supposed to's" in life. Life is richer, fuller, vaster, and yet it may seem more nebulous to you, even empty. You may feel weak rather than strong. You have lost your balance. You crave the street signs that are no longer visible. Somehow you felt stronger with them. That's illusion for you.
You may even feel hollow now, unable to even pinch yourself to know you are there. This sense of hollowness, even of fragility, are signs of your expanding. You may feel desolate. You may feel disconnected. You are disconnecting, beloveds, from your past. You are being disconnected from narrowness. And so you feel off-keel.
It is almost as if you feel your body disappearing. Borderless, you feel groundless. You feel the very ground disappearing beneath you. You feel as though you are in some kind of vortex.
All this wonderful stuff is happening for you, and you worry about it! "What is happening to me?" you ask. You feel suspended in space. Beloveds, you were always suspended in space. You, who are spaceless, are suspended in space. The ground under you never did exist.
The little red hen was in a tizzy, and she exclaimed that the sky was falling. And you, you think something is amiss because your sense of little self is shedding itself and you are emerging into your Greater Self. It was inevitable. It had to happen. You are not falling. That which defines you is falling off. You never needed definition anyway. There is no outline to you any longer.
You are beginning to sense yourself as light. Chakras become real to you. You feel your core of Being as a flame. All your illusion is going up in smoke.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Balance
I find my soul's mission right now is to learn to re-establish balance in my life again. Balance between being a socialite and a hermit, balance between self and friendship, balance all around.
It's been difficult for me to just "be." I get bored easily, but I've heard being bored is because you are a boring person. Great.
I've come to find by taking care of myself better, I've been able to be there for other's needs more and enjoy my time with my friends much more. It's been nice getting sleep (Thanks melatonin) and catching up on reading and meditating and discovering or awakening the parts of myself I have shut down. There are many parts I had forgotten about and I want those parts back.
I have no idea what my life is preparing me for right now. I just feel more centered and aware of what needs attention, what needs work, now the trick is finding out how to do this. I feel right now is about beautiful friendships that help me grow spiritually and in my self awareness and empathy. It's also about taking the time to figure out what I want in a romantic partner and what I deserve and what I clearly don't. I like this. It's nice to just "be," to be free and know that letting go and being open to change is all I need to do.
It's been difficult for me to just "be." I get bored easily, but I've heard being bored is because you are a boring person. Great.
I've come to find by taking care of myself better, I've been able to be there for other's needs more and enjoy my time with my friends much more. It's been nice getting sleep (Thanks melatonin) and catching up on reading and meditating and discovering or awakening the parts of myself I have shut down. There are many parts I had forgotten about and I want those parts back.
I have no idea what my life is preparing me for right now. I just feel more centered and aware of what needs attention, what needs work, now the trick is finding out how to do this. I feel right now is about beautiful friendships that help me grow spiritually and in my self awareness and empathy. It's also about taking the time to figure out what I want in a romantic partner and what I deserve and what I clearly don't. I like this. It's nice to just "be," to be free and know that letting go and being open to change is all I need to do.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
From Heaven's Letters
Beautiful soul, all you can be is a beautiful soul. There is nothing else you can be. You will know this when you are no longer attached to all the trappings of the world. When you put the trappings aside, that's when you will come out of the cocoon of your own making, the tangled web you have woven of yourself. When all the extraneous paraphernalia is gone, what can be left but your soul resplendent in all its beauty? The soul of you has meaning and never wears out. This is the true you. Anything else is just sleight of hand, a façade, a dissemblance. No matter how skilled in the world you are, this is true. This is true no matter how unskilled in the world you are as well.
You believed that the world was everything, and that you were nothing, a drop in the bucket, a dime a dozen, simply a laborer tolerated on Earth, often not seen, not acknowledged, not considered, not of much significance really, so you thought.
And, yet, through it all, you are most significant to Me, and now I ask you to be significant to yourself. Don't believe what the world tells you because the world does not know your worth. The world has kidnapped your belief in yourself and hidden it somewhere. The world has tried to convince you that you are only the masses, and you were convinced. You didn't give up your soul, but you gave up on its importance. You began to feel that your soul and its worth were the fairy tale instead of the world. Of course, you and the world have it all backward.
Life in the world is valuable, as valuable as you, and yet the world has not been valuing itself either. A world that values itself would not have wars. It would not have frenzy of any kind. The world has neither valued itself, so how could it value you?
Now I exhort you to value yourself and the shining gold that you are made of. Don't believe the mirrors you look into. Do not believe in the indictments of the world. Believe in Me, beloveds, and believe in you.Let's believe, and let's not pretend.
That which you call reality, or the hard facts of life, are the pretense. Isn't it strange that you hide yourself from the greatest of Truths, and accept the shallowest of fiction? I am saying that you, a magnificent soul, were birthed from Heaven to shine your glory. You are not tinsel, beloveds. You are the real thing. Any analysis of you that is less than pure gold is mistaken. You are the bright star that shines in My heart. Why is this so hard to believe?
You believe anything anyone tells you. You believe it fervently. Yet it is not so easy for you to believe what I tell you. Believe or not, accept. Come from this vantage: You are worthy. You are most worthy. You are worth everything except the punishment and devaluation you put yourself through.
Here you are, sitting on the throne of the universe, and you think you are homeless, sleeping on a curb.
Your perception is off, beloveds. You forgot Who you were. You forgot all about it. You may even think it's absurd to think you are anything more than the physical outline of you and the accumulation of habits and false prophets.
I extol you to believe in Me, and to believe what I say, so that you may believe in yourself. Never mind other people's distorted view of you. Begin to see yourself clearly now, and you will see others the same. You are a mighty shining soul. Accept this true appraisal of yourself, and make it your own.
You believed that the world was everything, and that you were nothing, a drop in the bucket, a dime a dozen, simply a laborer tolerated on Earth, often not seen, not acknowledged, not considered, not of much significance really, so you thought.
And, yet, through it all, you are most significant to Me, and now I ask you to be significant to yourself. Don't believe what the world tells you because the world does not know your worth. The world has kidnapped your belief in yourself and hidden it somewhere. The world has tried to convince you that you are only the masses, and you were convinced. You didn't give up your soul, but you gave up on its importance. You began to feel that your soul and its worth were the fairy tale instead of the world. Of course, you and the world have it all backward.
Life in the world is valuable, as valuable as you, and yet the world has not been valuing itself either. A world that values itself would not have wars. It would not have frenzy of any kind. The world has neither valued itself, so how could it value you?
Now I exhort you to value yourself and the shining gold that you are made of. Don't believe the mirrors you look into. Do not believe in the indictments of the world. Believe in Me, beloveds, and believe in you.Let's believe, and let's not pretend.
That which you call reality, or the hard facts of life, are the pretense. Isn't it strange that you hide yourself from the greatest of Truths, and accept the shallowest of fiction? I am saying that you, a magnificent soul, were birthed from Heaven to shine your glory. You are not tinsel, beloveds. You are the real thing. Any analysis of you that is less than pure gold is mistaken. You are the bright star that shines in My heart. Why is this so hard to believe?
You believe anything anyone tells you. You believe it fervently. Yet it is not so easy for you to believe what I tell you. Believe or not, accept. Come from this vantage: You are worthy. You are most worthy. You are worth everything except the punishment and devaluation you put yourself through.
Here you are, sitting on the throne of the universe, and you think you are homeless, sleeping on a curb.
Your perception is off, beloveds. You forgot Who you were. You forgot all about it. You may even think it's absurd to think you are anything more than the physical outline of you and the accumulation of habits and false prophets.
I extol you to believe in Me, and to believe what I say, so that you may believe in yourself. Never mind other people's distorted view of you. Begin to see yourself clearly now, and you will see others the same. You are a mighty shining soul. Accept this true appraisal of yourself, and make it your own.
2007
On my drive into work this morning I was thinking about 2007 thus far. It dawned on me that this really has been a tough year, and up until this realization today, I had only chose to focus on the positives. Does this mean I live in denial? Or am I just eternally optimistic?
The year started off with a bang. On NYE a friend and I kissed-I was thinking there was potential and I thought he was thinking the same-but the night ended up with me walking home in my stilettos and no coat-seems to the trend of 2007. It wasn’t meant to be and that is wonderful, because I’ve realized we are much better off as just friends.
Adam Pascal lit my candle at the end of January and I was pretty sure I could not have felt any more euphoric. Life seemed to be really falling into place. I had lost my job back in November and I finally had been hired at a new job that paid well.
The night after Adam Pascal I met someone that I had the most undeniable connection with. The night we kissed, my grandpa died. It was one of those times where I was experiencing so many emotions; I didn’t know what was what. I was grieving and falling for someone-a pretty strange combination.
I realize that my grandpa’s death is something that will not be easy to get over and it will take a long time. It still doesn’t seem real and there are still moments of raw emotion where I just don’t believe it is true. But life goes on, with or without you.
I met new people in March that provided an instant friendship, beautiful connections. But is seems they are all not staying that way. Sometimes there is nothing you can do.
At the end of March, I had another walk home alone in stilettos-this time I felt I had lost something that never had a chance to begin. I was sad, upset, angry and frustrated. You can’t make somebody love you and you can’t change anybody’s mind-no matter how much you want to or how much you care. It just doesn’t matter.
Since then, it’s just been a few months of feeling out of sorts. I gave my dog to a family that could take better care of her and had more time for her. Last night I had a dream about her and the truth is that I really miss her a lot. Giving her away was one of the most difficult days of 2007, and again, I did it alone. I really miss her and it hurts so much. I’d give anything for a little Gracie snuggle up time.
I know clearing out things in your life makes way for new and exciting things. I’m holding on to faith that this is true. I know by these things happening it has show me that the only person you can truly trust and rely on is yourself-and that is a great lesson to have learned. I have learned that the clouds are always darkest just before the brightest dawn. Time to let go and let it be. I don't feel sorry for myself, I just feel I'm ready for something new.
The year started off with a bang. On NYE a friend and I kissed-I was thinking there was potential and I thought he was thinking the same-but the night ended up with me walking home in my stilettos and no coat-seems to the trend of 2007. It wasn’t meant to be and that is wonderful, because I’ve realized we are much better off as just friends.
Adam Pascal lit my candle at the end of January and I was pretty sure I could not have felt any more euphoric. Life seemed to be really falling into place. I had lost my job back in November and I finally had been hired at a new job that paid well.
The night after Adam Pascal I met someone that I had the most undeniable connection with. The night we kissed, my grandpa died. It was one of those times where I was experiencing so many emotions; I didn’t know what was what. I was grieving and falling for someone-a pretty strange combination.
I realize that my grandpa’s death is something that will not be easy to get over and it will take a long time. It still doesn’t seem real and there are still moments of raw emotion where I just don’t believe it is true. But life goes on, with or without you.
I met new people in March that provided an instant friendship, beautiful connections. But is seems they are all not staying that way. Sometimes there is nothing you can do.
At the end of March, I had another walk home alone in stilettos-this time I felt I had lost something that never had a chance to begin. I was sad, upset, angry and frustrated. You can’t make somebody love you and you can’t change anybody’s mind-no matter how much you want to or how much you care. It just doesn’t matter.
Since then, it’s just been a few months of feeling out of sorts. I gave my dog to a family that could take better care of her and had more time for her. Last night I had a dream about her and the truth is that I really miss her a lot. Giving her away was one of the most difficult days of 2007, and again, I did it alone. I really miss her and it hurts so much. I’d give anything for a little Gracie snuggle up time.
I know clearing out things in your life makes way for new and exciting things. I’m holding on to faith that this is true. I know by these things happening it has show me that the only person you can truly trust and rely on is yourself-and that is a great lesson to have learned. I have learned that the clouds are always darkest just before the brightest dawn. Time to let go and let it be. I don't feel sorry for myself, I just feel I'm ready for something new.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Yellow Butterfly Underwear=Inspiration
Ch Ch Ch Changes.....
My Trifecta girls are back in town and not a moment too soon. It had been a trying weekend, and I was ready for some chatty chat time and therapy session. My roommate is a counselor, so it's wonderful to get her perspective on things. It's even better cuz she runs around in her underwear: this time it was yellow butterflies.
I had sent an email earlier today to a beautiful friend who helped me to see what the core of some of my issues were, which was AMAZINGLY helpful! It helped to see things through her eyes and to get a new insight. Now that I knew where some of these "helper" systematic beliefs were coming from, I needed a game plan.
I've been feeling blue because I have all these goals and thing I want to do but no real game plan. It seems like I have a knack for figuring things out for everyone but myself, which is incredibly frustrating. I think deep down I feel like I didn't deserve the time and patience it took to find these things out for myself. It was equally disturbing to hear Akeeya tell me that somewhere along the way I picked up the belief that I am not lovable, which I knew to be true deep down, I just didn't want to admit it. This was about the time my skin starting breaking out as well. Physical manifestation of the emotional aspects. Boggling.
So yellow underwear helped me to make a game plan. First we thought of an intention. Since I want to get over this "helper" mentality we settled on this: "Give me the inspiration, power, insight, knowledge, determination and motivation to make the decisions in my life that are good for me right now and will benefit me in the future."
We also decided to make a "worry" box where we write them down and then at the end of the week we will burn it outside. This exercise really worked well for me at a seminar where we did that with self limiting beliefs.
Tonight was wonderful. The truth is, sometimes we need help in figuring out the root of our issues, and it's so great to get another's perspective on what you may not see. So tomorrow I start with my new plan. It will be very tiny baby steps, but at least I know I'm moving forward. It's so wonderful to have amazing, supportive and beautiful friends.
My Trifecta girls are back in town and not a moment too soon. It had been a trying weekend, and I was ready for some chatty chat time and therapy session. My roommate is a counselor, so it's wonderful to get her perspective on things. It's even better cuz she runs around in her underwear: this time it was yellow butterflies.
I had sent an email earlier today to a beautiful friend who helped me to see what the core of some of my issues were, which was AMAZINGLY helpful! It helped to see things through her eyes and to get a new insight. Now that I knew where some of these "helper" systematic beliefs were coming from, I needed a game plan.
I've been feeling blue because I have all these goals and thing I want to do but no real game plan. It seems like I have a knack for figuring things out for everyone but myself, which is incredibly frustrating. I think deep down I feel like I didn't deserve the time and patience it took to find these things out for myself. It was equally disturbing to hear Akeeya tell me that somewhere along the way I picked up the belief that I am not lovable, which I knew to be true deep down, I just didn't want to admit it. This was about the time my skin starting breaking out as well. Physical manifestation of the emotional aspects. Boggling.
So yellow underwear helped me to make a game plan. First we thought of an intention. Since I want to get over this "helper" mentality we settled on this: "Give me the inspiration, power, insight, knowledge, determination and motivation to make the decisions in my life that are good for me right now and will benefit me in the future."
We also decided to make a "worry" box where we write them down and then at the end of the week we will burn it outside. This exercise really worked well for me at a seminar where we did that with self limiting beliefs.
Tonight was wonderful. The truth is, sometimes we need help in figuring out the root of our issues, and it's so great to get another's perspective on what you may not see. So tomorrow I start with my new plan. It will be very tiny baby steps, but at least I know I'm moving forward. It's so wonderful to have amazing, supportive and beautiful friends.
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