Choking On My Own Inadequacy

I can tell graduation is coming up in three months. I've had such extreme joy and sorrow in this past week, and now I sit here choking on my own inadequacy.

It's my own story of course, nobody's but mine. Nothing in particular really triggered it. I was driving home, and it was like an overwhelming emotional tidal wave took over and brought this up. It's probably my biggest pattern, always resurfacing.

Sometimes I feel like all this introspection is such a joke. I mean, I like the bullshit as much as the rest of them. I'd probably live a somewhat content life just being totally on the surface and joking around and being light hearted. In fact, that would be incredible. I have lots of moments like that, and it's great. But then this crap surfaces. It's hard not to judge myself, but why can't I just get over it? I know it needs attention, and I'm giving it attention. It's so uncomfortable as I practice tonglen and breathe in and out.

I was meeting with my favorite professor tonight and I know she cares about me so much and see so much in me. I think the world of her, I think she's wonderful. It makes me feel inadequate to be around her, not deserving of her time. It's so ridiculous. This pattern holds me back from so much.

I've been fighting feelings for a friend for awhile now. I'm not even sure what they are, if they are real or not. It feels unfair to say anything to him until I'm certain. It has been making me so uncomfortable, the more amazing and beautiful he tells me I am. I know he loves me for who I am, but it's triggering every inadequacy I have. It's really hard to deal with it. I find myself pushing him away and not wanting to be around him. How fucked up is that?

Going through all my stuff in my storage unit brought back so much. I re-read letters from years ago. Some friend friends who have since died, some from friends who have moved on, some from lovers where it didn't work out. Each letter either told me I was the best friend they've ever had or been the most in love with. And re-reading and remembering this, I didn't feel that way about myself. I've always known who I've wanted to be, I don't get why it's taking so long.

I'm pretty happy for most of life. I really am. I thought about all the relationships in my life, past and present and what I want the future ones to be like. I found it so interesting how with certain people, there have never been a conflict. Like with two of my gay friends. When I became friends with them, they weren't out of the closet yet, but we've always had this deep, beautiful and fun loving relationship, where there is never conflict. Then I think of other friendships and relationships and saw how these people brought out the very best and the very worst in me, whether they knew it or not. Those have been the more difficult relationships, but also the most rewarding. I'm still friends with most of those people today.

I'm thankful for the energetic support of Tibia. I can't imagine doing this work 100% on my own without support.

So here I am, still choking, but breathing. I hate that because of this prison my mind has put myself in, it's keeping me from so much. Keeping me from letting an amazing man love me, from being fully expressed, and from doing the things I really want to do. I've never really spoken or written of this before because it's been so buried. But I've done a ton of work peeling off the layers this year. So much work. So much hard, hard, painful, honest time with myself. It's been so worth it.

I want to put this out there, because it's ready to clear. It's so ready to clear. I know by utilizing this space, it will energetically support this clearing in my system. I'm so glad I understand how this metaphysical stuff works. That's one thing that's pretty cool.

I seriously have to wonder sometimes when you are honest enough with yourself to do this kind of work, how you date. I mean really. It's going to take somebody really really special to understand and support this. The guy that does will be the one that will win my heart. It's not like it's like this all the time, in fact it's not often at all. But when it comes up, it's shooker. Hmmm.... so much swimming around in my head right now. A moment of peace is what I crave.