Run Little Girl Run

Breathe. In. Out. Breathe. In. Out.

Sometimes I forget I'm able to stand in the center of Self and be free. The walls started tumbling down last night and continue on today.

Seriously, how do things turn around so fast? A few days ago I was on top of the world, now, this feeling. It keeps coming up.

All I've learned about myself through this, is that when a guy likes me I freak out. I want to run and keep running. Am I really that afraid of love? Why does it seem so unreasonable to me that somebody thinks I'm amazing and wonderful? Maybe I'm just not ready for this yet. Maybe it's a bit much.

I guess I'm glad I said SOMETHING, but now I maybe wish I hadn't. I'm going to hurt his feelings, I just know it, and that kills me.

Out of the blue, she emails me today. I just started crying. I'm so sick of crying. I miss her. I really really miss her. Recent conversation about her has made me think of her more, and there she is, today of all days. It was good to see her name in my inbox. It had been too long.

Sometimes I wonder if I love people too much, or if I don't love them enough. I have a really hard time letting go sometimes, but I wonder if that is because it isn't over. I know it isn't over with she and I, but the circumstances make it seem that way. I guess I've learned that life is full of surprises.

I just want to run away. It'd be so much easier, but I'd probably face the same circumstances anywhere. I crave the ocean right now. I'd love to walk in the soft sand and feel the salty air hit my face. It's so refreshing, it makes all the problems of the world completely insignificant.

I'm trying to sand in my center of Self and allow and let be.

I think in matters of the heart, humans just want to be safe. Maybe everyone isn't that way, but that's the way I feel. I miss a genuine connection. I miss the feeling of wanting to get to know somebody better...but these are all safe. It's the unknown that's scary, and that's where I'm at.

I'm ready to run, but I don't think anyone will follow. That's ok too. I'll keep running until I'm out of breath, and eventually I'll have to face what I'm running from.