My voice makes a difference

You know that feeling when you're ready to step up to the plate, but it's really scary? When you know change is coming and you want to embrace it but at the same time, push it away? That's what my Visions Class was like.

Visions in a nutshell: Using the space to have a break-through in your life. Having to get up in front of a room full of people and really feel. It's emotional, it's draining, but at the same time so awesomely transformational.

I watched my dear friend get up there and say he wanted to open his heart to love. But when you start getting underneath what is preventing something like that, you really start to see how a person has imprisoned himself in his own mind.  When he was asked, "What makes you think you aren't open to love," he said things like, "I'm unattractive, my thoughts are so strange, I don't want people to really know me or they'll hate me, everytime I get close to someone they don't want to be my friend anymore." Through the sobs, you could see it. A pattern. And it's almost like when someone is stuck in that, they find evidence everywhere to support these ideas and beliefs. It really has to come from inside that person...seeing how they created it and it isn't real.  THAT is what is transformational. As he got present to these beliefs and was coached, he really got that he was opening his heart to love. The other catch: You have to stand up there in front of the whole class until everyone in the room stands up for you. Everyone else has to believe that you got it for yourself too.

I could see his own prison clear as day, and how nobody in reality actually viewed him in this way. He could probably do anything short of killing my family and I'd still love him. He's amazing, inspiring, loveable, creative, a hard worker, hilarious...the list goes on. A true Kindred Spirit. But that's not the point. The point is, humans will continue to create their own self imposed prisons until the mind is still, clear and present. It was almost ridiculous to me that he could believe this about himself. But stuff like not being loved by your father and past relationships starts to come up and blah blah blah...we all know that story. But really...what you do DOES have an effect. It's not that you should blame others for your reactions, it's more so of getting present to how your reaction to something occuring created a belief in yourself that isn't real. I'm so glad for my friend that he is opening his heart to love. How amazing and what a gift he is giving himself. The only reason he went to Tibia was for the transformation part, and on the very last day, he got it. 

F.E.A.R....False Evidence Appearing Real.  I saw the new Batman movie the night before and was so perfectly stirred up for Visions. I was really present to my belief in myself that no matter what I do, it doesn't make a difference. I felt that movie was so based on fear, and what it can do to a human being. I started thinking about the government and war and all the fear that is so very apparent in our society. I thought about all the people starving and freezing and how society doesn't take care of them. I thought about not being able to make a difference. The conversation I had with my friend after the movie validated that thought even more for me. I felt what I was saying wasn't making a difference...that my intentions were coming out of my mouth all wrong. A pattern. I know this pattern and I'm able to catch myself when I'm running it now, but the emotion of it is still there. ARGHH!! 

So, here it is Sunday morning, running on a few hours sleep and we are centering. Michaela picks a few songs and the song, "One Voice Was Heard" was played. That started moving that emotion through me....those lyrics were exactly what I needed to be reminded of.  Knowing that I wanted to be moving into service for human beings, but being scared that I couldn't make a difference really sucks. I've always known that I would spend a period of my life traveling and doing service, and now those opportunities are starting to show up for me. I knew I needed to clear this pattern of thinking I can't make a difference out of my system so that I can actually make a difference in life. Whatever you believe is true for you, even if others don't believe it.

When it was my turn to stand up there, I just stood there. I had no words. I put my hands on my hips and my teacher said I looked like a super hero, which was really funny, because after seeing Batman, it was really how I wanted to feel. I just said I have no words. I was asked "What do you want?" I said I want to make a difference, I want to be loved by someone who actually loves me back. The tears were there, and I felt like I couldn't speak. I felt all this energy moving through me. I had the worst headache ever. I got more and more present to these feelings and Michaela said, "You've had a lot of experience in thinking that what you say doesn't make a difference, but you're looking at it in time. When you track it, it does." I thought about it and it was true. I don't know how what I say is going to land for others. But what I do know is that I thought of all the times I had made a difference to someone. And I realized I just looked at the times when my mind created that I didn't. 

I realized it wasn't just words. There was the energetics of singing as well. As I was getting that into my system, Michaela says, "Why don't you just sing and that will help this move through?" I love how she just knows. It took me forever, but I did a verse of Amazing Grace. Then she said to sing and extend Transformation. I couldn't think of anything to sing but the National Anthem. HA! So I sang it and half way through it, I really started to believe that my voice made a difference. The whole class stood. Michalea and Karen still weren't standing.

The statement for me was, "My voice makes a difference." I had to SING that. So I made up just a scale to it. I was coached to keep singing it louder and louder. Holy shit...hardest thing I've ever done. I felt this bar of energy around my shoulders and heart just shatter. They stood up. It was awesome. What was really fun is that Michaela had already picked out our graduation gifts and gave them to us after class.  Mine said, "Sing Loud."

I will continue to Sing Loud and to keep speaking. I can't control how it lands for someone, but I trust myself enough to know that what I'm saying and doing is occuring perfectly for what is needed in that moment. 

My hair is short now. It feels lighter and that's how I feel too. Very light. Very free. Very open to love. Very open to myself. Ready to make a difference.

One Voice Was Heard

Some kids have it, some kids don't 
and some of us are wondering why. 
And mom won't watch the news at night 
there's too much stuff that's making her cry. 

We need some help 
down here on earth 
a thousand prayers 
a million words 
but one voice was heard. 

A house, a yard, a neighborhood where you can ride your new bike to school. 
The kind of world where mom and dad 
still believe the golden rule. 

Life's not that simple 
Down here on Earth 
A thousand prayers 
A million words 
But on voice was heard. 

One voice, one simple word. 
Hearts know what to say. 
One dream can change the world. 
Keep believing, till you find your way. 

Yesterday while walking home 
I saw some kid on Newberry Road. 
He pulled a pistol from his bag 
and tossed it in the river below. 

Thanks for the help 
Down here on Earth 
A thousand prayers 
A million words 
But one voice was heard. 
One voice was heard. 
One voice was heard