Frustration, Compassion and Sadness...all in one session

I gave a massage today to an aquaintance. It wasn't her first session, so I knew sort of what to expect energetically from her. 

She can't relax. She is constantly twitching, jerking, moving around. Her nervous system has the brakes on at all times. She tries to do everything herself in her life and she stresses herself out way too much. She's usually a pile of emotions and clearly has a life out of balance. It reminds me of me a year ago.

I felt such compassion for her. I understand what it's like to be stressed out all the time...usually caused by the own voices in your head. You hear, "I'm not good enough, I'm awkward, I suck at everything I do, nobody understands me...etc," in your head all the time. It makes you want to lock yourself away from the world, never giving anyone a real chance to really understand or know you. It's easy to be present when there is alcohol involved...anyone can do that. Usually these people get sloppy drunk to deal with all the shit going in inside of them. UGHHH that was so me, and still can be. I just wanted to tell her to take care of herself, but we don't have that relationship...not yet anyway.

In school, they teach us the body's defense mechanisms and stress patterns and all sorts of things related to the client's emotional health. I'm so happy to be aware of these things, because it helps guide me with what kind of a session to give and to meet the client where they are at.

Oh, did I have an overwhelming desire to open my mouth and tell her everything I was intuitively recieving about her, her body, her emotions, what was going on...but I knew not to say anything, but those clues helped me give an amazing session. It's hard though, I still feel empathetic and sad. 

I guess no matter what, I cannot fix a person. Nobody needs to be fixed anyway because everyone is complete and whole. I guess a better word for fix would be "help." I can't help unless the person can recieve. And this client goes on the defensive right away with anything. People hate being vulnerable, but I've never seen anything like this. I was mostly frustrated because she's trying so hard to prove to the world that she means something. I so understand that. 

Blahhh...I just feel like I need something. Hmmm. I hate feeling like there is something missing.  I also hate having mirrors shown to me that I don't want to see.