A question of wonder

It's Friday night and I just got done meditating. I'd normally surrender to the norm of friends and booze, but the budget does not allow at this moment. So, I'm forced to spend time with myself, and that can get interesting.

I started with smoking a bit of fun and proceeded to get jacked up on orange crush and chips ahoy cookies while watching the video of Matt and Stacy's wedding. Really? Yes really. I watched mine and Nate's toast and remembered the good times. I saw myself five years ago, a totally different person, but yet the same. I just hadn't really done any self examination and was pretty naive to the world. I was much prettier back then. 

I danced for a bit around the condo...clearly a byproduct of too much sugar and reduced inhibitions. I thought a lot about friendships. I thought a lot about the current ones in my life and which ones are reciprocal and which ones are not. I thought a lot about how I care for others who don't really care all that much about me...or at least don't or can't show it. I couldn't help but wonder...is it time to just get over myself? Who really matters and who doesn't?

During meditation, I kept having the reoccuring thought of  "Should I just laugh off everything, or should I feel things too?" I think the answer for me is balance. I can laugh off a lot. I can also feel a lot. But is the answer always to get over yourself? How do you communicate to others your feelings? Do you just keep these thoughts to yourself and not share them? What if people are sick of listening to you? I guess that's what I create for myself in my head. Nobody will really care or want to listen, and if I try to share, can I truly explain myself? My tongue always gets so tied when it comes to something real. 

I get tired of people having the same issues over and over. It's like get over yourself...but I can see that irritation I have with others is what is mirroring in me. Will I always want what I can't have? Will I always feel like I need to tell someone how I feel? Why can't it be enough for me to just have these thoughts and feelings to myself? Does anyone really give a shit anyway? 

I find myself caring less and less about people's issues and dramas and lives. Is this just my way of avoiding it in my own life? Probably. But I guess not dealing with anyone makes for quite a lonely life...or a lot of very superficial friendships.  Hmmmm. I feel like some of my friendships are fading fast and I can't save them. I feel like I'm the only one who actually cares about them or wants to do something about it. Maybe it's just a lot of wasted energy. Maybe I need to focus more on myself.

I know this feeling. This feeling of wiping the board clean and starting fresh.A sense of peace and balance and anticipation. I was in this mind frame almost a two years ago now when I first met Jordan. A perfect space that I was in, happy, fresh and full of anticipation... but that wasn't to last long. It lead me on this fascinating journey of true self discovery. It's coming around again....this feeling. This feeling of just being clear and ready for what's next. This feeling of drifting apart from others. I wonder who's going to be around the corner this time. 

Life's going to be changing dramatically for me in the next few weeks. Going from not working at all to having two jobs. Things are going to get interesting. I wonder if my life is being purged of certain people because they either don't fit anymore, or they just truly don't care about me. Connections come and go. I just hate it when they go. But I see the beauty in it, even if it hurts like hell. 

Sometimes when I'm just sitting here by myself, I wonder a lot about what it'd be like if certain things didn't happen. But they did. The thing is, I wonder if anybody else thinks about these things too? It's the little things that eat away at us inside. But I seriously still believe in True Love. I believe that nothing is totally impossible. How delusional am I?