The day everything changed

When new patients come into the chiropractor's office where I work, they are required to fill out a health history intake form. Mostly, the questions have to do with pain. What kind of pain, where the pain is located, what happened to cause the pain..... I think about it like that and try to answer, how can I compartmentalize my pain in a bunch of small boxes to check today?

Today, the pain was sudden. It was intense. It was a burning, stabbing pain in my solar plexus. It was a headache pain...the pain you get when you do everything you can to keep your tears from flowing down your face. The kind of pain where you are planning on saying goodbye to someone, and then, the pain comes out of nowhere. It's an unexpected pain. A pain I didn't even know was truly there until it was palpated.

Previous is was a dull aching pain right in my heart. A pain that I knew I couldn't let go, and yet I couldn't move on with my life either. It's sadness. It's the worst kind of sadness and loneliness you can experience. Being a stranger to yourself in a life that has been so familiar for the past two years.

1998-Moving away from home to attend UWGB, truly ending the cycle of BLBJ...yes, the fab four actually had a acronym we were so tight.
2000-The first break-up with Dan. I should have kept it that way, but I needed to learn. I needed to grow.
2002-Meeting Kevin, prompting saying goodbye to the type of man I previously settled for.
2004-Chad and Dennis. The absolute loves of my life at the time. But, you choose what you choose.
2006-Derek-I was good enough to keep around for fun, but he was dating someone else...and didn't tell me.
2009 (ok, so a few more months to the two year time period)-the transition to a new way of friendship with two people, the dragon and the mermaid...

The sadness sometimes is almost unbearable...knowing that these fantastic people come into my life, and then, like everything, it has it's own cycle. It has it's own time-line that I can't control....and it's ok. Sometimes people fit, sometimes they don't, sometimes it changes. The thing that gives me comfort is that nothing is ever destroyed, it just changes form.

I feel like I broke up with someone today, which is kind of ridiculous because A. We're both straight, and B. We were never dating....but it feels the same emotionally nonetheless. It's just that, I feel, we get it. We understand. And it will be ok. It will take some adjustment not seeing her blond hair everywhere anymore and the fear that the connection we had will never be the same. The truth is, we all met when we needed each other. So badly. The mermaid, the dragon, and I.
I feel like I said goodbye to both on the same day, exiting as quickly as they entered. Like a Divine Intervention of sorts. But maybe it wasn't. I think I wanted it to be special. But the truth is, it really was extraordinary. It ripped open the next layer or my journey, and I wouldn't be the same without them. It's true. I'm so blessed for the experience.

I hope that it doesn't end, but I know that it won't be the same. I thought I was really over it, but judging by the instantaneous tears that formed while eating lunch, it was clear to me I wasn't. What's interesting is that I realize why I reacted to all the things we've been through the way I have. I feel complete with that part of it. So, why the tears? I think it was the knowing, the general sense of what the dragon and mermaid meant to me was changing, and may just disappear. Life is full or surprises, of beginnings and endings. It's a constant cycle and change, sometimes you fit, sometimes you don't. I had felt that feeling before with Jessie. We needed our year apart to grow together again. It's a sad, sad feeling. But it's a feeling that in hindsight, you know this is the best day ever.

It's true that time heals everything, however you can't speed it up. You just have to be with it, make it your friend. Sometimes I feel like I feel emotions so much stronger than the average person, that I love too hard and I put myself out there way too much. I just hope I made a difference.

I think back to the moment I saw that black and white picture. And I knew, I had to know him. I'm sad I didn't get to know him and find all the secrets behind his eyes, and enjoy all the things that make him uniquely him. I wish I'd be given the chance...but it wasn't mine to have then. I met him at a time I needed him and I loved him before I even met him. And it's a love that stands out of time. It just is. It's a love that transcends romance and friendship, it's just what it is. And I'm happy for him that he's able to open up to someone. His happiness is important to me....I just don't need to be the reason for it. A part of me wonders if I wouldn't have told him to audition for Madison theater, if he ever would have...if he would be doing what he's doing now. But it is neither here, nor there. It just is. I understand this. I realize his role on this stage. I just hope I made a difference.

I think back to moment he brought her to the red party. Banged up and defeated, she needed me, and I her. What resulted was one of the best friendships I have known. Someone who seemed to really understand. We all needed each other so much. To live, to learn, to grow. And I know she's able to swim away strong, passionate and whole. And I love her. It's a love that stands out of time, and we both get that. I told her we didn't need to go over what the past two years meant, because we don't. We both just know. It goes without saying. It's so hard when your life kicks you out....but it's just because you're forced to move on to what's next. Even when you don't want to...even when you know it's the best thing. Even when you feel like it's all just a strange dream.

I'll always look back at this time as the years of healing. How I transformed into a dragonfly...and how I'm finally comfortable with saying that. Because she and I are one in the same...we were never meant to belong or stay anywhere...we just glide and flutter and find people when they need us. That's just how it works. I can tell myself that nothing changed to day, but the truth is, everything has.

In the story that I will tell my children of how I found their father, I will talk about this day. And hopefully "Aunt Sarah" and "Uncle Jordan" will be around to hear it.

I hope these amazing people stay in my life, but today everything changed...and it's probably for the better. I love them both. They are people I will always do anything for, answer any 3 am call from and probably give a kidney for. However, I will not eat coconut for them. I draw the line there. This is the day that the next chapter starts...and it's ok. I am strong. I remember "this" night two years ago. The next day, my dragonfly showed up right on my porch screen.

The two things that stand out so much right now are the night by the lake, hearing his life story and the night we tried to watch Batman, but instead had to watch Dragonfly...where I heard hers. I hope, someday, when I am wherever I am, and they tell their life story to someone else, that I at least get an honorable mention.

I don't know what's next. But my life here doesn't fit anymore. I feel this constant and incessant tug at my heart strings to spread my wings and fly. Africa? Dubai? California? I don't know...but what I do know is I was born in this world to make a difference....and that's what I'll spend the rest of my life doing. I'm sure there will be many more 2 year cycles, or perhaps one day, it will break. People will show up and inspire you, love you, break you, and teach you. People will come and go, people will change. But love remains the same.