I think there must come a time in everyone's life where they have to get clear and honest with themselves about what they REALLY want. It's time to cut the bullshit and really get brutally honest with yourself. I guess it doesn't have to be brutal, but it can be overwhelming and confusing.
My time is now, about a year and a half before my 30th birthday. I've had a GREAT time in my 20's. Lots of partying, lots of drinking, lots of fun and adventure, but when I look at it, it's left me with emptiness. Nothing of substance or sustainability. Yes, of course I love going out and socializng with my friends and family, but it's not fulfilling to me long term. It's not everything I want. I see people in their 40's and 50's still living this lifestyle and I can't help but feel sorry for them.
I started reading and educating myself about financial planning. I'd love to be able to retire at an age when I can still enjoy traveling and making a difference. I rolled over my old 401K into a Roth IRA, since I'm hoping the rest of my life will be spent self employed or working at a wonderful small company. No more big corporate jobs for me. It's for the birds. The old me would have taken that money and spent it on a new computer. Now I have to do the old fashioned thing and save up for one. That's going to take awhile on a very tight budget.
BIG SIGH. Yes, I've been known to be dramatic.
Well, I thought a lot about what I want. It's pretty simple, really. I want to love, travel and experience.
I want to be in a loving, supportive, trusting relationship. This means I have to get over myself. Really. I keep telling myself that I don't know how to date, nobody wants me anyway, the relationship thing doesn't work for me, I could go on and on. If that's what I keep saying, that's what I'll keep getting: Evidence for what I create for myself. But I really do hate dating. I hate putting on your best side for someone just so that they'll like you. I hate the awkward silences and feelings of rejection. I've usually dated guys that have been my friends and something more started to develop when we'd spend time together. But, right now, I don't feel like I have any options that I know of. So, it's back to square one. I don't plan on going on dating websites and crap like that, but I am opening up the possibility of meeting someone or "re-meeting" them if I already know them. If I'm really truly honest with myself, I do want a relationship, and I find myself really romantically lonely at times. There's still a part of me that feels like I'm unwanted. That's what needs to heal. It's so rare that I connect with someone romantically, and when I do, I have such a hard time letting go. I don't want to have to keep going through that over and over again.
I want to generate enough income so I can retire before 60. I also want to have a cabin up north that I can escape to and if/when I have a family, it can be a place for my children's family vacation memories. I want them to be able to know what life is like without a computer and cellphones and emails constantly nagging you. That there is pure joy and bliss in a cup of coffee and a good book. There's nothing more pleasing to me than spending time by water in the summer and watching the leaves change in the fall. I'd love to have a place for weekends of doing just that.
I want to have a successful business in bodywork. I want to specialize in myofascial release and trigger point therapy. To me, this makes the most difference emotionally and physically to the client...to free their bodies from the straight jacket it has imprisoned itself in. The continuing education classes are expensive, but I know I can save up for it and do it. Nothing brings me greater joy than helping someone with their pain. It's fun, it's like playing detective to see where it's stemming from and finding the source. Sometimes it takes a lot of tries. My work brings me joy, and that to me is more important than having a lot of money and doing the same mundane tasks over and over each day. Those jobs don't make a difference in our lives: they are just paycheck. I've lived that, and it's not enough for me. If I can go to bed at night, knowing I'm making a big difference and loving what I do, then it's a life well lived.
I want to travel. I recently had a conversation with my accountant. She is delightful and I always feel so inspired and powerful after talking with her. She travels a lot with her husband and they were getting ready to leave for a trip through Canada and Niagra Falls. I'd love to take vacations and see the world. I grew up very financially strapped and we never once took a vacation. It's hard to raise five kids on a teacher's salary and I don't blame my parents. I just want something different. I want to be able to do that for myself and my future family, if that is in the cards for me.
All this big "life thinking" has made me very anti-social and when I'm in social settings, I just don't feel relaxed or myself. Growing Pains? Or what is that? It's been making me feel strange. It's like I need this time all by myself, or maybe I'm afraid that people will laugh at my dreams. I don't really know what it's all about. I'm crying and laughing a lot, sometimes I feel bipolar. Seriously. I can't wait to be 30...isn't that when it gets easier?
These things are all great, but with goals, you have to have plans. That's where I seem to get stuck. I get really frustrated with myself because I'm not dating, I don't have a lot of money, and I feel like a lot of my life is on uncertain grounds. As I worry about this stuff, my skin and diet get worse. I hate it when my physical body is a product of my own produced stress. It is sometimes hard to breathe, which is probably why my stomach area is chock full of trigger points. Isn't that the solar plexus area? The energy there is the 3rd chakra, your sense of self. Maybe that's why I'm so into yellow lately. Makes sense. UGH!
Sometimes it's very hard to take it a day at a time and I know that's what I need to do. I have the tools I need to take care of this. I can't help but wonder if I'm so lit up lately because Intuitve Guidance 2 is coming up and it's getting ready to clear out. That'd be nice.
Life's Journey sure can be interesting. You never know what's going to happen to you. You can plan and plan, but you never really know. My life completely changed the day I met my Dragonfly. And, sometimes I wonder what it would be like if that had never happened. But you can't live off of what ifs. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I had married Dan. If I had never had an intervention that whispered subconsciously to me, "you're meant to do so much more." I do believe things happen for a reason. It's really hard sometimes though, because we hold on so tightly to what we think we want, rather than allowing space in our lives for what is to be for everyone's highest good.
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