Circles

Circles


I've been reading lately about the human brain. I've been understanding lately that it's programmed into your brain, and "easier" to go back to old habits. That's why most people fail. People are used to what's comfortable, even if that means what is not necessarily "best" for them. You see it over and over in everyone else but yourself. I'm starting to see it in myself. I'm failing.

I always find something to relate too, and as ridiculous as it is, right now, I relate to the Office. I relate to the character of Pam Beasley. I watch her throughout the progression of the show, going from a mousy receptionist in an unhealthy relationship to someone who starts to test her power by standing up for herself and being involved in a healthy relationship with herself and with Jim. I guess I'm at the mousy receptionist stage right now. I've known the former and the latter, and it's really hard when you're in the former to remember the latter.

I love being optomistic. It's engrained in my character, but lately, I just feel negative. I feel down on myself because I'm gaining weight, I'm tired all the time and I feel like doing nothing. I have moments of inspiration, but then I feel helpless and defeated again. I have these burst of anxiety. I go back to this way of being because that's what my brain feels is normal and comfortable and I create it over and over and over again. I guess at least I'm aware of it instead of it happening unconsciously. People tell you to be patient and easy on yourself, but that isn't producing results for me. Maybe I need to be harder on myself.

In college, I was very hard on myself. I survived off of diet coke and an elliptical machine. I was dating a suicidal maniac. I had great friends though. That's something I've never lacked. I wonder sometimes who the hell would want to hang out with me? I guess I do throw out some damn witty statements sometimes and like to have fun....but where's the self worth here? From others?

I'm working four jobs right now. I'm not even making the bills. When I punch in for my shift at Bath and Body Works I kind of as myself...what am I doing? I'm a stellar student, a great massage therapist....this job is beneath me. But yet, it humbles me. I shouldn't have to do this, I think. But it's where I'm at. It's what I've created.

I'm under constant stress. My low back is always in pain. I wonder why I do this to myself. I'm usually a happy person. Is it this awful weather? Last winter I felt like I lost my mind for a bit. Maybe it is this ridiculous cold that I keep telling myself I'm going to move away from. But do I? No. Why? Because I don't know differently and in that, I create my own prison.

I read today that you can't expect anyone to understand you if they don't understand themselves. I think that's true. I feel sometimes I don't understand myself, hence, why I can't attract someone that understands me or even wants to try. Touch is so important and I'm so romantically lonely right now. It's hard to admit, but it's true. It's not like I can just go out and get laid. I mean, come on, I'm not a guy who would just sleep with anyone. It's different for girls. Girls like me anyway.

So here I am: fat, lonely and uninspired. Why? Because I truly don't know how to get myself out of it. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this. Oh of course I can create an exercise program and stick to it for a few weeks. I can eat healthy for a bit. I can even forget about dating and affection for awhile. I can do affirmations and feel positive. But eventually, it all sinks back into this....why can't I ever stick to anything that's good for me? Why do I poison my body with shitty food, punish my body with no exercise and mutilate my self esteem with wanting guys who don't want me?

Fuck this. Can I get a re-do? Or at least can I skip ahead to the part where I stand up for myself and am sexy and beautiful again? I'd sit down and make a plan, but I'll probably have to work. Oh wallowing in self pity...so much fun on a Tuesday night. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who feels this way? I'm sure I'll be writing about how inpsired I am again next week. Is there ever any balance? Will I ever be able to just relax again? Sighhhhhhhhhhh. Maybe it's time for another episode of The Office.

I went to an old friends' party the other day. He had this cute efficiency apartment. I've been fantasizing about getting one in the middle of the woods. Sometimes alone is the only place I truly feel safe.