Completion

The day I walked down the aisle in her wedding, I wept not because of happiness, but because of sorrow-I knew our years of friendship would dramatically change now. It would never be the same again. It was selfish of me to think that-I can admit that.

The written word is so much stronger to me than just pure thought alone. Although she will never read this, I need this space for our completion. It is my space, I chose what I want to establish here. I pray it will help manifest the completion sooner, to stop the dull ache in my heart and the tears that sting my eyes in my lone presense. Three weeks and no response, she says she's moving on and she has.

I'm happy of our time together. I'm trying to smile because it happened and not be sad because it's over. Writing love notes to boys in sidewalk chalk, our annual camping trip to the Dells, always applying to the same places so we could work together...those are the things I'll remember the most. I've had a very blessed life with many clsoe friendships-but she was my very best friend-and she knew that.

The worst time of my entire life when Dan tried to kill himself, the times I thought he was dead, the endless aching gut wrenching emotions of somebody depending on you for a reason to live-the time when I was so absorbed in his well being-she was the one who looked out for mine. She's the one who caught me passing out from exhaustion, she's the one who told me I'm worth more than what he can ever dream to give to me.

It took me years to get over what happened-but she was always there, telling me she was so happy I didn't marry him-so am I. I would be a completely different person-things really do happen for a reason. I started to see myself in a different way.

She was supportive through every relationship of mine when every guy treated me like absolute garbage. She tried to make me see, even when I didn't want to, and she loved me and let me cry when I realized she was right.

Back to her wedding day, the toast she made hurt me so much. She would have never met her husband if I wouldn't have been 'so in love' with his roommate. It's ironic that way....she's rejecting me for the very same reason he did: Religion. She knew I had loved him more than any other, and to this day, that is still true. Why bring that up in front of his finacee and family? For him, it was because I didn't grow up going to church. For her, it's because she doesn't accept my personal spiritual journey to Self. It's weird because it's so personal and different for everybody and I feel, should be respected. It's not like I asked for this at all. I didn't ask to be haunted and delighted with messages, images and insights. I didn't ask to understand energy. It just happened. And like not marrying Dan, this too must be happening for a reason, even if I don't know why-and that's the most frustrating part. Is it all worth it?

I must go with what is real and true to me and not somebody else-even if it means she no longer wants me in her life. Even with all our history and memories- I can't turn my back on me.

I thank her for the compassion, beauty, sheer joy, laughter, understanding, humor, strength and companionship in my life in our time together. Maybe it will come around again someday. I wish her dragonflies "all of the days." It is complete and it is what it is. And now, it's time for me to move on too.

2007-A lot of loss... family member, romance and now best friendship. I wonder why this is happening, and I wonder how it will all turn out. I guess all I can do is look ahead. Learning my lesson in starting to understand my worth...it's priceless.

"If you're lost you can look and you will find me, time after time. If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting, time after time."