Circles
I've been reading lately about the human brain. I've been understanding lately that it's programmed into your brain, and "easier" to go back to old habits. That's why most people fail. People are used to what's comfortable, even if that means what is not necessarily "best" for them. You see it over and over in everyone else but yourself. I'm starting to see it in myself. I'm failing.
I always find something to relate too, and as ridiculous as it is, right now, I relate to the Office. I relate to the character of Pam Beasley. I watch her throughout the progression of the show, going from a mousy receptionist in an unhealthy relationship to someone who starts to test her power by standing up for herself and being involved in a healthy relationship with herself and with Jim. I guess I'm at the mousy receptionist stage right now. I've known the former and the latter, and it's really hard when you're in the former to remember the latter.
I love being optomistic. It's engrained in my character, but lately, I just feel negative. I feel down on myself because I'm gaining weight, I'm tired all the time and I feel like doing nothing. I have moments of inspiration, but then I feel helpless and defeated again. I have these burst of anxiety. I go back to this way of being because that's what my brain feels is normal and comfortable and I create it over and over and over again. I guess at least I'm aware of it instead of it happening unconsciously. People tell you to be patient and easy on yourself, but that isn't producing results for me. Maybe I need to be harder on myself.
In college, I was very hard on myself. I survived off of diet coke and an elliptical machine. I was dating a suicidal maniac. I had great friends though. That's something I've never lacked. I wonder sometimes who the hell would want to hang out with me? I guess I do throw out some damn witty statements sometimes and like to have fun....but where's the self worth here? From others?
I'm working four jobs right now. I'm not even making the bills. When I punch in for my shift at Bath and Body Works I kind of as myself...what am I doing? I'm a stellar student, a great massage therapist....this job is beneath me. But yet, it humbles me. I shouldn't have to do this, I think. But it's where I'm at. It's what I've created.
I'm under constant stress. My low back is always in pain. I wonder why I do this to myself. I'm usually a happy person. Is it this awful weather? Last winter I felt like I lost my mind for a bit. Maybe it is this ridiculous cold that I keep telling myself I'm going to move away from. But do I? No. Why? Because I don't know differently and in that, I create my own prison.
I read today that you can't expect anyone to understand you if they don't understand themselves. I think that's true. I feel sometimes I don't understand myself, hence, why I can't attract someone that understands me or even wants to try. Touch is so important and I'm so romantically lonely right now. It's hard to admit, but it's true. It's not like I can just go out and get laid. I mean, come on, I'm not a guy who would just sleep with anyone. It's different for girls. Girls like me anyway.
So here I am: fat, lonely and uninspired. Why? Because I truly don't know how to get myself out of it. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this. Oh of course I can create an exercise program and stick to it for a few weeks. I can eat healthy for a bit. I can even forget about dating and affection for awhile. I can do affirmations and feel positive. But eventually, it all sinks back into this....why can't I ever stick to anything that's good for me? Why do I poison my body with shitty food, punish my body with no exercise and mutilate my self esteem with wanting guys who don't want me?
Fuck this. Can I get a re-do? Or at least can I skip ahead to the part where I stand up for myself and am sexy and beautiful again? I'd sit down and make a plan, but I'll probably have to work. Oh wallowing in self pity...so much fun on a Tuesday night. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who feels this way? I'm sure I'll be writing about how inpsired I am again next week. Is there ever any balance? Will I ever be able to just relax again? Sighhhhhhhhhhh. Maybe it's time for another episode of The Office.
I went to an old friends' party the other day. He had this cute efficiency apartment. I've been fantasizing about getting one in the middle of the woods. Sometimes alone is the only place I truly feel safe.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
My Snow Day
Today I had a marvelous snow day. I knew I would be having this day last night, so I thought about what I wanted to do today. I knew I at least wanted to get the holiday decorations up, even if I don't really believe in the Holidays. I just love having the lights up and sparkling ornaments on the tree. It adds a bit of illumination to my life.
I started my day with watching the Pursuit of Happyness. What a wonderful movie! Even thought I've never been homeless, I can relate to struggling and struggling to achieve your dreams. It gave me hope again that I can do anything that I put my mind too, and again, stirred my heart to be a fantastic doctor someday. Who cares if I won't finish my residency until I'm 36? That just means I'll have about 30 years to enjoy it until I retire.
I put up the artificial Christmas tree. I don't believe in real trees. Yes, I know they are raised specifically to die for America's consumption and end up in landfills, but I just can't do it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when I was a baby, I pulled on an ornament and our real tree came toppling over me and I got an eye infection from the needles. Thanks mom, for watching me.
Last year I had skipped the tree. I wasn't much in the mood for holiday festivities. As I put the ornaments on the tree, I reminisced about why I had bought them. There was the yorkshire terrier figurine I had bought because of Gracie. There was the grey cat I had bought in honor of Kristina, Dennis' cat. I remembered at the time how close Dennis and I were: like Will and Grace. We talk maybe three of four times a year now. I thought about our friendship and what it meant and still means to me. I thought about how so interesting people's enter and departure from our lives is so Universally perfect.
I looked at the tropical flip flops I bought in honor of my old roommate Jennifer. She loves everything and anything to do with Hawaii. She was my best friend from 4th grade until we graduated high school. Again, I thought about entering and departure. I thought about time and timing.
My St. Louis arch ornament. I had been there for three weeks on a business trip when I used to sell appliances at American. I thought about how unhappy I was on the inside then, and how back then I would have never guessed my life would be where it is now. I thought about that girl and if she would have had any clue she'd meet a Dragonfly and her whole life would change. I thought about if that girl even knew how to tune into a higher vibration and resonate there.
I looked at the glittering cardinal. I immediately looked for the disco balls. I had bought this combination of ornaments in honor of my love for the Cardinal Bar. Now the Cardinal has new meaning...the passage of time my family went through to get to Middleton and my Grandpa's Death. It's interesting how things can take on a new meaning in your life just because of the passage of time.
I decorated the tree as my favorite movie, "Breakfast at Tiffany's" played. What a perfect way to spend the afternoon.
I thought about my life now and then people in it, and the people I want in it more. I realized their significance, and I felt so blessed. I'll have to go out and make sure I find a mermaid ornament, an angel ornament and a dragon ornament. I'll have to make sure I find at least five dragonfly ones....
Our life experiences make us into who we are in the present. The people we have in our lives, and the ones we hold in our hearts shape us into who we are. I think I've turned out pretty good so far. As I clear out more and more "junk" from my heart, I feel more open to inspire others, to love others and to motivate others. I'm even getting to a point in my life when I can truly appreciate and love people, even if they decide they don't want to give anything back. I'm ok with that now. I just want to make a difference. At times, I question if I do...then I look around me and know I do. And I realize it doesn't really matter if I do or not. It just matters that I stay to true to who I am. When I don't, that's when things fall apart.
I think it's really important to have these kind of days. I realized I'm the happiest when I'm just staying present. It doesn't really matter what I'm doing, other than being right here, right now. Being present with my thoughts and memories and noticing rather than judging. Acting out of love instead of fear.
In five years, I wonder how I'll be decorating my tree. I know it won't be in Madison. In a way, that saddens me, but it a way it inspires me. Knowing I'm working my way to use my intuitive gifts in the medical field will be enough for me. Knowing that soon I'll have the knowledge and education to make a huge difference. To know I won't be one of the HMO doctors who sees a patient for six minutes and then prescribes three drugs for them will be my inspiration.
I hope I can add many more ornaments to my tree. I'll be 33 years old. I hope there will be ornaments about inside jokes with my friends. Ornaments about a great love. Ornaments from the past and present. I can't tell the future (well sometimes I THINK I can, and sometimes what I say does happen) so who knows what that is. What I do know is that without a dream, without people you love and without inner peace you don't have much of anything.
People need to take snow days. Without them, we just get lost in this rat race. We just keep going and going, never taking the time to really love, really feel and really be present. We feel obligated and lose our passion. We need a recharging of the soul every now and again. It's vital to existence.
I started my day with watching the Pursuit of Happyness. What a wonderful movie! Even thought I've never been homeless, I can relate to struggling and struggling to achieve your dreams. It gave me hope again that I can do anything that I put my mind too, and again, stirred my heart to be a fantastic doctor someday. Who cares if I won't finish my residency until I'm 36? That just means I'll have about 30 years to enjoy it until I retire.
I put up the artificial Christmas tree. I don't believe in real trees. Yes, I know they are raised specifically to die for America's consumption and end up in landfills, but I just can't do it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when I was a baby, I pulled on an ornament and our real tree came toppling over me and I got an eye infection from the needles. Thanks mom, for watching me.
Last year I had skipped the tree. I wasn't much in the mood for holiday festivities. As I put the ornaments on the tree, I reminisced about why I had bought them. There was the yorkshire terrier figurine I had bought because of Gracie. There was the grey cat I had bought in honor of Kristina, Dennis' cat. I remembered at the time how close Dennis and I were: like Will and Grace. We talk maybe three of four times a year now. I thought about our friendship and what it meant and still means to me. I thought about how so interesting people's enter and departure from our lives is so Universally perfect.
I looked at the tropical flip flops I bought in honor of my old roommate Jennifer. She loves everything and anything to do with Hawaii. She was my best friend from 4th grade until we graduated high school. Again, I thought about entering and departure. I thought about time and timing.
My St. Louis arch ornament. I had been there for three weeks on a business trip when I used to sell appliances at American. I thought about how unhappy I was on the inside then, and how back then I would have never guessed my life would be where it is now. I thought about that girl and if she would have had any clue she'd meet a Dragonfly and her whole life would change. I thought about if that girl even knew how to tune into a higher vibration and resonate there.
I looked at the glittering cardinal. I immediately looked for the disco balls. I had bought this combination of ornaments in honor of my love for the Cardinal Bar. Now the Cardinal has new meaning...the passage of time my family went through to get to Middleton and my Grandpa's Death. It's interesting how things can take on a new meaning in your life just because of the passage of time.
I decorated the tree as my favorite movie, "Breakfast at Tiffany's" played. What a perfect way to spend the afternoon.
I thought about my life now and then people in it, and the people I want in it more. I realized their significance, and I felt so blessed. I'll have to go out and make sure I find a mermaid ornament, an angel ornament and a dragon ornament. I'll have to make sure I find at least five dragonfly ones....
Our life experiences make us into who we are in the present. The people we have in our lives, and the ones we hold in our hearts shape us into who we are. I think I've turned out pretty good so far. As I clear out more and more "junk" from my heart, I feel more open to inspire others, to love others and to motivate others. I'm even getting to a point in my life when I can truly appreciate and love people, even if they decide they don't want to give anything back. I'm ok with that now. I just want to make a difference. At times, I question if I do...then I look around me and know I do. And I realize it doesn't really matter if I do or not. It just matters that I stay to true to who I am. When I don't, that's when things fall apart.
I think it's really important to have these kind of days. I realized I'm the happiest when I'm just staying present. It doesn't really matter what I'm doing, other than being right here, right now. Being present with my thoughts and memories and noticing rather than judging. Acting out of love instead of fear.
In five years, I wonder how I'll be decorating my tree. I know it won't be in Madison. In a way, that saddens me, but it a way it inspires me. Knowing I'm working my way to use my intuitive gifts in the medical field will be enough for me. Knowing that soon I'll have the knowledge and education to make a huge difference. To know I won't be one of the HMO doctors who sees a patient for six minutes and then prescribes three drugs for them will be my inspiration.
I hope I can add many more ornaments to my tree. I'll be 33 years old. I hope there will be ornaments about inside jokes with my friends. Ornaments about a great love. Ornaments from the past and present. I can't tell the future (well sometimes I THINK I can, and sometimes what I say does happen) so who knows what that is. What I do know is that without a dream, without people you love and without inner peace you don't have much of anything.
People need to take snow days. Without them, we just get lost in this rat race. We just keep going and going, never taking the time to really love, really feel and really be present. We feel obligated and lose our passion. We need a recharging of the soul every now and again. It's vital to existence.
Friday, December 5, 2008
UWW and "the cat"
Tonight I went to celebrate my brother Derrick's 21st birthday in Whitewater. I went into his disgusting apartment to get ready. UWW's slumlords have apartments that are in conditions ready for rats. It's awful. I was doing my make-up in the bathroom mirror, thinking about the woman I have become since my five and half years after graduating. I thought of the girl who lost her virginity in the building next to this apartment. I thought of the girl who spent hours getting ready to go out on a Thursday night. I thought of the girl who spent hours looking for her suicidal boyfriend in the freezing cold.
I looked in the mirror and saw a woman with pain and joy behind her wiser eyes. I was so glad to have left that girl behind in Whitewater. I was done with my makeup and Lance said something to me about a cat.
A cat? What? What cat?
Apparently their landlord had trapped a stray cat in a live trap cage downstairs. It had been there over a week with no food or water....imprisoned in the pitch dark in the cold.
WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTT???? WHERE IS IT??????
I immediately ran (Well more like crawled) down the falling apart staircase into this unbelievable basement out of a horror film...I wasn't even thinking...just acting. In the middle of the room was this beautiful black cat. I looked at it, and said, "you are perfect." I had the strangest spiritual connection with this cat. It was terrified and probably the first human contact it had had in a week.
We could figure out how to open the cage to give it water...I didn't want to touch it because the possiblility of disease is was probably high. We finally got it open and I gave her water. She pawed as to say, "Help me." This cat. This poor strange cat. I was so angry. How could anyone do this to an animal? How could FIVE people be living in this apartment and not think anything of it? Derrick claimed he just found it today, but WHYYYY would you not do something about it?
The landlord claimed the Humane Society was supossed to pick it up a week ago. What the hell???? Why wouldn't one of the tenants call him to say it hadn't been picked up? Why wouldn't the landlord check? How can you leave another living creature alone, in the dark, terrified, and starving?
I called the cops. They came over and said they would take her to the humane society. Then they decided no to in case the landlord had other plans...What the hell? So I said, can I call the humane society? They said sure. I left a message on the landlord's machine and told him what happened. Derrick said he'd check on the cat later and make sure she was picked up tomorrow. I'm going to follow up and call and make sure. Unbelievable.
In the past, I probably would have been way to scared of all the confrontation involved in this situation, but I just ran down those stairs. And when this cat looked at me, I just felt something inside of me that I haven't really felt before. Compassion, anger, sadness, care and love all rolled into one. And and on a small scale, I saved her. And I think of how many other beings there are out there that need help....I want to help...I'm not afraid anymore.
I feel sometimes a bit like Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's. She has this brilliant monolouge at the end of the movie about she and her cat not belonging anywhere. She wouldn't even name her cat because they didn't belong. I'm calling the humane society tomorrow and if the cat doesn't have any diseases and can be adopted, I'm taking her. I'm naming her Karma.
I looked in the mirror and saw a woman with pain and joy behind her wiser eyes. I was so glad to have left that girl behind in Whitewater. I was done with my makeup and Lance said something to me about a cat.
A cat? What? What cat?
Apparently their landlord had trapped a stray cat in a live trap cage downstairs. It had been there over a week with no food or water....imprisoned in the pitch dark in the cold.
WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTT???? WHERE IS IT??????
I immediately ran (Well more like crawled) down the falling apart staircase into this unbelievable basement out of a horror film...I wasn't even thinking...just acting. In the middle of the room was this beautiful black cat. I looked at it, and said, "you are perfect." I had the strangest spiritual connection with this cat. It was terrified and probably the first human contact it had had in a week.
We could figure out how to open the cage to give it water...I didn't want to touch it because the possiblility of disease is was probably high. We finally got it open and I gave her water. She pawed as to say, "Help me." This cat. This poor strange cat. I was so angry. How could anyone do this to an animal? How could FIVE people be living in this apartment and not think anything of it? Derrick claimed he just found it today, but WHYYYY would you not do something about it?
The landlord claimed the Humane Society was supossed to pick it up a week ago. What the hell???? Why wouldn't one of the tenants call him to say it hadn't been picked up? Why wouldn't the landlord check? How can you leave another living creature alone, in the dark, terrified, and starving?
I called the cops. They came over and said they would take her to the humane society. Then they decided no to in case the landlord had other plans...What the hell? So I said, can I call the humane society? They said sure. I left a message on the landlord's machine and told him what happened. Derrick said he'd check on the cat later and make sure she was picked up tomorrow. I'm going to follow up and call and make sure. Unbelievable.
In the past, I probably would have been way to scared of all the confrontation involved in this situation, but I just ran down those stairs. And when this cat looked at me, I just felt something inside of me that I haven't really felt before. Compassion, anger, sadness, care and love all rolled into one. And and on a small scale, I saved her. And I think of how many other beings there are out there that need help....I want to help...I'm not afraid anymore.
I feel sometimes a bit like Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's. She has this brilliant monolouge at the end of the movie about she and her cat not belonging anywhere. She wouldn't even name her cat because they didn't belong. I'm calling the humane society tomorrow and if the cat doesn't have any diseases and can be adopted, I'm taking her. I'm naming her Karma.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Excuse me while I re-program my brain....
For the past oh, probably two and a half years now, I've been on the road to self-discovery and personal growth and awareness. I've laughed, I've cried, I've thrown things and I've felt so many things. I had a breakthrough the other day, and it has nothing to do with spirituality.
FACT: (I've been watching wayyy too much of the office lately) I've been trying to make myself happy by fixing every external circumstance that I knew how. I understood the concept that you have to "change" what's on the inside for that to reflect in your outer world, but I didn't truly know how to practice it or apply it to my mind. I tried meditating, I tried praying, I tried dieting, I tried exercise...nothing was making a lasting difference that lasted long. Sure, I'd have breakthroughs and inspirations, but then I'd eventually fall back into my old ways of being. In these moments of inspiration I'd run around like a crazy woman trying to convince everyone I loved that this was the way to be, because I was so elated. When I find something that works, I want to share it with everyone.
But then I would fall back into this weird space of self-doubt, anxiety, and uncomfortability. Whyyyy would I keep doing this? Because that's how I have allowed my brain to be programmed.
Dr. Rob gave me this book to read that a lot of chiropractors read to clear out their own personal junk to build a successful practice. I started reading it and I was blown away. It was all the stuff I had read about in spiritual books and things of that nature, but the difference was that this was all science based. When you talk about right and left brain activity and the way the subconscious mind works, you literally program and re-program yourself. It's like you are a little computer and you can program your reality.
For example, Say you were in a relationship that broke your heart. Subconsciously, you are telling yourself that you have a broken heart. Your left brain is going to deliver you situations that break your heart until you have re-programmed yourself to be open and receptive to love. It's all based on your perception. So, if you meet someone wonderful and open to love and you are subconsciously putting out there that you are broken, what do you think will happen? Since your command center has experienced that "high" of love before and then got hurt, your autonomic system will say to you, "this is how it happened before, you know no other way of being, you will get hurt." It has NOTHING to do with anything but how you have programmed yourself into being.
I have realized that my brain has been programmed by many external forces, like many of us. Our parents, teachers, experiences, etc program us to be how we are today. But we CAN change it. It just takes practice and dedication...and it's proven. Maybe this isn't all a spiritual experience after all...maybe it's just what is. Maybe it's just how the human mind works....but my question is...where does it all come from? If we are all part of a big bang or something created us, then wouldn't we all be interconnected anyway? We'd have the same molecular formations and energy inside of us?
I've realized that I've allowed myself to be programmed so much, mostly by my parents. But what they say and think just isn't TRUE! But I believe it. Take a moment and think of all the times someone has said something about you and you've taken it to be true....
It's like I've been an actor these past few years, trying to find somewhere that I fit and belong....because that's what I believe about myself. That I don't belong, and boy does my left brain find me evidence for that. So, the answer is not going around trying to find someone to love me, or something to belong to, it's actually about going with-in and re-training my brain to believe I belong. The mind doesn't know the difference between something real and something vividly imagined. I feel this is why some people can lose their mind...which brings me to my next point....
Since working at Pro-Health I've just had a ridiculous amount of coincidences....the other day, Dr. Rob and I were talking about parallel universes. Now, mind you, this is coming from a man who has more science and medical training that your family physician probably does. We were talking about it and then that night, I went to a friends house and there was a show on about it. Then I went to my parents house last night and my sister tells me she and Sonny were talking about it at that same time. WTF? How does this happen? It's wayyyy to coincidental...and then I thought...well, wouldn't I just be bringing that experience to me because that's what I'm focused on? If we can truly reprogram our minds, we are capable of unbelievable possibilities. Anway, Dr. Rob thinks that you might be able to subconsciously experience a parallel universe and yeah, that can make someone lose their mind. It's cool to think about.... I'm not sure what I think about it yet, but there are some very good evidence based cases out there.
Anyway, I think it's amazing. I feel like I have this missing peice of the pie. You create your own reality by what you believe about yourself and your environment. It's really all about the internal networking and programming we have. You can't make a mac run windows without the proper software...so how could you expect someone who doesn't know that they don't know to do what's out of their perspective? They need a software update.
It's easy to see why actors become their characters....when the brain doesn't know the difference between a vivid imagination and real life, it gets confused? So...is that why Brad Pitt takes off with Angelina Jolie? Is it why Heath Ledger went nuts?? Could be, might not be...but interesting to think about. Do people that spend that much time in another character have any idea of what is them and what is the character? Maybe that's why some people are so great at it...they never spend time being themselves. Is that why Britney Spears went crazy? How can you separate that in the brain?
I've been acting like a victim, like the light got sucked out of me. Like life isn't fair. That's what my parents taught me. Well, no more. I understand the science behind this and I'm determined to do the work so that I catch myself every time I fall and I replace the old way of thinking with new affirmations. It can be taught. It can be done. Who knows, I might already have done this on a parallel universe! ;)But you know, if you can get out of your left brain....why is it that we have this spark and connection and things we can't explain about how we connect with others? Are we living a different life on a different plane and the only thing keeping us unaware of it is our brain? Or is it Divine Intervention? Or Batman?
I think what will make me an excellent doctor in about 6 years is that I will help create possibilities for my patients that they haven't even thought of yet.
FACT: (I've been watching wayyy too much of the office lately) I've been trying to make myself happy by fixing every external circumstance that I knew how. I understood the concept that you have to "change" what's on the inside for that to reflect in your outer world, but I didn't truly know how to practice it or apply it to my mind. I tried meditating, I tried praying, I tried dieting, I tried exercise...nothing was making a lasting difference that lasted long. Sure, I'd have breakthroughs and inspirations, but then I'd eventually fall back into my old ways of being. In these moments of inspiration I'd run around like a crazy woman trying to convince everyone I loved that this was the way to be, because I was so elated. When I find something that works, I want to share it with everyone.
But then I would fall back into this weird space of self-doubt, anxiety, and uncomfortability. Whyyyy would I keep doing this? Because that's how I have allowed my brain to be programmed.
Dr. Rob gave me this book to read that a lot of chiropractors read to clear out their own personal junk to build a successful practice. I started reading it and I was blown away. It was all the stuff I had read about in spiritual books and things of that nature, but the difference was that this was all science based. When you talk about right and left brain activity and the way the subconscious mind works, you literally program and re-program yourself. It's like you are a little computer and you can program your reality.
For example, Say you were in a relationship that broke your heart. Subconsciously, you are telling yourself that you have a broken heart. Your left brain is going to deliver you situations that break your heart until you have re-programmed yourself to be open and receptive to love. It's all based on your perception. So, if you meet someone wonderful and open to love and you are subconsciously putting out there that you are broken, what do you think will happen? Since your command center has experienced that "high" of love before and then got hurt, your autonomic system will say to you, "this is how it happened before, you know no other way of being, you will get hurt." It has NOTHING to do with anything but how you have programmed yourself into being.
I have realized that my brain has been programmed by many external forces, like many of us. Our parents, teachers, experiences, etc program us to be how we are today. But we CAN change it. It just takes practice and dedication...and it's proven. Maybe this isn't all a spiritual experience after all...maybe it's just what is. Maybe it's just how the human mind works....but my question is...where does it all come from? If we are all part of a big bang or something created us, then wouldn't we all be interconnected anyway? We'd have the same molecular formations and energy inside of us?
I've realized that I've allowed myself to be programmed so much, mostly by my parents. But what they say and think just isn't TRUE! But I believe it. Take a moment and think of all the times someone has said something about you and you've taken it to be true....
It's like I've been an actor these past few years, trying to find somewhere that I fit and belong....because that's what I believe about myself. That I don't belong, and boy does my left brain find me evidence for that. So, the answer is not going around trying to find someone to love me, or something to belong to, it's actually about going with-in and re-training my brain to believe I belong. The mind doesn't know the difference between something real and something vividly imagined. I feel this is why some people can lose their mind...which brings me to my next point....
Since working at Pro-Health I've just had a ridiculous amount of coincidences....the other day, Dr. Rob and I were talking about parallel universes. Now, mind you, this is coming from a man who has more science and medical training that your family physician probably does. We were talking about it and then that night, I went to a friends house and there was a show on about it. Then I went to my parents house last night and my sister tells me she and Sonny were talking about it at that same time. WTF? How does this happen? It's wayyyy to coincidental...and then I thought...well, wouldn't I just be bringing that experience to me because that's what I'm focused on? If we can truly reprogram our minds, we are capable of unbelievable possibilities. Anway, Dr. Rob thinks that you might be able to subconsciously experience a parallel universe and yeah, that can make someone lose their mind. It's cool to think about.... I'm not sure what I think about it yet, but there are some very good evidence based cases out there.
Anyway, I think it's amazing. I feel like I have this missing peice of the pie. You create your own reality by what you believe about yourself and your environment. It's really all about the internal networking and programming we have. You can't make a mac run windows without the proper software...so how could you expect someone who doesn't know that they don't know to do what's out of their perspective? They need a software update.
It's easy to see why actors become their characters....when the brain doesn't know the difference between a vivid imagination and real life, it gets confused? So...is that why Brad Pitt takes off with Angelina Jolie? Is it why Heath Ledger went nuts?? Could be, might not be...but interesting to think about. Do people that spend that much time in another character have any idea of what is them and what is the character? Maybe that's why some people are so great at it...they never spend time being themselves. Is that why Britney Spears went crazy? How can you separate that in the brain?
I've been acting like a victim, like the light got sucked out of me. Like life isn't fair. That's what my parents taught me. Well, no more. I understand the science behind this and I'm determined to do the work so that I catch myself every time I fall and I replace the old way of thinking with new affirmations. It can be taught. It can be done. Who knows, I might already have done this on a parallel universe! ;)But you know, if you can get out of your left brain....why is it that we have this spark and connection and things we can't explain about how we connect with others? Are we living a different life on a different plane and the only thing keeping us unaware of it is our brain? Or is it Divine Intervention? Or Batman?
I think what will make me an excellent doctor in about 6 years is that I will help create possibilities for my patients that they haven't even thought of yet.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
I'm in love with a fictional character
It's true. I find myself falling in love with Jim Halpert from the office. Nate and I have our weekly date nights where we get dinner and go to his place and veg and watch the office. It's kind of like therapy for us grown-ups that don't actually want to pay for therapy.
Nate and I have these amazing discussions and have lots of explosive laughter. Sometimes we watch South Park (BOOM BABY) or Time Warp or whatever. We started this tradition with Arrested Development and when that was over, we started on the Office. We're almost done with Season 3.
Each episode I fall more and more in love with Jim. The thing is, with Jim and Pam, that's usually how most of my relationships or love interests have started: as flirtatious friends. That way, you can grow comfortable with each other, you know each others buttons, you know you have a solid foundation. I miss having a flirtatious friend in my life. I got nothin. Hence, (yes, I just said hence) my increasing crush on a fictional character.
I've decided to stop counting everything that I think is "wrong" with me and just realize, that maybe, this isn't the best time for a flirtatious friend. Maybe my flirtatious friend is right around the corner. You just never really know.
A friend of mine moved to Chicago a few months ago to move in with her girlfriend. They broke up, and now my friend is having to pay more in rent and in an unfamiliar town. BUT, she's making the best of it, and I think that's awesome. I'm becoming increasingly aware of how SAD life is. How unbelievably sad and how much suffering there is. Everything can be going well and then BAM! Someone dies, people break up, you get really ill.....it's just so sad. I'm usually very optimistic, but I'm finding myself becoming more pessimistic these days as I see all the suffering in the world.
A friend of mine just got engaged. Yes, she and I have definetely had our issues, but it was over nothing in the end. We have worked things out becuase we were both willing and wanting to do so. Anyway, her boyfriend wrote her a song and proposed to her and surprised her when she got home after a business trip to Chicago. Now, seriously....I can't imagine someone loving me enough to want to do that for me. If that happened to me I'd seriously cry and probably throw up. But why wouldn't someone want to do that for me? I think I sell myself short continually and that's the biggest problem.
I find myself becoming bored as of late. I fill my time with four jobs and struggle. I'm tired of struggling. I'm craving adventure and meaning in my life. I'm not ok with filling my time with meaningless things like extra jobs and theatre and drinking and making out with random guys. I want substance damn it! But I'm uncertain of how to create it. I was going to audition for a show, but realized, I'm just doing this to fill time, so I don't have to deal with my real deep down unhappiness. So I didn't do it. Plus, I'm probably going back to school. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. ARGHHH!!!!!
I hope for a hero to save me. Nobody is coming.
Nate and I have these amazing discussions and have lots of explosive laughter. Sometimes we watch South Park (BOOM BABY) or Time Warp or whatever. We started this tradition with Arrested Development and when that was over, we started on the Office. We're almost done with Season 3.
Each episode I fall more and more in love with Jim. The thing is, with Jim and Pam, that's usually how most of my relationships or love interests have started: as flirtatious friends. That way, you can grow comfortable with each other, you know each others buttons, you know you have a solid foundation. I miss having a flirtatious friend in my life. I got nothin. Hence, (yes, I just said hence) my increasing crush on a fictional character.
I've decided to stop counting everything that I think is "wrong" with me and just realize, that maybe, this isn't the best time for a flirtatious friend. Maybe my flirtatious friend is right around the corner. You just never really know.
A friend of mine moved to Chicago a few months ago to move in with her girlfriend. They broke up, and now my friend is having to pay more in rent and in an unfamiliar town. BUT, she's making the best of it, and I think that's awesome. I'm becoming increasingly aware of how SAD life is. How unbelievably sad and how much suffering there is. Everything can be going well and then BAM! Someone dies, people break up, you get really ill.....it's just so sad. I'm usually very optimistic, but I'm finding myself becoming more pessimistic these days as I see all the suffering in the world.
A friend of mine just got engaged. Yes, she and I have definetely had our issues, but it was over nothing in the end. We have worked things out becuase we were both willing and wanting to do so. Anyway, her boyfriend wrote her a song and proposed to her and surprised her when she got home after a business trip to Chicago. Now, seriously....I can't imagine someone loving me enough to want to do that for me. If that happened to me I'd seriously cry and probably throw up. But why wouldn't someone want to do that for me? I think I sell myself short continually and that's the biggest problem.
I find myself becoming bored as of late. I fill my time with four jobs and struggle. I'm tired of struggling. I'm craving adventure and meaning in my life. I'm not ok with filling my time with meaningless things like extra jobs and theatre and drinking and making out with random guys. I want substance damn it! But I'm uncertain of how to create it. I was going to audition for a show, but realized, I'm just doing this to fill time, so I don't have to deal with my real deep down unhappiness. So I didn't do it. Plus, I'm probably going back to school. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. ARGHHH!!!!!
I hope for a hero to save me. Nobody is coming.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Reflections on Johnson Road
There are times when I feel like I might feel things more deeply than
most humans. Or perhaps it's that I find things to be more than their
face value. Almost like making something into a diamond when it should
just stay a plain river rock. It's the value and the worth we place on
people, events, places and memories that marks our hearts. I find it is
the worth we place on ourselves is the one that we put as little face
value on as possible sometimes.
The evening started with having
some very proud moments as I watched my sister sing and dance on stage.
She looked at home up there. There is truly nothing better than
watching someone you love do something great. I remembered her as a
little girl-getting into my things, stealing my make up and jewelry.
I'd get so angry with her, but truly, she just wanted to be like me.
She wanted to sing and dance like me. I didn't realize that at the time
though. My sister has grown into an amazing young woman, and I couldn't
be more proud of her. That's generally a pretty good way to start off
your evening. I fell into infatuation with a young man that sang for
theMadhatters. Men who can sing. Ugh, just pick my jaw up off the floor now.
We drove up to Baraboo,
my kindred spirits and I. The ride was filled with witty sarcasm and
laughter as we taught Sarah to pump gas for the first time. We arrived
inBaraboo only to come face to face with the man that had let her down
the day before. Coincidence? No. Out of any place he could possibly be,
he was there at the same time we arrived. That doesn't just happen. It
was meant to happen so words could be exchanged for clearing and
resolution. That was the start of our interesting night inBaraboo.
I
had a strange conversation with my friend that we drove up to meet. It
was one of those awkward conversations where more was not said that
actually said. I stared into glazed over eyes of fatigue and something
else I couldn't quite grasp as I stumbled over myself to make small
talk with someone I really want to just bare my soul to. I've had
friendships that have changed and died and rekindled and all sorts of
things. But I've never had an experience of talking with someone where
I just didn't know what to say with my words. I wanted to say something
impressive or interesting so that things could just beok . He
acknowledged the awkwardness too. I was drawn into a memory of sitting
by the water last year as he told me his life story. I had sat and
listened to this man, not really offering much advice or knowing what
to say. I just knew that I loved listening to him. I just knew that I
would love him forever. There are a lot of people I can honestly say
that about, and for that, I feel blessed. Even when things change. Even
when you don't know what the hell you are doing. We are all dying
inside for connection, even when we isolate ourselves from the world.
The truth is I miss him. The truth is, we all do. We only see him on
rare occasions. This is what I mean about value.
I listened as
two other friends of mine shared about the troubles they are having in
their friendship. They have been friends since they've been in
kindergarten. That's a lot of years of ups and downs. I was deeply
saddened that they were having troubles, but I also know that our most
meaningful relationships are the ones that force us to look at our
"junk." And right now, they are both doing that very well. I know
things will get better and work themselves out. It just hurts to be in
that place of, "I can't deal with it anymore, but I miss her." Enough
said.
The night took the best unexpected turn ever when we
decided to take a bottle of Brandy from my friends' parents house and
go to the park and drink. Really? Yes, really. I love being around the
free spirit of laughter and energy. And nobody really does that better
than Graham. From the outside looking in, one would think he isn't as
wise as some. I beg to differ that he is wiser than all of us.
We
went to the park and sat by the water. We enjoyed laughter and banter
and wittiness and all sorts of enjoyment. It felt magical. The nights
of unexpected adventures are what I live for. The unpredictability of
the perfect day. I took it all in and it was amazing. Here I was, with
four people I had not known two years earlier, enjoying myself and
enjoying the profoundness of the ebb and flow of life. You never know
where life is going to take you or what will happen. I didn't think my
life would take me to a park inBaraboo at 3 am when I was 28 years old. The beauty and the uncertainty of the unknown was palpable to me at that moment.
A
beautiful stag entered the park and made itself known under the sky. It
sat there and stared at us. It was significant. Another argued that it
was not. The thing is, it was significant to me. Nobody else can say
that except for myself. It just might not have meant anything to him.
That's the difference of perception and our experience of the world. I
felt the awe inspiringconnectedness with the Universe and nature in
that wonderful moment. The feeling of being out of time and able to
just be. It was wonderful. And here we are at value again. The question
being, how much value do you put on the moments in your life? Are the
significant or do they just all pass by in a blur? I wanted to lay on
the grass in that park with those people forever. But, it was really
cold outside.
We then decided to go to the land where my friends' house had burned down. I watched as my two friends recalled their child
hood memories of that home and I could picture myself watching the
younger versions of them in that home. I received a new awareness of
them as people, how they are the way they are by the events of their
lives. By their interactions and different personalities and how they
deal with the world. I had a new appreciation for them both. It's
always great to see something or someone in a new light or new
perception.
The bottle of Brandy was passed to me and I heard,
"Come on J, take a drink." I was frozen in that moment as I was taken
back to the original giver of that nickname for me. It was just the way
Graham said my name. Of course, then I was made fun of for thinking
that had any meaning. But it's not like I heard him saying "R" or "S"
for Ray or Sarah. Of course it had no meaning to anyone but me, because
nobody else has been in my shoes. Nobody else has heard the way that
Ben used to call me J, and how Graham had just said it in that exact
same mannerism. It was like a moment that connected my past to my
present. It's in those moments that I appreciate what I'm doing even
more. It's those moments that make me realize I'm exactly as I should
be. It's in those moments that if Jordan's around to make fun of me I
want to hit him, but really I don't. Really I just want him to feel
something like I just felt in his own life. It's because I care about
him that I get so fired up. If I didn't, I wouldn't care to even
respond. I see how easily his brother understands this. I think about
the fact that I wouldn't be on this land having this moment if it
wasn't for Jordan. And I appreciate him even more. How do you find the
words to express that? I guess I just did.
I walked away from
the group for a moment of solitude with the sky. Unfortunately the
skies were cloudy and no stars were visible, but it was still nice to
look up at it. It's so humbling and wonderful to feel inner peace
within your own being. I was filled with so much gratitude for a night
like this. I used to have nights like this with Ben all the time. I'm
glad to have nights like this again. The value of this is priceless to
me. But, I may take it for more than face value. For one, it might just
be a night of nothing special, a night that just happens. For me, it's
a night of meaning, a night of love, a night of appreciation and a
night of hope that there are better days to come. Any night that your
stilettos are covered in forest matter when you get home is a
significant night.
As I watch the snow swirl around outside
right now, I think of another winter to get ready to hibernate. Based
on the past, I usually do this. But maybe this winter could be
different. It's all a matter of perception. Sometimes, I think I feel
more deeply than the average person. That I can make anything mean
something. But, it's what I do. It's who I am. And I think it makes
some people in my life love and appreciate me more. And, it makes some
people in my life just want to make fun of me and think I'm ridiculous.
It's all a matter of perceptions. And perceptions change every day.
I've done my time
looking back on it all
then it blows my mind,
I don't do sadness
so been there.
Don't do sadness
just don't care.
Sure, when it’s autumn
Wind always wants to
Creep up and haunt you
Whistlin’ it’s got you
With its heartache, with its sorrow
Winter wind sings and it cries.
most humans. Or perhaps it's that I find things to be more than their
face value. Almost like making something into a diamond when it should
just stay a plain river rock. It's the value and the worth we place on
people, events, places and memories that marks our hearts. I find it is
the worth we place on ourselves is the one that we put as little face
value on as possible sometimes.
The evening started with having
some very proud moments as I watched my sister sing and dance on stage.
She looked at home up there. There is truly nothing better than
watching someone you love do something great. I remembered her as a
little girl-getting into my things, stealing my make up and jewelry.
I'd get so angry with her, but truly, she just wanted to be like me.
She wanted to sing and dance like me. I didn't realize that at the time
though. My sister has grown into an amazing young woman, and I couldn't
be more proud of her. That's generally a pretty good way to start off
your evening. I fell into infatuation with a young man that sang for
theMadhatters. Men who can sing. Ugh, just pick my jaw up off the floor now.
We drove up to Baraboo,
my kindred spirits and I. The ride was filled with witty sarcasm and
laughter as we taught Sarah to pump gas for the first time. We arrived
inBaraboo only to come face to face with the man that had let her down
the day before. Coincidence? No. Out of any place he could possibly be,
he was there at the same time we arrived. That doesn't just happen. It
was meant to happen so words could be exchanged for clearing and
resolution. That was the start of our interesting night inBaraboo.
I
had a strange conversation with my friend that we drove up to meet. It
was one of those awkward conversations where more was not said that
actually said. I stared into glazed over eyes of fatigue and something
else I couldn't quite grasp as I stumbled over myself to make small
talk with someone I really want to just bare my soul to. I've had
friendships that have changed and died and rekindled and all sorts of
things. But I've never had an experience of talking with someone where
I just didn't know what to say with my words. I wanted to say something
impressive or interesting so that things could just beok . He
acknowledged the awkwardness too. I was drawn into a memory of sitting
by the water last year as he told me his life story. I had sat and
listened to this man, not really offering much advice or knowing what
to say. I just knew that I loved listening to him. I just knew that I
would love him forever. There are a lot of people I can honestly say
that about, and for that, I feel blessed. Even when things change. Even
when you don't know what the hell you are doing. We are all dying
inside for connection, even when we isolate ourselves from the world.
The truth is I miss him. The truth is, we all do. We only see him on
rare occasions. This is what I mean about value.
I listened as
two other friends of mine shared about the troubles they are having in
their friendship. They have been friends since they've been in
kindergarten. That's a lot of years of ups and downs. I was deeply
saddened that they were having troubles, but I also know that our most
meaningful relationships are the ones that force us to look at our
"junk." And right now, they are both doing that very well. I know
things will get better and work themselves out. It just hurts to be in
that place of, "I can't deal with it anymore, but I miss her." Enough
said.
The night took the best unexpected turn ever when we
decided to take a bottle of Brandy from my friends' parents house and
go to the park and drink. Really? Yes, really. I love being around the
free spirit of laughter and energy. And nobody really does that better
than Graham. From the outside looking in, one would think he isn't as
wise as some. I beg to differ that he is wiser than all of us.
We
went to the park and sat by the water. We enjoyed laughter and banter
and wittiness and all sorts of enjoyment. It felt magical. The nights
of unexpected adventures are what I live for. The unpredictability of
the perfect day. I took it all in and it was amazing. Here I was, with
four people I had not known two years earlier, enjoying myself and
enjoying the profoundness of the ebb and flow of life. You never know
where life is going to take you or what will happen. I didn't think my
life would take me to a park inBaraboo at 3 am when I was 28 years old. The beauty and the uncertainty of the unknown was palpable to me at that moment.
A
beautiful stag entered the park and made itself known under the sky. It
sat there and stared at us. It was significant. Another argued that it
was not. The thing is, it was significant to me. Nobody else can say
that except for myself. It just might not have meant anything to him.
That's the difference of perception and our experience of the world. I
felt the awe inspiringconnectedness with the Universe and nature in
that wonderful moment. The feeling of being out of time and able to
just be. It was wonderful. And here we are at value again. The question
being, how much value do you put on the moments in your life? Are the
significant or do they just all pass by in a blur? I wanted to lay on
the grass in that park with those people forever. But, it was really
cold outside.
We then decided to go to the land where my friends' house had burned down. I watched as my two friends recalled their child
hood memories of that home and I could picture myself watching the
younger versions of them in that home. I received a new awareness of
them as people, how they are the way they are by the events of their
lives. By their interactions and different personalities and how they
deal with the world. I had a new appreciation for them both. It's
always great to see something or someone in a new light or new
perception.
The bottle of Brandy was passed to me and I heard,
"Come on J, take a drink." I was frozen in that moment as I was taken
back to the original giver of that nickname for me. It was just the way
Graham said my name. Of course, then I was made fun of for thinking
that had any meaning. But it's not like I heard him saying "R" or "S"
for Ray or Sarah. Of course it had no meaning to anyone but me, because
nobody else has been in my shoes. Nobody else has heard the way that
Ben used to call me J, and how Graham had just said it in that exact
same mannerism. It was like a moment that connected my past to my
present. It's in those moments that I appreciate what I'm doing even
more. It's those moments that make me realize I'm exactly as I should
be. It's in those moments that if Jordan's around to make fun of me I
want to hit him, but really I don't. Really I just want him to feel
something like I just felt in his own life. It's because I care about
him that I get so fired up. If I didn't, I wouldn't care to even
respond. I see how easily his brother understands this. I think about
the fact that I wouldn't be on this land having this moment if it
wasn't for Jordan. And I appreciate him even more. How do you find the
words to express that? I guess I just did.
I walked away from
the group for a moment of solitude with the sky. Unfortunately the
skies were cloudy and no stars were visible, but it was still nice to
look up at it. It's so humbling and wonderful to feel inner peace
within your own being. I was filled with so much gratitude for a night
like this. I used to have nights like this with Ben all the time. I'm
glad to have nights like this again. The value of this is priceless to
me. But, I may take it for more than face value. For one, it might just
be a night of nothing special, a night that just happens. For me, it's
a night of meaning, a night of love, a night of appreciation and a
night of hope that there are better days to come. Any night that your
stilettos are covered in forest matter when you get home is a
significant night.
As I watch the snow swirl around outside
right now, I think of another winter to get ready to hibernate. Based
on the past, I usually do this. But maybe this winter could be
different. It's all a matter of perception. Sometimes, I think I feel
more deeply than the average person. That I can make anything mean
something. But, it's what I do. It's who I am. And I think it makes
some people in my life love and appreciate me more. And, it makes some
people in my life just want to make fun of me and think I'm ridiculous.
It's all a matter of perceptions. And perceptions change every day.
I've done my time
looking back on it all
then it blows my mind,
I don't do sadness
so been there.
Don't do sadness
just don't care.
Sure, when it’s autumn
Wind always wants to
Creep up and haunt you
Whistlin’ it’s got you
With its heartache, with its sorrow
Winter wind sings and it cries.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Inspiration in one car ride
Yesterday I went to my first myofascial release study group. It's a group of advanced myofascial release practitioners in the wisconsin area to get together and practice and study and research. I'm just a beginner, but I found myself being invited to join the group and I thought, wow, that's really cool.
I drove up with two of the women in my class at Tibia, Gina and Sue. They are both women in their early 60's, that had just started the path to self discovery a few years ago. They are lovely, caring women with a ton of temper and a ton of sass. Funny, dynamic, awesome women who tell it like it is. It's funny how life delivers people into your life sometimes. Who would of though I wouldn't rather be doing anything else on my weekends than hanging out with a couple of 60 plus year olds!
I listened as they talked about their troubles with dating and men and relationships. I listened as they talked about their "children" and what they are up to. They ask me about my life and get so excited for me when they hear about new things going on for me. Then Sue said....
"You know Jess, when you sang that day in class, I felt deprived. I felt like we had all missed out on something that whole year from you by keeping that inside of you. I wished I could have heard you sing all year."
I kind of felt like saying, "ummm hello...that's what I needed to heal within myself. My voice had gotten stuck...didn't you just go through a year of supporting me with that?" But you know, she's older, so she can forget. I just said, "Well, that's what I needed to heal Sue. I couldn't have sang for you because I didn't know it was inside of me."
I told them about my voice lessons and the possibility of being part of a recording for aspiring music writers and Dragonfly Wellness and the triumphs and struggles financially and business wise. I told them about things that happened in Intuitive Guidance Class. I told them of friendships of my life coming and going. I talked about my vision for Dragonfly. They, of course, were so excited.
Gina said...
"Your life could go in so many different directions. You have the singing, the business, and your whole life ahead of you. Don't get married."
I think this is about the sixth time I have heard, "Don't get married in the past few weeks." It's so very interesting.
I thought about all that went on in that car ride. And I thought to myself, "Isn't it a shame I held that part of myself back from people I love because I was scared. It's sad when people don't realize their inner light and their ability to heal and inspire others with their actions and who they are being." I thought about this for a long time. We dis-empower others when we do it to ourselves.
I thought about how much I push and push and push people to see their inner light. I drive people away because I make them actually feel something. It's so much easier to pretend you feel nothing and go back to suffering. It's what is familiar. I do it to myself.
I don't want to deprive people anymore. I want to keep on shining. I think of all the people in my life who were once very close to me and are not anymore. I wonder, are we done learning from each other now? It saddens me greatly. But I have to let go. It's impossible to keep on trying to make someone be a part of your life when they clearly do not want to be. It keeps you from missing out on all the amazing people that do want to be a part of your life. Sometimes you don't know the bigger picture...if there is even a bigger picture of all.
I saw myself. I saw myself with long, wavy, dark hair. I saw the golden letters "Dragonfly Wellness" on the back wall behind the reception area. I saw my sister, who was probably college age working behind the desk. I had a nose piercing and was more in shape. I saw this brief future flash of possibility...and that's what I'm going to be focusing on now. That is what I was meant to do. My life's work. A little dragonfly told me that years ago, and now it's finally starting to happen.....
I drove up with two of the women in my class at Tibia, Gina and Sue. They are both women in their early 60's, that had just started the path to self discovery a few years ago. They are lovely, caring women with a ton of temper and a ton of sass. Funny, dynamic, awesome women who tell it like it is. It's funny how life delivers people into your life sometimes. Who would of though I wouldn't rather be doing anything else on my weekends than hanging out with a couple of 60 plus year olds!
I listened as they talked about their troubles with dating and men and relationships. I listened as they talked about their "children" and what they are up to. They ask me about my life and get so excited for me when they hear about new things going on for me. Then Sue said....
"You know Jess, when you sang that day in class, I felt deprived. I felt like we had all missed out on something that whole year from you by keeping that inside of you. I wished I could have heard you sing all year."
I kind of felt like saying, "ummm hello...that's what I needed to heal within myself. My voice had gotten stuck...didn't you just go through a year of supporting me with that?" But you know, she's older, so she can forget. I just said, "Well, that's what I needed to heal Sue. I couldn't have sang for you because I didn't know it was inside of me."
I told them about my voice lessons and the possibility of being part of a recording for aspiring music writers and Dragonfly Wellness and the triumphs and struggles financially and business wise. I told them about things that happened in Intuitive Guidance Class. I told them of friendships of my life coming and going. I talked about my vision for Dragonfly. They, of course, were so excited.
Gina said...
"Your life could go in so many different directions. You have the singing, the business, and your whole life ahead of you. Don't get married."
I think this is about the sixth time I have heard, "Don't get married in the past few weeks." It's so very interesting.
I thought about all that went on in that car ride. And I thought to myself, "Isn't it a shame I held that part of myself back from people I love because I was scared. It's sad when people don't realize their inner light and their ability to heal and inspire others with their actions and who they are being." I thought about this for a long time. We dis-empower others when we do it to ourselves.
I thought about how much I push and push and push people to see their inner light. I drive people away because I make them actually feel something. It's so much easier to pretend you feel nothing and go back to suffering. It's what is familiar. I do it to myself.
I don't want to deprive people anymore. I want to keep on shining. I think of all the people in my life who were once very close to me and are not anymore. I wonder, are we done learning from each other now? It saddens me greatly. But I have to let go. It's impossible to keep on trying to make someone be a part of your life when they clearly do not want to be. It keeps you from missing out on all the amazing people that do want to be a part of your life. Sometimes you don't know the bigger picture...if there is even a bigger picture of all.
I saw myself. I saw myself with long, wavy, dark hair. I saw the golden letters "Dragonfly Wellness" on the back wall behind the reception area. I saw my sister, who was probably college age working behind the desk. I had a nose piercing and was more in shape. I saw this brief future flash of possibility...and that's what I'm going to be focusing on now. That is what I was meant to do. My life's work. A little dragonfly told me that years ago, and now it's finally starting to happen.....
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