It's true. I find myself falling in love with Jim Halpert from the office. Nate and I have our weekly date nights where we get dinner and go to his place and veg and watch the office. It's kind of like therapy for us grown-ups that don't actually want to pay for therapy.
Nate and I have these amazing discussions and have lots of explosive laughter. Sometimes we watch South Park (BOOM BABY) or Time Warp or whatever. We started this tradition with Arrested Development and when that was over, we started on the Office. We're almost done with Season 3.
Each episode I fall more and more in love with Jim. The thing is, with Jim and Pam, that's usually how most of my relationships or love interests have started: as flirtatious friends. That way, you can grow comfortable with each other, you know each others buttons, you know you have a solid foundation. I miss having a flirtatious friend in my life. I got nothin. Hence, (yes, I just said hence) my increasing crush on a fictional character.
I've decided to stop counting everything that I think is "wrong" with me and just realize, that maybe, this isn't the best time for a flirtatious friend. Maybe my flirtatious friend is right around the corner. You just never really know.
A friend of mine moved to Chicago a few months ago to move in with her girlfriend. They broke up, and now my friend is having to pay more in rent and in an unfamiliar town. BUT, she's making the best of it, and I think that's awesome. I'm becoming increasingly aware of how SAD life is. How unbelievably sad and how much suffering there is. Everything can be going well and then BAM! Someone dies, people break up, you get really ill.....it's just so sad. I'm usually very optimistic, but I'm finding myself becoming more pessimistic these days as I see all the suffering in the world.
A friend of mine just got engaged. Yes, she and I have definetely had our issues, but it was over nothing in the end. We have worked things out becuase we were both willing and wanting to do so. Anyway, her boyfriend wrote her a song and proposed to her and surprised her when she got home after a business trip to Chicago. Now, seriously....I can't imagine someone loving me enough to want to do that for me. If that happened to me I'd seriously cry and probably throw up. But why wouldn't someone want to do that for me? I think I sell myself short continually and that's the biggest problem.
I find myself becoming bored as of late. I fill my time with four jobs and struggle. I'm tired of struggling. I'm craving adventure and meaning in my life. I'm not ok with filling my time with meaningless things like extra jobs and theatre and drinking and making out with random guys. I want substance damn it! But I'm uncertain of how to create it. I was going to audition for a show, but realized, I'm just doing this to fill time, so I don't have to deal with my real deep down unhappiness. So I didn't do it. Plus, I'm probably going back to school. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. ARGHHH!!!!!
I hope for a hero to save me. Nobody is coming.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Reflections on Johnson Road
There are times when I feel like I might feel things more deeply than
most humans. Or perhaps it's that I find things to be more than their
face value. Almost like making something into a diamond when it should
just stay a plain river rock. It's the value and the worth we place on
people, events, places and memories that marks our hearts. I find it is
the worth we place on ourselves is the one that we put as little face
value on as possible sometimes.
The evening started with having
some very proud moments as I watched my sister sing and dance on stage.
She looked at home up there. There is truly nothing better than
watching someone you love do something great. I remembered her as a
little girl-getting into my things, stealing my make up and jewelry.
I'd get so angry with her, but truly, she just wanted to be like me.
She wanted to sing and dance like me. I didn't realize that at the time
though. My sister has grown into an amazing young woman, and I couldn't
be more proud of her. That's generally a pretty good way to start off
your evening. I fell into infatuation with a young man that sang for
theMadhatters. Men who can sing. Ugh, just pick my jaw up off the floor now.
We drove up to Baraboo,
my kindred spirits and I. The ride was filled with witty sarcasm and
laughter as we taught Sarah to pump gas for the first time. We arrived
inBaraboo only to come face to face with the man that had let her down
the day before. Coincidence? No. Out of any place he could possibly be,
he was there at the same time we arrived. That doesn't just happen. It
was meant to happen so words could be exchanged for clearing and
resolution. That was the start of our interesting night inBaraboo.
I
had a strange conversation with my friend that we drove up to meet. It
was one of those awkward conversations where more was not said that
actually said. I stared into glazed over eyes of fatigue and something
else I couldn't quite grasp as I stumbled over myself to make small
talk with someone I really want to just bare my soul to. I've had
friendships that have changed and died and rekindled and all sorts of
things. But I've never had an experience of talking with someone where
I just didn't know what to say with my words. I wanted to say something
impressive or interesting so that things could just beok . He
acknowledged the awkwardness too. I was drawn into a memory of sitting
by the water last year as he told me his life story. I had sat and
listened to this man, not really offering much advice or knowing what
to say. I just knew that I loved listening to him. I just knew that I
would love him forever. There are a lot of people I can honestly say
that about, and for that, I feel blessed. Even when things change. Even
when you don't know what the hell you are doing. We are all dying
inside for connection, even when we isolate ourselves from the world.
The truth is I miss him. The truth is, we all do. We only see him on
rare occasions. This is what I mean about value.
I listened as
two other friends of mine shared about the troubles they are having in
their friendship. They have been friends since they've been in
kindergarten. That's a lot of years of ups and downs. I was deeply
saddened that they were having troubles, but I also know that our most
meaningful relationships are the ones that force us to look at our
"junk." And right now, they are both doing that very well. I know
things will get better and work themselves out. It just hurts to be in
that place of, "I can't deal with it anymore, but I miss her." Enough
said.
The night took the best unexpected turn ever when we
decided to take a bottle of Brandy from my friends' parents house and
go to the park and drink. Really? Yes, really. I love being around the
free spirit of laughter and energy. And nobody really does that better
than Graham. From the outside looking in, one would think he isn't as
wise as some. I beg to differ that he is wiser than all of us.
We
went to the park and sat by the water. We enjoyed laughter and banter
and wittiness and all sorts of enjoyment. It felt magical. The nights
of unexpected adventures are what I live for. The unpredictability of
the perfect day. I took it all in and it was amazing. Here I was, with
four people I had not known two years earlier, enjoying myself and
enjoying the profoundness of the ebb and flow of life. You never know
where life is going to take you or what will happen. I didn't think my
life would take me to a park inBaraboo at 3 am when I was 28 years old. The beauty and the uncertainty of the unknown was palpable to me at that moment.
A
beautiful stag entered the park and made itself known under the sky. It
sat there and stared at us. It was significant. Another argued that it
was not. The thing is, it was significant to me. Nobody else can say
that except for myself. It just might not have meant anything to him.
That's the difference of perception and our experience of the world. I
felt the awe inspiringconnectedness with the Universe and nature in
that wonderful moment. The feeling of being out of time and able to
just be. It was wonderful. And here we are at value again. The question
being, how much value do you put on the moments in your life? Are the
significant or do they just all pass by in a blur? I wanted to lay on
the grass in that park with those people forever. But, it was really
cold outside.
We then decided to go to the land where my friends' house had burned down. I watched as my two friends recalled their child
hood memories of that home and I could picture myself watching the
younger versions of them in that home. I received a new awareness of
them as people, how they are the way they are by the events of their
lives. By their interactions and different personalities and how they
deal with the world. I had a new appreciation for them both. It's
always great to see something or someone in a new light or new
perception.
The bottle of Brandy was passed to me and I heard,
"Come on J, take a drink." I was frozen in that moment as I was taken
back to the original giver of that nickname for me. It was just the way
Graham said my name. Of course, then I was made fun of for thinking
that had any meaning. But it's not like I heard him saying "R" or "S"
for Ray or Sarah. Of course it had no meaning to anyone but me, because
nobody else has been in my shoes. Nobody else has heard the way that
Ben used to call me J, and how Graham had just said it in that exact
same mannerism. It was like a moment that connected my past to my
present. It's in those moments that I appreciate what I'm doing even
more. It's those moments that make me realize I'm exactly as I should
be. It's in those moments that if Jordan's around to make fun of me I
want to hit him, but really I don't. Really I just want him to feel
something like I just felt in his own life. It's because I care about
him that I get so fired up. If I didn't, I wouldn't care to even
respond. I see how easily his brother understands this. I think about
the fact that I wouldn't be on this land having this moment if it
wasn't for Jordan. And I appreciate him even more. How do you find the
words to express that? I guess I just did.
I walked away from
the group for a moment of solitude with the sky. Unfortunately the
skies were cloudy and no stars were visible, but it was still nice to
look up at it. It's so humbling and wonderful to feel inner peace
within your own being. I was filled with so much gratitude for a night
like this. I used to have nights like this with Ben all the time. I'm
glad to have nights like this again. The value of this is priceless to
me. But, I may take it for more than face value. For one, it might just
be a night of nothing special, a night that just happens. For me, it's
a night of meaning, a night of love, a night of appreciation and a
night of hope that there are better days to come. Any night that your
stilettos are covered in forest matter when you get home is a
significant night.
As I watch the snow swirl around outside
right now, I think of another winter to get ready to hibernate. Based
on the past, I usually do this. But maybe this winter could be
different. It's all a matter of perception. Sometimes, I think I feel
more deeply than the average person. That I can make anything mean
something. But, it's what I do. It's who I am. And I think it makes
some people in my life love and appreciate me more. And, it makes some
people in my life just want to make fun of me and think I'm ridiculous.
It's all a matter of perceptions. And perceptions change every day.
I've done my time
looking back on it all
then it blows my mind,
I don't do sadness
so been there.
Don't do sadness
just don't care.
Sure, when it’s autumn
Wind always wants to
Creep up and haunt you
Whistlin’ it’s got you
With its heartache, with its sorrow
Winter wind sings and it cries.
most humans. Or perhaps it's that I find things to be more than their
face value. Almost like making something into a diamond when it should
just stay a plain river rock. It's the value and the worth we place on
people, events, places and memories that marks our hearts. I find it is
the worth we place on ourselves is the one that we put as little face
value on as possible sometimes.
The evening started with having
some very proud moments as I watched my sister sing and dance on stage.
She looked at home up there. There is truly nothing better than
watching someone you love do something great. I remembered her as a
little girl-getting into my things, stealing my make up and jewelry.
I'd get so angry with her, but truly, she just wanted to be like me.
She wanted to sing and dance like me. I didn't realize that at the time
though. My sister has grown into an amazing young woman, and I couldn't
be more proud of her. That's generally a pretty good way to start off
your evening. I fell into infatuation with a young man that sang for
theMadhatters. Men who can sing. Ugh, just pick my jaw up off the floor now.
We drove up to Baraboo,
my kindred spirits and I. The ride was filled with witty sarcasm and
laughter as we taught Sarah to pump gas for the first time. We arrived
inBaraboo only to come face to face with the man that had let her down
the day before. Coincidence? No. Out of any place he could possibly be,
he was there at the same time we arrived. That doesn't just happen. It
was meant to happen so words could be exchanged for clearing and
resolution. That was the start of our interesting night inBaraboo.
I
had a strange conversation with my friend that we drove up to meet. It
was one of those awkward conversations where more was not said that
actually said. I stared into glazed over eyes of fatigue and something
else I couldn't quite grasp as I stumbled over myself to make small
talk with someone I really want to just bare my soul to. I've had
friendships that have changed and died and rekindled and all sorts of
things. But I've never had an experience of talking with someone where
I just didn't know what to say with my words. I wanted to say something
impressive or interesting so that things could just beok . He
acknowledged the awkwardness too. I was drawn into a memory of sitting
by the water last year as he told me his life story. I had sat and
listened to this man, not really offering much advice or knowing what
to say. I just knew that I loved listening to him. I just knew that I
would love him forever. There are a lot of people I can honestly say
that about, and for that, I feel blessed. Even when things change. Even
when you don't know what the hell you are doing. We are all dying
inside for connection, even when we isolate ourselves from the world.
The truth is I miss him. The truth is, we all do. We only see him on
rare occasions. This is what I mean about value.
I listened as
two other friends of mine shared about the troubles they are having in
their friendship. They have been friends since they've been in
kindergarten. That's a lot of years of ups and downs. I was deeply
saddened that they were having troubles, but I also know that our most
meaningful relationships are the ones that force us to look at our
"junk." And right now, they are both doing that very well. I know
things will get better and work themselves out. It just hurts to be in
that place of, "I can't deal with it anymore, but I miss her." Enough
said.
The night took the best unexpected turn ever when we
decided to take a bottle of Brandy from my friends' parents house and
go to the park and drink. Really? Yes, really. I love being around the
free spirit of laughter and energy. And nobody really does that better
than Graham. From the outside looking in, one would think he isn't as
wise as some. I beg to differ that he is wiser than all of us.
We
went to the park and sat by the water. We enjoyed laughter and banter
and wittiness and all sorts of enjoyment. It felt magical. The nights
of unexpected adventures are what I live for. The unpredictability of
the perfect day. I took it all in and it was amazing. Here I was, with
four people I had not known two years earlier, enjoying myself and
enjoying the profoundness of the ebb and flow of life. You never know
where life is going to take you or what will happen. I didn't think my
life would take me to a park inBaraboo at 3 am when I was 28 years old. The beauty and the uncertainty of the unknown was palpable to me at that moment.
A
beautiful stag entered the park and made itself known under the sky. It
sat there and stared at us. It was significant. Another argued that it
was not. The thing is, it was significant to me. Nobody else can say
that except for myself. It just might not have meant anything to him.
That's the difference of perception and our experience of the world. I
felt the awe inspiringconnectedness with the Universe and nature in
that wonderful moment. The feeling of being out of time and able to
just be. It was wonderful. And here we are at value again. The question
being, how much value do you put on the moments in your life? Are the
significant or do they just all pass by in a blur? I wanted to lay on
the grass in that park with those people forever. But, it was really
cold outside.
We then decided to go to the land where my friends' house had burned down. I watched as my two friends recalled their child
hood memories of that home and I could picture myself watching the
younger versions of them in that home. I received a new awareness of
them as people, how they are the way they are by the events of their
lives. By their interactions and different personalities and how they
deal with the world. I had a new appreciation for them both. It's
always great to see something or someone in a new light or new
perception.
The bottle of Brandy was passed to me and I heard,
"Come on J, take a drink." I was frozen in that moment as I was taken
back to the original giver of that nickname for me. It was just the way
Graham said my name. Of course, then I was made fun of for thinking
that had any meaning. But it's not like I heard him saying "R" or "S"
for Ray or Sarah. Of course it had no meaning to anyone but me, because
nobody else has been in my shoes. Nobody else has heard the way that
Ben used to call me J, and how Graham had just said it in that exact
same mannerism. It was like a moment that connected my past to my
present. It's in those moments that I appreciate what I'm doing even
more. It's those moments that make me realize I'm exactly as I should
be. It's in those moments that if Jordan's around to make fun of me I
want to hit him, but really I don't. Really I just want him to feel
something like I just felt in his own life. It's because I care about
him that I get so fired up. If I didn't, I wouldn't care to even
respond. I see how easily his brother understands this. I think about
the fact that I wouldn't be on this land having this moment if it
wasn't for Jordan. And I appreciate him even more. How do you find the
words to express that? I guess I just did.
I walked away from
the group for a moment of solitude with the sky. Unfortunately the
skies were cloudy and no stars were visible, but it was still nice to
look up at it. It's so humbling and wonderful to feel inner peace
within your own being. I was filled with so much gratitude for a night
like this. I used to have nights like this with Ben all the time. I'm
glad to have nights like this again. The value of this is priceless to
me. But, I may take it for more than face value. For one, it might just
be a night of nothing special, a night that just happens. For me, it's
a night of meaning, a night of love, a night of appreciation and a
night of hope that there are better days to come. Any night that your
stilettos are covered in forest matter when you get home is a
significant night.
As I watch the snow swirl around outside
right now, I think of another winter to get ready to hibernate. Based
on the past, I usually do this. But maybe this winter could be
different. It's all a matter of perception. Sometimes, I think I feel
more deeply than the average person. That I can make anything mean
something. But, it's what I do. It's who I am. And I think it makes
some people in my life love and appreciate me more. And, it makes some
people in my life just want to make fun of me and think I'm ridiculous.
It's all a matter of perceptions. And perceptions change every day.
I've done my time
looking back on it all
then it blows my mind,
I don't do sadness
so been there.
Don't do sadness
just don't care.
Sure, when it’s autumn
Wind always wants to
Creep up and haunt you
Whistlin’ it’s got you
With its heartache, with its sorrow
Winter wind sings and it cries.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Inspiration in one car ride
Yesterday I went to my first myofascial release study group. It's a group of advanced myofascial release practitioners in the wisconsin area to get together and practice and study and research. I'm just a beginner, but I found myself being invited to join the group and I thought, wow, that's really cool.
I drove up with two of the women in my class at Tibia, Gina and Sue. They are both women in their early 60's, that had just started the path to self discovery a few years ago. They are lovely, caring women with a ton of temper and a ton of sass. Funny, dynamic, awesome women who tell it like it is. It's funny how life delivers people into your life sometimes. Who would of though I wouldn't rather be doing anything else on my weekends than hanging out with a couple of 60 plus year olds!
I listened as they talked about their troubles with dating and men and relationships. I listened as they talked about their "children" and what they are up to. They ask me about my life and get so excited for me when they hear about new things going on for me. Then Sue said....
"You know Jess, when you sang that day in class, I felt deprived. I felt like we had all missed out on something that whole year from you by keeping that inside of you. I wished I could have heard you sing all year."
I kind of felt like saying, "ummm hello...that's what I needed to heal within myself. My voice had gotten stuck...didn't you just go through a year of supporting me with that?" But you know, she's older, so she can forget. I just said, "Well, that's what I needed to heal Sue. I couldn't have sang for you because I didn't know it was inside of me."
I told them about my voice lessons and the possibility of being part of a recording for aspiring music writers and Dragonfly Wellness and the triumphs and struggles financially and business wise. I told them about things that happened in Intuitive Guidance Class. I told them of friendships of my life coming and going. I talked about my vision for Dragonfly. They, of course, were so excited.
Gina said...
"Your life could go in so many different directions. You have the singing, the business, and your whole life ahead of you. Don't get married."
I think this is about the sixth time I have heard, "Don't get married in the past few weeks." It's so very interesting.
I thought about all that went on in that car ride. And I thought to myself, "Isn't it a shame I held that part of myself back from people I love because I was scared. It's sad when people don't realize their inner light and their ability to heal and inspire others with their actions and who they are being." I thought about this for a long time. We dis-empower others when we do it to ourselves.
I thought about how much I push and push and push people to see their inner light. I drive people away because I make them actually feel something. It's so much easier to pretend you feel nothing and go back to suffering. It's what is familiar. I do it to myself.
I don't want to deprive people anymore. I want to keep on shining. I think of all the people in my life who were once very close to me and are not anymore. I wonder, are we done learning from each other now? It saddens me greatly. But I have to let go. It's impossible to keep on trying to make someone be a part of your life when they clearly do not want to be. It keeps you from missing out on all the amazing people that do want to be a part of your life. Sometimes you don't know the bigger picture...if there is even a bigger picture of all.
I saw myself. I saw myself with long, wavy, dark hair. I saw the golden letters "Dragonfly Wellness" on the back wall behind the reception area. I saw my sister, who was probably college age working behind the desk. I had a nose piercing and was more in shape. I saw this brief future flash of possibility...and that's what I'm going to be focusing on now. That is what I was meant to do. My life's work. A little dragonfly told me that years ago, and now it's finally starting to happen.....
I drove up with two of the women in my class at Tibia, Gina and Sue. They are both women in their early 60's, that had just started the path to self discovery a few years ago. They are lovely, caring women with a ton of temper and a ton of sass. Funny, dynamic, awesome women who tell it like it is. It's funny how life delivers people into your life sometimes. Who would of though I wouldn't rather be doing anything else on my weekends than hanging out with a couple of 60 plus year olds!
I listened as they talked about their troubles with dating and men and relationships. I listened as they talked about their "children" and what they are up to. They ask me about my life and get so excited for me when they hear about new things going on for me. Then Sue said....
"You know Jess, when you sang that day in class, I felt deprived. I felt like we had all missed out on something that whole year from you by keeping that inside of you. I wished I could have heard you sing all year."
I kind of felt like saying, "ummm hello...that's what I needed to heal within myself. My voice had gotten stuck...didn't you just go through a year of supporting me with that?" But you know, she's older, so she can forget. I just said, "Well, that's what I needed to heal Sue. I couldn't have sang for you because I didn't know it was inside of me."
I told them about my voice lessons and the possibility of being part of a recording for aspiring music writers and Dragonfly Wellness and the triumphs and struggles financially and business wise. I told them about things that happened in Intuitive Guidance Class. I told them of friendships of my life coming and going. I talked about my vision for Dragonfly. They, of course, were so excited.
Gina said...
"Your life could go in so many different directions. You have the singing, the business, and your whole life ahead of you. Don't get married."
I think this is about the sixth time I have heard, "Don't get married in the past few weeks." It's so very interesting.
I thought about all that went on in that car ride. And I thought to myself, "Isn't it a shame I held that part of myself back from people I love because I was scared. It's sad when people don't realize their inner light and their ability to heal and inspire others with their actions and who they are being." I thought about this for a long time. We dis-empower others when we do it to ourselves.
I thought about how much I push and push and push people to see their inner light. I drive people away because I make them actually feel something. It's so much easier to pretend you feel nothing and go back to suffering. It's what is familiar. I do it to myself.
I don't want to deprive people anymore. I want to keep on shining. I think of all the people in my life who were once very close to me and are not anymore. I wonder, are we done learning from each other now? It saddens me greatly. But I have to let go. It's impossible to keep on trying to make someone be a part of your life when they clearly do not want to be. It keeps you from missing out on all the amazing people that do want to be a part of your life. Sometimes you don't know the bigger picture...if there is even a bigger picture of all.
I saw myself. I saw myself with long, wavy, dark hair. I saw the golden letters "Dragonfly Wellness" on the back wall behind the reception area. I saw my sister, who was probably college age working behind the desk. I had a nose piercing and was more in shape. I saw this brief future flash of possibility...and that's what I'm going to be focusing on now. That is what I was meant to do. My life's work. A little dragonfly told me that years ago, and now it's finally starting to happen.....
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Finally
There's this New Age theory that after you die, you review your life. You get to watch every moment and also feel how other's felt when you made certain actions. If this is true, I'd never submit the pain I feel onto another. If people could feel what I feel, it might be a different world. Sometimes I wonder, will this ever go away?
I think I finally met someone who gets me better than I get myself. Who not only believes in me, but also can open up to me. Someone who experiences the pain like I do. It's so nice to be able to actually talk to someone about what I experience, and to actually have them care and listen. It's so nice to finally be able to have someone get me.
It makes it more bearable. It makes the pain subside. It gives me hope. It takes the edge off of friendships that aren't as close anymore, of opportunities passed by. It soothes the burn of not being enough for someone. Of not being worthwhile.
It's nice to open up to someone, to get it out. It's nice not to have to keep it all inside anymore. I wish more people would open up. It might be surprising how many people actually get it. When you keep it all inside to yourself, all it does is eat you away.
It's nice not to be alone in this anymore. It gives me inspiration. It gives me confidence. It makes me want to be a better person. It's really nice to be heard and have someone actually care about me. It's nice not to just be an after thought to someone. Mostly, it's just nice to talk. It's nice to know that when people fade out of your life, there are always new ones waiting around the bend. It takes the edge off a bit, but it still hurts like hell.
I think I finally met someone who gets me better than I get myself. Who not only believes in me, but also can open up to me. Someone who experiences the pain like I do. It's so nice to be able to actually talk to someone about what I experience, and to actually have them care and listen. It's so nice to finally be able to have someone get me.
It makes it more bearable. It makes the pain subside. It gives me hope. It takes the edge off of friendships that aren't as close anymore, of opportunities passed by. It soothes the burn of not being enough for someone. Of not being worthwhile.
It's nice to open up to someone, to get it out. It's nice not to have to keep it all inside anymore. I wish more people would open up. It might be surprising how many people actually get it. When you keep it all inside to yourself, all it does is eat you away.
It's nice not to be alone in this anymore. It gives me inspiration. It gives me confidence. It makes me want to be a better person. It's really nice to be heard and have someone actually care about me. It's nice not to just be an after thought to someone. Mostly, it's just nice to talk. It's nice to know that when people fade out of your life, there are always new ones waiting around the bend. It takes the edge off a bit, but it still hurts like hell.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
I hope this works. I hope, I hope, I hope.
Please Work. Please Work.
On Wednesday, I'm getting my first laser treatment done for my skin. I'm so hoping that it finally kills all the acne bacteria and releases me from the torment of self loathing that my skin condition encompasses on a daily basis.
I was looking at old pictures that my mom has so 'lovingly' put up on facebook. It's weird because I didn't have skin issues in my younger teenage years when most people do. My problems started around the age of 21...the first year that I can observe looking back that I truly started hating myself.
I was 21 and living with my three friends Stacy, Maryanne and Jess. I was a junior in college and had no clue about what I wanted to do. I had recently sung the national anthem at the Kohl Center and got carried away by all the media attention. I had always been a great writer (or so my high school teachers say) so I thought, "I'll be a journalist." I don't think I could have picked something farther from who I was, but my ego loved it.
The guy I was interested in tried to commit suicide on my 21st birthday. So, not only was he clearly not ready for any sort of relationship whatsoever, he also picked my most important birthday to date to attempt the deed. At the time, it was the most horrible night that had ever happened. Looking back, I realize how ridiculously stupid I was to date someone that was so emotionally dead. But we started dating. Oh good. Perfect. I cant' believe I hated myself so much to not even get it.
I started picking up the pieces for this man. I breathed for him, because I knew if I didn't, he'd stop. He would be dead today if it wasn't for me. I realized that I have a habit of coming into people's lives when they need me. It's usually some kind of a big crisis. It's oddly strange, yet I guess, necessary. What I didn't realize is that I could have left him alone after that. But I kept trying. And trying.
My skin kept getting worse. I kept getting more frustrated. I kept gaining weight because I was working on my movie and would be up for 36 hours editing. I didn't take care of myself at all. I stopped working out, which was incredibly unfortunate because I had been in such good shape. 5'9" and 145 and yoga-toned ain't too shabby for a Wisconsin girl. I let myself creep up to almost 170, saturating myself and numbing myself with food and Dan. I took care of that man. I'm the one who had to call his family when he tried suicide again. I'm the one who constantly worried that this day he wouldn't make it. If I had only known then that it was all for attention. Some people are so incredibly fucked up.
The man who changed my life showed up for me. His name was Kevin. It was like some weird, strange "knowing" when I met him. He's really one of the first people I got that "I've known you from before" vibe from. He was in a long term relationship as well, and I think deep down, both of us knew we weren't leaving them. We clicked. We laughed uncontrollably together. He was the funniest person I knew besides Nate and incredibly handsome. We were talking one night and he started singing this song he had made up for me. It was hilarious. And in my head I kept hearing, "Dan's not for you, he's just not for you."
Nothing ever became between Kevin and I. We had a moment where we almost kissed, but it's not to be in this lifetime. The role he played for me showed me that there were so many better things out there in life. That I shouldn't settle just because it's comfortable. I wanted someone to inspire me and to laugh with me. Dan did none of those things. Kevin represented everything I was missing.
The night before graduation, I knew it was the very last night that Dan and I would ever spend together. I just lost it. I cried and cried, and I couldn't explain to him why. I had realized something that was a long time coming was about to occur. This could have been the beginning of realizing I had amazing intuition, but who knows. I was a different girl back then. I cried for two hours. Who does that? Certainly not me. I couldn't stop. I realized I had to take a step forward, but I had no idea how to do that. Dan was all I had known, because I had lost myself in absorption into his life. I had nothing left that was mine, or so it seemed.
The next day it was graduation day. We dressed in our gowns and got ready to meet our parents. It was so awkward, hanging out with our parents, with me knowing in my heart this was going to end probably that night. I went to go get in line for my diploma and low and behold, there was Kevin, smiling that amazing smile of his. I smiled back and he came up to me and we joked and laughed and hugged. And I realized....I had my smile. I had me, even if I had to find my way back one step at a time. That was the last time I saw Kevin. I would love to cross paths with him someday. I know he married his girlfriend. I would like to thank him for saving my life.
Dan broke up with me that night. A week later, he was wanting me back. Dan never ever did anything romantic or nice for me. Stacy's fiancee at the time bought me roses for Valentines because Dan forgot. Unfortunately Dan didn't get the message in time, so he was very confused when I called to thank him for the roses. Yup. Great boyfriend huh? And it's not even really about the roses, it's more so about the consideration and lack of it that he had. No respect for me, my time or who I was. Nothing. He was the guy that said he'd call at ten and he'd call at 1 am. He was the guy who would say he was going up with me for a weekend away and then I find out he never intended to in the first place after I had made plans to go. He was the guy who had money, but didn't get me anything for holidays or birthdays and I was in debt up to my ears in student loans, but always found something special for him. The night that Dan asked for me back, he wrote me a "poem." Mind you, it was full of wrongly spelled words and bad punctuation. It was a rip-off from the movie, Ten Things I Hate About You. I realized then and there, that I deserved better. I left.
I called my friend Fiver on the way home in tears. I asked him if I had done the right thing. Actually, I didn't ask him, I just told him to tell me I did the right thing so I wouldn't turn around and drive back. He told me I did the right thing. That summer, I had the best time I had had in years. My skin started to look a lot better, but yet, I still had the scars.
I started working at American and met the man that would ruin my life. He was married, but neglected to tell me he intended to still stay married and instead told me he was in the process of divorce. It was fast and it was chaotic, but I felt he was my soul mate. My skin had never looked worse. The scars I have on my cheeks today are from those months. It was awful. Just awful. When he sent me an EMAIL saying that he decided indeed to stay with his wife and they were moving away, I died a bit inside. I'm not the type of person to fall for a married man, and then to be lied to and cast aside like I meant nothing was devastating. I was done. I was sure I was going to marry this guy. I got so sick with mono it was ridiculous. I couldn't really talk to anyone about this because I was so embarrassed. I realized now that I was just a girl with little self esteem that was taken advantage of. I don't recognize that girl today.
Although these things happened years ago, my skin has never cleared. It might be genetic, it might be diet, it might be stress, but I can't help but wonder if it's emotional. Almost like I'm still wearing that bit of self loathing on my face, for all to see. I just want it to heal and go away. I hope this therapy works because I have tried it all.
It's ironic how we think the world ends when something extremely "bad" happens to us. Later in life, we can look back and track it and see why it happened. If I would not have dated Dan, I never would have met Nate, who is my BFF for life. If I wouldn't have met Nate, I would not have met Matt and Stacy and he would have not met. Lauren would not exist. Without Nate, I would have never started at American, which is where I met married guy. Without that experience, I would have not realized my self worth, because I clearly didn't learn from Dan. Maybe these things would have still happened, but just in different ways. It's hard to say. Nobody knows. I'm just happy to be where I am at now.
I hope this laser can help erase the scars that made me into who I am and what I believe and stand for. I hope this laser can erase the past along with the hurt. I hope this laser can give me a chance to start again, fresh. Sometimes, all you need is a fresh start. To be able to look at myself in the mirror and not cringe...To be able to not load on tons of makeup everyday...to be able to just breathe. To be able to wake up next to the man I love and be comfortable in how I look. There's so many things I'm looking forward to.
I hope this works.
On Wednesday, I'm getting my first laser treatment done for my skin. I'm so hoping that it finally kills all the acne bacteria and releases me from the torment of self loathing that my skin condition encompasses on a daily basis.
I was looking at old pictures that my mom has so 'lovingly' put up on facebook. It's weird because I didn't have skin issues in my younger teenage years when most people do. My problems started around the age of 21...the first year that I can observe looking back that I truly started hating myself.
I was 21 and living with my three friends Stacy, Maryanne and Jess. I was a junior in college and had no clue about what I wanted to do. I had recently sung the national anthem at the Kohl Center and got carried away by all the media attention. I had always been a great writer (or so my high school teachers say) so I thought, "I'll be a journalist." I don't think I could have picked something farther from who I was, but my ego loved it.
The guy I was interested in tried to commit suicide on my 21st birthday. So, not only was he clearly not ready for any sort of relationship whatsoever, he also picked my most important birthday to date to attempt the deed. At the time, it was the most horrible night that had ever happened. Looking back, I realize how ridiculously stupid I was to date someone that was so emotionally dead. But we started dating. Oh good. Perfect. I cant' believe I hated myself so much to not even get it.
I started picking up the pieces for this man. I breathed for him, because I knew if I didn't, he'd stop. He would be dead today if it wasn't for me. I realized that I have a habit of coming into people's lives when they need me. It's usually some kind of a big crisis. It's oddly strange, yet I guess, necessary. What I didn't realize is that I could have left him alone after that. But I kept trying. And trying.
My skin kept getting worse. I kept getting more frustrated. I kept gaining weight because I was working on my movie and would be up for 36 hours editing. I didn't take care of myself at all. I stopped working out, which was incredibly unfortunate because I had been in such good shape. 5'9" and 145 and yoga-toned ain't too shabby for a Wisconsin girl. I let myself creep up to almost 170, saturating myself and numbing myself with food and Dan. I took care of that man. I'm the one who had to call his family when he tried suicide again. I'm the one who constantly worried that this day he wouldn't make it. If I had only known then that it was all for attention. Some people are so incredibly fucked up.
The man who changed my life showed up for me. His name was Kevin. It was like some weird, strange "knowing" when I met him. He's really one of the first people I got that "I've known you from before" vibe from. He was in a long term relationship as well, and I think deep down, both of us knew we weren't leaving them. We clicked. We laughed uncontrollably together. He was the funniest person I knew besides Nate and incredibly handsome. We were talking one night and he started singing this song he had made up for me. It was hilarious. And in my head I kept hearing, "Dan's not for you, he's just not for you."
Nothing ever became between Kevin and I. We had a moment where we almost kissed, but it's not to be in this lifetime. The role he played for me showed me that there were so many better things out there in life. That I shouldn't settle just because it's comfortable. I wanted someone to inspire me and to laugh with me. Dan did none of those things. Kevin represented everything I was missing.
The night before graduation, I knew it was the very last night that Dan and I would ever spend together. I just lost it. I cried and cried, and I couldn't explain to him why. I had realized something that was a long time coming was about to occur. This could have been the beginning of realizing I had amazing intuition, but who knows. I was a different girl back then. I cried for two hours. Who does that? Certainly not me. I couldn't stop. I realized I had to take a step forward, but I had no idea how to do that. Dan was all I had known, because I had lost myself in absorption into his life. I had nothing left that was mine, or so it seemed.
The next day it was graduation day. We dressed in our gowns and got ready to meet our parents. It was so awkward, hanging out with our parents, with me knowing in my heart this was going to end probably that night. I went to go get in line for my diploma and low and behold, there was Kevin, smiling that amazing smile of his. I smiled back and he came up to me and we joked and laughed and hugged. And I realized....I had my smile. I had me, even if I had to find my way back one step at a time. That was the last time I saw Kevin. I would love to cross paths with him someday. I know he married his girlfriend. I would like to thank him for saving my life.
Dan broke up with me that night. A week later, he was wanting me back. Dan never ever did anything romantic or nice for me. Stacy's fiancee at the time bought me roses for Valentines because Dan forgot. Unfortunately Dan didn't get the message in time, so he was very confused when I called to thank him for the roses. Yup. Great boyfriend huh? And it's not even really about the roses, it's more so about the consideration and lack of it that he had. No respect for me, my time or who I was. Nothing. He was the guy that said he'd call at ten and he'd call at 1 am. He was the guy who would say he was going up with me for a weekend away and then I find out he never intended to in the first place after I had made plans to go. He was the guy who had money, but didn't get me anything for holidays or birthdays and I was in debt up to my ears in student loans, but always found something special for him. The night that Dan asked for me back, he wrote me a "poem." Mind you, it was full of wrongly spelled words and bad punctuation. It was a rip-off from the movie, Ten Things I Hate About You. I realized then and there, that I deserved better. I left.
I called my friend Fiver on the way home in tears. I asked him if I had done the right thing. Actually, I didn't ask him, I just told him to tell me I did the right thing so I wouldn't turn around and drive back. He told me I did the right thing. That summer, I had the best time I had had in years. My skin started to look a lot better, but yet, I still had the scars.
I started working at American and met the man that would ruin my life. He was married, but neglected to tell me he intended to still stay married and instead told me he was in the process of divorce. It was fast and it was chaotic, but I felt he was my soul mate. My skin had never looked worse. The scars I have on my cheeks today are from those months. It was awful. Just awful. When he sent me an EMAIL saying that he decided indeed to stay with his wife and they were moving away, I died a bit inside. I'm not the type of person to fall for a married man, and then to be lied to and cast aside like I meant nothing was devastating. I was done. I was sure I was going to marry this guy. I got so sick with mono it was ridiculous. I couldn't really talk to anyone about this because I was so embarrassed. I realized now that I was just a girl with little self esteem that was taken advantage of. I don't recognize that girl today.
Although these things happened years ago, my skin has never cleared. It might be genetic, it might be diet, it might be stress, but I can't help but wonder if it's emotional. Almost like I'm still wearing that bit of self loathing on my face, for all to see. I just want it to heal and go away. I hope this therapy works because I have tried it all.
It's ironic how we think the world ends when something extremely "bad" happens to us. Later in life, we can look back and track it and see why it happened. If I would not have dated Dan, I never would have met Nate, who is my BFF for life. If I wouldn't have met Nate, I would not have met Matt and Stacy and he would have not met. Lauren would not exist. Without Nate, I would have never started at American, which is where I met married guy. Without that experience, I would have not realized my self worth, because I clearly didn't learn from Dan. Maybe these things would have still happened, but just in different ways. It's hard to say. Nobody knows. I'm just happy to be where I am at now.
I hope this laser can help erase the scars that made me into who I am and what I believe and stand for. I hope this laser can erase the past along with the hurt. I hope this laser can give me a chance to start again, fresh. Sometimes, all you need is a fresh start. To be able to look at myself in the mirror and not cringe...To be able to not load on tons of makeup everyday...to be able to just breathe. To be able to wake up next to the man I love and be comfortable in how I look. There's so many things I'm looking forward to.
I hope this works.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Thoughts of the Day......
My thoughts of the day...
First of all, let's talk about the body and the emotional component of scar tissue. My friend goes to the chiropractor I work for. She and I have the EXACT and I mean EXACT same issue. How weird is that? We can tell because with the proadjuster technology, there is measurable data about your condition. We have the same vertebra issues (that have changed since care, but always been in the same with each others) right now, it happens to be L1. We have the same damn psoas issue and menstral cycle issue. (every other month is intense debilitating pain). So what gives? She and I are "wired up" very similar. I seriously wonder...someday, someone has to invent a measurable way to see how emotional issues are buried in the body. It's pretty interesting. I don't know where my scar tissue around the psoas area comes from, but I can feel it. Yuck.
Also on the body front: Desk and computer jobs. I'm starting to see a lot of clients and EVERYONE has the same freakin issues...upper traps, scalenes and low back. Why? Because everyone works on a god damn computer all day. The human body isn't designed to do that. Our society makes it that way. People ask me how often to come in for a massage until they get "better." Well, the answer is...for the rest of your life....because if you sit on your ass all day at a computer, you will never be pain free, as much as you think your posture rocks, your body hates you.
Next....
Relationships and Marriage. Well, marriage doesn't fix anything. Again, I learned this from my friend today. Having a heart to heart on the hydro tables, she told me that it doesn't. I know this, but deep down, I think we all want to feel that being with someone who loves us will "fix" life for us. That somehow, but being loved, we'll be ok. But, it's just not true. There are times when I really really want to have a boyfriend. I get really lonely sometimes. I don't like to admit it, but it's true, I do. I miss being able to hold somebody and share my day with somebody and also actually really truly care about someone else's day too. And, well, the sex....you can't go wrong there. Well, actually you can, but that's another blog.
My point is, is it better to be single or in a relationship? It's seems like relationships are a lot of work and a lot of headache. Besides your own issues and crap and insecurities, you have someone else's too. And since like usually attracts like, you usually pick someone with similar issues, or someone who is a good mirror for you. Well, what the hell? There are some days I don't want to be around anyone and I just want to be alone and there are somedays when I can't wait to make plans and be around people because I get lonely. When you are in a relationship, you open yourself up to the risk of having your heart absolutely broken, so most people are guarded anyway. Nobody wants to experience that pain again, so why bother? I'm the type of person who's always changing, so does that mean I need to be with someone who is always changing too? Someone who is open to new ideas and ways of being? Someone who is constantly striving for a better way to live? The longer I stay single, the harder it is to think of myself actually being with someone who understands these things, himself and me.
I don' know. Maybe a relationship that doesn't have that crazy dynamics going on does exist. Relationships are a big commitment. I just wonder if I'll ever be done working on "stuff." I mean, there's always emotional, physical, spiritual journeys and issues to be working on. Do you do this forever? Is there a point when things are just ok? Is this when you meet someone? It seems like guys are always complaining that their girlfriend or wife is nagging him about this or that. Well, I don't want my significant other to say things like that about me. They had a poll on Z104 this morning to see if it's worse to lose your job or significant other. And most people said your job. Well, what the hell? Jobs come and go but people don't...
I guess I'm just being a bit pessimistic today. I never was a good "dater." I think it's awkward and strange. I usually like taking friendship to the next level. I don't know, maybe that'll happen one day. For now, I'm just a bit lonely and guarded. I'm realizing more and more every day just how fragile human beings can be. It's hard to think about trusting my heart to somebody else, as much as I think that's what I really truly want. You can't ever really completely trust anyone. I really wish that you could.
I don't know that I've ever truly really been able to be "me" with anyone I've dated. Wouldn't it be so great to find someone that I could be me with and not worry about what he was thinking all the time and if what I was doing was "wrong" or "ok?" Hmmmppffffff. I'm so very confused. These are the things that keep me up at night. I can't help but wonder if anyone thinks about these thing too? My brain needs to shut up now. I just want a guy to snuggle up with. See...that's the whole problem right there...it won't solve a damn thing.
First of all, let's talk about the body and the emotional component of scar tissue. My friend goes to the chiropractor I work for. She and I have the EXACT and I mean EXACT same issue. How weird is that? We can tell because with the proadjuster technology, there is measurable data about your condition. We have the same vertebra issues (that have changed since care, but always been in the same with each others) right now, it happens to be L1. We have the same damn psoas issue and menstral cycle issue. (every other month is intense debilitating pain). So what gives? She and I are "wired up" very similar. I seriously wonder...someday, someone has to invent a measurable way to see how emotional issues are buried in the body. It's pretty interesting. I don't know where my scar tissue around the psoas area comes from, but I can feel it. Yuck.
Also on the body front: Desk and computer jobs. I'm starting to see a lot of clients and EVERYONE has the same freakin issues...upper traps, scalenes and low back. Why? Because everyone works on a god damn computer all day. The human body isn't designed to do that. Our society makes it that way. People ask me how often to come in for a massage until they get "better." Well, the answer is...for the rest of your life....because if you sit on your ass all day at a computer, you will never be pain free, as much as you think your posture rocks, your body hates you.
Next....
Relationships and Marriage. Well, marriage doesn't fix anything. Again, I learned this from my friend today. Having a heart to heart on the hydro tables, she told me that it doesn't. I know this, but deep down, I think we all want to feel that being with someone who loves us will "fix" life for us. That somehow, but being loved, we'll be ok. But, it's just not true. There are times when I really really want to have a boyfriend. I get really lonely sometimes. I don't like to admit it, but it's true, I do. I miss being able to hold somebody and share my day with somebody and also actually really truly care about someone else's day too. And, well, the sex....you can't go wrong there. Well, actually you can, but that's another blog.
My point is, is it better to be single or in a relationship? It's seems like relationships are a lot of work and a lot of headache. Besides your own issues and crap and insecurities, you have someone else's too. And since like usually attracts like, you usually pick someone with similar issues, or someone who is a good mirror for you. Well, what the hell? There are some days I don't want to be around anyone and I just want to be alone and there are somedays when I can't wait to make plans and be around people because I get lonely. When you are in a relationship, you open yourself up to the risk of having your heart absolutely broken, so most people are guarded anyway. Nobody wants to experience that pain again, so why bother? I'm the type of person who's always changing, so does that mean I need to be with someone who is always changing too? Someone who is open to new ideas and ways of being? Someone who is constantly striving for a better way to live? The longer I stay single, the harder it is to think of myself actually being with someone who understands these things, himself and me.
I don' know. Maybe a relationship that doesn't have that crazy dynamics going on does exist. Relationships are a big commitment. I just wonder if I'll ever be done working on "stuff." I mean, there's always emotional, physical, spiritual journeys and issues to be working on. Do you do this forever? Is there a point when things are just ok? Is this when you meet someone? It seems like guys are always complaining that their girlfriend or wife is nagging him about this or that. Well, I don't want my significant other to say things like that about me. They had a poll on Z104 this morning to see if it's worse to lose your job or significant other. And most people said your job. Well, what the hell? Jobs come and go but people don't...
I guess I'm just being a bit pessimistic today. I never was a good "dater." I think it's awkward and strange. I usually like taking friendship to the next level. I don't know, maybe that'll happen one day. For now, I'm just a bit lonely and guarded. I'm realizing more and more every day just how fragile human beings can be. It's hard to think about trusting my heart to somebody else, as much as I think that's what I really truly want. You can't ever really completely trust anyone. I really wish that you could.
I don't know that I've ever truly really been able to be "me" with anyone I've dated. Wouldn't it be so great to find someone that I could be me with and not worry about what he was thinking all the time and if what I was doing was "wrong" or "ok?" Hmmmppffffff. I'm so very confused. These are the things that keep me up at night. I can't help but wonder if anyone thinks about these thing too? My brain needs to shut up now. I just want a guy to snuggle up with. See...that's the whole problem right there...it won't solve a damn thing.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Oh, the power of a little Grey's...
Sarah and I are mid marathon in Season 4 of Grey's. We pretty much missed the entire season, so we are getting all caught up so we can continue with Season 5 this year. Thank god for Nate and DVR for us! He's so my hero.
Tonight's episode involved one of the characters (Miranda) who is now the chief resident at Seattle Grace hospital. There was a bus accident and her high school crush was a victim. Basically the story line unfolded that she did all his homework for him in high school and saved his life in present day, and he still didn't "see" her. He kept expecting her to pick up the slack, clearly not respecting her or giving her the emotional support she so desired. And I can't help but compare this to my own life. I find myself thinking I might be getting a little bit too deep in on this one, so better to sometimes bury it inside and not think about it and stay busy. I know that's not a cure, but it's a band aid.
I am a beautiful, outgoing, fun, passionate, risky, charming, compassionate, and charismatic person. I get along with anyone, unless they are an energetic nightmare, then I just don't bother. I own my own business. I work really hard. I enjoy my friends and family. I try my best, even though sometimes I fail. I'm just a human being, but I'm someone who can communicate and laugh and be silly. I do nice things for people just because it's fun. I stand my ground but keep an open mind. I love to try new things. I've had some of the same friends for years. I throw a damn good party and made a killer breakfast. But, he still doesn't see me. And sometimes that feels like none of these great things about me really matter. I've given up, and know that I deserve someone who sees me clearly. But why is it that we have such a hard time letting go of the person that never really wanted to see us clearly in the first place? A guy would have to be completely retarded not to want to date me. It's so interesting to see how we get wired up the way we do.
It doesn't take a genius to figure this one out. Just take psych 101. I wasn't a great athlete, but I got solos in choir. I was chosen to go to honors state choir. I was part of an award winning marching band. I had a job since I was 14 years old, my family claiming they never had money to buy me things like clothes. I had fantastic friendships. I was in the National Honor Society. But he still didn't see me. He saw my brothers, who were star athletes, never having to have a job, because somehow, there was always enough money for what they needed. They didn't have TIME for things like that. Of course not...I mean, musicals and shows and performances didn't require any time at all.
The wound is deep. It'll take someone very special to fix it. That person, is me.
Tonight's episode involved one of the characters (Miranda) who is now the chief resident at Seattle Grace hospital. There was a bus accident and her high school crush was a victim. Basically the story line unfolded that she did all his homework for him in high school and saved his life in present day, and he still didn't "see" her. He kept expecting her to pick up the slack, clearly not respecting her or giving her the emotional support she so desired. And I can't help but compare this to my own life. I find myself thinking I might be getting a little bit too deep in on this one, so better to sometimes bury it inside and not think about it and stay busy. I know that's not a cure, but it's a band aid.
I am a beautiful, outgoing, fun, passionate, risky, charming, compassionate, and charismatic person. I get along with anyone, unless they are an energetic nightmare, then I just don't bother. I own my own business. I work really hard. I enjoy my friends and family. I try my best, even though sometimes I fail. I'm just a human being, but I'm someone who can communicate and laugh and be silly. I do nice things for people just because it's fun. I stand my ground but keep an open mind. I love to try new things. I've had some of the same friends for years. I throw a damn good party and made a killer breakfast. But, he still doesn't see me. And sometimes that feels like none of these great things about me really matter. I've given up, and know that I deserve someone who sees me clearly. But why is it that we have such a hard time letting go of the person that never really wanted to see us clearly in the first place? A guy would have to be completely retarded not to want to date me. It's so interesting to see how we get wired up the way we do.
It doesn't take a genius to figure this one out. Just take psych 101. I wasn't a great athlete, but I got solos in choir. I was chosen to go to honors state choir. I was part of an award winning marching band. I had a job since I was 14 years old, my family claiming they never had money to buy me things like clothes. I had fantastic friendships. I was in the National Honor Society. But he still didn't see me. He saw my brothers, who were star athletes, never having to have a job, because somehow, there was always enough money for what they needed. They didn't have TIME for things like that. Of course not...I mean, musicals and shows and performances didn't require any time at all.
The wound is deep. It'll take someone very special to fix it. That person, is me.
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