Yeah, I called that

The HPV vaccine...with it's clever marketing campaign targeting pre-teen and teenage girls combined with money hungry pharmaceutical companies and you have the recipe for millions of girls getting something they just don't need.

Finally, somebody decided to actually check out it's validity. The truth is, there is no evidence for any long term affect on cervical cancer. People that are putting this drug into their bodies are believing they will never get cervical cancer, when that is simply just not true. 

The medical journal study that finally raised the questions that should have been raised when this was starting to be administered to the public. 

http://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/full/359/8/861

Looking Back

Last summer I attended Middleton Player's performance of Caberet and was blown away by a performance by Ken Urso. I had never seen anything like it in community theater. As I stared at this man, I thought to myself, "Who IS this man, and why is he going to be so important to me?" I told my friend that I was with about it, and excitedly called him, when a few days later I found out I'd be attending massage school with Ken. Ken is now one of my dearest friends and we went through something incredible together at Tibia. I recently saw his performance again, this summer in Rocky Horror Picture Show, with Middleton Players. It was a "full circle" kind of moment for me. Again, blown away by his performace, but instead KNOWING why he was so important to me and enjoying his success and being so happy for him up there on stage. 

It's pretty much been that way with me for a long while. I can remember seeing a dragonfly pin on my grandmother at Christmas when I was 12, and thinking...what's it about dragonflies? Did I forget something. I remember hearing the song "Over the Moon" from RENT when I was in Winter Colorguard in college. It stuck in my head, again...the same feeling of...what IS that? It's interesting, but I vividly remember being exposed to something that's going to have meaning in my life. I usually know in the first few minutes of being around someone if they are someone I am to pursue a relationship of any kind with. I don't know how to explain that. It's just what is.

I wonder sometimes if we have this vague "blueprint" of what we are to do and enjoy in life and then we can fill in the blanks. I've been thinking about the creator of RENT today, Jonathan Larson. That show is incredible and he died opening night when it began to be successful. It was a freak heart condition. And, I can't help but wonder sometimes, did he just come here to put that out there, and then was able to just bail out, knowing his life's purpose was complete for this time around? The timing is too freaky. He created a cultural phenomena in musical theater, he created a show that has forever touched me. He created rich and intriguing characters that most of us can relate to people in our lives. He created a way to put his emotions into something somewhat tangible for the world to experience their own emotions with as well. It's amazing.

I wonder if we all have a life's purpose. I feel very on track with what I feel is mine: Creating a difference through energetic and bodywork. I feel very peaceful with that aspect of my life. It's the rest of the stuff that can get somewhat messy.

Looking back on this year, it's amazing all the changes that have occured. I experienced a huge transformation personally and witnessed it in 7 others as well. My classmates are incredible, and it will be so great to see what they do with their lives now that we are all out of school. 

I've realized I live a life of experience. I like to try new things and see what fits and what doesn't. If something doesn't fit for long term, it eventually falls away. I find this happening in my life with all the "New Age" stuff I was so into starting a few years ago. It's being replaced with my own intuition from myself and within, my experiences, my passions and my belief that God is everywhere. It's in you, in me, in the tree and the mountain. If the Universe was made by a few molecules colliding, then wouldn't it make sense that everything is connected not only scientifically but energetically? Nobody knows, but it's becoming less and less important.

I think the best "religion" that I can create for myself is being present. That's what fits right now. Whether listening to someone or writing or whatever I'm doing, if I'm fully present, it's pretty amazing to experience. I get up usually looking forward to the day and what is in store. When something is authentic, it creates a lot of space for wonderful possibilites. 

I'm always learning and experiencing: finding what works and what doesn't. And what works today may not always work tomorrow. What I do know is that when I meet eyes with someone and I get this interesting feeling of, "Who is this person?" I pay attention. Ken doesn't believe in God. I believe everything is God. It doesn't matter. We have this connection and we are important to each other. I so get the beauty in learning from each other. I can see that dynamic in so many of my relationships. 525,600 minutes. How did you measure your year?

Super Whiny Face Today

I think I've come to a point of integration. Maybe integration isn't the right word. Maybe I'll come across the right word sooner or later.

When do you draw the line of laughing it all off or taking something seriously? If you are upset, and you hurt, should you just laugh about it? But when you can look at it later and it's funny, then why were you so serious in the first place?

Humans are weird. We all are just weird and have our quirks and our learned behaviors and we are always changing and fitting in and then not fitting in and everything is in this big continuous flow.  What's interesting is to recognize our patterns; rather our ways of being that once served us in some way, but are now hazardous to our future and our present.

The easiest example is love. Everyone has been hurt in love. It's just a rite of passage. Some have been hurt more than others. When your sister takes off with your husband, that's going to sting a little more than your high school sweetheart leaving for college. My point is, we learn a behavior that we associate with love, because of the strong emotions attached, even if we don't realize consciously we are doing it. 

So, the learned behavior is "Love hurts me." We protect ourselves. When someone new comes along and we think we are healed and can begin again, we run away. Or can't open up. Because love hurts. But we are basing our present on our past. And there is nothing you can do to change that except to heal it for yourself. It doesn't matter if you date one or one hundred people, if that is still there that "love hurts" it's going to keep hurting you, and you will keep attracting that idea in. 

If you start to heal these things and behaviors, you start to transform. You will attract new people into your life, and guess what? Love can be amazing. But it won't be amazing until you feel for yourself that you are amazing. Easy example right?

Complications. Patterns can be learned very early on. I have an issue with not being able to say how I feel. It doesn't necessarily matter how or when it started...because blame doesn't do anything. I've done a lot of healing around that issue, and my relationship with my mother, but I've still got this hurt and scared part of me that gets so upset and defensive when I'm teased or challenged in a way that I don't know how to respond to. Most of the time, it's fine....I have a great sense of humor and can give it right back. But when you really care about someone and what they think, it can hurt. But it really  has nothing to do with this person now, it's from the past. Because I've learned that "Every time you speak what you feel, you're going to get hurt" I get frustrated and upset when I'm trying to express something and it comes out all wrong. 

I know where it stems from and it's very deep and from very early in life. In fact, I can almost pinpoint the exact year it started happening. So my question is this...does it really matter? Should I just give it up and laugh about it? I've been working so much on it, but the feelings are there and they are real. So how can you back up from it and still stay present? It's just like the love example...Love Hurts....so I'm backing out of it. 

It's interesting. Humans. We say so much that we want connection with others, but we do so much to isolate ourselves. I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who moved out east. She started dating a guy there and found the relationship to be emotionally lacking. He says that "Out there, we don't talk about anything real." Maybe I'm unique and she's unique, but I doubt that when it comes to talking about something of substance. This kind of stuff makes people suffer. It's what keeps us from accomplishing our goals and dreams or even from setting them in the first place. All because from something in your past that has nothing to do with the present moment. Some would call it insanity, but in fact, it's part of everyone's life.

It takes a lot to admit that I have issues with speaking and anger. I guess I'm glad that I have people I can express these things to and most often, not be judged. I've come a long way. I feel like I'm very close to getting under the last layer of this. One thing I know for a fact: I'm never going to scream at my children to shut up, hit them, or threaten them. I know I will never scare them into doing things so everything is based on fear, nor will I be so financially out of control that my children don't get to participate in a lot of things. I also have forgiven. But I have learned. 

I think it's time to laugh it off and have some fun. On a much better note...after two years of searching, I finally found orange sparkly pillows for my couch. VICTORY!

Finding the missing part

Michaela finishing her first ride. 

This past week I had the opportunity to do massage for the ACT 6 Aids ride. It was an incredible experience for me personally. I found what had been missing from my life. I didn't want this to be what it was....but life doesn't let you choose if something is meant to be.

The first two days I spent very very VERY crabby. First off: dealing with my sister's broken heart and re-living all of that for myself. Realizing a lot of that pain was still unhealed for me. It feels like death. I remember it well. Especially the first time you deal with those emotions, because that's the first time you realize it's so possible to feel something so out of control. I realized I haven't been a good example for her either. Hmmmf! So I sat in my junk floating around me and chose to be in crabby mood.  Second: Having no plan about what was next for me. School was the only committment I had left. Nothing was shifting.

On the third day, we talked about what making a difference meant. The riders had their 100 mile ride that day, and they were HURTING. Not only physically, but emotionally. There were a lot of tears that night. People were really getting present to why there were there, either riding or crewing: and it's to make a difference. Chealsea talked about not getting into the "Oh their quads hurt so I'm going to fix this mode" and instead just said, "These people are so greatful you are here. That you are taking 15 minutes of time to touch them. Just be present with them and their experience." So being the resisty little biatch I can be, I told myself that was crap, blah blah blah, I'm suffering and shut it. But then I decided if I wanted room for something to shift, I needed to try it on.

So I was present with every client. Now think about this for a minute. How many times are we talking to someone and we have a million other thoughts of what we have to do tomorrow going through our heads? How many times do we REALLY REALLY listen and feel? Most human beings don't. It takes a lot of practice and effort. It was really difficult at first. I let it all flow through me, and wanted each client to just recieve. You can always tell the ones who know how to recieve and the ones who don't. It's such a difference. You can tell so much about a person from doing just 15 minutes of bodywork on them. There were a lot of tears as people remembered their loved ones who had passed away from the disease. Each person was so thankful for the bodywork. 

I looked in the closet at the school and there was a box that said "Rosetta Stone" on it. I thought of the Tool song and blessed the seredipity of it all. 

The last day was a GORGEOUS outdoor event. The weather was perfect. Everyone wore red. It was so powerful. There were so many different people coming together for one common cause. This disease kills people. It hurts people. It changes lives. Bringing awareness and shedding some positive light on it really paves the way for transformation. 

Michalea fell on the second day. She sprained her wrist and was in a ton of pain. It was her first year riding. I saw her in a new light of vulnerability and realized that she too, is just human. We all are. And what I got so present to was that we all just do the best we can, and if we can offer SOMETHING to help another, it makes such a difference. Offering support or bodywork can make a huge difference to somebody. I saw my hero rely on us to support her. It was an interesting feeling...knowing that everyone needs someone. We are all connected and the common emotions and feelings of being human that we share bond us. 

The closing ceremony was very powerful...and then it hit me. "NO NO NO NO NO" I said in my head, but I knew it to be true. What I had been missing was being active. I know this, but I didn't want to admit it. There is a part of me that knows if I set my mind and heart to it, I could be a great athlete. And that's what's next. And after I let that in, I was FLOODED with ideas for Dragonfly Wellness, which is the company I'm creating. Removing blocks can be pretty beneficial. So, I turned to Jessie and said, "You know we're riding in this next year right?" "No way, I don't even have a bike," she says. Michaela's mom turns to her and says, "You can use mine!" BUSTED! So apprehensively we both said, "oh shit, here we go." And so it is. 

Call it dopamine, call it love, call it spirit, call it energy. It's all the same thing. The body creates what it experiences. What we all call it doesn't matter. What we feel and what we offer to ourselves and the world is what does. EXTEND!!!! Be the change you wish to see in the world. That's what I'm creating for myself, and nobody can bring me down from that. 

Almost two years ago, I was selling crappy advertising in Lodi, WI. I came across a business card with a dragonfly on it. It was for a massage therapist. Something inside of me said, "You're going to do this." It ended up that the card I came across was that of a girl I had talked to earlier that day that worked at the chiropractor's office. I went in the next day to chat with her about massage...something I knew NOTHING about at the time. We had a great conversation. I drove home that night thinking..."Wouldn't it be great to work at a chiropractor's office and do massage on my own?" I didn't think that was possible. I rememebered feeling so defeated, miserable in my job, in my life, in my relationships.  When you live in the realm that nothing is possible...it'll be true for you.

Here I am, two years later, graduated from massage school and having had a fantastic interview today at a chiropractic clinic in Sun Prairie. So here I am, living what I didn't think was possible. Yeah, it was a HARD road to get here, but when something is meant to be, it'll work out. Somehow it worked out that I could get set up with a payment plan at Tibia and the rest is now. Life can be very serendipitious. I choose to look at it that way, not because I'm naive, but because it's real and it happens. When something is meant to be, it finds it's way. No matter how crappy it looks in the meantime. Give it space, work on yourself and do what you can to help others along the way. I can't wait to find out what's possible next. 

The complications of the human heart

Yes, this blog will mainly be about me being a judgemental biatch, because that's how I feel right now. The topic of the day: romantic relationships and how they are so completely messed up and so completely similar for me and each one of my siblings.

Recently while comforting my sister from her recent break up from her first love with Glass Nickel Pizza and sad movies, we had a striking conversation. Each one of us siblings has issues with relationships. Big issues. Issues that I've worked this whole last year on healing and still have a ways to go. Now, what do we all have in common...hmmmm...our parents! It's amazing how a person is raised can absolutely contribute to how they are in their adult life. Once you reach adulthood, it's your responsibility to heal these issues, however, it's hard not to blame...which is what I want to do right now.

Not one of us has ever had the "upper hand." What about common ground? Trust? Creating a relationship in love and each other? We've always been attracted to people who end up being totally emotionally unavailable and we keep trying and trying, but of course it never works.  When someone shows up who is GREAT for us, we run the opposite direction. We get stuck in these patterns, I've watched it in each and every one of us. 

I've learned that people will unconsciously attract to them what they need to heal. I've seen people who aren't ready for another relationship yet because of unresolved past issues keep being attracted to unavailable women, I've seen people who aren't emotionally available or stuck or blocked in their lives attract the same kinds of people, I've seen women who are so desperate to be loved, they will date anyone. This stuff happens all the time...but when you are "in" it, you usually can't or won't see it. It all stems from within yourself and healing what's there. 

So how do you heal this stuff? It's different for everyone. Sometimes I get to these points, like how I'm feeling now and think "What the fuck have I been doing? Has anything worked? What am I suppossed to do?" But I realize that awareness is the first step and being aware and being honest about it is very difficult to do sometimes.

I want my siblings and I to have great, beautiful, meaningful relationships with people who are good for us and care about us unconditionally. I think about how we've all grown up and become our own person, but how we each have this very delicate, fragile and harmful aspect of ourselves from our experiences of growing up. 

It's been difficult, seeing my old classmates recently and most are married or engaged or in serious relationships. I've been there before....my ex boyfriend had even bought the ring. I'm on this adventure that wasn't suppossed to happen. I guess you can't plan life. And you have to do the best with what you know, what you are shown and learn from your experiences. I hate this circle. It's like an onion, layers and layers, each one more painful than the last. Maybe I should just throw the damn onion away, drink a lot, do a lot of theater, do a lot of pot, and listen to a lot of techno. That worked for me for awhile. But now with all the vices removed...there is just me. And I'm done with all my committments on Sunday. And I feel like right now, I have no idea what I'm doing. I forgot something along the way. What the hell was it?  I hate being a prisoner of my own making. 

Did I Forget To Pick Up My Drycleaning?

For the past few weeks, I've had this overwhelming sensation that something is very "off." Not in a fearful, something really bad is going to happen way...but more of a I feel like I should be doing something or I forgot something. It's almost like I dropped of clothes and then forgot to pick them up at the cleaners. It's like I have a vague memory of something, almost like a dream you can't remember, but you know it was significant.

I went on a walk today, just trying to clear my mind and noticed how out of shape I had become from being very sedentary since my foot surgery. I'm retraining my body to walk. With new feet, everything is different. The whole walk was very nice, however it's like I have this nagging feeling that something isn't quite right.

I thought to myself and asked myself a million questions...is it love? kids? marriage? career? health? etc etc....but no....nothing really had a hit for me. I almost sat down because I felt lost, like I didn't know where I was. 

Life is just really really great right now....but something is missing. There is something that doesn't feel right, and I guess whatever it is, the only way to discover it is to look within. I keep trying to leave Madison, but it keeps not working. Is something not complete? Is there something else to do here? I know I should just meditate and relax, but something is definetely simmering.  It's almost like something was suppossed to happen in a different way, or have already happened....and it didn't....so now things are resetting themselves. But I have no clarity around WHAT or WHY or HOW or if that's even true. It just feels like I forgot to pick up my drycleaning. 

Why Can't I Quit You?

Here's why:

Anytime you pump 10 teaspoons of sugar into your system at once, of course it's going to feel good. It also gives me extra weight, acne and a congested liver. Cool! I've been trying to quit Mt. Dew for years and I'm never successful. I keep going back, craving the sugar, the taste and the fizz. It's awesome. But it's also slowly killing me. I have a really sensitive system and I know part of it is all the wrong foods I put into my body.

I just got back from a movie, and of course, had a Mt. Dew. I have horrible stomach cramps and heart pain, but I've gotten used to that. Seeing these videos woke me up a bit, because I didn't realize everything that was used as an ingredient in the soda and what it would do to the body.

I don't have a degree in chemistry, but from what I've read from "Healing With Whole Foods" eating naturally is the best possible thing you can do for your body. Of course this seems like a no brainer, but once you are present to the science behind it, it really opens up your eyes. Our culture and greed has made society unhealthy, overweight and addicted to many substances. 

I hate that everything I love is so bad for me. Sad face.